Check out this dude! He went to the Republican convention in St. Paul, as a delegate from Colorado! He is a 29-year-old attorney. He was real proud of himself, talking to the AP and giving this repulsive little interview to LinkTV. Ha ha ha ha ha, what happened to him is fantastic. It’s better than the infamous urban legend about the guy in the Batman suit raping some drunken loser at Mardi Gras — because this tale is true.

Dumb ass.Oh this is so beautiful. So dumb, so smug. He can’t pronounce “nuclear,” of course, so he’s going to pretend to drop “nukular” horror upon Iran because, hey, why not? “Less taxes and more war.” Yes indeed! What’s he wearing, anyway? Some kind of rockabilly getup from 1983? Good lord, money sure can’t buy class.

Anyway: A wonderful lady picked him up at a bar, and she went to his hotel room, and she slipped him a mickey. When he woke up, his entire ridiculous jewel-encrusted ultra-tacky wardrobe was stolen — “$120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings,” according to the Pioneer Press. Ha, it costs $120,000 to look like that? Who knew!

It was the night of Sarah Palin’s big dumb speech at the RNC. This guy, Gabriel Schwartz — “a single attorney and a fixture in Colorado Republican politics,” according to the Pioneer Press — was staying in Minneapolis at the fancy Hotel Ivy. He reportedly took this girl back to his $319-per-night room and she told him to get undressed while she made the drinks. This is a wonderful scene from some James M. Cain book, but rather than wearing a salesman’s suit, the mark is dressed like some castout from the Village People or the Stray Cats or god knows what.

“Victim reported suspect made victim drinks, told him to get undressed, which is the last thing he remembers,” a police narrative said. “Upon waking, victim discovered money, jewelry gone; total loss over $120K.”

A police report notes the crime occurred between 4:22 and 5:46 a.m., and Palmer said investigators believe Schwartz had been drugged, although he declined to discuss details.

Aside from the watch, ring, necklace, earrings and belt, Schwartz also reported a $1,000 purse or wallet, a $1,500 cell phone, $500 in cash and a couple of rings worth $50 had been taken.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We salute you, wonderful girl thief of Minneapolis. You are America’s Real Hero. Everything about you is a delicious testament to the American Dream … the American Dream of duping a vulgarian lawyer.

Many thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer-Press for reporting this perfect news article, to make America laugh again.

Republican by day, Romeo by night, robbed by morning [Pioneer Press]
Gabriel Schwartz: ‘Less Taxes, More War’ [LinkTV]

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  1. Oh this is Bullshit!
    He had a ring and a $2 necklace and he gave it all to that Rev. Haggard for one night of gay sex, and is now claiming this huge theft to get the insurance $$ to pay off blackmailers…..

  2. The only way I would conceivably spend that much on a cell phone is if it was about the size of the iPhone, but also had a built-in projector, computing power of a desktop, and had a wireless-but-FiOS internet connection. Crystals and diamonds? Why don’t you keep those, thanks…

    $10 says it was an ultra-tacky blinged-out crap phone that usually is given away for free, not even something classy like a Vertu.

  3. Ok, now I’ve gone back and actually watched a bit of the video (even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, but curiosity got the best of me) and now I’ve got to go and donate to Obama and a whole slew of House races to get the filthy feeling off me.

  4. Barry should use his executive privilege when he’s president and put the cocky little republican fuck in a flak jacket and boots and send him to Afghanistan (and no gun).

  5. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Seriously, I hope it wouldn’t happen to a nicer guy. But to him? Whatever. Also, if I had a $1500 phone I’d probably have to keep it in a safety deposit box, along with the jewels I’d be afraid to wear, if I had them…

  6. $1,000 purse or wallet

    I was going to complain that this made no sense, but I guess a money-carrying object that costs a thousand fucking dollars should be able to transform itself into several different kinds of money-carrying objects on command.

  7. Yuk, he’d fit right into the Moscow club scene where fur sure there would be some clonidine waiting for him, looks like he sells babies for a living. I hope the chick took some pics with that expensive douche phone.heheh

  8. [re=97046]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, please, let at least one of those $50.00 rings be a pinky ring.

    [re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: What the fuck kind of cell phone costs $1500? Also, he had a couple of rings worth $50.

    I’m putting two and two together here; since he had a $1500 phone, it was the ring tones the guy spent $50 apiece on. You know, brief recordings of brown Arabic dudes screaming in pain at Guantanamo; the crunch of kittens being crushed under the foot of Dick Cheney; the tinkling sound of Ann Coulter giving Larry Craig a golden shower…

    You can download these and others for a $50 donation at the RNC website, y’know.

  9. Hey Looosa, Karma for YOU.

    Also, um, do people really hire you to defend them? I mean, you are smug AND unattractive, which seems kind of like a bad PR combo.

  10. My god, with a week to polish his lines a little, he could be the next Palin… Ironic that he looks just like a lot of Iranian guys — but he needs 6 gold chains and a gallon of cheap aftershave to complete the effect.

  11. [re=97063]contentsunderpressure[/re]:

    I know! could it be that Schwartz’s $120,000 outfit was what he took in lieu of legal fees for Emperor Moth?

    How deep does the well of douchewater go? Fraud charge coming for misrepresenting the value of the theft?

  12. Hallelujah! There IS justice in this world!

    Want’s to ‘nuke’ Iran?? He looks so Iranian!!

    Thought that was a sarcastic joke of some sick sort.

    I’ll bet he’s really a Middle-Eastern spy.

  13. [re=97022]InsidiousTuna[/re]: “he had a couple of rings worth $50. Ha ha.”

    They were plastic rings on his penis. Would have only cost $3, but he had them inscribed: “Coming in 2009, McCain/Palin”. As you can tell from reviewing his wardrobe, this is a guy who pays up for value-added artwork.

  14. [re=97072]BillyT[/re]: Dear Mr. Schwartz,

    I believe that I have recovered your expensive urban rapper phone. I’m curious, however, why it would contain so many pictures of your toothbrush up into some hooker’s ass…

  15. [re=97052]hockeymom[/re]: Where is Cherry Creek North in relation to Crestmore Park? I lived in that area as a child. It was not a douche-swamp in the long-ago before time.

  16. Sure, she took it; but who says she kept it? Knowing Minnesotans as I do, she probably just grabbed the stuff with some tongs, put it in a plastic bag, and hurled it into the Mississippi.

    Hell, he’s lucky she didn’t dial up her Big Swedish Boyfriend and have him come over just to toss our Douchy friend right into the river himself. We are a calm people at heart; but you overbling among us at your own peril. When we snap, we snap HARD.

  17. Is anybody else terribly, terribly saddened that the itemized jewels don’t come anywhere close to $120 thousand? Just what is the St. Paul Pioneer Press trying to pull???

  18. Is he an androgynous version of the 50s singer Frankie Laine or Kālī, the destroyer? Or a Bill Kristol pool boy?

    Gabriel Schwartz
    Undercover? Pfftttt.
    As we have learned, one should not to assume.
    Perhaps, he’s just another NeoCon asshole Or maybe, just maybe, he exists in another sense. ………. As a double secret NeoCon asshole.

  19. [re=97079]worstprezever[/re]: I love how in the Pioneer Press article and in the video he has so much enthusiasm for war and the military, but has never actually served according to his resume. Perhaps he should join up with JAG, which would be better than the bottom feeding he is doing right now. It is a four member firm that does almost every type of law imaginable and I suspect that they don’t do any of them particularly well.

  20. [re=97082]grendel[/re]: You know Republicans can’t live without their enemies. That’s the main difference between them and Democrats now. He’s just doing opposition research, and getting rich for it.

  21. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Hooooo hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Ho ho ho ho ho!!!!!! Ha! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!! Wheeeeeeeew! Haaaaaaaaah. Lordy. Payback’s a bitch. Bitch.

  22. Oh man! Can you imagine? you pay a girl all that money to take her clothes off in front of you and then get all excited and faint! OMG how embarrassing!

  23. He who carries an elitist man-purse gets what he deserves. Perhaps it was really just his elitist man-toilet-kit with his expensive elitist-man-moisturizer — his skin looks so soft and shiny!

  24. [re=97088]springfield_meltdown[/re]:

    These chicken hawks NEVER EVER serve in the military! Be it Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, heck Dubya was AWOL too.

    Btw, word has it Track Palin was en route to prison if didn’t join the Army STAT, Oxycontin user.

  25. Sir GB-B Von Suck: Firstly. sir, you must shorten your name. I cannot hit the “Reply” button to your signature as it remains hidden behind your..ahhh…rather large appurtenance.

    As you described how real Minnesotans deal with pumped up, pimped out legal weasels from the Rockies, I had a startingly clear vision: I saw Frances McDormand in the heroines role, “uh-huhing” her way into our hearts by riding this Steve Buscemi look-alike into the ground. It all ends happily, and bloodily, in a wood chipper.

    The fact that my maternal grandfather was from Minnesota, makes me proud to be 1 or 2 degrees removed from that heroic hooker.

  26. The strange math that gave a total of $120K for his losses only includes about $500 cash and $2000 in miscellaneous Maxim-endorsed “cool guy” junk. I assume the balance was a pocketful of IOU’s from his 2 clients that he used to get comp meals at the early-bird special buffets.

  27. what’s he complaining about. he’s still healthy and can steal another pile of crap from the public. he should be thanking jesus or the icon of his choice.

  28. I’m sorry, but after seeing that interview the only thing that would have made me happy would be to learn that the girl snuffed out his smug, mono-syllabic, festering, miserable excuse for a life and claimed his little man as trophy.

  29. The most fitting punishment after seeing this interview is he woke up robbed, naked and found himself surrounded by a bunch of gay Iranian Revolutionary Guards. So in this case, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

    After about 30 secs of the interview, I really wanted to punch that motherfucker but after reading about what happened to Nucular Boy. I felt so much better.

  30. I missed this posting last night and this morning I was kind of shaky/panicking about the whole oncoming of the Second Great Depression thing. Now, ahhh. I rise to my day assured once more that the universe will right itself and karma is delicious.

  31. “Less taxes, more war”
    Leave it to this idiot savant to sum up the Republican’s vision for the future in just four words. Too bad neither of those things are sustainable.

  32. I suppose Wonkette just “happens” to have all this inside info through “research”

    Ok, who was it? Juli? Sara? Or was it you, Ken Layne, you naughty she-man!

  33. Insurance fraud for sure. Who’s dumb enough to travel with $120,000 in personal items? I half wonder if any of it actually happened. Who’d invite a stranger up to his hotel and allow that person to make him a drink?

  34. [re=97124]surfacenoise76[/re]: “Who’d invite a stranger up to his hotel and allow that person to make him a drink?”

    Answer: Gabriel Schwartz, Attorney at Law

  35. [re=97122]dano[/re]: right on. on a trip to some french capitol, i was asked several times for the time. i whipped out my paint stained casio which keeps perfect time and told them. i was never bothered.

  36. If I were his insurance company, I would want to check the receipts of all the stuff he’s claiming. $120k outfit, yeah right. Why does he think he’s worth 1/3 of Cindy’s outfit?

    I think there are several more bullet points we can add to his lame resume now:
    -Member, defunct political party
    -Member, date raped society
    …anything else?

  37. [re=97072]BillyT[/re]: Wow. Here’s a quick lesson for anyone looking for a lawyer: When the firm’s “areas or practice” greatly outnumber the number of lawyers in the firm, run.

    The firm’s PRACTICE AREAS are diverse and distinguished. Our practice areas include, but are not limited to:

    Matrimonial Law
    Personal Injury
    Construction Defect
    Business Law
    Criminal Defense
    White Collar Crime Defense
    Civil Litigation
    Civil Rights
    Tax Law
    Real Estate
    Estate Planning
    Immigration Law
    International Transactions
    LLC, Partnerships,
    Limited Partnerships,
    and Limited Liability Partnerships
    Administrative Law
    Automobile Accidents
    Worker’s Compensation
    Liquor Licensing
    Gaming Law
    Election Law

    They can soon add “Getting Scammed by Hookers” and “Insurance Fraud”.

  38. Oh wow, he’s got his resume up there too.

    Some highlights:
    • Manage two office locations

    All these probably involve the same client, in chronological order:
    • Assist foreign corporations and entities obtain proper authority to conduct business in the Unites States of America
    • Advise and represent clients with living wills, last wills and testaments, trusts, probate matters, powers of attorney and estate planning both domestic and off shore—Isle of Man, Grand Cayman, etc.
    • Represent clients with white collar criminal matters such as securities fraud
    • Represent clients with felonies, misdemeanors and traffic violations including DUI offenses
    • Negotiate plea bargains and dismissals of criminal matters
    • Assist clients with bankruptcy, chapters three, seven and eleven

    Some more fluff:
    • Who’s Who Among American Law Students
    • Model United Nations Debate/Model Arab League/International Forum Club (BOMB IRAN!)
    • Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State
    • Regular guest on Emmy Award winning political discussion television program “Colorado State of Mind”

  39. Too bad the interviewer didn’t immediately ask the guy what makes McCain and Palin great. Then we could have ads that have this guy saying: “Less taxes. More war. McCain-Palin, woohoo!”

  40. “Strategical??” “Nu-cue-lar??”

    Has this half-wit twatwaffle signed on for the military, by any chance? Is that why he’s so anxious for war?

    Clearly this is a democrat librul plant. Goddam leftist peace-niks.

    Oh, wait — he had official delegate credentials? Oops.

  41. [re=97132]TJBeck: • Who’s Who Among American Law Students[/re]

    Don’t mock!! It probally cost him a grand to get listed!! But that includes a handsome leatherette-bound copy suitable for sitting on his credenza with *his* page bookmarked.

  42. [re=97132]TJBeck[/re]:
    I couldn’t help but notice that his email address is at the top of his resume. You think he would be interested in some safe sex literature?

  43. SO is LinkTV a republican enterprise or what? Because it seems that even the interviewer can’t believe the crap coming out of this guy’s mouth.

    His one line answers sure make for a compelling interview.

  44. Well, at least we know she didn’t steal his virginity! Based on his attitude and like speech, he will keep he sacred cherry for a long time to come……

    He will just have to get his jollies from legally screwing over some poor shmuck in Colorado in court

  45. And don’t forget, he:

    • Owned and operated international businesses with offices in the U.S. and Russian Federation

    and is

    • Moderately fluent in Spanish and Russian.

    I’d have to add English to that list. I wonder which of these languages he used to proposition his new girlfriend.

  46. [re=97148]surfacenoise76[/re]: I also imagine he’s still ‘technically’ a virgin. (By ‘technically’, I mean farm animals, glory holes (in anything–fence, tree, sex shop), and anything made of latex do NOT count.)

  47. [re=97132]TJBeck[/re]: • Regular guest on Emmy Award winning political discussion television program “Colorado State of Mind”

    Colorado State of Mind? Would that be naked and passed out while getting robbed?

  48. [re=97132]TJBeck[/re]: In short, he’s a lawyer for tax dodgers, drug kingpins, and shell companies for terrorists and foreign governments. No wonder he’s a Republican.

  49. [re=97151]Undeterredbyreality[/re]: Russian mob.

    God bless you tranny whore for dispatching a little justice in the world (assuming this isn’t just insurance fraud on his iPimp).

  50. [re=97148]surfacenoise76[/re]: I’m more perplexed that she decided to have Greasy McFlopsweat up there strip down before she slipped him the mickey. I mean, it’s easier than taking his clothes off after he’s unconscious, but that Andrew Dice Clay track suit’s only gotta be worth ten bucks at Goodwill.

  51. First of all, I love the voiceover at the end of the ad that says, “Thanks for watching to this LinkTV special, ‘What Change Looks Like.'” Apparently change, in this case, looks like a putz.

    Also, dude, the cops are never going to catch this perp unless you ‘fess up that this “lady” thief is 6’2″ with a 5 o’clock shadow, and is hung like a horse.

  52. Let’s hope she also took some compromising pictures of him too. I’m hoping she invited protesters in to tea-bag him and posts them on the internets. Likely he’s just scamming his insurance company. I mean what kind of rockabilly-widestance-cowboy has that much in jewelry on his person? If he were in fact robbed she didn’t go far enough. If they would have found him dead in two wetsuits…

  53. This is why Wonkette is my favorite news source. With all the depressing news about the economy and the campaigns, I desperately needed this story. It restores my faith in karma and hookers.

  54. [re=97201]captian pants[/re]: So he’s an ambulance chaser, to boot?! Yay! Now I don’t have any guilt whatsoever about making fun of him!!! I guess he knows a lot about committing insurance fraud then, so that should help recover the millions and millions of dollars that were stolen from him.

  55. [re=97041]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Exactly!
    Isn’t this how trickle down economics is supposed to work?

    I wonder if she planted a flag somewhere. I also have a warm fuzzy about some deserving citizen buying his idiotic starspangled jacket from Goodwill for 3 bucks.

    Gee, too bad there’s so many taxes, so he doesn’t have more money to spend on jewelry and faux-whores. If he’s having trouble affording more dress-up clothes he could just wear a t-shirt saying “Notice: I am a self-important ostentatious fuckhead.”

  56. The only thing that would delight me more about this story is learning that, shortly after this crime, the Obama campaign received a $120K contribution from an anonymous Minneapolitan. Well, that and this guy waking up with a baseball bat up his bum.

  57. [re=97230]sezme[/re]: Nah. I’m betting one of the $50 rings was his wedding ring. Don’t want to lose that fisting a hooker.

    Strategical. This man is going to be a Republican candidate for president some day.

  58. as a resident new orleanian, i would just like to say that i have seen/heard/experienced way, WAY weirder things in the city around m.gras. batman raping a douche and paying a stripper in coke? um. not really that strange.

  59. pbly no one else cares but “Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State” was LOLZ. This is the law school equivalent of the GED and is required before you sit for the bar. You could put this on your resume right next to “Passed Freshman English” and “Graduated from Pampers to Pull-ups”. What a douche.

  60. Wonder how long before the firm is just Schwartz, Attorney at Law? Unless of course his partners have the same penchant for thermonuclear holocaust and freaky sex with strange women/she-males/men.

    I’m sure that the Colorado Bar association and the state Supreme Court is just ecstatic as all heel to have someone with his views listed as a ‘member in good standing’!! I guess every village needs an idiot….

  61. Isn’t the GOP the part of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY? It’s HIS fault for taking that skank back to his hotel room. Why didn’t he replace everything the next day on his Amex gold card?

  62. after reading all of this i had to torture myself and watch the video. as far as i can tell the guy got off easy. all he got was his crappy stuff taken. at least he did not actually try to have sex with her and have to hear the words “is it in yet?”

  63. Why isn’t this fuck in Iraq fighting for “his” freedoms? Why is it they love war but want other people’s kids to fight them?

    This fucktard she be sprayed with shit!!

  64. HAHAHAHAHAHA! He is the king of all douchebags!

    Also, from his resume:
    “Multi-state Professional Responsibility Examination (ethics exam), qualified in every U.S. State”

    Um, EVERY LAWYER PASSES THE MPRE – you have to to get a license. Duh.

    Do you think he knows that the world thinks he’s a tool, yet?

  65. Who sez it was a girl (or a guy) that this douche brought back to his room. We all know that those Repubs loves thems a lipstick wearing pig. Johnny Carson always told Ed McMahon that pigs were smarted than horses.

  66. Colorado’s answer to Lionel Hutz is, as some correspondent noted, a guest on a public-affairs program out of Denver. I’m sure someone bored and looking for more douchebaggery could find pod-casts of this self-satisfied and apparently none-too-discerning warmonger fulminating on TV.

  67. Two questions:

    1. What’s the first thing they should teach in law school?
    “Never date a girl that has a bigger dick than you do.”

    2. What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personality

    Not that she / he was a bigger dick than this lawyer.
    Well O.K., maybe.

  68. Uh, “drunken loser” is SEXIST, children.

    Aside from that, perfect story.

    Just proves the “whore with a heart of gold” (or some good basic instincts) thing is NOT a complete

    Obama might want to find this female and get some raw advice on how to “roll” a Republican.

    He’s not rolling John McCain.

    He doesn’t even understand why.

  69. In the made for TV movie of this story, the victim falls so madly in love with the perpetrator next time he sees her (her tresses fall so beautifully over her orange jumpsuit, and her pout could melt steel) that he decides to represent her pro boner, er, bono.

  70. Oh I am so fucking proud of my home town whores!

    Hahaha. The Minneapolis Star Tribune says that someone (cops?) said that prostitution wasn’t involved. hahahaha!

  71. Oh, mah Gawd, y’all!

    I read the comments today at work, but I had to wait till I got home to watch the video.

    I believe the phrase “karmic justice” is operative here.

  72. Oh my gosh! This is even worse than the Archbishop Flynn caper! (“Sob” We lost a priceless jewel encrusted crucifix…. oh, oh, wait a minute! Oh, I forgot I kept it in a shoe box up in my closet. Never mind!)

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