It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh ….
- “John McCain embraces and expels Washington like an accordion player belting out a song.”
- “Squeeze in, and he’s the new capital tour guide for his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.”
- “Draw out, and he’s never set foot in the city himself.”
- “Squeeze in, and he’s got the Washington skill set needed to right the country’s Wall Street woes.”
- “Draw out, and he distances himself from the administration of the Republican president who has endorsed him.”
- “There are even times when McCain does both — squeeze in and draw out — in the same thought.”
- “It sounds the note he hopes voters will hear on Election Day, that of the experienced newcomer.”
Next week on the AP Wire: John McCain is like an old guy who bowls down at the bowling alley, or something, but newfangled video games distract his attention, or something.