• February 14, 2012
EVERY NATION NEEDS A HERO

Spiderman To Heal America At 9/11 Party

by Jim Newell

3:52 pm September 11, 2008

Some folks have found a copy the CNN schedule for tonight’s Service Nation Presidential Candidates Forum at Columbia University, on 9/11. Following remarks from the president of Columbia University and the governor of New York and before remarks from 9/11 families, John McCain, and Barack Obama, the famous movie star Tobey Maguire will speak about 9/11 and Service. Sure, why not? Because Tobey Maguire did study physics at Columbia University, in the children’s comic book film Spiderman 2. [Cryptome, Radar]

{ 44 comments }

ManchuCandidate September 11, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Better than Jerry Maguire.

Texan Bulldoggette September 11, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Really, how can anyone take seriously a man named “Tobey” (yeah, I’m also looking at you, Toby Keith).

BobLoblawLawBlog September 11, 2008 at 4:00 pm

He’s gonna talk about how 9/11 upped his “Pussy Posse” scoring. That whole we-only-got-tonight line really hit home after that.

Serolf Divad September 11, 2008 at 4:02 pm

I hate to get all somber and shit on your asses, but this does remind me of one of the many ways in which 9/11 fucked with our minds. If you recall seeing trailers for the original Spiderman movie, you may recall that they invovled Spiderman chasing down a helicopter filled with crooks fleeing a bank robbery from off the top of a high building in New York. The robbers are in the air when suddenly they are jolted to a stop, and the camera pulls back to reveal their helicopter trapped in a spider web strung up between the two towers of the World Trade Center. The Spiderman movie didn’t come out ’till after 9/11 however, and that scene was not in it. The filmmakers claimed that it was never intended to be in the movie and was filmed just for the advertising campaign, but… who knows. It does give me a melancholy feeling to think back on that, for sure, though.

OK, back to ass fucking.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 11, 2008 at 4:03 pm

Tobey studied physics? Can he save us from that black-hole-creating Swiss super-collider? I mean, being a superhero with specialized knowledge, you’d think he’d be lending a brother a hand.

masterdebater September 11, 2008 at 4:03 pm

I hate to say it, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like 9/11 changed a thing. Well, there is no doubt about the personal pain suffered by the people who lost loved ones, but it seem like the main thing was that it gave everyone something new to exploit…oh, and an excuse to hate the mooslims. That part’s probably OK though, since we’re all christians anyway.

Delicious September 11, 2008 at 4:06 pm

When does Aquaman speak?

BillyClubb September 11, 2008 at 4:07 pm

[re=93082]masterdebater[/re]: Yeah, but are you the right kind of Christian?

Q2 September 11, 2008 at 4:10 pm

And what the fuck is wrong with giving Sipderwoman a chance to speak? Oh…dat’s right. This is Columbia, a bastion of liberal elite he-man woman haters. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still Cindy McCain.

grendel September 11, 2008 at 4:10 pm

[re=93087]BillyClubb[/re]: You’re only the right kind of Christian if you speak in tongues… like the snowbillies.

druranium September 11, 2008 at 4:10 pm

Why isn’t Michelle Obama at ground zero with hopey, walnuts, and pillhead?!
It it because she doesn’t love her country?

Jay-C September 11, 2008 at 4:11 pm

Nice to know that Spiderman gets the same amount of minutes as the Governor of New York

magic titty September 11, 2008 at 4:12 pm

[re=93087]BillyClubb[/re]: i’m the agnostic kind.

grendel September 11, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Governor of New York = Daredevil

KittyKatMan September 11, 2008 at 4:17 pm

It’s about time, the world can stop waiting. hopefully, he’s for Barry, then he can speak all he wants. ..im biased, so suck it.

magic titty September 11, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=93101]grendel[/re]: I see what you did there.

ZippyDee September 11, 2008 at 4:17 pm

What a minute! I just heard WHPS Dana Cutsiegirl say the US did NOT have any superpowers at its disposal! Are they just sitting on Spidey?

Delicious September 11, 2008 at 4:18 pm

[re=93095]druranium[/re]: She’s just not proud of her country this week.

Larry Fine September 11, 2008 at 4:19 pm

Is Tobey Mcguire a siisy? He’s an actor, afterall.

columnv September 11, 2008 at 4:21 pm

[re=93086]Delicious[/re]: Idiot: 9/11 involved swift movements through the air and buildings and had nothing to do with water.

TGY September 11, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Pretend physicists are better role models than real physicists. Especially if they have cool costumes and shit.

columnv September 11, 2008 at 4:22 pm

[re=93097]Jay-C[/re]: The gov of NY is blind and black, that means he’s like 3/5th of a gov, or something.

Godot September 11, 2008 at 4:25 pm

As the star of the first successful feel-good, heroes vs villains movie post-9/11, I would argue that Tobey Maguire actually DID play a significant role in healing America and deserves to speak at this thing.

nietzscheprojectile September 11, 2008 at 4:25 pm

[re=93117]columnv[/re]: But he does know how to party.

masterdebater September 11, 2008 at 4:28 pm

[re=93098]magic titty[/re]: According to most of these so called churches, it’s just fine if you don’t believe, my friend. Just as long as you vote Republican, you’re in! So chear up, you have nothing to…oh, wait.

columnv September 11, 2008 at 4:30 pm

[re=93123]nietzscheprojectile[/re]: Good point, maybe he’s racially transcendent and is like 4/5 human or something.

PROGRESS!!!!

FreshCliches September 11, 2008 at 4:30 pm

[re=93116]TGY[/re]: With the exception of Richard Feynman. Any man that can find inspiration to solve math equations at titty bars MUST be revered.

druranium September 11, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=93109]Delicious[/re]: To tell you the truth, neither am I after the last 7 years.
“It will be a Religious War, a sort of Christian Jihad, fueled by religious hatred and led by merciless fanatics on both sides. It will be guerilla warfare on a global scale, with no front lines and no identifiable enemy.”
If anyone wants to re-read HST’s 9/12 article, today is a good day for it:
http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1250751

V572625694 September 11, 2008 at 4:34 pm

[re=93080]Serolf Divad[/re]: But seriously: isn’t all this 9/11 memorial shit playing right into the hands of the monstrous vandals who did this? You know that kind of talk (serious stuff) can get you banned. Ass-fucking is fine, though, as long it’s between consenting adults.

Delicious September 11, 2008 at 4:38 pm

[re=93114]columnv[/re]: Well, then who’s protecting our ports?

DieOnTheTurnpike September 11, 2008 at 4:40 pm

[re=93095]druranium[/re]: September 9/11/01 11th 2001 happened before Michelle was proud of her country, so of course she isn’t there. She’s somewhere secretly doing a jeehad mooslem dance celebrating her fellow Iraqi’s success at attacking ‘Merika.

columnv September 11, 2008 at 4:41 pm

[re=93141]Delicious[/re]: You’re right, I forgot that Aquaman stopped that horrible Dubai port deal.

Check-mate.

magic titty September 11, 2008 at 4:41 pm

[re=93137]V572625694[/re]: My man HST lives forever.

Delicious September 11, 2008 at 4:42 pm

[re=93134]druranium[/re]: That’s a great column. RIP.

And he even predicted America on Nov. 5, 2008:

The only news on TV comes from weeping victims and ignorant speculators.

nietzscheprojectile September 11, 2008 at 4:55 pm

[re=93131]columnv[/re]: Yes. And also I hear he’s a real badass with that cane – a la Daredevil. But, I don’t think I want to see him in a tight, red supersuit.

TGY September 11, 2008 at 4:58 pm

[re=93132]FreshCliches[/re]: Agreed in re Feynman and titty bars. Hats off to you, Dick!

azw88 September 11, 2008 at 5:06 pm

He was supposed to slink down from the ceiling upside down and kiss Sarah Palin on her tattooed lips, but alas, she is exploiting 9-11 by shipping her son off to Iraq, which as we all know from GWB was behind all of the attacks.

Instead, Tobey is joining Repubs everywhere and going to kiss Mayor Rudy on his 9-11 tattooed ass.

Call me stormy September 11, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Hopey goes on at 8:30ish, depends on how many lame jokes McCain makes, I guess.

nietzscheprojectile September 11, 2008 at 5:17 pm

[re=93173]azw88[/re]: Well, apparently the National Enquirer has figured out why he’s called Track – Drugs! Alaskans really are bored.

natoslug September 11, 2008 at 5:22 pm

[re=93087]BillyClubb[/re]: I’m an atheist, but I listened to Sister Christian this morning. Is that close enough?

druranium September 11, 2008 at 5:29 pm

[re=93147]Delicious[/re]: Weeping victims and ignorant speculators – you’re right! That is the only thing we have been seeing on tv. How did he know?

edgydrifter September 11, 2008 at 5:39 pm

[re=93076]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: His manager felt that Kunta Kinte Maguire sounded a little too ethnic.

btwbfdimho September 11, 2008 at 5:59 pm

Spiderman there?
Maybe he will mention a joke circulating in South America: After 9.11 there are three kinds of heroes in the USA:
Superman, who flies over the buildings,
Spiderman, who climbs the buildings, and
Musulman, who goes thru the buildings.

facehead September 11, 2008 at 6:11 pm

What a star-studded cast! This might be better than the first 9/11 !

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