INSTANT KARMA  12:39 am September 16, 2008

GOP Delegate Robbed Blind By Sexy Hero Gal

by Ken Layne

Check out this dude! He went to the Republican convention in St. Paul, as a delegate from Colorado! He is a 29-year-old attorney. He was real proud of himself, talking to the AP and giving this repulsive little interview to LinkTV. Ha ha ha ha ha, what happened to him is fantastic. It’s better than the infamous urban legend about the guy in the Batman suit raping some drunken loser at Mardi Gras — because this tale is true.

Dumb ass.Oh this is so beautiful. So dumb, so smug. He can’t pronounce “nuclear,” of course, so he’s going to pretend to drop “nukular” horror upon Iran because, hey, why not? “Less taxes and more war.” Yes indeed! What’s he wearing, anyway? Some kind of rockabilly getup from 1983? Good lord, money sure can’t buy class.

Anyway: A wonderful lady picked him up at a bar, and she went to his hotel room, and she slipped him a mickey. When he woke up, his entire ridiculous jewel-encrusted ultra-tacky wardrobe was stolen — “$120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings,” according to the Pioneer Press. Ha, it costs $120,000 to look like that? Who knew!

It was the night of Sarah Palin’s big dumb speech at the RNC. This guy, Gabriel Schwartz — “a single attorney and a fixture in Colorado Republican politics,” according to the Pioneer Press — was staying in Minneapolis at the fancy Hotel Ivy. He reportedly took this girl back to his $319-per-night room and she told him to get undressed while she made the drinks. This is a wonderful scene from some James M. Cain book, but rather than wearing a salesman’s suit, the mark is dressed like some castout from the Village People or the Stray Cats or god knows what.

“Victim reported suspect made victim drinks, told him to get undressed, which is the last thing he remembers,” a police narrative said. “Upon waking, victim discovered money, jewelry gone; total loss over $120K.”

A police report notes the crime occurred between 4:22 and 5:46 a.m., and Palmer said investigators believe Schwartz had been drugged, although he declined to discuss details.

Aside from the watch, ring, necklace, earrings and belt, Schwartz also reported a $1,000 purse or wallet, a $1,500 cell phone, $500 in cash and a couple of rings worth $50 had been taken.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We salute you, wonderful girl thief of Minneapolis. You are America’s Real Hero. Everything about you is a delicious testament to the American Dream … the American Dream of duping a vulgarian lawyer.

Many thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer-Press for reporting this perfect news article, to make America laugh again.

Republican by day, Romeo by night, robbed by morning [Pioneer Press]
Gabriel Schwartz: ‘Less Taxes, More War’ [LinkTV]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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InsidiousTuna September 16, 2008 at 12:43 am

$1500 cell phone? I had to pay $300 for my iPhone. What the fuck kind of cell phone costs $1500? Also, he had a couple of rings worth $50. Ha ha.

Dernyul September 16, 2008 at 12:48 am

He should have known he was getting set up when a woman acted interested in him.

azw88 September 16, 2008 at 12:48 am

Oh this is Bullshit!
He had a ring and a $2 necklace and he gave it all to that Rev. Haggard for one night of gay sex, and is now claiming this huge theft to get the insurance $$ to pay off blackmailers…..

gurukalehuru September 16, 2008 at 12:48 am

The girl was probably a guy.

MarineMustang September 16, 2008 at 12:50 am

The only way I would conceivably spend that much on a cell phone is if it was about the size of the iPhone, but also had a built-in projector, computing power of a desktop, and had a wireless-but-FiOS internet connection. Crystals and diamonds? Why don’t you keep those, thanks…

$10 says it was an ultra-tacky blinged-out crap phone that usually is given away for free, not even something classy like a Vertu.

tunamelt September 16, 2008 at 12:51 am

[re=97026]gurukalehuru[/re]: Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.

azw88 September 16, 2008 at 12:52 am

[re=97026]gurukalehuru[/re]: Most likely Todd Palin!

Wagamuffin September 16, 2008 at 12:54 am

I distinctly heard him say, “Less taxes and more whores”. Typical Republican.

MarineMustang September 16, 2008 at 12:55 am

Ok, now I’ve gone back and actually watched a bit of the video (even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, but curiosity got the best of me) and now I’ve got to go and donate to Obama and a whole slew of House races to get the filthy feeling off me.

ladymacbeth September 16, 2008 at 1:02 am

there is nothing in my life that totals to $120K.

tunamelt September 16, 2008 at 1:02 am

[re=97034]ladymacbeth[/re]: My college education? Although my private school I think costs more than that for 4 years…

hej September 16, 2008 at 1:06 am

[re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: He’s probably one of those guys who bought that stupid $1000 iPhone app. I can now put a face on that kind of excess.

obfuscator September 16, 2008 at 1:08 am

If there was a theme restaurant called “McDouchebag’s”, this guy would be a waiter there.

KittyKatMan September 16, 2008 at 1:09 am

Barry should use his executive privilege when he’s president and put the cocky little republican fuck in a flak jacket and boots and send him to Afghanistan (and no gun).

grendel September 16, 2008 at 1:10 am

I hope she took a big crap on his chest before she left for good measure. What a douche.

Odd Ass City September 16, 2008 at 1:12 am

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Seriously, I hope it wouldn’t happen to a nicer guy. But to him? Whatever. Also, if I had a $1500 phone I’d probably have to keep it in a safety deposit box, along with the jewels I’d be afraid to wear, if I had them…

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 1:13 am

So why the hell did he complain to the police? I figured as a Republican, he’d let the market regulate itself.

Johnny Zhivago September 16, 2008 at 1:15 am

[re=97038]KittyKatMan[/re]: This might be the guy that Jesus would torture.

ladymacbeth September 16, 2008 at 1:15 am

yes, but i suspect the Denver Minx (GOD! i love this chick!) did all of this in the time you and i bought our books for teh common core.

Josh Fruhlinger September 16, 2008 at 1:16 am

$1,000 purse or wallet

I was going to complain that this made no sense, but I guess a money-carrying object that costs a thousand fucking dollars should be able to transform itself into several different kinds of money-carrying objects on command.

Johnny Zhivago September 16, 2008 at 1:19 am

$1500 cellphone is probably the LG Ironman with 18k gold case.

Seems like something sought after mostly by celebrities and pimps…

Serolf Divad September 16, 2008 at 1:21 am

Oh, please, let at least one of those $50.00 rings be a pinky ring.

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 1:22 am

[re=97043]ladymacbeth[/re]: Oh, I so hope it was Jill Greenberg.

Oh, and check out that “vulagarian lawyer” link — dude’s dressed like the lead in a film called “Asshole, the Forgotten Christmas Elf.”

ladymacbeth September 16, 2008 at 1:22 am

republican douchebag! unite!


no. don’t.

ladymacbeth September 16, 2008 at 1:29 am

[re=97048]ladymacbeth[/re]: ummm: republican douchebagS! unite!


so please: somebody find our Denver Minx and make her our Wonkette Grrrlll.

contentsunderpressure September 16, 2008 at 1:30 am

Yuk, he’d fit right into the Moscow club scene where fur sure there would be some clonidine waiting for him, looks like he sells babies for a living. I hope the chick took some pics with that expensive douche phone.heheh

1337b07 September 16, 2008 at 1:30 am

Where is this wonderful women?! I must find her and marry her at once!

hockeymom September 16, 2008 at 1:31 am

I’ll bet he lives in Cherry Creek North. Good luck selling your overpriced condo, Denver Douchebag.

AmericanValues September 16, 2008 at 1:33 am

“Representative Clients” from Schwartz’s website: Ugly Russian Clothes!

Gregory_of_Nazianzus September 16, 2008 at 1:41 am

I’m shocked that Colorado is trending blue…

twoeightnine September 16, 2008 at 1:42 am
Lascauxcaveman September 16, 2008 at 1:43 am

[re=97046]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, please, let at least one of those $50.00 rings be a pinky ring.

[re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: What the fuck kind of cell phone costs $1500? Also, he had a couple of rings worth $50.

I’m putting two and two together here; since he had a $1500 phone, it was the ring tones the guy spent $50 apiece on. You know, brief recordings of brown Arabic dudes screaming in pain at Guantanamo; the crunch of kittens being crushed under the foot of Dick Cheney; the tinkling sound of Ann Coulter giving Larry Craig a golden shower…

You can download these and others for a $50 donation at the RNC website, y’know.

chili September 16, 2008 at 1:44 am

Hey Looosa, Karma for YOU.

Also, um, do people really hire you to defend them? I mean, you are smug AND unattractive, which seems kind of like a bad PR combo.

grevillea September 16, 2008 at 1:46 am

My god, with a week to polish his lines a little, he could be the next Palin… Ironic that he looks just like a lot of Iranian guys — but he needs 6 gold chains and a gallon of cheap aftershave to complete the effect.

contentsunderpressure September 16, 2008 at 1:49 am

[re=97055]AmericanValues[/re]: Holy crap, that us unreal!

dilhavarti September 16, 2008 at 1:52 am

You idiots, that’s Andrew Dice Clay!

bigguy September 16, 2008 at 1:56 am
grevillea September 16, 2008 at 1:58 am

Hey, if he links back here, he can double the number of “Media” links on his website!

AmericanValues September 16, 2008 at 2:00 am


I know! could it be that Schwartz’s $120,000 outfit was what he took in lieu of legal fees for Emperor Moth?

How deep does the well of douchewater go? Fraud charge coming for misrepresenting the value of the theft?

Tawmn September 16, 2008 at 2:04 am

Less taxes and more war. Declare war on this guy and kill him. This would be far less taxing. What a greaseball douche mama’s boy. Ick.

worstprezever September 16, 2008 at 2:05 am

Hallelujah! There IS justice in this world!

Want’s to ‘nuke’ Iran?? He looks so Iranian!!

Thought that was a sarcastic joke of some sick sort.

I’ll bet he’s really a Middle-Eastern spy.

contentsunderpressure September 16, 2008 at 2:06 am

[re=97068]AmericanValues[/re]: niiice, i likey!

BillyT September 16, 2008 at 2:07 am

I just wrote to him via his law firm’s Website!


I wrote:

“Dear Mr. Schwartz:

I have information about your assailant/robber. Please contact me at

1-888-SHE-WAS A HE!



Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star September 16, 2008 at 2:10 am

Looking at that greasy douchetard makes me feel like I’ve got maggots eating my eyeballs.

villageatrois September 16, 2008 at 2:10 am

[re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: “he had a couple of rings worth $50. Ha ha.”

They were plastic rings on his penis. Would have only cost $3, but he had them inscribed: “Coming in 2009, McCain/Palin”. As you can tell from reviewing his wardrobe, this is a guy who pays up for value-added artwork.

villageatrois September 16, 2008 at 2:15 am

One more thing — Cat Woman forgot to take his kidneys and leave him in a bath of ice-water. Other than that, A+.

Tawmn September 16, 2008 at 2:15 am

[re=97072]BillyT[/re]: Dear Mr. Schwartz,

I believe that I have recovered your expensive urban rapper phone. I’m curious, however, why it would contain so many pictures of your toothbrush up into some hooker’s ass…

InsidiousTuna September 16, 2008 at 2:16 am
villageatrois September 16, 2008 at 2:17 am

[re=97052]hockeymom[/re]: Where is Cherry Creek North in relation to Crestmore Park? I lived in that area as a child. It was not a douche-swamp in the long-ago before time.

worstprezever September 16, 2008 at 2:17 am

[re=97072]BillyT[/re]: That website’s a hoot. He’s the ‘founding member’!

Flim flam charade! Coverup Middle-Eastern spy operations going on people.

grevillea September 16, 2008 at 2:20 am

[re=97074]villageatrois[/re]: I heard they were Ron Jeremy Signature Collection rings for his Prince Albert, but I could be wrong.

Sir Gaywad Baggington-Douchely von Suck September 16, 2008 at 2:23 am

Sure, she took it; but who says she kept it? Knowing Minnesotans as I do, she probably just grabbed the stuff with some tongs, put it in a plastic bag, and hurled it into the Mississippi.

Hell, he’s lucky she didn’t dial up her Big Swedish Boyfriend and have him come over just to toss our Douchy friend right into the river himself. We are a calm people at heart; but you overbling among us at your own peril. When we snap, we snap HARD.

grendel September 16, 2008 at 2:24 am

[re=97047]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh hell… aren’t the trial lawyers supposed to be Democrats, especially the ambulance chasers?

contentsunderpressure September 16, 2008 at 2:26 am

What an uber douche. Should I launch a DOS attack on his site from the CIS?

commiegirl September 16, 2008 at 2:32 am

Is anybody else terribly, terribly saddened that the itemized jewels don’t come anywhere close to $120 thousand? Just what is the St. Paul Pioneer Press trying to pull???

S.Luggo September 16, 2008 at 2:35 am

Is he an androgynous version of the 50s singer Frankie Laine or Kālī, the destroyer? Or a Bill Kristol pool boy?

Gabriel Schwartz
Undercover? Pfftttt.
As we have learned, one should not to assume.
Perhaps, he’s just another NeoCon asshole Or maybe, just maybe, he exists in another sense. ………. As a double secret NeoCon asshole.

springfield_meltdown September 16, 2008 at 2:38 am

[re=97079]worstprezever[/re]: I love how in the Pioneer Press article and in the video he has so much enthusiasm for war and the military, but has never actually served according to his resume. Perhaps he should join up with JAG, which would be better than the bottom feeding he is doing right now. It is a four member firm that does almost every type of law imaginable and I suspect that they don’t do any of them particularly well.

S.Luggo September 16, 2008 at 2:38 am

Girl thief?

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 2:39 am

[re=97082]grendel[/re]: You know Republicans can’t live without their enemies. That’s the main difference between them and Democrats now. He’s just doing opposition research, and getting rich for it.

llyn September 16, 2008 at 2:46 am

[re=97086]S.Luggo[/re]: I’ll go with “a double secret NeoCon asshole.”

S.Luggo September 16, 2008 at 2:58 am

Girl thief? Sounds like a pro. Another metaphor for the free market.

Bigbruther September 16, 2008 at 3:02 am

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Hooooo hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Ho ho ho ho ho!!!!!! Ha! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!! Wheeeeeeeew! Haaaaaaaaah. Lordy. Payback’s a bitch. Bitch.

Special Agent Jack Mehoff September 16, 2008 at 3:07 am

Oh man! Can you imagine? you pay a girl all that money to take her clothes off in front of you and then get all excited and faint! OMG how embarrassing!

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 3:16 am

And when he woke and found all his money, cocaine and jewelry missing, he asked, “Where is that marvellous she-ape?”

The Hispanic Buddy Holly September 16, 2008 at 3:23 am

Are we sure that Mr. Schwartz is not actually Rob Schneider trying a new Republican, rockabilly asshole character out?

InsidiousTuna September 16, 2008 at 3:26 am

[re=97096]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This is why I love this site.

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 3:28 am

I’m going to send him a t-shirt that says “I paid $300 for this rape kit and all I got was anal warts. And this lousy t-shirt.”

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2008 at 3:31 am

[re=97099]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Yeah — come for the snark, stay for the shameless bestiality innuendo.

petite brawnley September 16, 2008 at 4:04 am

He who carries an elitist man-purse gets what he deserves. Perhaps it was really just his elitist man-toilet-kit with his expensive elitist-man-moisturizer — his skin looks so soft and shiny!

worstprezever September 16, 2008 at 4:52 am


These chicken hawks NEVER EVER serve in the military! Be it Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, heck Dubya was AWOL too.

Btw, word has it Track Palin was en route to prison if didn’t join the Army STAT, Oxycontin user.

Wagamuffin September 16, 2008 at 4:56 am

Sir GB-B Von Suck: Firstly. sir, you must shorten your name. I cannot hit the “Reply” button to your signature as it remains hidden behind your..ahhh…rather large appurtenance.

As you described how real Minnesotans deal with pumped up, pimped out legal weasels from the Rockies, I had a startingly clear vision: I saw Frances McDormand in the heroines role, “uh-huhing” her way into our hearts by riding this Steve Buscemi look-alike into the ground. It all ends happily, and bloodily, in a wood chipper.

The fact that my maternal grandfather was from Minnesota, makes me proud to be 1 or 2 degrees removed from that heroic hooker.

Weeping Jesus September 16, 2008 at 5:04 am

The strange math that gave a total of $120K for his losses only includes about $500 cash and $2000 in miscellaneous Maxim-endorsed “cool guy” junk. I assume the balance was a pocketful of IOU’s from his 2 clients that he used to get comp meals at the early-bird special buffets.

V2peaceAllOver September 16, 2008 at 5:38 am

Given that this is the age of the internet where things link this can and do happen — a “SuperLOLz” seems appropriate.

njdon September 16, 2008 at 6:21 am

what’s he complaining about. he’s still healthy and can steal another pile of crap from the public. he should be thanking jesus or the icon of his choice.

Guppy06 September 16, 2008 at 6:25 am

Yes, he got drugged and robbed blind, but the important question is whether he was a good little Republican and refused to wear a condom.

Cape Clod September 16, 2008 at 7:00 am

I’m sorry, but after seeing that interview the only thing that would have made me happy would be to learn that the girl snuffed out his smug, mono-syllabic, festering, miserable excuse for a life and claimed his little man as trophy.

ManchuCandidate September 16, 2008 at 7:10 am

The most fitting punishment after seeing this interview is he woke up robbed, naked and found himself surrounded by a bunch of gay Iranian Revolutionary Guards. So in this case, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

After about 30 secs of the interview, I really wanted to punch that motherfucker but after reading about what happened to Nucular Boy. I felt so much better.

irisheyes September 16, 2008 at 7:14 am

I missed this posting last night and this morning I was kind of shaky/panicking about the whole oncoming of the Second Great Depression thing. Now, ahhh. I rise to my day assured once more that the universe will right itself and karma is delicious.

dano September 16, 2008 at 7:16 am

“Less taxes, more war”
Leave it to this idiot savant to sum up the Republican’s vision for the future in just four words. Too bad neither of those things are sustainable.

facehead September 16, 2008 at 7:17 am

I suppose Wonkette just “happens” to have all this inside info through “research”

Ok, who was it? Juli? Sara? Or was it you, Ken Layne, you naughty she-man!

bitchincamaro September 16, 2008 at 7:26 am

Hmmmm…what’s that smellll…oh yeah, INSURANCE FRAUD! (And Bravo! to the lady-boy who now wears your de-coder ring).

dano September 16, 2008 at 7:27 am

I’m not saying that “woman” did the right thing, but if you’re wearing a $30,000 watch, you’re just begging someone to swipe it.

dano September 16, 2008 at 7:32 am

Something tells me that this incident won’t be good publicity for captain douchebag’s law practice.

surfacenoise76 September 16, 2008 at 7:35 am

Insurance fraud for sure. Who’s dumb enough to travel with $120,000 in personal items? I half wonder if any of it actually happened. Who’d invite a stranger up to his hotel and allow that person to make him a drink?

irisheyes September 16, 2008 at 7:38 am

Ooh wow. I just linked to their site and caught the commercial. Gawd, I hope he/she fucked him Hanoi Hilton Style before they left.

dano September 16, 2008 at 7:43 am

[re=97124]surfacenoise76[/re]: “Who’d invite a stranger up to his hotel and allow that person to make him a drink?”

Answer: Gabriel Schwartz, Attorney at Law

njdon September 16, 2008 at 7:50 am

[re=97122]dano[/re]: right on. on a trip to some french capitol, i was asked several times for the time. i whipped out my paint stained casio which keeps perfect time and told them. i was never bothered.

Borat September 16, 2008 at 7:56 am

If I were his insurance company, I would want to check the receipts of all the stuff he’s claiming. $120k outfit, yeah right. Why does he think he’s worth 1/3 of Cindy’s outfit?

I think there are several more bullet points we can add to his lame resume now:
-Member, defunct political party
-Member, date raped society
…anything else?

JDHART September 16, 2008 at 7:59 am

I expect he stopped by the convention on his way to the enlistment office. But he really should talk to someone about his daddy issues first.

TJBeck September 16, 2008 at 7:59 am

[re=97072]BillyT[/re]: Wow. Here’s a quick lesson for anyone looking for a lawyer: When the firm’s “areas or practice” greatly outnumber the number of lawyers in the firm, run.

The firm’s PRACTICE AREAS are diverse and distinguished. Our practice areas include, but are not limited to:

Matrimonial Law
Personal Injury
Construction Defect
Business Law
Criminal Defense
White Collar Crime Defense
Civil Litigation
Civil Rights
Tax Law
Real Estate
Estate Planning
Immigration Law
International Transactions
LLC, Partnerships,
Limited Partnerships,
and Limited Liability Partnerships
Administrative Law
Automobile Accidents
Worker’s Compensation
Liquor Licensing
Gaming Law
Election Law

They can soon add “Getting Scammed by Hookers” and “Insurance Fraud”.

TJBeck September 16, 2008 at 8:11 am

Oh wow, he’s got his resume up there too.

Some highlights:
• Manage two office locations

All these probably involve the same client, in chronological order:
• Assist foreign corporations and entities obtain proper authority to conduct business in the Unites States of America
• Advise and represent clients with living wills, last wills and testaments, trusts, probate matters, powers of attorney and estate planning both domestic and off shore—Isle of Man, Grand Cayman, etc.
• Represent clients with white collar criminal matters such as securities fraud
• Represent clients with felonies, misdemeanors and traffic violations including DUI offenses
• Negotiate plea bargains and dismissals of criminal matters
• Assist clients with bankruptcy, chapters three, seven and eleven

Some more fluff:
• Who’s Who Among American Law Students
• Model United Nations Debate/Model Arab League/International Forum Club (BOMB IRAN!)
• Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State
• Regular guest on Emmy Award winning political discussion television program “Colorado State of Mind”

Delicious September 16, 2008 at 8:18 am

Too bad the interviewer didn’t immediately ask the guy what makes McCain and Palin great. Then we could have ads that have this guy saying: “Less taxes. More war. McCain-Palin, woohoo!”

Monsieur Grumpe September 16, 2008 at 8:19 am

Ha ha. Wait till he finds out he enlisted in the marines. Army of one… asshole.

Monsieur Grumpe September 16, 2008 at 8:19 am

Minnesota nice at its best.

teebob2000 September 16, 2008 at 8:21 am

“Strategical??” “Nu-cue-lar??”

Has this half-wit twatwaffle signed on for the military, by any chance? Is that why he’s so anxious for war?

Clearly this is a democrat librul plant. Goddam leftist peace-niks.

Oh, wait — he had official delegate credentials? Oops.

rina September 16, 2008 at 8:21 am

For serious, you guys. He was in Model United Nations. We shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss his foreign policy expertise.

obfuscator September 16, 2008 at 8:24 am

“Less taxes and more war.”

This guy should have done Governor Palin’s interview prep. He’s obviously got the Bush Doctrine down cold.

BobLoblawLawBlog September 16, 2008 at 8:25 am

[re=97072]BillyT[/re]: Win.

Texan Bulldoggette September 16, 2008 at 8:31 am

She earned every dime of that money if she had to look at that loser naked. Hell, I’d have taken a kidney as well.

Voted for Mondale September 16, 2008 at 8:32 am

As a resident of the great City of Minneapolis, I can tell you it’s great to have pride in our community again!!

irisheyes September 16, 2008 at 8:37 am

Hey- has got Obama waffles as a top video story. We should all send them this:

teebob2000 September 16, 2008 at 8:38 am

[re=97132]TJBeck: • Who’s Who Among American Law Students[/re]

Don’t mock!! It probally cost him a grand to get listed!! But that includes a handsome leatherette-bound copy suitable for sitting on his credenza with *his* page bookmarked.

Canmon (the Inadequate) September 16, 2008 at 8:39 am

More roofies, less jewelry.

Jewdishoowary Square September 16, 2008 at 8:51 am

[re=97046]Serolf Divad[/re]: No, no, I think the rings together were worth $50. That means each one’s worth $25.


Monsieur Grumpe September 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

I couldn’t help but notice that his email address is at the top of his resume. You think he would be interested in some safe sex literature?

surfacenoise76 September 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

Texan Bulldoggette: C’mon, like she actually had to do much work. He has premature ejaculator written all over his face.

rmontcal September 16, 2008 at 8:55 am

SO is LinkTV a republican enterprise or what? Because it seems that even the interviewer can’t believe the crap coming out of this guy’s mouth.

His one line answers sure make for a compelling interview.

azw88 September 16, 2008 at 8:56 am

Well, at least we know she didn’t steal his virginity! Based on his attitude and like speech, he will keep he sacred cherry for a long time to come……

He will just have to get his jollies from legally screwing over some poor shmuck in Colorado in court

Undeterredbyreality September 16, 2008 at 8:57 am

And don’t forget, he:

• Owned and operated international businesses with offices in the U.S. and Russian Federation

and is

• Moderately fluent in Spanish and Russian.

I’d have to add English to that list. I wonder which of these languages he used to proposition his new girlfriend.

Texan Bulldoggette September 16, 2008 at 8:58 am

[re=97148]surfacenoise76[/re]: I also imagine he’s still ‘technically’ a virgin. (By ‘technically’, I mean farm animals, glory holes (in anything–fence, tree, sex shop), and anything made of latex do NOT count.)

Delicious September 16, 2008 at 8:58 am

[re=97132]TJBeck[/re]: • Regular guest on Emmy Award winning political discussion television program “Colorado State of Mind”

Colorado State of Mind? Would that be naked and passed out while getting robbed?

4tehlulz September 16, 2008 at 9:00 am

[re=97132]TJBeck[/re]: In short, he’s a lawyer for tax dodgers, drug kingpins, and shell companies for terrorists and foreign governments. No wonder he’s a Republican.

4tehlulz September 16, 2008 at 9:02 am

[re=97151]Undeterredbyreality[/re]: Russian mob.

God bless you tranny whore for dispatching a little justice in the world (assuming this isn’t just insurance fraud on his iPimp).

Strictly for the Tardcore September 16, 2008 at 9:08 am

[re=97148]surfacenoise76[/re]: I’m more perplexed that she decided to have Greasy McFlopsweat up there strip down before she slipped him the mickey. I mean, it’s easier than taking his clothes off after he’s unconscious, but that Andrew Dice Clay track suit’s only gotta be worth ten bucks at Goodwill.

jodyleek September 16, 2008 at 9:18 am

I love you SuperWhore! You are my hero! Can someone please immortalize her in a graphic novel?

Hart88 September 16, 2008 at 9:21 am

The guy has “mark” written all over him. He’s lucky he woke up at all.

stew September 16, 2008 at 9:25 am

Which ear did he wear the earings on?

stew September 16, 2008 at 9:32 am

…and are “earrings priced at $4,000″ common among male GOP delagates?

Viva la Cynthia September 16, 2008 at 9:40 am

First of all, I love the voiceover at the end of the ad that says, “Thanks for watching to this LinkTV special, ‘What Change Looks Like.’” Apparently change, in this case, looks like a putz.

Also, dude, the cops are never going to catch this perp unless you ‘fess up that this “lady” thief is 6’2″ with a 5 o’clock shadow, and is hung like a horse.

Viva la Cynthia September 16, 2008 at 9:42 am

[re=97178]stew[/re]: They are for the GOP delegates attempting insurance fraud.

Carrie_Okie September 16, 2008 at 9:43 am

Let’s hope she also took some compromising pictures of him too. I’m hoping she invited protesters in to tea-bag him and posts them on the internets. Likely he’s just scamming his insurance company. I mean what kind of rockabilly-widestance-cowboy has that much in jewelry on his person? If he were in fact robbed she didn’t go far enough. If they would have found him dead in two wetsuits…

Regina V. Dudley September 16, 2008 at 9:46 am

I sense bad news for University of Denver College of Law’s 2009 rankings. Colorado Bar Association, you are obviously asleep at the wheel.

PrairiePossum September 16, 2008 at 9:52 am

This is why Wonkette is my favorite news source. With all the depressing news about the economy and the campaigns, I desperately needed this story. It restores my faith in karma and hookers.

teddysalad September 16, 2008 at 9:55 am

This whole incident seems more plausible if the douche would admit the perp was a he!

Gopherit v2.0 September 16, 2008 at 10:03 am

[re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: It was probably an iPhone with the IAMRICH app. Dickhead.

captian pants September 16, 2008 at 10:04 am
ProgHead777 September 16, 2008 at 10:05 am

[re=97086]S.Luggo[/re]: His “most admired”, Colorado Secretary of State Mike Coffman, sounds more like “most likely to rig the election in Colorado.”

Viva la Cynthia September 16, 2008 at 10:07 am

[re=97201]captian pants[/re]: So he’s an ambulance chaser, to boot?! Yay! Now I don’t have any guilt whatsoever about making fun of him!!! I guess he knows a lot about committing insurance fraud then, so that should help recover the millions and millions of dollars that were stolen from him.

snig September 16, 2008 at 10:10 am

[re=97041]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Exactly!
Isn’t this how trickle down economics is supposed to work?

I wonder if she planted a flag somewhere. I also have a warm fuzzy about some deserving citizen buying his idiotic starspangled jacket from Goodwill for 3 bucks.

Gee, too bad there’s so many taxes, so he doesn’t have more money to spend on jewelry and faux-whores. If he’s having trouble affording more dress-up clothes he could just wear a t-shirt saying “Notice: I am a self-important ostentatious fuckhead.”

Bathroom Goblin September 16, 2008 at 10:16 am

I didnt even know that Axe mad a douche for men.

snig September 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

I always loved the question “Who would Jesus bomb?”. I think, reading this, Jesus would at least be tempted to say “Gabriel Schwartz, Esquire”.

capitol hillbilly September 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

this guy needs to market his own line of cologne – eau de ass.

WadISay September 16, 2008 at 10:31 am

The only thing that would delight me more about this story is learning that, shortly after this crime, the Obama campaign received a $120K contribution from an anonymous Minneapolitan. Well, that and this guy waking up with a baseball bat up his bum.

1337b07 September 16, 2008 at 10:34 am

I am glad this is still here, it makes a boring day of work so much more lol.

sezme September 16, 2008 at 10:41 am

[re=97046]Serolf Divad[/re]: cock ring.

Gopherit v2.0 September 16, 2008 at 10:53 am

[re=97230]sezme[/re]: Nah. I’m betting one of the $50 rings was his wedding ring. Don’t want to lose that fisting a hooker.

Strategical. This man is going to be a Republican candidate for president some day.

sezme September 16, 2008 at 10:54 am

[re=97201]captian pants[/re]: Ha ha, best commercial ever. It’s right up there with Bob Loblaw’s Law office on Arrested Development.

southernbitch September 16, 2008 at 10:56 am

as a resident new orleanian, i would just like to say that i have seen/heard/experienced way, WAY weirder things in the city around m.gras. batman raping a douche and paying a stripper in coke? um. not really that strange.

LBOtomist September 16, 2008 at 11:05 am

pbly no one else cares but “Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State” was LOLZ. This is the law school equivalent of the GED and is required before you sit for the bar. You could put this on your resume right next to “Passed Freshman English” and “Graduated from Pampers to Pull-ups”. What a douche.

larz September 16, 2008 at 11:25 am

That’s what “Terrorism” looks like.

BoreExpert September 16, 2008 at 11:40 am

You’re welcome!

saridout September 16, 2008 at 11:45 am

oh wow, there IS a god…

edgydrifter September 16, 2008 at 11:46 am

Praahstituuuke! So perfect. Wait, almost perfect. Perfect would be her giving him teh face herpes before she robbed him.

azw88 September 16, 2008 at 11:55 am

Wonder how long before the firm is just Schwartz, Attorney at Law? Unless of course his partners have the same penchant for thermonuclear holocaust and freaky sex with strange women/she-males/men.

I’m sure that the Colorado Bar association and the state Supreme Court is just ecstatic as all heel to have someone with his views listed as a ‘member in good standing’!! I guess every village needs an idiot….

catchdis September 16, 2008 at 11:58 am

jeebus, what a fucking KNOB! i blame nixon for spawning all this hubris and blatant crookery.

OzoneTom September 16, 2008 at 12:02 pm

“Vulgarian”? Is he from the Baltic States? Can he get me a good deal on Latvian Sprats?

Hamster September 16, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Trickle-Down Economics does work!

Advocatus_Diaboli September 16, 2008 at 12:29 pm

I love the part about “strategical” bombing of Iran.

When did McDonald’s start giving out law degrees in Happy Meals?

nietzscheprojectile September 16, 2008 at 12:31 pm

I would like to know how you make “victim drinks.” Is that the latest Republican cocktail?

Schadenfried September 16, 2008 at 12:35 pm

[re=97035]tunamelt[/re]: 120K for college? I know that wasn’t a state school.

Schadenfried September 16, 2008 at 12:37 pm

Isn’t the GOP the part of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY? It’s HIS fault for taking that skank back to his hotel room. Why didn’t he replace everything the next day on his Amex gold card?

angrymommy September 16, 2008 at 12:41 pm

after reading all of this i had to torture myself and watch the video. as far as i can tell the guy got off easy. all he got was his crappy stuff taken. at least he did not actually try to have sex with her and have to hear the words “is it in yet?”

Odd Ass City September 16, 2008 at 1:00 pm

I can’t forgive her/him for not taking all his clothes.

MC_Bob September 16, 2008 at 1:09 pm

He works for Resolutions, Inc.?????

HA! Loser.

Schadenfried September 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm


“Civil Rights”

Talk about one these things that doesn’t belong…

Schnormal September 16, 2008 at 1:23 pm

what a mama’s boy

Slutty_Chola_Cobbler September 16, 2008 at 1:43 pm

Why isn’t this fuck in Iraq fighting for “his” freedoms? Why is it they love war but want other people’s kids to fight them?

This fucktard she be sprayed with shit!!

Politicalchef September 16, 2008 at 1:45 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA! He is the king of all douchebags!

Also, from his resume:
“Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State”

Um, EVERY LAWYER PASSES THE MPRE – you have to to get a license. Duh.

Do you think he knows that the world thinks he’s a tool, yet?

raider12 September 16, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Who sez it was a girl (or a guy) that this douche brought back to his room. We all know that those Repubs loves thems a lipstick wearing pig. Johnny Carson always told Ed McMahon that pigs were smarted than horses.

regisgoat September 16, 2008 at 2:10 pm

Colorado’s answer to Lionel Hutz is, as some correspondent noted, a guest on a public-affairs program out of Denver. I’m sure someone bored and looking for more douchebaggery could find pod-casts of this self-satisfied and apparently none-too-discerning warmonger fulminating on TV.

Deepthroat September 16, 2008 at 2:11 pm

i think i’ve found a new career path

fuzznuts September 16, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Two questions:

1. What’s the first thing they should teach in law school?
“Never date a girl that has a bigger dick than you do.”

2. What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personality

Not that she / he was a bigger dick than this lawyer.
Well O.K., maybe.

Rebel Countess September 16, 2008 at 5:39 pm

Uh, “drunken loser” is SEXIST, children.

Aside from that, perfect story.

Just proves the “whore with a heart of gold” (or some good basic instincts) thing is NOT a complete

Obama might want to find this female and get some raw advice on how to “roll” a Republican.

He’s not rolling John McCain.

He doesn’t even understand why.

Rebel Countess September 16, 2008 at 6:12 pm

Let us make peace with the world.
Jack In Rochester.

Darkness September 16, 2008 at 6:18 pm

In the made for TV movie of this story, the victim falls so madly in love with the perpetrator next time he sees her (her tresses fall so beautifully over her orange jumpsuit, and her pout could melt steel) that he decides to represent her pro boner, er, bono.

Schnormal September 16, 2008 at 9:44 pm

she is a beautiful hundred diamond whore

Bitch's_Brew September 16, 2008 at 10:05 pm

Oh I am so fucking proud of my home town whores!

Hahaha. The Minneapolis Star Tribune says that someone (cops?) said that prostitution wasn’t involved. hahahaha!

hamletta September 16, 2008 at 10:47 pm

Oh, mah Gawd, y’all!

I read the comments today at work, but I had to wait till I got home to watch the video.

I believe the phrase “karmic justice” is operative here.

sappy September 16, 2008 at 11:41 pm
rev. barky September 17, 2008 at 11:56 pm

Oh my gosh! This is even worse than the Archbishop Flynn caper! (“Sob” We lost a priceless jewel encrusted crucifix…. oh, oh, wait a minute! Oh, I forgot I kept it in a shoe box up in my closet. Never mind!)

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