Wonkette
Sorry, was it just yesterday that mean Ken Layne was mocking the AP for being so awful? Correction: Best news source on the planet … any planet. (Thank you tipster donner_froh.) [AP]
KANGAROO RATS FROM OUTER SPACE
‘Outer Space’ And ‘Rats’ Mentioned In Non-Wonkette News Source
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9:51 AM
on Thu September 18 2008
By
Sara K. Smith
1007 Views
It’s as though Newell wrote that headline…
Could it be that that space rat is eating some space WALNUTS?
Excellent use of our national resources.
From the article: “Their fat five-inch bodies are a favored source of food for the endangered kit fox and First Dude Todd Palin”.
I for one welcome our new Kangaroo rat overlords.
Clearly the hidden message is that extraterrestrial kangaroo rats are the new guidance system for Israeli missiles aimed at destroying the financial markets.
Wake me when the headline is
Kangaroo Rats From Outer Space Begin Major Invasion!
New York, Paris, Moscow, London in flames. Thousands
flee other metropolitan areas, take to hills. Cheese
stocks nearly depleted. “Our weapons are usless” says
military commander. Phil Graham insists people are just
“whiners” and should learn to accept our new Kangaroo rat
overlords. Barack Obama and Will Smith team up to “Kick
some alien Kangaroo-rat ass.”
Serolf Divad: “Will, the kangaroo rats are regrouping. I HOPE we can CHANGE this situation!”
“Regrouping? Aw HEEELLL NAAAW!”
agentstinky: or TruckNutz.
Look at the warm fuzzies, succer moms and Nazcar Dads. Don’t talk about the crumbling credit markets or anything serious.
That thing is going to give me nightmares.
This information casts serious doubts on the viability of my secret terrorist kangaroo rat training facility. If my rats can be tracked from space, then all is lost. I’m going to have to free the sharks with the lasers, the emu with SAM’s and the passenger pigeons with the night vision nano-recorders affixed to their cornea. Just when I thought I finally had those dirty Canadians where I wanted them, Uncle Sam comes along and throws a monkey wrench into my plans…
In other news John McCain claimed to have invented the technology that allows us to count rats from space and that the foundations of our economy, the American Workers, are better at counting rats from space than any other nation in the world.
Sarah Palin says that she can see rats from her house.
The best thing the aliens could do with all that genetic information they’ve been stealing for decades is combine a kangaroo and a rat? Wow, aliens are like idiot kids playing Spore.
If we can count rats from space, why can’t we find Bin Laden?
Interviewed for this story, a giant kangaroo rat stated, “This invasion of our privacy is rodent-o-phobia at its worst. You would never do this to giant Pandas, the Paris Hiltons of endangered species.”
agentstinky: That’s not a good movie. That’s more of the same!
Kill them all!
I think Sara’s nom de plume is “Tracie Cone”…
Canmon (the Inadequate): Because the rats haven’t been dead for ten years.
Canmon (the Inadequate): How can you scare everyone with the Boogeyman if the Boogeyman is dead?
The speech I just watched Dubya give was short & sweet.
We just bought Freddie, Fannie & some insurance.
I’m the decider.
Bye.
It looks like the AP has a problem with stealing “Weird Al” Yankovic songs and making them into newspaper stories.
I demand that WALNUTS! form a commission immediately.
i’m still waiting for an explanation from nasa about how they can pick one moon rock from the hundred gazillion ordinary rocks. i guess that’s why they make the big bucks.
are kangaroo rats cuter than the bubonic plague rats? nevermind.
LittlePhatGuise: I think right about now’s where we can start filing Bush away as a lame dick.
Kangaroo rats are actually pretty neat. They have like the most efficient kidneys of any mammal and almost never need to pee. Okay, so I did a report on them in elementary school and even back then they were endangered.
He is working on it! He still needs to finish his “Peoples Truth Commission” to deal with all of those traitors on wall street!
Vanity Smurf: Show-off.
Strictly for the Tardcore: Flaccid Bush?
Vanity Smurf: I don’t how often they have to pee. The question is: do they taste good with hot sauce?
Vanity Smurf: “even back then they were endangered.”
Almost on par with the “Freedom Cage”.
Hunter Gathers: Only the kidneys.
LittlePhatGuise: Let that image simmer for a while.
Hunter Gathers: Not likely. They’re probably gamey as hell and have less meat on them than a WALNUTS! stump speech.
“Their fat five-inch bodies are a favored source of food for the endangered kit fox.”
Kit foxes are probably as cute as can be, even as their razon sharp teeth rend the flesh of the still living rat, but who can trust a news source who says that something five inches long is “Giant”.
Tracie Cone must be getting short-changed in the sack.
Muad’Dib is wise in the ways of the desert. Muad’Dib creates his own water. Muad’Dib hides from the sun and travels in the cool night. Muad’Dib is fruitful and multiplies over the land. Muad’Dib we call ‘instructor-of-boys.’ That is a powerful base on which to build your life, Paul-Muad’Dib, who is Usul among us.
Kangaroo rats? I smell a Linda Richman skit.
freakishlystrong: That’s actually my “porn name.”
Well, it’s a better use for Israeli defense satellites than, say, starting WW III by striking Iran.
Sara K. Smith: Oho! So we are ‘Editor SK Smith’ now, are we? You should make it more regale such as: ‘Lady High Panjandrum SK von Smith’ or the equivalent. When putting the foot down with a firm hand it’s best to do it from as high up as possible, viz. low earth orbit.
TGY: ‘regal’. Whatevs.
So will these satellites be able to see me masturbating in the park? Because that would be awesome.
Great, I’ve been hand counting these rats by hand this whole time! When was someone going to tell me they had a better way? I’ve wasted to much time.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Right-thinkers know that the use of kit foxes cheapens the entire Carrizo Plain — if McCain’t/Phailin is elected, they will insist that the foxes be built from scratch.
All I know is, if you scrape off the footmarks, you can eat a cheesecake after a kangaroo rat’s danced in it. Just sayin’.
C’mon. This is Fresno. Is anyone really surprised?
We can count motherfucking kangaroo rats from space (Hey, McCain, you missed this earmark, buddy) but we can’t find Osama bin Laden? Fucker is in a meat freezer somewhere waiting for the October Thaw.
Ken doesn’t give a shit about kangaroo rats.
He’s worried about those murder-scene witnessing Mojave existentialist crawling tortoises wandering around near Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs being to take hold . . . .
BATS! BATS! BATS!
What happened to good ol’ fashioned kangaroos?