Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Greetings, Wonkette readers! Your Comics Curmudgeon wasn’t invited to the Wonkette Spring Break Denver Party House this year, because I was considered too square for the non-stop bikinis-and-blow hot tub party that the editors had planned. Nevertheless, I have done my best to keep on top of convention-related events from my squalid, Cheeto-dust-encrusted home office. Since I don’t even have basic cable, I’ve been following it entirely through editorial cartoons. Here’s what I’ve found out!
Because this is the Democratic convention, the unspeakable behind-the-scenes depravity was co-ed, for the most part. In this artist’s recreation of the Wednesday night festivities, Hillary Clinton prepares to toss Ted Kennedy’s salad, while a stoic Barack Obama watches silently nearby inside his home-made masturbatorium. A nameless old-timey straw-boater-wearing delegate smiles in the background, pleased that his party elders are enjoying themselves and truly fomenting party unity.
Joe Biden, unfortunately, wasn’t having such a good time. He attempted to enter the quadrennial DNC drag show, but the cabal of homosexual abortionists who judge it (they also double as the credentials committee) deemed him “insufficiently fabulous.” Here you can see that moment of heartbreak.
Later, the leading candidates went swimming, because they are elitists, unlike John McCain who only has tiny inflatable swimming pools on the weed-ridden lawns behind each of his seventeen homes. Obama used the occasion to strut around with no shirt on because that’s the sort of thing that people seem to like when he does it. Joe Biden, to prove his strong affinity for hard-working white Americans, has dressed in the same swimsuit that his great-grandfather wore to the swimming hole in 1897. Hillary wore a Flinstones-style shirt, and no shoes, for no reason that anyone could fathom.
Bill Clinton gave a speech! He had been out of the spotlight for a while, so most people had forgotten that he looked a lot like a dour 19th century Danish cabinet minister, or a vampire. But he really brought the house down when he just started stabbing people indiscriminately with an ice pick.
Then a ravenous Joe Biden unhinged his jaw so as to devour all of the survivors whole, and everyone went running screaming into the night in terror, the end. Howard Dean said it was a great success!
But before we go, let’s get a preview of next week’s fun with the GOP! Here you can see that special moment when John McCain is finally informed about a longstanding Republican convention tradition: the ritual sodomization of the nominee by his predecessor. “Don’t worry,” Bush assures him, “I’ll be much gentler than Dole was with me.”
Never, never, stand downwind of Teddy after He’s had his lunch of corned beef and cabbage.
I guess Obama does have some… things… in common with Phelps.
Convention? SARAH PALIN SARAH PALIN
Thanks, Josh. Now I have to go stab my mind’s eye out with a sharp, or even blunt, object, to avoid thinking about Bush and McCain having teh buttsecks.
Wait till Cheney puts the corn-holin’ to Sarah Palin!
Sigh, I miss when all the news was about Michael Phelps. I hope he wasn’t poisoned by China smog. He is so cuuuuuute!
dcgrrl: My favourite scurrilous (and probably always wrong) gossip email from the UK, Holy Moly, said this:
A mole had the pleasure of being on shift during Michael Phelps’ visit to London this week…
He was still hammered this morning when checking out, almost falling down the stairs whilst still drunk, with five pieces of toast crammed into his pockets. Why was he so tired? Could it have something to do with the bottles of vodka that he brought up from the bar to his room or the three ladies who also spent the night?
So, no, I don’t think he’s been poisoned by the China smog.
I like the last one “McCain is a Prisoner to the idea of War”
“deemed him ‘insufficiently fabulous’.”
What did Brian Schweitzer for his bolo tie? Some sort of ironic nod?
Thing is: a lot of those descriptions made a LOT more sense than the actual cartoons. How do you consistently manage to fund such awful dreck?
iwillsavethispatient: Honestly, he’s got to be one of the few men in the world who would spend the night drunkenly satisfying three women.
Oh man, because it’s totally like Biden is kinda loud and crazy and so he has this great big mouth and it makes people nervous, haha, help, I’m going to hemorrhage from laughter.
But seriously: I do not understand this cartoon.
Really, shouldn’t W have been sodomized by his father?
Again?
Biden looks good in a pantsuit.
AnnieGetYourFun: That’s what I did on Monday night (except it was two).
AnnieGetYourFun: What? I’m willing to try…
AnnieGetYourFun: You obviously never met m…. nah, you’re right.
AnnieGetYourFun: *COULD spend the night. Not would. Anyone would, but to have that kind of stamina when inebriated?
shortsshortsshorts: Should we call you shortsshorts until you can make up the diff, then?
Lets see… McCain picks a hockey mom from Alaska, rabid right to lifer, but with big boobs……
AnnieGetYourFun: Rhythm and stamina. God bless swimmers.
iwillsavethispatient: sigh, instead of smog, he’s been poisoned by British women. In Baltimore, I’m sure he’ll be able to find at least 4 women to take to his apartment, with much more intoxicating accents. Or perhaps he’d prefer to take the train down to DC and find FIVE diamonds at the Mayflower…hmmm?
tunamelt, AnnieGetYourFun: When I was a younger, more athletic man (tho’ no Michael Phelps, I admit) I often found liberal dosings of alcohol to provide an anesthetic effect which could greatly prolong the, uh … main event.
Stone cold sober I was the fastest gun in the west, especially for the first through third performances on any given night.
Just my $.02
Some one jump in the wayback ™ machine and see if Dole was
doing the Viagra ads prior to beating around the Bush.
If he was, this would go a long way in explaining why Bush was
such a cunt (and walked with a limp).
Said Dole “Hey George, it’s time to get something straight between us”.
Jerry w
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