Wonkette
Yes, a McCain advisor said that John McCain “helped create” the motherfucking BlackBerry, which is an insult to John McCain, who lost his ability to type or invent small digital devices that have tiny little keys when he was in Vietnam for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN.
Waving his BlackBerry personal digital assistant and citing McCain’s work as a senator, [Douglas Holtz-Eakin] told reporters Tuesday, “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.”
[...] Holtz-Eakin, former director of the Congressional Budget Office, said McCain’s service on and leadership of the Senate Commerce Committee put him at the intersection of a number of economic interests, including the telecommunications industry.
It is horribly sad and offensive that even John McCain’s advisors, who are supposed to help him win this dumb election, cannot resist making him look like an asshole. Everybody knows that John McCain invented the celesta and has zero interest in that Al Gore techmology crap.
Adviser says McCain helped create the BlackBerry [AP]
I hear he also invented the rotary engine.
Maybe he meant that McCain helped invent the alphabet which is now on the Blackberry…
I hope to God that someone asks him how a cell network works… should be hilarious.
If anything, I’d figure that Walnuts would have invented Olestra (Proctor and Gamble’s fake fat) because he’s so familiar with anal leakage and bloating.
Man if only I had a blackberry! I would have a reason to thank him for something for once!(Other than saving us from the godless terrorists!)
I thought he helped invent coal.
That’s Racist!!!
A Black Barry?
Get the fuck out of here.
mookworthjwilson:
Fire?
Wow - McCain invented the Crackberry? In CANADA? Last I checked Canada was part of the Axis of Literate, which means he’s an appeasimator and treasonator and probably eats Kraft Dinner, which is what evil Canadians call Macaroni and Cheese.
Yeah, but Obama invented the iPhone.
Hey now, DaVinci invented the hang glider and the programmable robot with out fuckin’ building ‘em people! Walnuts was also just far, FAR ahead of what technology at the time could do to give form to his divine visions.
McCain actually invented the first Blackberry out of pieces of bamboo and chicken bones scrounged from the floor of his cell while he spent 5 1/2 years in a Vetcong pit of hell. He shoved the prototype up his ass and held that uncomfortable hunk of bamboo and chicken bone up there for 5 1/2 long years before being released and selling his invention to Research in Motion.
True story. 100% veracious.
All hail our technological overlord, Johnny Walnuts!!! He doesn’t need to type, he only has to harness the AWESOME power of his mind.
This just in: McCain also invented the dildo. Meghan was lonely.
I thought he invented the cotton gin…
He means the fruit people. He was around back then.
LittlePhatGuise: A Black Barry?
God, if I wasn’t so drunk and stoned right now I might have come up with something that funny. BRB AA meeting.
InsidiousTuna: I thought Obama was an iPhone?
Hey- MSNBC has a silly little poll about which candidate will be best for the economy. I chose our chocolate saviour, and it turns out that 79% of the close to 8,000 who’ve clicked agree. Well, that’s all the polling I need to see- I may just get out of bed today!
Smart move by the McCain camp- this kind of proclamation did wonders for Al Gore
A McCain aide later dismissed the remark as “a boneheaded joke by a staffer.”
He meant ‘Dingleberry’, obviously.
http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/
“UPDATE, from the pool report: McCain aide Matt McDonald said that the senator “laughed” when he heard the comment.
“He would not claim to be the inventor or anything, much less the BlackBerry. This was obviously a boneheaded joke by a staffer,” McDonald said.”
Walnuts trying to backtrack because he doesn’t want to be thought of as a lying, deceitful bastard. Also by “laughed”, I’ll presume that means he sunk his yellowed teeth into Douglas Holtz-Eakin’s neck & kicked him in the coconuts.
So it’s ironic that McCain will be defeated by a Black Barry this November?
*crickets chirping*
Are not Blackberries, uhh, ELITE?!?
NoWireHangers: He created himself in the ethereal void before time. So, yeah.
All right! At least we know who to blame now.
Douglas Holtz-Eakin isn’t some lowly staffer. He’s one of his top advisors.
That’s bullshit we can believe in.
Given McCain’s age, he was clearly referring to the “hand wave”, one of the most ancient forms of telecommunication.
I for one would not be surprised if he invented the Blackberry. You saw that he made a VP out of a C*nt.
mookworthjwilson: ManchuCandidate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqwZUGa4CxE
obfuscator: I blame you for getting me fired for laughing at my desk at work (we have a strict “no happiness” rule here).
Serolf Divad: I’ll bet when Walnuts thought the Viet Cong prison guard was making an X in the sand, he was really drawing out the schematics for the Blackberry. (We all know the Asians know high tech.) Walnuts remembered the plan & 30 years later sold them to RIM. Yeah, that’s it.
Everyone, he helped invent the Cotton Gin, thus ushering the country into the Industrial Revolution, for which we have yet to thank him.
Sure, the “BlackBerry” McThuselah invented was a terra cotta slab that weighed thirty-five pounds, but whatever–same diff. Also, it didn’t have a keypad. Instead you used a stylus (that’s Sumerian for “pointy stick”) to make cuniform impressions on the slab. And then you had your slave carry it on his back to the recipient. So, yeah, McCain totally invented the BlackBerry.
ManchuCandidate: win.
Some economist with a funny name and some sort of importance (Reuters linked to this), is saying mean and nasty things about the economy:
http://www.rgemonitor.com/roubini-monitor/253618/the_worst_financial_crisis_since_the_great_depression
I’ve been distracted from all the usual Wonkette tomfoolery, all this economical stuff is making my funny bone bleed. I need a REALLY good poo joke to cheer me up.
And here I thought he just invented “War-washing”: the art of covering up ANYTHING questionable you EVER did ever after by retreating back to a story of how you were a war hero.
mookworthjwilson: no, that was the Wankel.. McCain is the Wanker…… (ask your Brit friends if unsure of meaning of wanker)
McCain invented the 2-gender ticket. Here’s how Barry can steal his thunder, and maybe even get elected….
Replace Joey the Shark with Pantsuit, now…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-ostroy/why-replacing-biden-with_b_126234.html
This is all funny and ha-ha and all, but only represents the mere tip of the Jadedness Iceburg and the Billboard of Huge Irony. Because, seriously, McCain will be LONG down the road of Total and Utter ASS by November 4. And he’s still gonna be our next president.
Really, it’s easier to be a Doom-laden pessimist than have my soul crushed in the wee hours of November 5.
1337b07: (Other than saving us from the godless terrorists!)
McCain saved us from Christopher Hitchens? I’m voting for him after all!
FalconerHK:
BRB AA meeting.
Be sure to stop at the liquor store on the way home, hon. Gonna be a long seven weeks.
Texan Bulldoggette: Oops…I mean a cross in the sand.
…yeah, and next he will tackle the problem of creating anti-protons using the Large Hadron Super Collider?!
tennessee Jed clampett: go ‘way plz
AngryBlakGuy:
Antimatter is Satan’s building blocks, you know.
Dear California… thank you for passing prop two fifteeeeeen! It makes reading teh Wonkette the happiest time of the day!
That’s change I can believe in.
tennessee Jed clampett: Since when does Hillary Clinton play second fiddle to anyone? Oh wait there was that ONE time back 1998…….
“You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.”
azw88: see-mookworthjwilson:
azw88: No, I’m pretty sure Barney Coopersmith invented the rotary engine. I saw a thing on it once, I think.
He invented the vomitorium as well, and we could all use one about now, after all this horseshit. OT/Did anyone see Surly Mc.Crankypants on Mornin’ Joe!? He had one of his “episodes”….
McCain also invented the combination of codeine and cough syrup.
OK, actually Cindy invented that. But it’s DELICIOUS.
Thank the fuck Christ I have an elitist iPhone to attract the kindergartners. I’d shit and die if MY phone was invented by John “Research In Motion” McCain. LOL Sorry losers!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Thank you, Senator McCain, for your help in inventing this marvel of modern technology. Besides email, GPS & many other features, the mobile internet browser makes it easier than ever for Republican movers and shakers to search for cock.
InsidiousTuna: just being realistic…. older women are fleeing in battleground states…. i need a beer….
obfuscator: I’m sure I meant to add some witty observation on that quote. Oh well.
AngryBlakGuy: Don’t give Walnuts any ideas. He’ll drop one of his many inventions (the wheel, for example) in the super collider and destroy existence. Not that he’s not going to do that anyway.
McCain had blackberries in his Metamucil once, hence, he’s a techno-wizard.
freakishlystrong: Yes I did. Fortunatly for ‘Morning Mika’ he was being interviewed via sattelite, or he would have bitched slapped her. I also think he called her a trollup.
You have to give it to the guy, over the past few weeks he’s invented a lot of shit: that “lipstick on a pig” is sexist, that SP is qualified to handle a nation like Russia cause she can see it, that teaching little kids to avoid strangers is giving them sex-ed…
He’s like Issac Newton–with skin cancer and no soul.
He will invent the first instance in US Election History of aging white warlord losing soundly to a half-Negro from Hawaii.
And for that I say, Kudos, John McCain. Kudos.
What they mean is that the BlackBerry is based on the North Vietnamese technology found in Walnuts’ Manchurian Candidate remote control device implanted in his cheek.
Pretty stupid! Everyone knows Sarah Palin is the inventor of the BlackBerry.
Texan Bulldoggette: “Walnuts trying to backtrack because he doesn’t want to be thought of as a lying, deceitful bastard. ”
Day late; dollar short.
McCorpse couldn’t even process the “basic six” analog instruments to keep his aircraft aloft.
I’ve never used this ‘blackberry’, but I like the charismatic right wing fem-bot he invented to serve as his running mate.
McCain did invent the blackberry. Not the electronic device but the berry. He cross-pollinated a raspberry with a dewberry during the late Renaissance.
Oh no! Haha. Sorry young libruls, little miscommunique! I think they really mean he invented the blackberry. Not the Blackberry, just the blackberry. You know, the fruit.
magic titty: He also invented the Gimpy War Hero-Kept Man archetype. Most impressive.
But WALNUTS says he invented WiFi, right here - so he must have invented the BlackBerry:
It’s a two-way street, though - he says in the same answer it’s the fault of Navy scientists he crashed his planes so often:
Does Walnuts really want to lay claim to the invention of the BlackBerry, and everything that comes with it?
Not to mention that the BlackBerry comes to us from hated Socialist Hippie Canada.
obfuscator: “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.”
Wait, what? Was he holding up a picture of fire? Or cupcakes? Oh, I know - he was holding up a picture of BABY JEEEEEBUS!
See, McCain is so old he’s the Father of the Son of God! Man that guy gets around. Shagging Mary behind Joseph’s… Joe… JOE? Lieberman? Arrggghhhh! The weed is wearing off!
Hunter Gathers: I can barely watch “Mornin’ Buchannan” anymore without throwing things, but tuned in to see Biden, and instead got a face full of that mean old tyrannosaur, (and that awful, weird grin..). Put me off my feed…
They meant he invented the actual berries that grow on the vine. In 275 B.C. Walnuts! was hungry. He noticed some dung near a thorn bush. He tried to eat the dung, but it needed salt. He flung the dung into the thorns and stalked away extremely irritated, his death grin twitching in disgust. Little did he know the dung contained a rare cross pollinated version of the flower of the thorn bush, a variety that created small fruits.
Walnuts! returned to the location weeks later, having remembered the tasty dung dinner he cast aside. That time he brought salt with him. He noticed the blackberries he accidentally created, but he was far more interested in the dung. He liked it with salt, but never touched the berries.
[from "An Anthropological History of the Walnuts! Creature," by Jesus H. Krist]
tennessee Jed clampett: Silly, that was Karl Rove!
and, somehow, you left off the descriptors “prevaricating” and “incompetent.”
Also, he suggested a tungsten filament to Thomas Edison. John McCain is truly history’s greatest hero.
He cross-pollinated a raspberry
Ewww!
with a dewberry
Oh, whew.
“You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create. Ok, that’s enough, Meghan, you can put your top down now.”
John McCain invented Tom Waits.
Dave J.: Oh fuck you sir
obfuscator: With a little sponging off of James Brolin, but I see what you’re getting at.
Dave J.: As we all know, Meghan was the chief benefactor of Walnut’s greatest invention: the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Considering how much of human history Walnuts has passed through, you’d hope he’d invent SOMETHING by now, or come up with a vast philosophical treatise…but the latter might be asking too much.
“One day, someone will cure cancer, and fly with their own battery powered rockets.”
-Magic Titty
So now, when these things actually happen years from today, you can all remember how i invented them. Thank you.
If McCain ever tried to use a Blackberry, I think it would take about 5 minutes before the frustration ended with him throwing it at one of his assistants, a la Naomi Campbell. Crusty McOldster can’t even play on the interwebs. Which is good, really. Last thing I’d ever want to read is his blog. It would probably be filled with reports on how his bran is treating him and whether he remembered to take all his meds.
Also, on Morning Joe this a.m., McCain said something about his being a Teddy Roosevelt Republican, with regard to the economy. All I could think was, yeah, Grampy probably knew Teddy Roosevelt personally.
So does this mean Al Gore can’t work a cell phone?
mookworthjwilson: No, McCain invented the rotary club.
no, he helped invent that thing chimpanzees use to get insects out of trees.
btw, paulson has obtained assistance from the alternate parallel universe where gore is president. all will be well.
He invented as a gift to the american worker, to help us through the new 168 hour work week. OT not optional.
Super duper fun alert: Katie Couric to interview Palin next week. Start popping the popcorn now!
http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/cbs/couric_to_interview_palin_next_week_94595.asp
for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, the only thing that kept him alive was the knowledge that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice …
mookworthjwilson: zomgz! i can thank him while i’m driving my mazda rx-8 for like 7 miles to the gallon! thanks, senator honorable!!!
Now Johnny-Mac denies the claim…. but of course, Johnny-Mac doesn’t speak for his campaign.
John McCain has reinvented himself while inventing the blackberry.
Now he’s a champion regulator of Wall Street as well. Cindy is also the Mother Theresa of botox.
Hunter Gathers: Ha! McCain’s campaign called its “top” economic adviser a “boneheaded staffer.”
Isn’t that special.
NoWireHangers: No, he’s a WePhone.
I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
sorry, i didn’t meam to demean mcmean. the chimpanzees actually have a tool kit -; as per, “national geographic”. mccain and cheeta are co-developers.
ha ha this is funny:
http://pinkomag.com/2008/09/16/john-mccain-maverick-inventor/
mavericky!
Baconcat: Actually that was the wooden club.
McCain is a total idiot and big fucking liar. “I said the fundamental of our economy is the American worker. I know the American worker is the strongest, the best, the most productive and most innovative,” McCain told ABC television.”
No he never mentioned American worker during his speech. He’s delusional and must be stopped!!! He’s already suffering from Als Heimer’s disease.
NOt only that, but I’m not strong, the best or the most productive, old man. Innovative? Hah! I read wonkette to get my news. Oh wait. Forget that last part.
No, no, he invented the raspberry. pffffft.
These motherfuckers are really living in an alternate reality! Invented the Blackberry? This old coot couldn’t even fly a plane correctly. Crashed five planes? War hero? Jeezus. . .in which world?
McCain helped to popularize a predecessor of the Blackberry: the abacus. He gave them to Civil War defense contractors as Christmas gifts and had an aide who sort of knew how use one. Lately his staff has been using one to count the straws they’re grasping at.
It’s a fascinating campaign so far, methinks, in that Obama insists on a macro-campaign, while Rove and the right try to make it micro. Unsuccessfully, I might add; so far, the usual tricks aren’t working.
Hunter Gathers: Douglas Holtz-Eakin is a person McNuggets invented.
Al Gore still wins - inventing the internet is so much cooler than inventing the Blackberry. Besides which, doesn’t everyone have an iphone by now? Blackberrys are SOOO 2006!
McCain actually did invent the Blackberry, but not the gadget…the actual blackberry. McCain invented it approximately 18 million years ago.
The irony is that deregulation of the communications industry has worked SO FUCKING WELL.
InsidiousTuna: this is the best comment EVER on wonkette! ty!
John McCain invented dirt, from which all blackberries spring forth.
McCain invented paper while a POW in Egypt, being forced to build the pyramids. His inspriation was the Papyrus used by the Pharoahs.
Techno-Lord McCain is responsible for all the technological revolutions of the past 50 years. Color tv, HDTV, digital radio, washing machines, microchips, and the juicing machine. Just some of the inventions he’s has brought forth from his tinkering in his workshop at night.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
does that make him canadian or did he just sell his mini computer thingy to a canadian company? this must be investigated, they might get away with claiming that some place called panama is the 51st state but no way people buy canada is #52, real americans know what canada is & they don’t like it.
McCain invented the saddle so that humans could ride dinosaurs, as depicted at the creationist museum.
What he meant to say was that McCain invented a type of Blackberry, but that his was steam-powered.
The best paragraph of the story is the last one: In a statement, Democratic candidate Barack Obama’s campaign spokesman Bill Burton said: “If John McCain hadn’t said that ‘the fundamentals of our economy are strong’ on the day of one of our nation’s worst financial crises, the claim that he invented the BlackBerry would have been the most preposterous thing said all week.”
Darn straight, Hopey!
mclame is responsible for the destruction of that family and the end of society as we know it:
http://wcbstv.com/technology/blackberry.pda.sheraton.2.818223.html
The blackberry is a device that links people electronically through the servers at a Canadian company, you know, sort of “organizing” a “community” of device users, which would make him a . . .never mind.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Just great! One under-qualified overly-promoted woman interviewed by another.
Unless of course, Katie tries to show she has more balls than Charlie G and goes after those hard questions like “what is truly the best side dish to serve with roasted moose?” and “American really wants to know, Just where do you get your hair done?”
Wait, I thought he invented the cotton gin?
loquaciousmusic: Tom Waits was born to a traveling hobo on a train who was impregnated by a rapacious crow who’d eaten too many “special” mushrooms. I saw it on “Behind the Music”.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: He meant he was going to shoot some economists with an elephant gun.
Why does John McCain hate American innovation? As others have pointed out, Blackberry is Canadian, whereas two out of Blackberry’s three main competitors are US-based: Microsoft Windows Mobile and Apple iPhones.
Nixon invented the Watergate, Hillary the Whitewater, Cheney the Blackwater, McCain the Blackberry, Palin the Broken-Watergate, Obama the BlackBarry, but Biden?