All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST.

9:30 CT — This speech will last at least seven or nine hours. He reads slower than anyone else on earth, even illiterate people, and he keeps getting interrupted by Code Pink gals who are then tackled to the cement steps by Secret Service agents. Then everyone shouts USA USA for a few seconds and whiff, poof, another few words of Speech before it happens all over again. God Bless America, this naive wonder of ours.
9:31 — John McCain fights for some random couple, “Bill” and his wife “Sue.” Ha, someone behind me just went “Wow” when he heard that Sue works three jobs. Who knew? Maybe we should give her some government programs and shit if that’s the case.
9:32 — “We let Washington change us.” Oh God, now he’s insulting his own party, “some Republicans” who were corrupt. Oh don’t be so modest, Walnuts — it was all Republican, except you, The Maverick Sun King of Sedona.
9:33 — Now he’s saying that our Latina daughters are “all Americans.” No, they’re Illegals from one of the 70 or 80 Mexicos across the globe. Just because *you* have a Latina daughter from Bangladesh, Walnuts, doesn’t mean we all should like Mexicans.
9:37 — Obama will raise taxes on YOU, the mouth-breather. He will also put a bureaucrat — let’s call him, say, Mr. Gay Pants The Bureaucrat — between you and your doctor, who will be NAKED under an Obama administration.
9:39 — Who’s winning the football game? The Knickerbockers or the Reds?
9:41 — Now he calls education the “civil rights struggle of the 21st century.” Does that mean that when a famous teacher’s birthday is proposed as a federal holiday, he will veto it? Yes, because of the blacks.
9:43 — Blah blah blah economy, let’s talk about The New Oils.
9:44 — “We’ll attack the problem on every front.” THIS IS WHY YOU SCARE US, Firebomb McWarpants.
9:45 — One of those protester gals looked kinda cute. Maybe. And now she’s in Gitmo, forever, or dead. Both.
9:48 — Hmm, what is this Russia of which he speaks? This Russia character apparently has been invading oil-rich nations with the bonus psychotic idea of intimidating neighbor nations. But, well, mostly the oil. Silly weird country, “Russia.”
9:50 — He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.
9:53 — “I’ve been an imperfect servant to my country… but I’ve always been a servant.” Or something. Well, as long as he’s been serving for X number of years, those “imperfections” just kinda become “stories we laugh about later.”
9:55 — Ooh, apparently he crashed a plane in Vietnam once.
9:56 — When he woke with two broken arms, a crowd of angry people was looking at him. “AND THAT WAS JUST THIS MORNING!” He shouts, everyone goes nuts. “SOME GORILLA WAS RAPIN’ OL’ CINDYPANTS HERE.” Crowd goes… insane.
9:58 — When he was in Jail, in the War, his country adopted him from his father. AND THEN HE SAW A GORILLA RAPIN’ BARRY OBAMA IN THE STREET and that’s why Obama cannot be president, so help me God.
10:01 — He just told us to “teach an illiterate adult to read.” No silly, that’s the Welfare State’s job! And then he mentions a few other ways in which you can put Country Above Self. Basically, they read like a job description for a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago.
10:03 — He just babbled for a full minute about “never giving up,” and everyone clapped like trained monkeys for no reason. What was the last minute of his speech? Maybe he crapped his pants and was just trying to get some help.
10:04 — Well, that was fine. To be quite honest, it was classier than what we’d expected — now, of course, he has that “pitbull” to say the crabby stuff. This works for him. Goodnight, Walnuts.

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  1. Fuck, I hate that “fake gentle” voice that politicians use when they talk about their anecdotal families that they will never care about after tonight. That voice. It haunts me.

  2. And who is taking all the protestors out? Security? Concerned citizens? Members of the Wasilla Militia? Hockey moms who don’t have lipstick? Who?

  3. Oh, this is rich. In the primary debates McCain stood on stage and laughed, rolled his eyes, and made rude comments every time Ron Paul spoke.

    So far tonight, FOUR TIMES he has quoted Ron Paul word for word. Without attribution, of course. Asshole.

  4. …Wow, so Obama is the candidate of big oil? Not the man who received 2 million dollars in donations from big oil or the woman married to an oil rig worker?

  5. I am, literally, falling asleep. WALNUTS! speaks in a droning monotone that inspires nothing so much in me as a desire to take a little nap.

    Forget Palin – can you imagine this seething cauldron of lassitude giving a State of the Union speech, or conducting talks with foreign leaders?

    I am not an ageist, but dear Cthulhu, this man is too old to be the President of the United States.

  6. 9:32 — “We let Washington change us.” Oh God, now he’s insulting his own party, “some Republicans” who were corrupt. Oh don’t be so modest, Walnuts — it was all Republican, except you, The Maverick Sun King of Sedona.

    Best live blog of the week. And it is hard to be corrupted by the lobbyist when you are busy filling your campaign with them.

  7. They’re mad good at booing though.

    Johnny Mac has totally gone over to the other side, all the fucking Heritage Foundation cliches about economics. He doesn’t understand what the fuck he’s saying. Dipshit.

  8. Dear God. Remember when the Republicans were the party of ideas?

    Where’s the beef? “I’m going to make things perfect. Won’t tell you how, but cutting taxes will make everything just fine, especially if you make over five million.”

  9. As a former resident of a country with true socialized medicine, can I say that I never had a bureaucrat standing in the way between me and my doctor. Unless, he was the previous guy in line, of course.

  10. Christ he looks orange next to that blue screen. I kind of wish the protesters had let him fuck this up on his own, because really it is pathetic but now he has an excuse.

  11. Um, hey, so… did I miss something, or can parents not send their kids to public, private, or charter schools now? Also, home-schooling? I’m sure that the poor don’t have that choice currently, but McCain’s certainly not going to offer that to poor people.

  12. [re=85868]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: actually i hate that old man shakey voice. that will likely keep me awake again tonight just like shrillbillie snow voice kept me awake LAST night

    i cannot wait for this to end.

  13. Can someone send out Sarah Palin to find those Styrofoam columns so that there is something behind McCain so id doesn’t look like he is waiting for Jar Jar Binks to show up.

  14. [re=85868]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: CBS showed the Kentucky crowd sitting on their hands for the Latina daughters, but got their mojo back for the “keeping more of you money” line.

  15. John, I’ve been a teacher for 7 years in Brownsville, Brooklyn. Every student, teacher, and parent in our school will be voting for Obama. So leave us out of it. Thanks.

  16. All right, education, which the Republicans insist is a local issue, will be taken over by John McCain (at no expense, since he is cutting all taxes). And this leads us into drill hear, drill now.

    Plus drilling now will help the enviroment.

  17. We’ll drill wells offshore now? Okay — exploratory wells. After we do seismic studies. And we’ll start drilling after a rig is freed up. And of course it’ll have to sit around waiting for a refinery. So by “now,” I mean ten years from now.

  18. Um, does he not get that the global economy is directly tied to cheap oil, and once that’s gone, so is the global economy?

    Why did I just ask that?

  19. What a skeevy twerp. “It’s time to show again how Americans lead.” Like the last 8 years. This is so stoopid my brain is hurting. Pleeze.2.Make.To.Stop.Soon.

  20. Wow, he mentioned Iran and terrorist in the same breath – I did not see that coming! Oh, he is the candidate of change! I’m running out right now and getting pregnant with good Christian babies!

  21. “I’m not afraid of them. I have guards, and magical coat of invisibility and anti-nuckular death rays. Eat a dick, elite colored city folk!”

  22. “I know how the world works. I know the good and evil in it.” For you see my friends, I was there in the Garden of Eden and ate of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil when I was a lad.

  23. this is pretty terrible. i promised tonight i would not listen and it would be ‘rage against the machine’.

    however, i got sucked in and actually, i think it’s ‘katrina and the waves’.

  24. Man, remind me to never attend “An Evening with John and Cindy McCain” at Carnegie Hall. Between her stoner address to the nation and his robotic re-sets because he doesn’t understand teleprompters…argh. Of course, we’ll be told that “this isn’t his forum” “he’s better with informal settings” but if the D’s are smart, they’ll just chop this up and use it in their ads.

  25. I know how the miltary works! I know how to crash a plane! I know how to get in the box! I know how to pretend that I wasn’t part of the problem of Washington!

  26. ZOMG Not the Russian Empire!! Peter the Great was willing to fight for over 20 years to get St. Petersburg! Nothing can stop him! He *will* assert his supremacy in the Balkan Sea!

  27. “I hate war. It’s terrible beyond all imagination.”
    That’s why I pretended Baghdad was at peace when I was walking around in that market with 100 troops and six helicopters providing security.

  28. Fuck this shit. This fuckin’ sucks.

    “I will use my whitebread grampa sleepytime voice to lull Putin to sleep, then I’ll take my grasp my right arm with my left arm and use that lifeless stubbin to beat the Rooskie to death!”

  29. It is physically painful to listen to this speech – his delivery makes my ears bleed. Of course, I can’t get to a doctor because there’s a damn bureaucrat standing in the way….

  30. We have to change the way we do business in Washington. I should know, I’ve been there for 28 years.

    “The constant partisan rancour is what you heard from my VP choice yesterday.”

  31. Time for Obama to go to attack mode on McCain’s record. I cannot believe that the Keating Five and the S&L crisis have hardly been mentioned in this campaign.

  32. “I have that record, and the scars to prove it… Senator Obama does not.”

    I’m glad he’s gotten over that reluctance to talk about his time in Viet-FUCKIN’-naaam!

  33. Every time he says something about reaching across the aisle and working with others (non republicans) you can feel the nasty mean-spirited assholes in the audience wanting to boo but just restraining themselves.

  34. I’ve been an imperfect servant. A servant first and last and imperfect always…He tied an onion around his belt, as was the style of the day…Here it is…”Day One of my capitvity….”


  36. I’m beginning to sense that Fred Thompson’s speech had some inaccuracies. He said that the Viet Cong broke his arms, didn’t he? Also, that McCain was scared to fly out? Turns out he wasn’t?

  37. Wait a second, I thought the story was that the Vietnamese broke his arms? He did that himself from crashing? Why is he being overly honest in this speech and wrecking his own mythos?

  38. Wait… He was a maverick but then he wasn’t because he learned about people. then he was a maverick again?

    This narrative is confusing.

  39. IF he ends this speech with the statement that he was tortured, and that therefore as President he will make sure that America will not torture again like it has under the Bush admin, then I will forgive them for everything we’ve had to put up with over the last four days. Do it, McCain, just.. please show us that Republicans are still human beings. I mean that sincerely.

  40. “I was beginning to learn the limits of my selfish independence. Those men saved my life.”
    And from that moment on I vowed never to stay married to a crippled old lady.

  41. I’m still puzzled by the idea that he “turned down” early release as a POW.

    How did that work, exactly?

    The North Vietnamese could have just thrown him on a plane, or through the gate of the Swedish Embassy.

  42. OK, it’s time for Daily Show. Fuck John’s testifyin’. “I was a piec eof flotsam on the sea of life. I was a mess. I had no friends. I was friendless. Then I met these wonderful people. They were the friends of the friendless. Now I have friends. Good friends. True friends. FRIENDS.”

  43. Oh dear Cthulh!

    I love you, Wonkette, but this is all I can stand – last night’s Daily Show is coming on (I live in Wyoming, it’s 9:00 now), so it’s off to soothe my soul with some sweet, sweet Stewart.

    The rest of you brave, drunk, souls – good night!

  44. [re=86244]WonksRunAmuck[/re]:

    “I liked to bend a few rules and pick a few fights for the fun of it”

    Translation: I enjoyed being a true King Prick every chance I got. Yeah, I was that guy.

  45. My friend Brian has a great line the Dems can use (FOR A SMALL FEE).
    Republicans believe in the sanctity of life….but only from conception to birth. After that, fuck you, Suckkka.

    Follow with the obvious…

  46. [re=86253]obfuscator[/re]: Holy jeebus crizzum. I’m reading this, Kos, and 538 simultaneously and that’s the first thing anyone has said that made me laugh out loud. Does that mean I’m a racist / can I be President now?

  47. WALNUTS!, if you’re going to say Barry thinks he’s Jesus, then at LEAST admit that you’ve been playing the I WAS TORTURED/I AM A MARTYR CARD FOR ALL FUCKING TIME

  48. “I wasn’t my own man anymore, I was my country’s”… So was it your country that inspired you to ditch the long-suffering wife for the rich tail, or was that you, Walnuts?

  49. [re=86254]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Dick Wolf didn’t write Fred’s speech last night, so he was a little off his feed. Plus, who wants to research when there’s whiskey to be drunk.

  50. “I’m not running because I think I’m blessed with personal greatness and history has somehow anointed me to save her in her hour of need.”

    No? Didn’t you see the video?

  51. Seriously, I am kind of in awe of what he went through. It was gutty and amazing.

    I don’t mind him telling this story, over and over again (though, why the teleprompter…doesn’t he know it?).

    What’s really annoying….all the douchey looking frat boys in the audience who wouldn’t volunteer to serve their country if their life depended on it. Nope, that’s for the poor folk.

  52. Fuck fucking fuck John McCain and his fucking fuck bullshit story.

    I was a POW = I was a fucking pussy

    I fought against my captors = I tried to limit the number of blow jobs I gave each day

    I am a hero = dear Jesus, I couldn’t possibly be worse than w; vote for me goddammit!

  53. Construct a series of window displays on home safety!
    Or go to a dairy and learn how milk is made.

    If he believes that, why has he been sucking up to the guy who said to go shopping and drive more for a stronger America?

  54. “Nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause that makes rich people awesomer and lets me make this creepy smile fifty fucking times a day.”

    “FIGHT WITH ME!?!?!?” Is he threatening us? Jesus, I’m terrified.

  55. God damn Tesla and the reproduction of sound I have U.S.A….! Rolling around again and again in my head, sort of like in 2004 when I was just minding my own business and think of “FOUR MORE YEARS!!!”, boy fascism is a curse to let down, it is a curse to let down, let’s see if walnuts has the opportunity to speak his mind, “we’ll talk about that later” yeah because he doesn’t have a teleprompter telling him what to say, YEAH.

  56. That’s it??? I’d give that about 2 out of 10 on excitement. 0 out of 10 on information and policy detail. Now someone go tuck McCain in bed…he looks sleepy.

  57. [re=86330]Walter Sobchak[/re]: You’re qualified to be prezidints only if you were tortured for something and a half years and are ever so reticent to talk about it.

  58. god that was boring. more wine please! did i hear that the daily show was on…sweet? PS what dickface wrote the song “RAISING MCCAIN”??? Howev: that’s cause he got in big troubs with EVERY other song he played as all the bands hated him.

  59. What song is that? I already hated it. Now the hate is totally more hateful. Also, I feel like clubbing a homo. Who is with me?


  60. Is it really true that John McCain was a Prisoner of War? I can’t believe that no one has ever mentioned it until now!!! Man, that guy can keep a secret can’t he!

  61. So it’s the POW thing that annointed him. About 600 guys who were in their with him. Can we interview some of the other 600, see if they finished in at least the top half of their class, or at least weren’t responsible for a billion dollar S&L crisis? Can we get Max Cleland? I know he wasn’t a POW, but limbs should count too.

  62. “Join the military, become a teacher, but whatever you do, do not EVER become a community organizer. Those guys are bitches and probably gay like Obama whom I have nothing bad to say about.”

    “John McCain understands the struggles of non-beer heiresses. I mean, he said their NAMES. I didn’t even know they HAD names!”

  64. From Wikipedia:

    “In 1977 Heart’s record label, Mushroom Records, fueled rumors that Ann and Nancy were lesbian lovers by running a full-page ad in Rolling Stone showing the sisters bare-shouldered and suggestively captioned, “It was only our first time”. When a reporter suggested, backstage after a live appearance, that the sisters were sex partners, Ann returned to her hotel room and wrote the lyrics to “Barracuda” to relieve her frustration.”

  65. Worst. Speech. Ever. And this was a convention full of poor speeches. What a fiasco. If I was a scrillion dollar donor to the RNC, I’d think about asking for my $$ back. Ridiculous. Her speech last night was a shrill harridan’s call to destroy the world as we know it, while his tonight was the random ramblings of a tired old man (and boy does he look old tonight). If he dies on the trail, it’s her don’t forget.

    Good to see Levi is out of his box for one more night (please respect our family’s privacy)


    UPDATE: CodePink spokesman Jean Stevens confirmed that the group was responsible. She said the two women forced out of the hall by security were Elizabeth Hourican, 38 years old, of Phoenix and Nancy Mancias, 38, of San Francisco. Both women are fulltime activists, Stevens said, adding that they had obtained passes to the convention from disaffected Republicans and wore pink slips saying “McCain Equals More War.”

  67. “We Make History”

    Yep, by waisting three days of my life and not telling me anything you plan to do if you are president.

    And isn’t it a bit elitist to have your own song?

  68. Fucking BARRACUDA! Yes! Heart and douchey republicans complete me.

    I can totally five star this fucker on Guitar Hero III, BTW.
    (ON HARD. YEAH, my guitarist’s name is Larry Craig)

  69. The barracuda is a ray-finned fish known for its large size and fearsome appearance. Its body is long, fairly compressed, and covered with small, smooth scales. It is of the genus Sphyraena, the only genus in the family Sphyraenidae.

  70. Alright, I’m gonna say it: I thought that was the best fucking speech I have ever head from John McCain. I saw him in a completely different light. You may commence the beatdown…

  71. [re=86485]mcgeorge[/re]: Wait, there was a speech on tonight? I flipped over to it, but I thought it was my granpa’s video will, so I turned it back to football.

  72. [re=86485]mcgeorge[/re]: Wait, seriously?

    I mean, I guess in the speech he tried to present a different “image”–that of service and unity and stuff. But all the “facts” and “plans” were lies and distortions.

  73. They played “Barracuda” earlier, too. Around 6pm. It was humorous seeing the dustfarts in the audience look around apprehensively. I’m sure the futuristic sound of electric guitars really threw them.

  74. If only the crowd had started chanting “Four More Years!” Because after three days, apparently there is nothing they are going to do differently.

  75. Nice song choice: “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang. I bet that’s what’s playing in every home where the owners can’t afford gas, food, or their mortgage payment anymore. Kind of sums up the GOP, right?

  76. With the flyaway jacket Cindy McCunt looks like she is 5 1/2 months. Get these stupid fucks off the teevee already and start talking shit about them pleez.

  77. Yes, he almost seemed human for a moment. Doomed, confused, human.

    He should have just played a video of Kucinich from the DNC for the “stand up! stand up!” part.

    Well, that happened. Everyone in the auditorium can stop being offensive to everyone watching the teevee and go home and back to being offensive to everyone they know.

  78. So if his candidacy is about some new plan for government change and purification in DC, he must be talking about some third party that he’s neglected to tell us about.

  79. chris wallace of FUX is a complete shit who is actually arguing with wolfson, defending mccain. he’s alleged to be the question asker.

    piece o shit that man.

  80. From my unnamed friend who’s been teleprompting at this thing:
    “Giuliani found a water bottle waiting for him at the lectern, which he downed during his rehearsal. Little did he know that it was actually Congressman Fred Thompson of Tennessee’s water, and he had already taken a sip out of it!

    Giuliani’s wife sneezed and nobody said anything. She said “thank you.” Then everybody said “bless you.”

    Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson are very very nice, and I must admit, likable. Despite the fact that Giuliani was also nice and said I was “great,” Giuliani is not. He oozes sleaze. And he refused to give a speech at the convention if it didn’t mention September 11. That’s kind of his thing I guess. Mentioning September 11.”

    used without permission.

  81. [re=86474]grendel[/re]:

    If the real thing dont do the trick
    No, you better make up something quick
    You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
    Ooooooohhhh, barra barracuda.

  82. It doesn’t seem to be relevant to the party faithful that the GOP has been mostly running the show for the last eight years. Or that seven of the nine Supreme Court Justices were appointed by Republican Presidents. Or that the list of partisan and/or mismanagement outrages under Bush should be long enough to discourage all but the partisan optimist.

  83. McCain: “I know some of you have been left behind in the changing economy, and it often sees that your government hasn’t even noticed. Government assistance for the unemployed workers was designed for the economy of the 1950s. That’s going to change on my watch. … We will use our community colleges to help train people for new opportunities in their communities.”

    Hmm, where have I heard that before?

    GW Bush, 2004: “We’re not training enough people to fill the jobs of the 21st century. There’s a skills gap.”

    Same year: “President Bush wants to spend $250 million to help the nation’s 1,100 community colleges train workers for a 21st century economy.”

  84. Norah O’Donnell posits that Obama will now have a problem with non-college-educated women b/c of Palin. Huh?! This woman, who would not PERMIT me to care for my own body, etc.?! Excuse me, but I’ll not be asking that woman PERMISSION for anything.

  85. How to bite the ass of the republicans that cause us grief:

    1. John McCain was leader of the Keating Five, and interceded on behalf of convict Charles Keating in the S&L fraud which cost taxpayers billions.

    2. John McCain got a taxpayer-funded education at the US Naval Academy because his father and grandfather were both U.S. Navy admirals.

    3. John McCain never made it to admiral, actually he was lucky to have been able to keep his citizenship.

    4. John McCain graduated 895th in a class of 900, that’s fifth from the bottom at the US Naval Academy at Annapolis for those of you who were lifers.

    5. John McCain was considered to be an ace in the Viet Nam War for destroying five aircraft. However, it should be noted that each of those downed aircraft were ours. He was received that “ACE” status from the Vietnamese.

    6. John McCain pledged the proceeds from public campaign financing, which ‘reform’ legislation is one of his major ‘credits’, to collateralize a loan. Then he broke his own law by saying he was not bound by his pledge.

    and some from column “B”

    1. Sarah didn’t save the good folks a dime on their state taxes, as Alaska doesn’t have a state personal income tax.

    2. The city where she got her leadership experience had a population that was double the number of students at my high school on a non-holiday weekday.

    3. The state of Alaska has a population that is about one sixth the population of the city of Los Angeles, which has a mayor that fools around with the local Latina news chick. He’s an incompetent bumbling big mouth asshole too.

    4. The hard words on her teleprompter were spelled out phonetically.

  86. [re=86507]NoWireHangers[/re]: Of course the plans are flawed (though I’m not a fan of Democratic education plans). For the first time, I understood the sacrifice he made, and how it changed him. I saw him like he was in 2000, someone with huge integrity. Unfortunately, it’s 2008.

  87. Ah, the beauty of hearing Walnuts speak about adult illiteracy while someone held up a sign that read “MAVRICK.” Beautiful. Irony, you are a lovely thing.

  88. We played a fun drinking game: Every time the word “Maverick” was mentioned, or “POW” status was invoked, or a minority in the audience was shown, a drink was had. This was later amended to include anytime Walnuts blinked more than three times, quickly, in a row. Now I’m hammered.

  89. So the Republican line is that major disasters are okay if you can apply minor fixes. McCain helped destroy a country, but he supported the surge that made it a tiny bit safer… Yay McCain. Bristol Palin gets pregnant, but she decided to keep the baby…. Yay Bristol. The Bush Admin destroyed the economy, but he gave us a few hundred dollars in tax rebates… Yay Bush Admin. Cheney shoots a guy in the face, but offered to give him a band-aid………………. What? Even Republicans know Cheney’s a jerk.

  90. If GMILF can field dress a moose, she can gut and hang this old coot. She could lure him into the woods under the guise of running away slowly, for example…. McCain would call off the Secret Service folk himself in anticipation of doing the wild thing with Nanookie of the North. Go on, Sarah, be a hero! That bastard fought your earmarks for the meth-cookers in your town; a good field-dressing will set him straight.

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