Wonkette
Here is the story of how John McCain picked his running mate: after Barack Obama selected Joe Biden instead of Hillary Clinton, McCain went on a six-day Nyquil bender and at the end of it slurred, “Get me one of them wimmins.” He had always had his heart set on another salty warmonger like himself: Joe Lieberman. But conservatives hated Joe Lieberman for being an abortionist, and there just wasn’t enough room on one ticket for such a terrifying abundance of old man cheeks.
McCain’s other reasonable options — Pawlenty and Romney — were too boring and sensible, so he just picked up the phone book and plucked a name out of the middle. “Sarah’s a gal’s name, right?” he asked, before prank calling Palin with a joke about a gorilla. And then she became his vice president, for 72 hours.
Advisers say conservative ire pushed McCain away from picking Lieberman [International Herald Tribune]
Joe has experience with the preznit campaigns… experience losing.
Well, once Palin withdraws her name, old Joe can step into the breech. Can you imagine such a couple of crabby old warmongering cooters on the same ticket?
Bro’s before Ho’s.
It’s a damn shame. They make such a cute couple.
God, he’ll make a great presodint!
Please let it be true–Vinegar Joe as a sloppy second is even better than VJ as first choice. Exploding heads of Jeebus-lovers in 3…2…1….
Rick Davis is doing a fantastic job for the McCain campaign, and Rove is a great American.
Today is opposite day.
Missing Alt-Text? You Complete Me.
All I can say is: thank God for little mercies. As screwed up as the Palin choice was, a McCain/Lieberman ticket would have caused me nausea all the way to November (and four years dark, nihilistic despair thereafter if they’d actually pulled it off).
I loved how WALNUTS! was grinning on Friday, just like your senile uncle that tells some horrible joke that only he understands. Oh WALNUTS! you really fucked up this time. Hahahahahaha!
Terry:
Well, once Palin withdraws her name, old Joe can step into the breech. Can you imagine such a couple of crabby old warmongering cooters on the same ticket?
Do you think Lieberman, Romney, or Pawlenty will want to the sloppy-second VP pick on a sinking ship? If and when Palin withdraws I think the McCain campaign will be at square one in picking a VP.
I had no idea Democratic moles had infiltrated the McCain campaign so successfully. It’s the only explanation for this complete clusterfuck. Nobody can be this incompetent and clueless by accident.
I said this on another thread, but WALNUTS! can’t replace Palin b/c the GOP never admits defeat. He’d be a flip-flopping defeatist. I mean, if Palin stays or goes we still win. It’s too late, WALNUTS! It’s already over.
Liberman and McCain ticket will be unbeatable,sort of like Superman and Batman saving the country.
I am disappointed that we are not able to experience the excitement of a Lieberman/Biden thriller of a debate.
Well, look, why pick the person you want, who is experienced and knows their way around, when you can make a pick that is nakedly calculated political theater? Besides, the most important thing to the republicans, since the first days of the Reagan travesty, is to NOT piss off the telebangelicals, or the Nazi wing of the GOP…at ALL costs! No wonder the dems keep losing. Picking qualified people is obviously the wrong strategy in America. Can you have a beer with the person, can your son knock up their daughter, are they cranky old gradfather figures? These are the important qualities we are looking for in leaders! U-S-A, U-S-A…
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
http://www.spielerfrau.com/sarah-palin.jpg
Scarab: I still think Mittens will take the job, but he will make WALNUTS! beg him to do it.
Could I humbly suggest that tomorrow, instead of pink, that Wonkette experiment with a background that flashes on and off 10 times a second, just to see if it induces seizures?
Oh, and please let it be Joe Lieb in Round Two.
Right now the McCain camp are looking for an articulate, clean cut person of color to be ready at a moment’s notice.
Holy Joe is frequently off-color. Will that do?
Scarab: Lieberman will take it since he is a man without a party and he and Walnuts are soulmates. Mittens and Pawlenty would not want to waste their fine heads of Republican hair (they do have nice hair) on a losing ticket and are probably justly insulted and offended that Palin’s ovaries were picked over their experience. I can imagine Pawlenty saying right now “but my only sex scandal was that my wife would rather go fishing than have sex with me!”
…yeah, but does Joe Lieberman have an ass like Sara Palin?!
Also, Lieberfuck chose to abort his Palestinian child.
Jobbotch:
Nice photo, it’s only missing the clear high heels.
Somewhere Katherine Harris is seething over what might have been.
SuperRounder: Mittens would take it. He’s such a desperate loser.
NoWireHangers: I couldn’t agree more. If he ditches Palin then the dems are free to attack his decision making abilities full force. If he keeps her on, we have to be polite and respectful of her redneck family, but she’ll still be there reminding everyone that McCain is dangerously insane and can’t even pick a moderately competent successor. I still think Palin will step down on her own accord later this week but that’s no consolation to a campaign that has virtually imploded in 4 days! They’ll never be able to rebuild.
ManchuCandidate: Caribou Barbie has experience with the beauty pageants… experience losing.
WhatTheHeck: Meanwhile, Alan Keyes is waiting by the phone.
Larry Fine: More like the comet’s heading directly towards Earth, and the only Justice Leaguers in the Watchtower are Green Arrow and Aquaman.
Scarab: This really would leave him with only one choice: George W. Bush.
NoWireHangers: …Palin has to make to the Debate with Joe Biden! I already worked out the rules for the drinking game!!!
…during the Vice Presidential debate, everytime Sara Palin says the following phrases take a drink:
-”U.S. Americans”
-”Such as South Africa and the Iraq”
-”Everywhere like such as”
-”Build up our future for us”
You folks misunderestimate Sarah Palin, and do so at your own peril.
Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.
TheRealJimbo: Yeah & maybe they could put some of those disco balls on it where the reflecting light burns all retinas.
And if McCain does a VP II sequel, he’ll have to go all the way with white man boring. Actually, why doesn’t he nominate his prick spokesman Tucker Bounds–he’d be more qualified than Mother Sarah. And we’d the added benefit of seeing Campbell Brown taking his ass to the woodshed!
This whole static background thing is great. Reminds me of the interwebs circa 1997. Not enough “Under Construction” animated gifs, though.
Why is no one crediting Wonkette with the national fame of Governor Gidget. This was the only site that had even heard of her outside of her native Arctic. Vice-kingmaking at its finest. Too bad Holy Joe and the rest of the Nutmeg State got snubbed though–
vpilf! just say it out loud a few times, its a little awkward, but it feels good. kinda like yer mom!
Oh, he’s still going to be his VP. Just as soon as Sarah Miers steps off the ticket, even Lieberman will seem palatable to the GOP.
AngryBlakGuy:
Also, you have to drink for every reference to:
- sled dogs
- PTA meetings
- retarded children
- Levi Johnston’s Father of the Year award
NoWireHangers: I’m with you on McCain sticking with Palin. In addition, nobody wants the job anymore, which means if he picks a second choice, he’ll have to scrape deeper into the barrel.
Also, I’d like to say that I’m thrilled that our Wonkette is up to its ass in advertising, and hope the regular peanut gallery quits their bitching soon enough. I will, however, have a moment of silence for our lost Unisex Pinpoint Oxford Shirt girl, who seems to have passed unnoticed from these pages.
Am I the only one who thinks Sarah Palin looks like that neighbor woman from “Married with Children” in that 80’s glamour head shot thats floating around?
And here I was thinking that Mittens would be the comedy gold choice. Fucking Walnuts! has pure comedic genius.
J.Lie is still trying to persuade the GOP base
http://picasaweb.google.com/sanducerico/UntitledAlbum05/photo?authkey=P9I7s3lOxKk#5241432487481370434
…the human bolt of electricity that is Joe Lieberman will bring a spark to WALNUTS! lethargic campaign!!!
They will make the best Irish/Jewish duo since Stiller & Meara.
SwanSwanH: HEY! That is NOT fair!! The Sarahcuda has plenty of experience… like in national security. She’s, like, totally right next to Russia. And she totally runs the Alaska National Guard, which she’s totally in charge of if there’s an emergency in Alaska. So she’s got more experience than, well, anybody!
EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS, SWAN!!
As a sidenote, can we give Campbell Brown her own talking head show? That’s the hardest ball anybody’s ever played at CNN since Jon Stewart killed Crossfire.
regisgoat: What is even more surprising is that NPR is reporting that McCain used The Google to vet Palin and STILL didn’t stumble upon this place.
SayItWithWookies: And Slim Slack Chick. Man, do I miss her.
dave666: Holy shit.
AngryBlakGuy: With a Leiberman VP pick you can have a whole new drinking game.
Take a drink everytime any one of these things are mentioned:
1. National Security.
2. BiPartisanism (what Joe calls his special brand of turn-coat bullshit)
3. 100 year war.
4. The Military.
And, as a bonus if Leiberman mentions his Jewish faith even once in passing, you get to chug a whole bottle of Thunderbird as fast as you can. PLEASE NOTE: Casual mentions of his wife Hadassa do not count as a Jewish reference.
Lieberman is despised by party regulars on both sides of the aisle and most sentient independents. This speech tonight is his swan song. Next year, Dems won’t need him and Republicans won’t embrace him, surmising he only switched teams ’cause he lost his power. I’m not a hopey lover but the thought of this vainglorious cock as our Sec. of State is reason enough to vote Dem.
SayItWithWookies: It’ll be Huckabee. If Palin takes a dump on this one, it’ll be Huckabee. He’s shameless, has no pride at all, nothing else to do except eat Taco Bell, and he hasn’t even been vetted (a plus for the McCain people).
And Ron Paul stayed flat.
Joe Lieberman is the Tevye of politicians - there is not an ideal or principle he won’t sell out so long as Jewish tradition and interests are protected.
Scarab:
Good point. Also, Vinegar Joe is much more powerful in Congress than he’d be as VP. He’ll be in a better position to represent his constituency, the people of Connecticut, too.
From the National Enquirer (don’t yell at me, I just visited their site this one time for this):
“The ENQUIRER has also learned that Palin’s family is embroiled in a vicious war that is now exposing her darkest secrets, threatening to destroy her political career. Palin’s ongoing war with her ex brother-in-law Mike Wooten, a state trooper, has caused multiple sources to come forward with shocking allegations about the governor. Details of those allegations, the family feud, and Palin’s attempt to cover up her teen daughter’s pregnancy are in the new issue of The ENQUIRER.”
I cannot wait. (Although now I guess I have to go to the grocery store at midnight. With a bag on my head. To … you know … to buy the … whatever, you can figure it out.)
Sarah, please don’t go. My hope is she’ll use her convention speech to reinforce her traditional family values and give her wayward daughter a public bare ass spanking.
“Sarah” by Jefferson Starship:
Go now,
Dont look back we’ve drawn the line,
Move on,
Its no good to go back in time,
I’ll never find another girl like you,
For happy endings it takes two,
With fire and ice,
A dream won’t come true
Sarah, Sarah,
Storms are brewing in your eyes,
Sarah,Sarah,
No time is a good time for goodbye
I for one am just as glad that I don’t have to spend the next two months seeing McCain looking at Lieberman’s ass and fiddling with his ring finger.
I have to wear sunglasses to read this. Even the guy in the ad is covering his eyes.
The pic is like G-rated version of Lemonparty.net.
greatgooglymoogly: Trudging across the tundra… mile after mile… trudging across the tundra… right down to the parish of St Alphonso…
“Palin had no strong advocates in the group, an outside adviser said, but she had no detractors, either.”
There’s a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one…
Oh, I just figured it out: Todd Palin gave his kid that extra middle name, “Van,” because his last name rhymes with Van Halen.
Trig Van Palin. Get it?
Who you callin’ “fuckin’ redneck?”
Does anyone else have a strange, uncontrollable urge to see “Choke”? I can’t explain why, but I really want to see it.
obfuscator: Everyone was pretty much apathetic about her, which is always better than outright hatred.
SwanSwanH: Caribou Barbie. That’s also a good one. If Palin stays we still win. We could spend our days thinking of clever, horrible puns for her.
You know, the more I think about it, there was no suitable VP for WALNUTS! to pick. He just should have gone with the reanimated corpse of teh Gipper.
Palingate #165: Daily Kos is reporting Mayor Sarah tried to fire a librarian who wouldn’t ban books that Palin found offensive.
was this choice all to steal the thunder of the dems? oh i think this might be rove’s best plan ever!
ReelectTilden: Even worse: Cheney.
Man they might just stick with her because she is just a fat target for personal attacks … their daring Obama to fight dirty so they can play gotcha with their responses.
-0 federal experience (say he has no executive (Neither does McCain though))
-family is a anti-poster child on why abstinence education fails (sex best form of entertainment in rural nowhere location) but if Obama attacks this they will go after him saying he disapproves of his dead mom.
-McCain’s Beauty queen addiction with his first wife, second wife and VP (now Obama is attacking on celebrity)
-Alaska Independence Party (Obama’s ex-pastor / ex-church)
I wish I could share the solution removing to the horrible background ad with all of you, but I do not want to displease our Wonkette overlords.
If we all agree to go see the movie, will you get rid of it?
If we were still on gawker, you could pay a lifehacker nerd to do it.
HopeNutz:
Worse than Cheney? Tom DeLay.
tunamelt:
“I want my friend Joey to be Vice President when we nuke Iranistan! We’ve been workshopping pithy one-liners and 60’s pop song parodies or months now!”
“But Senator, you know that the Agents of Intolerance aren’t havin’ it!”
“Awwwwww, shucks!”
It’s nice to know that the Straight Talking Maverick of Independence & Straight Talking that America fell in love with in 2000 is still alive & kickin’!
Seriously, this decision makes McCain look like a cynical punk bitch hack politician of the hightest order.
NoWireHangers: “Mittens would take it. He’s such a desperate loser.”
Your right. He’s also got no other options. He’s washed up in Massachusetts so he’s not going to run for Senate so he’s got no power base to operate from. Even if he loses as McCain’s VP, he will still be able to mount a campaign in 2012 based on the idea that they could have won but no one would listen to him.
Walter Sobchak:
Simply pull in your view horizontally. A little pink is still there
but it’s much more tolerable.
NoWireHangers: how many times do i have to tell you: ALAN KEYES IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!!! HE DON’T NEED NO VP POSITION!!! sheesh!
http://www.alankeyes.com/
Would it be wrong to ask God for a wardrobe malfunction on Wednesday night?
AngryBlakGuy: Damn you! Now I have “Old Man Ass” visuals!
NoWireHangers: Can’t claim it… merely endorsing it as her Official Wonkette Nickname (TM).
I also can’t take credit for future (shotgun) son-in-law Levi Johnston’s moniker, “Fuckin’ Redneck,” which is the one I really wish I’d thought of.
Cape Clod: This is all a part of God’s plan to elect Romney.
SpecialHorse:
Chuck Pahlaniuk connection + scantily-clad hotties = Good stuff.
Repulsicants paid for this ad, right? Cos they are choking BIG TIME. If Walnuts gets Liebs, Repub image consultants can keep this pepto dismal ad.
SURGE, SURGE, SURGE. DRILL, DRILL, DRILL. Soon it will be PALIN, PALIN, PALIN. Dude is sticking with her.
spencer: Walnuts! is “Scots-Irish” I believe…fortunately we Irish don’t take the full blame for this one…
Scarab: If the republicans can pray for rain, surely we can pray for nipples.
spencer: thanks a LOT! that fucking godaweful song is gonna be in my head for the rest of the day!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
From Forbes magazine:
The online prediction market Intrade sees an 12 percent chance Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will be withdrawn as the Republican vice presidential nominee before the U.S. presidential election on Nov. 4.
12 percent already? What will it be by the end of the week?
SayItWithWookies:
The Unisex Pinpoint Oxford Shirt girl may have decided that the thrill of having so many eyeballs watch her have unisex with herself was no longer enough. She is seeking a threesome with an teenage unwed mother and a caribou.
Exactly right regarding ads. A movie distributor spending top dollar (or at least some dollars) on a big-ass ad is good news for Wonkette and all their minions.
How bout this for a possible curveball…VP Nom Dr. Saint Ron Paul…get it…St. Paul…in St. Paul!!!!
Way down in the comments of this article is a long post from a concerned citizen of Wasilla who has known Sarah for years. She basically rips her a new one with buckets of fresh dirt and accusations. No way did any vetters go up there and talk to the locals.
http://www.washingtonindependent.com/3671/the-reform-candidate
Barring a disclosure revealing something outright criminal or lurid, she ain’t going anywhere. That would mean that McCain biffed when he had to make the most important decision of his presidential campaign. Bloodsprite is right. Outside of the Daily Kos echo chamber, she’s playing fine with the great unwashed masses.
ForTheTurnstiles: Huckabee was also Commander in Chief of the Arkansas National Guard, which would so kick the ass of those nosepickers in Alaska.
Ross Perot is still available. McCain and Perot could become the Cranky Old Men ticket.
No one is asking the all important question here.
What does Ron Paul think?
Delicious: She just lawyered up in regards to the Troopergate thing, so maybe…
Um, hi, your website looks like shit with that Choke ad all over it…
The National Enquirer is making you MSM reporters look like a bunch of pussies!
“The ENQUIRER has also learned that Palin’s family is embroiled in a vicious war that is now exposing her darkest secrets, threatening to destroy her political career.
Palin’s ongoing war with her ex brother-in-law Mike Wooten, a state trooper, has caused multiple sources to come forward with shocking allegations about the governor.
Details of those allegations, the family feud, and Palin’s attempt to cover up her teen daughter’s pregnancy are in the new issue of The ENQUIRER.”
obfuscator:
The “nobody in favor, nobody against” was less than half the group of advisors. The rest of them were in the “who the hell is Sarah Palin” camp.
Monsieur Grumpe: Yeah, I actually wrote a script that removes it and replaces it with the tan color. But you have to geek out a little to get it installed, and I don’t want to anger the gods by describing the process. I hope for everyone else’s sake it goes away soon, it looks like Bristol Palin’s myspace had a fight with her placenta in here.
Well, even if she were to drop out, we can still take comfort in her directing the defense of Alaska against the Ruskies.