Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
When Hillary dropped out of the race a few months ago, many male cartoonists were bereft. Not because they supported her health care policies, you understand, or because they hated and feared hope and change. No, they’re just desperately lonely, and drawing the curves of an ample bosom or shapely behind is as close as they’ll come to a woman’s touch. So when John McCain personally flew to the Ice Planet Hoth to rescue Sarah Palin from her igloo and make her his running mate, the ink-stained classes were all very excited! This week, we bring you the Story of Sarah: In Cartoon Form.
Ever wonder what it’s like inside a traditional home in “Alaska,” our 57th state? Well, now you know! There are just dead fish lying all over the floor, naturally, and bullet-ridden parts of animal carcasses hanging on the wall — and since this is the governor’s mansion, it’s the best house Alaska’s got! At least it has a roof. Also, if you just want to send your kid out to play or pick up a gallon of milk or something, you have to have him wear ice skates and protective gear, because everything is covered with ice outside, and they have to go forty miles to get milk, and it’s polar bear milk, and there’s nobody to play with except penguins! This obviously prepares someone to debate Joe Biden, because they’ve already seen the mouth of hell itself.
Now, it’s true that there isn’t much to do in Alaska, which is why everyone up there has teen sex and gets teen pregnant! Here’s a cartoon based on a popular teen pregnancy movie whose name rhymes with the name of Alaska’s capital, which is a totally original idea that nobody every thought of before. As you can see, it depicts Sarah Palin after having teen sex with Ted Stevens, who has impregnated her with a terrible Earmark baby, which will probably burst out of her stomach and savagely raise deficits, after it slithers off to wherever. Too bad you’re against abortion, Sarah!
Nevertheless, ol’ Walnuts decided that Sarah should be his vice president! Generally speaking, McCain is described as being “intensely loyal” to his staff, and in this cartoon we see exactly what this is a euphemism for. He rewards the staffer who had the thankless job of vetting Palin with the highest honor that he knows how to bestow: thrusting his withered old penis repeatedly into the man’s midsection while rubbing his jowly, Walnutty cheeks against the front of the poor soul’s shirt. This is why he never really fires any of his staffers, even after they fail him! He knows that they wouldn’t survive in the outside world, because of the trauma, and the shame.
Why weren’t Democrats more forceful in speaking out against Palin’s far-right social record and inconsistent attitude towards earmarks? Well, it’s a little known fact that during the Republican National Convention, when the harsh glare of the media is directed fully away from them, Democratic leaders have their own private get-together where they can indulge their furry fetishist lifestyle. It’s hard to give a press conference to talk about policy differences when you’re in a semen-encrusted purple moose costume!
But, as is usual, the Democrats can’t match the GOP when it comes to depravity and perversion. The Republicans dedicated an entire evening of their convention to fur-suit fun! While Sarah refused to don a heavy costume — being in balmy Minnesota rather than her native Alaska, she was as overheated as someone from normal America would have been in the Amazon jungle — she was more than happy to add a little pirate cosplay to the extravaganza of S&M and tusks that the Republicans had scheduled.
Then, at the triumphal conclusion of their convention, the Republicans shot Sarah into space, the end. Hopefully she will land back on Earth before Walnuts dies of an apoplectic fit during a particularly rage-driven section of his inaugural address!
And the intended joke of the last cartoon is what, again?
global warming — alaska, the new virginia.
I finally figured out who she reminds me of - Miss Davies, the stripper teacher in “Varsity Blues”!
V572625694: she’s full of hot air??
Political cartooning truly is a lost art.
Seems these guys can’t decide whether their “cartoons” such as they are, should rehash what we already know or try to say something clever in the most insane, oblique, impossible-to-understand manner as the human mind can dredge up.
V572625694: I think it’s about Cathy being on yet another diet. She’s so hungry she feels like she’s about to float away. Ack!
I like the hot air one. Maybe it is trapped in her groinal region? (Jerri Blank would be proud, we’re servin’ hot fruit.)
Strictly for the Tardcore: or the New Yorker…whichever
Strictly for the Tardcore: Okay, the field-dressing-a-moderate thing was pretty good.
NotthatLC: Since Heart won’t let the GOP use “Barracuda” any more, think they’ll go with “Hot for Teacher” instead?
V572625694: I think they’re implying she is a lightweight.
Sarah Palin has thrown a serious glitch into my midlife crisis.
I don’t understand this thing about how badass it is to be a moose hunter. Like, how hard is it to shoot a moose? They’re the next size down from the broad side of a barn, and they don’t move that much. Probably the most difficult thing about hunting them is the taxidermy bills.
Full of hot air? Lightweight? Airhead? A purely decorative object that will deflate and wither immediately following the convention, and ultimately end up choking some poor sea creature?
I vote for all of the above.
Strictly for the Tardcore: These are no join or die! snake bits. Dammit, kids, get off my lawn!
SayItWithWookies: I know a girl who once was licked by a moose in Canada. They’re apparently also really friendly?
SayItWithWookies: Actually it’s just interacting with them at all. I mean, them’s crazy people! They might just assume kill and stuff you, or just be creepy in general. Ewwww.
The moderate one was kinda funny, but does it imply that conservatives are woolly mammoths, destined for extinction? HIDDEN JOKEZ?!
SayItWithWookies: Hunting moose is often a difficult thing because they don’t go down in one shot, they are surprisingly fast and stronger than a bull cow, and they are angry, territorial, and vicious as all Hell.
Which is why Glasses! shoots hers from a plane.
sweetladyirony: Heaven forbid she deflate (again), we’d get more Palins…
I think that the last cartoon are sperm drawn so that you could think that they are balloons. Now what Sarah Palin floating in sperm means, I not sure if I really want to know!
when you’re in a semen-encrusted purple moose costume!
How many times do I have to apologize to you for that, Josh?
Strictly for the Tardcore: Why was Palin hunting her fellow Republicans?
V572625694: I believe they’re calling her a “trial balloon”.
“Here’s a woman. Let’s see if people can deal with that first.”
“Okay, apparently people have no problem with that. Let’s see if people can hang with her right-leaning stature.”
“A little ripple in the high parts of the lower atmosphere, but still good. Now let’s publicly vet her family issues.”
“Seemingly difficult, but apparently she’s near cumulus and still rising. Let’s put her on display at the RNC and find out how much people are listening to her.”
“Wow! Forty million people listened to her. Maybe we’ve got something after all, because she’s still going. Now let’s throw McCain out there to wed himself to this stratospheric traveler.”
…
“OMIGOD, he just crashed again, and has destroyed another Republican deployment!”
“Yeah, but check out Sarah. From here, you can see up her skirt really well…”
Strictly for the Tardcore: Glasses! …. I love it.
READ MY LIP STICK!
McCoy is the shittiest excuse for an ed. cartoonist I’ve ever seen. He can’t draw, his “joke” is whatever Limbaugh said the day before, and he only seems capable of squeezing one or two “cartoons” a month out of his ass. Which I guess I should be grateful for, because like I said, he fucking sux.
Just watching Caribou Barbie’s first “trot out” on the road. I suppose she’s just gonna have that one speech for the entire campaign. Damn, it’s gonna get old!
Grandpa’s on now. Oh crap! Now he’s pulling lies,I mean lines from her speech! Where’s Peggy Noonan when the grand ol’ party needs her? Oh, right, she’s on an MSNBC mic somewhere.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Because their meats are tender?
Mooseburgers give you really bad gas?
Mitt: Dude, I think it’s best to just tell ‘em.
Palin: I’m Pregnant.
Cindy: Oh, God.
Palin: But, uh ah, I’m going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they’re going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
McCain: You’re pregnant?
Palin: I’m sorry. I’m sorry… And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven’t taken a dump since like Wednesday… morning.
Cindy: I didn’t know that you were still sexually active.
Palin: I, uh…
McCain: Who is the kid?
Palin: The-the baby? I don’t really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Cindy: Nails, really?
Palin: Yeah!
McCain: No, I know I mean who’s the father, Sarah?
Palin: Umm… It’s Karl Rove.
McCain: Karl Rove?
Palin: What?
McCain: I didn’t think he had it in him.
Mitt: I know, right?
So, let me see if I understand the key characteristics of the Republican nominees, as gleaned from these cartoons.
Palin at home: she collects dead things
Palin in an autobiographical movie: she liked teen sex
McCain at work: he loves the love that hath no name
Palin enjoying herself: she likes killing democrats by shooting them
Palin on the platform: she likes slicing up elephants with knives
Palin at the RNC: she enjoys dope fuelled drifting fantasys
Seems about right.
Palin/McCain - “A dirty minded satirical-psychotic comedy”
tunamelt: THAT WAS JUST NASTY< YOU FREAK!!!…..(getting a leeeetle moist)
Last one: Ascending with balloons = rapture?
Does this mean that VPILF is the only one of the GOP who is amongst the chosen? Or does this mean that at the end times all of the chosen (being GOPpers), except for VPILF, transmutate into spirits (as signified by balloons), and that VPILF (much like Mary) ascends bodily? I didn’t think that fundies bought in to the Assumption…
Quick, call Jack Chick! VPILF is a closet catholic!!!
Could have used more moose and mooseburger references. The fact that she eats and kills them is apparently the third most qualified thing she did to earn the VP slot, going by convention mentions.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
OK, so in the first one, she’s tying the laces on some kid’s skates? And this is supposed to defeat Biden somehow? I mean, I know he may slip up sometimes and send the bunny ear around the wrong way, but still, Biden’s shoelace techniques is basically sound. I don’t think that’s going to be the turning point for this election.
My fav is till the header “VPILF” heehee
I can fant about that all day and all ways…mooses, geese, polar bears, malamutes, huskies, eskimos (r we still allowed to say that?), and then the final cum shot of Cheney dripping it off the muzzle of his “gun”…heehee
Thanks, Josh! I will now promptly be fired for laughing out loud and gleefully exclaiming “withered old penis!!”
On a serious note, those poor poor poor staffers…they will need extensive counseling and PTSD meds after a year’s worth of being dry humped by the crypt keeper
SayItWithWookies: Like Mongo, shooting a moose usually just makes them mad.
Heh, still fantasizing ’bout Sarah and the animals she uses for target practice during the day and bends over for at night
alright, sorry, this is so priceless i’m posting it here too,
in case you missed it. the “real mcCain of genius” beer commercial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6xR-_fvUOY
enjoy!
OK, in the second to last one I’ll give the cartoonist props if the wooly mammoths are intended to represent that the GOP consists mainly of people old enough that the rest of their species is now extinct. Another possibility: he draws the crappiest elephants ever.
I know McCranky wouldn’t have picked her (you know, the one fuckable one…whatshername?) if Hilz was the nominee, but damn! A debate between between those two would REALLY give the cartoonists (and comedy in general) a huge boost! It still wouldn’t make it worth buying a paper though.
Send Nanookie hunting with Chaney!
Actually, you’re all wrong. That last cartoon was actually printed upside down and on month early by mistake.
Sorry “one” month early, not “on” month early. Stupido fingers.
V572625694: I’m thinking it is a profound boob joke that got out of hand;
what’s the alternative interpretation? She’s some kind of airhead? Where
would the cartoonist get an idea like that?
I call bullshit. There are no moderate Republicans left.
i think the moderates one is saying that she is pandering to the far right, who are extinct (and are very hairy?), and killing moderates/elephants?
Mahousu: awesome!
The cartoonists really aren’t used to drawing women, are they? I’m glad Ken Catalino (the donkey cartoon) slapped a “Palin” label on her jacket or I would have thought it was supposed to be John Lennon with a pair of wax lips.
The rise of Sarah Palin coincided with the all-Choke-all-the-time ad campaign. I can’t help but associate those meaty legs in stiletto heels with the pitbull in lipstick.
Sarah, Pa-lain and (not) Tall
The last one could represent the fact that even competing with airborne, helium filled condoms- her hair is still the highest of all. Or, maybe that she is just in way over her head. Or, that she is flying high like Superman/woman, or Mighty Mouse/Moose, to associate herself with Big Bad John; both of them like to fly over the heads of innocent mammals and obliterate them with an aerial assault. Or lastly, that she is the Savior of the Republican Religion- depicted by her ascension into cyberspace along with her 12 Disciples of the Willing.
tunamelt: Oh, no. A moose once bit my sister. No realli!
Mynd you, moose bytes kan be veri nasti…
Palin isn’t drawn so cute in the cartoons above. She could use a graphic novelist like Frank Miller to portray her in a skin tight outfit with hooker heels. Then I wouldn’t mind smearing her ink. Better yet, in cartoon form I wouldn’t have to listen to that annoying voice of hers.
SayItWithWookies: Seriously. Shooting a moose would be something you could do blindfolded. I hit a moose with my car once (Ok. Technically, my buddy’s car.) It was an icy road, getting kinda dark. Loooong drive from Seattle to Banff. Moose aren’t used to getting out of anybody’s way, because they are bigger than everything (they think) and for that reason, not in such a big hurry.
It’s harder to catch a trout. (I’ve done that, too.)