Wonkette
If you own a house, it’s now worth negative nothing. If you’re a renter, your landlord is probably already in foreclosure and you will soon be homeless. Got some investments, maybe a 401k or whatever? You really don’t even want to look. Got one of those fancy jobs with benefits and health care and such? You will soon be unemployed, living in a Hobo Jungle down by the railroad tracks in the darkness on the edge of town. Happy Monday, everybody! But how can you blame this on McCain and his boyfriend George W. Bush?
Lehman Brothers is gone and Merrill Lynch is just the latest loser to be consumed by Bank of America, which will soon be the only bank in America, until it also collapses and citizens are forced to eat their dogs.
The S&P 500 is down more than 20% since October, one of every ten homeowners is either in foreclosure or months behind in payments, and another 100,000 financial industry jobs will be gone by the end of this grim quarter. It’s un-American to blame any of this on greedy, dumb Americans — whether the part-time service worker with $25,000 of credit card debt or the mortgage-securities geniuses who destroyed hallowed Wall Street firms by betting, retardedly, that real estate prices would just keep climbing, forever, and that people would keep making the house payments, despite having less income.
So let’s blame it on these assholes:
- John McCain: Ha ha, google “bank collapse McCain” and you will find some fun results that old Walnuts had hoped were forgotten forever, because who remembers boring things like the Savings and Loan apocalypse or the Keating Five? Also, one of his sons just fled the board of a failed bank in Nevada!
- Phil Gramm: Hateful old banking industry Texan crook was/is John McCain’s Economy Czar. He’s the one who called America a “nation of whiners” for being sad because of the New Depression. He also sponsored the deregulation that created the financial collapse. Gramm is also a vice-chairman at UBS, which is about to collapse, too.
- George W. Bush told you to go shopping after 9/11, and you were stupid enough to do it. You are now a gazillion dollars in debt for a bunch of already-obsolete consumer electronics and clothes that no longer fit, because you are fat, because poor people are fat because they can only afford bags of 49-cent greaseburgers, for their food.
I wonder if they have WiFi down to the hobo jungle?
No, Ken. The fundamentals of our economy are strong. Because fundamentals equals people, Ken. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, KEN??//??
Plus, the guy is coming after your Social Security check. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
It will be a dog eat dog world.
But — but — but — Sean Hannity said we were better off than we’ve been in the last 40 years! He said this is all the Democrat Congress’ fault! How can I know what to believe if I can’t trust Sean Hannity?
Haha, suckers! I knew this was all going to go down so I went down to the animal shelter months ago and adopted the meatiest ones.
The coming apocalypse will be MY time, when the rest of you stooges will have to stand in line for hours to beg for a taste of my pitbull stew!
I, for one, welcome our new barrel-clad overlords.
Serolf Divad: why are these internet homemade ads better than what Obama’s putting out? DIrect, smart, and likely to scare the bejeesus out of old people (likely McCain voters).
EnBuenOra: No, Sean Hannity said HE’S better off than he’s been in his 40+ years of life… That’s all the Repugs care about, how much money THEY have…
rambone: can i get mine with lipstick?
donner_froh: And I’m wearing MilkBone underwear.
Can’t we use all that money Sarah Palin saved us on the Bridge To Nowhere to help out these struggling banks that Nancy Pelosi is killing?
I never should have sold my peg and awl on ebay.
SuperRounder: Seriously, how more anti-American can Ken get? I mean, man, what an unpatroit.
rambone: With or without lipstick?
I’m calling my broker: “Short everything, Harry… yes, you heard me correctly… short every Godamned thing that can be shorted. Short IBM. Short Microsoft. Short Well’s Fargo. Short the makers of long-johns. Short the makers of shorts. Short Big Tobacco. Short Little Caesars. The only place I want you putting money is alcohol, guns and oil.”
EnBuenOra: Makes me want to watch Hannity to see him correct himself … Ha! Just kidding, he’d never correct himself and I’d never watch him.
EnBuenOra: No, silly, that all went for her meth budget as governor. At least meth keeps the hunger at bay.
And this is just the start of the good news. A.I.G. wants $40 billion from the Fed. WaMu will probably want the same–both will say that if they collapse it will cause huge financial meltdowns everywhere, which it will. The car companies are looking for $25 billion. And tha is just as of now.
Pretty soon the the People’s Bank of China will decided that one trillion dollars in U.S. Treasury paper is all they need, thank you, and stop buying.
And then it really blows up. The President of the United States of Amerikkka will be a viceroy serving at the whim of the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party and we won’t have to ask Who is Hu Jintao? since his name and likeness will be everywere.
Thank you George Bush and Mr. Andrea Mitchell.
Buddy, can you spare a tube of lipstick?
CrunchyKnee: If there isn’t a Starbucks in the hobo jungle, I’m not goin’.
Am i going crazy, or are my comments not posting?
Did I get banned for posting imaginary Alaskan pornography?
As long as you don’t mind cannibalism, Meghan McCain could sustain a family of five for at least a year. Although you might have to fight Dr. Lecter for her.
Haha, even FOX FUCKING NEWS calls bullshit on Lying Johnny MacLiar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OviYjJWIYbY
Oh whatever will Tucker Bounds do with that bonus asshole he is currently sporting?
Douchecake.
John McCain’s What A Wonderful World
I hear panicked screams…….. crying too
I see Fannie bailed out….. with tax bucks from you
And I think to myself…. what a wonderful world.
I see lines of poor…..it’s only a blip
Bright Bullish days….stark cold nights
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world.
The burst of a truck bomb…..so bright ..in the sky
Anger on the faces…..of people ..going by
Old Phil Gramm’s talking…..sayin.. Stop your whining!
He’s really sayin……Poors, fuck you.
I see banks fall…… I don’t mind
Cindy’s got more dough…..than Ill never make
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world
(instrumental break)
The burst of a truck bomb…..so bright ..in the sky
Anger on the faces…..of people ..going by
Old Phil Gramm’s talking…..sayin.. Stop your whining!
He’s really sayin……YO Poors! Fuck you.
I see banks fall…… I don’t mind
Cindy’s got more dough…..than Ill never make
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself …….what a wonderful world.
Waiter - I’d like to order the Alaskan pitbull please. Hold the lipstick, medium-well.
Smithers, release the Lincoln Savings & Loan ads, post haste!
donner_froh: Awesome! I wonder if I can buy my mortgage back from WaMu for a couple of cartons of cigarettes and a recipe for hobo stew?
Carrie_Okie: What, did someone clone him?
How many people will an obese republican feed?
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going work out, take steroids, buy a leather thong and hockey mask and fire up the dune buggy.
ummm…downers! Back to flippant comments that hide our pain, please!
tonashideska:
Not a lot.
Too much boy cum and toxic chemical from all the Ding Dongs they eat.
…don’t blink people you haven’t seen shit yet! In about a month or two when the cash from the rebate checks has completely been flushed out of the economy that is when you will see exactly how screwed we really are. When the credit card industry begins to look shaky the gates of hell are going to be thrown wide open, quote me on that!!!
ManchuCandidate: I bet you can render them for lamp oil and boifuel, though.
Mmmmmmmm. Dog…
I’m going to go to the gym right away and lift weights and hone some mad Ultimate Fighting skills so I can be this generation’s Jim “Cinderella Man” Braddock. And if my pro career doesn’t take off, at least I’ll be good at pummeling my fellow street people and stealing their cheese.
This is what happens when the REPUBLICAN “world view” of no regulation is given the light of day. When they took power they thought they FINALLY had the chance to show the world how an unfettered “free” market would kick some socialist ass. Well…not so much.
What they have ALWAYS forgotten…or dismissed…is that the markets are virtual entities made up largely of humans…who will sell their mothers for a bigger TV and a fast car. So, when one “frees up” the market by taking away every regulation that was put their because some selfish ass before them cheated the system and brought it to near-collapse the patients run the asylum and run off with all of the cash…which they conveniently moved off-shore. Sky diving into Bolivia with that Golden Parachute anyone?
Credit reform, derivitive market non-regulation, capital gains tax cuts for speculators, etc, etc, etc. These are ALL Republican market reforms that have been part of their platform since Nixon and are spawned from Uncle Milton and the Chicago School of Economics. All this shit looked great on paper and even won some people Nobel prizes…but, as usual, it works only inside a test case where information is perfect and people aren’t tribal-driven, greedy, selfish asshats. Oops.
Of course, the problem is that Rove baby successfully melded Religion with Greed and now we have a whole host of ignorati who were poor before and are still poor and will now remain poor but who don’t want you to have an abortion and think evolution is a anti-christian conspiracy. So, they voted for people who are robbing the country blind and destroying the very stability of the capitalist markets that allow them to watch NASCAR because, well, they are Christian folk and they ain’t black or brown.
And, as this current crisis causes the house of cards to come crashing down around them, they will vote for Sarah because…they like her.
We’re fucked.
Carrie_Okie: Thank you for posting that link to Tucker Bounds being filleted yet again–he looks and sounds like he is at the end of his rope and about to collapse into a little ball of shit.
Unfortunately the next youtube video was of William Kristol, a person so reptilian he should be made into a handbag, smiling slightly as he said that Bush will bomb Iran if Obama wins.
Having reached my Fox News viewing maximum for the year…
It will shock no one, but of course McCain supported the deregulation : http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=106&session=1&vote=00105
Gopherit v2.0: uh, biofuel. though all the boy cum might make good republican boifuel, too.
Cape Clod:
We don’t need another hero, man.
donner_froh: …get your industrial strength made in China lubricant out, because we are all about to get screwed!
Cape Clod: And you can go raid other camps while Mel Gibson blames it all on the Jews.
HAHAHA LOSERS! While you’re meagerly trying to scrape together a few doggies, I’ve gone and cornered the new furnishings market! Jaded-Cognitive-Dissonance Orange/Milk Crates will spit on IKEA’s Grave!!
Gopherit v2.0:
Thar he blows, the great Repub whale, Cheney Dick.
AfghanVet:
Shit like that makes me seriously want to hurt dumb people.
Hunter Gathers: How about John McCain’s arms and shoulders? I bet those are like veal. Just stay away from his cheeks, they are probably more poisonous than blow-fish liver.
AngryBlakGuy: The credit card biz is already hurting and will follow the banks and insurance companies into the endless burning pits of hell. Where they belong. The death agony of Wall Street be fun to watch but the credit limit on the cards in your wallet being cut to the high two figures will bite a bit.
Advocatus_Diaboli: I tried that look but it just wasn’t working for me, so I settled on the classic “tin can for a hat” style.
Meant to include this url http://www.cnbc.com/id/26141595
So I could think of these next two weeks that I have to live without electricity as some kind of advanced training for when it really hits the fan? Cool. Thanks absurd hurricane wind.
@ ManchuCandidate: that’s quite a catchy tune but ‘instrumental break’ is pretty vague … i’m hearing harps and accordians, ala Spade Cooley’s Western Swing band …
AfghanVet: …the most despicable thing about it is they saw the storm coming! Which is why they changed the bankruptcy law, to make it damn well impossible to dispatch debt. These people are the scum of the earth and should be publicly flogged. They new they were giving out risky/bad loans but instead of changing their practices they simply changed the law. They have successfully saddled an entire generation(possibly two) with so much personal debt that they will paying it off until they retire in some cases. This is nothing more than new age slavery!
JadedDIssonance: I have a well guarded secret warehouse (guarded by pit bulls and dobermans, who also will make a nice stew) full of allen wrenches so the Ikea deprived masses will be my puppets.
Is it wrong to cheer the collapse of Washington Mutual simply because they call themselves “WaMu”? The first time I heard that reference in a commercial, I immediately looked around for some testicles to kick.
Who cares? It’s only fiat money.
How long will our new Depression last? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!
“To Serve Man”
http://www.amazon.com/Serve-Man-Cookbook-People/dp/1880448823/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221507849&sr=8-1
AngryBlakGuy: It’s worse than that. They THOUGHT people could continue to take value out of their houses to payoff the credit card debt and they would make money on BOTH ends.
They are going out of business because the reality is that some of these debts are never going to be paid off.
donner_froh: …my inner anarchist is smiling at the collapse of these corrupt institution. However I wont be satisfied until the indictments for collusion, embezzlement and misappropriation of funds are handed out to the heads of these companies. And if that happens I have a feeling a lot executives will be going the way of Ken Lay.
donner_froh: Whilst you piddle with your obsolete tools, I have already acquired the entire Cinderblock/2×4 market as well and I have hired emaciated PUMAs to guard the doors (since nobody could stomach them anyway and now the zombies won’t come looking for brains).
AfghanVet: The collapse has gone way past the subprime mortgages, as we all know. Any mortgage that gets reset in the next five years is ripe for default. Tip of the iceberg and all that.
If you are JP Morgan you just take a charge against earnings which are non-existent anyway but if you are a homeowner/debtor/cardholder the hounds of hell will pursue you the the grave.
But the hounds of hell might make some tasty salty snacks to serve at the hobo jungle potluck so it isn’t all bad.
ManchuCandidate: Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rolla, baby. Just keep your eyes peeled for boomerangs.
AfghanVet: …a huge issue is also the fact that these loans have been broken up, repackaged and sold so many times lenders literally have no paperwork proving who took out the loan or for how much. Bankruptcy judges are already telling lenders if they cant produce original copies of the agreements then they are shit out of luck for whatever they are owed.
donner_froh: One problem for these people…IF it gets bad enough…and I don’t think it will, but you never know…some of that credit card debt comes from purchases from Bubba’s Gun Emporium…and with the removal of the Assault Rifle restrictions…I wouldn’t be to keen on being the repo guy.
Firstly, spencer: Absolutely brilliant reference. Secondly, your peg and awl wouldn’t do you any good, since nobody’s going to be able to afford frippery like shoes anyhow.
AngryBlakGuy: Ken Lay indeed
nobody can convince me that ken lay could not bribe a Colorado coroner to look the other way while he jumped his jet to Dubai, just waiting for the Carlyle family picnic on inauguration day
Yes, but wasn’t it fun watching Lehmen Bros. employees walking out of the office today with their whole lives contained in one cardboard box?
You know, sometimes I think the following:
1. Maybe what our credit-addicted, soulless society of the stupid and obese needs is a little Great Depression Part II to teach people to conserve, be thrifty, invest in community, and consume less.
2. If Barry were to lose (crosses self) maybe it would be better for the long-term hopes of the Democratic Party. Maybe the mouth-breathers of this country really have to suffer in order to finally see the big picture. If WALNUTS! wins this thing, and the country is reduced to rubble, people will finally get it. Or they’ll all be dead. (I say they, because clearly I’d GTFO while the gettin’ was good)
Just a thought.
Time to up the ante on the old IRA!
NoWireHangers: Your second point is, unfortunately, completely correct. Whoever becomes president in January of 2009 will inherit two wars that are sucking lives and treasure form this country, killing untold thousands of Iraqi and Afghan civilians and making us hated everywhere in the world.
Plus the economy by then will be a smoking ruin with no way to fix anything and total financial collapse in the very near future.
Will be an impossible four years–the problem is that there is no way McCain could survive long–if the thought FIVE AND A HALF YEARS getting knocked around by tough Vietnamese prison guards whose families he dropped bombs on was tough he hasn’t seen anything.
Which means Sarah Palin, which means the end.
I just want to know how long until this teetering hulk-of-a-Titantic called the credit markets can last, so that I can quit defferring my student loans and charge off completely to China…USA ?
AfghanVet: bravo……bravo……
AngryBlakGuy: double bravo again
NoWireHangers: yea, but then I would have to let my right wing working class family members live in my guest house, and that would be hell for them. I would have an Obama poster in every room for them reflect upon.
AngryBlakGuy: AfghanVet: You make me puke, pinkos. Libtard, FDR-socialist, Nanny State, subversive thinking. Proof? Thousands of the following book, tied up in Xmas wrapping and awaiting distribution via the USPS, were found in a Taliban cave:
The Conservative Nanny State: How the Wealthy Use Government to Stay Rich and Get Richer. http://www.conservativenannystate.org/cnswebbook.pdf
http://votetodayohio.blogspot.com/
Jihadist terrorist fanatics are planning to assist 30 million felons and bums in Ohio to register AND vote. Please help stop this tide of radical Constitutionalist craziness!!
When I started my clone farm it was to insure near immortality. Little did I know it would come not from their precious stem cells, but instead their supple, unexercised flesh in the comming cannibal holocaust.
coming:(
spencer: I love that song.