Greetings From The Empty, Terrible Republican Convention-a-thon

  dispatches from the fiery stomach of hell

Here’s the deal: we’re all voting for John McCain on November whateverth. Some hurricane somewhere is completely foiling this convention’s plans, and yet the show here is shockingly better managed, more efficient and less stressful than the Denver thing. Probably because no one else is here, at all. Heh. Here are some more pictures from Convention Monday which just ended FOR CHRIST’S SAKE like 20 minutes ago, around 5:15 “local” time.

Here is drug-addled reality denier Cindy McCain talkin’ up the hurricanes with your “first lady,” Bush.

Lower left corner: the Republican National Convention. Upper right corner: Wonkette’s seats. WE’RE VOTING FOR BARR.

The Texas delegation does a comical impersonation of the Texas delegation.

Why aren’t these broads down in the Gulf Coast, anyway? Racists. Sexists.

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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145 comments

  1. El Bombastico

    How ’bout some pictures of the rioting, tear-gassing and truncheon-beatings! If Matt Taibbi can get in the middle of it, so can you.

  2. WagTehGod

    Good thing they’re done before 6 p.m. Now the old bitturs can get the early bird special at the local Hungry Hunter and get to bed before 9 p.m., just like every day.

  3. Vanity Smurf

    That gloss black stage with blue light special steps is totally game show. Having a huge field of black is gonna look great on teevee too!

  4. itgetter

    [re=78186]BigDupa[/re]: “Griff vs. The Paultards” will be the legendary sequel to “Fuck Fox News”

  5. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    Did you hear what that dude said about his daughter on CNN? After the addict? He said his daughter also “came up pregnant”. Hilarious. Also abstinence training works til “life happens”…

    People this is a private family matter and the repubs ask that you only mention it in the stead of asking any tough trooper type stuff.

  6. BillyT

    Cindy borrowed Cruella DeVille’s best overcoat. I hope she dyes it back to black before returning. Cruella doesn’t look good in camel-shit gold. Nobody looks good in camel-shit gold except Prince.

  7. WadISay

    Add a dry ice fog machine and a mirror ball and that stage has a disco thing going for it.

    [re=78187]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: I ask you, does this look like the picture of a woman who would pose nude?

  8. liquiddaddy

    I want some f-in’ photos of bra-less hirsute hippie chicks with flaming molotov cocktails. We can see this many Republican stiffs every Sunday at local Houston mega-churches.

  9. The 3-Legged Man

    we interrupt this rockin’ party to bring you this Most Qualified Super Kegel-enabled Candidate update:

    From the Anchorage Daily News:
    “Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin — Republican John McCain’s pick for vice president — now has a private lawyer representing her and others in the governor’s office in an investigation into the firing of her public safety commissioner.”

    http://www.adn.com/palin/story/512842.html

    Is that panic sweat I smell, or just some of that good ol’ downhome Wasilla cookin’?

    In other news, not a single new pregnancy in the barely-legal part of the clan of the Wasillie Hillbillies today.

    Resume the wake…er…convention. Let’s get this joint Crimbo’d up!

  10. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Why was CindyLou wearing Hillz Orange? And someone please tell her that the popped collar won’t get her the frat boy vote; only Palin’s slutty daughters can do that.

  11. The 3-Legged Man

    Did they hire the Beijing Olympic organizers to insert digital attendees? Very realistic…. I could barely see the strings when the Cindy puppet did her Flashdance routine.

  12. The 3-Legged Man

    Most disgusting (and effective) pickup line at Republican parties this week: “Are you excited to see me or is that amniotic fluid running down your leg?”

    I mean, really!

  13. The 3-Legged Man

    If that floor was just a weeeee bit shinier we’d get some awesome up-skirt shots of Cindy and (fingers crossed) the post-amniotic nether regions of a certain Temporary Veep Candidate. (*Knees shakin’ at the thought*)

  14. loquaciousmusic

    That looks like a load of Minnesota fun.

    Why not pick up Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare and drive to Brainerd?

  15. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    [re=78202]WadISay[/re]: Mr. WadIsay, Is the woman in my earlier post (Sarah Palin) someone who would pose nude? You mean for an amateur photographer? No, absolutely not. She’s America’s Mom. And soon, America’s Grandmom.

  16. Vanity Smurf

    Just noticed Charlie Crist (soon to have his own sort of shotgun wedding but not the gay kind) is scheduled to speak Thursday night. What if Palin withdraws, Romney and Pawlenty say, “fuck you, McLame, I’m not going down in flames,” and Charlie gets the nod because Karl still won’t let him have Holy Joe?

    If the trollope doesn’t work out, try teh gay.

  17. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Should the McCain/Palin ticket fail, I see a new spokesperson for Viagra and a new spokesperson for Pampers in the making. Not sure who gets which product to pitch, but you better believe Madison Avenue is making plans now.

  18. Obaminator

    You know darn well that before the end of the RNC, Bush will secretly fly into Saint Paul (just like he does into Baghdad) and give a big heroic speech with the banner “Gustav Accomplished” behind him.

  19. Not_So_Much

    My eyes! They burn!!!

    Man, all that friggin’ red makes it look like the seventh ring of Hell.

    Oh, Texas, you are just darling sometimes! Except when you’re voting.

  20. stew

    The National Enquirer has a huge posse in Alaska digging up new morsels. Someone needs to get the movie rights.

  21. The 3-Legged Man

    The secret is out: Right after McCain gives his rousing acceptance speech, the six symbolic pall bearers will come in and carry his chances off stage in a tiny, baby-sized coffin.

  22. TexasCowGirl

    [re=78226]Vanity Smurf[/re]: No unexpected pregnancies with Gay Old Charlie! His beard is too old and boys can’t have babies.

  23. The 3-Legged Man

    [re=78247]stew[/re]: I saw the video of them. They’re so obvious, riding around on European motor scooters, wearing fedoras with cardboard “Press” things in the hat bands, trying to get photos of “nip slips” and rummaging through the dumpsters of all the abortion clinics in Wasilla. Good luck. Commandant Palin has the National Guard on Orange Alert with a curfew for all girls under 18.

  24. Vanity Smurf

    [re=78242]Not_So_Much[/re]: They’re just waiting for Christine Baranski to come on stage and say, “Cater waiters, take the floor!”

    [re=78253]TexasCowGirl[/re]: Yup, yup, your ass can’t get preggers and neither can your mouth. Too bad they don’t teach that in abstinence only sex ed.

  25. Jingo

    Serves them right. The RNC tried to step all over Jerry’s Kids and the MDA telethon. Why do Republicans hate children in wheelchairs?

  26. SayItWithWookies

    It’s over already? Hell, I fell asleep ’cause of the boredom, and had an interesting dream that my car wouldn’t start. Jealous?

  27. DC Spring

    [re=78245]RobertoElGrande[/re]: GDGNGDGDNDNNNNNNN. Sound of first amendment entering shredder. salon.com has been on this for days. If Newell and co are finding the RNC BORING, they might like to reflect on where the perky dissent has gone.

  28. TexasCowGirl

    [re=78258]Vanity Smurf[/re]: They already know. I can’t tell you how may kids though taking it up the ass or down the throat meant they were still virgins in high school. Maybe Sarah’s daughter though it was “gay” to do that stuff.

  29. CthuNHu

    That stage makes me want to go play Tron.

    I just hope Laura’s lightcycle doesn’t crash into Cindy.

  30. echoman2000

    here in mexico, cnn en espanol shows the empty hall. over and over. they’re still there. LIVE. it’s really putting out a message. only the absolute nut jobs are around. their talking points have gone threw the shredder and none of them are even remotely on the same page.

    this is the biggest mess to ever take place on a world level. what a fucking joke we’ve made out of this country. truly truly sad.

  31. loquaciousmusic

    [re=78245]RobertoElGrande[/re]: But those Minnesota cops are so charming while they’re violating that pretty lady’s Constitutional rights!

    Sara K. Smith, don’t YOU go gettin’ arrested!

  32. J-Man

    Was Cindy lip-syncing to the less attractive first wife behind the curtains?

    By the way, my local (So. Calif.) NPR station was broadcasting from St. Paul this afternoon, and wdid they have as one of their guests but Minnesota congressperson/babyfarmer/presidential groupie Michelle Bachmann! I had to turn it off because I was starting to feel like I might hurl. Did anyone else catch her? I’d love to hear her take on Jamie Lynn Palin’s story …

  33. Rush

    “yawwwwn”,, oh sorry,

    on the agenda, they have added the following

    8:00 – 8:01 – prayer service for the poor negro’s in New Orleans

  34. cal

    [re=78216]Vanity Smurf[/re]: “Caribou Barbie” is a winner.

    Even better than “Gidget Goes to Washington”

    I want to see Caribou Barbie in her Alaskan Secessionist Dreamhome…

  35. echoman2000

    Bristol was rapped by Ted Stevens. Keeping it all in the family.

    but let’s give them some privacy in their time of WORST FAMILY EVER.

  36. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    [re=78166]kellygrrrl[/re]: Amber alert; a 17-year old in Alaska is missing her baby. Father skipped town. Mom is after him with a shotgun and the Alaska National Guard (three left, the rest are in Irak.)

  37. dave666

    In related news, The Onion website has ceased operations………………seems they can’t compete with reality.

  38. Vanity Smurf

    [re=78276]cal[/re]: DUI Snowmobile Ken sold separately.

    That secessionist Alaska Independence Party thing is some sweet fruit. Looks like Caribou Barbie spoke to their convention this year and was a party member before she decided to run for mayor of Northern Exposure. I’m hoping that like most treasonous, ahem, secessionist movements they are knee deep in the white supremacists. Has she ever worn a confederate flag pin? Why does Sarah Palin hate America?

  39. RobertoElGrande

    [re=78265]DC Spring[/re]: I picked it up from the protester “Comms Infrastructure” which is an AWESOME way to refer to a bunch of Twitter groups. http://www.tincancollective.org/tincan_plugin.html

    Unfortunately Minneapolis has the worst street layout. There are like six 7th Streets so I couldn’t figure out where anything was happening. But there is a LOT more action than we had in Denver.

    So while the convention looks like a bust until McCain battles Sark on Thursday, the street action and Paultardapalooza should give our intrepid hosts plenty of material. Hopefully it won’t interfere with the heavy drinking and random hookups that are the true backbone of political coverage.

  40. cal

    [re=78284]Vanity Smurf[/re]: [re=78284]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Snowmobile Ken LOL

    Why DOES Sarah Palin hate America? Enquiring minds want to know.

    The AIP motto apparently is “Alaska First.” Methinks that’s a little problem for John “Country First” McCain…..

  41. wallythepug

    I suppose it didn’t occur to Cindy McCain to just go to Ann Taylor and buy a few simple dresses. I predict tomorrow she will be wearing a tiara and baby seal coat.

  42. El Bombastico

    [re=78284]Vanity Smurf[/re]: It looks like Ambinder asked the McCain camp for a response on the AIP, and got a “no comment.” Which leads me to believe they knew nothing about it. That is, their vice presidential candidate may have been a member of a quasi-SECESSIONIST group. And they didn’t know. What. The. Fuck.

  43. DC Spring

    [re=78272]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Crrk, phisshssttt, crckle, Read ya, standing by for blog swarm if Wonkette Executive Branch get on the wrong side of partisan application of the law.

    Otherwise, platinum.

    [re=78226]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Caribou Barbie. Win!

    Time to spec up on ol timey Pixies songs for maximum obscure culcha reference. Caribooooooooooo. CAribooooooo,ooo, oo,ooooo. OMFG, I’ve just discovered a alpha form of music notation!

    Platinum!

  44. Vanity Smurf

    [re=78291]El Bombastico[/re]: This is better than the baby flaps. It’s been a couple of hours since this one broke so we’re about due for the next Palin scandal. They just keep getting more absurd, it’s impossible to even imagine what could be next.

  45. El Bombastico

    [re=78297]Vanity Smurf[/re]: When is she scheduled to accept? She’ll be Miers’ed out of there by Wednesday morning. Or is it “Kerik-ed” out of there?

  46. Vanity Smurf

    [re=78299]El Bombastico[/re]: I think Wednesday. Charlie Jesus Crist and his lovely beard better get on a plane to Minnie quick. He’s their only hope to woo the fundies by tricking them into thinking they are voting for the Lord. McCain/Christ, er, McCain/Crist — see how easy it is to make that mistake even when you’re literate.

  47. WonkaBee

    [re=78299]El Bombastico[/re]: sorry if this is repetitive, but y’all are misreading the response to this (I guess there are two America’s and John Edwards baby girl will bring them together after she is glorified, transfigured, beatified, anointed, and descended upon by doves – but we gotta wait at least 25 years for that, I think) but where was I? OH! This is definitely going to become circle-the-wagons time for the Evangelicals:

    http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/436448.aspx

    If Palin isn’t in there for the long haul the Repubs are doomed to a huge split.

  48. loquaciousmusic

    [re=78301]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s too bad. I was kind of hoping that Bristol’s boyfriend was 12 years old and in the seventh grade. Because that would make her a true Republican, wouldn’t it? Hooking up with adolescent boys and all that?

  49. Delicious

    [re=78301]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I love the Interwebs. Thanks!

    Congrats, proud baby daddy Levi Benning!

    And I hated James Carville before I liked him. He’s ripping Palin on Larry King and holding a photo of the Wasilla city hall and comparing it to a bait shop in southern Louisiana.

  50. loquaciousmusic

    [re=78301]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Also, I’m kind of disappointed the father’s name isn’t “Levon.”

  51. El Bombastico

    [re=78306]WonkaBee[/re]: Yeah, if it was just the baby, I’d agree with you. The bastard Palin isn’t such a big deal. This Alaskan Independence Party will be. Even the Republicans can’t put up someone who had ties to a secessionist group. I’m willing to believe those hypocritical bastards would rationalize anything, but this might be beyond the pale. The MSM can’t ask about the baby even though they are itching to, but they can sure as shit ask about past political affiliations, and they sure as shit will talk about nothing else every time Palin appears in public. Even Rev. Wright didn’t advocate actually SECEDING!

  52. Delicious

    Whoa. If Obama is the Anti-Christ, then Bristol’s unborn baby may be…It’s all falling into place!

  53. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    [re=78294]Delicious[/re]: I did Levi too. He’s hot but cums too soon. Obvs.

    Gustav is just a ruse. The party elders are huddled in smoke-filled rooms not out of concern for the victims, but to figure out what to do with Nanookie. Throw her under a bus, send her back to Alaska on a bobsled or toss her over the levee? Nothing to see here. All will be back on schedule tomorrow.

  54. loquaciousmusic

    Oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be the same Levi Benning!

    http://www.spiritofyouth.org/award_lists/soy_nominees.asp?CategoryID=36

    Also, if you use your “Find” command on this page, you’ll discover that Levi goes to Montana State…

    http://newsminer.com/news/2008/apr/17/ortega-has-big-dreams-vancouver/

    …which is in Bozeman, right? So that means that this is him?

    http://www.facebook.com/people/Levi_Benning/1258686414

    Which means that WE’RE INVITING HIM TO OUR FACEBOOK GROUP?!?!??!???!?!

  55. Vanity Smurf

    I was kinda hoping we might go all Maury Povich Show on the baby daddy question and need a paternity test.

  56. azw88

    [re=78322]El Bombastico[/re]: That would be funny, in a sad sort of way. One thing that goes unmentioned on that show is the abuse of drugs on the ships. Those guys hit the speed/meth/uppers pretty hard.

  57. Delicious

    He’s a superhunky bad-boy ice hockey player from cold country; she’s a chestnut-haired beauty and popular high school senior.

    Yowzaa!

  58. loquaciousmusic

    Damn! My whole post that didn’t post was just a tabloid rumor!

    And I can’t find any “ruggedly handsome” Levi Johnstons on Facebook to join our Wonkette group! So disappointing. I might cry.

  59. Delicious

    The New York Daily News strikes a blow for serious journalism and Democracy, Justice and the American Way!

  60. DC Spring

    [re=78301]SayItWithWookies[/re]: OMG they name names?! Where are their lawyers??? But plaudits! They’re almost as snarky as wonketteers. Time to energize the base, people. You have reps to uphold.

    badco/LoJ: you are hereby forgiven and we’ve canned the ethics investigation on yr own recognizance. God damned dirty human forms. Need not be so dirty, in fact if you wash certain parts thoroughly it, um, well y’know.

    SIWW: win! Another one in flames, like we didn’t have Georgia and Pakistan last week and even Colon’s friendy friendy friendy but kinda commie militant non-ally Noo Zealand is having fkups. Uhhhh brainhurt. All we need now is Britonia to go soft. And the kangaroo team. Ahhhh fk, they’re in trouble too.

    There has GOT to be a Wave of Mutilation meme out there somewhere. To your meme transponders wonketteers…

    Why does Condi hate America so much?

  61. loquaciousmusic

    [re=78338]DC Spring[/re]: There was a guy
    A ruggedly handsome guy who couldn’t control his semen
    He got a girl pregnant who had never been to New York or New Jersey

    Her momma’s gone to WALNUTS!
    Her momma’s gone to WALNUTS!
    Her momma’s gone to WALNUTS!
    Her momma’s gone to WALNUTS!

    Rock me, Mitt!

  62. Delicious

    Besides his hard play on the ice, Levi Johnston was also a bit of hell-raiser off it – another reason Bristol may have been smitten.

    State troopers popped Johnston last year for snagging some King salmon out of season in Moose Lake, records from Alaska wildlife enforcement show. He had to pay $370 bail.

    Swoon.

  63. azw88

    [re=78220]The 3-Legged Man[/re]:

    Hmmmm.. interesting thought.. we could take bets whether she is shaved… I know, I ‘ma sick fuck for asking, but….. I’d like to know.

    (I bet Larry Flint is putting together an offer for any nudie pics of the Vee-PILF as I type…

  64. loquaciousmusic

    [re=78334]Delicious[/re]: Also, I can’t see it in the picture, but I wonder if he wears her “Promise Ring” on a chain around his neck when he plays home games…you know, for good luck.

  65. SayItWithWookies

    [re=78306]WonkaBee[/re]: It’s weird (well, not weird, just manipulative) that CBN’s completely harping on the choice angle. Like pro-choicers think everyone should get an abortion? (Okay, in my case, it’s just a recommendation, but still — “choice” is the operative word here).
    No, we’re harping on it because it’s a stellar example of how poorly abstinence education (sic) succeeds at preventing teen pregnancy. Of course the first public official who mentions that (see Cheney’s gay daughter in Cheney/Edwards debate) will be villified.

  66. Delicious

    He said Bristol inexplicably transferred to an Anchorage high school midyear, leaving Levi behind.

    The Capulets and the Montagues!

    It’s end in tears.

  67. Delicious

    [re=78350]loquaciousmusic[/re]: You mean a Promise Ring?

    which went out the window with some sweaty ass slapping.

  68. DC Spring

    Ok so : http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republican_race/2008/09/01/2008-09-01_bristol_palins_pregnancy_was_an_open_sec.html

    …just happens to mention key words from Juan’s original press release: “knock down”, as in scurrilous libtard bloggers, and misc other hellspawnies. Don’t quibble on the definition, we’re wasting valuable time.

    Umm, how to say thees, ooh ahhh looks “coordinated”?

    Ok if it wuz the New Yorker we’d be fooling around with the little dots over the second “o” but you get what I mean, surely. ?

  69. SayItWithWookies

    [re=78329]Delicious[/re]: You know what else is getting bigger? Wasilla. In a week it’s gone from 6,000 to (according to that article, 9,780.

  70. Tha Reidster

    Hey now. Didn’t Cindy have a bright pink cast on her arm yesterday? Wha happened? Also wonkateers: when in Minneapolis, visit The Sea Salt Eatery in Minnehaha Park. http://www.seasalteatery.com/

    Great beer and wine and really awesome seafood. Cheers and enjoy.

  71. El Bombastico

    [re=78373]Bathroom Goblin[/re]: Ironically the Snorg girl is more qualified to be VP. Her thoughts on single-payer healthcare are particularly insightful.

  72. irisheyes

    [re=78373]Bathroom Goblin[/re]: Very chic. Losing the pageant hair might not sit well with the fundies, though. Unwed pregnancy, ethics investigations, DUI’s, secessionist activities- all okey dokey. But don’t change that banging hair!

  73. Strappo

    [re=78271]echoman2000[/re]: Of course, we are sad. We’ve always been. Bush has been the Great Teacher. No Moron Left Behind. Not even Sarah Palin.

  74. Bathroom Goblin

    [re=78377]irisheyes[/re]: If the Prom Hair was good enough for the Founding Fathers it was good enough for Sarah Palin.

  75. Delicious

    And what’s up with those glasses? She looks ready for some paint ball.

    Cindy? Pop some Vikes and get down with the sickness.

  76. Joey Ratz

    [re=78301]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Huh. I was sorta hoping he’d be some 36-year old with a moustache and a mullet whom Bristol hooked up with once or twice because he could totally score some pot for some parties. Oh well.

  77. SayItWithWookies

    [re=78376]El Bombastico[/re]: I heart lamp is a major plank of the Alaska Independence Party, no less.

  78. Delicious

    [re=78381]Bathroom Goblin[/re]: Wasn’t that the whole premise of the “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” movies?

  79. Texas2Step

    Hmmm…. Hurricane at the begining of the Republican convention and another one towards the end. Three huricanes today plus another tropical depression. Is MN on a Hellmouth?

  80. Delicious

    [re=78400]Texas2Step[/re]: Three Hurricanes in the French Quarter and I’m ready to do a tranny desperate for cab fare.

  81. DC Spring

    [re=78354]Delicious[/re]: Bristol moved mid-year? And was impregnateded when? Crap, can someone with graphics skills do up a timeline on this? Is she part elephant in gestational terms?

    BTW plaudits! to the Palin decision flowchart renditioner. Oop, fk, ARTIST. We don’t talk about the r word round here huh?

    My Aussie friends (no, it really does happen, c’mon stop that shit, fkn snarks you can’t help yourselves) (big love for previous) are saying Caribou Barbie has a WAAY different resonant definition. Like on a spit, over coals, hide and hair singeing nicely, roast for a minimum of 8 hours. That’s just once the fire starts.

  82. dingleberries

    [re=78216]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Do you think Caribou Barbie could be her Secret Service name? That’d be cool.

  83. DC Spring

    [re=78340]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Jus notin’, WIN! I sang this through and cleared my entire yard of squirrels.

    Hat tip, sir.

  84. DC Spring

    [re=78389]Strappo[/re]: Damn. PLATINUM. Warning: DO NOT HAVE FULL BLADDER READING THIS SHIT. Put the beer down, have a moment, breathe in and out a bit and shut the damned doors.

    Win!

  85. villageatrois

    Editor please note: Laura Bush was not my first lady. Where she ranked in my peckering order is not distinct, but certainly not in the first couple dozens. If she had been more memorable, I could be more clear.

    [re=78303]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Thailand martial law: Mc 5.5 can’t do that with Thailand. We’re all Georgians now. Didn’t you get the memo?

  86. The 3-Legged Man

    The secret service guys are already calling McCain “Flatus”…. because he’s old… and… er…..

  87. sanantonerose

    Texas delegation! Y’all all have a HUGE letter L on your foreheads. Jesus Christ, people. Dress like adults ferchrissake.

  88. Jukesgrrl

    [re=78187]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: Jeebus! I can see how that would cause a hare-brained pilot from the bottom of his graduating class to crash a gubmint fighter plane. Maybe they ARE soulmates.

  89. Poindextrous

    Is that floor so mirrored that it is a bad idea for these ladies to wear skirts?? Just wondering…

  90. tocute2btrue

    Have you people took a good look at Sarah Palin, DAM she is hot I would trade Michelle and both my brats for a pic of her naked!

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