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MISSING PERSONS

A Children’s Treasury Of Paranoid Speculations Regarding The Whereabouts Of Andrew Sullivan

Server upgrade?The most prolific blogger ever in the history of mankind has been dark since yesterday, and anxious readers have come up with a bunch of creative explanations far beyond his colleague Marc Ambinder’s simple and obvious, “He’s taking a couple days off.” Join us as we enter the dark labyrinthine souls and speculations of Sullivan readers…

From comments on the blog of our new best friend Matt Yglesias, who did not write back when we politely asked him “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SULLIVAN, YGLESIAS??”:

  • …[H]is last two posts were very cryptic - the “your move, McCain” link to the NYTimes fluff piece about Trig’s birth, then the “View from my window” picture of foliage blocking any outside view from the LA house, so maybe there is something going on.
  • Ross Douthat posted “Because everyone could use a hug right about now” about a lion hugging youtube at 3pm yesterday. And nothing since.
  • I blame Ned Lamont’s minions.
  • It is odd that the view from the window is blocked and I looked forward to the views that always seemed to show the horizon. That view is symbolic, but hard to know if it is his view or directed to others.
  • I don’t buy Ambinder’s assurances. I think Sullivan was getting too close to the truth, and they sent him to some sort of reeducation camp for out of line conservatives (sort of like what they did to Zoolander).

So, Andrew Sullivan has been kidnapped by John McCain and is being held in a sex-dungeon in Los Angeles, where he will be “reprogrammed” as a right-wing male model. Either that, or space monsters have taken our Andy back to space. (Probably the likelier explanation, given the photo and all.)

Posting will resume shortly.

Andrew Sullivan [Matthew Yglesias]
Andrew Sullivan [Marc Ambinder]


1:17 PM on Tue September 9 2008
By Sara K. Smith
6667 Views

  1. shortsshortsshorts says at 1:21 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Fuck ya!
    From Wikipedia:
    “In May 2001, Village Voice columnist Michael Musto said that Sullivan had anonymously posted advertisements for bareback sex (anal sex without a condom) on America Online and the now-defunct website barebackcity.com.[52] An archive copy of the advertisement is still available. [53] Subsequently, the American journalist and activist Michelangelo Signorile wrote about the advertisement in a front-page article in the New York gay magazine LGNY, igniting a storm of controversy.[54] Later, in a defiant blog post titled Sexual McCarthyism: An article no-one should have to write, Sullivan confirmed the allegations while arguing that the matters covered by the controversy were private and should not have been put into the public domain by his critic”
    ___________________________________________

    Sullivan has been consistently behind true conservatives, and their values.

  2. shortsshortsshorts says at 1:25 pm, September 9th, 2008

    This guy is like fucking christmas, because I think he would literally fuck christmas:

    In Sullivan’s book Love Undetectable, he wrote:

    “Although I never publicly defended promiscuity, I never publicly attacked it. I attempted to avoid the subject, in part because I felt, and often still feel, unable to live up to the ideals I really hold.”

    Wikipedia is my best friend in the world.

  3. StrangelyBrown says at 1:25 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Well, he’s back, and it turns out he was just having teh buttsecks and couldn’t bring himself to sit down long enough to write any blog posts. Draw your own conclusions, folks…

  4. The Real JR Revisted says at 1:27 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I’m voting for him still stuck in line at the Starbucks waiting for the Barista to come back with soy milk.

  5. I don’t know Andrew Sullivan. And I don’t want to.

  6. WoundedVeteran says at 1:29 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Sara K.,

    What has happened to youtube?? Even my throwaway account can’t get in.. Thoughts anyone??

  7. V572625694 says at 1:30 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Remember when Sully was a Paultard? Those were the days.

  8. Political Addict says at 1:31 pm, September 9th, 2008

    He’s just out back with his Magic 8 Ball writing up new columns.

  9. He got his head stuck in the toilet at a gay bath house and they are trying to flush him out with a plunger.

  10. Texan Bulldoggette says at 1:37 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I bet he’s on a plane to Wasilla. Mother’s Sarah’s church is having a ‘cure the gay’ prayer-pollooza this weekend. He wanted to get a good seat.

  11. tunamelt says at 1:37 pm, September 9th, 2008

    He lives in LA?

  12. choinski says at 1:38 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Perhaps he drove with the Beagles out to a vast field on the outskirts of Provincetown, he got out of the car, wandered a bit, and then the Beagles sped off, leaving him ‘at the farm’ or something.

  13. Johnny Zhivago says at 1:41 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I think he had too many windows on his page and that caused his PC to crash.

  14. Well, I’m glad this non-crisis resolved itself in record time or non-time or virtual time or whatever. This is why cops refuse to respond to missing person requests if someone is gone only overnight. Gotta be gone for SEVENTY-TWO AND A HALF HOURS, ALAN!

  15. Preppy Bastard says at 1:45 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I heard he had checked into rehab for “exhaustion” after The Atlantic editors told him to stop dragging their publication down to the level of the Weekly World News.

  16. Canmon (the Inadequate) says at 1:47 pm, September 9th, 2008

    He’s off with Kim Jong Il in the Changbai Mountains.

    http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/

  17. SayItWithWookies says at 1:51 pm, September 9th, 2008

    He’s already back? Damn. I was about to note that there’s someone else who’s gone missing today, and that was Kim Jong Il. Then I was hoping the two of them would show up in a Mexican resort hotel with some crazy kidnapping story to cover their unbridled homosexual lust, a la my favorite fundamentalist crazy, Aimee Semple McPherson.
    Ah, well — tomorrow is another day.

  18. trondant says at 1:53 pm, September 9th, 2008

    shortsshortsshorts: Sullivan has been consistently behind true conservatives

    Truer words and all that.

  19. norbizness says at 2:13 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I don’t know that I’ve ever seen such a collection of absolutely useless fuckbiscuits than the blogger lineup at The Atlantic. So I don’t really care, is what I’m saying.

  20. blackdontcrack says at 2:14 pm, September 9th, 2008

    What, you guys weren’t invited to the two-day bareback bash at the Eagle?

  21. Serolf Divad says at 2:38 pm, September 9th, 2008

    He’s back! And it appears the mutherfucker has decided to hoard the Sun’s last few rays of light and plunge humanity into a Hell of eternal darkness! Damn, you Sullivan! Damn you to heck!

  22. sanantonerose says at 2:41 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Best pic and alt text ever.

  23. Heh, he’s spending time with his husband. Take that fundies!

  24. NotLaughing says at 3:26 pm, September 9th, 2008

    <—not laughing

  25. Saw him in a Wasilla dumpster trying to score dental floss and diapers for matching DNA tests. Told him to check it against John Edwards too. That boy gets around.

  26. YellowSnow says at 3:30 pm, September 9th, 2008

    What is buttsecks? I remember Walnuts saying something about very gayz overlords in ‘nam. Is he getting his hair back in shape to win me over?

  27. Harvey Birdman says at 3:42 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Drama queen.

  28. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez says at 7:02 pm, September 9th, 2008

    Drama Queen for sure, but I admit to dropping by her site at least once daily. Righteous indignation is like calisthenics for the soul.

  29. S. Cullen Bonz says at 7:06 pm, September 9th, 2008

    I know some people enjoy there own farts, but come on already!

  30. regisgoat says at 7:27 am, September 10th, 2008

    Is that really him with a CPAP mask on? He’s more machine than man!

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