Welcome to Wasilla, home of Famous Alaskan Vice President Sarah Palin. It’s just a sad gravel pit in the otherwise beautiful Matanuska-Susitna Valley — a place where unemployed, pregnant teens get wasted on Matanuska Thunderfuck and dragged by their single moms to fundamentalist mall churches, and then they all cook up some bathtub meth to pay the monthly tattoo bills. Join our Alaska correspondent Bill Scannell for a photo tour of America’s favorite new hometown.

The “Mistake by the Lake” is a 45-minute drive by car and 47 years by time machine from Anchorage. The major geographical features are gravel pits.

Gravel People love a blue plastic tarp, otherwise known as a “Valley Garage.”

Wasilla’s war on motherhood continues.

A whopping 142.8% of all Wasilla residents are on welfare. In the long last hours before Government Handout Day, lines of Gravel People form outside the local pawn shops, where they trade guns and truck tires for a few dollars to spend on ….

Booze. (Go Palin!)

Here’s the famous Wasilla library, housed in a former pizza shop with big ovens for book burnin’.

College: Not just for smart people!

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    We have one of those “extension” campuses in town. They couldn’t be bothered/afford to include a library for their students so they send them to my college for all their book larnin’ needs.

    And yuuuum. Pizza Parlor library. Screw Starbucks. I want a slice!

  2. I laugh to keep from crying. And because this is hysterical.

    But I do want me some muthafuckin’ sourdough’s right now.

    What are sourdoughs?

  3. Jesus Christ. My family lived in a rural village of less than 4000 people for a number of years, and I can honestly say that Wasilla makes that hick town look at least 10 times more classy and sophisticated in retrospect.

  4. True fact: Baptist University is an anagram for “The place where you skullcap is removed, your brains scooped out and replaced with two cups of sawdust gathered off the floor of Jesus’ carpentry workshop in Nazareth.”

  5. “A whopping 142.8% of all Wasilla residents are on welfare.” That would add up to…everyone in town plus more than a few corpses and fetuses.

  6. [re=89981]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: [re=89984]Terry[/re]: Most of Alaska is like that: gorgeous countryside despoiled by shitty works of man. Sarah promises to make the rest of Amurrica look like Alaska. Earmarks for everyone!

  7. Dammit. Now I’m going to have to toss my recently-purchased “Northern Exposure:The Complete Series” discs like so many AOL trial offers.

    Fuck you, Wonkette.

  8. The Library has three titles on hand– The Bible, Left Behind book 3–Nicolae: The Rise of Antichrist, and a few 1987 issues of Guns & Ammo.

  9. [re=89988]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Same here. I grew up in West Virginia. And this is the first time I have ever seen a bar hang up a sign for a shotgun wedding.

  10. The Army recruitment office and a Baptist U in one building surely ranks as one of the all time great moments in co-branding, right up there with Pizza and chicken wings.

  11. Hmmm….anyone else wonder if Levi and Bristol are registered at that Baby store? I mean, at 50% off, we could probably get her something really nice!

  12. [re=89987]magic titty[/re]:
    “What are sourdoughs?”

    Sourdough is a term for someone who has spent at least a full year there, i.e. been through the winter. They also do a lot of cooking, at least in breakfast places, with sourdough starter.

  13. [re=90008]Waveos[/re]: And cook crystal meth. Or do meth. We can’t forget that this town’s main claim to fame is their meth industry.

  14. And that’s the shelter Sarah promises at the end of the world…
    Looks like any small town in TX, but I’m sure they have pretty good BC bud over there.

  15. Do you think if you were to walk inside that bar, it would be like the inside of the Star Wars cantina on Luke Skywalker’s hick planet? Because that’s what I’m imagining.

  16. All that earmark money and not a decent building to show for it. It kind of looks like the set of Sanford and Son. They must have spent the earmark cash on meth, bullets and bibles.

  17. [re=90058]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Nah, people from all over the universe were there. I don’t think this town has a lot of fresh blood coming its way.

  18. [re=90080]PrairiePossum[/re]: I was thinking the same thing. Nice to know that our tax money is being tossed down that rat hole, while the money Alaska gets from the oil companies is distributed as welfare to the meth-headed teen bangers.

  19. As some one who spent their childhood as a townie in Angola, NY (“Buffalo’s summer playground!”)I feel incredibly cosmopolitain after seeing those photos. I feel like a Rockafeller or one of the Algonquin Roundtable. Boy get me a rye, neat!

  20. I grew up in Wasilla and lived in other (non-Alaskan) cities for the past several years, and in comparison to many places I’ve been, Wasilla is not a bad town. It is quite sparsely populated, and there is not much to do unless you enjoy outdoor activities, but it is certainly not a dump. It should be obvious that if you only present the worst parts of a town, then of course it will appear deficient in every way. I’m sorry to sound defensive, but I would appreciate it if you could please refrain from placing us all in the same category with Palin and her nonsense just because we happen to share a hometown.

  21. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]: mrow. i guess satire is off limits here at the wonkette.

    i dont disagree with your point, but look where you’re making it?

  22. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]: I’ve been through Wasilla a couple of times and totally agree – it’s just your typical small town – but the valley is really breathtaking – as is most of the rest of Alaska.

    I always knew the place was like New Jersey – run by thugs. But I had no idea it was currently run by a crazy thug!

  23. Alaska has a resource exploitation economy. You know–mining, lumber, fishing, oil drilling, (apparently) stone quarrying, hunting and trapping. Folks are drawn there to just take anything of value from the land and sea. The people who invest and get rich doing this, typically don’t live there. The people who work in these places are not drawn there for the natural beauty. They are there, living in trailers and shacks, workin’ hard, playin’ hard and prayin’ hard, because it is all they can do. Not exactly a knowledge-based economy.

  24. [re=90030]blader[/re]: And the Alaska Communications System all rolled into one. It is a trick. You think you are going to church or to pay your phone bill and you are actually enlisted in the Army. Now that is rollin Palin style!

  25. Part 2 of resource exploitation economy–I really don’t want someone whose entire life experience and worldview is based on Alaska to be a heartbeat away from the presidency. Can you imagine what she might do? Absolutely chilling.

  26. Man, if she spent all that time and money avoiding spending time in Juno, what the hell does that look like. I don’t know about you, but if I grew up there, I would have stayed in University of Hawaii forever or run to the biggest city I could find. Mexico City for example. Or Johannesburg, or basically any 3rd world city with a population of over 50,000 I’ve ever been to.

    How can people be so pro-american (or small town american) when they live in that kind of squalor. Seriously, I have to go to some really shitty places – like open sewer kind of shitty – and they have more class than that.

  27. DOES ANYONE get the feeling there has been a small scale invasion here the last few days? I’m all for newcomers, but has Wonkette been added to the Walnuts-Intertubes-BloggerChat-for-Crappy-Golf-Gear-contest?

  28. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]:
    Oh, please. Stop taking yourself so seriously. My home and interests are mocked ruthlessly on Wonkette. So what? So is everything else. That’s how the site is, and that’s why I hang around here. That and the buttsecks with Ken, of course. (Don’t deny it, Ken!)

  29. Ease up, WarmSmelli..

    We’re all from shitholes! I just wish one of the smarmy cheerleader types I grew up with could make the topend of a lowend Republican ticket!

    Meet me at the Mugshot! I’ll buy yew a cold PeeBeeArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

    We’ll get a tattoo, and then hit the Liberry for some boning up on Garden and Gun..

    ‘Boning up’…that’s hitting the (ahem) ‘books’ Wasilla-style, baby!

    ‘Course..boning sidelong aint halfbad, either..

    Gotta go! Don’t want to be late for my course on Global lukewarming at Waylon and Willie U!

  30. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]: To be fair, 90% of small towns in this country look like Wasilla. Rare exceptions from the backyard of my mind are Woodstock, NY and Provincetown, MA. But I don’t see a former Mayor of P-Town running for VP in the near future…

  31. I go to a Baptist university, too, although it’s possible to gain a Reputable Education here. (Baylor University in Waco, Texas)

    (Kill me please)

  32. next time, please make sure you get the trucks in the phots, full frame. I’m sure there’s some kind of doctoral thesis around the trucknutz to welfare ratio in snowbillz land. or even trucks to guns ratio

  33. Meh. I’m originally from Bakersfield, CA. More than 5 times as big, same kind of corrupt idiot bullshit. Wasilla on a grand scale, only in the Mojave.

    Any which way but loose…

  34. I hear the local quarries are having to shut down now that they don’t have access to Palin’s kegels of steel, which they used to crush rocks into gravel. Anyone who could hold in a baby for an 11 hour flight could squeeze out a couple of tons of gravel an hour.

  35. Wow. There IS a shittier place in America than Cosmopolis, WA. I didn’t think it was possible. Scranton, PA must look like a slice of heaven to these poor stumpfuckers. The whole Mat-Su valley is like an interactive ad campaign for meth-fueled suicide.

    Now I totally understand why Caribou Barbie charged the state $50 bucks a night to stay in Wasilla. I would have demanded far more.

  36. Yea, maybe. But the posted photo was actually taken outside of a building housing a biker bar, a tatoo parlor, and Obama’s Scranton, PA campaign office……

  37. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]: Hey, people talk shit on my home town all the time. Did I mention I was born in DC?

    Did I also mention that its never actual Washingtonians they are complaining about. Its the fuckers from every other godamm part of the country except Washington DC who are screwing it up. We dont got no vote, bitches! Its all your fault!

    My hometown is shit, your hometown is shit, but only I get to talk shit on my hometown.

  38. [re=89993]UncleTrig[/re]: Seriously, these sad pics make Ft Walton Beach look like fucking Boca Raton…. there might be towns in Florida that look that depressing and shitty, but they’re inland, and nobody with half a head goes to inland Florida…. there’s only rednecks, meth labs, and big flying bugs there. Hmmm…. that does sound a lot like Buttfuck, Alaska….

  39. I think that if you try to live in Alaska other than as the natives always have you will go crazy. I mean, dissociated from the land and sea; its rythyms and seasons. If you live like white people try to, you become part of that ‘resource exploitation’ economy a previous commenter described. Soon you’ll want to start shooting things, for the same reason people with borderline personality disorder start cutting themselves, just to feel something.

  40. It looks like the eastern suburbs of Portland, where you alternately point at losers and laugh, or point and losers and then lock the doors and drive fast because they try to kill you or sell you meth.

  41. [re=90143]wanmeili[/re]: My town looks like crap too. BUT MY EX_MAYOR IS NOT RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT! go to FOX. COM. WE don’t want “your kind ” here!

  42. [re=89974]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I note that you said “Book”, singular, as in the Bible. The only book in the Wasilla public library, thanks to Palin.

  43. [re=90470]TeddyS[/re]: Is that the kind of prosperity we should expect as a nation? Cuz I’ll be moving to Paraguay, where everything rides on cattle and soccer.

  44. I’m sure I’ve wandered into the wrong-wrong blog, seeing as how I’m pretty conservative, and might even vote the McCain-Palin ticket.

    But…just a small thought while Wonkettee and her readers are having great fun with pix of the highs and lows of Wasilla, Alaska — so down-market, so blue (or is it wrong collar?), so non-green, so pre-fab, so Our Townish, so Lawrence Welk.

    I wonder — and heads-up to all web-savvy bloggers, PhotoShop and digital imagery gurus — who among the Wonkette bloggers – if pix of Wasilla and environs were shuffled in with pix of rural towns in Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Virginia — I wonder who among Wonkette readers could pick out the Wasilla pix from the other states? No need to wonder – I’m confident you could ALL spot the Wasilla structural embarrassments (it’s the green stuff, ya know the trees and shrubs, that gives it away).

    But …here’s the big catch…how sure are you that folks living in the same pre-fab/blue collarvilles in the lower 48 swing states are not equally infected with the Palin virus – and the pandemic spreading even while we’re having great fun thanks to Wonkette? The wonderment really is: people who live in pre-fab houses often throw stones! (and sometimes even bigger stuff!!!). No matter, with your skills at filleting Wasilla imagery from Ohio species, you’ll know just which houses will need a lift to the polls come November, and save gas in the bargin.

    Verily, by their aluminum siding and pink flamingo lawn birds ye shall know them. Now, who’s got those pix of the habitations where the Ohio dummies, and the Michigan retards are holed up – let’s keep the good times rolling.

  45. [re=90493]Eno-2008[/re]: So… you’ve already sent letters to the Daily Show and Colbert Report, admonishing them for mocking Wasilla at length, right?

    And on the eighth day, God invented satire, so that us yuppie blue state liberals could survive.

  46. [re=89987]magic titty[/re]:Growin up in the 907, my dad used to say that a “sourdough” is someone who’s sour on Alaska, with no dough to get out (yes, it was my dad’s joke, and from the 70s. So it’s not that funny).

    Sourdough: someone who’s been in Alaska or the Yukon over one winter, generally.

    Cheechako: the opposite of a sourdough. Not a term of endearment.

    Chilkoot Charlie’s: A bar in the Spenard district of Anchorage, where “we screw the other guy and pass the savings along to you.” Now the motto of the GOP.

  47. [re=90411]edgydrifter[/re]: Get up north often? (Didn’t think so.) Drive five miles out of Wasilla and you’re smack in the middle of Alaska, mofo. On a clear day (doesn’t happen often) Denali (or as the lower 48ers call, it Mt McKinley) looks so close that you think you can reach out and touch it. There’s freakin’ glaciers near Wasilla. Yes, all manner of small towns (Granite Falls, WA, Susanville, CA, Reno, NV [ha!]) look like and are shitholes. But some shitholes are near some really cool stuff.

    And, besides, some Alaskans think that bars like the Mug Shot are local color. Or a necessity of life. Your mileage may vary.

    Plus, with long summer days they grow zucchini in the valley that are bigger than a horse’s ….. tail. So, it’s not all bad. And Anchorage is damn near as ugly as Wasilla (at least in the commercial areas), but the traffic is worse, for sure.

  48. I wish you bunck of DOG Rockets would shut the HELL about Sarah Palin, McCain is pulling away from me in the Polls.
    This is due in part by the SLEEZE BAG LIBERAL PRESS printing every kind of BULL SHIT imaginable in every issue and hammering this Sarah Palin on CNN<<<<<<<< and almost every other Sleezy Liberal News Net Work in America.
    Sarah Palin might have just passed by unnoticed, BUT NO the LIBERAL pig shit media can’t shut up about her, now, well NOW she is a dam National Treasure.
    This makes me so dam mad I might as well become a REPIGLICAN my self. I’m white enough now how the HELL do I get me some of them MORALS and a backbone.

  49. [re=90536]DangerousLiberal[/re]: OK, I’ll defer to you on this one. The entirety of the Mat-Su Valley is probably not, as I stated, an “interactive ad campaign for meth-fueled suicide.” I will reserve that description solely for those specific locales depicted in the photos above.

    And maybe–maybe Wasilla is not a shithole of the same magnitude as Cosmopolis, WA. But I daresay it is absolutely shittier than Ukiah, OR.

  50. All right, I apologize for being overly sensitive, but I think if you have the right to ridicule something based on very limited information (which, I agree, is indeed your right), then I have the right to defend it to the best of my knowledge.

    Most people in Wasilla are not like Sarah Palin et al.; likewise, most of our town is not what you would expect from the pictures presented above. It makes me sick that Palin is so close to a federal-level executive office, and I hate to see a place I love judged harshly mainly on the basis of her association with it. You can argue the validity of that last remark if you so choose, but I think it’s fair to say that this is what is happening.

    Carry on, if you please. I will deflect further flaming with my igloo power.

  51. [re=90493]Eno-2008[/re]: Alaskan greenery is quite distinct from that of Ohio and has far more poplar trees as recall. Oh and mountains. Furthermore, I’ve lived in Ohio and Wasilla is no small town Ohio. You usually have to go to a big city like Lima or Dayton if you want to get a tattoo of your sweetheart’s name on your finger. Also, thanks to Gov. Rhodes there are plenty of universities and community colleges in OH so you don’t have to go to a fly by night Baptist one.

  52. [re=90571]edgydrifter[/re]: Hey, don’t get me wrong–while the entirety of the Mat-Su is not a gihugic meth-lab, they hold their own on the “time to cook with sudafed” front.

    Oh, and fun fact/anecdote/total bullshit. Back in the 1970s, in my youth, the courts basically held that the AK Constitution’s privacy clause (with the word privacy in it and everything, ratified in 1972) covered the possession of “personal use” amounts of marijawana for one’s smoking (or cooking, I guess) pleasure. Well, three dudes in the valley had a greenhouse and were producing copious amounts of the kind bud, and got busted for their efforts. Word was that they had a giant benefit cookout in the valley, raised mucho dinero, and hired a mouthpiece who persuaded a court that the dozens (hundreds) of pounds they had between the three of them were really for their personal consumption, not for resale. Perhaps the ruby red eyes and the entirely flat affect were the giveaway? Maybe these dudes were responsible for half the commercial buildings in Wasilla. It all makes sense.

    At least, that’s what we heard in high (heh heh) school in Anchorage. Probably a big ass (not so) urban myth.

    And perhaps I was too quick to defend the Valley generally (Valley Trash, some have called them). It’s just that it’s so close to Alaska, and once you subtract the people and blue tarps and gravel pits (or gra-VELL pits? Hmmm) it’s an awfully pretty place.

    The same may be true of Cosmopolis. Funny, I forgot where that was, found it, and noticed it was next to Aberdeen. If it’s half has shitty as Aberdeen, then….then it’s shittier than Wasilla.

  53. I remember that dumpster? I paid this drunk girl to give me a BJ back there. She needed money to finish a tramp-stamp on her lower back. I’m sure she said was 18 but it was hard to understand her for obvious reasons. She kept saying something like, “mumumm ed gubbner” or something like that. I wonder whatever happened to her?

  54. [re=90493]Eno-2008[/re]: There are few enough of them (folks living in the same pre-fab/blue collarvilles in the lower 48 swing states) that the votes from the newly energized urban masses–known as “coloreds” or “Negroes” to you–will more than cancel them out.

    Meanwhile continue to slap your dick on the keyboard while a loop of Gov. Shitforbrains plays on your screen.

  55. Uh, is this microphone on? Testing…testing? Thanks. I just want to add that Richmond, California, is a genuine shithole hosting a Chevron refinery, a whopping drugs and unemployment problem, and loads and loads of homicide committed by ADD and asthma-ridden kids barely old enough to clutch an AK-47. In good conscience, I cannot point the finger at Wasilia. But Sarah Palin is still history’s greatest monster. Thank you.

  56. [re=90493]Eno-2008[/re]: Umm, not sure what you are talkin about but we’d probably be making just as much fun of Snowbilly regardless of what shitville she’s from

  57. I love you Wonkette, but u r bitchin to the choir here and making Palin the devil is NOT the way! I’m already bored with the one-sided nature of the discussion here. Be more politically creative (so we can get on cnn): She has attention!!! In The US; don’t poop upon her! Show what she’s about and why her policies don’t abide with yours, and everyone I know!!! At this point, you’re as questionable as her. I am exhausted by flabs and poops upon her that might be disputed! Someone smarter than me must post facts on this bloggy thingy. otherwise shut up, no lie, but shut up.

  58. Dear God, I could cut the condescension with a knife. Thank you all for fitting into the usual stereotype of the clueless, over-educated, small minded liberal.

    Keep up the good work.

  59. Seeing as how the last comment made on this piece of ignorant bullshit about my hometown is a year-and-a-half old, I guess I have come by too late to do any good.

    But if anyone should happen upon it and go through the comments and make it all the way down to mine, then please, come to my blog and you will see that while everything pictured here does exist, so too does a whole lot more.

    And for the record, I have never voted for Sarah Palin, but I did vote for Barack Obama.

    Here is my blog:

    And here is the post that covered Sarah Palin’s hometown book signing:

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