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What’s inside the great bag of stuff given to America’s Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let’s examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.

From left to right:

  • The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
  • Brochure for something called “Joint Juice.”
  • Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren’t allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
  • Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
  • Can of “Joint Juice.” It’s liquid dope!
  • Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
  • Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
  • Little plastic boxes of … mints? We can’t get them to open. Let’s say they’re mints.
  • Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, “Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book,” which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
  • Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
  • More goddamned “Joint Juice.” It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
  • Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a “garbage plant.”
  • Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
  • Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
  • Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
  • Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
  • (There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
  • Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got “Jack U Off.”)
  • Flier for solar something or other.
  • $10 coupon at Macy’s, to buy some more hand sanitizer.
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