Wonkette
We sure had a helluva time running around Denver this week, especially in the fine Uptown neighborhood, which is so packed with patio restaurants and cheap fun bars and liquor stores and cafes and fancy eateries and green leafy pedestrian streets that we could’ve just hung around the neighborhood the whole time. Instead, we spent thousands of hours per day getting in and out of the security perimeters, watching speeches, laughing at delegates, and otherwise working for the Man. Now we drive to St. Paul! But we’ll be posting on the road, so keep refreshing Wonkette constantly for more hot Sarah Palin / Barack Obama action. [Wonkette @ DNC Denver]
Hopefully the Mystery Van has a certain half-priced fender accoutrement…
Botswana Meat Commission FC: the Mystery Machine?
Actually driving from Denver to St. Paul? This has the potential to turn into a Bob Hope “The Road to…” movie.
I’m Wonkette editor Ken Layne here on this desolate streth of I-80 and guess what I just found. The Internet.
She is so hot. Plus, she hunts, fishes, and plays b-ball. Obama would leave Ice Queen in a second for her.
Dear Wonkette:
While we appreciate your patronage of our fine city, the “keys to the city” we gave you were NOT symbolic, they were the actual keys. Please turn around and return them or we won’t be able to lock up now that everyone’s gone.
Sincerely,
Mayor Hickenlooper
Meanwhile, can the IT guy come in and fix this shit?
There is a very simple and logical argument against the Palin gimmick. Would she EVER have been chosen if she was a man? Look at her (lack of) resume. This, my friends, is what we call sexism. Pure and simple.
Botswana Meat Commission FC:
Ruh Row.
Ken = Fred
Jim = Shaggy
Sara = Daphne (but wearing Thelma’s glasses.)
Er, only watched Scooby Doo as a kid. I swear!
If you clowns are driving across Kansas on I-70, stop in Lawrence and the wonkettinis are on me.
tunamelt:
I’m fired.
Hey Ken, don’t forget to stop at “Stuckey’s” for a pecan log.
Actually, you guys should stop at every roadside attraction possible. Can’t see enough 4-headed calves in formaldehyde.
naveed: Actually, I think it’s a clear move to bring Tina Fey back to Saturday Night Live.
As we head into this weekend, and this Sarah Palin thingy reaches a feverish pitch, just remember the Creationist motto, and snark yourself to sleep:
“Just cuz something’s a fact, it doesn’t make it true.”
Botswana Meat Commission FC: you should drink to numb the pain
dcgrrl: Yup. If Dan Quayle and Tina Fey had a kid, and held the newborn’s head under water for about 7 minutes, then bounced bricks of its skull repeatedly for about 37 years, you’d have Sarah Palin.
dcgrrl: Also a point of contention! I prefer Amy Poehler’s brand of crazy - it’s stimulating.
Be sure to keep an eye out for The World’s Largest Prairie Dog, then take a hard left at the NAFTA Highway. Stay out of the way of van-bodied trucks moving at high speeds: those are coyotes bringing in loads of illegals, and they’re not afraid of anything.
MoodProcessor: Or, as Colbert put it: facts have a liberal bias.
When you get to St. Paul, will you please ask Ms. Palin if she knows how many igloos she owns?
Awww, poor Team Wonkette. Cheer up, I’m sure the crowds will be MUCH less in St. Paul.
dcgrrl: man (grrl?), I thought that same exact thing.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: The shit seems to be fixed. Kudos, nameless tech geek. We love you long time.
Actually - you guys should buy a quick inflatable raft, just in case Gustav makes an appearance. Behold, Wonkette’s Ark….
Fucking Wonkette end of the summer roadtrip. You guys should do a behind the scenes about these two weeks and all the funny moments, and how it all breaks down, and how the hell are you guys paying for all this by posting two fart jokes an hour?
“Sarah Palin / Barack Obama action”?
Oh Ken, I feel the same kind of envy — Hopey can have any hot civil-servant he wants, and we just have to settle for reading about it the tabloids…
Political Addict: He isn’t going to leave for a white woman he could have anytime he dropped trou. Get a clue. Plus, she obviously doesn’t use birth control, and she looks way too uptight to be a back-door fan.
Puhhhlease…give me Michelle anywhere, including the bed.
MoodProcessor: I hear that crap any time the fundies are faced with a fact that just cannot be wedged into their “world view”.
“Well, it is not the ‘truth’”.
Janet Parshal is a master at this bullshit.
As if a book that was thrown together at a town council meeting 2000 years ago and filled with second-hand stories of someone many of the authors didn’t even know is the source of all truth.
AfghanVet:
True. I’d leave Palin for Michelle.
(As he goes off while whistling “Brown Sugar.”)
AfghanVet:
The truth shall set you free!
(for just a tiny fee - we expect no less than 10% - did you notice the ATM in the vestibule?)
(btw, for convenience, don’t should just want to sign-up for our monthly auto-tithe?)
(jesus would)
ManchuCandidate: Palin always sounds like a manipulative sex goddess in her speeches, however. Too early to judge.
Hey, how do you think Mittens, Pawlenty and Joementum are feeling right now, each knowing that if he’d only had a pair of knockers and some ladybits he’d have been the veep pick!
With every hot bitter tear they shed, a little girl somewhere gets a pony.
The Snark-Talk Express is coming to the Twin Cities! I must pick up my room. As soon as I get out from under the gravitas of Sarah Palin.
Yes, Palin was all a horrible nightmare, and we’re still basking in the afterglow of Barry’s speech. Soothe me Barry, soothe these salty wounds.
CthuNHu: J-Lie tried
http://picasaweb.google.com/sanducerico/UntitledAlbum08/photo?authkey=ACo1SJenE68#5240016847242158514
shortsshortsshorts: Sarah has really got a serious case of that far-North accent thing, which sounds dorky even in Minnesota and doesn’t do much for the “going eyeball to eyeball with Putin” argument.
Hey, can you guys buy another 386 processor running Windows 95, please?
Every time I click on a link, I keep getting an “503: Error Talking to Backend.” And I didn’t plan on that until at least after a few wine coolers.
Senator Boomdog: It’s almost always an error to talk to the backend
Senator Boomdog: That is an upgrade from the usual message, Talking out of Backend.
In retrospect, it was his only choice. Romney would have lost him the pig-fuckers, Huckabee would have lost him everybody except the pig-fuckers, Pawlenty just wouldn’t have generated any enthusiasm at all, Jindal’s too nuts, too dark and too foreign and Crist is, well we all know what Crist is.
McCain is behind in the polls, the debate is likely to resemble a bullfight (cartoon image: Barry in full matador regalia)so Captain Mcwon’ttalktoTimemagazine had to go for the Hail Mary.
May it fall short and bounce harmlessly out of bounds.
Let the make-funnery begin.
Careful on the retarded jokes, though. She’s got a kid with Down’s.
CthuNHu: The best thing about this pick is that it makes Mittens, Pawlenty and Joementum cry. Hell, Pawlenty even cut his demi-mullet to get the VP spot. Poor, poor guys.
Wrongavore: I know, these people get paid to live like O.C. and Stiggs.
gurukalehuru: On a positive note, Crist can now break off his “engagement”.
This great tidbit from Buzzflash:
Today John McCain announced as his vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin — “the runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant (her special talent was whistling) … In 1984, after winning the Miss Wasilla contest earlier that year, Palin finished second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant which won her a scholarship to help pay her way through college. In the Wasilla pageant, she played the flute and also won Miss Congeniality.”
First wife–model, second wife–rodeo queen/cheerleader, VP choice–beauty pageant contestant. Who says WALNUTS! doesn’t have judgment.
http://picasaweb.google.com/sanducerico/UntitledAlbum09/photo#5240025500219886754
so …
on the road to St paul …
we were somewhere near denver, on the edge of the rockies, when the drugs began to take hold. i remember saying …
did the wonkette team remember the ibogaine?
WadISay: So instead having an engagement picture during the final night’s speech like we did during Obama’s Hopey Hour in Denver, we’ll have a picture of Crist in a men’s bathroom in Minneapolis during McCain’s acceptance speech?
Speaking of which, ‘Boom’ and the Saloon are good gay bars in Minneapolis. The Saloon has no sign out front…you just have to know someone.
oh yeah, once in Minnesota, start replying to questions with “you betcha”.
naveed: I hope they don’t ask her why most Americans can’t locate the US on a world map!
qwerty42: Begin all questions with , “So…” and end them with “…then.”
For example, “So, why did you choose Sarah Palin for your running mate then?”
To ask someone to accompany you, the correct phrase is, “Do you want to come with?”
If you’re feeling really smart, you can combine them:
“So, do you want to come with to the Saloon, then?”
But all the locals have left town and gone up north to the cabin to avoid the Republicans, so feel free to talk any way you want.
PJ: yeah, a lot of sentences in Wisconsin/Minnesota are phrased as if they had originally been in german or swedish or norwegian or something and then translated to an english form. which was probably the case in the 19th century but has become standard now. My Wisconsin relatives speak in pretty much the same way.
PJ: Hey, in FL we don’t care if our politicos are gay (see Foley, Mark) or odd (see Harris, Kitty). We just don’t let them SAY they’re gay or weird. Well, we kinda missed on Kitty. God, I miss that crazy bitch.
qwerty42: Oh, sure, yup, youbetcha!
gurukalehuru: Hey, has the potential Mrs. Christ been given her walking papers yet? “No need for you now baby, I’m back to South Beach.”
Can’t wait for youse guys to get up here ta Minnesota, y’know. We all talk like that, by the way.
I just moved into a new house! Come see it. Also, if you guys want, we’re having a party on the 6th to raise money for my roommate’s dog, who was hit by a car last week and needs surgery. $10 gets you a bottomless cup of beer!
See you soon!