Even though the Internet has already concluded that Barack Obama lost the election after some unknown wingnut vice president lady gave one surly speech last week, we couldn’t help but check out the electoral map anyway, just for kicks. Above is the fun Pollster map, and then you’ve got your FiveThirtyEight map, and this is a good thing to read also. Now play around with this stuff for exactly two minutes, preferably while drinking, and after those two minutes you’ll realize that Barack Obama still has this shit safely locked up.

The safest route is still this: Kerry states + Iowa + New Mexico + Colorado. It seems doubtful that New Hampshire, a New England state, would go for any Republican in this particular election, even if WALNUTS! has won its primary twice. And adding a crazy fundamentalist Christian to the ticket instead of friendly neighboring Governor Mittens doesn’t do much for that state’s independent crowd. (Ha ha even though Mittens is a douche too.) Mittens could’ve significantly helped McCain in Michigan, though, because his father used to govern it, and for some reason that would have made some people vote for the smarmy devil son 40 years later. Too late now! Michigan has no freaking business voting for MCCAIN, the guy who told them in January that their jobs were never coming back. And since Michigan and New Hampshire seemed like the only two possible states to lose from the Kerry coalition, well, enough of that.

Iowa seems safe; Barry’s always winning caucuses and giving speeches there, whereas John McCain has avoided the Iowa caucus entirely for each of his 850 presidential campaigns. New Mexico looks solid too, what with that fat Mexican governor of theirs, whatsisname, the one who always brags about his resume… well anyway, he’s always talking up Barry on the teevee. So then Barry simply has to win Colorado, where he just threw A HUGE SEXY PARTY FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK (and also where one of those Democratic Udalls is coasting to a Senate victory). Then he wins and Sarah Palin goes back to her distant Ice Palace in terrible shame.

Or he could pull off Florida — where the lovely old Jewish folks don’t cotton much to crazy ass Governor Palin — and fuck the rest, because if you’re looking at the Pollster map, 243 + 27 = a happy number.

Or he could win Kerry states + Virginia + Iowa or Nevada or Colorado or like any other random state.

Or he could lose Colorado and instead win Nevada & Montana — where Ron Paul is on the ballot!

And in case you haven’t noticed, all of the above scenarios exclude freaking Ohio. And if you had to make a bet, in a Democratic year, well…

So look you liberal Obamatards, do not worry so much about national polls in Obama’s worst week, after a Republican convention, with a new, as-yet-unquestioned lady face temporarily stealing some attention. The debates are coming soon, anyway.

The only thing worth worrying about is the Bradley Effect. By the way, did you guys hear that Barack Obama is BLACK?

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  1. After the Palin announcement, the electorate was just going after a little strange. The electorate will return to our Hopey, and he will accept them like any decent Lord and Saviour.

  2. Chuck Todd and Chris Matthews are now talking about some new national poll today. It is such a huge fucking waste of time. Electoral College, mother fuckers! Do you speak it!?

  3. Holy shit, I had not heard the black thing. Is America ready for a black president?? Is he black enough for black people to vote for? Or is he too black for white people to vote for? How the fuck is he going to get any votes? Even from his immediate family?

  4. Wait, this seems very smart and carefully thought through, something I’m not used to seeing on Wonkette. Is this Jim Newell writing……OR IS IT CHUCK TODD!?

  5. You Editors with your “polls” and “statistics” and “electoral college”. Poo poo! I prefer to live in fear. It’s all I’ve known for the last eight years and this whole thing about “change” just seems to “changey” which sounds too “chinky” and thus too “commie” for this cornfed white boy.

  6. Yes, well, I see Obama on TV spending all his speaking time attacking the opposition’s VP candidate, and when he is wasting time on that shit he is not talking about McCain or what he is going to do or anything else that got him the nomination in the first place, and it is most disheartening.

  7. [re=90510]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: Don’t worry he won’t stay that way. He’ll pull a Michael Jackson and bleach his skin once this celebrity thing goes to his head. I hear he’s sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber too.

  8. …this still doesn’t change the fact that 40% of the voting population of the U.S. should be soaked in bathtub and beaten with an extension cord!

  9. I like the descriptions “strong” and “lean” when indicating levels of support.

    It sounds like the way Charlie Crist would describe the go-go boys at his favorite gay bar!

  10. This is almost as good as when Jim eviscerates Rudy (actually, I like the Rudy-bashing posts much better)! But I’ll take this as I watch Keith O & Rachel tonight, whom according to KO beat Old doddering fool Larry King in ratings last night.

  11. That cheered me up a bit.

    But if Hopey loses I’m still moving, not to Socialist Canada which is far too close to traitorous Alaska, but to lovely Mexico, where the drinks are cheap, the food is spicy, and the wrestlers are masked. Plus dreaded White Witch of Winter Sarah Palin would likely not be able to survive in its tropical climes.

  12. This site has been my daily salvation. I especially enjoy it while drinking. Looks worse today than lately, but Barry’s campaign always does the right thing. Sorry, I’m just sensitive right now about the whole Mooselini thing, but I know we will prevail. (please god who I don’t even believe in). My boss already announced that it the corpse/MILF ticket wins, I am out of a job cuz she can’t keep the company running anymore.

  13. [re=90523]Kimbo[/re]: If Obama wins Virginia, he is probably gonna win some other Bush states. Maybe NC, IN or Ohio. It’s all demographical and shit.

  14. [re=90526]Spence[/re]: Well in BO’s defense, Willow might as well learn where her girl parts are sooner rather than later. Her eggs are aging as we speak & we know the Palins believe that every egg must be fertilized or you’ll go to HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. [re=90527]Jim Newell[/re]: Dear Jim, thanks for the bitch slap back to reality…it was getting really scary inside my head. As proof of my undying love and gratitude, please allow me to have your Down Syndrome baby.

  16. Whatever. Sir Hopealot will take NH and MI, Grandpa Nutbag will carry the rest of the yellow areas, either legitimately or through trickery. Walnuts strokes out in June of next year, Bible Spice takes command, PUMAs lose control of their bladders in ecstasy, China invades Taiwan and tells us to suck it, US economy collapses, and by this time next year we’re all hunkered down behind barricades burning tires for warmth and fighting off CHUDs with axes and aluminum baseball bats. Yay apocalypse!

  17. [re=90537]Rodney Badger[/re]: Yeah and if Obama comes out of his current nadir, then Indiana and Missouri — which are a little more Republican-leaning that Virginia this year — jump right back into play, too.

  18. Also, HuffPo has a good article about these national polls.

    Basically that they are over-sampling Republicans. It’s a L-O-O-N-G article & you’ll lose interest after the first couple paragraphs if you’ve been drinking, but something to bookmark & peruse after you’ve sobered up a bit. (Yes, I know it’s only Tuesday & way too early to be drinking but screw it! At this rate, I’ll be begging someone here on Wonkette for a liver by Halloween.)

  19. [re=90518]KevoTron[/re]: with white children

    [re=90517]Viva la Cynthia[/re]: is that “For The Win” or “Fuck The World” or perhaps “Fist The Wookie” ?

    In any case, Sarah’s chest is much bigger than Michelle’s.

  20. I have enjoyed Wonkette comments for a couple of years, but have never seen so many obvious wing-nuts posting messages. Someone asked last night if Wonkette had been recently invaded. I notice no one much responsed to their messages. Is that the protocol? Let me know.

  21. [re=90549]ZLN[/re]: Go back to your “old Europe” or wherever it is that all your royalty are non-fucked up, smoke the local hash, bug out, and leave me helpless Americanos alone.


  22. I love that Arizona is is only a lean despite its favorite senator being the nominee. It’s probably because of all those damn mooslem loving illegals.

  23. I’m still hoping that all of BHO’s supporters remember to go to the polls and actually vote. The “Dean Quandary” four years ago left John Kerry a mite short. Don’t forget that these states that Hopey wins will probably be by one or two percentage points. This is no landslide election (though I still contend he would have been in much better shape with HRC at his side…that would have negated Palin, forced Lieberman onto the McCain ticket as the soo-prize, etc.). State by state is looking pretty good (this far out) but I notice in today’s NYT that “no drama Obama” may be facing some challenges over staff members wondering aloud about not taking public financing and whining that fund raising isn’t going as well as it could be and that Hopey has to spend time raising money instead of campaigning, etc. It is still the Demos’ election to lose (and that is possible), so they are going to have to remain unified, on message and on the air.

  24. [re=90546]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Begging someone on Wonkette for a liver? …something about that plan strikes me as not quite right.

    The debates are coming soon, anyway.

    I, for one, cannot wait for October 2nd, the Biden v Palin cage match.

  25. [re=90533]Godot[/re]: Well,you know, that got me wonderin’ too! I’m bettin’ the snowbilly is plannin’ in moving the VEEP’s residence to Juneau. Anyone who has ever lived through a DC summer knows why. I mean, I don’t think she’d make it w/o melting.

    [re=90560]smellyal8r[/re]: Alas, this is why many of us who are vets of more than a few elections do not trust the “youth vote” no matter how vocal. It only counts when you get your lazy a$$ out of bed to vote, no matter how cold it is/how hung over you are/what test you have to take that day.

  26. Sounds like a bunch of liberal bullshit to me. We’re gonna have some COLLEGE pick our president? As Sarah Palin says like every five friggin’ minutes, “Thanks but no thanks.” Of course some college is gonna pick the well-educated, professor guy.

    We should be selecting our president based on the land mass of each state – it is, after all, the President of the United STATES, not President of Electoral Delegates or President of Voters. Therefore, I and McCain think he should win. Alaska alone is over 1 fifth the size of the rest of the states combined, which is the ONLY reason he chose Palin. Granted she has an ass like a ripe apple, but that only serves to remind McCain that he needs new denture adhesive.

  27. Electoral Votes – ALL that matters

    OH and VA – ALL that matters

    suppression and caging of young voters already happening there

    I don’t care who you are or who you love – if you want to live in a Democracy – you do what you can to make sure young people are allowed to VOTE!!!!!

  28. [re=90573]Delicious[/re]: Yup, once again this kind of bullshit will play well in the media while the bigger story of why the fuck particular troop movements are publicized goes unmentioned.

  29. H-E-L-L-O. The state (electoral) numbers lag behind the national polls.
    Therefore, the electoral numbers are obsolete.

    So, I am brand new here. What’s the deal? Do you hate Obama? (i.e. “Pathetic” and using
    that horrible picture of him with a cigarette in his mouth). You seem to want McHouses
    to lose – but WTF with the negative Obama stuff.

    Is this some kind of “Can’t get over Hillary losing” website????

  30. [re=90573]Delicious[/re]: Ummmm Biden is also sending his son off to Iraq in Oct. He’s just not using his child as a political prop. Kudos to Walnuts for doing the same.

  31. [re=90580]NOLA[/re]: Before you are banned, that is a good point you make in the first sentence, and numbers have been updated:

    But he’s still ahead on average, barely, even after the bounce, which is temporary. And you really can’t underestimate the advantages Obama has in party registration (51-38 or something) and ground organization (like 20-30 times as many doorknocks as McCain).

  32. Normally a lurker but wanted to thank EdgyDrifter guy for that post describing the impending apocalypse. Bible Spice had me wishing for one of the Ancient of Days’ depends.

    Oh and thnx wonkette for the tiny ray of electoral college hope,the first chink in the Palin’s vast northern underground Fortress of Stupiditude.

  33. [re=90585]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Treating your kids like a political prop has a long and storied past. Look at any of the of the past monarchy, hell, just look at the Hapsburgs.

  34. [re=90580]NOLA[/re]: The site is pro-Obama – it’s irony. Also, smoking cigarettes is cool.

    Regarding the polling, I’m led to believe pollsters only call landlines and not cellphones and the demographic of people who only have a cellphone is mostly younger Democratic-types, so the polling is likely to be over-egging the Republican figures.

  35. [re=90586]Delicious[/re]: Well, Beau is an attorney. That’s probably the best place for him. And if you think Palin’s son will ever be in actual danger, I have a bridge in AK for you….

  36. Oooo, I love maps. Jim, you are quite the cartographer.
    But why, oh why, when pangea was splitting apart, why didn’t Florida get attached to say, Venezuela?

    I plan on claiming Wonkette as a college/tuition/home-schooling/deduction because I learns a lot.

  37. [re=90593]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: You’re correct in that assumption. Someone leaked that top secret information to the polling houses, who will have a built-in adjustment to account for that.

  38. [re=90526]Spence[/re]: Since the legislation in question is about teaching little kids how to avoid pedophiles, I’m guessing that by attacking Obama, this makes McCain PRO-Pedophilia-Child-Molester. Quick! Somebody check and see if he’s accepted any money from NAMBLA!

  39. “You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called ‘change,'” Obama continued, “it’s still gonna stink after eight years.”

    Tell Barack Obama to leave Sarah Palin’s vagina alone.

    I’m John McCain and I approve this message.

  40. [re=90602]rambone[/re]: That alleged comment is not on video.

    Unless the campaign knows a horrible secret it intends to pop down the road, Obama is now in meltdown.

  41. I just keep repeating the matra, “The MSM would not sell ad space if they told the truth that Obama has the election locked up.” They have to make it all “dramatic” to make any money. I personally am looking forward to the Democratic landslide. I’ve always wanted to see WALNUTS cry like a baby.

    But I do have to wonder, who are they idiots who are “undecideds”? Or worse yet CHANGE their likely vote from day to day based on the last speech they saw? C’mon people! Pick a side in the revolution!!!

  42. If anything, I think the lipstick remark will pretty up this whole election.

    Seriously, did McCain bring her on to be a ferocious pugnacious bull or paranoid poodle?

  43. [re=90606]Delicious[/re]: Yes, you are correct. However, McCain calling individuals gooks and making jokes about gorilla rape are on the record.

    While Obama can argue that he was not referring to Palin, but actually referring to McCain, it is more difficult for McCain to argue that his comments were taken out of context.

  44. [re=90606]Delicious[/re]: I meant the bogus Sambo quote. And, yes, the Obama quote is on video. In *context*, it’s not explicitly about Palin, but come on.

  45. I check this site every day. Two days ago it was much more encouraging. Crrrack–that is the sound of the vodka bottle opening.

  46. [re=90623]Delicious[/re]: If you would like, I am more than happy to come on Palin. However, I refuse to come in her as she appears to be more fertile than the Nile river valley after a flood.

  47. I’ve been trying to tell my mother about the electoral college for days, now. She finally started listening when I told her the damn polls only call 1000 people are and over-freakin’ sampling republicans. So many people to hate, so little time.

  48. I’ll only believe it when TJBeck says it’s true.

    [re=90549]ZLN[/re]: Show me a country that doesn’t elect the leader it deserves and I will show you a dictatorship. Or a dodgy Florida count, at least. Print this off and, as we say in my part of old Europe, stick it up your hole xx

  49. [re=90622]rambone[/re]: The MSM refuses to go there. How does that help?

    I want Obama to win. But do we need toadies to tell the emperor his new clothes are gorgeous? Isn’t that the rap on W?

    I don’t know how Hopey overcomes these obstacles, but I am cheering for him. Not now here on Wonkette. He needs a reality check.

  50. [re=90630]wheelie[/re]: Hey, where are TJBeck’s graphs? This election won’t feel real again until I have a bottle of red in one hand and am downloading his graphs while watching some ridiculous debate.

  51. [re=90639]j6n[/re]: That makes him sound like a beach ball.

    [re=90634]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Your screenname always makes me feel mildly uncomfortable and oddly competitive. But yes, I do in fact have Rachel Maddow on.

  52. Stop hyperventilating, Dems. Stop blovating, media.

    And, go to results if election were held today:
    9/9/2008 5pm : 300 electoral votes for Obama.

    Post-convention bounce will die away. Palin has yet to face any press questioning — GOP is trying to fill her brain with points to parrot before then. But, sharpen the attacks Barry.


  53. You all may have to gird yourselves for the uncomfortable truth that we may never see another Democratic president IN OUR LIFETIMES. America just hates us so much.

  54. Just wait until Obama busts out Al Gore on a cherry picker to talk us through ice core drilling sample data of McCain’s voting record during the Mesozoic Era.

  55. Why is my state only a light, baby shower-indecisivo shade of blue? I can accept being an pansy-ass arugulabortion liberal, but a timid one? That shit’s sad.

    Drinky drinky…

  56. [re=90631]Delicious[/re]: Well there’s the problem right there.

    I went into this knowing that there was no chance in hell that America would elect a black man President. I admit that I got my hopes up a little bit a few weeks ago, but the fact that Obama is currently being demolished by a walking cadaver and a nasally voiced psycho religious extremist only reassures me that I have a decent understanding of the realities of this world.

  57. I’m proud to see justice being served. Please execute people who post their stupid goddamn lame ass mother fucking blogs.
    Respectfully Requested,

    Michelle Malkin

  58. [re=90646]El Bombastico[/re]: I think teh repubs are just so jealous of us libs and our free-wheelin’ ways. They have to stay up all hours of the night burping their 17-year-old’s babies while we blue-staters are also up, though we are snorting cocaine off strippers’ lady bits.

  59. [re=90649]ponies![/re]: Puh-leez. At least you aren’t forced to hang on with your bare fingernails to that yellow dangle in the bottom right hand corner while hurricane winds whip rednecks’ aluminum sheds and gas station signs at you like me and my kin.

  60. [re=90652]wheelie[/re]: The debates are coming up soon enough. I will start stockpiling alcohol like I’m preparing my emergency kit.

    [re=90654]j6n[/re]: Snap.

    I like watching Maddow laugh at everything she says.

  61. [re=90649]ponies![/re]: Wah wah wah. I would rather live in a baby-blue state than the menses-red hellhole I call home. At least in a state of a lighter shade you feel like you can make a difference somehow.

  62. [re=90524]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Don’t beat me — I just clicked on Wonkette’s happy donate link and gave Barry the $100.00 I had saved up for cappuccinos next week. Fucker better win or I want my coffee money back.

  63. [re=90511]columnv[/re]: Don’t diss my foreign policy experience. I live real close to Russia. Ya. I can defend the Bering Strait with a 12 gauge. Todd patrols on snowmachine. And, the more the ice melts – that’s God’s way of saying he wants us further from Godless Russia.

    I AM VP Mooseburger

  64. [re=90662]ZippyDee[/re]: My deepest, unironic condolences. WA state may have its political and geographical drawbacks, but Florida is a place wackier than that island on LOST. All that state needs is a smoke monster and a slew of wild polar bears and they could sue that show for copyright infringement.

  65. [re=90668]natoslug[/re]:
    If he doesn’t win, you’ll probably want to sleep as much as possible for the next four years.
    Call it money well spent.

  66. The good news is that none of this will matter tomorrow when the Hadron supercollider is turned on and all matter and energy in our universe is sucked into the fifth dimension.

  67. [re=90666]lazyb[/re]: Me too. I live in a pretty blue area but in a really red state (the rednecks outnumber the elite folk by a lot!). Maybe we can figure out how to do a vote swap like they did during Kerry’s …. on wait, I see how well that worked for him. Nevermind.

  68. All freakin’ day I’ve had to put up with a bunch whiny, pants-pissing libera-tards quaking in their elitist shoes about Palin. Wake up, white people! And other people, too!

    What goes up, must come down. Palin won’t be able to stay away from a mic forever. She’s already got one fuck-up under her belt, and the longer she uses that stump speech, the harder she’s going to get hit for lying her ass off. She’s a life preserver-shaped anchor.

    Can we get that AK separatist group to start a splinter org in FL?

  69. [re=90671]ponies![/re]: Many thanks. And you could not have guessed, but I moved only this year from…taaa-daaa! Seattle! So from the top of QA hill to the top of the dangle. Life is good cuz the rhum is spelt with an “h” here.

  70. [re=90681]El Bombastico[/re]: I’ve been telling people this all day, but my friend’s mom works on that project as like a supervisor. So if we all die, it’s basically her fault.

  71. Jim- umm, my house is half packed, I’ve pulled the kids from school, hubby’s found a gig overseas, we put down the dog (couldn’t travel well poor dear) and NOW you decide to calm us all down with your high falutin’ reason and math and stuff. Timing sucks. But I love you just a little bit tonite anyway.

  72. As petty as this sounds, aren’t Catholic usually considered swing voters? Then they need to go after Palin about her religious views, because if I know my evangelical nutcaes then she probably thinks Catholicism is a false religion and the pope the next best thing to the anti-christ etc. Yeah, it is petty and low but the Hopey people need to somehow show that just because someone has a religion or is a Christian doesn’t mean that their believes are healthy or inclusive.

  73. [re=90666]lazyb[/re]: I went from a racist red state to a sexist blue state and I have to say that it’s nice to know that my vote doesn’t make a difference anywhere.

  74. Holy fuck. Calm down.

    1) A Palin bounce was not unexpected.
    2) Walnuts is throwing everything he can at Hopey to see if shit will stick. Some has.
    3) Walnuts EARNED his nickname McNasty and he’s going to go the way he knows best.
    5) Anyone notice that the economy is tanking? Benefits the challenger party, not the INCUMBENT.
    6) Someone is eventually going to ask Walnuts about his “economic” plan. Aside from “Duh. Er, Tax cuts?” he doesn’t have much.
    7) Palin’s gotta open her mouth sooner or later.

    This is going to be a hard fought tough vicious election. Panicking with 2 fucking months to go isn’t going to help.

  75. [re=90690]InsidiousTuna[/re]: When I lived in Denton in 2004, I was proud to note that my precinct was like 70% blue. It was also like 90% college students.

  76. [re=90679]WagTehGod[/re]: Wait what? But doesn’t Electoral College have to adhere to affirmative action quotas??? Shit, good thing it was my safety school.

  77. [re=90694]tunamelt[/re], [re=90690]InsidiousTuna[/re], [re=90682]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:

    For the Texas-minded, I would like to direct you toward a recent Nation article that made me remember why I was proud to be Texan (it does happen occasionally). Then I remembered it was in the Nation and so maybe not taken seriously by a lot of people. But it still was fun to read:

  78. [re=90690]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Austin. Which is way cool. We have lots of teh gays, live music, margaritas, Tex-Mex food, Lance Armstrong & I once saw Ann Richards at the movie theater watching “Hunt for Red October”. Of course, I couldn’t see the movie over her huge beehive hairdo, but she was a cool broad. As much as I hate the rubes in most of TX, I love this area & would never move. That’s why Hopey must win; Canada is too freaking cold!

  79. [re=90672]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: As a breeder, I am thinking of the children. Although, if I kept the cash, that’d be $100 more in gas money to get me across the border. If I take along a couple of extra wimmins with me, hopefully I can pretend to be FLDS and blend in with the rest of the fine folks just north of me in Creston, B.C.. Damn, I sure hate my country right now. Or at least the majority of the idiots residing in it. I want a return to the good ol’ days of throwing f****ing Christians to lions.

  80. [re=90694]tunamelt[/re]: Well, I’m in Waco. Fuck me, right? At least we’ve got Chet Edwards as our Rep. And he’s a solid Obama backer (turns out he was in Barry’s top four for VP pick!). If Barry’s got a shot outside of Austin, it’s here.

  81. [re=90685]ZippyDee[/re]: No ways! Well, it’s okay. Either way you would look down on me because I’m from Tacoma. That’s why we like Florida- no one there can give us shit!!

  82. [re=90689]springfield_meltdown[/re]: I looking forward to an End of Days documentary. It would give pause to people who think government should be involved in strategic thinking and long-term planning. Unless the fiends have promised every corporate media titan a no questions asked fast-pass on the Big Rapturarama ride to Skyland; cuz then their secret will be safeguarded.

  83. Time to start the October Surprise lottery. My nominees:

    * We find out how Sarah Palin spent her spare time in college(s).
    * McCain develops Turret’s during a debate.
    * Bush invades Venezuela.

  84. [re=90706]InsidiousTuna[/re]: And Denton! Denton Denton Denton! I love Denton! Denton rocks, and I would put money on Hopey doing very well there.

  85. [re=90707]ponies![/re]: How true! Being all elistist and everything, I have been forced to learn to hold my head in a different way cuz I can no longer look down my nose at other people. On the good side, though, I can pay more attention to where I am walking so I don’t trip embarrassingly in my zany plastic flip-flops.

  86. [re=90714]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Yeah, sorry about living in Waco. I guess someone has to, right?? You got the Baylor Bears & the Brazos River & the VA center and hmmmm…. I guess that’s about it. You could always move your shit an hour south.

  87. [re=90712]WadISay[/re]: Ooh! We should take bets on political predictions- get a pool going. This beats the shit out of my fantasy football league.

    My guess: A Cindy McCain nervous breakdown/ hard-drive malfunction. Then she will befriend a cricket and become a Real Girl!!

  88. [re=90720]tunamelt[/re], [re=90719]Deserve Neither[/re]:

    Awww, we’re all watching the same shows, guys. It’s sweet, really. We should all just quit our dayjobs and start liveblogging MSNBC for our own enjoyment.

  89. [re=90718]Viva la Cynthia[/re]: I’ve only been to a couple cities in Texas. I’m way too stereotypically Southern Californian to appreciate other states. I liked Austin, though, and will keep your recommendation in mind.

  90. [re=90712]WadISay[/re]: If Bristol’s baby comes out to be half-negro, will it negatively affect Barry? like maybe people will think, “oh noes, he’s after the white wimmins!”

    We need dirty naked pictures of Pfailin shotgunning a Mickey in a soaking wet t-shirt.

  91. [re=90712]WadISay[/re]: I’m going for a more depressing prediction – McCain says he’ll only serve one term if he wins, in an attempt to swing in some more Hillary 2012 supporters.

  92. Remember Slate’s Hillary Fail Countdown (it was really a *****watch, but I don’t want the Secret Service to visit me). Isn’t it weird that that was A-OK for the primaries, but would be horrifying now?

    But if John McCain quietly slipped out the back door and sneaked off to retire to a set of islands accessible only by Cindy’s invisible plane, would the Republicans or the media notice?

  93. [re=90729]tunamelt[/re]: Lucky for me, Caribou Barbie’s shrill self blew out my eardrums during that first press conference–you know, the one where she met McNasty for the second time.

  94. Quick note about New Mexico. It’s got, jeez 2 electoral votes or whatever, but it fucked us up good last election. Anyway: thanks to the community activists and that fat gobernador you were mentioning, there are PAPER ballots this year, so suck on that, Diebold. I’d say let’s put it firmly in the Obama column.

  95. [re=90733]ZippyDee[/re]: Y’know, that’s a good point. I wonder if Walnuts is jealous that everyone seems to have a burning schoolyard crush/obsession with the Ice Princess. And poor McCain is in the back mumbling things like that socially awkward guy at the party that everyone ignores with an obvious and humiliatingly dismissive, “So, ANYWAY… Sarah! You came! And made caribou dip!”

  96. has anyone noticed that alaska on that map looks like a little hobbity troll gnome thingee leaning up against canada with his little hobbity troll gnome hand out grabbing for cash and prizes from asia?

    also, LA looks like it’s trying to goose someone.

  97. You know, I saw a lot of women on the DC Metro today with hair piled on the tops of their heads and little square glasses. A fashion trend? I don’t know, but I’m scared.

  98. It’s time for Barry to just start slapping that ass like in a bad porno, before he hammers it.

    Please, Barry? Please, Democratic Party?

    I so want them to serve the GOP their lunch on a nutsuck, but the fucking media keeps popping McCain full of viagra. What. The. Fuck.!. ?. !.

  99. [re=90739]ponies![/re]: He is an infamous attention whore, too. What else could explain his insistence on being filmed in front of green screens? In which case, he may just get his angry little tasmanian devil knickers wound up and act out to get a little focus his way.

  100. [re=90738]regisgoat[/re]: Everyone was always going on about how Richardson would help with the Hispanic vote. I hate to be obtuse, but how many people are going to think ‘yeah, he’s Mexican just like me even though his last name is Richardson’. Although I’m sure NMexicans(?) know his heritage. Get out there & blow em away, Bill. (Since Bill & Hill won’t take your calls anymore!)

  101. I hope there’s no shark jumping going on here?! I’m so outraged at this out of character hope-raising effort by Newell that after (what feels like) decades of lurkage you’ve forced me to create an id to register my angry protest. Grrr.

  102. [re=90655]rambone[/re]: Yeah, I keep on saying the same thing myself. Everytime I start thinking Hopey is going to win, I realize he’s a black man with a funny name and the reality hits me that this country will never elect a black guy with a funny name. That’s when I start drinking.

  103. Vermont is saying ‘vote’, Delaware is kinda saying ‘democrat’, Connecticut is saying ‘cunt’, Maryland is saying ‘mold’, and DC is saying, well, ‘dick’! How appropos!

  104. And just look at that evil stinger on AK! How can anyone who grew up watching Wild Kingdom or Nat Geo specials not recognize that nothing but vapid, soulless, threatening malevolence lurks!

  105. So the all knowing Chuck Todd got it on with Keithy tonite and said that when Mondale picked Ferraro, the first few weeks after were the only ones when they felt they might have a chance.

    I’m coming down from defcon 5. Feels so good to breathe again.

  106. O.K. I did the drinking part and have been faithfully watching the 538 shit, and am still thoroughly pissed off that Barry is a pussy and Hope is waining. And I just soiled my underpants.

  107. [re=90763]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Well, when you get done, get yourself a Uhaul. You’ll also have the pride of knowing you have a prestigious, religious private school (why are you a Dem?) degree to face the world with. Seriously!

  108. [re=90769]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Oh, fuck me. I’ll just post ’em:

    I live cement
    I hate this street
    Give dirt to me
    I bite lament
    This human form
    Where I was born
    I now repent



    Give me white
    Ground to run
    And foregone
    Lets me knife
    Knife me lets
    I will get
    What I like



  109. [re=90767]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oh, once I graduate, I’m getting the FUCK out of here and up to DC. Like, walking off the stage and getting in my car. I’m ready to get the hell out of this state. But Austin is a fun town, and I like to go visit it on the weekends because there’s shit-all to do here.

  110. [re=90775]InsidiousTuna[/re]: [re=90767]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Ahem….couldn’t help but overhear, but um…Denton, y’all. Why not transfer to UNT? Transferring to a different college can only get you closer to the Republican Vice Presidential nomination, for starters; plus, UNT is way cheaper and way more awesome than Baylor, and you’ll get to live in North Texas’s very own lil’ liberal enclave (outside Dallas proper).

  111. Now listen here you dirty hope-mongers! I am a lifelong Democrat and you must know that Democrats are not happy unless they are miserable losers, so don’t you dare try to rob me of my rightful morose moping with all your fancy “facts” and “figures”. Damn you, Wonkette!

  112. [re=90580]NOLA[/re]: Oh, NOLA. NOLA NOLA NOLA.

    Do you see any cat fur? Any pant suits? NO! What you smell is UNICORN HORN OIL!

    I said it this morning, mothafucaks. Bring the HORN OF PAIN. FEEL IT.


    Let the DEAD bury the DEAD. The OWL of WiSDOM fucks the UNICORN at DUSK. Here is the dance, and McPouchy McCheekpants has an empty dance card.

    God, I’m sad that Wonkette is drawing attention from the uninwonkinated at this time, at the turning of the tide. But it’ll work out. Angryblakguy will set them straight. Nellist will whip them into shape. Juli will post a photo of herself in mormon magic underwear. Cadmon the Inadequate’s cat will die. SHortshortshotsdhso will stock up on box wine.

    there are so few and yet so many of us e e cummings
    wrote peoms
    j u s t li ke this

    Jeebus. There is not enough and yet too much boxed wine in the world.

  113. [re=90784]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: The all-knowing Wikipedia says she went to USC, so…close, I guess, phonetically? I knew it couldn’t be true before I looked it up, though, because why would Beer’s Favorite Daughter attend a low-class public institution (that I love)? She’s definitely the SMU type (Laura Bush’s alma mater).

    If you are an Eagles (the band) fan, then you’ll be happy to know that Don Henley is a UNT alum, though, and if you’re an Eagles (the football team) fan, then you’ll be happy to know that the Eagles are also the UNT football team (and UNT did kind of plagiarize the Philadelphia Eagles’ mascot/logo design for quite some time).

  114. My fellow Wonketteers, when you start to feel blue about Hopey, just think about how fucking awesome it will be when he wins. You’ll have to take a week off work for the celebratory drinking alone! Champagne will rain from the heavens! There will be dancing streets!

  115. [re=90783]RuperttheBear[/re]: “Let the DEAD bury the DEAD.” What a strange fucking thing to say. Jesus said it, right? What the fuck is it supposed to mean?

  116. [re=90704]natoslug[/re]: There’s a T-shirt in the crappy t-shirt shop down my street that has a t-shirt saying “So Many Fundamentalist Christians. So few lions.” Every time I walk past it makes me happy.

  117. [re=90796]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: AAAAAooooooooh, yes, that is quite humorous. :) I made that same joke about a million times in my four years there, and yet I didn’t catch on this time? Man, I’ve been in NY for way too long…

  118. [re=90798]Whiskeybaby[/re]: You should check out Cafepress or Atheists Online. That’s where I got my ‘Jesus Loves Me But I Make Him Wear A Condom’ bumper sticker.

  119. [re=90793]Maurice Levy[/re]: Well good. Now I will go watch Nurse Ratched domineer and browbeat people in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest followed by Dawn of the Living Dead and sleep in fitfully bouts between night terrors.

  120. [re=90790]NoWireHangers[/re]: Can you imagine how much sex will be had that night? Wild, non-monogamous sex orgy!!! Lube and condoms will be paid for with all the funds left over from Hopey’s campaign donations.

  121. I didn’t read through the 100 or so comments so if someone else had this idea just disregard me. McCain is only up in the Natl polls cuz he is running up the score in the reddest of red states, while hopey is winning more e.c. votes, but by not as much in each state…does this jibe????

  122. Well, it’s a bumper sticker, so I’m sure I pissed off many people in the angry red Mexican State of Arizona. (Mexicans really dig Jesus, so do Repubs)..

  123. [re=90692]ManchuCandidate[/re]: [re=90774]S I have no freaking idea what this is about because the Wonkette Executive Branch fail to invest in post tracking functions. Just sayin’, Layne.

    Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Jeebus, I posted the Cariboooo stuff about a week ago. The wonketteers moved on to Grant Lee Buffalo about 3 days ago. Have a look.

    But thanks for the transcript. Cool.

    DC Annoid Spring

  124. [re=90807]KittyKatMan[/re]: Oh yeah, S. Austin is WAY cooler than N. Austin with all their SUVs & uptight Repubs with sticks stuck up their asses. Unfort. this is where we settled during the high tech reign in the 90s & this is where we still are. I always get a smile in my heart when I hear about the SoCo ladies of the evening. Go KUT!

  125. [re=90816]DC Spring[/re]: Sorry, haven’t been on in awhile. :)

    [re=90815]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: duh, that was to [re=90812]Whiskeybaby[/re]:

  126. I have eight dollars till payday. I’m tempted to give five of it to Hopey. Those little Maruchan Cup of Noodles are only 39 cents each, right? I can survive till then. Oh, and I have all of these saltine crackers from Wendy’s!

  127. [re=90765]irisheyes[/re]: Just to be annoying, I have to tell you that DefCon 5 is the lowest level of military readiness, and DefCon 1 is the highest. Why? It’s the way the military works.

  128. [re=90815]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: You might have a fighting chance with that on your car here in Tucson……but up in Phoenix? I bet your car gets keyed alot.

    I wonder if my wife would let us put that sticker on our car?

  129. [re=90783]RuperttheBear[/re]: I cannot but agree. Just keep it surreal, and I’ll be smoothly and lusciously satisfied.

    Disclosure : I’m shorting optimism futures, short ALL financials,; long positions in forensic accounting, food aid logistics operations, and GMO foodbanks.

    OMG misery is such a great market.


  130. [re=90824]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: No, strangely enough it’s never been keyed once. I guess I have respectful Mexican neighbors which is very cool. I live by the Macehualli Day Labor Center where Sheriff Joe and his bullshit ‘posse’ have staged media events [which is what they are] and protesters have rallied.

  131. [re=90831]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: No, it’s not. He’s a douche bag of the first order. Besides, Monica may have ruined him for any other woman (I assume you’re a chick).

  132. [re=90820]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: Another tip: Ketchup packets and water makes a nice soup. Now go give Hopey your eight bucks!
    He’ll repay you after he gets elected.

  133. [re=90828]Whiskeybaby[/re]: I’m a chick, dammit! Born and raised outside of Philly, went deer hunting with my dad, mom grew up in Hazelton, blah. And guess what? I hate Sarah Palin!

  134. [re=90835]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: oh, eww, I totally forgot about that. Damn, I KNEW he looked familiar. In my defense, I was like… a zygote when all that shit went down.

    Anyway, how about Brian Williams? I think I’m starting to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. I’m falling in love with pundits!

    [re=90838]druranium[/re]: I found this really old can of Vienna Sausages. I can add it to my tomato soup!

  135. [re=90503]Rodney Badger[/re]: Of course he will as our Obamassiah is not a jealous, rathful god like the hateful god that the evil Alaskan snow bitch prays to so he will take away teh gay. What a horrible bitch! If her prayes were answered who would do our hair, plan our weddings, decorate our homes and design our clothes? I don’t even want to think about a world without teh gay.

  136. [re=90841]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: Okay, honey, you need to get out more. Hit on the bartender, flirt with some guys in your class or at work, go shoot some pool at the sports bar. Dream about Michael Phelps or Brad Pitt or Javier Bardem–Snap out of it, Sister!

  137. [re=90834]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Sure FL is an attention whore. A trait it shares, as I have mentioned, with John McCain. You kidz nevah call us! Oh, now you notice us cuz we’re screwing with your little country running, huh? Well we don’t know which way we’re voting…we’re still looking at the buffet options and considering…hmmmm the jello looks strange. Does the jello look strange to you?

  138. [re=90841]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: What about Tweety? He’s soooo Irish-Catholically dreamy and has an awesome accent to boot!
    Also adding a touch of sesame oil, ginger, and cilantro to Ramen makes them reallly gooood!

  139. [re=90847]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: During the DNC, I remarked to my dad that Tweety’s hair was getting yellower and yellower each day. At first he was like, “girl, please,” then after a while, he was like, “zomg, you’re totes right.” also, my dad is totally gay for Olbermann.

    [re=90845]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Aww… going out means spending some cash that I don’t have. I suppose I could just ditch the bra, wear a low-cut top, and go for it. Thanks, Texan Bulldoggette!

  140. [re=90819]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Here we go dude becos lazy Exec Branch won’t do the right thing. Colossal and irritating. I’m only a couple of blocks from you Layne, get it fixed up or I’ll request a targeted discussion over lunch.

    (If you’ve the gear, crank up the bass and mids, all good then try the past post – the links should go thru)

    The relevant platinum! blathering is toward the end.

  141. [re=90818]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:
    I lived in Cedar park, I couldn’t stand the giant SUVs and fundies. Now I live next door to an Iranian-American who grows his own weed. When I hang with him on friday nights, we’re Homeland Security code red. ;)

  142. [re=90849]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: another benefit of the crazy election is that it gives you great opening lines. Saying “You look like the One” has a whole new meaning now. Ask if they have arugula in the cafeteria and someone will try to hook up with you. I’m telling you what I know.

  143. Oops, good golly didn’t make the link. I’ll have another go. Terribly difficult for a man aged 70 with a prostate probl. gotta go. It’s my only chance this week. AHHHHHHHH, Ouch. Ok, back now.

  144. I am talking to myself here, but fuck– please Gen Y, Please Elect Obama. That way I might possibly have a utopic decade in which I can enjoy life before it all goes to shit again.

  145. Ah, but Jim Newell, you leave out the weather and other acts of God, with whom Cheney Bush himself shares a party line. All 600,000 Alaska national guard are being redeployed from Irak to the Bering Straights in order to defend Ossetian oil preserves – conveniently located just after the Siberian and Kazahkstani natural gas fields.

    Defending our interests in foreign-sounding sovereign nations will bolster Governor Plain’s foreign policy curriculum vitae (actually written in Aleut), but Joe Biden will blow a gasket and say something stupid, and Barry (born in Indonesia and raised in French Tahiti) will ask the Kazahkstani minister to play a game of hoops for world peace.

    Thus, the electoral college dean of admissions will ban Barry from play on a technicality (the dean’s daughter fucked Trick Palin in the 1990s) and the score will end up 1,800 McCain, 12 Obama. Yay!!!

  146. [re=90861]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Gen Y responds: I am very concerned about the fate of our nation. Our energy independence, women’s rights, the flailing economy, corpora… oh shit! Mike just texted me a pic of this UNC chic showin’ her tittiezz!! And this YouTube video of this Japanese dude taking a dump on a game show! That shit’s hilarious! Fuckin Mike is such a fag!

    Ponies!: Thanks peers! I’ll see all of you in hell in, oh, let’s give it 3 1/2 years.

  147. [re=90789]Viva la Cynthia[/re]: I lost track of this because I had to go to a class, but USC is definitely a private school and knowing that Cindy went there freaks me out, as I love my school and also beat the Buckeyes.

    [re=90861]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: What, exactly is gen Y, because I think technically I fall under Millennial, but I see your point.

  148. Because of the lame non-vetting process, Bullwinkle-Burger-Babe really needs to prove herself to the American people. I say fuck the veep debates. Cage Match: Sarah Palin vs. a polar bear. She could wear a white fur bikini and bright baby-pig-pink lipstick. It would kill on pay-per-view. And if she survives, she gets to run for veep. If not, oh well…

  149. women want tne ..umm.. security of mccain but they are reliably erratic.
    intrade betting today is at toss up level for hopey or old yeller.
    there is no savior but i’m truly sick of republicans.

  150. I was in such a panic over the republican convention bounce, that I took my last $100.00 and donated it to Hopey. Now, I have no money for food, cigs, and booze for the week.

    Newell, you just made me realize that maybe I could have waited until the next paycheck to donate.

  151. The syllogism of Karl Rove’s playbook. To win an election, you need 50% +1 of the votes. There are more dumb people than sharp. Get all the dumb people to vote for you and you will win elections.

    Shed at tear for representative democracy.

  152. [re=90539]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I think it’s Piper who is the youngest girl. (Although Willow will be needing the info sooner than Piper, or at least I pray that is the case.)

  153. Damn. I should have stuck with this thread instead of passing out in a puddle of backwash. Oh, no, I wonder what I said in here. Fuck it… 6:30 a.m. martini.

  154. [re=90910]worstprezever[/re]: intelligence is not an (alleged) objective test. there are many people with iqs over 130, 140 who would fall in the nitwit category.

    look at einstein with a huge iq. he didn’t even know where to get a haircut.

  155. [re=90588]Jim Newell[/re]: It’s pretty jittery that Hopey blew a 49 point lead down to 13 points. I suppose we’ll see. I sort of like Pollyvote for forecasting, myself.

    Still..I’m angry! Sarah Palin is a nonentity, for the love of Plastic Jesus. What does she bring to the ticket? Three boobs, including herself! Do people remember the last eight years under a not-so-smart guy? WAKE UP, PEOPLE!

    Even my aged, sainted mother has fallen under the Palin spell. I can has DNA change?

    Ok, ok, Wonkettes should return to the regularly scheduled ass-fucking discussions. Got the message.

  156. [re=90787]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Actually, it’s in a bottle. Mouton Cadet. They were out of “Black Box” at Sentry, which says something, don’t you think?

    [re=90795]NoWireHangers[/re]: I’m wasn’t drunk. I was drinking. I’m too old to get drunk. I get frothy.

    [re=90792]Aurelio[/re]: Jeebus at Luke 9:59-62. And then Karl Marx in the intro to the 18th Brumaire, which I was thinking sums up the emergence of the McCain campaign as anything but absurd. Those who have joined the new cause have no truck with the ones left behind. So be it here.

  157. Biden has got to risk looking mean. He has to take that chance. He has to make her lose her composure. And if for no other reason than it would make me feel good he has to call her a manipulative, deluded neo-fascist and tell her to rot in Hell.

  158. Her voice is like finger nails on a chalkboard. After a few weeks of listening to her screech the polls will get back to favoring Hopey. Of course, all the white male voters could just turn down the sound and jerk off to Palin’s pretty little pinched face and some perverted moose hunting fantasy. On second thought, were fucked.

  159. [re=90855]KittyKatMan[/re]: Sigh….yes, I live in Cedar Park. The land of W/Cheney bumper stickers (although I have seen zero Walnuts) bumper stickers here this year & several Hopey ones. Interesting, but yeah, the Cedar Park ideologues suck.

  160. [re=90921]TGY[/re]: That seems to be the MO in our electorate..appeal to the lowest, “working class whites”, (read: religious rightwing nuts), intellect to win the office of POTUS, and make the election about abortion and gay marriage…that’s not change I can believe in….

  161. [re=90930]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: you think you’re fucked. try this on My birthday is 9/11. everyone is going through the re-greiving process and i WANT TO GET PISSY DRUNK AND PARTY. does anyone feel my pain? Ms. Manners are you here?

  162. Sweet Zombie Jesus you meatbags sure like to worry don’t you? Well, you shouldn’t. Govenor Mooseburger will fall faster than Freddy Mac or Fannie Mae once she holds a REAL press conference,not some soft-focus puff piece given by Charlie ‘I likes my capitol gains tax low’ Gibson. Let the 10,000 year old man and Stiffler’s Mom have thier day. Come November, it’ll be ‘Thanks, But No Thanks’. White people may like like the gentle brother, but the only thing they hate more is an empty wallet.
    Behold my mighty robo-logic!!!

  163. [re=90944]Silver Honkey[/re]: “White people may NOT like the gentle brother, but the only thing they hate more is an empty wallet”.

    First post, and I am already a complete fucktard. My mighty robo-logic has failed. Feel free to destroy me.

  164. [re=90938]lilblackcorvette[/re]:
    Well, Happy Pre-Birthday.
    Maybe if your cake wasn’t in the shape of the Twin Towers it might be a more upbeat event.

  165. Barry’s…BLACK?! I just thought he got really tan from his elitist trip to Hawaii where he picked argula and laughed about how John McCain calls women c*nts.

  166. [re=90944]Silver Honkey[/re]: I’m fully prepared to go into Election Night expecting the worst. I’m gonna drink like there’s No Tomorrow (i.e., a “victory” for McAngry and the Pitbull).

    I did a “map” that skews for America’s inherent racism and has McCain up 254-251, with Hopey needing Pennsylvania FTW.

  167. It’s good to know that Barry is doing well with the mainstream of America and the stream of consciousness of Wonkette. I like fishin’ both streams.

  168. Wow, talk about desperation.

    McCain is up 11 in Montana (see yesterday’s Rasmussen poll), up 5-7 points in Ohio, tied in Florida, tied in New Hampshire, up in Virginia, down one in Colorado, up in New Mexico, tied in Nevada and down just two points in Pennsylvania and Michigan…. and McCain is up nationally.

    You’re only hurting yourself to pretend Obama has this locked up. It’s a dead-heat race, nationally and electorally. You’re setting yourself up for a suicidal let-down.

  169. [re=90542]edgydrifter[/re]: Nice predictions… I would only add that new President Palin reams a bunch of holes in ANWR, just in time for the emboldened Alaska Independence Party to take the state in a secessionist revolt. And we’re right back where we started dependent on foreign oil… D’oh.

  170. LazyB: >>Wah wah wah. I would rather live in a baby-blue state than the menses-red hellhole I call home.<<<
    Word to your Senator. I live in UTAH, fer crissakes.

  171. I love this Blog Site. It is funny and great. I love Sarah Palin because she is a lot like me, she has balls! About time we saw somebody say what they thought and hell with being politically correct. Say it, just spit it out. That’s what I like about her. Since we can’t have Hillary, despite all her experience, the Demos threw her under the bus, this provides some relief. McCain had the balls to pick Sarah, Barrack had none. Hell with 18 million votes, I don’t need the Clintons, that’s what Gore thought. We shall see, we shall see (as I stroke my chin). One more thing, wish I could field dress a moose and I don’t know how to gut a fish either, but I am trainable.

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