annals of birthing

Definitive Sarah Palin Pregnancy Timeline From Publication Of Record

Might as well jumpWell here you have it, the final word on Sarah Palin’s pregnancy and birthing from renowned obstetrics journal the New York Times. The biggest shocker: Trig Paxon Van Palin really was given that name because it sounded like “Van Halen.” THAT IS NOT EVEN A JOKE, THAT IS AN ACTUAL FACT IN THIS JOURNALISTIC ARTICLE. How can America trust Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the presidency when she names her youngest child after an 80s hard rock band?

There are still many weirdnesses and head-scratchers to this story, such as the part where she “disguised” her pregnancy with uh COLORFUL SCARVES. Plus the alarming million-year trek back to Alaska from Texas and and and. Whatever, just look at the comments to the story, for larfs.

Fusing Politics and Motherhood in New Way [New York Times]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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84 comments

  1. Borat

    Does Van Halin have any have any Satanist connotation? I am getting obsessed with the GOPs use of Satanic music. What are they trying to tell us?

  2. TGY

    Kids these days.

    On the other hand, the Palin kids will give John McCain somebody to yell at for getting on the White House lawn. We’re only missing apple pie.

  3. Yaybuls

    [re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Interestingly enough, “Runnin’ With the Devil” was going to be the campaign slogan for the formerly rumored McCain/Lieberman ticket.

  4. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    Oh, NY Times commenters…..

    I too am waiting several months to announce the news because I dread all the well-meaning but annoying comments from people (i.e. “Was this an accident?” “Has anyone told you how human reproduction works? ha ha

  5. Cape Clod

    ‘some accuse her of exploiting Trig for political gain.’

    Why would anybody think she was doing that, other than the fact that she paraded around with a four month old child with special needs, late at night, on a national stage in front of a roaring crowd under hot lights?

  6. BillyT

    She FAKED her pregnancy to cover up for Bristol’s first baby, Trig. Otherwise there’s no reason anyone would look slim at 7 months pregnant, and no reason to fly all the way back to Alaska to “give birth” (she flew back because Bristol’s water broke, not her own water!!).

  7. BruceLee5000

    [re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: FTW!

    And she’ll be a hawk for State’s Rights to set their own speed limits above 55 mph!

  8. Terry

    All snark aside, Palin put her speech in Tx and her desire to give birth in AK over the potential well being of her child. Why is this noble or a sign of her toughness? The baby should have trumped the stupid speech.

  9. Serolf Divad

    Well, at least it’s nice to know that my having named my daughter Marylin Manson Divad does not disqualify me for VP.

  10. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=88280]Cape Clod[/re]: …passing that child around like a sack of potatoes to anyone who wanted to hold this very special gift from God.

  11. snig

    “And on Wednesday in St. Paul, she proclaimed herself a guardian of the nation’s disabled children.”

    Talk is cheap. She’s still a rookie. The kid’s delay is not really appreciable yet. Some special needs schools cost 50k or more per year. If you’re not a strong advocate of public schools, it’ll be one hell of a waiver that lets the average parent afford that.

    Would like to hear how lowering taxes will help pay for social services. Also, the EPA and the FDA favoring industry over health concerns has not helped kids health.

    Lead (acquired from sucking toys or paint) used to be considered the most common cause of developmental delay. Business was trusted to watchdog this and failed.

    How’d she do as governor on this? You’ll be shocked to hear not so well…

    http://momocrats.typepad.com/momocrats/2008/09/sarah-palin-sla.html

  12. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    But she had a steady diet of brewer’s yeast, wild carrot, black cohosh, slippery elm, pennyroyal, nutmeg, mugwort, papaya, vervain, common rue, and tansy. After 7 months of abortifacient herbs, she had to announce.

  13. loudmouthredhead

    [re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: See, I thought originally it reflected a love for trigonometry. I was all ready to respect her an’ evry’thin!

    Anyone else wonder if she was, at some point in the convention, going to dangle the child out of a window like Michael Jackson? OR that we were going to see tabloid shots of Bristol feeding him? Bleh.

  14. loudmouthredhead

    [re=88294]snig[/re]: It’s like what the Daily show pointed out: Sarah just wants her family to have choices that she wants to take away from everyone else.

  15. jinmoom

    It’s sad that the reasons we make fun of her are the exactly same reasons why some people will vote for her.

  16. superfecta

    [re=88296]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: Ah, I’m glad someone else enjoys knowing about abortifacient herbs! Fennel can help too. Obviously we’ll all need to know once our christian overlords seize control.

  17. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=88304]jinmoom[/re]: The reasons that we make fun of Our Hopey are the same reasons that we will vote for him.

    We are incredibly fair.

  18. NoWireHangers

    Fuck the NYT. I want to hear what the Enquirer has to say about Caribou Barbie and her breed. I want eviscerating dirt and scandal on Palin and I wanted it yesterday! I want her destroyed. This idiocracy has got to end.

    While it’s only one poll, and there’s a margin of error, that Gallup/USA Today thing has me a bit keyed up.

  19. WadISay

    [re=88274]Borat[/re]: Even more shocking, if you turn Palin’s t-shirt upside down, you will see…the zip code of The Beast.

  20. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=88310]superfecta[/re]:

    Soon to be banned . . .
    Beer
    Eggnog*
    Gray’s Papaya
    Licorice

    *So how do you get high from nutmeg?
    I ate a whole can in high school after reading about it in Malcon X. It only made me puke.

  21. Terry

    [re=88291]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Giving her that name will, however, mean that you’ll have to put bars on the windows of her room to keep her from becoming a groupie at age 14.

  22. Carrie_Okie

    This just makes me want to look for a youtube of Ted Nugent having that wardrobe malfunction with the chainsaw.

  23. Servo

    Wait til that child gets sick from being dragged around the country during the cold and flu season. We’ll see how the soccer moms react to that.

  24. mookworthjwilson

    [re=88317]WadISay[/re]: Or Topeka, KS-http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=66601&ie=UTF8&ll=39.049036,-95.677807&spn=0.007699,0.013733&t=h&z=16&iwloc=addr Which afterall is hell on earth…

  25. nbawriter

    Let’s go National Enquirer … there HAS to be a picture of Sarah Palin, fresh off her runner-up finish in the beauty pageant, serving as groupie hood rat for David, Eddie and the boys.

  26. Q2

    [re=88294]snig[/re]: My wife teachs head-bangers including one child who suffers from Lesch-Nyhan, a rare genetic (and uncurable) neurological disorder that often compels its victims to self-mutilate, even when they understand that doing so causes them harm. They eat themselves alive: no bullshit. Depending on the severity of the disability, the cost to educate some of these children exceeds $100,000 a child. In my simple world, if you know you are going to give birth to a handicapped child and you decide to carry that child to term, you should bear the direct additional cost of the choice you have made. Therefore, if the cost to educate little Nathan Normal is $10,000 a year and the cost to educate little Henry Headbanger is $50,000 a year then the parent bears the $40,000 difference, not the taxpayer. This is pro-choice, with a twist! The twist being personal responsibility for one’s decisions. This sounds heartless and absolutely Repugnantcan eh? JUST SAY NO!

  27. loquaciousmusic

    [re=88326]Q2[/re]: More importantly, she should have known the risks of becoming pregnant at age 43. My mom had me when she was 40, in 1979; I weighed 2.1 lbs. at birth and was born at 27 weeks gestation.

    Granted, if my mom had had ZEE ABORTIONZ, I wouldn’t be commenting on Wonkette today. But my mom isn’t going around announcing how proud she is that she decided to “keep” me.

    If Sarah Palin wants us to stop talking about her dysfunctional family, she’d better make the first move.

  28. lilblackcorvette

    [re=88313]NoWireHangers[/re]: These are strange days. We are actually waiting for the ENQUIRER to break a story. That’s so ironical!

  29. Strictly for the Tardcore

    [re=88324]nbawriter[/re]: If she was a groupie, I think it’s pretty decisive at this point that it was for Van Halen.

    On another note, there’s an article that the posted article links to that has a Rebuttlickan talking head bemoaning how Americans are moving towards voting Democrat. My favorite part is his lamentation that the most well-educated states in the nation vote lib’rul, i.e. the portion of the electorate that was built up off of education and the market no longer votes being the part of the market and, uh, “education” (when the hell has that been a conservative platform!?!?).

    Hey, asshole? If ALL OF THE SMART PEOPLE are voting one way, and you’re NOT, there’s a good chance you are WRONG, or STUPID, or more probably BOTH.

  30. Strictly for the Tardcore

    [re=88338]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Disregard the first part of my post, I’m still half asleep. And an idiot.

  31. nbawriter

    [re=88338]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Uh, David, Eddie and the boys are Van Halen.

    Child #8: Kandy Stryper Palin

  32. JamesMichaelCurley

    STAT OF THE DAY:

    Four Arizona politicians, including John McCain in 2000, have run for president. All lost.

  33. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=88317]WadISay[/re]: I also see “AWAKENS ERA” in the letters, leaving O,H and L which clearly means “Obliterate Harmful Left”.

  34. lilblackcorvette

    [re=88333]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Sensei, I sit at your feet when I want a well though-out answer.

    What if barry really does use that as a tagline line. “The Republican Party. They Think You’re Stupid” What do you think would be the effect?

  35. Cape Clod

    [re=88313]NoWireHangers[/re]: The Enquirer would be a more helpful journalistic venue to publish dirt on Palin. The people who read the Enquirer are the one’s who will happily vote for her.

  36. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=88385]Rush[/re]: I wouldn’t count on it. As far as I can tell, war is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

  37. mookworthjwilson

    [re=88332]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I bet they misheard her…she acutally said “Sammo beat the itch”, referring to Sammo Hung, star of CBS’s Marshal Law, and his victory over jock rot.

  38. thefrontpage

    But Van Halen did give us the following songs, which in the context of the current presidential race, might just mean something:

    “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”

    “Hot For Teacher”

    “Jump”

    “You’re No Good” (yes, a cover)

    “Pretty Woman” (yes, a cover of Roy Orbison’s original)

    “Runnin’ With the Devil” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

  39. sanantonerose

    Have y’all SEEN Eddie Van Halen lately? Looks like he was chewed up, digested, then pooped out by a camel.

  40. sanantonerose

    [re=88306]Godless Liberal *[/re]: I’m sure such a timeline would involve bear grease, jumper cables, and a saddle.

  41. azw88

    Maybe Eddie and his sone Wolfgang will re-write “Hot for Teacher”…
    Possible titles:
    “Hot for Vee-PILF”
    “Hot for Bristol”
    “Hot for McCain’s un-vetted veep-wannabe”
    “Hot for the Not Joe Leiberman pick”
    “Hot for the AIP”
    “hot for the cold-hearted bitch form the frozen tundra”
    “Hot for teaching abstinence-only”
    “Hot for….” Help me out here, folks..

  42. CivicHoliday

    WTF?! She didn’t tell her family (parents and kids) she was pregnant until the third trimester, and didn’t tell ANYONE that the baby had Down Syndrom until after it was born??? In my family, imperfect as we are, we SHARE information with each other, good and bad. If I got pregnant and didn’t tell my parents within the first few weeks, I’d be disowned. And aren’t these the same parents that other articles have said basically are RAISING her kids? No wonder she didn’t tell them – awkward conversation, no? “Hey mom and dad, I’m having a special needs baby that’s going to require an extra 45 hours a week of special care from each of you. Surprise!”

  43. nuckingfutz

    Hey Mooselini: Van Halen called. They want you to stop using their music and they also want you to change your kid’s name. It’s embarrasing them.

    Naming your retarded baby after a band that hates your ass = EPIC FAILULRE

  44. slavojzizek

    Commie punks The Minutemen covered Van Halen’s ‘Ain’t talkin’ bout love’ back in the eighties. Why does Sarah Palin hate America?

  45. sezme

    More shocking than the embarrassing name, Sarah announced Trig’s birth in an email using the voice of god.

    Later that day, Ms. Palin sent an e-mail message to her relatives and close friends about her new son, Ms. Bruce said. She signed it, “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

    Look for this in the Newest Testament. It’s right after Revelations in the Book of Trig.

  46. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=88617]slavojzizek[/re]: You made me think of the Meatmen hit, ‘Crippled Children Suck’.

  47. Jingo

    So Sarah Palin tells everyone she’s pregnant and no one believes it by looking at her. Well, that settles it for me. Now that it’s been “proven” that Sarah is Trig’s mother, I would like to commend her for her decision to get pregnant at her age and bring a new life into this world. A life that will likely be riddled with health problems, an inability to engage in normal social relationships and a life expectancy projected to be in his mid-50′s. At least he won’t have to worry about social security and retirement.

  48. Peggy McGilligan

    Here’s an excerpt from a recent interview with tennis player, Billie Jean King: “I think Palin’s great. I think she’s awesome. I think she’s honest, I think she’s real,” said Ms. King … But would the Governor of Alaska have been so quick to release public statements about her family if her daughter Bristol was revealed to be gay, instead of pregnant? “That was one question I had in my mind,” added Ms. King. Would the Governor of Alaska have been so quick to release public statements about her family if her daughter Bristol was revealed to be walking with a peg leg, a parrot on her shoulder, and making disparaging remarks about the British Navy, instead of pregnant? Well, blow me down, must be the new girl in school. Here’s a clip from Jan & Dean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX7X4FovYRA&NR=1 And, how ‘bout them Dems: http://theseedsof9-11.com

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