Oh Jesus, What Does Ron Paul Want Now?

Look, Ron Paul, YOU WIN, FINE, YOU AND YOUR SUPPORTERS ARE GREAT, now will you please go away for a long time and play with your gold bricks, alone? Of course he won't, which is why he's making yet another "special announcement" tomorrow about some useless new thing he's cookin' up. He's almost as bad of an attention whore as Ralph Nader, who Paul has invited to tomorrow's press conference. Cynthia McKinney too! Bob Barr too! Chuck Baldwin (the Constitutional Party candidate) too! What a depressing quintet of failure.

Here's the important chunk from Ron Paul's press release:  

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA – Congressman Ron Paul will hold a press conference in the Ball Room at the National Press Club on Wednesday, September 10th at 10: 00 am. Dr. Paul will announce his intentions for the fall presidential election and will be accompanied by several special guests.

This is at least the 768th time Ron Paul has held a press conference to "announce his intentions for the fall presidential election." This month. The Wall Street Journal has more:  

With a range of third-party candidates at his side – including the Libertarian Party’s Bob Barr, independent candidate Ralph Nader, the Constitution Party’s Chuck Baldwin and the Green Party’s Cynthia McKinney – it’s unlikely that Paul will pick just one to support. But his spokesman said to expect “something of an endorsement,” with “a real effect on this fall’s election.”

That "at his side" is a little vague, but we sure hope it's meant literally and that those are the actual "special guests" slated to appear. Because then the possibilities are endless! Here are two possible scenarios.

• Paul arranges an impromptu tournament for his endorsement. In the first semifinal, he makes Barr give Nader a mustache ride. If Barr gets Nader to climax in less than three minutes, he advances, otherwise Nader advances. In the second semifinal, Cynthia McKinney incessantly shouts insults at Chuck Baldwin about his dead relatives. If he cries in less than three minutes, McKinney advances, otherwise Baldwin advances. The rules for the final are much simpler: Ron Paul grabs the nearest American flag, snaps the rod in half over his knee, and lets the two finalists fight to the death with the splintered halves. The winner gets Ron Paul's worthless endorsement. There's also a consolation third-prize match, like a hot dog eating contest or whatever. The winner of that match will get a swift kick in face from Ron Paul.

• Ron Paul welcomes his loser guests and then endorses Barack Obama. He laughs. Barry comes out and drains some 3's and throws tee shirts into the crowd. Nader finally dies.