This convention has been an unmitigated disaster. It is now about to get worse. They are holding the fake nomination roll call and floor vote to “determine” the presidential nominee, until Hillary Clinton fake calls it off, or something. It’s the Hilltards’ last shot at glory! Here goes.
5:50 — Alabama casts a lot of votes for Obama, and five votes for Hillary. Still within reach!
5:51 — Alaska mentions the “18 cracks in the ceiling for Hillary.” Sexists. Ha ha you can barely even see this woman, from Alaska. 63-8 for Hussein.
5:51 — American Samoa casts their -3 votes for “a gunshot in the face.”
5:53 — Hey, small question: why in fuck’s name is Kitty Harris running this roll call. Know?
5:54 — Ooh, Arizona, the land of “blue sky” as they say, goes like 40-27 for Obama. Hillary is winning, according to the New Math!
5:55 — Arkansas gives Hillary no votes for anything. What a “fuck you” to the first Arkansan in world history.
5:56 — California “passes.” Oh Jesus. Obviously “Hollywood” doesn’t want to admit its hatred of black people. Everyone boos! THIS IS THE WORST CONVENTION SINCE HITLER.
5:57 — Ha ha, Connecticut lady is on the verge of death and says “we are proud… of… Christopher Dodd.” Four people in the entire world offer a golf clap at his mention.
5:59 — Delaware offers its votes to Beezlebub, AND HE’S NOT EVEN ON THE BALLOT.
6:00 — The “Dems Abroad” delegation votes for elitism and wine and like gay sex and France.
6:01 — Goddamnit, they’re going through the whole thing aren’t they.
6:01 — Chris Matthews says, “this is a hint of what these things looked like when they were real.” Absolutely nothing about this fraudulent process resembles reality.
6:03 — Kitty Harris asks her home state of Florida where Tom Brokaw is keeping the mescaline. Florida responds, “50 votes for Hillary.”
6:05 — Andrea Mitchell says Hillary will swoop in on a “Unity” vine and starting throwing Unity Nickels to the crowd. Unity Nickels weigh five times as much as real nickels and will therefore kill everyone in the head.
6:07 — This process tastes like tumor.
6:09 — Aww, Hawaii gives a single vote for Hillary. And now we will open a beer and return for wacky New York.
6:10 — Illinois passes. They do not like that carpetbagger Osamabama.
6:11 — MSNBC notes that Tim Russert died the night Indiana voted. Will they bring Luke Russert out to ask for his dad’s opinion about this coincidence?
6:13 — “Kitty Harris” has had even more plastic surgery than Kitty Harris.
6:17 — Some crazy Louisiana lady is making nutty eyes and shouting about shrimp.
6:17 — Kitty Harris asks Louisiana to restate their vote count and to use a number tally this time instead of shrill psychobabble about prawn.
6:19 — This Unibomber from Maine guy just hilariously started a sentence and ended it with, “WHATEVER.” He had no idea how to finish that sentence.
6:21 — Oh look, it’s Maryland Gov.
Tommy Carcetti Martin O’Malley, just cold servin’ up some delegate tallies and eatin’ crabs.
6:22 — Massachusetts lady says, “We are the birthplace of education.” And that’s why no one likes liberal Massachusetts.
6:24 — It’s Walter Mondale from Minnesota, your next black vice president!
6:25 — Sen. Amy Klobuchar is a 13-year-old W.O.W. chat room troll boy.
6:27 — Ack shit, we have to go get seats for Clinton now, and we’re probably already too late. Enjoy Hillary doing her whatever!
7:01 — She did it, yayyy! Transcendence for all, etc.