mama's got a squeeze box

AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players

WTF?It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh ….

  • “John McCain embraces and expels Washington like an accordion player belting out a song.”
  • “Squeeze in, and he’s the new capital tour guide for his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.”
  • “Draw out, and he’s never set foot in the city himself.”
  • “Squeeze in, and he’s got the Washington skill set needed to right the country’s Wall Street woes.”
  • “Draw out, and he distances himself from the administration of the Republican president who has endorsed him.”
  • “There are even times when McCain does both — squeeze in and draw out — in the same thought.”
  • “It sounds the note he hopes voters will hear on Election Day, that of the experienced newcomer.”

Next week on the AP Wire: John McCain is like an old guy who bowls down at the bowling alley, or something, but newfangled video games distract his attention, or something.

McCain has 2 faces: Washington in- and outsider [AP]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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50 comments

  1. Godot

    Y’see, McCain is like Jell-O Pudding! No, actually, he’s more like Kodak Film! No, actually John McCain is like the New Coke: he’ll be around forever! Heh heh heh!

  2. Dave J.

    There are even times when McCain does both — squeeze in and draw out — in the same thought.

    Disgusting.

  3. azw88

    Johnny-Mac as accordion player, just in time for OktoberFest.

    His wife will supply the beer, Johhny-mac plays the squeezebox while the V-PILF screeches out a song about hunting mooses and wolves from an airplane….
    enough to drive an avoid tea-totaler to suck down Bud light by the bucketful.

  4. Lazy Media

    MOTHERFUCKER! That goddamn Glen Johnson at the AP plays the accordion, I guarantee-fucking-tee it. He must be hunted down and killed.

    Not that I hate accordion music that much; the French and zydeco stuff is kinda nice. It’s amateur accordion players that burn my bacon.

  5. sanantonerose

    Actually, I always attend the International Accordion Festival in October. Pretty damn cool. Lots of beer.

  6. V572625694

    Obviously the AP is pro-torture. That accordion metaphor was waterboarded, stretched on a rack, burned with cigarettes, and everything else but chased under the porch with a stick. [tee-hee, I made a metapor!]

  7. warreno

    That’s not accordion playing; it’s just plain old dementia.

    John McCain is like an old granddad rocking in a rocking chair on the porch. “When I was your age everything cost a nickel!” He rocks forward. “You could buy a house for one hundred dollars.” He rocks backward. “And you could get real cocaine in your Coca-Cola!” He rocks forward. “And it only cost ONE NICKEL!” He rocks backward.

    Good non-god what a useless fluff piece. Send him out to pasture already. There’s actual news happening, and an actual candidate who might actually be able to do something in the next .8 decade.

  8. InsidiousTuna

    [re=99569]Ken Layne[/re]: I’ve been watching this fucker march for about five minutes now. What the fuck have you done?

  9. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=99621]sanantonerose[/re]: I just got one of my very own! I like to invite men over to my house with promises that they can fiddle with the buttons on my squeezebox.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=99584]NotLaughing[/re]: Count me in, too on the accordion love. Los Lobos just wouldn’t be the same without the squeeze box. BooZoo Chavis wouldn’t even exist!

    Besides, as a literary device, accordions are funnier than waffles.

  11. smellyal8r

    [re=99645]warreno[/re]: That’s where we need to send jamakane…to a rocking chair at Walter Reed or some such. “Gather ’round vets and I’ll tell you my tale of FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.” “Aw naw, not again,” the cheerless vets and their worried spouses say as they sit down for yet another story. Meanwhile, President BHO demands “responsibility from Wall Street” and the stock markets shoot over the 20,000 mark. The End.

  12. sanantonerose

    [re=99658]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Is what that hideous sound is? Crying? Bagpipes should only be played outside. On a hilltop. Far away. In Scotland. Or the moon.

    [re=99665]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Mama’s got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night!

  13. regisgoat

    [re=99621]sanantonerose[/re]: WTF? Never heard of that Oregon fest. I’m there next year for sure provided we’re not in nuclear winter by then. As a proud accordion player, I’m real pissed off that McCain is now supposedly able to play one after FIVE AND A HALF YEARS of those yellow devils stomping on his fingers; it’s harder on the fingers and shoulders than diddling the Internet…. Anyway, the doof who wrote this article is describing a diatonic instead of a piano accordion, apparently.

  14. lawrenceofthedesert

    As the ancient Greeks said, “Don’t kill the accordion.” I sympathize with what the reporter was trying to do, i.e., depict the contradictory confusion that McCain’t is trying to create by jumping on the change word when it suits him, then voting for the status quo in the Senate. No telling how edited the story was by a fascist editor (they do their dirty work in the shadows). I once had a very satirical profile of a musician turn out a total puff piece after eight different editors took deliberate swipes at it, on orders from the publisher. Writing about obfuscation tends to result in a pretty confusing story.

  15. S. Cullen Bonz

    More bad news for McCain. The Hanoi Hilton notified him his rewards points he earned from his stay there are about to expire.

  16. Viva la Cynthia

    So accordion-playing was the best they could come up with? Couldn’t they use something more ready in the minds of everyone, like, I don’t know…flip flops, perhaps? Besides, how am I supposed to bring an accordion to an Obama rally to mock McCain–flip flops fit in my purse and are thus easily portable.

  17. villageatrois

    Howza bout the two brothers who got a job on New Year’s Eve, when every other band was booked? They played accordion and banjo. But they were pretty good and the crowd liked them.

    So, the club owner said, “how about coming back next New Year’s Eve?”

    “Sure”, said the older brother, “can we leave our stuff?”

    tah-rum-dah!

  18. TGY

    “Telling the truth is a dangerous business
    If you admit you can play the accordion,
    no one will want you for a rock-and-roll band.”
    -Ishtar

    “There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have never seen Ishtar and those who wish they hadn’t.”
    -TGY

  19. Accordion-o-rama

    Okay, one more. A man is driving across country with an accordion in his back seat when he stops for lunch at a diner. After eating, he walks back into the parking lot and sees that his rear seat window is smashed. In a panic, he rushes to his car, and finds his worst fear realized – someone has put two more accordions in his back seat.

  20. sanantonerose

    One more!

    A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he’ll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

    A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
    Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
    This guy pays his £50. Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

    “Ha,” the Scot says. “Can ye no play it?” The Octopus looks at him and says: “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off…”

  21. regisgoat

    “Look, there goes the accordion player’s Lexus!” And now I have composed a sentence never before uttered in English.
    Thanks for the tip, Rose–used to have a great poster for that San Antonio fest. When in Cotati, California, weekend before labor day, join the “Lady of Spain” ring; the kind of cacophony people travel miles to hear.

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