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By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves.

Hey, did you know that even though Americans have yet to elect a president, we actually have a president, already, which sort of makes you wonder why we’re going through all this trouble? Our president’s name is George W. Bush. He’s married to the Statue of Liberty! It might seem weird to you, for a man to be married to a 65-foot-tall metal statue, but that’s because you’re a bigot. But anyway, it turns out that George W. Bush has been cheating on the Statue of Liberty with other enormous pieces of patriot-sculpture, and has spawned all sorts of bastard hell-babies as a result. Tough luck, Lady Liberty!

Also, there have been many hurricanes! This is either because of global warming or God’s rather imprecise attempts to drown the gays, depending on who you ask. Either way, we can rely on our valiant federal government to protect us! They’ve learned the lessons of past good-but-not-great disaster relief efforts and have now started using the corpses of the victims of the last storm to protect the survivors from upcoming hurricanes. It’s ever so much more efficient!

Hey, did you hear about Kwame Kilpatrick, the Mayor of Detroit? He had to quit or go to jail or something because of sexy text messages! This proves that anyone who has ever been in an executive position can’t be trusted with the presidency, because they are a pervert. (The very phrase “executive position” describes a sex act so unspeakable even we can’t explain it here.) Anyway, as you can see from this artist’s depiction, Detroit is dominated by high-minded neoclassical architecture, a fitting symbol of its position as the American Athens, with a vibrant, dignified democratic culture.

And how about that Congress! Ever since the Democrats took over after the midterm elections, our nation’s legislators have been working feverishly to remake the country to match their radical left-wing ideals, and naturally that entails advancing the gay agenda. Agenda item number one: ass-fucking every man in America! Unfortunately, there are simply too many male asses to for the Democrats’ crack team of sodomizers to fuck the “old-fashioned way,” which has led to the deployment of mechanical buttsex devices onto the backsides of recalcitrant heterosexual males everywhere.

And hey, you know who else isn’t electing a president, or at least not a president we care about? The foreigns! Here’s a prime example of the sort of fascinating thing that goes on overseas. Israeli Prime Minister Olmert is presenting Condi Rice with … uh … a box with some kind of tiny sweater-clad doo-wop group? And he’s a cage? With a dove in his guts? And he’s wearing zionist pants? Seriously, we have no clue what the fuck this is supposed to be about. But Condi’s pants are cool. Ha ha! Stripey pants! (Are the little men disco dancing? Are they ice skating?)

Now here, at least, is a cartoon we can all understand, a day after September 11th. Do you recall that tragic day, when Muslim terrorists flew their rocket-powered outhouses into some sort of featureless concrete wall, which is why you can’t borrow against your home equity any more to pay for your gas? NEVER FORGET.

Hey, did you know that even though Americans have yet to elect a president, we actually have a president, already, which sort of makes you wonder why we’re going through all this trouble? Our president’s name is George W. Bush. It’s fully possible that, sometime during the last six to eight weeks, he was eaten by bears.

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