ANNALS OF BIRTHING  9:46 am September 8, 2008

Definitive Sarah Palin Pregnancy Timeline From Publication Of Record

by Sara K. Smith

Might as well jumpWell here you have it, the final word on Sarah Palin’s pregnancy and birthing from renowned obstetrics journal the New York Times. The biggest shocker: Trig Paxon Van Palin really was given that name because it sounded like “Van Halen.” THAT IS NOT EVEN A JOKE, THAT IS AN ACTUAL FACT IN THIS JOURNALISTIC ARTICLE. How can America trust Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the presidency when she names her youngest child after an 80s hard rock band?

There are still many weirdnesses and head-scratchers to this story, such as the part where she “disguised” her pregnancy with uh COLORFUL SCARVES. Plus the alarming million-year trek back to Alaska from Texas and and and. Whatever, just look at the comments to the story, for larfs.

Fusing Politics and Motherhood in New Way [New York Times]

Related video

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StripesAndPlaids September 8, 2008 at 9:50 am

I think that the naming of her baby suggests that she will take a hard line with Panama.

JimAlbertson September 8, 2008 at 9:52 am

Sarah Palin should be careful with all her current and future childrenn because Cindy McCain IS a child eating vampire…

CrunchyKnee September 8, 2008 at 9:54 am

Might as well hump.

Strictly for the Tardcore September 8, 2008 at 9:56 am

Wait, Van Halen is still considered hard rock?

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 9:56 am

I ain’t mad at her. If it’s Van Hagar, she’s just whack.

DieOnTheTurnpike September 8, 2008 at 9:58 am

Hot For Governor

Borat September 8, 2008 at 10:00 am

Does Van Halin have any have any Satanist connotation? I am getting obsessed with the GOPs use of Satanic music. What are they trying to tell us?

Mo MoDo September 8, 2008 at 10:00 am

Bristol, go breastfeed your brother!

TGY September 8, 2008 at 10:00 am

Kids these days.

On the other hand, the Palin kids will give John McCain somebody to yell at for getting on the White House lawn. We’re only missing apple pie.

Yaybuls September 8, 2008 at 10:03 am

[re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Interestingly enough, “Runnin’ With the Devil” was going to be the campaign slogan for the formerly rumored McCain/Lieberman ticket.

Botswana Meat Commission FC September 8, 2008 at 10:05 am

Oh, NY Times commenters…..

I too am waiting several months to announce the news because I dread all the well-meaning but annoying comments from people (i.e. “Was this an accident?” “Has anyone told you how human reproduction works? ha ha

Cape Clod September 8, 2008 at 10:07 am

‘some accuse her of exploiting Trig for political gain.’

Why would anybody think she was doing that, other than the fact that she paraded around with a four month old child with special needs, late at night, on a national stage in front of a roaring crowd under hot lights?

Hart88 September 8, 2008 at 10:11 am

Good thing she wasn’t into Culture Club.

BillyT September 8, 2008 at 10:12 am

She FAKED her pregnancy to cover up for Bristol’s first baby, Trig. Otherwise there’s no reason anyone would look slim at 7 months pregnant, and no reason to fly all the way back to Alaska to “give birth” (she flew back because Bristol’s water broke, not her own water!!).

BruceLee5000 September 8, 2008 at 10:12 am

[re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: FTW!

And she’ll be a hawk for State’s Rights to set their own speed limits above 55 mph!

Terry September 8, 2008 at 10:14 am

All snark aside, Palin put her speech in Tx and her desire to give birth in AK over the potential well being of her child. Why is this noble or a sign of her toughness? The baby should have trumped the stupid speech.

Serolf Divad September 8, 2008 at 10:15 am

Well, at least it’s nice to know that my having named my daughter Marylin Manson Divad does not disqualify me for VP.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 8, 2008 at 10:15 am

[re=88280]Cape Clod[/re]: …passing that child around like a sack of potatoes to anyone who wanted to hold this very special gift from God.

snig September 8, 2008 at 10:17 am

“And on Wednesday in St. Paul, she proclaimed herself a guardian of the nation’s disabled children.”

Talk is cheap. She’s still a rookie. The kid’s delay is not really appreciable yet. Some special needs schools cost 50k or more per year. If you’re not a strong advocate of public schools, it’ll be one hell of a waiver that lets the average parent afford that.

Would like to hear how lowering taxes will help pay for social services. Also, the EPA and the FDA favoring industry over health concerns has not helped kids health.

Lead (acquired from sucking toys or paint) used to be considered the most common cause of developmental delay. Business was trusted to watchdog this and failed.

How’d she do as governor on this? You’ll be shocked to hear not so well…

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 10:17 am

But she had a steady diet of brewer’s yeast, wild carrot, black cohosh, slippery elm, pennyroyal, nutmeg, mugwort, papaya, vervain, common rue, and tansy. After 7 months of abortifacient herbs, she had to announce.

loudmouthredhead September 8, 2008 at 10:19 am

[re=88265]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: See, I thought originally it reflected a love for trigonometry. I was all ready to respect her an’ evry’thin!

Anyone else wonder if she was, at some point in the convention, going to dangle the child out of a window like Michael Jackson? OR that we were going to see tabloid shots of Bristol feeding him? Bleh.

loudmouthredhead September 8, 2008 at 10:21 am

[re=88294]snig[/re]: It’s like what the Daily show pointed out: Sarah just wants her family to have choices that she wants to take away from everyone else.

Borat September 8, 2008 at 10:25 am

Well if its in the NY Times it must be true. All is forgiven my Snowbilly overlord.

jinmoom September 8, 2008 at 10:25 am

It’s sad that the reasons we make fun of her are the exactly same reasons why some people will vote for her.

btwbfdimho September 8, 2008 at 10:26 am

Is that why they played “Right Now” at the RNC? But they didn’t show the video, that includes the line:
“Right Now, oil companies and old men are in control”.

Godless Liberal * September 8, 2008 at 10:28 am

I would like a more detailed timeline of the conception.

superfecta September 8, 2008 at 10:31 am

[re=88296]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: Ah, I’m glad someone else enjoys knowing about abortifacient herbs! Fennel can help too. Obviously we’ll all need to know once our christian overlords seize control.

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 10:32 am

[re=88304]jinmoom[/re]: The reasons that we make fun of Our Hopey are the same reasons that we will vote for him.

We are incredibly fair.

Q2 September 8, 2008 at 10:33 am

Sarah knows God’s Will. So does Osama bin Laden. Does this make Sarah Palin a terrorist?

NoWireHangers September 8, 2008 at 10:34 am

Fuck the NYT. I want to hear what the Enquirer has to say about Caribou Barbie and her breed. I want eviscerating dirt and scandal on Palin and I wanted it yesterday! I want her destroyed. This idiocracy has got to end.

While it’s only one poll, and there’s a margin of error, that Gallup/USA Today thing has me a bit keyed up.

Mo MoDo September 8, 2008 at 10:37 am


InsidiousTuna September 8, 2008 at 10:40 am

I can’t believe people want this woman a mere 50 SPF away from the Oval Office.

WadISay September 8, 2008 at 10:41 am

[re=88274]Borat[/re]: Even more shocking, if you turn Palin’s t-shirt upside down, you will see…the zip code of The Beast.

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 10:42 am


Soon to be banned . . .
Gray’s Papaya

*So how do you get high from nutmeg?
I ate a whole can in high school after reading about it in Malcon X. It only made me puke.

Terry September 8, 2008 at 10:42 am

[re=88291]Serolf Divad[/re]:

Giving her that name will, however, mean that you’ll have to put bars on the windows of her room to keep her from becoming a groupie at age 14.

Carrie_Okie September 8, 2008 at 10:43 am

This just makes me want to look for a youtube of Ted Nugent having that wardrobe malfunction with the chainsaw.

Servo September 8, 2008 at 10:44 am

Wait til that child gets sick from being dragged around the country during the cold and flu season. We’ll see how the soccer moms react to that.

mookworthjwilson September 8, 2008 at 10:45 am

[re=88317]WadISay[/re]: Or Topeka, KS-,-95.677807&spn=0.007699,0.013733&t=h&z=16&iwloc=addr Which afterall is hell on earth…

nbawriter September 8, 2008 at 10:45 am

Let’s go National Enquirer … there HAS to be a picture of Sarah Palin, fresh off her runner-up finish in the beauty pageant, serving as groupie hood rat for David, Eddie and the boys.

Q2 September 8, 2008 at 10:48 am

[re=88294]snig[/re]: My wife teachs head-bangers including one child who suffers from Lesch-Nyhan, a rare genetic (and uncurable) neurological disorder that often compels its victims to self-mutilate, even when they understand that doing so causes them harm. They eat themselves alive: no bullshit. Depending on the severity of the disability, the cost to educate some of these children exceeds $100,000 a child. In my simple world, if you know you are going to give birth to a handicapped child and you decide to carry that child to term, you should bear the direct additional cost of the choice you have made. Therefore, if the cost to educate little Nathan Normal is $10,000 a year and the cost to educate little Henry Headbanger is $50,000 a year then the parent bears the $40,000 difference, not the taxpayer. This is pro-choice, with a twist! The twist being personal responsibility for one’s decisions. This sounds heartless and absolutely Repugnantcan eh? JUST SAY NO!

nbawriter September 8, 2008 at 10:48 am

Child #6′s preliminary name: Beer Pong Kip Winger Palin

RooseveltFranklin September 8, 2008 at 10:49 am

Thank God Sean Hannity has a dating site so that we can all find a Republican mate to hate-fuck:
Let’s get to work.

Carrie_Okie September 8, 2008 at 10:53 am
loquaciousmusic September 8, 2008 at 10:53 am

[re=88326]Q2[/re]: More importantly, she should have known the risks of becoming pregnant at age 43. My mom had me when she was 40, in 1979; I weighed 2.1 lbs. at birth and was born at 27 weeks gestation.

Granted, if my mom had had ZEE ABORTIONZ, I wouldn’t be commenting on Wonkette today. But my mom isn’t going around announcing how proud she is that she decided to “keep” me.

If Sarah Palin wants us to stop talking about her dysfunctional family, she’d better make the first move.

BigDupa September 8, 2008 at 10:53 am


lilblackcorvette September 8, 2008 at 10:56 am

[re=88313]NoWireHangers[/re]: These are strange days. We are actually waiting for the ENQUIRER to break a story. That’s so ironical!

Q2 September 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

[re=88333]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Yes, and I can tell from your posts you are moderately retarded.

Q2 September 8, 2008 at 10:57 am


Strictly for the Tardcore September 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

[re=88324]nbawriter[/re]: If she was a groupie, I think it’s pretty decisive at this point that it was for Van Halen.

On another note, there’s an article that the posted article links to that has a Rebuttlickan talking head bemoaning how Americans are moving towards voting Democrat. My favorite part is his lamentation that the most well-educated states in the nation vote lib’rul, i.e. the portion of the electorate that was built up off of education and the market no longer votes being the part of the market and, uh, “education” (when the hell has that been a conservative platform!?!?).

Hey, asshole? If ALL OF THE SMART PEOPLE are voting one way, and you’re NOT, there’s a good chance you are WRONG, or STUPID, or more probably BOTH.

nbawriter September 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

Child #7: Milk Duds Mr. Big Palin

loquaciousmusic September 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=88336]Q2[/re]: Mild to moderate, actually. But thanks for noticing!

Strictly for the Tardcore September 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=88338]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Disregard the first part of my post, I’m still half asleep. And an idiot.

nbawriter September 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=88338]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Uh, David, Eddie and the boys are Van Halen.

Child #8: Kandy Stryper Palin

NoWireHangers September 8, 2008 at 11:02 am

[re=88335]lilblackcorvette[/re]: The Enquirer is all I have in these trying times.

JamesMichaelCurley September 8, 2008 at 11:03 am


Four Arizona politicians, including John McCain in 2000, have run for president. All lost.

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 11:05 am

[re=88317]WadISay[/re]: I also see “AWAKENS ERA” in the letters, leaving O,H and L which clearly means “Obliterate Harmful Left”.

lilblackcorvette September 8, 2008 at 11:11 am

[re=88333]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Sensei, I sit at your feet when I want a well though-out answer.

What if barry really does use that as a tagline line. “The Republican Party. They Think You’re Stupid” What do you think would be the effect?

KittyKatMan September 8, 2008 at 11:21 am

Rick Davis’ campaign motto: “It’s the stupids, stupid!”

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 11:28 am

or Liberals.

Cape Clod September 8, 2008 at 11:32 am

[re=88292]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Yeah, that usually gets normal people a visit from DSS, doesn’t it?

Rush September 8, 2008 at 11:33 am

Well, at least she’ll know that “Panama” is another country.

Cape Clod September 8, 2008 at 11:36 am

[re=88313]NoWireHangers[/re]: The Enquirer would be a more helpful journalistic venue to publish dirt on Palin. The people who read the Enquirer are the one’s who will happily vote for her.

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 11:37 am

[re=88385]Rush[/re]: I wouldn’t count on it. As far as I can tell, war is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

mookworthjwilson September 8, 2008 at 11:37 am

[re=88332]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I bet they misheard her…she acutally said “Sammo beat the itch”, referring to Sammo Hung, star of CBS’s Marshal Law, and his victory over jock rot.

Call me stormy September 8, 2008 at 11:41 am


Not to mention the giant condom.

lilblackcorvette September 8, 2008 at 11:41 am

[re=88333]loquaciousmusic[/re]: … 1979!!!11!!! I’m old enough to be your AILF!

thefrontpage September 8, 2008 at 11:49 am

But Van Halen did give us the following songs, which in the context of the current presidential race, might just mean something:

“Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”

“Hot For Teacher”


“You’re No Good” (yes, a cover)

“Pretty Woman” (yes, a cover of Roy Orbison’s original)

“Runnin’ With the Devil” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Servo September 8, 2008 at 11:52 am

…only to be forgotten by the next generation.

njdon September 8, 2008 at 11:53 am

i’m just thankful that she doesn’t walk like gwb.

Miller September 8, 2008 at 12:11 pm

Thorough timeline my ass. This article never even mentions the exact time Papa Palin ejaculated.

PedestrianMe September 8, 2008 at 12:12 pm

How can you name your child a preposition? Van means “of”.

sanantonerose September 8, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Have y’all SEEN Eddie Van Halen lately? Looks like he was chewed up, digested, then pooped out by a camel.

sanantonerose September 8, 2008 at 12:41 pm

[re=88306]Godless Liberal *[/re]: I’m sure such a timeline would involve bear grease, jumper cables, and a saddle.

azw88 September 8, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Maybe Eddie and his sone Wolfgang will re-write “Hot for Teacher”…
Possible titles:
“Hot for Vee-PILF”
“Hot for Bristol”
“Hot for McCain’s un-vetted veep-wannabe”
“Hot for the Not Joe Leiberman pick”
“Hot for the AIP”
“hot for the cold-hearted bitch form the frozen tundra”
“Hot for teaching abstinence-only”
“Hot for….” Help me out here, folks..

multipleARCOMS September 8, 2008 at 12:43 pm

I think it would be cool if someday a child were born on Air Force One. But not hers.

nosnikreplliw September 8, 2008 at 12:51 pm

i have no clue how to say that name.

CivicHoliday September 8, 2008 at 1:35 pm

WTF?! She didn’t tell her family (parents and kids) she was pregnant until the third trimester, and didn’t tell ANYONE that the baby had Down Syndrom until after it was born??? In my family, imperfect as we are, we SHARE information with each other, good and bad. If I got pregnant and didn’t tell my parents within the first few weeks, I’d be disowned. And aren’t these the same parents that other articles have said basically are RAISING her kids? No wonder she didn’t tell them – awkward conversation, no? “Hey mom and dad, I’m having a special needs baby that’s going to require an extra 45 hours a week of special care from each of you. Surprise!”

nuckingfutz September 8, 2008 at 1:44 pm

Hey Mooselini: Van Halen called. They want you to stop using their music and they also want you to change your kid’s name. It’s embarrasing them.

Naming your retarded baby after a band that hates your ass = EPIC FAILULRE

slavojzizek September 8, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Commie punks The Minutemen covered Van Halen’s ‘Ain’t talkin’ bout love’ back in the eighties. Why does Sarah Palin hate America?

oliverc September 8, 2008 at 2:15 pm

McCain chose Palin using instant messenger? I found a funny parody:

sezme September 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm

More shocking than the embarrassing name, Sarah announced Trig’s birth in an email using the voice of god.

Later that day, Ms. Palin sent an e-mail message to her relatives and close friends about her new son, Ms. Bruce said. She signed it, “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

Look for this in the Newest Testament. It’s right after Revelations in the Book of Trig.

trophy(forparticipation)wife September 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=88617]slavojzizek[/re]: You made me think of the Meatmen hit, ‘Crippled Children Suck’.

Jingo September 8, 2008 at 5:18 pm

So Sarah Palin tells everyone she’s pregnant and no one believes it by looking at her. Well, that settles it for me. Now that it’s been “proven” that Sarah is Trig’s mother, I would like to commend her for her decision to get pregnant at her age and bring a new life into this world. A life that will likely be riddled with health problems, an inability to engage in normal social relationships and a life expectancy projected to be in his mid-50′s. At least he won’t have to worry about social security and retirement.

Peggy McGilligan September 8, 2008 at 7:00 pm

Here’s an excerpt from a recent interview with tennis player, Billie Jean King: “I think Palin’s great. I think she’s awesome. I think she’s honest, I think she’s real,” said Ms. King … But would the Governor of Alaska have been so quick to release public statements about her family if her daughter Bristol was revealed to be gay, instead of pregnant? “That was one question I had in my mind,” added Ms. King. Would the Governor of Alaska have been so quick to release public statements about her family if her daughter Bristol was revealed to be walking with a peg leg, a parrot on her shoulder, and making disparaging remarks about the British Navy, instead of pregnant? Well, blow me down, must be the new girl in school. Here’s a clip from Jan & Dean: And, how ‘bout them Dems:

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