Wonkette
John McCain was a prisoner of war once, which automatically qualified him for every job ever invented, including haberdasher, whale scientist, and sex toy engineer. Let’s see how many people in this biographical film say, “That’s offensive!” when they are asked an actual question about John McCain.
8:36 PM CST — Cindy introduces all seven million McCain children, minus Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother. Why so heartless?
8:39 PM — Let’s see…the government needs to get out of people’s way when hurricanes strike, and Republicans are haunted by the dead ghost-hands of Abraham Lincoln.
8:41 PM — Why no podium for poor Cindy tonight? Also the obligatory “Jesus Christ she sounds like she is stoned/high.” She is trying to put us all to sleep, and it’s working. A double espresso is really no match for this soothing Sally Struthers monotone.
8:43 PM — It’s a little bizarre to hear all this talk about perils and the awfulness of the world when it sounds like a Nyquil commercial. “How about that Governor Sarah Palin?” she asks, and the audience finally perks up. She sounds momentarily excited as she lists Palin’s many qualifications for Veep, including the bit about the moose.
8:47 PM — Cindy is going to fall asleep on the stage. Can you see those brown boxes in front of her, on the teevee? There are two brown boxes there, and she is going to curl up between them and put her head on a pile of diamonds and go to sleep.
8:48 PM — “My father was a true Western gentleman, and that’s why I married a short creep from Virginia who likes to tell rape jokes.” God, this is boring. It must be very strange for her to read this speech, all about her life, which she doesn’t remember at all. It’s a journey of discovery for everyone! Layne points out that Cindy brought home two orphans but only adopted one. What happened to the other one? Killed and eaten, for sustenance?
8:52 PM — “She was made to suffer unimaginable horrors.” Loudest applause of the speech. God, these people are monsters. Ghouls and monsters.
8:53 PM — Oh hey what is all that crap on her left shoulder? Faux army medals? This woman is amazing. You could put up anything on that teleprompter — Mein Kampf, dirty limericks, the phone book, the Kama Sutra, instructions for a spleenectomy — and it would all be read in that kind of dazed, heroin-fog tone. GOD BLESS YOU CINDY McCAIN, you wonderful mass of hair extensions and sedatives.
9:04 PM — Lights down. Did you know John McCain was a POW? He was also a husband, twice! Oh they are making this funny, calling him a mama’s boy and a vile, crass son of a bitch.
9:05 PM — John McCain’s dad had him bombed, but it didn’t work.
9:06 PM — Remember when John Kerry did the whole I WAS IN VIETNAM DAMMIT thing and he was just mocked and ridiculed and humiliated? Yeah, weird. Footage of John McCain smoking in bed like a badass. Now an old pal reads from one of those books Mark Salter wrote in that faux Hemingway voice.
9:08 PM — Yay John’s mom! It is impossible to think or write anything bad about Roberta McCain. She is just great.
9:09 PM — “John McCain has seen too much to think petty.” A ha ha ha ha ha. Tell it to all the journalists he’s so mad at now that he can’t give them dry rubs at his Sedona ranch in exchange for them not mentioning all his affairs and Keating Five problems. Oh hey who is narrating this thing? Charlie Rangel? “What a life. What a family.”
9:11 PM — More black people are present in this video than in this entire convention hall.
9:12 PM — And now let’s put our country first and turn it over to Ken.
“It’s no surprise that Americans are the most generous people in history.” Yeah, totally, go to wikipedia’s List of Historical Nations by Generosity, and you’ll totally see she’s not bullshitting.
…her skin looks like it is on the verge of tearing everytime she smiles!
This is the least sincere thing I’ve ever seen in my life — and I taught at Duke University!
Is she wearing a pin that says “navy” spelled out in diamonds?
She’s awful. Did she just say jamakane was her father? Hmmm…
…why the hell is she on the stage?! She doesn’t even have a pregnant daughter or Downs Syndrome baby!!!
Her eyes say oxycontin
John McCain won’t break with our heritage? Is this some sort of code about how Barack Obama married a black woman?
Cindy can truly go on about how John is the best father ever. But not to first-wife kids; that’s why Jesus gave us the “mulligan”.
Trollop! Cunt! You Better be talkin that jive or I’ll smack up your torso.-John McCian
Wonder how much her outfit cost tonight? Diamonds are in, so we are hitting at minimum the $100,000 mark.
I’m a huge giants fan but I am actually hoping the skins tie it up and take this game into double OT
Apparently Cindy McCain’s idea of how to drive involves two people holding their hands on the wheel. I bet her mother/son drift racing team totally sucks.
An excellent father! Unless their mom gets crippled.
Whats a hockey momon?
Did she just say “Salmon-fishing moose-hunting pistol-packing motherfucker for vice president”?
…am I the only one that thinks Sarah Palin only wears those glasses in an attempt to look sophisticated?
Pistol-packing?!?
HAHAHAHAHA!!
I can’t tell if I’m being bored into submission or hypnotized by those husky eyes, but I haven’t heard a word she’s said this whole time.
Which one was adopted?
Sarah P., Vice President of Recreational Sports
She’s medicated. Gotta deal with that McCain temper.
Mmm. vicodin mmmm
Shades of Knotts Landing
Did she say motherfucker for vice president?
druranium: And her hair says ca-razy…
because god knows she trusts him with younger women
She clearly did her hair after she did her meds.
Oh, Great! Cindy’s Dad couldn’t fly worth a shit either.
work that defiant waitress do, Whalin
…uh-oh, the codeine and vodka must be kicking in! I’m start to detect a little bit of a slur.
When did moose-skinning become such a sought-after skill for women and political leaders?
Cindy just rattled a bunch of adjectives for Palin. Not one of them was “competent”.
And good thing she mentioned that John never likes to talk about his Vietnam service…becuase I would have never had known.
druranium: But her heart says yes
Wow. What vapidity.
Plus she shoots devil rays out of her beady little eyes when she squints like that.
I can feel it.
Yeah, responsibility of the individual!!! Sure leaves government off the hook; good thing, too, b/c we won’t get it with this group of losers.
Well, only 15 minutes to go. I think I might go clean the toilet — before I throw up in it.
Did she just say that McCain has been QUIET about his service? Jesus Christ, his entire fucking campaign has been about the fact that he got shot down in a plane once. He has literally talked about nothing else.
My head just exploded.
Don’t let Jack McCain NEAR an airplane!
Mmmm $300,000 earrings Mmmm
druranium: “Greetings earthlings, I am the Oxycontin Wife from Bleeptron 6r in the Neepvoid Galaxy.”
vietNAM people. god i want the same drugs cindy gets…
A heron in Nam! And he’s creating more heroes in Gitmo now!
@Angry Blak Man: Smartprops.
strap on!!
Man, she makes Laura Bush look like Jeanne Kirkpatrick. But wait, she just said “strap on”…this could get good…
holy crap is she high…sounds like a six martini speech prep
She’s about to start crying.
why did jimmy have to strap on weapons to ride a bus? were they fighting in AZ?
Strap-on? Hard scrabble? Hard back?
noidiotsplease: since last night was $300K, I’m thinking north of that..
Strap on WEAPONS!!!!!!!!!
time for him to strap -on his pistol and save freedom
Did she seriously say “strap on”? After Palin said “lay more pipe” last night?
I thought what happened in St. Paul STAYED in St. Paul!
I don’t get that word, “hardscrabble”. Scrabble isn’t really that hard. Well, maybe it is for Cindy Lou…
notapipe: No, it was “moose humping”
Play that mama card!
Valerie: or Charlie’s Angels
God, Amy Poehler needs to add Cindy to her repetoire.
…is she going to tell us about how Mother Theresa told her to kidnap a brown baby?!
So tired… so very tired…
Walking in Bangaladesh… how did I get there? What strange drug trip was I on? Why did I steal little children?
“all around me were the desperate faces of children and their mothers” crying please white lady, please give us our prescription medicine back! we’ll let you have our youngest daughter!
…and enslaved them.
The Palins have nothing on the McCains when it comes to exploiting their kids for politics.
She walked the streets of Bangladesh! That explains a lot.
“There was something I could do. I could take [those little girls] home.” And home, and home, and home. I bet she could take home all of Bangladesh.
You too, Republican foot soldiers, can be a facile beer heiress - if you have the right family and have Johnny M on the hunt for platinum trim.
Christ, how long is she going to vamp up there? Her buzz is gonna wear off soon.
Poor little dark skinned girl.
OMG THEY SHOWED THE DARKIE!!!!!!
EWWW again, Cindy just winked at Bridget! Stop with the sleazy winking, you sleazettes!
sweetits: VietNYAAAAHHHM. What the fuck was that about?
She is a truly terrible public speaker. Just a turd and a half. Awful. Technically competent in that she can read and speak, but this is seriously the blandest and most insincere sounding shit I’ve ever heard, and I work for the gubberment.
a powerful independent woman. Now shut up and smile for the fuckin cameras
So who’s the blonde zombie talking about McCain?
Has anyone else noticed that the McCain campaign has literally adopted the Obama campaign’s message?
Change. Hope. Reform.
Why sort of fucked up multi-dimensional reality wormhole have I fallen into, and how do I get the fuck out?
Oh my God- Look at her purple monster hand!
Meghan doesn’t switch to Bud Lite.
I really think Cindy is hell bent on boring most people tuning in to the point that they’ll turn on The Weather Channel in a futile attempt to add excitement into their lives.
Must. Not. Fall. Under. Her. Spell. Feeling tired. Must. Fight.
Dark skinned girl: “don’t mind my mom. She’s drunk”
Two very sick little girls captured my heart. And held it prisoner for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.
So what happened to the other daughter? Seriously, does anyone know?
Go Bulldogs!
…she is going to get sooooooooooooooooo high after this speech!
Say, didn’t Cindy McCain make a few hundred thousand off selling the King of Beers to the Belgians?
Maybe that’s where she got the $280,000 earrings?
So funny that harlot hair is fashionable these days…
I knew he had an illegitimate black child
jagorev: Campaign? His whole CAREER has been about being a shitty pilot and being brave enough not to die.
Jerk Cade: maybe…but she’s no Farrah. Chrissy Snow?
This drone is EXACTLY the voice I hear in my head when I read Peggy Noonan. Cindy McCain sounds like Peggy Noonan writes.
Poor Bridgette. She never asked for any of this. Karma is a strange thing.
rollickingmadcapfarce: You know, for those Mooselim Terrorists. What, do you not want to be protected against Mooselim Terrorists.
in my box! haha! kigali in her box!
I mean, even the screen behind her has gone blank…”operator error 6-5″
Ha, she said “In my box tonight.”
In her box tonight. heh. heh. In her box tonight, is a strap-on with which she will lay pipe.
I wish she was breathless
Young McCock looks like Nicky from CSI.
Wow, she adopted a grown mother!
…the camera man cant tell black people apart?! RACISM!!!!
Is this a Christian telethon? Where do I send my money?
Oh look, a darkie!
She also said “in my box”
I wish I could afford the quality Xanax she gets.
Rwanda images: Many large black cocks
Jesus Christ, the Republican cameraman can’t tell one Negress from another! Gah!
I confess. She’s hotter than that old crippled bag of a first wife.
How can we deny McCain the American Dream?
Republicans need to learn not to clap while war crimes are being described.
Man, Cindy looks like someone backstage bent her over backwards and gave her a good, old-fashioned, hair-tousling sexy time and she just had time enough to wriggle her skirt back down and scurry onto the stage.
Which makes me wonder, where is Levi this evening?
how nice of them to give a standing ovation to the one black person at the convention
Hey, nice to see Grace Jones getting some work.
Lets all clap for the African slaves we brought over to parade.
Ha ha she said that womans family reeked havoc
AngryBlakGuy:
“sophisticated” as in “looking like a spray-tanned transsexual Bono impersonator?”
Guess they read tha Wonkette…I sure see a lot more “diversity” in the camera shots tonight. hmmm
drag out the token black person Cindy found in SP and claim she is from a far off place, why don’t ya
“In my box tonight is Ernestine.”
Um, we’re all happy for you, Ernestine. And some of us are jealous.
Earnestine, a Generic Negro who Cindy can’t see standing up, has no last name.
…I wonder how much Cindy pays that Rawandan woman to wash her dishes?
she’s talking too fast, I can’t understand what she’s saying!
Nothing like 50 people live blogging. Goodnight
Cindy, I think it’s time for YOU to move on. Leave Ernestine the fuck alone…
She took the “Joe Lieberman teaches you the art of public speaking course” by mail. Way to go!
jagorev: Slander! Peggy Noonan is totally awesome. I say this mostly because I hate Republicans and she thinks Palin is bullshit, but whatever.
The sound is turned down on my TV. Is Cindy talking about how well she treats her slaves?
“That’s leading by example!” Quick, men, follow my plane, straight into the dirt!
Great timing. I love turning on the TV and hearing Cindy McCain talking about putting Africans in her box.
smellyal8r: I think she looks geriatrically hot. But then I’m gay.
Her hair looks like she just had sex in the coatroom.
BigBrainOnBrad: Holy Jeebus you’re right!! Cindi (with a heart) the Hut
Bengali McCain is faaaaaat.
noidiotsplease: She gave the other girl to a friend. Seriously.
a good man, a worthy man, an angry temperamental man, an impulsive cynical man
good lord. my dog just got up and left to go lay in another room. Get off the stage already
AngryBlakGuy: worse and worse now at 9.55. hawhawhaw
…I think Cindy has been skimming some of Roberta McCains meds while she isn’t looking.
What a cunt! I mean, trollop! I mean, uh oh…
What is that hairstyle, girlfriend?
This is the trashiest GOP convention EVER.
i fucking hate this person!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They need to get Michael Buffer (The Let’s Get Ready to Rumble! Guy) out to knock these crackas on their asses.
So, I was wondering what was on TV tonight, and I started flipping through the channels, and then I came across an after school special about how doing too many prescription drugs makes you look totally out of it and unaware of your surroundings–then I realized that it was actually Cindy McCain’s crappy speech. And then I changed the channel. Scrubs is on TVLand, and I figure that’s better than nothing.
You know who probably would have given a better speech than Cindy? Roberta Ethel Marianne McCain (or whatever the hell Mrs. Methusulah’s name is). Also, a dead skunk.
I think she’s about to short out.
CalamityJames: I loved that! Hold yr noze.
According to Vanity Fair, she was wearing $350,000 on Monday night, while talking to black people being evacuated. Look at that necklace tonite…holly moose.
Now watch for the maverich landing on a parachute..
Cindy McCain talks like a Speak ‘n’ Spell.
She looks like an over-the-hill country singer halfway through rehab.
They must have wired to chairs so the delegates would jump up at the 1000 volt surge…What an awful address to our nation. If Laura Bush worried about literacy, what’s her cause? Drunken housewives?
Hee Hee, pills and makeup and hair and shoes and diamonds OH MY!
She overdid it on the Xanax tonight, methinks.
As i stand here at the base of this huge black penis, as i have so many times before, i nominate my husband WALNUTS!.
A Navy Heir and a Beer Heiress (this explains a lot about crashed planes)
dontmeanship: Neither can she
Oh dear God. That was so bad it gave me a stroke.
AngryBlakGuy: Which house?
noidiotsplease: I thought I read that Sarah Palin sold her on eBay.
she is definitely back on those pills
Canmon (the Inadequate): …or just snorted a line of coke off a bathroom counter.
“A man who always speaks the truth, no matter what the cost … A loyal and loving and true husband.”
Is there really any point in snarking this?
I wonder if Carol McCain is watching tonight.
Dance Meghan, swing that moneymaker!
Johnny B Goode???? WTF??? Johnny B Loser
Man, I’m so fucking tired of Chuck Berry now.
HopeNutz: you knew it was only a matter of time before cindy got her cougar claws into levi.
I seriously cannot believe they are going to make John accept the nomination at 9:11. Does that mean he has an hour and a half before the whole thing comes crashing down?
Oh God, they’re butchering Chuck Berry. Now I’m pissed. How fucking DARE they?!
In a world where “Cindy” is often seen as a ditzy, airhead name (any guess why I usually go by Cynthia?), I’ve never been less proud to share a nickname with someone.
…Cindy better keep Levi away from her Indian daughter, she is still under age.
Richard Fatso from George Mason mentioned Betty Ford! How exquisitely ironic.
Wasn’t there a western called “Maverick”? Rock Hudson?
was it just me or did you that bald guy rubbing his nibbles to “johnny be good”
Lurlene Lumpkin!
DoctorCulturae: an old ruthless crazy bastid…
Wot was that sign during Johnny B Goode? ‘Terrorists beware of Sarah (ask Obama)’ Sick fucks.
I fucking LOVE watching this crowd dance.
“Go and get down, mother!*”
“This is that Charles Berry, right? He seems like one of the good ones.”
*all old white men from the midwest refer to their wives as “mother”.
Stop dancing white people. Please.
Correction, Chris Matthews, Cindy wants the DEA off her back
Keram2: Worse than pissing on a pitcher of Jesus!
Is that stage one giant phallus or one big middle finger?
All right, Cindy McCain is richer than any of us, can take children from any country if she wants to, and John McCain lied to her about more than being single when they met.
And because of this, he should be president.
I get it.
The Republicans have gone totally neo-Nazi! (”Ridge - “John McCain knows it’s not about red and blue, but read, WHITE, and blue!” - emphasis, his. BYW, keep an eye on the brown child - we never saw her before - and may never again…Her absence will be lost in the bith of the baby born to the child. (Will Palin’s daughter ever finish high school, and chalked up as another high school drop out against the Republican’s unrelenting and forgiving No Child Left Behind (NCLCB) Act - children with special needs be damned! To quote McCain, (preceded by snide, creepy chortle… “This isn’t change we can believe in”…continued weird, creepy snort, chortle, snort….heh,heh!” ,creepy eye contact, and dirty old man persona. SICK! Jus sick.
Valerie: johnny b in bed by 11
are they really playing celebration? um, these past 8 years has sucked balls for me
AngryBlakGuy: Todd won’t give a shit.
Geez if she’s been born a decade earlier she would’ve had a swastika carved in her forehead and be giving this speech in an LA courtroom to save Charlie.
I love all the pretty colors. The pinks, the blues, the yellows, wow the greens, everything is so green. Count De Money, you’re beautiful man, I mean you’re crazy, you’re crazy, I love you man.
Cindy, Cindy, look at the teleprompter . . .
You’re crazy man, I love you . . .
What a diverse crowd. They even have a few brunettes!
so
many
white
people
have they found the brother in the crowd tonight? i saw lynn swann there tuesday night. it made me cry. i loved him when i was a kid. now he’s a republican…..
…how many planes have her sons crashed? Anyone with the last name McCain shouldn’t be allowed to fly a kite without supervision.
The most beautiful thing in the world: Seven minutes without a speaker leaves plenty of time for Keith and Co. to tear this thing up. (Why aren’t they doing it even more?!)
YES! DANCE AWKWARD WHITE PEOPLE DANCE!!!!!
please make the white people stop dancing to that celebration song!
I REALLY wish that SOMEBODY would look into the amount of “work” that Cindy has had done. How many “lifts” and “tucks” can a human body withstand?
Paging Joan Rivers…
Washington just lost.
I didn’t know this country had so many cowboy hats. But then, when people are so full of bullshit . . .
These “handmade” signs are getting to me. Especially the one I just saw “Dems 4 Bush” (er) “McCain”
Itsjustme: …yeah, my bad! And I forgot to specify the continent as well.
That blue plexiglass podium looks like something from a W Hotel. I think McCain oughta carry the mic into the crowd…bow tie untied around his neck…”where ya from?” “Columbus…nice town” Did you get a load of my wife? What a drunk. But, she was easy and I was horny when I got back from Veetnam…
they even had some lady who had a clitorectomy
I love the Stray Cunts!!!
This is the whitest, least rhythmic group of people I’ve ever seen. Couldn’t they just play Lawrence Welk and be done with it?
Right now, Cindy is telling Snowbunny McShrillmouth the exact recipe for the Valium cocktail she took before going on stage.
Oh look a sign in Espanol. They had to hire illegals to fill the place up. Repugs dancing is an ugly, ugly thang.
She looks like an 80s speed queen that’s been shot with a blow dart dipped in Xanax.
This one’s for you Bristol!
“A good idea to have a woman’s hand on the wheel as well”
when you’re strapping on pipe to drill, baby, drill..?
Stray Cats? Is this for Bristol?
Are they seriously playing a song that goes “Celebrate good times, come on.”? Have they looked at the US recently? How fucking tone deaf are these people? If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching a Republican convention– oh. Okay.
OH FUCKING LORD NO. THEY’RE NOT FUCKING PLAYING THE STRAY CATS.
Are republicans single-handedly trying to destroy rockabilly? I think so. Someone call Rev. Horton Heat.
Delicious: Sigh. I am guilty. I resign.
What would Tim B.-L. say?
So much embarrassing whitey dancing.
dontmeanship: Exactly–because there are TONS of Democrats who are delegates at the Republican National Convention.
Its a white man party
k, football’s over. Let’s get this shitstorm started.
they should have just got “hookers’n blow” to play again
AngryBlakGuy: She’s still a cunt
John McCain was a POW??? For real? Who fucking knew??
FOAM DOWN THE RUNWAY!!!!
Morgan Freeman is pissed.
omg. here he comes! POW. POW.POW.POW.
Maverick reformer dick.
Mama’s Boy?
Was one of those names cunt? Oh. Mama’s boy. I’m okay with that.
6 seconds into the video and POW has been mentioned already. Classy.
chascates: she married her father
Hush now…the introductory video. Did you know jamakane served in the military?
hatlesshead: I thought I saw that too. I was hoping I just misunderstood it.
Okay, I don’t care that her son is an incompetent jerk, but I love, love, LOVE McCain’s mother.
AW, I though Cindy Lou Who was OK. Not great, but better than I expected.
Wait, did the John McCain video just make a funny?
What’s with the Casio keyboard music in these damn videos?
HAHAH!! Some old geezers being interviewed for Fox just said that they think McCain will take New York this year. This convention is truly magical.
Is this for real? mamma’s boy? OMG I am going to donate to Barry again today, just because this video makes me laugh
Huh…the Japanese personally surrendered to John McCain.
Oh, and apparently he was a POW.
I don’t want no freakin funny boy mama’s boy running the cuntry. Dang!!!
obfuscator: lol.
Ha, Mamma McFiveandahalf’s one line “Mamma’s Boy” reminded me of that woman in the Batteries Not Included movie.
…is anyone watching this horror show on Hi-Definition?!
pow, pow, pow , pow, pow
Would one of those unrepeatable things be … “An Adulterer” (to be said in a deep, well-modulated voiceover voice)
POW POW POW!
Bay of Pigs, USS Forrestal, Hanoi, Iraq… Christ, is there any military disaster that John McCain has not been involved in?
Keram2: Texas has been abused enough by the Republicans, let’s hope they leave the Reverend alone. Although, I have to admit, it would make my friggin’ year to see Walnuts walk on stage to “Big Red Rocket of Love” or Bristol Palin dancing to “Bad Reputation.”
OK but seriously, McPeanut was sort of cute for a Jon Stewart sized man.
Jamacaine — a Father, a Son… a Holy Ghost. Sniper fire starts in 3-2-1…. And that’s how they get the losers off the ticket.
Still the Manchurian candidate, we just didn’t see the meaning.
Should we really trust a man who’s last name is “Swindle”?
…did they just proudly announce that John McCains father ordered the carpet bombing of a populated city? Hooray for COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!!
If you missed the bio films of John McCain, you can buy the 24 volume set on his web site.
No………This is hell!
OMG! The man’s name is swindle! Could you find a guy whose name isn’t synonymous with the GOP strategy of the last 8 years?
They just claimed McCain’s life was spared during a naval accident.
Because….. maybe he had more work to do?
Sweet jumping Christ huffing Tolulene.
…too bad McCain didn’t actually write his own book.
i fell in love with my country and out of love with my wife…
COULD have produced a bitter broken man? HELLO
I do not choose 4 more years in hell.
MUSIC For VIDEOS - same music that opened Cindy and Palin’s propoganda videos sounds like….
DALLAS.
The DALLAS tv show theme, albeit slowed down. Who is that Barbara Bush twin?
“Constant torture and isolation.” Wow, what a winning qualification for the presidency.
So, this is why he hates Paris Hilton? I thought it was because she was a celebrity.
I didn’t know Barbara Bush was jamakane’s mama.
First wife not getting a mention at all, eh?
Awww…I have nothing bad to say about that mama’s boy’s mama
“It wasn’t until I lost America for a time that I realized how much I loved her.” John McCain
NO SHIT. I feel the SAME WAY about the PAST EIGHT YEARS you senile REPUBLICAN who votes with Bush 90% of the time.
umm Mama Walnuts clips don’t make a lick of sense.
“He could have come back bitter… and he soooo did.”
4 more years in HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…wonder if they finally whitened his damn dentures?!
MY MONEY! MINE MINE MINE! Or my wife’s…
“…could have produced a broken, bitter man…OH, WAIT.”
“John McCain abhors waste, and changes his diapers the INSTANT they’re soiled.”
Squiggyfm: And he’s reading from the “memoir” as if it were Holy Writ. Holy Shit.
What’s “Country Fist”?
when I realized that yes he IS going to start at 9:11, I had to go throw up
Don’t forget to mention his support for abortion and immigration reform! And campagin finance reform!
A nit, but we’ve heard over and over how he can’t raise his hands abbove his shoulder because of his war injuries, but there are a couple of pictures of him saluting. Dear god, we’ve been lied to.
Country first, after that, I have no idea.
AngryBlakGuy: Are you insane? I’d like to keep my retinas in place.
The musak sounds oddly like the theme to “Dallas” mixed with something I can’t quite place…
Where’s his first wife? She’s hot! And his pregnant daughter? Where?
“…pro-life. I’ll say again, PRO-LIFE. *cough-PRO* *Cough-LIFE!* Pardon me…”
What a load!
I’m getting a Leni Riefenstahl vibe from this video.
AngryBlakGuy: Fucking Mark Salter. He LOATHES Obama, probably even more than McCain does. His fingerprints are all over Palin’s speech.
Hey, children are off limits!
I leave it to you pros. I can’t watch this saw-offed-snarky Mother Fucker. Headed to Barry’s to give him a donation.
more diversity in this video than in the convention hall…
…Malia and Sasha really scared the shit out of WALNUTS! They are taking every effort they can to show off their kids.
he totally did look like an old-school bad ass in that crazy cast, gritting his teeth and smoking a cigarette.
It infuriates me that they refer to the adopted daughter like she was a goddamn puppy at a shelter. These people are vile. Can we trade them all in and just keep Roberta?
…full circle, end on POW!
White people in jets, black people on bikes.
Ha ha ha ha, these people are fucking LANATICS!
John McCain will renew our country from his tiny dank cell.
Heh…lived in a box
is that the voice over guy who just died?
they didn’t mention his useless tit of a daughter who has yet to hold down a job
Apparently cuntry is a family motto. It’s all so clear to me now.
What’s with the Dallas music? Am I going to wake up and find Bobby Ewing in the shower?
Viva la Cynthia: Or GW Bush to “Bales of Cocaine.” That’d be righteous.
…John McCain lives in a box?!
Fred Thompson…chung chung…
Is the zombie corpse of Johnny Cash introducing McCain?
Thank God for the NVA! If he hadn’t been a POW he’d wouldn’t have amounted to anything.
When you’ve lived in a box, a cardboard box. I’m livin’ in a box…
There are more black faces in this McCain video than in that entire convention hall.
Jesus H. Christ! It’s all P.O.W. all the time. POW! POW! POW!
I’m livin’ in a box, in a cardboard box! ENOUGH WITH THE BOX!
Hey, the music for the McCain video sounds like the theme from ‘Dallas.’
Go J.R.!
When you’ve lived in a box, you need to not talk about it ALL THE TIME!!!
Go to the light John, go to the light…
9:12 PM, he’s late, loser.
“Left the shallow of self”? Did Abba write this? Recited by Fred Thompson. zzzzzz
He’s like a rock star! A rock star loved by the 98% white delegates!
iwillsavethispatient: wow… too true.
Black people in the videos! Thanks to a handy subscription to Getty Images.
Whodafuck is that folksy voice over. McCain was in a box? A box? I thought it was Vietnam.
I JUST SAW HIS HAND GO ABOVE HIS SHOULDER.
Are they chanting John McCain, or Jon Benet? Because she’s dead, you know.
obfuscator: No. “Cunty Fist.”
herrrrreeeeeessssss WALNUTS!
My friends . . .
It’s our Great White Savior!!!! Come to save us from that Black theologists.
AngryBlakGuy: Now he has eight boxes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great one now comes to speak. Remember where you were…wave wave point point…my arms only go this high.
Everybody do the robot!
that is one stiff motherfucker
did you hear he was in the war?
9/11:9:11!
OH SHIT, THERE MUST BE 800 PEOPLE THERE!! WIN!!
AngryBlakGuy: 7 of them
He said, “I’m not anti-abortion. I’m pro-life. If you want to pull your baby out with a hook through the soft spot and grind it up in a mulcher, go for it. See you in Hell, Baby Butcher Lovers!”
iwillsavethispatient: I’m afraid you’ll wake up and find our country in the toilet.
solid: Dude, she’s a BLOGGER. Pot callin’ the kettle man! shhhh!
AngryBlakGuy: It’s called Cindy
iwillsavethispatient: “Oh Bobby, it was the most horrible dream…”
Oh I see he went with a lovely goldenrod colored tie.
That will come in handy when he gets his realtor license and starts selling houses for Century 21.
iwillsavethispatient: YES! THANK YOU! I’ve been trying to place that tune all night and was torn between “Greatest American Hero” and “MacGuyver”
Shut up everybody, he’s got a timetable! 9:11 is fading
And now, the Midget Speaks . . .
AngryBlakGuy: …I guess got my answer to my denture question.
Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz! Shake up Washington, Nutz!
THE GREEN SCREEN IS BACK!
Haha. He has “actual paper” since he can’t handle them damn glowy screens with them floaty words.
The Reptilicans are now the party of Peace. And a green screen behind McCain…awsome
The Green Background!!!
GREEN SCREEEEEEEEN!
Not green. That does NOT look good behind him!
…which one of his houses was that in the background?
A green screen. AGAIN?! Are they insane?!
“when you’ve lived in a box people really don’t expect intellectually stimulating conversation”
which house was that one? Nice green lawn.
Yay Corner Protester! How did he get in?
Gold tie and money green background. How…hahahaahaa…i can’t even finish that
OMG, they just panned to a guy in the balcony holding a sign saying “You Can’t Win an Occupation”. And quickly panned away.
Is it just me, or is chanting “USA” kind of Nuremberg?
John McCain’s green background is back!
re: liveblogging the cryptkeepor Error 404 - Not Found = quelle dommage
OH MY FUCKING GOD, a green screen? SRSLY?
chascates: Oooh snap!
Green screen again! Good work Republicans.
Dow Jones down by 300 points. Merka’s on the rise!!
Seriously, what is with the USA chant? At the olympics or something, fine. Is he running against another country?
He forgot to put his top teeth in again.
YEAH!!! more green screen
They brought the lime-green screen back! Hurrah!
9/11. A noun, a verb and John McCain.
Who’s idea was it to put GREEN behind him again? It makes him look pasty…oh, wait…but still, even if it’s a green lawn, on the teevee, it’s just ugly green.
Green screen! Awesome! It’s like he’s daring us to make him look ridiculous on Youtube.
Wow, a green screen behind McCain. They’ll never learn.
First 9-11 mention… about 3 minutes in. WE’RE OFF TO A ROLLICKING START, CUNTRY FISTS.
“I’m grateful to our president in these dark days”
WHOOPS! Not sure you, uh, wanna say that, Walnuts!
McCAIN VOTES AGAINST VETS!
Break out the tasers boys! Whut we payin you fore
Yay, a protester!
Green screen. Puuuuurfect!
AngryBlakGuy: it ain’t cindy’s
Holy crap - did you see that quick shot of the protester and his sign? TWICE?
Guy holds up a sign that says “McCain votes against vets.”
Priceless.
Keram2: WIN. I guess that leaves “Love Whip” as Caribou Barbie’s theme song.
wacko protester
yay!
i love this country!
He only spoke The Name for Laura! Cold.
Hah, when they do a close up, it’s another green screen fiasco. What a doofus.
It’s almost over…..then it really begins!!!!!!!!
Really? The green? Again? Oh, what the hell.
“I’m so thankful to Laura Bush, who’s a model of rigid woodenness that every woman should follow”
Hey is that KFed!?
Word from the floor is that the crowd has been instructed to launch into the “USA!” chant whenever the protestors start up. Expect to hear it a whole bunch.
Fat Old Dirty Whore: I read it on Wonkette earlier…
Wow, the crowd really doesn’t want to hear him speak, just chant USA for 45 minutes.
You better believe you’re indebteded to your wife! You’d be no where without that beer money.
One of the chicks at work wore a Sarah button in the office today. I came very close to hoofing her in the works, but she’s part Native American so I couldn’t face the Oppressive Whitey thing again.
AngryBlakGuy: My momma would call that a shit-eating grin.
WHOA! PROTESTER ALERT!!!! IRAQ VETERAN!
his father was a fisherman.
…+1 for the guy with the “McCain votes against vets sign”!
Hey Cindy, don’t worry about Vicki Iseman. The fact that she looks like you shows how much John cares.
“She’s more my inspiration than I am hers.”
Also her bank account.
Cindy’s concern for those less fortunate than her seems to be limited to plucking one out of the brown-ish masses to bestow American-ness upon. There, good deed done.
Seven children? He’s Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.
Fucking Kevin Federline is holding up a sign that says:
“McCAIN VOTES AGAINST VETS”
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Where’s Levi? Back in a box on his way to AK?
Tell us about the Sanctity of Marriage, Johnny! Tell us about how you stabbed the first one in the heart when she had a few health problems, you fucking cretin!
Did he just broadcast a woman’s age? his own mother’s? Clearly this man knows tha laydeez.
McCain’s mom is a man!
roberta looks a little like barbara bush 2nite…
vomit colored background
Roberta stands up like, “Damn right — now here’s the speech I wasn’t allowed to give. Those nigras –” and then she’s tackled by her family.
Keep showing the protester…it’s grand. I’m sad that he will be dead by morning.
…WALNUTS! + teleprompter = Comic gold!
He’s now to a pool of algae.
green screen is mutating..it’s ALIVE
Ahh, they changed the background to a less bilious tone.
“I have just called Senator Obama to congratulate him on a well run race and offer my support as he takes office…oh, wait, not yet…”
SayItWithWookies: The front said “You can’t win an occupation” before the goon squad got him.
smellyal8r: Getting his penis tattooed just like his finger. Any part that touched Bristol.
That was a really bad speech.
MY FRIENDS
drink
Cindy McCain is smokin’…sorry, I can’t deny it any longer….. she makes Palin look frumpy (Cindy, are you listenin’? Love Ya! I know you hate Sarah because she’s young and has a beauty like you once had……but I love you and that’s all that matters…..and the money helps…)
Looks like someone got the memo on the green. Now it’s blue. Just as easy to shop.
We will close out with a Navy fighter jet crashing into the huge screen from behind McCain.
…CODE PINK IN THE HOOOOOOUSE!!!
HOLY SHIT CODE PINK!!!
Is that Code Pink?!
I’m waiting for the spaghetti-eating-cat to show up.
They’re chanting: “Levi nailed it!” “Levi nailed it!” “Levi nailed it!” “Levi nailed it!” “Levi nailed it!” “Levi nailed it!”
oh they are going code pink on walnuts!
Wow, election over.
…hehehe, off topic are we!
hockey maaaahm getting crazed, muzzle her
WILLING PATRIOT: bitter white man
Who is that over the top lady being walked out?
What the hell is going on with the women charging the stage? I’m confused…
Hey, can we automatically draft anyone who is screaming “USA USA USA!”
“My friends, MY DEAR FRIENDS, please shut the fuck up and don’t listen to that BROWN noise”
I promised myself I wouldn’t poke my eyes out until later…..
…can we please have a “don’t tase me bro” moment? Pretty please!!!
There are protestors in the hall? How’d that happen? The Dems had better control over their crowd and it was in an idiotic football stadium for God’s sake.
Code Pink is going to kill us all.
Man, this USA chant business is fucking him up.
wait. the guv’ments supposed to “stand on my side?!” my pancreas aches.
PublicPretender: Purple and red and yellow and blue and firing
hatlesshead: Free speech…….
Oooh…fight…some chick almost got her top ripped off!
“Please don’t be diverted by the ground noise and the static…”
Hahah…We’re hearing a lot of USA - security sucks that much there???
The first Shake Up America reference: officially clocked in at 10:26 East Coast Time.
I don’t want him standing on my side. My Side! That sounds like it might hurt.
Hey Walnuts, if you can’t keep the protesters out of your own convention, how will you keep the terrorists out of our cuntry, er country?
The green screen is flashing “OBEY” and “USA USA”, it’s just too fast to see.
…are we taking bets on how many more interruptions there will be?!
tackled corruption alright…and ate it
took on special interest…in the form of her own lobbyist
loudmouthredhead: oh, dear god. i was hoping i imagined that.
She balanced the budget, you fuckhead, because the goddamned oil companies were forced to pay the highest oil tariff in the world to pump their shit through her fucking pipeline.
omg. she works with her hands and nose? whatisthisvoodoobullshit.
Sarah Palin will soon feel the sting of being a grandmother…something Cindy denies each day when she passes out cold in her salad.
“she works with her hands and nose” ???
…id he just say she “works with her hand and nose”? Kinda kinky but I’m open to it!
“She doesn’t tell anyone to tell her to sit down, unlike those BROWN NOISE PROTESTERS–QUITTERS!!”
What is with this “Cuntry First” crap? Is THAT their swanky, witty slogan?
Caribou Barbie has fucked up everything she has experience running. What a load of shite. Do people not read the intertubes? They know enough to post on Craigs List for buttsecks.
The way he just said change is coming was really, really dirty. I need to shower now.
If they can’t keep a bunch of middle aged women and disabled vets from infiltrating the convention, how will they stop terrorists from infiltrating the country?
Did he just crack on incumbents? My left arm is dragging….think I just had a stroke… happens every four years or so….
John McCain’s not wearing a flag pin!
Terrorist! Why does he hate America?
um Walnuts..? you and Whalin are 4 generations apart
WALNUTS, a god damned Ford Maverick is more of a maverick than you.
The 3-Legged Man: Alaska has had a budget surplus since they became a state in 1958. Barbie wasn’t even BORN yet.
Please, someone tell me when he says something every warmup act didn’t already say.
chascates: Bristol?
Hey, does anyone have an extra 100 grand? I really want this: http://cgi.ebay.com/Be-A-Part-of-History-and-Help-Elect-McCain-Palin_W0QQitemZ260281108520QQihZ016QQcategoryZ47106QQcmdZViewItem
stop applauding, DAMN YOU! i’m talking about ME!
…yeah, lets talk about corruption. Start with the Keating 5!
This place is looking more and more like a taping of Let’s Make a Deal.
How are these people not out of breath? “Ok guys, we need another angle, can everyone move to the other side of the room?”
Uh oh…Ted Stevens didn’t like that pork barrel reference….. oh, right, he’s indicted…. go Johnny!
“I fought the Keating Five, oh wait. Nevermind about that.”
Did he fight them barefisted? Where’s the video?
…Wow, did he just reference Abramhoff?! Hypocritical turd!
Good thing you were in the Hilton when we lost Vietnam, Johnny!
How are we doing in those other imbroglios? Great! Remind us who got us in the Iraq mess?
Uh. Your Country already lost a war Johnny. You may not remember it. Vietnam ring any bells?
I voted for the troop increase in Iraq because the fuckers kept dying after I voted for the war to begin with.
CSPAN is actually live…MSNBC is on a slight delay. Wonder what they’re afraid of accidentally showing us?
This is a brilliant speech. Brilliant. Brill…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wonder what Harold Russell would be doing now.
(If you young folk know who he was.)
I got it! The theme of the convention is window lickers! Noun, verb, window licker.
i WAS HOPING Sarahnuts had bigger tits
If he can name everyone he’s fought for he’s not doing much of a job.
chascates: win
Whoo! Whoo! Poor people suffering! Hellz yeah!
I intend to help these people by letting them eat cake!
Yeah, mention the kid with Autism when Caribou Barbie just line item reduced special needs education by 63%. Fuckers.
oh, dude, you did not just tell ME you care about autistic people. you did not. you did NOT.
He’s bringing up these people. Audience whoops. But — like the guy mentions a DEAD person. You fucking morons, pay fucking attention. No matter how pedestrian this speech may be.
Jeebus ALL of the networks are on delay…except CSPAN. Someone’s got their finger on the button in case McGeritol strokes out.
utterly horrific speaker, he is!
your party wasn’t elected at all, numbnuts.
Strappo: rotting?
AngryBlakGuy: ABES IS A RAT
ew..Palin replicant chicks in the crowd. Like that Matrix Smith guy.
Does he not know that Roosevelt was a democrat?
Did he just totes steal the god given potential line?
USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAU.
*waves a fetus around*
VOTE FOR THE FETUS, EVERYONE!
Now we kill for the Culture of Life. He lost me about Conundrum #8 or #9.
Basically, I babble about God, straight people, gun rights, and war
And you elect us to lower taxes, ruin your jobs, and bomb who we want!
Pretty simple. You’ve fallen for it so many times.
bugland: Why wouldn’t he? All them paintings and drawings? John McCain supports the Fine Auts.
this. is. atrocious. if obams loses this thing, we’re shitheads.
Heh
maybe a beauracrat should stand between Cindy and her doctor…like maybe it should be you johnny.
“I will cut taxes…WHERE I CAN *cough atthetop cough* SKOOZE ME!”
Is there some intern holding “BOO!” cards up or something? This is hilarious, how he pauses for a bit before they chime in, lol
USA USA USA USA WE ARE GHEY USA USA USA
Please, can we have a debate like, I don’t know, every week or so?
“We will send the victims of outsourcing to government labor camps, er, training.”
weaselplasty: It’s not us. It’s the other half of the country.
Here come the “shake up” references…bracing myself….
weaselplasty: I’m debating filling out my Canada paperwork tonight…just in case??
Take THAT teachers unions(and all public schools, actually!).
Start cracking on teachers! Good job!
Don’t mention it to the Palin family, though…not a lot of education fans there…
Oh those damn, wealthy, fatcat teachers! They need to spend MORE of their own money supplying their students!
And I’ll put an end to teen pregnancy……Goddamn it! Who left that in the fucking speech?!?
Braaaaaaaaaains. Braaaaaaaaaaaains!
and America spends the lowest amount of its GDP for foreign aid than any other developed country.
Please pan to Sarah when he avoids ANWR!
From Pootie Tang:
He was rejuvenated. You hear that? Rejuvenated. He was juvenated before, lost it… and got juvinated again. Rejuvenated!
How about raising the damn CAFE standards, Johnny?
The 3-Legged Man: Why go at all? The oil and gas industry offers the perfect training for all strapping lads who don’t go off to fight! It’s like a greasy military!
au to mo beels
damn horesless carriages!
We’ll have so much gee-whiz Buck Rogers energy stuff you’ll wet your pants!
Only 25 minutes to go….. I’m sorry, this is worse than 5 1/2 years….
Whatever happened to that Bin Ladin guy? He in Gitmo?
confidence? wisdom? resolve? weasely, elderly Walnuts short on all 3..also short.
Tell us about all the good Republican achievements the past 7.5 years, Johnny! Plenty of time…I’ll give you 30 seconds….ready…set…go!
Hey lady, take your head out of that elephant’s ass.
AnnieGetYourFun: I offered $1…it wasn’t accepted…
And the Replikkan platform???? WAR!!!!
chascates: But that low % is BIGGER in dollarzzz than those higher GDP %-ages. USA USA USA!
He’s going to reminisce about his days at Gettysburg next…..
Every one of these crowd shots has somebody yawning. Maybe somebody turned of the air in the place.
Damn, he rambles just like my stroke-addled grandpa! Oh, wait…