Wonkette
Sarah Palin will not be making an appearance at the RNC tonight, but why? Because you have to put Country First. Also: she’s a failure. [CBS2]
SARAH PALIN
No Sarah Palin Appearance Tonight, Because… Just Because!
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5:36 PM
on Tue September 2 2008
By
Jim Newell
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She’s busy with the “firehose” that Santorum mentioned.
Soviet invasion! Yah! Sarah to the rescue! Can’t attend tonight, but who cares? Thank God for Sarah, we’re saved!!
Queue comic “Midnight at the Apollo” hook…
No appearance at the RNC tonight, because… she’s being taken off the ticket. The comedy pinata that is Sarah Palin is no more.
(Really? Could this EPIC FAIL get any better? I mean, I was praying for Mittens but I had no earthly idea it would get this good. It’s like the end of Star Wars combined with a Marx Bros. movie. Couldn’t happen to a better bunch of people.)
I’d send her out there. At this point, expectations are so low for her that all she has to do is say a few things and not give birth to anything and people will lay off of her.
One of McCain’s advisors has locked her in a room with the box set of Schoolhouse Rock — so unfortunately she’s going to be unavailable for press opportunities until about mid-October. Maybe.
Instead of having Sarah Palin speak, the RNC is just going to have her dress up like Stevie and sing her song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IVCtdQke-w
The “Wasilla Witch,” perhaps?
We can’t use EPIC FAIL anymore because it cannot describe the RIDICULOUS, IDIOTIC, MORANIC LEVEL OF ABSOLUTE UNRELENTING FAILURE that WALNUTS! has unleashed upon his Party.
Replacing her would be worse than keeping her, but either way we win, so carry on WALNUTS! Well done.
SayItWithWookies: There’s one about how a bill becomes a law from the Simpson’s that sounds right up Caribou’s alley.
“I”m an amendment to be, yes an amendment to be,
and I’m hopin’ that they ratify me,
There’s a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom,
I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat ‘em,
Cause there’s limits to our liberty,
At least I hope and pray that there are,
‘Cause those liberal freaks go too far.”
jjgittes: Agreed. I was really bummed when Mittens and Joe got the shaft. I was even a little worried. Now it looks like McCain might just ask for a mulligan and things got totally effing great again!
This election is better than porn. Even if a porno lasted two years and starred a fresh-faced black guy and a hot, middle-aged woman… even then it wouldn’t be as awesome as this.
NoWireHangers: Forgot to turn off the BOLD, but at this point, I don’t think it matters.
no…no…no. This will actually help her! The nice news lady told me.
…she is to busy trying to waterboard Bristol babies daddy into marrying her daughter.
jjgittes: It’s probably Snowmobile Ken’s being registered to the secessionist party for over ten years that finally did it. Dare we hope he was part of the militia movement too? Yes, yes, I think we dare. Tweety has already started pushing the AIP thing.
She must have to watch the kids tonight because hubby decided he wanted to go out with the guys and talk about how he didn’t think Levi had it in him. But Bristol apparently did.
There will be a floor fight if they pull her. We might finally get some actual convention excitement.
I can’t tell if I loathe or pity the fucking redneck who is going to be held to a shotgun wedding for the sake of the Republican Party.
jjgittes: “Really? Could this EPIC FAIL get any better? I mean, I was praying for Mittens but I had no earthly idea it would get this good. It’s like the end of Star Wars combined with a Marx Bros. movie. Couldn’t happen to a better bunch of people.)”
Just wait. If she gets pulled and they nominate Mittens or Lieberman in her place. Especially Holy Joe. That would be fantastic… like jumping out of a frying pan and into an all-biker ass orgy.
No Sarah tongiht (tear). I want to hear her ask somebody if he threw is buddy in the chipper.
NoWireHangers: …I have few suggestions:
-Ultimate Fail
-Omnipotent Fail
-Galactic Fail
-Wile Coyote Fail
-Bill Kristol Fail
-Anti-Matter meets space time continuum Fail
or maybe we can just give her, her own category: Super Uterus Fail?
AnnieGetYourFun: This would make a wonderful Lifetime Original movie.
AnnieGetYourFun: Also, what a fucking horrible cause to be martyred for. If you’re gonna die on a hill, pick a better goddamn hill.
AnnieGetYourFun: If I know hockey players (and 35 years in Canada should qualify me as a relative expert on hockey players), I assure you, you loathe him.
ThatChicagoGuy: um. i’m no biologist, but i think Levi had it in her.
AnnieGetYourFun: God, I never thought of it that way. At this point the kid has no choice in this at all. Poor guy. One day you’re deflowering teenage girls (I mean this in the normal, high school sense) and the next you’re in the media spotlight. Honestly unfair to Bristol and this poor kid. At 17 I was in no way capable of understanding something as complex as this election.
AnnieGetYourFun: Loathe him; he’s perfectly loathable. Pity Bristol, who’s going to have to let that fuzzy Neanderthal stick his dick in her until her mom’s out of the public eye.
Most. Fucked-Up. Convention. Ever.
Babycuda is busy re-writing her speech, which was originally written for a guy. It’s a process of ‘vaginification’, if you will. C’est la vie. Cut her some slack, as Rome wasn’t birthed in a day.
But you know that America loves her, because she is JUST LIKE THEM.
People will see Obama and Biden with their fancy degrees and lack of accents as elitists. And thus, we will have a President Palin once McCain’s face kills him.
Hurray!
The snowbilly redneck Levi deserves to be married into that family. That’s what you get for dippin’ your wick in the honey pot, boy. Shouldda had teh butseks. You getz no baby that way.
It’s probably some new horrible family secret that involves the family dog, Vaseline, the other husband, the uncle in the basement, the cousin in the attic and an overdue library book titled Pandas, Pets or Meat?
I must object to Governor Palin being called a failure. As a person who sits around reading blogs all day, I am a failure; by contrast, Governor Palin is a calamity.
Won’t you smile awhile for me, Sarah?
AngryBlakGuy: Excellent suggestions, especially the Kristol. He was a fan! Hahahaha….
I swear I just saw Rick Davis pull a Freudian slip and call her Sarah Failin and corrected it back to Palin. Funny stuff.
TGY: Old language:
“I’ve got the balls to when this thing, and will easily shaft my opponent.”
New Language:
“I am so very pretty and nice! I’m just your simple girl with breasts and a great ass who recently got out of war with Russia. Oh yes I forgot FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!!!!1!”
I bet the son who is deploying to Iraq on 9/11 is looking to see if he can’t get over there a little early.
She’s not getting pulled. She’s become the Fundies’ Virgin Mary, and they’re already forwarding email about how wonderful — nay, Thatcheresque (I shit you not) — the Governess truly is.
Who was that guy on Greens Acres? Yeah yeah. Mr. Haney. Always selling unbelievable broken and useless crap witha straight face.
This “delay” is part of the strategy, The GOP has a surprize for us. Thats the ticket, a Big Surprize. Sheesh. They can barely manage to get a Republican to go on the stage tonight. Looks like Lieberman is the headliner.
Has she gone into labor again?
When they make the Obama movie, this will be the 3rd act of the film that is full of unforgiving, hilarity. They’ll cut a brief scene with Obama drinking his elitist tea and reading the new yorker in between this madness.
KevoTron: Better than porn? Only if you’re into S&M. This shit is PAINFUL.
SayItWithWookies: . . . non sequitur, but it made me think of the sex version of the School House Rock thing from the Wet Spots. Sorry to link again. Boring day. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8uyRwkSZhE
naveed:
5th paragraph
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94194824&ft=1&f=1012
Santorum is such an idiot.
Vanity Smurf: Re: Flag burning. Didn’t Hillary sign on to that one?
Oh, I pity Bristol, not only for the fact that she is named “Bristol” (and I actually like weird names), but also because a decision was made without having her best interests at heart. It’s one thing to be Jamie Lynn Spears, it’s another to be the kid of a Repube who you may or may not agree with and know that your head has been Photoshopped onto a Juno poster for all the world to see.
KevoTron: It’s about as complex as a Jerry Springer brawl-a-thon. I don’t feel sorry for Levi at all. I’m glad he’s not getting away with anything. On the other hand, I do feel sorry for Bristol. Who wants to be married to a redneck hockey player who hunts, fishes, and “has a bright future ahead of him” — in ALASKA?
Isn’t the GOP convention just an audition for teevee weather meteorologists? I thought Laura crushed Cindy in Round One of So You Think You Can Read the Forecast. Palin would make it too if she said “It’s getting really hot in here” and start peeling off layers.
I can not wait for the Sarah-cooter speech!
sanantonerose: Well, I guess I feel sorry for anyone who can’t sneak away and have an abortion because Mommy is JUST SO PROUD THAT YOU ARE DOING WHAT JESUS WANTED, but just a littletoosoon! Seriously, I’m going to go make a donation to Planned Parenthood right now.
Monsieur Grumpe: Heh heh heh. Vaseline and overdue library books. Reminds of the time I … uh, nevermind.
Bristol, do not marry Levi Johnston. Kevin Federline is available, and believe me, much more solid.
AnnieGetYourFun: Please make it in Bristol’s name. I did.
shoeho: DAMN. That didn’t occur to me.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: Not teaching your 17 year old kid about condoms is irresponsible. Forcing or even supporting her marriage is immoral.
i don’t feel sorry for levi even a little bit.
am a 61 year-old white male who has had women from all over the
world…of all races, colors, religions [or none], tall, short,
fat and skinny, and i think, certifiably insane…but never, never,
Here it comes!
numbers changing fast at INTRADE!!!!!
activate Manchurian VP
tsunami:
[hit the wrong button, sorry]…but never, never a republican.
i never cared how hot they were…they’re universally vapid.
fuck levi…if his life becomes one of ridicule and opression or
quiet desperation…he deserves every minute of it. fuck him.
Soviet invasion!!?!?!!
WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yup-yup, please stay in it. I don’t care if you have to throw your daughters under the bus, your “Don’t ask-don’t tell” son, the grandson, and the preggers suit brissy’s been wearing for this double burrito cover-up clusterfuck… but god, woman, this shit’s better than christmas, cocktober, and david vitter’s diaper erotica rolled into one.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She can’t be pulled from the ticket! I just sent my “Vice-PILF” T-Shirts to the printer!
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: Levi - which is it, named from the Bible, or the jeans his mom was wearing before conception?
tsunami…
“I’m a travelin’ man, made a lot of stops all over the world
and in every port I own the heart of at least one lovely girl…
I have a pretty senorita waiting for me down in ole Mexico
AND IF YOU’RE EVER IN ALASKA STOP AND SEE MY CUTE LITTLE ESKIMO!”
Monsieur Grumpe:
went to your link…
21 year-old delegate Summer Vanderbilt…well, excuse fukkin’ me.
gotta run. my daughter, Winter Unemployment, is calling me. seems my
son, Six Months Probation Unemployment is in a wee bit of trouble.
The reason she isn’t at the RNC confab tonight is it’s Reloading Nite at her church, where they all bring their brass and powder and cap up some fresh ammo. Shit, you didn’t think she was giving up her night life just to fluff ol Johnny boy,l did you?
Monsieur Grumpe: It’s probably some new horrible family secret that involves the family dog, Vaseline
It’s sad that the Palin naming conventions are so bizarre that I had to read that twice to realize the dog’s name is not, in fact, Vaseline.
Sarah Failin’
shoeho: Planned Parenthood money bomb in honor of Bristol is a great idea.
tsunami: Aw, c’mon. Some of them aren’t vapid. Certifiably insane, perhaps.
iwillsavethispatient: His momma wears Wranglers or whatever they sell at Wal-Mart.
tsunami: “It’s a very interesting turn of events,” she laughs. “Look, we have a very exciting party. We have a very exciting time. We’ve got a hurricane. We’ve got a baby. … We’re just having fun with all the different turns and we just don’t know what’s happening next.”
Summer Vanderbilt said that. SUMMER FUCKING VANDERBILT HAS TEH FUN WITH HURRICANEZ.
Why is it that none of these Alaskan kids ever goes to college — not even community college?
Last week was all magisterial oration and party unity, magnificent spectacle and promise. This week is WTF? batshit crazy, moose cadavers, breaking water, teen pregnancy, cooter snowmobile madness. What happened? I had a vodka drip installed in my arm today. Everything is better.
speaking of diaper erotica… anyone know what the hell happened to FlyinChainsaw and his insane and filthy posts? God, I hope they haven’t gitmo’ed his ass… we’re striking gold in yup-yup’s klondike, but think what he could do with all this raw ore.
AnnieGetYourFun: Honestly, I’m jealous. Being able to wreck the Republican Party AND avoid getting tied down to a wife and kid you never wanted, all in one fell swoop?
Reach for that brass ring, Levi. And get Willow Palin knocked up too while you’re at it.
McCain’s warning a few weeks ago that Putin aspires to revive the RUSSIAN EMPIRE finally makes sense. With PALIN we can defend our borders! WE’RE FIGHTING THEM ACROSS THE BERING STRAIT SO WE DON’T HAVE TO FIGHT ‘EM HERE.
Geeez, this looks like it’s going to be the push I need to change over to
A Hi-Def Plasma T.V. There’s no way in hell I’m going to miss the chance
to see Wallnuts blow out those throbbing veins on his head in vibrant living
(or maybe…) color. You do know about his anger management issues, huh?
Oh to have been a fly on the wall when the first notice of the problems with
his VP chick of choice came home to roost, and then as it slowly unfolds, as
he hears the rest of the Sarah Palin Chronicles spelled out on television.
Hi-Def is a starting point, I’m sure the recorder will need to be purchased
as well to save it all in real time.
http://boskolives.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/friday-june-20th-at-10am/
sanantonerose: I don’t think he should “get away” with anything. But neither he nor Bristol really had any choice about getting an abortion. The guy should have wrapped it (maybe he did. Who knows? Nothing is 100% preventative) and you’re right it’s not that complex. I just think that I, as a teenager, would not have been able to foresee the consequences of a little backseat nookie with the future GOP Princess.
The most wrath I had to face was from my girlfriends Republican father (like, millionaire fundie, Republican) once he found out about my little “camping trip” plans with his youngest daughter. Whoa.
Reefpilot: I shed a solitary tear of alaskan mountain water in his memory.
Reefpilot: That’s what your shirt says? The one I’m making says, “Experience is the most important question in this election. –John McCain,” and on the back it says, “Someone would have to explain to me what it is the VP does on a day-to-day basis. –Sarah Palin”.
AnnieGetYourFun:
i guess it was my bad luck to meet only the vapid ones…or, good luck.
actually, in a woman, vapid doesn’t bother me too much if she’s hot.
i’m very shallow that way.
it’s the republican part that bothers me. i do have some pride…or, used to, anyway.
at my age, i just take off my glasses.
WadISay: I bet the dude that knocked up Bristol just enlisted and wants on that samr plane…
AnnieGetYourFun: I’m with you. As redonkulous as this veep pick is, I do feel sorry for her backwoods family. I’ll gladly give the Palin fam a pass — but the woman herself has no bizness being involved in this election. Her teenage kid acted like a teenage kid and got carried away with the hormones and whatnot. No biggie.
The only thing that separates many of us from her, is that we were too dorky to score at the same age.
I’m really disapointed with this. Sarah has the most extensive eyewear collection I’ve ever seen. I’ve been trying to count how many pairs she has. How does she afford these glasses? Who pays for them? What country are they made in? America, I mean Alaska demands to know! NOW!
So, our favorite Governor/hottie won’t be around tonight, apparently so McCain can do some vetting of her, but Jomentum is taking over the convention. We are all just pawns to John McCain and his soon to be VP Joe Liberman.
Strictly for the Tardcore: the last eight years, the veep ran the country
Monsieur Grumpe: Wait, Rick Santorum is going to put his fire hose in her mouth?
Wait a minute baby…
Stay with me awhile
Said you’d give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now its gone
It doesn’t matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Borat:
i believe you are focused on the wrong pair.
God I hope you’re all right about this. Keep it up, it’s making me feel better. I’ve grown so insane these past eight years I see diabolical intent in everything the GOP does.
“This is just a bonu$,” Sheri Johnston (Levi’s mum) said.
Godot: Careful Levi, Sarah knows how to deal with people who get in her way:
http://mudflats.wordpress.com/2008/09/01/a-photo-safari-of-wasilla-alaska-home-of-sarah-palin/valley-7/
More of the McSame: McCain took a half-assed jump into a misguided decision based on ignorance and the glimmer of political gain — then fucking disaster. Just the way Bush decided to invade Iraq.
OMG. Levi Johnston is going to deliver Rudy’s stolen keynote!
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jIMJWupyWNmvU3UX2aGhICmZrQ_wD92UQKS81
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: The RNC line is that the DNC was “scripted” while theirs is more “genuine,” which is true because it is genuinely all fucked in the head by rabid dogs raping their faces.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez:
No doubt they’ll give him a standing ovation for knocking her up.
mi·sog·y·nist (m-sj-nst) n. A 72-year-old man who knowingly “outs” a 17-year-old unmarried woman exposing her darkest secret to literally the whole world.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah…the church lady on NPR, what her name…Robert Livingston Seagal?
OOooo…I feel good cuz I got me a cut fundie-lovin’ spoonful of sno-billie and she’s ticklin’ on my base.
Sarah Palin will obviously wear a long gown, tiara and a “VPILF” sash during her acceptance speech. But will she be clutching a scepter and wearing an ermine cape? The suspense builds!
Clancy_Pants: Word. Add that to the list of reasons why I want to throw things at my television. You gotta wonder if anyone anywhere close to this man thought to suggest that this might not be the right time to knock on this particular family’s door.
Vanity Smurf: None ever NEED to go to college because the VPILF has negotiated a mighty $1200 a year for them from the oil revenues. These eskimo-arabs need to cut their dependence on oil.
Oh wait. If Alaska becomes their own country, they can join Opec and screw ‘merica even more!!!
I’m sitting here reading Wonkette comments about Palin, clinging to the hope that there are a few sane people left. It’s my only hope these days. The TV is on in the background, and Pat Buchanan is almost having an orgasm talking about Palin being a “true conservative” and how they “Finally got a candidate who is one of US.”
*Turns off TV”
grevillea: If I were Levi, a connie wouldn’t be all I would be looking for protection right now.
Get the hell out!! Take the some $$$ from some magazine and go to Mexico before you get disappeared or shipped off to Iraq. DUDE LISTEN TO ME THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT (in Ray Nigen’s newly authoritative voice).
Scooter: Leslie Sanchez gives that an A++++!
Failin Pailin - If Walnuts wants a Repub Babe - I say bring back “Pink Sugar” Harris!!!
naveed: I think he was saying Fire Jose?
Is it true that Meghan McCain’s next book will be called “Walnuts and the Case of the Alaskan Albatross”?
RuperttheBear: Who could have scripted this clusterfuck? John Waters on a serious magic mushrooom binge? The reanimated corpse of Hunter S. Thompson?
accidental_tourist: Palin worked for Pat’s campaign back in 1992 No wonder the old git likes her.
Democratica: I know! The way they (Walnuts and Mommy dearest) sprung it on the family with no input from the one going to be the most hurt.. Self-serving monsters! Both of them.
Joey Ratz: It’s simple, really. Sometimes you need to follow your instincts. Be who you were meant to be. Like the GOP. They’re just people who need to do things.
Do you want to know how they got those scars?
AngryBlakGuy: Pfailin
RushLickBall: or is it Phalin…
regisgoat: FTW!
grevillea: You too!
I’ve helpfully titled some alternative-political-biopics.
Walnuts! and the FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!!!1! of Firehosed Albatross
Alaskan Queen Crab Meets Her Crunchy, Walnut-Breaded Doom!
YarrBrrYarr: The Life of an Alaskan Pirate Booty
On The Trail: Following Palin’s Amniotic Legacy
How Bristol Got Her Baby Back