Pathetic, Failed Presidential Candidate Barack Obama To Win Presidential Election

Even though the Internet has already concluded that Barack Obama lost the election after some unknown wingnut vice president lady gave one surly speech last week, we couldn't help but check out the electoral map anyway, just for kicks. Above is the fun Pollster map, and then you've got your FiveThirtyEight map, and this is a good thing to read also. Now play around with this stuff for exactly two minutes, preferably while drinking, and after those two minutes you'll realize that Barack Obama still has this shit safely locked up.

The safest route is still this: Kerry states + Iowa + New Mexico + Colorado. It seems doubtful that New Hampshire, a New England state, would go for any Republican in this particular election, even if WALNUTS! has won its primary twice. And adding a crazy fundamentalist Christian to the ticket instead of friendly neighboring Governor Mittens doesn't do much for that state's independent crowd. (Ha ha even though Mittens is a douche too.) Mittens could've significantly helped McCain in Michigan, though, because his father used to govern it, and for some reason that would have made some people vote for the smarmy devil son 40 years later. Too late now! Michigan has no freaking business voting for MCCAIN, the guy who told them in January that their jobs were never coming back. And since Michigan and New Hampshire seemed like the only two possible states to lose from the Kerry coalition, well, enough of that.

Iowa seems safe; Barry's always winning caucuses and giving speeches there, whereas John McCain has avoided the Iowa caucus entirely for each of his 850 presidential campaigns. New Mexico looks solid too, what with that fat Mexican governor of theirs, whatsisname, the one who always brags about his resume... well anyway, he's always talking up Barry on the teevee. So then Barry simply has to win Colorado, where he just threw A HUGE SEXY PARTY FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK (and also where one of those Democratic Udalls is coasting to a Senate victory). Then he wins and Sarah Palin goes back to her distant Ice Palace in terrible shame.

Or he could pull off Florida -- where the lovely old Jewish folks don't cotton much to crazy ass Governor Palin -- and fuck the rest, because if you're looking at the Pollster map, 243 + 27 = a happy number.

Or he could win Kerry states + Virginia + Iowa or Nevada or Colorado or like any other random state.

Or he could lose Colorado and instead win Nevada & Montana -- where Ron Paul is on the ballot!

And in case you haven't noticed, all of the above scenarios exclude freaking Ohio. And if you had to make a bet, in a Democratic year, well...

So look you liberal Obamatards, do not worry so much about national polls in Obama's worst week, after a Republican convention, with a new, as-yet-unquestioned lady face temporarily stealing some attention. The debates are coming soon, anyway.

The only thing worth worrying about is the Bradley Effect. By the way, did you guys hear that Barack Obama is BLACK?