MILESTONES  12:20 pm September 4, 2008

Kwame Kilpatrick Puts Country Above Self, Resigns

by Sara K. Smith

Goodbye, funny pal!The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.”

Hola wonkerados.

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Godless Liberal * September 4, 2008 at 12:23 pm

He should move to Alaska, where similar shenanigans are A-OK.

Strictly for the Tardcore September 4, 2008 at 12:24 pm

If none of the strippers were named “Sarah Palin”, I really don’t see why we should care.

thefrontpage September 4, 2008 at 12:25 pm

Ding, dong, the witch is dead.

RuperttheBear September 4, 2008 at 12:25 pm


magic titty September 4, 2008 at 12:27 pm

These were all things done in Bill Clinton’s White House. Why am I caring? You keep on keepin’ on, Kwame.

Cape Clod September 4, 2008 at 12:28 pm

At first I was worried that now Detroit would be leaderless but then I remembered that Detroit makes Fallujah look like New Rochelle.

Palin Comparison September 4, 2008 at 12:28 pm

He LOL is LOL going LOL to LOL jail? LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

He will be OK – he is big enough to protect himself/prey on others.

pondscum September 4, 2008 at 12:28 pm

This really makes me sad. He was so damned entertaining!

M September 4, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Can we just bump Walnuts off the GOP ticket and get this man in instead? He’s the perfect fit.

ManchuCandidate September 4, 2008 at 12:32 pm

All he wanted was a table dance… and some side nookie and fire people who said he lied.

shortsshortsshorts September 4, 2008 at 12:33 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One less thing to make fun of.

loudmouthredhead September 4, 2008 at 12:33 pm

One less thing going wrong in my home state. Oh yayz.

He’ll be trading in his Benz Chili Bowlz for tossed salads and m4m. ZOMG LOL!

Serolf Divad September 4, 2008 at 12:34 pm

This is sad day indeed: he was the one Democrat you could count on for a decent sex scandal… even if merely heterosexual motel-sex with someone whose name he actually knew.

Strictly for the Tardcore September 4, 2008 at 12:34 pm

I don’t see what the big deal is. Sure, in New York or Seattle they call those things “crimes”. In Detroit they call it “Thursday.”

SayItWithWookies September 4, 2008 at 12:35 pm

We haven’t heard the last of him. I see a future of failed talk shows on small cable channels, maybe a couple of QVC appearances, then some sort of visitation by Jesus and founding his own church in Detroit.

Texan Bulldoggette September 4, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Meh, unless we see him in a clinch with Mother Sarah, not feeling the love on this one.

jerryw September 4, 2008 at 12:38 pm

Oh those African Irishmen, can’t decide if they should steal or get drunk,
or both.

loudmouthredhead September 4, 2008 at 12:39 pm

[re=84037]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m pretty sure he’ll found a record label, but I agree with the rest.

Advocatus_Diaboli September 4, 2008 at 12:39 pm

The only thing that could have made Kwame’s story funner is if he has been a Republican. Then again, I guess he would’ve been sending the sexy text messages to young boys, and his lawyer would have questioned the jurisdiction of his accusers, and Bush would’ve pardoned him, and … oh, well, nevermind.

loudmouthredhead September 4, 2008 at 12:41 pm

[re=84039]jerryw[/re]: One does wonder how that came to be the family name…

shortsshortsshorts September 4, 2008 at 12:43 pm

That’s not defensiveness we can believe in!!!!!1!

Vanity Smurf September 4, 2008 at 12:44 pm

There’s no Sarah the Impaler angle. yawn. I just can’t get excited about something this mundane after the wild snowmachine ride we’ve been on since Friday.

Where’s our thread about Vanity Fair tallying up Cindy Lou’s outfit at $300,000 for Monday night alone.

lurkystars September 4, 2008 at 12:45 pm

[re=84030]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I post this as a Detroiter.

There will still be plenty of things to make fun of – including K2. Don’t fret, my pet.

Like the rats leaving the sinking ship. Minutes after he announced his plea and resignation, the chief of police announced her retirement. The fun has just begun.

mookworthjwilson September 4, 2008 at 12:45 pm

I believe now, according to the city charter, Robocop is the new mayor of Detroit.

Makeithurt September 4, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Maybe Cynthia McKinney needs a staffer in the Green Party. Oh, but this Irish-African-American convict is on his way to the pokey. Ooops.

wx insider September 4, 2008 at 12:45 pm

When he gets out of jail he can move
to Washington, DC, and get elected mayor!

lurkystars September 4, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=84037]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Church of Kwame in Christ. You are correct!

bitchincamaro September 4, 2008 at 12:52 pm

3 cheers! Now I can devote full attention to the new O.J. trial. And so can the rest of ‘merica.

Aurelio September 4, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Besides jail and having to pay $1,000,000 restitution, he has lost his job as mayor and his law license. They have really destroyed this poor fuck. All because of a little pussy. This is evidence against the existence of God.

Servo September 4, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Kwame’s World! Party on! Excellent!

lumpenprole September 4, 2008 at 12:56 pm

I think a wrathful Jennifer Granholm is probably awesome sexy.

dave666 September 4, 2008 at 12:58 pm

What a great American

KevoTron September 4, 2008 at 12:58 pm

I don’t get it. Where’s the Sarah Palin angle in this post? Isn’t this the Sarah Palin snark site or am I lost?

shortsshortsshorts September 4, 2008 at 12:58 pm

[re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Thank Gawd you live in a place that is so easy to snark on. Detroit, Alaska, Texas and D.C.
These are the places where comedy gold is made.

AngryBlakGuy September 4, 2008 at 12:59 pm

…Hmmmmmm, let see:

-Mayor of a city
-Multiple scandals
-Abuse of power
-Cheated on spouse
-Used office to settle personal vendettas

I think I smell a replacement for Sarah Palin!

columnv September 4, 2008 at 1:01 pm

The judiciary is racist.

Vanity Smurf September 4, 2008 at 1:05 pm

[re=84068]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Thank you, I am now satisfied that there is, in fact, a Sarah the Impaler angle.

Miller September 4, 2008 at 1:15 pm

The party with the strippers at the unemployment office ought to at least be as good as the one at the mayor’s house. That is…unless this “resigning” was a result of those damned HAXX0RZ again!

lurkystars September 4, 2008 at 1:22 pm

[re=84067]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I laugh to keep from crying…

Doglessliberal September 4, 2008 at 1:22 pm
dano September 4, 2008 at 1:27 pm

The only question now is: How will Fox News ham-handedly link this to Obama?

Doglessliberal September 4, 2008 at 1:36 pm

[re=84119]dano[/re]: they are both Negroez and all those Negroez are friends and hold the same opinions, right?

Mr. Herpes September 4, 2008 at 1:41 pm

My prediction? Tonight, McCain “accidently” pledges to do everything to “stop Kwame Kilpatrick….I mean Osama Obama…I mean the Democrats” from taking the White House. Any takers?

Tybalt September 4, 2008 at 1:46 pm

If a mayor can’t get a little pussy and push a few people around, what is the world coming to. I want KK as the mayor here.

Tybalt September 4, 2008 at 1:46 pm

…and since he seems to love Canada so much, maybe we’ll get him here after all.

grendel September 4, 2008 at 1:49 pm

Huh? But he has Executive Experience! He has more executive experience than Barack Obama, so obviously he should be President, and then he can pardon himself.

Advocatus_Diaboli September 4, 2008 at 1:56 pm

How did this guy get to be mayor in the first place? Oh, that’s right, it’s Detroit.

donner_froh September 4, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Clearly an attempt by the Black/Democratic/Liberal establishment to draw attention from the real news of the day–that neither Sarah Palin nor any of her reported offspring either became or made someone pregnant in the past 24 hours.

Doglessliberal September 4, 2008 at 2:18 pm

[re=84200]donner_froh[/re]: that we know of….

donner_froh September 4, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Mayor Designate for Life Shrek will be too busy keeping Monica Conyers from chewing his legs off to be much fun. Kwame Kenyatta might be screwy enough but he has some big shoes (you know what they say about that…) to fill.

BigDupa September 4, 2008 at 2:46 pm

I’ll have to pour a Stroh’s beer for you, Kwame, my brother. Long live the 313!

ThePuckStopsHere September 4, 2008 at 3:07 pm

Goddamn. Where’s Jerry Cavenaugh when you need him? Long live the 313 indeed. And as long as we’re making with the Motor City (hardly applicable anymore, am I right?) references, how about this one: DeHoCo.

travellabyrinth September 4, 2008 at 10:34 pm

I think “kwame” should be the verb form of “LOL”. As in: I just kwamed.

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