Wonkette
The RNC, like the DNC, issued a “schwag bag” made of marijuana to each of its esteemed media correspondent reporters during check-in here, in the self-styled “Twin Cities.” The DNC and RNC bags are very similar, which somehow demonstrates everyone’s leave favorite thing: bipartisanship.
From left to right, vaguely:
- A “Go Green… for schools” plastic bag in which one may recycle a cell phone. “Help kids by recycling your cell phone.” No. Children are all little sacks of shit and deserve no recycled cancer phones.
- A single pack of elitist sweetener called “Truvia” pasted to a large chunk of 20-pound paper. Don’t waste it all on one coffee!
- The *best* part: a huge pack of Kraft macaroni & cheese made by well-dressed pachyderm slave boy concubines.
- Post-It Notes, so we can kill ourselves by tiny papercuts when we have to attend that thing, what is it, oh right, the Republican National Convention.
- An AT&T pin of an idiot elephant paddling on a canoe on some river. It seems this is what the elephants “do” in John McCain’s Twin Cities.
- A fake UPS shit truck filled with breath mints and a sack of dicks.
- Two Nature Valley food bars, one flavored “rocky stone” and the other “Buffalo chip.”
- A water bottled for Terry McAuliffe to sneak his vodka in. Why is Terry McAuliffe getting so drunk at the Republican National Convention?
- An umbrella that convention attendees will open as a group tomorrow, at 5 p.m. Then they will say in unison, “Today, We Are All Americans Getting Fucked Over By That German Hurricane, But At Least We Have Umbrellas Unlike Those Poor Blacks.”
- A luggage tag sponsored by oh who gives a rat’s ass.
- A frightening magazine called World Traveler that warns both New Orleans and the Twin Cities that several Republican scum suckers will come to level them with incompetency.
- A FUN MAGAZINE about things to do in the Twin Cities. It features Letters From various politicians and convention workers. The Letter From Norm Coleman, for example, says, “While in the Twin Cities, go to all sorts of fun things that have been canceled because of a big rain storm in Mexico or Spain or whichever is the one in America.”
- A “GOParty Guide,” which includes a “GOParty Card,” which is only good in the seedy bath halls of Bangkok, or the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, if a certain GAY is around.
- Oh sweet, a ton of coupons for the Mall of America. That’s not funny at all, just really cool. Gonna go buy stuff.
- AT&T calling card. We will use this to chop up or cocaine brick. Oh no that’s just flour! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT RIPPED OFF, damn teenagers.
- Plant seeds. Meh, plants aren’t on the Internet, so we will just flush these down the toilet.
- More AT&T tips. Goddamnit. We should just burn the motherfucker down, AT&T that is. BURN. THAT. SHIT. DOWN.
Jesus, that looks boring.
Where’s the travel size GOP branded anal lube? It should have a slogan: “Of course it hurts. You’re getting fucked by an elephant!”
“The Republicans are coming” sez the magazine, as if we didn’t know that any GOP convention is an automatic gaysexfest.
In journalism, we call that a no shit headline.
I think you were supposed to smoke those seeds.
And you’re going to keep these instead of sending them to teh blacks in N.O. who can really use them? Heartless Bastards.
…geez, it really must be tough?! They couldn’t even afford to give you guys a double sided dildo. Well if you are lucky WALNUTS! might have brought a spare, just remember to WASH it before you use it.
The GOP is Kumming & Going
Well, at least it’s equal opportunity as to which major political party is trying to kill you; both gave you evil BPA-infested water bottles.
No Joint Juice? Or did McGramps steal it out of all the bags?
No Depends or Viagra?
Sweet Alyssum - In full bloom emits a sweet aroma. Requires very little attention.
Perfect plant for laissez-faire douchetard GOPers…just like they treated the Republic the last 8 years…
I don’t recognise WALNUTS!’s wingmen on the magazine cover. Is the one on the right the now-mulletless Pawlenty?
…and its all covered with a thin film of astroglide. Ew.
No mooseburger helper?
Sweet alyssum (Latin for ‘cannabis sativa’), Mac n’ Cheese AND two Nature Valley “food” bars? FEMA fucked up and shipped the hurricane Juan Carlos Gustav refugee rations to St. Paul…
…which means Nawlins is receiving shipping containers of RNC delegate packets of condoms, mini bar bottles, the current “Manhunt” catalog, a map of Alaskan Siberia and an assortment of salty, crunchy snacks.
Where’s the bear jerky?
Ooooooh. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Tres classy. Not that Super Value shit.
I hear the GOParty Guide is useful because it details all the local gay bars so the delegates can “avoid” them. The Truvia is likely anthrax and only loyal Republicans were administered Cipro before the convention. The Mall coupons were all for Hot Topic so the delegates could buy sexy leather undies for their hooke… mistres… date… ummm, wives back home. The AT&T calling card works for only one number - a local bail bondsman who knows how to keep quiet about certain indiscretions. And finally, the Macroni and food bars are for the yet-to-be-staged food donation drive that the RNC will put on to pretend they care about hurricane victims.
Oscar Folsom Cleveland: Brilliant.
what, no do-it-yourself root canal kit???
An umbrella that convention attendees will open as a group tomorrow, at 5 p.m. Then they will say in unison, “Today, We Are All Americans Getting Fucked Over By That German Hurricane, But At Least We Have Umbrellas Unlike Those Poor Blacks.”
uhh, I think the proper Republican term is “negro”
RNC regrets the paucity of corporate freebies. They gave every bit of the good stuff to food pantries, saving only the money for themselves, passing on the crappy trinkets which will absolutely delight anyone who is delighted by Mc5.5.
Hey, didn’t you get a copy of the “Toe-Tappin’ Guide to the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport Men’s Rooms”, by Senator Larry Craig like the delegates did?
Macaroni and cheese? Is this some kind of Republican sex thing?
“The Republicans are Coming!!!!” - All Public Restrooms will be closed until further notice.
Mac and cheese? That’s just evil. Figures.
The umbrella is really just for sexual signaling out on the convention floor. Seems that the ol’ hanky code is way too confusing for the typical Republican delegate to keep track of.
Does the guidebook make any reference to nightlife?
If I recall correctly from a horrifying trip to MSP, the best club was called the GAY90s. And yes it was pretty gay - in both the bad and good ways.
They canceled the book order:
http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=523261&catid=14
now they’ll be stuck with Mac and Cheese and a mini wire whip for entertainment. I could be wrong though, those might be sex pumps on the top of the picture.
Is that a penis pump in the top left?
There really should have been one of those tiny airline snack bags of WALNUTS! from United or Delta or whatever airline brought those assholes to the Twin Cities.
“The republicans are coming” - um the last time I remember a similar phrase in our history it was ‘The British are Coming!’ and i believe they lost handily.
It’s actually not as bad as expected. Decent tail at the ‘welcoming’ reception last night. Event @ a club called ‘Epic’ was OK, and the SAG party blew goats.
er…redcoats maybe? maybe we said ‘the redcoats are coming’. whatever, they came, and they got their asses handed to them.
ZOMG! I totally remember the mac and cheese from the ‘96 convention. My father was at the convention with Dole as a reporter, and that was in the swag bag for the press back then. Sadly the awesome box of mac and cheese got lost during a move, otherwise I’d go find it and get pictures of it. I think it was little macaroni elephants.