Wonkette
Wonkette established itself early as the publication of record for all things Sarah Palin, so it’s no surprise that random mouth-breathing yokels emerging from their basement masturbatoriums to eagerly Google “SARAH PALIN NAKED” would end up looking at this site — a weird amalgam of dirty jokes, paeans to Truck Nutz, and actual political news — and find themselves a little baffled.
Pretty much any time a big story hits and traffic spikes, we’ll get a few angry/puzzled letters from unfortunates who stumbled on the site from Google News or wherever. These writers are usually outraged that we are not “real reporters” with “journalistic objectivity,” and they encourage us to “get a life,” blah blah blah. Sometimes people are more creative, though. Here are three notes we received just in the last day.
From: [redacted]@aol.com
To: tips@wonkette.com
Subject: worse bunch of lies and garbage I have ever read!!!!!!Get off the email, you should be ashamed to print those lies, shame on you.
From: Joan
To: tips@wonkette.com
Subject: (no subject)your site SUCKS!!!!!…..your site is absolute garbage…….
From: papa
To: tips@wonkette.com
Subject: u sickou folks need to take a brain enima
Wankers. We luv U, Sara K. Smith.
How long before we load up a Golgafrincham “B Ark” and just flush these people out to sea?
Yes dammit. Get off the email. It is clogging up the tubes.
Strappo: I love Sara K. Smith for selling weed on Showtime.
Sex, drugs, lies and the frozen tundra! My screenplay is writing itself!
http://www.nationalenquirer.com/_palin_family_shockers_what_sarahs_really_hiding/celebrity/65407
Wow, Hemingway’s prose has really suffered since his death.
It’s true! They’ll let anyone have an email site these days…
“..emerging from their basement masturbatoriums..”
Really? Do they ever? Last I checked, HoHos, Cheetos, and Natty Light all come in serving containers small enough to be slipped through basement windows.
Is enima the new drug craze the kids are into these days? You mean these guys and their meth labs now have competition?
Lies? Garbage? In MY Wonkette?
stew: THAT’S what the Palin story was missing! Oxycontin! I was having trouble putting my finger on it.
Dang, the Palintards have discovered the Intertubes! The emails will never be the same with them folk on the emails.
Well, in fairness, as East Coast Librul Elites, there is nothing we enjoy more than a green tea/ginger/cayenne brain enema. I like to get one one after yoga class, and then go to an abortion party.
If you could win a Pulitzer prize for angry, cryptic, uninformed, spelling and grammar mistake riddled e-mails, these people would be contenders I tells ya!
DEATH OF IRONY ‘08!!!
Letters to the editor is always my favorite post! But I probably shouldn’t say that on teh emails..
Tybalt: I was just thinking of how much the “Drill Here Drill Now” crowd reminded me of that lot when they were enthusiastically burning down all the forests to decrease the abundance of their leaf based currency.
I think Track should have his own reality show–sounds like quite a character…
OMG, my mom says “on the email!” And she’s crazy! And she uses AOL!
Oh wait, so do a lot of old people.
Wonkette could create a rich new revenue stream by selling these emails to WALNUTS’ campaign — there’s got to be a whopping $50 combined contribution to be had if you gather all of these troglodytes together in place place.
“The source also divulged the girls would do anything for Track and he’d use his local celebrity to manipulate other guys “to get them to steal things he wanted.”
Even a touch of Charlie Manson!
zkemeny: I hate being invited to an abortion party. I mean, am I supposed to bring something, like a bottle of wine or a casserole? Is it appropriate to hit on the abortee? Is a cod piece appropriately dressy? It’s too confusing! I’d rather just send a card.
Does a brain enima start in your ainus?
I haven’t had a “brain-enima” since those sugar-cubes I dropped in 1999.
Watchreader: Wait… AOL still exists? I assumed they didn’t, since they stopped mailing me a free coaster every six months a few years back.
Sara, do these emails every day make you laugh, or do you think our species is closer to doom with every passing minute? Just curious!
that one about taking a brain enima is obviously a joke based on “you morans need get a brain”
If someone googles “Alaskan Lipstick Pig and her 40 pregnant babies” and they would definitely end up on this site. Hahaha…sorry, but I’m using that one all over the place.
Watchreader: This lady seateth behind me in the office yesterday referred to “The Google” in a not-kidding manner, and was explaining to someone on the phone that it was a “search engine”. Mm hmm.
And I live and wank in New York City.
You kids get off my e-mail!
Sara, Thank you for translating those messages from ALL CAPS. I’m sure it took a while to retype, keeping the original spelling in place
under a no bid million dollar contract revlon is requested to send lipstick to:
freddiemac and fanniemae;
joe lieberman;
cheney;
bush;
lehman brothers.
mccain
if any money is left over, additional names will be listed.
snig: We don’t even need to send them to another planet, either. Ship them on some boats to Russia or China or Colombia or west Africa. These folks have no meaningful survival skills, without the gas station and the Piggly Wiggly they would just die.
snig: has anyone made that as T- shirt yet? I need for my 9/1l/birthday party
These e-mails are clearly bogus. E-mails from real mad basement masturbaters are ALL CAPS!!!
magic titty:
And I live and wank in New York City.
Everyone knows the finest masturbatoriums are in Brooklyn.
Drill Here! Drill Now! I’m Drunk!
Me wonders Sarah, do the mouth breathers that send those to you know you post them and we wonk them to death? And if not, could you please send a “reply”, (on the emails) with a link to this post?
Thank you.
Get off the email, you morans! I am aware of all internet traditions!
stew: Screenplay?
Don’t you mean…Broadway musical?
SNOWBILLY! The Musical
Tybalt: Fuck, and lose all the telephone sanitizers? I THINK NOT!
Do you ‘take’ a brain enema or do you ‘have’ a brain enema? Somebody tell me what Strunk & White has to say on this.
as someone who is still feeling the ill effects of the neon red Wonkette site, I am making an appointment at my local brain enema clinic today.
The friend also confided that both Bristol and Levi “broke up a few times and they definitely messed around with other people.”
Slutty, slutty, slutty!
/Michael Kors
jagorev: just bring an extra wire hanger, in case.
obfuscator: you’re such a stickler…
stew: Okay is anyone besides me waiting with baited breath for a “whoda babydaddy” show on Maury starring Bris, Levi and a gang of Wasilla teenage males? And come on, Track must have knocked up somebody! Get her out here in the lower 48 light of day.
Brain enema?
Yes please!
re: Letter Number Two
Joan-
YOUR SITE SUCKS, TOO! I can’t even read it since you became editor. And to think I used to pay to be a premium subscriber to that shit!
Sincerely,
Suck It!
magic titty: I prefer Ray’s Famous Original New York Style Masturbatorium. Or that trendy place in SoHo, the Spank Bank.
obfuscator: Do you work in professionally in the jizz biz. You know things, is what I’m saying…
this town needs a brain enema
My god, how I would love a brain enima right now. Maybe I could then forget that WALNUTS! and Lipstick continue to parade around the country lying about my man Barry and the Bridge to Nowhere, as white people everywhere jostle their fat neighbors and have a good laugh about how silly community (=black) organizers are.
No such thing you say? Then I guess drunkenness is my only hope…
In the Wonkette world, we consider such remarks foreplay. Yes, we’re naughty. Now spank us.
A brain enima is more appealing than what Mccain asked Palin to do for him yesterday in between “appearances”.
maybe the last letter is just spam advertising:
Come on down to Papa’s! ‘n’ take the best damn Brain Enima you ever have took!
The one from “papa” is obvs from “Papa Bear” Bill O’Reilly. He’s still cranky that we made such a big deal about that falafel thing. And you know he probably just loooooves a good enema.
Get off the email! And get off my lawn!
Isn’t the plural “masturbatoria”?
Curious Jim:
or brain enemae
Crazy always emails from @aol.com
magic titty: Do you work in professionally in the jizz biz. You know things, is what I’m saying…
Not a jizz professional. I just like to dabble in it. That was poorly worded.
Summer-end sale of Truck Nutz going on now!
By the looks of those emails, sounds like KOA campgrounds have wireless now.
magic titty: Oh sure, and everyone knows the Blue Nut, but its full of tourists now.
uhhh, how many of you are engaged in this “potty talk” thread while at work????
Seriously, Sara K. Smith, how do we know you aren’t suppressing the erudite, coherent critiques of this site? What if you’re slanting, skewing and twisting reality to further your own political/revolutionary agenda? Does the K stand for Komsomol? Or Killtheunborn?
And…
What if you’re…like all. The. Rest?
http://www.mondosapore.com
Forgive the fools. They were just having a bad day after putting lipstick on their pitbulls and discovering that Ole Kid Killer really does look like Sarah!
please wonkette, don’t let these emails depress you. the emailnet wouldn’t be the same without you. and for those of you who haven’t noticed, AOL is now a wholly owned subsidiary of wonkette. they even have ken layne spreading the good snark.
Strappo:
Definitely the low-hanging fruit, that group of emailers. Bill Kristol’s erudite emails to Sara are too personal, though (the guy knows about 50 different was to say how much he wants to be fisted).
dougbob: That’s my greatest fear! That wonkette won’t sell out — that wonkette will buy up and have to report to shareholders and kiss the Street’s analysts’ hairy asses and sweeten up its image and messages and ban comments containing “fuck” and “cunt” and even the all-purpose “shit”!
The First Amendment is at stake. Wake up, Amerika. Before it’s too late!
I frequent a small masturbatorium on my block. It’s not the nicest in town but I can’t deny that having one so close is very “handy”…
I Love how that one called it the e-mail. MorAn. Thank god I’m more savvy than that. So much so that I just built me a fat new quadcore internet so I can surf the “e-mail” faster.
Well I guess this proves that McCain’s education on how to use the internet is coming along fine.
Wait, you post that shite and I still haven’t seen one thing about my tip from last week re: legal marriage age in Alaska and whether or not the GILF and the First Dude couldn’t find their shotgun for the last 5 months?!? WTF?
I’m gonna get on the e-mail, here, and voice my e-pinion. I hope the tubetruck isn’t full yet, as I already see more than a few e-mail writings below your main e-mail.
Gaddamn! Some people are stupid.
Why doesn’t anyone have a ground floor masturbatorium any more?
Finally, I found the picture that totally represents McCain/Palin relationship and the campaign, in general. It’s from the Deadzone with Martin Sheen as POTUS holds up the baby to shield him from a sniper.
WE WANT E-MAIL ADDRESSES!
if you google Vagina + Gov. Mother Sarah Palin, it comes up with this reporting in the MSM
“”I escaped from Gov. Mother Sarah Palin’s Vagina details at 10 tonight!”"
snig: Is there a line of “Drill Here! Drill Now!” panties out yet? That is a change of fashion I could believe in.
“Enima” in the hatey-email from papa McCain is correctly spelled. It is the town between Wasilla and the boro of Douche.
Would they rather hear that Alaska is first in incest and rape? Or that Wassilla was the meth capital of Alaska? Or that Sarah believes you can pray away teh gay?
So, I wuz wondering.
Is the group brain enema still on for Thursday night @ 7:30PM?
What does “get off the email” mean?
Terry85: Not sure, but I believe it has something to do with a masturbatorium.
I actually found the brain enema to be rather refreshing! Try it! Use wheatgrass too!
zkemeny: snort. good one!
i googled “sarah palin naked,” and wonkette was #10. someone needs to be trying a little harder here.
So the email is like a party line? “You kids git off the email, I gotta git an ambulance to Fancy Fillies Beauty Parlor. The guv’nr’s been huffing nail polish remover again.”