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All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST.

9:30 CT — This speech will last at least seven or nine hours. He reads slower than anyone else on earth, even illiterate people, and he keeps getting interrupted by Code Pink gals who are then tackled to the cement steps by Secret Service agents. Then everyone shouts USA USA for a few seconds and whiff, poof, another few words of Speech before it happens all over again. God Bless America, this naive wonder of ours.
9:31 — John McCain fights for some random couple, “Bill” and his wife “Sue.” Ha, someone behind me just went “Wow” when he heard that Sue works three jobs. Who knew? Maybe we should give her some government programs and shit if that’s the case.
9:32 — “We let Washington change us.” Oh God, now he’s insulting his own party, “some Republicans” who were corrupt. Oh don’t be so modest, Walnuts — it was all Republican, except you, The Maverick Sun King of Sedona.
9:33 — Now he’s saying that our Latina daughters are “all Americans.” No, they’re Illegals from one of the 70 or 80 Mexicos across the globe. Just because *you* have a Latina daughter from Bangladesh, Walnuts, doesn’t mean we all should like Mexicans.
9:37 — Obama will raise taxes on YOU, the mouth-breather. He will also put a bureaucrat — let’s call him, say, Mr. Gay Pants The Bureaucrat — between you and your doctor, who will be NAKED under an Obama administration.
9:39 — Who’s winning the football game? The Knickerbockers or the Reds?
9:41 — Now he calls education the “civil rights struggle of the 21st century.” Does that mean that when a famous teacher’s birthday is proposed as a federal holiday, he will veto it? Yes, because of the blacks.
9:43 — Blah blah blah economy, let’s talk about The New Oils.
9:44 — “We’ll attack the problem on every front.” THIS IS WHY YOU SCARE US, Firebomb McWarpants.
9:45 — One of those protester gals looked kinda cute. Maybe. And now she’s in Gitmo, forever, or dead. Both.
9:48 — Hmm, what is this Russia of which he speaks? This Russia character apparently has been invading oil-rich nations with the bonus psychotic idea of intimidating neighbor nations. But, well, mostly the oil. Silly weird country, “Russia.”
9:50 — He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.
9:53 — “I’ve been an imperfect servant to my country… but I’ve always been a servant.” Or something. Well, as long as he’s been serving for X number of years, those “imperfections” just kinda become “stories we laugh about later.”
9:55 — Ooh, apparently he crashed a plane in Vietnam once.
9:56 — When he woke with two broken arms, a crowd of angry people was looking at him. “AND THAT WAS JUST THIS MORNING!” He shouts, everyone goes nuts. “SOME GORILLA WAS RAPIN’ OL’ CINDYPANTS HERE.” Crowd goes… insane.
9:58 — When he was in Jail, in the War, his country adopted him from his father. AND THEN HE SAW A GORILLA RAPIN’ BARRY OBAMA IN THE STREET and that’s why Obama cannot be president, so help me God.
10:01 — He just told us to “teach an illiterate adult to read.” No silly, that’s the Welfare State’s job! And then he mentions a few other ways in which you can put Country Above Self. Basically, they read like a job description for a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago.
10:03 — He just babbled for a full minute about “never giving up,” and everyone clapped like trained monkeys for no reason. What was the last minute of his speech? Maybe he crapped his pants and was just trying to get some help.
10:04 — Well, that was fine. To be quite honest, it was classier than what we’d expected — now, of course, he has that “pitbull” to say the crabby stuff. This works for him. Goodnight, Walnuts.

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