football's on another channel

Liveblogging The End Of John ‘Walnuts’ McCain’s Address To Outer Space

All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST.

9:30 CT — This speech will last at least seven or nine hours. He reads slower than anyone else on earth, even illiterate people, and he keeps getting interrupted by Code Pink gals who are then tackled to the cement steps by Secret Service agents. Then everyone shouts USA USA for a few seconds and whiff, poof, another few words of Speech before it happens all over again. God Bless America, this naive wonder of ours.
9:31 — John McCain fights for some random couple, “Bill” and his wife “Sue.” Ha, someone behind me just went “Wow” when he heard that Sue works three jobs. Who knew? Maybe we should give her some government programs and shit if that’s the case.
9:32 — “We let Washington change us.” Oh God, now he’s insulting his own party, “some Republicans” who were corrupt. Oh don’t be so modest, Walnuts — it was all Republican, except you, The Maverick Sun King of Sedona.
9:33 — Now he’s saying that our Latina daughters are “all Americans.” No, they’re Illegals from one of the 70 or 80 Mexicos across the globe. Just because *you* have a Latina daughter from Bangladesh, Walnuts, doesn’t mean we all should like Mexicans.
9:37 — Obama will raise taxes on YOU, the mouth-breather. He will also put a bureaucrat — let’s call him, say, Mr. Gay Pants The Bureaucrat — between you and your doctor, who will be NAKED under an Obama administration.
9:39 — Who’s winning the football game? The Knickerbockers or the Reds?
9:41 — Now he calls education the “civil rights struggle of the 21st century.” Does that mean that when a famous teacher’s birthday is proposed as a federal holiday, he will veto it? Yes, because of the blacks.
9:43 — Blah blah blah economy, let’s talk about The New Oils.
9:44 — “We’ll attack the problem on every front.” THIS IS WHY YOU SCARE US, Firebomb McWarpants.
9:45 — One of those protester gals looked kinda cute. Maybe. And now she’s in Gitmo, forever, or dead. Both.
9:48 — Hmm, what is this Russia of which he speaks? This Russia character apparently has been invading oil-rich nations with the bonus psychotic idea of intimidating neighbor nations. But, well, mostly the oil. Silly weird country, “Russia.”
9:50 — He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.
9:53 — “I’ve been an imperfect servant to my country… but I’ve always been a servant.” Or something. Well, as long as he’s been serving for X number of years, those “imperfections” just kinda become “stories we laugh about later.”
9:55 — Ooh, apparently he crashed a plane in Vietnam once.
9:56 — When he woke with two broken arms, a crowd of angry people was looking at him. “AND THAT WAS JUST THIS MORNING!” He shouts, everyone goes nuts. “SOME GORILLA WAS RAPIN’ OL’ CINDYPANTS HERE.” Crowd goes… insane.
9:58 — When he was in Jail, in the War, his country adopted him from his father. AND THEN HE SAW A GORILLA RAPIN’ BARRY OBAMA IN THE STREET and that’s why Obama cannot be president, so help me God.
10:01 — He just told us to “teach an illiterate adult to read.” No silly, that’s the Welfare State’s job! And then he mentions a few other ways in which you can put Country Above Self. Basically, they read like a job description for a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago.
10:03 — He just babbled for a full minute about “never giving up,” and everyone clapped like trained monkeys for no reason. What was the last minute of his speech? Maybe he crapped his pants and was just trying to get some help.
10:04 — Well, that was fine. To be quite honest, it was classier than what we’d expected — now, of course, he has that “pitbull” to say the crabby stuff. This works for him. Goodnight, Walnuts.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. AnnieGetYourFun

    Fuck, I hate that “fake gentle” voice that politicians use when they talk about their anecdotal families that they will never care about after tonight. That voice. It haunts me.

  2. vicuna

    They have to shout USA USA USA! To make the speech seem less like Captain Koon’s watch-up-the-ass story in Pulp Fiction.

  3. StripesAndPlaids

    And who is taking all the protestors out? Security? Concerned citizens? Members of the Wasilla Militia? Hockey moms who don’t have lipstick? Who?

  4. accidental_tourist

    Oh, this is rich. In the primary debates McCain stood on stage and laughed, rolled his eyes, and made rude comments every time Ron Paul spoke.

    So far tonight, FOUR TIMES he has quoted Ron Paul word for word. Without attribution, of course. Asshole.

  5. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    He says he fought for all these specific people, but he doesn’t say one thing he did for them, other than use them in a speech.

  6. AngryBlakGuy

    …Wow, so Obama is the candidate of big oil? Not the man who received 2 million dollars in donations from big oil or the woman married to an oil rig worker?

  7. AnnieGetYourFun

    Applause died down a bit on the Latina daughter of migrant worker thing. Back up to loud applause with the anti-abortion thing.

  8. Dr. Zoidberg

    I am, literally, falling asleep. WALNUTS! speaks in a droning monotone that inspires nothing so much in me as a desire to take a little nap.

    Forget Palin – can you imagine this seething cauldron of lassitude giving a State of the Union speech, or conducting talks with foreign leaders?

    I am not an ageist, but dear Cthulhu, this man is too old to be the President of the United States.

  9. DoctorCulturae

    We believe in people keeping their fruits…

    “A culture of life..” what does that mean?! [vomit]

  10. AnnieGetYourFun

    “Legislate from the bench” is different than “rule on the constitutionality of a given law being challenged in the courts”. No?

  11. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    9:32 — “We let Washington change us.” Oh God, now he’s insulting his own party, “some Republicans” who were corrupt. Oh don’t be so modest, Walnuts — it was all Republican, except you, The Maverick Sun King of Sedona.

    Best live blog of the week. And it is hard to be corrupted by the lobbyist when you are busy filling your campaign with them.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    More than half an hour and not a specific mention of what he’s going to do. Oh — my opponent will raise taxes. Wow.

  13. upperleft

    I think his tech guys made a deal with Colbert, give me green screen and you’re cool.
    The blue screen works too so go at it people!

  14. vicuna

    “Where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor”


    “Except Abortion doctors!”

    Yaaaay! USA USA USA

  15. Strappo

    They’re mad good at booing though.

    Johnny Mac has totally gone over to the other side, all the fucking Heritage Foundation cliches about economics. He doesn’t understand what the fuck he’s saying. Dipshit.

  16. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Dear God. Remember when the Republicans were the party of ideas?

    Where’s the beef? “I’m going to make things perfect. Won’t tell you how, but cutting taxes will make everything just fine, especially if you make over five million.”

  17. iwillsavethispatient

    As a former resident of a country with true socialized medicine, can I say that I never had a bureaucrat standing in the way between me and my doctor. Unless, he was the previous guy in line, of course.

  18. hockeymom

    There ain’t going to be any markets to invest in, John. After Sarah opened her mouth, the markets tanked. Coincidence? I think not.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, good — he’s gonna cut unmemployment insurance. Have fun picking through the trash, AFL-CIO workers!

  20. DoctorCulturae

    We will wave a magic wand and provide happiness for all who are selfish enough to stand on the shoulders of others.

  21. hockeymom

    Wow…did he just tell people they can expect to get lower paying jobs in his administration?
    Well sign me up!

  22. AnnieGetYourFun

    Oh, yeah. GO after the bad teachers. That’s the problem with our schools. Teachers are just SO lazy.

  23. OffTheRecord

    Christ he looks orange next to that blue screen. I kind of wish the protesters had let him fuck this up on his own, because really it is pathetic but now he has an excuse.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    “What is the value of access to a failing school?”
    Spoken like a legacy admission to a $40,000 a year private prep school.

  25. hockeymom

    Yay for Choice!
    Oh, not that kind of choice.
    Choice in school…like believing Jesus walked with the dinosaurs and big oil.

  26. AnnieGetYourFun

    Um, hey, so… did I miss something, or can parents not send their kids to public, private, or charter schools now? Also, home-schooling? I’m sure that the poor don’t have that choice currently, but McCain’s certainly not going to offer that to poor people.

  27. iwillsavethispatient

    haha.. McCain stumbled over “student, parents” because he was thinking “student parents”, or Bristol as her mother calls her.

  28. ladymacbeth

    [re=85868]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: actually i hate that old man shakey voice. that will likely keep me awake again tonight just like shrillbillie snow voice kept me awake LAST night

    i cannot wait for this to end.

  29. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Can someone send out Sarah Palin to find those Styrofoam columns so that there is something behind McCain so id doesn’t look like he is waiting for Jar Jar Binks to show up.

  30. Dr. Zoidberg

    Oh, that was sweet! Pan of the crowd, and someone’s checking his BlackBerry! Probably donating to Hopey.

  31. OffTheRecord

    Um…isn’t some of that 700 Billion going to Iraq who you like very much Walnuts?

    Oh god. I panicked when he said attack.

  32. DoctorCulturae

    We’ll stop sending money to countries that don’t like us and our vindictive attitude will be blessed by Jeebus.

  33. snig

    [re=85868]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: CBS showed the Kentucky crowd sitting on their hands for the Latina daughters, but got their mojo back for the “keeping more of you money” line.

  34. bugland

    “We’ll produce more… en-er-gy at home… We’ll drill! new! wells! And we’ll drill them naaaow!”

  35. WeDeserveThisFate

    John, I’ve been a teacher for 7 years in Brownsville, Brooklyn. Every student, teacher, and parent in our school will be voting for Obama. So leave us out of it. Thanks.

  36. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    All right, education, which the Republicans insist is a local issue, will be taken over by John McCain (at no expense, since he is cutting all taxes). And this leads us into drill hear, drill now.

    Plus drilling now will help the enviroment.

  37. SayItWithWookies

    We’ll drill wells offshore now? Okay — exploratory wells. After we do seismic studies. And we’ll start drilling after a rig is freed up. And of course it’ll have to sit around waiting for a refinery. So by “now,” I mean ten years from now.

  38. AnnieGetYourFun

    Um, does he not get that the global economy is directly tied to cheap oil, and once that’s gone, so is the global economy?

    Why did I just ask that?

  39. SayItWithWookies

    “It’s an ambitious plan…”
    But hell — if we can send a man to Mars, we can find oil where there isn’t any.

  40. Neilist

    From the audience reaction, I’m pretty sure this election is about three things:

    1. Drilling for something.

    2. Uppity nigrahs.

    3. Retarded babies.

  41. DoctorCulturae

    What a skeevy twerp. “It’s time to show again how Americans lead.” Like the last 8 years. This is so stoopid my brain is hurting. Pleeze.2.Make.To.Stop.Soon.

  42. Dr. Zoidberg

    Wow, he mentioned Iran and terrorist in the same breath – I did not see that coming! Oh, he is the candidate of change! I’m running out right now and getting pregnant with good Christian babies!

  43. Whiskeybaby

    That clean energy bullshit line got a great reaction, didn’t it? The morons in the audience are all like “Wha? We like that hippie shit now?”

  44. SayItWithWookies

    “The brave people of Georgia need our solidarity and our prayers.”
    And that’s all they’re going to get. Wheee.

  45. snig

    I can’t stand millionaires griping about how teachers are lazy and don’t work. If it’s such an easy overprivileged job, you do it.

  46. Dubya's Pusha Man

    “I’m not afraid of them. I have guards, and magical coat of invisibility and anti-nuckular death rays. Eat a dick, elite colored city folk!”

  47. DoctorCulturae

    I’m not afraid of them, as long as I get my nappies, and believe me friends, it’s time for little Johnny to go to beddies soon.

  48. hockeymom

    Hey…shout out to Georgia!

    I guarantee Sarah Palin couldn’t locate the continent Georgia was located on, if you spotted her three continents.

  49. naveed

    What’s with the stupid blue background? Did they run out of flags to put back there? Also lapel pins of said flags?

  50. Neilist

    “I know how the military works . . . .”

    Yes, you put the dumbest guy in the class into the most expensive aircraft you have.


  51. AngryBlakGuy

    …the last military action he saw was in the Carthaginian War, what the fukk makes anyone think he understands the modern military?!

  52. Dubya's Pusha Man

    [re=86035]WeDeserveThisFate[/re]: I live near there. You deserve a Purple Heart for doing that job. Good for you.

  53. Anonymous Office Zombie

    “I know how the world works. I know the good and evil in it.” For you see my friends, I was there in the Garden of Eden and ate of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil when I was a lad.

  54. ladymacbeth

    this is pretty terrible. i promised tonight i would not listen and it would be ‘rage against the machine’.

    however, i got sucked in and actually, i think it’s ‘katrina and the waves’.

  55. smellyal8r

    Man, remind me to never attend “An Evening with John and Cindy McCain” at Carnegie Hall. Between her stoner address to the nation and his robotic re-sets because he doesn’t understand teleprompters…argh. Of course, we’ll be told that “this isn’t his forum” “he’s better with informal settings” but if the D’s are smart, they’ll just chop this up and use it in their ads.

  56. Jimb

    I know how the miltary works! I know how to crash a plane! I know how to get in the box! I know how to pretend that I wasn’t part of the problem of Washington!

  57. itgetter

    ZOMG Not the Russian Empire!! Peter the Great was willing to fight for over 20 years to get St. Petersburg! Nothing can stop him! He *will* assert his supremacy in the Balkan Sea!

  58. hockeymom

    You mean a horse and buggy pulled up to your house when you were five. Cars were not invented at that time.

    Oh, and war is bad.

  59. SayItWithWookies

    “I hate war. It’s terrible beyond all imagination.”
    That’s why I pretended Baghdad was at peace when I was walking around in that market with 100 troops and six helicopters providing security.

  60. obfuscator

    Fuck this shit. This fuckin’ sucks.

    “I will use my whitebread grampa sleepytime voice to lull Putin to sleep, then I’ll take my grasp my right arm with my left arm and use that lifeless stubbin to beat the Rooskie to death!”

  61. Dr. Zoidberg

    It is physically painful to listen to this speech – his delivery makes my ears bleed. Of course, I can’t get to a doctor because there’s a damn bureaucrat standing in the way….

  62. jagorev

    Did he just note that “education” was part of the function of government? There goes the Norquist crowd.

  63. Walter Sobchak

    [re=86076]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Heard that one before, in some context or other. Are we at war with Russia now?

  64. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    We have to change the way we do business in Washington. I should know, I’ve been there for 28 years.

    “The constant partisan rancour is what you heard from my VP choice yesterday.”

  65. iwillsavethispatient

    Yes, we must use Information Technology to change Washington, with a President who can’t use a computer.

  66. AnnieGetYourFun

    HA! He’ll reach out to anyone to make this country better. Including, oh, say… Osama Bin Laden?

  67. nyhfrog

    He’ll reach out his hand after his minions spend two evenings attacking his political enemies…scumbag.

  68. jagorev

    Time for Obama to go to attack mode on McCain’s record. I cannot believe that the Keating Five and the S&L crisis have hardly been mentioned in this campaign.

  69. SayItWithWookies

    He’s changed Warshington so much that he’s still complaining about how much it sucks. Vote McCain!

  70. obfuscator

    “I have that record, and the scars to prove it… Senator Obama does not.”

    I’m glad he’s gotten over that reluctance to talk about his time in Viet-FUCKIN’-naaam!

  71. Whiskeybaby

    Every time he says something about reaching across the aisle and working with others (non republicans) you can feel the nasty mean-spirited assholes in the audience wanting to boo but just restraining themselves.

  72. Strappo

    “Everybody wants to rule the world.” — Tears for Fears. Fears. Oh Fears.

    wait!!! now he’s doing the Suffering Servant routine! Isaiah! Jesus!

  73. smellyal8r

    I’ve been an imperfect servant. A servant first and last and imperfect always…He tied an onion around his belt, as was the style of the day…Here it is…”Day One of my capitvity….”

  74. Dernyul


  75. sylamore

    Tell us what you did in the war, Pops. Again. And again. And again. Good thing he never uses his POW status to political advantage.

  76. forgracie

    Christopher Walken plays him in the movie we shoot into space to explain why the Earth is desolate…bets?

  77. AnnieGetYourFun

    I’m beginning to sense that Fred Thompson’s speech had some inaccuracies. He said that the Viet Cong broke his arms, didn’t he? Also, that McCain was scared to fly out? Turns out he wasn’t?

  78. CivicHoliday

    Wait a second, I thought the story was that the Vietnamese broke his arms? He did that himself from crashing? Why is he being overly honest in this speech and wrecking his own mythos?

  79. Franklin Pierce & Pierce

    Wait… He was a maverick but then he wasn’t because he learned about people. then he was a maverick again?

    This narrative is confusing.

  80. MissWasilla

    i learned the limits of my selfish independence, and then came home and dumped my faithful crippled wife.
    stay classy WALNUTS!!

  81. jagorev

    IF he ends this speech with the statement that he was tortured, and that therefore as President he will make sure that America will not torture again like it has under the Bush admin, then I will forgive them for everything we’ve had to put up with over the last four days. Do it, McCain, just.. please show us that Republicans are still human beings. I mean that sincerely.

  82. SayItWithWookies

    “I was beginning to learn the limits of my selfish independence. Those men saved my life.”
    And from that moment on I vowed never to stay married to a crippled old lady.

  83. obfuscator

    I bet his captors offered him early release becuase he was an insufferable prick.

    “You leave now, Yankee Joe! You major #1 asshole!”

  84. essrog

    I want to hear him tell this complete director’s cut version of his POW story next time he’s asked about his houses

  85. Christastic

    Did you know that Walnuts was tortured while he was a POW?!?! How did he keep this stuff under wraps for so long?

  86. Neilist

    I’m still puzzled by the idea that he “turned down” early release as a POW.

    How did that work, exactly?

    The North Vietnamese could have just thrown him on a plane, or through the gate of the Swedish Embassy.

  87. Strappo

    OK, it’s time for Daily Show. Fuck John’s testifyin’. “I was a piec eof flotsam on the sea of life. I was a mess. I had no friends. I was friendless. Then I met these wonderful people. They were the friends of the friendless. Now I have friends. Good friends. True friends. FRIENDS.”

  88. Dr. Zoidberg

    Oh dear Cthulh!

    I love you, Wonkette, but this is all I can stand – last night’s Daily Show is coming on (I live in Wyoming, it’s 9:00 now), so it’s off to soothe my soul with some sweet, sweet Stewart.

    The rest of you brave, drunk, souls – good night!

  89. snig

    I kind of think that growing up black in this society might give you some kind of scars. Not that it’s for me to say, being only swarthy at most.

  90. obfuscator


    “I liked to bend a few rules and pick a few fights for the fun of it”

    Translation: I enjoyed being a true King Prick every chance I got. Yeah, I was that guy.

  91. WeDeserveThisFate

    My friend Brian has a great line the Dems can use (FOR A SMALL FEE).
    Republicans believe in the sanctity of life….but only from conception to birth. After that, fuck you, Suckkka.

    Follow with the obvious…

  92. Walter Sobchak

    [re=86253]obfuscator[/re]: Holy jeebus crizzum. I’m reading this, Kos, and 538 simultaneously and that’s the first thing anyone has said that made me laugh out loud. Does that mean I’m a racist / can I be President now?

  93. NoWireHangers

    WALNUTS!, if you’re going to say Barry thinks he’s Jesus, then at LEAST admit that you’ve been playing the I WAS TORTURED/I AM A MARTYR CARD FOR ALL FUCKING TIME

  94. Dubya's Pusha Man

    He’s lucky that his country is so wealthy. If she was like Bhutan or Zimbabwe or something, he’d leave it right quick to get to a rich one.

  95. WindbagCity

    “I wasn’t my own man anymore, I was my country’s”… So was it your country that inspired you to ditch the long-suffering wife for the rich tail, or was that you, Walnuts?

  96. smellyal8r

    [re=86254]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Dick Wolf didn’t write Fred’s speech last night, so he was a little off his feed. Plus, who wants to research when there’s whiskey to be drunk.

  97. Anonymous Office Zombie

    You think you’re not the hero anointed to save this country? Ummm, did you catch your own opening video?

  98. CthuNHu

    “I’m not running because I think I’m blessed with personal greatness and history has somehow anointed me to save her in her hour of need.”

    No? Didn’t you see the video?

  99. hockeymom

    Seriously, I am kind of in awe of what he went through. It was gutty and amazing.

    I don’t mind him telling this story, over and over again (though, why the teleprompter…doesn’t he know it?).

    What’s really annoying….all the douchey looking frat boys in the audience who wouldn’t volunteer to serve their country if their life depended on it. Nope, that’s for the poor folk.

  100. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Fuck fucking fuck John McCain and his fucking fuck bullshit story.

    I was a POW = I was a fucking pussy

    I fought against my captors = I tried to limit the number of blow jobs I gave each day

    I am a hero = dear Jesus, I couldn’t possibly be worse than w; vote for me goddammit!

  101. snig

    Construct a series of window displays on home safety!
    Or go to a dairy and learn how milk is made.

    If he believes that, why has he been sucking up to the guy who said to go shopping and drive more for a stronger America?

  102. KilgoreTrout_XL

    “Nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause that makes rich people awesomer and lets me make this creepy smile fifty fucking times a day.”

    “FIGHT WITH ME!?!?!?” Is he threatening us? Jesus, I’m terrified.

  103. HopeNutz

    Did he just encourage Americans to become community organizers?!?!

    “…teach an ill-ill-illiterate adult to r-read…”

    This shit writes itself.

  104. Rodney Badger

    He won’t stop. I think they just fed his teleprompter into some sort of twitter page or something.

  105. coastalelite

    just after the “teach an illiterate adult line” camera pans to 50 year old guy with sign that says “the mavrick” now that is priceless.

  106. Schilde

    God damn Tesla and the reproduction of sound I have U.S.A….! Rolling around again and again in my head, sort of like in 2004 when I was just minding my own business and think of “FOUR MORE YEARS!!!”, boy fascism is a curse to let down, it is a curse to let down, let’s see if walnuts has the opportunity to speak his mind, “we’ll talk about that later” yeah because he doesn’t have a teleprompter telling him what to say, YEAH.

  107. shanadee

    That’s it??? I’d give that about 2 out of 10 on excitement. 0 out of 10 on information and policy detail. Now someone go tuck McCain in bed…he looks sleepy.

  108. kudzu

    I heard some drunken gal took off her clothes and started screaming obscenities in the middle of WALNUTS!’s speech. Can anyone elaborate?

  109. lilblackcorvette

    [re=86254]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:i got a lil’ cognitive dissonance going on too… they broke him?

  110. CivicHoliday

    I think he was trying (in vain) to channel Hopey and Kucinich at the end. Stand up and fight, America! Fight with me!

  111. obfuscator

    [re=86330]Walter Sobchak[/re]: You’re qualified to be prezidints only if you were tortured for something and a half years and are ever so reticent to talk about it.

  112. Magoo

    god that was boring. more wine please! did i hear that the daily show was on…sweet? PS what dickface wrote the song “RAISING MCCAIN”??? Howev: that’s cause he got in big troubs with EVERY other song he played as all the bands hated him.

  113. KilgoreTrout_XL

    What song is that? I already hated it. Now the hate is totally more hateful. Also, I feel like clubbing a homo. Who is with me?


  114. Scooter

    Is it really true that John McCain was a Prisoner of War? I can’t believe that no one has ever mentioned it until now!!! Man, that guy can keep a secret can’t he!

  115. snig

    So it’s the POW thing that annointed him. About 600 guys who were in their with him. Can we interview some of the other 600, see if they finished in at least the top half of their class, or at least weren’t responsible for a billion dollar S&L crisis? Can we get Max Cleland? I know he wasn’t a POW, but limbs should count too.

  116. The Hispanic Buddy Holly

    “Join the military, become a teacher, but whatever you do, do not EVER become a community organizer. Those guys are bitches and probably gay like Obama whom I have nothing bad to say about.”

  117. hockeymom

    Sarah looks like she’s avoiding him on the stage. If he doesn’t watch it, she’ll go Tracy Flick on his ass and push him off the stage.

  118. hatlesshead

    Whaddya bet the MSM says Walnuts! hit it out of the park like they have done about every single gawdamn speech for the last two weeks?

  119. loudmouthredhead

    “John McCain understands the struggles of non-beer heiresses. I mean, he said their NAMES. I didn’t even know they HAD names!”

  120. RooseveltFranklin

    Those are not balloons dropping. Those are the eggs of millions of teen girls, just waiting to be fertilized.

  121. Pawdedoo

    From Wikipedia:

    “In 1977 Heart’s record label, Mushroom Records, fueled rumors that Ann and Nancy were lesbian lovers by running a full-page ad in Rolling Stone showing the sisters bare-shouldered and suggestively captioned, “It was only our first time”. When a reporter suggested, backstage after a live appearance, that the sisters were sex partners, Ann returned to her hotel room and wrote the lyrics to “Barracuda” to relieve her frustration.”

  122. hockeymom

    Tweety thinks the audience is applauding failure and McCain’s divorce (from the administration).
    Yay for failure…let’s have more!

  123. smellyal8r

    Worst. Speech. Ever. And this was a convention full of poor speeches. What a fiasco. If I was a scrillion dollar donor to the RNC, I’d think about asking for my $$ back. Ridiculous. Her speech last night was a shrill harridan’s call to destroy the world as we know it, while his tonight was the random ramblings of a tired old man (and boy does he look old tonight). If he dies on the trail, it’s her don’t forget.

    Good to see Levi is out of his box for one more night (please respect our family’s privacy)

  124. knitgrrl

    UPDATE: CodePink spokesman Jean Stevens confirmed that the group was responsible. She said the two women forced out of the hall by security were Elizabeth Hourican, 38 years old, of Phoenix and Nancy Mancias, 38, of San Francisco. Both women are fulltime activists, Stevens said, adding that they had obtained passes to the convention from disaffected Republicans and wore pink slips saying “McCain Equals More War.”

  125. MissWasilla

    you know how people try and compliment old ladies by saying they look the younger than their own offspring?

    well, in grandma mccain’s case its true.

  126. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    “We Make History”

    Yep, by waisting three days of my life and not telling me anything you plan to do if you are president.

    And isn’t it a bit elitist to have your own song?

  127. KilgoreTrout_XL

    Fucking BARRACUDA! Yes! Heart and douchey republicans complete me.

    I can totally five star this fucker on Guitar Hero III, BTW.
    (ON HARD. YEAH, my guitarist’s name is Larry Craig)

  128. solid

    The barracuda is a ray-finned fish known for its large size and fearsome appearance. Its body is long, fairly compressed, and covered with small, smooth scales. It is of the genus Sphyraena, the only genus in the family Sphyraenidae.

  129. mcgeorge

    Alright, I’m gonna say it: I thought that was the best fucking speech I have ever head from John McCain. I saw him in a completely different light. You may commence the beatdown…

  130. ForeignSickSpecialist

    Earth Wind and Fire!?! They’re KILLING me. Philip Baily, I’m kicking your azz! Percussively, of course.

  131. NoWireHangers

    Now it’s some Earth, Wind, and Fire. The GOP shouldn’t be allowed to use music by artists who wouldn’t vote for them.

  132. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=86485]mcgeorge[/re]: Beat you with this bar that you set so low that it was actually lying at my feet?

  133. Walter Sobchak

    [re=86485]mcgeorge[/re]: Wait, there was a speech on tonight? I flipped over to it, but I thought it was my granpa’s video will, so I turned it back to football.

  134. NoWireHangers

    [re=86485]mcgeorge[/re]: Wait, seriously?

    I mean, I guess in the speech he tried to present a different “image”–that of service and unity and stuff. But all the “facts” and “plans” were lies and distortions.

  135. obfuscator

    They played “Barracuda” earlier, too. Around 6pm. It was humorous seeing the dustfarts in the audience look around apprehensively. I’m sure the futuristic sound of electric guitars really threw them.

  136. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    If only the crowd had started chanting “Four More Years!” Because after three days, apparently there is nothing they are going to do differently.

  137. Viva la Cynthia

    Nice song choice: “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang. I bet that’s what’s playing in every home where the owners can’t afford gas, food, or their mortgage payment anymore. Kind of sums up the GOP, right?

  138. hatlesshead

    With the flyaway jacket Cindy McCunt looks like she is 5 1/2 months. Get these stupid fucks off the teevee already and start talking shit about them pleez.

  139. Migstradamus

    Yes, he almost seemed human for a moment. Doomed, confused, human.

    He should have just played a video of Kucinich from the DNC for the “stand up! stand up!” part.

    Well, that happened. Everyone in the auditorium can stop being offensive to everyone watching the teevee and go home and back to being offensive to everyone they know.

  140. FlipOffResearch

    What? Kelly ODonnel just said McCain has been resistant to talk about his time as a POW. That really is news. I never new that.

  141. snig

    So if his candidacy is about some new plan for government change and purification in DC, he must be talking about some third party that he’s neglected to tell us about.

  142. magic titty

    chris wallace of FUX is a complete shit who is actually arguing with wolfson, defending mccain. he’s alleged to be the question asker.

    piece o shit that man.

  143. scwrud

    So that’s it? School vouchers, something about community colleges, and the army forfuckever in Iraq? It’s a speech made of ricecake!

  144. NYNYNY

    From my unnamed friend who’s been teleprompting at this thing:
    “Giuliani found a water bottle waiting for him at the lectern, which he downed during his rehearsal. Little did he know that it was actually Congressman Fred Thompson of Tennessee’s water, and he had already taken a sip out of it!

    Giuliani’s wife sneezed and nobody said anything. She said “thank you.” Then everybody said “bless you.”

    Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson are very very nice, and I must admit, likable. Despite the fact that Giuliani was also nice and said I was “great,” Giuliani is not. He oozes sleaze. And he refused to give a speech at the convention if it didn’t mention September 11. That’s kind of his thing I guess. Mentioning September 11.”

    used without permission.

  145. trophy(forparticipation)wife


    If the real thing dont do the trick
    No, you better make up something quick
    You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
    Ooooooohhhh, barra barracuda.

  146. dougbob

    It doesn’t seem to be relevant to the party faithful that the GOP has been mostly running the show for the last eight years. Or that seven of the nine Supreme Court Justices were appointed by Republican Presidents. Or that the list of partisan and/or mismanagement outrages under Bush should be long enough to discourage all but the partisan optimist.

  147. magic titty

    so, my girlfriend says Cindy can’t stand up straight. I say it’s because he has to fuck her weirdly. because of his arm stuffs.

  148. curious

    McCain: “I know some of you have been left behind in the changing economy, and it often sees that your government hasn’t even noticed. Government assistance for the unemployed workers was designed for the economy of the 1950s. That’s going to change on my watch. … We will use our community colleges to help train people for new opportunities in their communities.”

    Hmm, where have I heard that before?

    GW Bush, 2004: “We’re not training enough people to fill the jobs of the 21st century. There’s a skills gap.”

    Same year: “President Bush wants to spend $250 million to help the nation’s 1,100 community colleges train workers for a 21st century economy.”

  149. curious

    I liked the part where he talked about Palin and, stumbling over his delivery, produced this image:

    “She’s worked with her hands and nose …”

  150. curious

    Number of times Obama used “I” in his acceptance speech: 57

    McCain: 100

    Now, tell me again: Which candidate’s obsessed wth himself?

  151. Democratica

    Norah O’Donnell posits that Obama will now have a problem with non-college-educated women b/c of Palin. Huh?! This woman, who would not PERMIT me to care for my own body, etc.?! Excuse me, but I’ll not be asking that woman PERMISSION for anything.

  152. Democratica

    [re=86607]Democratica[/re]: Whoopsie… I forgot I graduated from college and I’m already in the tank for B.O. Anyhoodle, still hatin’ on Sarah P.

  153. jerryw

    How to bite the ass of the republicans that cause us grief:

    1. John McCain was leader of the Keating Five, and interceded on behalf of convict Charles Keating in the S&L fraud which cost taxpayers billions.

    2. John McCain got a taxpayer-funded education at the US Naval Academy because his father and grandfather were both U.S. Navy admirals.

    3. John McCain never made it to admiral, actually he was lucky to have been able to keep his citizenship.

    4. John McCain graduated 895th in a class of 900, that’s fifth from the bottom at the US Naval Academy at Annapolis for those of you who were lifers.

    5. John McCain was considered to be an ace in the Viet Nam War for destroying five aircraft. However, it should be noted that each of those downed aircraft were ours. He was received that “ACE” status from the Vietnamese.

    6. John McCain pledged the proceeds from public campaign financing, which ‘reform’ legislation is one of his major ‘credits’, to collateralize a loan. Then he broke his own law by saying he was not bound by his pledge.

    and some from column “B”

    1. Sarah didn’t save the good folks a dime on their state taxes, as Alaska doesn’t have a state personal income tax.

    2. The city where she got her leadership experience had a population that was double the number of students at my high school on a non-holiday weekday.

    3. The state of Alaska has a population that is about one sixth the population of the city of Los Angeles, which has a mayor that fools around with the local Latina news chick. He’s an incompetent bumbling big mouth asshole too.

    4. The hard words on her teleprompter were spelled out phonetically.

  154. mcgeorge

    [re=86507]NoWireHangers[/re]: Of course the plans are flawed (though I’m not a fan of Democratic education plans). For the first time, I understood the sacrifice he made, and how it changed him. I saw him like he was in 2000, someone with huge integrity. Unfortunately, it’s 2008.

  155. MegsOfMegs

    Ah, the beauty of hearing Walnuts speak about adult illiteracy while someone held up a sign that read “MAVRICK.” Beautiful. Irony, you are a lovely thing.

  156. CivicHoliday

    [re=86593]magic titty[/re]: totally true! she sort of limped across the stage at the end. maybe last night was their once-a-month ‘sexy time’

  157. MegsOfMegs

    We played a fun drinking game: Every time the word “Maverick” was mentioned, or “POW” status was invoked, or a minority in the audience was shown, a drink was had. This was later amended to include anytime Walnuts blinked more than three times, quickly, in a row. Now I’m hammered.

  158. Jingo

    So the Republican line is that major disasters are okay if you can apply minor fixes. McCain helped destroy a country, but he supported the surge that made it a tiny bit safer… Yay McCain. Bristol Palin gets pregnant, but she decided to keep the baby…. Yay Bristol. The Bush Admin destroyed the economy, but he gave us a few hundred dollars in tax rebates… Yay Bush Admin. Cheney shoots a guy in the face, but offered to give him a band-aid………………. What? Even Republicans know Cheney’s a jerk.

  159. Outstando

    [re=86593]magic titty[/re]: Yeah, he has to bite her to stay balanced. After 176 years of this she has some nerve damage.

  160. villageatrois

    If GMILF can field dress a moose, she can gut and hang this old coot. She could lure him into the woods under the guise of running away slowly, for example…. McCain would call off the Secret Service folk himself in anticipation of doing the wild thing with Nanookie of the North. Go on, Sarah, be a hero! That bastard fought your earmarks for the meth-cookers in your town; a good field-dressing will set him straight.

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