Check out this dude! He went to the Republican convention in St. Paul, as a delegate from Colorado! He is a 29-year-old attorney. He was real proud of himself, talking to the AP and giving this repulsive little interview to LinkTV. Ha ha ha ha ha, what happened to him is fantastic. It’s better than the infamous urban legend about the guy in the Batman suit raping some drunken loser at Mardi Gras — because this tale is true.
Oh this is so beautiful. So dumb, so smug. He can’t pronounce “nuclear,” of course, so he’s going to pretend to drop “nukular” horror upon Iran because, hey, why not? “Less taxes and more war.” Yes indeed! What’s he wearing, anyway? Some kind of rockabilly getup from 1983? Good lord, money sure can’t buy class.
Anyway: A wonderful lady picked him up at a bar, and she went to his hotel room, and she slipped him a mickey. When he woke up, his entire ridiculous jewel-encrusted ultra-tacky wardrobe was stolen — “$120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings,” according to the Pioneer Press. Ha, it costs $120,000 to look like that? Who knew!
It was the night of Sarah Palin’s big dumb speech at the RNC. This guy, Gabriel Schwartz — “a single attorney and a fixture in Colorado Republican politics,” according to the Pioneer Press — was staying in Minneapolis at the fancy Hotel Ivy. He reportedly took this girl back to his $319-per-night room and she told him to get undressed while she made the drinks. This is a wonderful scene from some James M. Cain book, but rather than wearing a salesman’s suit, the mark is dressed like some castout from the Village People or the Stray Cats or god knows what.
“Victim reported suspect made victim drinks, told him to get undressed, which is the last thing he remembers,” a police narrative said. “Upon waking, victim discovered money, jewelry gone; total loss over $120K.”
A police report notes the crime occurred between 4:22 and 5:46 a.m., and Palmer said investigators believe Schwartz had been drugged, although he declined to discuss details.
Aside from the watch, ring, necklace, earrings and belt, Schwartz also reported a $1,000 purse or wallet, a $1,500 cell phone, $500 in cash and a couple of rings worth $50 had been taken.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We salute you, wonderful girl thief of Minneapolis. You are America’s Real Hero. Everything about you is a delicious testament to the American Dream … the American Dream of duping a vulgarian lawyer.
Many thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer-Press for reporting this perfect news article, to make America laugh again.
Republican by day, Romeo by night, robbed by morning [Pioneer Press]
Gabriel Schwartz: ‘Less Taxes, More War’ [LinkTV]