Wonkette
John McCain was a prisoner of war once, which automatically qualified him for every job ever invented, including haberdasher, whale scientist, and sex toy engineer. Let’s see how many people in this biographical film say, “That’s offensive!” when they are asked an actual question about John McCain.
8:36 PM CST — Cindy introduces all seven million McCain children, minus Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother. Why so heartless?
8:39 PM — Let’s see…the government needs to get out of people’s way when hurricanes strike, and Republicans are haunted by the dead ghost-hands of Abraham Lincoln.
8:41 PM — Why no podium for poor Cindy tonight? Also the obligatory “Jesus Christ she sounds like she is stoned/high.” She is trying to put us all to sleep, and it’s working. A double espresso is really no match for this soothing Sally Struthers monotone.
8:43 PM — It’s a little bizarre to hear all this talk about perils and the awfulness of the world when it sounds like a Nyquil commercial. “How about that Governor Sarah Palin?” she asks, and the audience finally perks up. She sounds momentarily excited as she lists Palin’s many qualifications for Veep, including the bit about the moose.
8:47 PM — Cindy is going to fall asleep on the stage. Can you see those brown boxes in front of her, on the teevee? There are two brown boxes there, and she is going to curl up between them and put her head on a pile of diamonds and go to sleep.
8:48 PM — “My father was a true Western gentleman, and that’s why I married a short creep from Virginia who likes to tell rape jokes.” God, this is boring. It must be very strange for her to read this speech, all about her life, which she doesn’t remember at all. It’s a journey of discovery for everyone! Layne points out that Cindy brought home two orphans but only adopted one. What happened to the other one? Killed and eaten, for sustenance?
8:52 PM — “She was made to suffer unimaginable horrors.” Loudest applause of the speech. God, these people are monsters. Ghouls and monsters.
8:53 PM — Oh hey what is all that crap on her left shoulder? Faux army medals? This woman is amazing. You could put up anything on that teleprompter — Mein Kampf, dirty limericks, the phone book, the Kama Sutra, instructions for a spleenectomy — and it would all be read in that kind of dazed, heroin-fog tone. GOD BLESS YOU CINDY McCAIN, you wonderful mass of hair extensions and sedatives.
9:04 PM — Lights down. Did you know John McCain was a POW? He was also a husband, twice! Oh they are making this funny, calling him a mama’s boy and a vile, crass son of a bitch.
9:05 PM — John McCain’s dad had him bombed, but it didn’t work.
9:06 PM — Remember when John Kerry did the whole I WAS IN VIETNAM DAMMIT thing and he was just mocked and ridiculed and humiliated? Yeah, weird. Footage of John McCain smoking in bed like a badass. Now an old pal reads from one of those books Mark Salter wrote in that faux Hemingway voice.
9:08 PM — Yay John’s mom! It is impossible to think or write anything bad about Roberta McCain. She is just great.
9:09 PM — “John McCain has seen too much to think petty.” A ha ha ha ha ha. Tell it to all the journalists he’s so mad at now that he can’t give them dry rubs at his Sedona ranch in exchange for them not mentioning all his affairs and Keating Five problems. Oh hey who is narrating this thing? Charlie Rangel? “What a life. What a family.”
9:11 PM — More black people are present in this video than in this entire convention hall.
9:12 PM — And now let’s put our country first and turn it over to Ken.
“It’s no surprise that Americans are the most generous people in history.” Yeah, totally, go to wikipedia’s List of Historical Nations by Generosity, and you’ll totally see she’s not bullshitting.
…her skin looks like it is on the verge of tearing everytime she smiles!
This is the least sincere thing I’ve ever seen in my life — and I taught at Duke University!
Is she wearing a pin that says “navy” spelled out in diamonds?
She’s awful. Did she just say jamakane was her father? Hmmm…
…why the hell is she on the stage?! She doesn’t even have a pregnant daughter or Downs Syndrome baby!!!
Her eyes say oxycontin
John McCain won’t break with our heritage? Is this some sort of code about how Barack Obama married a black woman?
Cindy can truly go on about how John is the best father ever. But not to first-wife kids; that’s why Jesus gave us the “mulligan”.
Trollop! Cunt! You Better be talkin that jive or I’ll smack up your torso.-John McCian
Wonder how much her outfit cost tonight? Diamonds are in, so we are hitting at minimum the $100,000 mark.
I’m a huge giants fan but I am actually hoping the skins tie it up and take this game into double OT
Apparently Cindy McCain’s idea of how to drive involves two people holding their hands on the wheel. I bet her mother/son drift racing team totally sucks.
An excellent father! Unless their mom gets crippled.
Whats a hockey momon?
Did she just say “Salmon-fishing moose-hunting pistol-packing motherfucker for vice president”?
…am I the only one that thinks Sarah Palin only wears those glasses in an attempt to look sophisticated?
Pistol-packing?!?
HAHAHAHAHA!!
I can’t tell if I’m being bored into submission or hypnotized by those husky eyes, but I haven’t heard a word she’s said this whole time.
Which one was adopted?
Sarah P., Vice President of Recreational Sports
She’s medicated. Gotta deal with that McCain temper.
Mmm. vicodin mmmm
Shades of Knotts Landing
Did she say motherfucker for vice president?
druranium: And her hair says ca-razy…
because god knows she trusts him with younger women
She clearly did her hair after she did her meds.
Oh, Great! Cindy’s Dad couldn’t fly worth a shit either.
work that defiant waitress do, Whalin
…uh-oh, the codeine and vodka must be kicking in! I’m start to detect a little bit of a slur.
When did moose-skinning become such a sought-after skill for women and political leaders?
Cindy just rattled a bunch of adjectives for Palin. Not one of them was “competent”.
And good thing she mentioned that John never likes to talk about his Vietnam service…becuase I would have never had known.
druranium: But her heart says yes
Wow. What vapidity.
Plus she shoots devil rays out of her beady little eyes when she squints like that.
I can feel it.
Yeah, responsibility of the individual!!! Sure leaves government off the hook; good thing, too, b/c we won’t get it with this group of losers.
Well, only 15 minutes to go. I think I might go clean the toilet — before I throw up in it.
Did she just say that McCain has been QUIET about his service? Jesus Christ, his entire fucking campaign has been about the fact that he got shot down in a plane once. He has literally talked about nothing else.
My head just exploded.
Don’t let Jack McCain NEAR an airplane!
Mmmm $300,000 earrings Mmmm
druranium: “Greetings earthlings, I am the Oxycontin Wife from Bleeptron 6r in the Neepvoid Galaxy.”
vietNAM people. god i want the same drugs cindy gets…
A heron in Nam! And he’s creating more heroes in Gitmo now!
@Angry Blak Man: Smartprops.
strap on!!
Man, she makes Laura Bush look like Jeanne Kirkpatrick. But wait, she just said “strap on”…this could get good…
holy crap is she high…sounds like a six martini speech prep
She’s about to start crying.
why did jimmy have to strap on weapons to ride a bus? were they fighting in AZ?
Strap-on? Hard scrabble? Hard back?
noidiotsplease: since last night was $300K, I’m thinking north of that..
Strap on WEAPONS!!!!!!!!!
time for him to strap -on his pistol and save freedom
Did she seriously say “strap on”? After Palin said “lay more pipe” last night?
I thought what happened in St. Paul STAYED in St. Paul!
I don’t get that word, “hardscrabble”. Scrabble isn’t really that hard. Well, maybe it is for Cindy Lou…
notapipe: No, it was “moose humping”
Play that mama card!
Valerie: or Charlie’s Angels
God, Amy Poehler needs to add Cindy to her repetoire.
…is she going to tell us about how Mother Theresa told her to kidnap a brown baby?!
So tired… so very tired…
Walking in Bangaladesh… how did I get there? What strange drug trip was I on? Why did I steal little children?
“all around me were the desperate faces of children and their mothers” crying please white lady, please give us our prescription medicine back! we’ll let you have our youngest daughter!
…and enslaved them.
The Palins have nothing on the McCains when it comes to exploiting their kids for politics.
She walked the streets of Bangladesh! That explains a lot.
“There was something I could do. I could take [those little girls] home.” And home, and home, and home. I bet she could take home all of Bangladesh.
You too, Republican foot soldiers, can be a facile beer heiress - if you have the right family and have Johnny M on the hunt for platinum trim.
Christ, how long is she going to vamp up there? Her buzz is gonna wear off soon.
Poor little dark skinned girl.
OMG THEY SHOWED THE DARKIE!!!!!!
EWWW again, Cindy just winked at Bridget! Stop with the sleazy winking, you sleazettes!
sweetits: VietNYAAAAHHHM. What the fuck was that about?
She is a truly terrible public speaker. Just a turd and a half. Awful. Technically competent in that she can read and speak, but this is seriously the blandest and most insincere sounding shit I’ve ever heard, and I work for the gubberment.
a powerful independent woman. Now shut up and smile for the fuckin cameras
So who’s the blonde zombie talking about McCain?
Has anyone else noticed that the McCain campaign has literally adopted the Obama campaign’s message?
Change. Hope. Reform.
Why sort of fucked up multi-dimensional reality wormhole have I fallen into, and how do I get the fuck out?
Oh my God- Look at her purple monster hand!
Meghan doesn’t switch to Bud Lite.
I really think Cindy is hell bent on boring most people tuning in to the point that they’ll turn on The Weather Channel in a futile attempt to add excitement into their lives.
Must. Not. Fall. Under. Her. Spell. Feeling tired. Must. Fight.
Dark skinned girl: “don’t mind my mom. She’s drunk”
Two very sick little girls captured my heart. And held it prisoner for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.
So what happened to the other daughter? Seriously, does anyone know?
Go Bulldogs!
…she is going to get sooooooooooooooooo high after this speech!
Say, didn’t Cindy McCain make a few hundred thousand off selling the King of Beers to the Belgians?
Maybe that’s where she got the $280,000 earrings?
So funny that harlot hair is fashionable these days…
I knew he had an illegitimate black child
jagorev: Campaign? His whole CAREER has been about being a shitty pilot and being brave enough not to die.
Jerk Cade: maybe…but she’s no Farrah. Chrissy Snow?
This drone is EXACTLY the voice I hear in my head when I read Peggy Noonan. Cindy McCain sounds like Peggy Noonan writes.
Poor Bridgette. She never asked for any of this. Karma is a strange thing.
rollickingmadcapfarce: You know, for those Mooselim Terrorists. What, do you not want to be protected against Mooselim Terrorists.
in my box! haha! kigali in her box!
I mean, even the screen behind her has gone blank…”operator error 6-5″
Ha, she said “In my box tonight.”
In her box tonight. heh. heh. In her box tonight, is a strap-on with which she will lay pipe.
I wish she was breathless
Young McCock looks like Nicky from CSI.
Wow, she adopted a grown mother!
…the camera man cant tell black people apart?! RACISM!!!!
Is this a Christian telethon? Where do I send my money?
Oh look, a darkie!
She also said “in my box”
I wish I could afford the quality Xanax she gets.
Rwanda images: Many large black cocks
Jesus Christ, the Republican cameraman can’t tell one Negress from another! Gah!
I confess. She’s hotter than that old crippled bag of a first wife.
How can we deny McCain the American Dream?
Republicans need to learn not to clap while war crimes are being described.
Man, Cindy looks like someone backstage bent her over backwards and gave her a good, old-fashioned, hair-tousling sexy time and she just had time enough to wriggle her skirt back down and scurry onto the stage.
Which makes me wonder, where is Levi this evening?
how nice of them to give a standing ovation to the one black person at the convention
Hey, nice to see Grace Jones getting some work.
Lets all clap for the African slaves we brought over to parade.
Ha ha she said that womans family reeked havoc
AngryBlakGuy:
“sophisticat