Kwame Kilpatrick Puts Country Above Self, Resigns

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Goodbye, funny pal!The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.”

  • He threw a party with lady strippers at his house in 2002. His house was the mayor’s mansion.
  • He sent sexy text messages to his chief of staff, like a clown.
  • He lied under oath about some boring and less salacious thing … oh right, firing the cops who found out about the affair.
  • And then he vetoed his own removal from office!
  • And beat up some cops who came to his sister’s house!
  • And blamed the text messages on malicious Internet haxxors!
  • And violated his whatever, his don’t-go-to-Canada-while-indicted-for-everything deal.

    Finally Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm said ENOUGH OF THIS SHAMEFUL NONSENSE and called for removal proceedings, which lasted uh two-ish days. As part of his plea deal, Kwame Kilpatrick will not be able to run for public office for five years. Later, haters! Wonkette will see you all in 2013.

    Mayor: ‘I lied under oath’ [Detroit Free Press]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Godless Liberal *

    He should move to Alaska, where similar shenanigans are A-OK.

  • Strictly for the Tardcore

    If none of the strippers were named “Sarah Palin”, I really don’t see why we should care.

  • thefrontpage

    Ding, dong, the witch is dead.

  • RuperttheBear


  • magic titty

    These were all things done in Bill Clinton’s White House. Why am I caring? You keep on keepin’ on, Kwame.

  • Cape Clod

    At first I was worried that now Detroit would be leaderless but then I remembered that Detroit makes Fallujah look like New Rochelle.

  • Palin Comparison

    He LOL is LOL going LOL to LOL jail? LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

    He will be OK – he is big enough to protect himself/prey on others.

  • pondscum

    This really makes me sad. He was so damned entertaining!

  • M

    Can we just bump Walnuts off the GOP ticket and get this man in instead? He’s the perfect fit.

  • ManchuCandidate

    All he wanted was a table dance… and some side nookie and fire people who said he lied.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One less thing to make fun of.

  • loudmouthredhead

    One less thing going wrong in my home state. Oh yayz.

    He’ll be trading in his Benz Chili Bowlz for tossed salads and m4m. ZOMG LOL!

  • Serolf Divad

    This is sad day indeed: he was the one Democrat you could count on for a decent sex scandal… even if merely heterosexual motel-sex with someone whose name he actually knew.

  • Strictly for the Tardcore

    I don’t see what the big deal is. Sure, in New York or Seattle they call those things “crimes”. In Detroit they call it “Thursday.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    We haven’t heard the last of him. I see a future of failed talk shows on small cable channels, maybe a couple of QVC appearances, then some sort of visitation by Jesus and founding his own church in Detroit.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Meh, unless we see him in a clinch with Mother Sarah, not feeling the love on this one.

  • jerryw

    Oh those African Irishmen, can’t decide if they should steal or get drunk,
    or both.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=84037]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m pretty sure he’ll found a record label, but I agree with the rest.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    The only thing that could have made Kwame’s story funner is if he has been a Republican. Then again, I guess he would’ve been sending the sexy text messages to young boys, and his lawyer would have questioned the jurisdiction of his accusers, and Bush would’ve pardoned him, and … oh, well, nevermind.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=84039]jerryw[/re]: One does wonder how that came to be the family name…

  • shortsshortsshorts

    That’s not defensiveness we can believe in!!!!!1!

  • Vanity Smurf

    There’s no Sarah the Impaler angle. yawn. I just can’t get excited about something this mundane after the wild snowmachine ride we’ve been on since Friday.

    Where’s our thread about Vanity Fair tallying up Cindy Lou’s outfit at $300,000 for Monday night alone.

  • lurkystars

    [re=84030]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I post this as a Detroiter.

    There will still be plenty of things to make fun of – including K2. Don’t fret, my pet.

    Like the rats leaving the sinking ship. Minutes after he announced his plea and resignation, the chief of police announced her retirement. The fun has just begun.

  • mookworthjwilson

    I believe now, according to the city charter, Robocop is the new mayor of Detroit.

  • Makeithurt

    Maybe Cynthia McKinney needs a staffer in the Green Party. Oh, but this Irish-African-American convict is on his way to the pokey. Ooops.

  • wx insider

    When he gets out of jail he can move
    to Washington, DC, and get elected mayor!

  • lurkystars

    [re=84037]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Church of Kwame in Christ. You are correct!

  • bitchincamaro

    3 cheers! Now I can devote full attention to the new O.J. trial. And so can the rest of ‘merica.

  • Aurelio

    Besides jail and having to pay $1,000,000 restitution, he has lost his job as mayor and his law license. They have really destroyed this poor fuck. All because of a little pussy. This is evidence against the existence of God.

  • Servo

    Kwame’s World! Party on! Excellent!

  • lumpenprole

    I think a wrathful Jennifer Granholm is probably awesome sexy.

  • dave666

    What a great American

  • KevoTron

    I don’t get it. Where’s the Sarah Palin angle in this post? Isn’t this the Sarah Palin snark site or am I lost?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Thank Gawd you live in a place that is so easy to snark on. Detroit, Alaska, Texas and D.C.
    These are the places where comedy gold is made.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …Hmmmmmm, let see:

    -Mayor of a city
    -Multiple scandals
    -Abuse of power
    -Cheated on spouse
    -Used office to settle personal vendettas

    I think I smell a replacement for Sarah Palin!

  • columnv

    The judiciary is racist.

  • Vanity Smurf

    [re=84068]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Thank you, I am now satisfied that there is, in fact, a Sarah the Impaler angle.

  • Miller

    The party with the strippers at the unemployment office ought to at least be as good as the one at the mayor’s house. That is…unless this “resigning” was a result of those damned HAXX0RZ again!

  • lurkystars

    [re=84067]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I laugh to keep from crying…

  • Doglessliberal
  • dano

    The only question now is: How will Fox News ham-handedly link this to Obama?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=84119]dano[/re]: they are both Negroez and all those Negroez are friends and hold the same opinions, right?

  • Mr. Herpes

    My prediction? Tonight, McCain “accidently” pledges to do everything to “stop Kwame Kilpatrick….I mean Osama Obama…I mean the Democrats” from taking the White House. Any takers?

  • Tybalt

    If a mayor can’t get a little pussy and push a few people around, what is the world coming to. I want KK as the mayor here.

  • Tybalt

    …and since he seems to love Canada so much, maybe we’ll get him here after all.

  • grendel

    Huh? But he has Executive Experience! He has more executive experience than Barack Obama, so obviously he should be President, and then he can pardon himself.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    How did this guy get to be mayor in the first place? Oh, that’s right, it’s Detroit.

  • donner_froh

    Clearly an attempt by the Black/Democratic/Liberal establishment to draw attention from the real news of the day–that neither Sarah Palin nor any of her reported offspring either became or made someone pregnant in the past 24 hours.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=84200]donner_froh[/re]: that we know of….

  • donner_froh

    [re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Mayor Designate for Life Shrek will be too busy keeping Monica Conyers from chewing his legs off to be much fun. Kwame Kenyatta might be screwy enough but he has some big shoes (you know what they say about that…) to fill.

  • BigDupa

    I’ll have to pour a Stroh’s beer for you, Kwame, my brother. Long live the 313!

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Goddamn. Where’s Jerry Cavenaugh when you need him? Long live the 313 indeed. And as long as we’re making with the Motor City (hardly applicable anymore, am I right?) references, how about this one: DeHoCo.

  • travellabyrinth

    I think “kwame” should be the verb form of “LOL”. As in: I just kwamed.