unfunny pictures

A Children’s Treasury of Terrible 9/11 Art

You could've STOPPED THE PLANES or something, but you wept. Thanks, Cunt - Wonkette
(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how “A Charlie Brown Christmas” plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world that has killed some 700,000 people while finally restoring energy and defense stocks to the solid dividend payers favored by long-term investors. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation, along with some truly stomach-turning old-fashioned American Huckersterism.

Uhhhhh .... - WonketteIf you thought passenger jets could be terrifying weapons, you’ll truly be terrified by the giant winged baby monster from Hell.

How did such a truly awful, gut-wrenching event inspire such stupid crap? It’s just part of our modern, idiotic culture — the same mouth-breathing instinct that compels people to pile a bunch of wet stinking stuffed animals at the site of a fatal car crash, or order a hundred Thug Life “memorial T-shirts” to remember some shithead gangsta teen who got himself shot, or make a GeoCities memorial site for Princess Diana (with animated GIFs and MIDI music of “Candle In The Wind”).

Or, if you’re an entrepreneur, maybe you just manufacture some lighters in China with bas-relief images of the burning WTC towers and Osama bin Laden’s face, and when you open it, the thing will play “Für Elise” and little LEDs will blink in the “fire.”

But nothing says “We sort of had it coming” like the endless variations of the Crying Eagle.

Oh shit a giant eagle has eaten one of the WTC towers - Wonkette

one for every year he's been away .... - Wonkette

This next one is truly emblematic of the whole pathetic trend: The fucking flag is not only somehow tattooed on the eagle’s feathers, but it’s also backwards. Show some respect, crying eagle.

NO UR DOING IT WRONG - Wonkette

While cynics will say 9/11 has been used primarily to justify a $500 billion trillion-dollar occupation and destruction of a country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, optimists will point out that 9/11 could also get you a dollar-twenty-nine bag of grease fries down at the Burger King, in Hilltop Plaza:

More like FREEDOM fries - Wonkette

And if the endless pictures of the Smoke Devil attached to absurd quotes from the Book of Revelations weren’t enough, somebody decided to bring attention to yet another mysterious animal shape in the smoke:

The fuck is that supposed to be? - Wonkette

Uhhhh ….. Is it a chicken drumstick? Maybe the head of that little dude in “Gremlins”? Maybe a mooninite?

hi jesus! - Wonkette

Optimists saw Jesus as the Great Destroyer.

Let’s move on:

We won't easily forget this one .... - Wonkette

Okay, WTF? Is this what 9/11 is like in Second Life?

Uhhhhhhh - Wonkette

Burning? Is that really the word you want to use here?

America is back, babies!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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127 comments

  1. Terry

    Well, look at it this way. Producing these images is a cottage industry that keeps these folks inside at their computers and away from the rest of us.

  2. Texan Bulldoggette

    So that’s what the Statue of Liberty looked like before she got all green-pewtered up. Sorry, but what are the scratches on her chest supposed to represent? I must hate America because I don’t know the symbolism of 3 cat scratches.

  3. grendel

    7 years ago today I was on a plane connecting through Atlanta and missed the whole thing when it happened live… I’ve always had to experience it through the replays and hearing about it second hand. Thanks for connecting me with the true horror of those moments through these truly abominable works of “art” (although I would like to see a little more light on the naked second life lady liberty…. yowza!)

  4. dano

    What, no ceramic nick-nacks portraying people jumping from the 80th floor? Why does the Franklin Mint hate America?

  5. Lorax

    The naked Lady Liberty is totally confusing. What is she pledging to not forget? Where she left her clothes? How she got those scratch marks on her girl-parts? How she got talked into wearing nothing but a hat? The look on her face is something between “where the hell are my car keys” and “it’s Thursday ALREADY?”

    I’ve seen naked, bloody women coming at me with a sword many times before, and they were ALL more terrifying than this.

  6. snig

    The fitting memorial I would endorse would be to have the names of all the fallen servicemen tattooed on the architects of the Iraq war. Then have the names of all the civilians caught in the crossfire tatooed in a different color. A different color for all children. But not the insurgents, because some would consider that offensive. I’d consider glow in the dark pigments, so they have something to read at night, but I don’t know if the technology is there yet.

  7. CivicHoliday

    Four more years of hysterical war mongering and instilling mind-numbing fear of death and destruction in the public! McCain/Palin 08!

  8. Noodle Salad

    Anyone trying to make a buck off of 9/11 should be sent to work in a Precious Moments sweatshop until their nightmares are populated by misshapen little children constantly getting married and going to heaven.

  9. rina

    I’m pretty sure that the mysterious smoke-animal is a koala bear. Maybe they are the great threat that Colbert has been warning us about!

  10. Johnny Zhivago

    Actually, that never-forget lady is a rather poorly lit, poorly posed and poorly rendered Poser P4 Female, more commonly know in the digital art world as “Posette”.

  11. toastandlove

    [re=92292]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: That’s not the Statue of Liberty, it’s Anger-Bear Sarah Palin, about to go fight Terrorism, naked but for her War Paint. And by fight Terrorism, I mean shoot wolves with high-powered rifles, from the sky, like an angel of wolf-death.

  12. ProgHead777

    I didn’t think it could get worse than Space Jesus at the top there. I was very, very wrong. That second eagle pic took less than 60 seconds in photoshop. That’s a real heartfelt tribute right there.

    And fucking french fries?! Oh, ‘scuse me, freedom fries. The little “Value $1.29″ star at the bottom kinda says it all.

    Oddly, the Osama lighter auction is the least disturbing thing on this page.

  13. Strappo

    [re=92310]ProgHead777[/re]: I happen to think the last one, the drawing of JC rising out of the flames, is pretty affecting. Done in study hall by a religious 7th grader.

  14. jagorev

    The third-to-last one is actually kinda touching. All the others pretty much make me lose faith in America.

  15. ProgHead777

    I just noticed… why the hell does the Osama lighter play Fur Elise when you open it? Does Fur Elise have some special 9/11 significance that I’m not aware of?

  16. snig

    [re=92313]Strappo[/re]: That’s decent. “Choose your enemies well, because that’s who you’ll most resemble” resonates with me too.

  17. snig

    [re=92319]YellowSnow[/re]: Wait for it. In an infinite universe, all permutations of Elvis art will eventually exist. I’m waiting for the poker playing dogs weeping while watching 9/11 on TV.

  18. jagorev

    [re=92318]botlrokit[/re]: Obviously, Jesus is just bummed that he is a weaker God than the Muslim Jesus (PBUH).

  19. hatlesshead

    The item that sums up what America is truly all about are the fallen freedom fries. The others are the usual American schmaltz, and there is plenty of that to be had, always.

    The “animal” in smoke … look at the face and the wing formation. It is the Angel of Destruction.

    The end. Amen.

  20. magic titty

    Good God. Don’t you people have any respect for Rudolph Giuliani and what he’s done for this country!?!
    No?
    Ok.

  21. whatever_dc

    note that the burger kink coupon is good on both september 11th and 12th. wtf??? why does burger kink hate america???

  22. Crow T. Robot

    I’m truly inspired that Wonkette has chosen again this day to honor America’s final transformation in to the fascist nation we all knew we could be…for the children.

    I’m sure that knowing that the invisible sky fairy honors their loved ones along with each fallen sparrow, will be truly comforting to the victims’ families, even as we continue to blow up wedding parties in Afganistan.

    C’mon gang, let’s get together & put on a big show, and try to figure out one more freedom we can give up to keep America safe from 14th century thugs wearing belts full of rusty nails & dy-no-mite.

  23. Crow T. Robot

    …and don’t forget the bottom line now…just because 3000 people died doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make a little profit today, right?

    That is all, carry on.

  24. btwbfdimho

    Second eagle has two tears, one for each tower, very creative. The other eagle reminds me of Cindy McCain, subliminal?

  25. LittlePhatGuise

    Note to “team america”, the seller of the BinLaden Lighter:

    I used to like that song, Dick.

    Thanks for ruining it, all while trying to make a buck off of some asshole republican.

    To boot…..a fuckin’ Mountie?

    BASTARD!

  26. TGY

    [re=92291]Terry[/re]: That would be a cool idea if it wasn’t for teh Intarnets. As it is, they can annoy us nearly instantly.

    Also, what’s up with the near-naked Statue of Liberty? It’s ok, though, she still has her hat on. Baby, you can leave your hat on.

  27. space stout

    i just now discovered the poignant comments that appear when i place my cursor over each image. The first is my absolute fave- praise jeebus for wonkette’s wisdom…

  28. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    9/11 Porn is my second-favorite type of porn. Second only to German bondage & discipline midget porn.

  29. obfuscator

    [re=92349]Serolf Divad[/re]: Those American Freedom Birds are crying masculine tears of stoic patriotism. They’re similar to the tears you cry when you watch “Brian’s Song” or “Saving Private Ryan” or “The Hottie & the Nottie”.

  30. Gopherit v2.0

    Great. Those cocksuckers at MSNBC are replaying all of their 9/11 coverage. Cuz what would be a better memorial to those who died than replaying their deaths once a year? Who fucking needs Christmas now?

  31. freeradical

    If you look at the cloud to the left of the angel/devil/koala bear cloud, you can see that that adorable mutt Benji killed all those innocent people.

  32. DoctorCulturae

    Who said there isn’t art in America? But no velour blankies with the towers… to keep us warm, safe, and secure?

  33. 4tehlulz

    [re=92355]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Oh man. The Republican Convention must have been paradise for you.

  34. ServiceJervixJuice

    That crying eagle is totally faking it. As soon as your attention wanders it’s going to tear out your liver or eat your hamsters.

  35. rmontcal

    I didn’t know that Jeebus lived in the outer spaces!

    I think the religious 7th grader in study hall should draw a picture of Jeebus ignoring the falling towers because his attention was distracted by Kurt Warner throwing a touchdown. Or maybe Jeebus ignoring the falling towers because he is all caught up with the plight of his true chosen people, the sentient lobsters that live at the bottom of the Sulfur Seas on Voolva-7 in the Laybeeuh Cluster.

  36. Cape Clod

    What about the 9/11 comic book starring Dick Cheney? Or the painting of Rudy Guilliani running around catching people who fell out of the buildings?

  37. jagorev

    [re=92371]Cape Clod[/re]: I want to see that Giuliani video set to the Benny Hill theme.

    (there is literally no catastrophe that cannot be improved with the Benny Hill theme)

  38. Servo

    Did the Jeebus peoples replace the Three ( Mooslim ) Kings of the Nativity scene with a Fireman, Policemen, and an EMT?

  39. obfuscator

    [re=92362]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Scores of Grubby Europeans were inextricably drawn towards Lady Liberty’s Heaving Boozums of Democracy… and don’t forget her Melting Pot of Peaceful Assimilation.

  40. Bay_Of_Pigs_In_Lipstick

    Those crying eagle images are superb. I want to marry a man who has such an image tattooed across his chest. So its the last thing I see when he passes out on top of me.

  41. shoeho

    I think I’m just going to turn off the teevee, the ‘net, and hide my head under a pillow until after the election. I’m sure y’all will tell me what I missed. I picked a lousy year to give up Xanax.

  42. bup

    Serious question – is the lighter for people who are pro-al Qaeda?

    Because it doesn’t seem to condemn bin Laden’s strike at all. It kind of – you know, commemorates it.

  43. freakishlystrong

    It’s very difficult to work while looking at these, literally, I’m barking..thank you Ken…the snark runneth over…

  44. randomsausage

    Of course America, with your gay crying eagles, you deserved this!

    Anyone else think that Jesus, in the top picture, looks like he’s going to fire death rays from his eyes and zap the whole planet?

  45. Godot

    The second “Crying Eagle” looks more like an “Oversized Anime Sweatdrop Eagle”. Where’s his plus-shaped aneurysm, and what awkward sexual innuendo did he find himself subject to to prompt such a reaction?

  46. KevoTron

    God I hate this fucking day. I wish I was a master hacker (like in that awesome Angelina Jolie movie from the 90′s) so I could destroy conservative sites today.

    Anybody else in NYC seven years ago? Please stand up.

    As a person who was in Queens that morning nothing makes me more annoyed than right-wing douchebags who defend imperialism with the quaint phrase “remember 9/11″. I wanna punch that stupid eagle in his crying beak.

  47. NotthatLC

    I feel compelled as someone who had a xtian fundie childhood that that is NOT Jesus as the destroyer, but Jesus welcoming all the people that died that day into his welcome arms in heaven. Or some such. All though I can’t decide which is worse – Jesus welcoming the martyrs or the crying eagle. This is going to bug me all day.

  48. The 3-Legged Man

    I find it ironic that the bald eagle had to be put on the endangered species list over objections from republicans who think conservationists are extremists.

  49. OzoneTom

    Jesus wept? Just wait until 11/05/2008.

    Several impovershed low-lying countries will go all Atlantis overnight.

  50. sati demise

    [re=92436]KevoTron[/re]: I was in Mexico that day. All the gringos were watching CNN, the Mexicans stopped me on the street to give me condolences-and the local Catholic priest gave a special ceremony for Americans where he talked about Jefferson and Adams.

    So, when people say Bush squandered all the world wide good will, I know what they are talking about. A Catholic priest in a small Mexican town knew more about our American Constitution than Bush, and thats a fact.

  51. Godot

    [re=92436]KevoTron[/re]: I was in lower Manhattan that day, though a bit farther north than the World Trade Center, at my elitist liberal America-hating New York University. We of course blamed America first, then god-damned America.

  52. policonoclast

    [re=92292]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It looks like Mz Liberty been stripped nekid and gang-raped by muslams.

  53. Da Derga

    [re=92359]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: That’s special. And right after Olbermann went off at the Repubs for commercializing 9/11 and turning it into a brand.

  54. Cape Clod

    [re=92372]jagorev[/re]: Damn straight. I sometimes watch ‘Titanic’ with the sound down, played at 3X speed, with the Benny Hill theme playing. It’s the only way to tolerate it.

  55. natteringnaybob

    Hold the snark and pass the truthers. Check this out:

    http//www.prisonplanet.com/dear-reporter-looking-for-a-story-about-911.html

    God I hate this day too. For alot of reasons.

  56. KevoTron

    [re=92489]sati demise[/re]: That’s a really great story. I can’t help but feel really emotional today when I think about how terrifying the whole experience was. It’s nice that seven years later I can snark about stupid pictures of space-Jesus and whatnot but the truth is I’m really quite angry at the state of the world right now.

    sigh… back to snarking… sorry for being all mushy on space-Jeebus thread.

  57. lenorecutie

    Wow, I think that lighter is the tackiest this I’ve ever seen. Is it wrong that, because it’s so awful, I feel like I need one?

    I bet I can make a killing on e-bay with a set of commemorative 9/11 spoons.

  58. The Station Manager

    [re=92518]sanantonerose[/re]: That’s because we’re not supposed to reduce. Go out and buy shit, for America’s sake!

  59. ladymacbeth

    [re=92383]lilblackcorvette[/re]: happy solemn birthday.

    ah fuck that. happy birthday.

    in your honor we will all drink.

  60. Sussemilch

    [re=92595]KevoTron[/re]: Am I alone in being completely unafraid on 9/11? It was horrific, but as a kid who grew up with cowboys n’ russkies playing nuclear chicken and the clock ticking towards midnight, 9/11 seemed *inevitable* in some form. It was more expected than unexpected. Someone just filled in ther where, when, and how. I pity the people who thought the world was ever safe, and who conveniently forget facts like how the conflict between Russia and Georgia is between the 1st and 3rd largest nuclear powers on Earth.

  61. njdon

    no one seems to remember pearl harbor (12/7/41). a day which will live in infamy.

    remembering pearl harbor may be bad for commercial relations with the japs. like the germans they are all reformed good guys now.

    nevermind.

  62. jagorev

    [re=92614]lenorecutie[/re]: As long as the spoons are made with scrap metal salvaged from Ground Zero, and embossed with a bald eagle, I think they’re going to sell like hot cakes.

    Ooh… new idea: 9/11 commemorative cakes!

  63. lumpenprole

    Adding to that list of grief kitsch – memorializing a child on the tinted back window of an SUV. wtf.

  64. KevoTron

    [re=92651]Sussemilch[/re]: No, you’re not alone. I was only 21 at the time and pretty naive about the ways of the world.

    What was scary was a) girlfriend was stuck in Midtown and there were rumors about more attacks coming b) I lived in a neighborhood full of Pakistanis and people were VERY edgy c) I was super fucking stoned and that shit was just too intense.

    The best part? I got in a screaming match with my girlfriend that ultimately lead to us breaking up. Best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks Osama for putting that bitch on ice.

  65. natoslug

    Thanks to the incompetence we’ve demonstrated as a nation over the past seven years in our Global War of Terrorism (someone please help me change that so I can abbreviate it as GoTWAT rather than GWoT!), I am two fucks short of caring about 9/11 and instead heading to 7-11 for a slurpee. Anybody want me to pick them up something?

  66. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    [re=92651]Sussemilch[/re]:
    I was living in D.C. at the time and would say 9/11 felt more like the feeling you get watching a really bad car accident a few hundred feet in front of you. More like a kind of depressed dread than actual bodily fear.

  67. Kurt44

    I saw some memorial Twin Towers postcards that read “April 4, 1973 – September 11, 2001″ as though the buildings were people who had died. Creepy. Another postcard had US flags superimposed on each tower, ridiculously stretched to cover their full length. Much money has been made by people with poor Photoshop skills.

  68. regisgoat

    Maybe in time for next year. We could also go to work on a design that would have Jesus and Lady Liberty both crying, like in a Kelly cartoon for The Onion, and they both have eagles on their shoulders, and they’re both crying, and Jesus is lighting his Sacred Heart with an Osama lighter. And there should be some obvious caption: “Never forget, this, the worst day in history, worse than the day the Giants lost the World Series, even.”

  69. KiraJenLove

    I am a Christian, and I am offended by the symbolic use of Christ’s supposed figure in these works. I noticed that most of the symbolic imagery was Occult in origin and has a deeper Satanic meaning than most people are aware of.
    I admit, though, that I was once guilty of wanting to create a poster of a photo of the burning buildings with a quote from Luke 13:4,5 in the space next to them. It seemed an appropriate Bible verse relating to the tragedy.

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