Laura Bush Talks A Bit, And Cindy McCain Says Hi, The End

  the saddest thing

OH SHIT IT'S A GIANT RICK PERRY!Live from the Xcel Energy Center! Uh, Laura Bush! She spoke, softly, and a giant video Rick Perry appeared, telling the very sparse crowd that he was going to save the poor people who maybe got flooded. He was standing by an airplane!

Then Cindy showed up and said, honestly, about nine words. A website URL appeared on the video screen. Oh, we forgot, Charlie Crist briefly appeared on the video, on some live feed. Sara glanced back at the screen, briefly, which turned her into Charlie Crist’s fiancee.

And that was it. A guy did a little prayer. And the North Dakota delegate, from the floor, JUST ADJOURNED THE CONVENTION.

This is outrageous. The sparse crowd is already headed down the escalators. Everybody looks … sleepy. No music, no nothing. If you didn’t know you were at a major national political convention, you’d just figure this was a silent auction for the animal shelter or whatever.

But … despite the workaday old sports arena feel of this place, and the glum faces, and the crushing disappointment and boredom, this is already a much better convention in terms of your editors getting around, with ease. We left our hotel about an hour ago, and easily drove to St. Paul, found close-by parking, went through security (no lines anywhere), found the media hall where my buddies at AOL News are based, saw Laura Bush on one of the few-and-far-between video monitors within the convention center, and took a leisurely walk to our press section. Laura was still speaking — and she only spoke for a few minutes.

 
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Is this convention so easy because nobody’s even here and nothing’s going on? Perhaps! But everybody agrees that “the help” is just so much better here in St. Paul. They know things! Ask where, say, a section or row might be located, and they will not only tell you (accurately) where it is, but they’ll helpfully point to the elevator or escalator you need to reach it. This may sound like the normal way things should work, WHICH IS WHY DENVER WAS SUCH HELL.

Oh, New Orleans … jesus. Okay, let’s write about that, in another post.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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34 comments

  1. Dernyul

    You guys forgot to mention Miss Minnesota in a crown singing the national anthem. You see, there is a theme to this convention…beauty queens.

  2. Senator Boomdog

    Hey, shouldn’t these fuckers be taking care of their states, and not addressing a political convention?

    Also, Cindy McCain has apparently raided Carmen Sandiego’s closet.

  3. BigDupa

    I’m sure the delegate are using the extra time to call all their female teenage relatives and check the “pregnant/ not pregnant” status. In the event they get to meet Palin, it would be nice to have something to talk about.

  4. BigDupa

    [re=78159]WagTehGod[/re]: The official color of that outfit was “deep amber” the same color of a nice, beechwood-aged Budwiser…

  5. Senator Boomdog

    [re=78168]BigDupa[/re]: Bud-weis-er: A formerly great American beer until Cindy McCain sold it to the Belgians, because she loves America.

  6. Vanity Smurf

    [re=78159]WagTehGod[/re]: Whatever it was I’m sure it was very expensive. That stepbot has one of the most godawful wardrobes the campaign trail has ever seen. There’s always something just a little bit crazy and wrong with her clothes. I’d really like to know where she’s getting them because it’s certainly not the white wine spritzer dept. at Neiman’s where Laura shops and it’s not JCPenney at the Anchorage Galleria either. Where do things like Barbie pink suits with contrast leather collars come from? I know Michelle calls the wardrobe mistress on Mad Men when she needs a new frock.

  7. Godless Liberal *

    So everyone showed up expecting some sort of political convention and instead were shown a video by a guy named Rick? Figures the GOP would only now be getting on the Rickrolling bandwagon long after everyone else has already hopped off of it.

  8. liquiddaddy

    I thought that was another Back Street Boys reunion photo. And then I realized the guy in front is way to gay for them.

  9. jerryw

    Is Cindy on the phone with her lawyer double checking the pre-nup?
    As Mc’Cain’s life support system, she should be getting ready to pull
    the plug on the geezer by now.

  10. guerilla-nation

    [re=78154]Dernyul[/re]: well, you’re half right. based on the accompanying photo, i’d say the theme is certainly “queens.”

  11. kudzu

    [re=78221]guerilla-nation[/re]: Yo! Lay off Queens, willya? If you’re going to say something bad, say something bad about Brooklyn.

  12. DC Spring

    Does the North Dakota rep not realize how demeaning a position he was put in? Some thanks for hosting the missile siloes. Aka, prime targeteering for crazy foreigns.

  13. 1ofUS

    They ought to have a video of Palin bagging Caribou. Rudolf the Red-nosed Giuliani can play the part of so well, we’ll all go to see that movie, ok?

  14. gliberal

    Is it me or is Cindy McCain looking just a tad pissed off these days? Here’s a babe worth about 100 large and she’s schlepping around with crazy ole Walnuts, getting her paw smooshed, and then he goes and lights up this Caribou Cutie with the prggers daughter and can’t take his eyes off her tatas. Who needs this?

  15. sezme

    [re=78237]slavojzizek[/re]: Well, funny you should ask, because I was wondering the very same thing. So I checked it out, and it appears that he’s the governor of a state in the United States called “Texas”. According to the photograph at Wikipedia, he may also be a wax replica of Warren Beatty. And as a male Republican politician, it goes without saying that he prefers having sex with boys.

  16. schvitzatura

    [re=78257]DC Spring[/re]: Russians? Crazy like a fox, mebee…they are the only country with the firepower still to “slow walk” carpet-ICBM Minot and Grand Forks and environs…

    Trust but verify, beotch!

  17. Borat

    When I was like 10 years old I was in MSP and saw/bought a t-shirt that said “land of 10,000 lakes and a few weirdos”. Man, I laughed like crazy whenever I read that. Have they kept the wierdos in, or out of the closet this convention?

  18. Elvis Lives

    SUPPORT OF POLITICAL EVENTS BY MILITARY PERSONNEL. DOD MAINTAINS A LONG-STANDING POLICY THAT DOD PERSONNEL ACTING IN THEIR OFFICIAL CAPACITY MAY NOT ENGAGE IN ACTIVITIES THAT ASSOCIATE DOD WITH ANY PARTISAN POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OR ELECTION, CANDIDATE, CAUSE, OR ISSUE. CONSISTENT WITH THIS POLICY GUIDANCE, INSTALLATION COMMANDERS WILL DECLINE REQUESTS FOR MILITARY PERSONNEL TO APPEAR IN OR SUPPORT POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OR ELECTION EVENTS. ALL MILITARY PERSONNEL, INCLUDING NATIONAL GUARD AND RESERVE FORCES, ARE PROHIBITED FROM WEARING MILITARY UNIFORMS AT POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OR ELECTION EVENTS.

  19. Texas2Step

    OK – Is it just me, or is the Republican party where they send old white people to die? Trying to find a minority at the convention is like playing “Where’s Waldo?” The brown signs in the audience are the only brown I’ve seen.

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