Kwame Kilpatrick Puts Country Above Self, Resigns

Goodbye, funny pal!The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.”

  • He threw a party with lady strippers at his house in 2002. His house was the mayor’s mansion.
  • He sent sexy text messages to his chief of staff, like a clown.
  • He lied under oath about some boring and less salacious thing … oh right, firing the cops who found out about the affair.
  • And then he vetoed his own removal from office!
  • And beat up some cops who came to his sister’s house!
  • And blamed the text messages on malicious Internet haxxors!
  • And violated his whatever, his don’t-go-to-Canada-while-indicted-for-everything deal.

    Finally Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm said ENOUGH OF THIS SHAMEFUL NONSENSE and called for removal proceedings, which lasted uh two-ish days. As part of his plea deal, Kwame Kilpatrick will not be able to run for public office for five years. Later, haters! Wonkette will see you all in 2013.

    Mayor: ‘I lied under oath’ [Detroit Free Press]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  1. Strictly for the Tardcore

    If none of the strippers were named “Sarah Palin”, I really don’t see why we should care.

  2. magic titty

    These were all things done in Bill Clinton’s White House. Why am I caring? You keep on keepin’ on, Kwame.

  3. Cape Clod

    At first I was worried that now Detroit would be leaderless but then I remembered that Detroit makes Fallujah look like New Rochelle.

  4. Palin Comparison

    He LOL is LOL going LOL to LOL jail? LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

    He will be OK – he is big enough to protect himself/prey on others.

  5. shortsshortsshorts

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One less thing to make fun of.

  6. loudmouthredhead

    One less thing going wrong in my home state. Oh yayz.

    He’ll be trading in his Benz Chili Bowlz for tossed salads and m4m. ZOMG LOL!

  7. Serolf Divad

    This is sad day indeed: he was the one Democrat you could count on for a decent sex scandal… even if merely heterosexual motel-sex with someone whose name he actually knew.

  8. Strictly for the Tardcore

    I don’t see what the big deal is. Sure, in New York or Seattle they call those things “crimes”. In Detroit they call it “Thursday.”

  9. SayItWithWookies

    We haven’t heard the last of him. I see a future of failed talk shows on small cable channels, maybe a couple of QVC appearances, then some sort of visitation by Jesus and founding his own church in Detroit.

  10. loudmouthredhead

    [re=84037]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m pretty sure he’ll found a record label, but I agree with the rest.

  11. Advocatus_Diaboli

    The only thing that could have made Kwame’s story funner is if he has been a Republican. Then again, I guess he would’ve been sending the sexy text messages to young boys, and his lawyer would have questioned the jurisdiction of his accusers, and Bush would’ve pardoned him, and … oh, well, nevermind.

  12. Vanity Smurf

    There’s no Sarah the Impaler angle. yawn. I just can’t get excited about something this mundane after the wild snowmachine ride we’ve been on since Friday.

    Where’s our thread about Vanity Fair tallying up Cindy Lou’s outfit at $300,000 for Monday night alone.

  13. lurkystars

    [re=84030]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I post this as a Detroiter.

    There will still be plenty of things to make fun of – including K2. Don’t fret, my pet.

    Like the rats leaving the sinking ship. Minutes after he announced his plea and resignation, the chief of police announced her retirement. The fun has just begun.

  14. Makeithurt

    Maybe Cynthia McKinney needs a staffer in the Green Party. Oh, but this Irish-African-American convict is on his way to the pokey. Ooops.

  15. Aurelio

    Besides jail and having to pay $1,000,000 restitution, he has lost his job as mayor and his law license. They have really destroyed this poor fuck. All because of a little pussy. This is evidence against the existence of God.

  16. KevoTron

    I don’t get it. Where’s the Sarah Palin angle in this post? Isn’t this the Sarah Palin snark site or am I lost?

  17. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Thank Gawd you live in a place that is so easy to snark on. Detroit, Alaska, Texas and D.C.
    These are the places where comedy gold is made.

  18. AngryBlakGuy

    …Hmmmmmm, let see:

    -Mayor of a city
    -Multiple scandals
    -Abuse of power
    -Cheated on spouse
    -Used office to settle personal vendettas

    I think I smell a replacement for Sarah Palin!

  19. Vanity Smurf

    [re=84068]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Thank you, I am now satisfied that there is, in fact, a Sarah the Impaler angle.

  20. Doglessliberal

    [re=84119]dano[/re]: they are both Negroez and all those Negroez are friends and hold the same opinions, right?

  21. Mr. Herpes

    My prediction? Tonight, McCain “accidently” pledges to do everything to “stop Kwame Kilpatrick….I mean Osama Obama…I mean the Democrats” from taking the White House. Any takers?

  22. Tybalt

    If a mayor can’t get a little pussy and push a few people around, what is the world coming to. I want KK as the mayor here.

  23. grendel

    Huh? But he has Executive Experience! He has more executive experience than Barack Obama, so obviously he should be President, and then he can pardon himself.

  24. donner_froh

    Clearly an attempt by the Black/Democratic/Liberal establishment to draw attention from the real news of the day–that neither Sarah Palin nor any of her reported offspring either became or made someone pregnant in the past 24 hours.

  25. donner_froh

    [re=84046]lurkystars[/re]: Mayor Designate for Life Shrek will be too busy keeping Monica Conyers from chewing his legs off to be much fun. Kwame Kenyatta might be screwy enough but he has some big shoes (you know what they say about that…) to fill.

  26. ThePuckStopsHere

    Goddamn. Where’s Jerry Cavenaugh when you need him? Long live the 313 indeed. And as long as we’re making with the Motor City (hardly applicable anymore, am I right?) references, how about this one: DeHoCo.

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