Since this news headline alone goes above and beyond our joke-per-post quota, we’ll leave it at that. As soon as we determine the nature of this oil sex — as in, was it consensual middle-management heterosexual sex or was it, say, Republican big shots ass-raping young male slaves? — we will decide whether or not to keep covering it. Any Interior Department staffers want to clue us in? UPDATE: It seems like heterosexual sex, boo. But was it vaginal? [AP/KTVU]
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{ 83 comments }
heh heh… “interior department staffers”…
As long as they didn’t plunder the Strategic K-Y Jelly reserve, I’m okay with it.
Well it’s important to be well-oiled before doing any sex probing…
I thought the Office of Hot Oil Probing was under the Treasury Department’s Jurisdiction. Or Cheaney’s
[re=91681]grendel[/re]: heh heh… you said “staff”
My fave quote:
“The same two women also ‘engaged in brief sexual relationships with industry contacts,’ the reports’ cover memo said, adding that ‘sexual relationships with prohibited sources cannot, by definition, be arms-length.’
What if you’re Barry and you’re schlong is longer than your arm?
I better get another drink…..this is gonna be good.
The investigation also concluded that several of the officials “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives.”…The investigation separately found that the program’s manager mixed official and personal business, and took money from a technical services firm in exchange for urging oil companies to hire the firm. In sometimes lurid detail, the report accuses him of having intimate relations with two subordinates, one of whom regularly sold him cocaine.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/11/washington/11royalty.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin
In lurid detail? Where is our lurid detail? My office isn’t anywhere near as much fun. [*pout*]
Yeah, NPR was talking about the probe (heh) about an hour ago:
http://www.npr.org/newsinbrief/index.html#MT94479814
DRILL! BABY! DRILL!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill baby drill.
So that explains the high price of Astro-Glide!
“A lot of people are surprised to find out that, as an Exxon engineer, my job is to develop new kinds of anal lube.”
This is amazing. Its like a wonkette post that doesnt require a wonkette post. Its like WonkZenkette or something like that.
[re=91703]sneaky[/re]: Dagnabit! I knew someone would beat me to it.
[re=91699]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Lurid detail is not something that happens to you in the workplace, Grasshopper. It is something that must be grown, and tended, and loved, with your own hands until it blossoms.
Short version: Take the oil officials’ example and snort some high quality Columbian off of the hawt guy’s/gal’s good parts in the breakroom.
“Brief sexual relationships” is the new “bathroom blowjob.”
[re=91702]NoWireHangers[/re]: [re=91703]sneaky[/re]: [re=91704]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Wow. Hivemind.
Do these staffers ever have to reach around party (coke) lines?
[re=91709]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Ahhhh. You are wise, master. You have a future in oil.
A coke dealer bangin’ a customer, errrr, boss?
“Equal Pay”??! Shiiiiit! Sell your boss coke & fuck ‘im!
THAT’S Change I can believe in.
“A culture of ethical failure”
When we say that stuff, they call us cranks.
Coke and kickbacks, too! looks like I picked the wrong night to dry out.
Anal is the new Black.
i can’t believe that someone in the bush administration would do something improper.
[re=91702]NoWireHangers[/re]: [re=91703]sneaky[/re]: [re=91704]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: You guys pick more low-hanging fruit than a midget apple farmer. AND YOU DO IT ALL AT ONCE! weird.
[re=91685]Godot[/re]: But the instructions on the condom box say not to use a petroleum based lubricant as that will degrade the condom. This could get even more interesting…
[re=91714]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: heh. you said “reach around” in the thread about oily sexy times.
[re=91719]RuperttheBear[/re]: I have a friend who teaches at the Fieldston School of Ethical Failure.
Leave it to oil execs and Republicans to “improperly engage in sex.” Thee’s no fourth hole, guys, no matter how hard you drill.
Visions of nasal and aural sex run hauntingly through my head.
[re=91727]njdon[/re]: Yeah, I thought R’s only had same sex sex. If they were D’s then I could totally understand this hetero thing, but really!
[re=91730]Da Derga[/re]: little illicit oil babies.
OMG, did she actually say “sucking and fucking the life out of the American economy”? If so, Congresswoman Slaughter, I think maybe I love you.
[re=91702]NoWireHangers[/re], [re=91703]sneaky[/re], [re=91703]sneaky[/re], Ouch! Not all three of you at once, wtf do you think I am, a Republican?
Scroll down and click photo to enlarge: Lucy Q. Denett on the left She is one of the two highest officials targeted by the investigation, but retired before any administrative punishment could be imposed.
Let us pray that her vagina was not involved. But if it was, man, I think whoever did her deserves a an oil contract.
[re=91712]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: [re=91729]KevoTron[/re]: [re=91745]facehead[/re]: Come on people, it took ten minutes for someone to go there! The fact that we took the low road in unison negates the fact that it is indeed the low road, right?
Screwed up the tags on that foto of Lucy “Suzy Q” Denett. So there it is again.
[re=91748]RuperttheBear[/re]: Ahhhh fix the link. I wanna seeeeee.
In a related story, the government will be bailing out Wet Platinum.
[re=91752]RuperttheBear[/re]: 2 women. 1 man. 2 pearl necklaces.
Oh, and also, I shall now have Petey Pablo’s “Freek-a-leek” in my head allllll aaaaffffttteeerrrnnnooooooonnnn
Bush on Oil: June 18, 2008
“In the long run, the solution is assfucking the demand for oil by promoting rhetorical bullshit. My administration has battled with Congress to invest in paying myself like advances you would get from your job.
Batteries.
Hydrogen fuel cells.
We will never make these things.
We’ve mandated a large expansion in the use of going back in time to get more oil. After all, if drill more then, we drill less now. We’ve superficially raised fuel efficiency standards to mundane, inadequate levels. And remember, you still get that tax break when you buy a huge fucking truck. With all these steps, we are bringing America closer to the day when we can end our addiction to fascism and the tragedy of the masses, two things I know nothing about but thrive on. This will allow us to become at first, kings, and eventually, gods.
[re=91751]NoWireHangers[/re]: fair enough. Snark away.
[re=91752]RuperttheBear[/re]: gaaa! i gotz da shivers now. you’d have to do a whole lot of coke before tapping that ass
[re=91752]RuperttheBear[/re]: OK now, I read the caption and for a moment I thought it said “”[b]pubic[/b] at large” representative”.
[re=91748]RuperttheBear[/re]: Whoever did probably only drilled a dry well.
Per Dick; “SO?”
It’s good to know we’re not the only ones being fucked during the great national disgrace.
But a gift or two would be nice, fellas.
[re=91768]magic titty[/re]: Or at least dinner and movie, I mean, get some dignity peeps!
Hmm. Next meetings for the Minerals Management Services freaks from the Department of the Interior are next week. In Alaska. http://www.mms.gov/alaska/cproject/conf_meet/cm.htm
Caribou Barbie just flew home to Alaska. Coincidence? I think not. Sending her son off to Iraq is just a cover for some hot sexy time with a few federal officials.
NY Times: “The reports portray a dysfunctional organization that has been riddled with conflicts of interest, unprofessional behavior and a free-for-all atmosphere….”
Fuckin’A!
leak to wonkette
[re=91763]CivicHoliday[/re]: No, no, grandma gives you ginger ale, because coke is caffeinated. Did you know there’s a Werther’s Original flavored lube?
[re=91751]NoWireHangers[/re]: Oh, don’t be afraid to go too low. All’s I’m saying is that Sneaky’s, Canmon’s, and your typing fingers are being shared by one brain.
[re=91774]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: If WalNUTS! is going on that trip with her, I think I may vomit.
[re=91776]LittlePhatGuise[/re]: What is the Republican National Convention, Alex?
I have this sudden sick realization of what people actually meant when they told me that solar will never replace oil due to market forces I didn’t really understand. Now I understand. When Hopey is King, these folks will be replaced by hippy chicks with hemp based lubes who will entice industry into renewables by forming rewarding partnerships.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWuuXpeqNNw
You really have to see their lust for drilling to appreciate it.
Oil, Republicans and sex in the same sentance, echhhh….ALL MISSONARY…
[re=91693]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: If they thought about baseball, the “brief” problem might go away.
This explains everything! I keep thinking, surely the Republicans cannot want to follow a short-sighted energy policy of drill-drill-drill, while giving no thought to any potential environmental ramifications, just for the money. It was the sex and cocaine that they are after! It makes so much more sense now.
[re=91803]freakishlystrong[/re]: Consensual sex in the missionary position? EW GROSS GET IT AWAY
[re=91699]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:
In a few months they’re gonna have to move this whole operations to Crawford.
[re=91788]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: A gathering of Old, Rich, Crackers?
Clearly the solar and wind people just need to get the right drug connections.
Hopefully Pelosi et al can use this to push through a comprehensive energy bill.
Just wait until the black tar heroin, anal sex & uranium mining scandal breaks.
[re=91826]Quacker[/re]:
…operation….. Dammit!
[re=91830]LittlePhatGuise[/re]: My Jeopardy references are completely unapreciated.
I can’t make it through this oily (heh) thread without laughing in an auditory manner. You are all fiends!
So, while we were getting screwed at the pump, the guys and gals from big oil and were doing some REAL fucking.
Now, every once in a while ya need a little ‘help’ during sex, even doing it in the good ol missionary, but who the hell needs THAT much lube?
Who woulda thought being a bureaucrat in Denver would get you all the pussy and Bronco’s tickets you ever wanted?
I worked at DOI across the hall from the main office for those bozos. It looks liked Megan’s Law meets the bureaucracy.
Three guesses which department Oily Todd will be given a job in, once the Tundra Taliban takes office.
The full report is at Talking Points Memo. An interesting quote: “The RIK employee recalled that on one occasion in late 2004, Smith telephoned her repeatedly asking for drugs. She said she provided cocaine to him early that evening, but he continued to call her. Eventually, she said, Smith traveled to her house and wanted her to have sex with him. She said he also asked her if she had more cocaine, and she stated that she did not but that someone who was staying with her might. She said Smith obtained crystal methamphetamine from one of these individuals and she watched him snort it off the toaster oven in her kitchen. The RIK employee also said she and Smith engaged in oral sex that evening.”
Toaster oven?!? Woo hoo!
[re=91961]Hutch[/re]: Not everyone is flexible enough to see their own toaster oven!
[re=91973]Outstando[/re]: Exactamundo! I was impressed.
Ha! Low-life bureaucrats copping swag and trim from oily oil magnates on the taxpayer’s dime. Who’da thunk it?
[re=91908]grevillea[/re]: Tundra Taliban? Brilliant!
NY TIMES: …The same two women also “engaged in brief sexual relationships with industry contacts,” the reports’ cover memo said, adding that “sexual relationships with prohibited sources cannot, by definition, be arms-length.”
In fairness, THAT would depend on how well hung these oil industry contacts were.
Well it’s been said that the Bush administration has been in bed with the oil companies from the beginning . . .
[re=91961]Hutch[/re]: Who doesn’t like there their tweak slightly warm and toasty?
“Bitch!?! You done cookin’ the dope or what?!? I like my shit browned… that’s how the French do it.”
It’s like the 70s all over again (or still?). People screwing and getting high at the office. Only the drugs are nastier and most likely so is the sex.
We don’t need more exploratory drilling ‘cuz these people are doin’ enough already.
A new GOP slogan? “Drill here, drill now, drop trou!”
Gotta be some new “job openings” at one of the best gigs I’ve ever heard of.
Man, when Democrats said this administration was “in bed with the oil industry,” I thought they were speaking metaphorically.
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