cartoon violence

Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?

By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves.

Hey, did you know that even though Americans have yet to elect a president, we actually have a president, already, which sort of makes you wonder why we’re going through all this trouble? Our president’s name is George W. Bush. He’s married to the Statue of Liberty! It might seem weird to you, for a man to be married to a 65-foot-tall metal statue, but that’s because you’re a bigot. But anyway, it turns out that George W. Bush has been cheating on the Statue of Liberty with other enormous pieces of patriot-sculpture, and has spawned all sorts of bastard hell-babies as a result. Tough luck, Lady Liberty!

Also, there have been many hurricanes! This is either because of global warming or God’s rather imprecise attempts to drown the gays, depending on who you ask. Either way, we can rely on our valiant federal government to protect us! They’ve learned the lessons of past good-but-not-great disaster relief efforts and have now started using the corpses of the victims of the last storm to protect the survivors from upcoming hurricanes. It’s ever so much more efficient!

Hey, did you hear about Kwame Kilpatrick, the Mayor of Detroit? He had to quit or go to jail or something because of sexy text messages! This proves that anyone who has ever been in an executive position can’t be trusted with the presidency, because they are a pervert. (The very phrase “executive position” describes a sex act so unspeakable even we can’t explain it here.) Anyway, as you can see from this artist’s depiction, Detroit is dominated by high-minded neoclassical architecture, a fitting symbol of its position as the American Athens, with a vibrant, dignified democratic culture.

And how about that Congress! Ever since the Democrats took over after the midterm elections, our nation’s legislators have been working feverishly to remake the country to match their radical left-wing ideals, and naturally that entails advancing the gay agenda. Agenda item number one: ass-fucking every man in America! Unfortunately, there are simply too many male asses to for the Democrats’ crack team of sodomizers to fuck the “old-fashioned way,” which has led to the deployment of mechanical buttsex devices onto the backsides of recalcitrant heterosexual males everywhere.

And hey, you know who else isn’t electing a president, or at least not a president we care about? The foreigns! Here’s a prime example of the sort of fascinating thing that goes on overseas. Israeli Prime Minister Olmert is presenting Condi Rice with … uh … a box with some kind of tiny sweater-clad doo-wop group? And he’s a cage? With a dove in his guts? And he’s wearing zionist pants? Seriously, we have no clue what the fuck this is supposed to be about. But Condi’s pants are cool. Ha ha! Stripey pants! (Are the little men disco dancing? Are they ice skating?)

Now here, at least, is a cartoon we can all understand, a day after September 11th. Do you recall that tragic day, when Muslim terrorists flew their rocket-powered outhouses into some sort of featureless concrete wall, which is why you can’t borrow against your home equity any more to pay for your gas? NEVER FORGET.

Hey, did you know that even though Americans have yet to elect a president, we actually have a president, already, which sort of makes you wonder why we’re going through all this trouble? Our president’s name is George W. Bush. It’s fully possible that, sometime during the last six to eight weeks, he was eaten by bears.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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53 comments

  1. AnnieGetYourFun

    I wonder what the South Korean version of a crying eagle would be? And would it be labeled carefully so we knew it was a tear and not a melting eyeball?

  2. V572625694

    Cartoon 5 (the Condi/Ehud piece) clearly demonstrates America’s superiority as a provider of graphically illustrated humor. This country isn’t over the hill yet!

  3. BillyClubb

    Well, we got comix about a black man runnin’ for Prez, and comix about another black man goin’ to jail. Which one’s funnier?

  4. facehead

    Ok, I’ll try to shift the discussion away from politics, I’m really into classic cartoons, you know, like Rocky and Bullwink … FUCK! fail.

  5. natoslug

    Dear Morans,

    FIX YER STRIKE TAG.

    Sincerely,
    The Audience.

    (Should I have worked harder on the misspellings? I figure it wouldn’t matter if you keep striking out everything from GILF on on this page)

  6. facehead

    Why are there lines through everyone’s entries? Did I just get Banned from wonkette? Did wonkette get hacked? o dear…

  7. sanantonerose

    Whoa. Kwame is being led away by a black cop? The Uncle Tom symbolism is too too strong. And yes, Detroit may sport neoclassical architecture, but the signage is pure Pluggersville.

    And I absolutely aDORE the little “etc.” Bush-Liberty hellbaby. A very handy catch-all category of Bush fuckups.

  8. natoslug

    … and I fucked that one up myself. That should have been GILF: </strik…

    Line 274, column 258 in the rendered source code should be >

  9. natoslug

    [re=94350]KittyKatMan[/re]: Not fixed. Our Wonkette overlords need to fix “Cartoonists Gone Wild For GILF” so that the closing strike tag is no longer strik… and most of our comments will look even more pointless than usual.

  10. Weeping Jesus

    So, once again the Cartoonist’s Manual First Lesson is: Take random images, juxtapose, add irrelevant dialogue, and remember to put name tags on all characters because artist is of limited ability. Holy cow, these are great! Does someone actually pay the cartoonist?


  11. Post author
    Josh Fruhlinger

    Ha ha, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about using strikeout tags on the titles of posts that later get autogenerated as “related posts” but get cut-off in mid-tag. I went back took the tags out, which made the headline boring, but oh well.

  12. Whiskeybaby

    I don’t understand the conflating of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac with hurricanes. But then there’s so much about this world today that I don’t understand…

  13. BillyClubb

    [re=94361]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: “…made the headline boring…”? Well O.K., buddy, we have learned a valuable lesson here: HTML covers up a myriad of sins…

  14. natoslug

    A Sarah Palin headline boring? That’s Sexist! Boring . . . drilling . . . c’mon, work with me here, people. You’ve practically admitted raping our fair Alaska flower with that statement, Josh.

  15. Rush

    A one week respite on the campaign? Shit, I forgot who is the Dem. VP candidate a week ago. Oh yeah, the guy in the wheelchair who thinks Senator Bosnia would be better than him.

  16. azw88

    Another Palin-Kilpatrick connection (besides being Mayors) is that e-mails will be the death of their political careers.

  17. azw88

    Election?? There’s an election??!!

    Wow, must have missed that bit of news. Been glued to CNN-Headline news every evening as Nancy (I’ve fallen from) Grace go on and on about this missing and presumed dead little white girl and her trailer-trash single mom’s exploits as, well, typical trailer-trash. But we know now that Sarah Palin is the answer to all of that, what with her knock-ed up daughter actually marrying the father of her baby.

  18. hoboking

    This is such a nice relief from Palin-o-rama…

    I just wanted to point out the ‘Torture’ Bush baby in cartoon 1. That little blighter is a kinky freak, and it actually made me laugh – a political cartoon that made me laugh, about torture. That’s either some high graphical humor or I’m a sicko.

  19. Delicious

    [re=94389]Rush[/re]: Oh shit. I was gettin’ all misty for Hillz and I forgot how much she likes to tell fibs.

  20. gurukalehuru

    #4 Drill here, drill now
    #6 Begone, John McCain, or we’ll drop a house on you, too
    *7 It’s also entirely possible that he’s been on a 6-8 week bender. As evidenced by the photos from the Olympics. I wouldn’t object if the overlords took a break from banning people and just showed those again.

    1-3 were actually not bad, I thought, although the artist on #3 is apparently a lazy wanker.

    Also, I don’t see no strikethroughs, but I am now convinced that I am less computer literate than everybody here.

  21. herpezhilton

    Love the Kilpatrick cartoon.

    Cartoonist: But I don’t even know what the mayor of Detroit looks like!
    Editor: Just re-use that crappy caricature you did of David Patterson that we nixed 4 months ago.
    Cartoonist: Done!

  22. njdon

    not election news:
    i have decided to purchase lehman bros. for $100 million, $3.18 cash, my experience, and natural genius ability. in return i will plunder the co. and get salary and bonus of $214 million. i guarantee that the co. will be brought back to profitability. in some bizarre scnario where i fail i will extract the money from the bush administration, the fed, and/or the treasury.

  23. freppish

    [re=94372]Whiskeybaby[/re]: i think it has something to do with us paying to rebuild florida every year, just move them to alaska damn it, they dont have anything up there not even natural disasters, and they could use some new blood

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