DNC Schwag Bag: Bunch ‘o Crap

What’s inside the great bag of stuff given to America’s Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let’s examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.

From left to right:

  • The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
  • Brochure for something called “Joint Juice.”
  • Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren’t allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
  • Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
  • Can of “Joint Juice.” It’s liquid dope!
  • Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
  • Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
  • Little plastic boxes of … mints? We can’t get them to open. Let’s say they’re mints.
  • Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, “Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book,” which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
  • Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
  • More goddamned “Joint Juice.” It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
  • Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a “garbage plant.”
  • Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
  • Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
  • Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
  • Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
  • (There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
  • Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got “Jack U Off.”)
  • Flier for solar something or other.
  • $10 coupon at Macy’s, to buy some more hand sanitizer.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Gopherit v2.0

    And with all the dancing those tubby bitters did yesterday, that Joint Juice won’t last past noon today.

  2. ReelectTilden

    Where do they haul the garbage from Denver’s airport? Cause that’s where all this shit is going to end up.

  3. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Isn’t that a Nalgene reusable water bottle, famous for leeching the dreaded and toxic BPA’s? Did they only give those to the bloggers? Run! They’re trying to kill you!

  4. AnnieGetYourFun

    Wow, I missed the boat on the condom-ments. Get it? That’s comments about condoms. I know, I know. I’ll be here all week.

  5. SuperRounder

    [re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: [re=70065]SuperRounder[/re]: Did you guys order the low hanging fruit, too?

  6. edgydrifter

    What–no Ensure or Astroglide? I guess the press doesn’t get the same schwag as the PUMAs.

  7. AxmxZ

    [re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70065]SuperRounder[/re]: [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: [re=70070]RooseveltFranklin[/re]: Wow. Something on your mind today, guys?

  8. TGY

    What, no pack of condoms for a ‘safe, happy convention’? Ribbed for her and/or his pleasure. Maybe that’s what’s in the package of so-called ‘mints’. It’s a condom, it’s a mint, it’s a condomint.

    Also, pack of hangover helper stuff!

    Like anyone uses actual paper anymore. Geebus, Dems are cheap.

  9. TGY

    [re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70077]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Y’all beat me, but only cause I’m wordy. :p

  10. mr.november

    Too bad, you aren’t covering the Green party’s convention. Instead of joint juice, you would be getting a joint. I hear it’ll be in Philly.

  11. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=70062]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, and what about the Arabic to English dictionary to help you understand Hopey’s speech?

  12. edgydrifter

    So in summation here are the items that should have been included:

    mint-flavored condoms

  13. WhatTheHeck

    At their convention, the Republicans will be giving away depends for all their supporters.
    Something practical.

  14. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=70081]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, all that talk from the President of NARAL yesterday was so hawt, I thought for certain they were going to pass the love on to the conventioneers.

  15. S.Luggo

    The penis pump in the upper right is to be used with something else in the freebie kit. Can’t figure out what, tho. Thinking …

  16. populucious

    The surplus of Joint Juice is just depressing. It does not make me HOPE(tm)full that the DNC grasps how quickly the sun be setting on the Baby Boomer empire.

  17. smellyal8r

    Obviously these were handstuffed by bitterz with too much time on their hands (to sanitize). Grim. Did the MSM get something better in their knapsacks, perhaps? Hair pomade? Teeth whitening gel? Loofas? Mo Dowd’s latest screeds? Interesting to see that ATT is trying to get in good with the next administration (knowing them, they are probably underwriting the stage in St. Paul).

  18. Monsieur Grumpe

    You would think, being Democrats, that they would include enough rope to hang yourself.

  19. Gopherit v2.0

    Anyone have any theories about the content of the schwag bag at the Paultard convention? Other than Kugerands and little model blimps, I’ve got nothing.

    We should totally find a way of slipping some right guard in with the Green Party schwag.

  20. edgydrifter

    [re=70100]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No shit–where’s the iPod Touch preloaded with a couple gigs of tasteful pr0n?

  21. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: Wow….just, wow.

    What motivated you to look that up? Never mind…..I really don’t want to know. Lalalalalalalala!

  22. CrunchyKnee

    @#$%! I rode over 20 of those damn bags on my bicycle going to work this morning. They are all over the streets.

  23. Jukesgrrl

    [re=70092]WhatTheHeck[/re]: And something to read while they’re waiting in line to use Larry’s bathroom.

  24. echoman2000

    i’d be very grateful if i were you that they didn’t include a CD of THE GREATEST HITS FROM THE DNC – 2008, because you’d be forced to stab your eardrums out with an ice pick.

  25. Doglessliberal

    Joint juice sounds like a euphemism for used bong water. Ew.

    And we will know you don’t really love windmills and bicycles unless you wear your lapel pins all the time, after the convention.

  26. problemwithcaring

    [re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: Makes sense. I personally would rather be severly mentally and physically traumatized by wearing one of those at all times than by the rape itself.

  27. RooseveltFranklin

    [re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: WOW. Harriet Christiansen should be their celebrity spokesmodel.

  28. HomoPolitico

    The republican swag bag includes two rubber wet suits, non abrasive nylon cord, a face mask with small breathing slit, and small dildo for inserting into the anus.

  29. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    A windmill lapel pin? Super! I’m sure no one at the RNC will come up with the obvious “tilting at windmills” metaphor, if you wear those. After all, they’re stoopid poopy heads.

  30. RuperttheBear

    [re=70122]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70130]problemwithcaring[/re]: Semper paratus. These were developed for South Africa, which has a bad problem with rape. I think the UN should be dropping them by the millions in places where rape is a weapon of intimidation.

    [re=70133]RooseveltFranklin[/re]: Do you really want to see Harriet’s coochie? I think that’d put an end to rape all by its own bad self.

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    …well I think you will be much more satisfied with the goody-bag you will get and the Republican Convention:

    -A map of St. Paul Minnesota that identifies all the gay bars

    -A pack of “Ruff Rider” condoms

    -A district schedule for all the local high schools

    -A 50% off coupon for “Fister” Ball Gag & Butt Plug Imporium

    -A 20% off coupon for back alley abortion

    -A 32oz bottle of Big Bear anal lube

    -A business card for the local Meth dealer

    -A 12inch ribbed black dildo with vibrating scrotal tickler.

    -A set of weighted nipple clamps

  32. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: …oh yeah and I forgot one thing, a can of “Booty Juice”!

  33. edgydrifter

    [re=70150]Doglessliberal[/re]: The pre-op transsexual model, or the limited edition hermaphrodite model?

  34. PrairiePossum


    And a “Get out of jail free card” in case you’re caught in the airport restroom assuming a wide stance.

    And a bible complete with highlighted verses and dog-eared pages.

  35. ManchuCandidate

    No crotchless wetsuit and rope for auto asphyxiation?

    Golden shower cap?

  36. Godot

    [re=70071]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Liberal drug hippies probably drew the wrong conclusions based on the name.

  37. Tybalt

    For all of you pointing out that there are no condoms, I’d remind you that this is the goodie bag FOR THE MEDIA. There is no McCain schlong to blow at the DNC, and therefore we can be assured no sex of any kind will be had by any member of the Fourth Estate this week.

  38. Servo

    Ear plugs for Hillary’s squawkfest tonight, or at least Ju-Ju-Bees to try for the 3-pointer into her gaping mouth.

  39. Redhead

    Yeah, because this pile of randomness won’t just get thrown in the first dumpster you pass, since how much of it is actually recyclable (or, better yet, worth using?)
    Then again, these were the same people who thought chopping down trees was a better option than recycling resources they already had…

  40. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=70077]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: That’s condomint; a breath freshner for after oral secks.

  41. Aurelio

    “Joint Juice is a ready-to-drink, juice-based dietary supplement with glucosamine to hydrate and lubricate healthy joints to help improve cushioning and function.* (* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Copyright ©2007 Joint Juice, Inc. All rights reserved.)” —

    They should distribute this stuff at the Republican Convention. If John McCain drank some, maybe he could lift his arms above his penis.

  42. qwerty42

    [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: Condoms were being given away at the Planned Parenthood party. Story and pic included here.

  43. freppish

    i bet the republicans will have all sorts of goodies for them to use when hanging out in a hotel room full of gay men and meth or even bathroom stalls

  44. Guppy06

    [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: Bottom center, small bottle on the stupid wanna-be rock-climber loop thingie. Not much, but it’s enough for a quick fix until you can get to the 2 qt (excuse me, 2 L) bottle you have back in the hotel room.

  45. Plant

    I think they missed a golden opportunity with these swag bags. They should have put in
    a solar panel key chain,
    pick up artist handbook for young activists, by Kucinich
    buy one get one free abortion coupons
    rainbow colored “I love me some gay lovin'” bumper sticker
    grey “I hate the troops and god” magnetic car ribbon
    “DNC 2008: Best donkey show north of the border” t-shirt
    Bruce Springsteen’s patriotic hits cd
    and for the young’ens an “Is Edwards my daddy” home DNA kit.

  46. Guppy06

    [re=70344]4tehlulz[/re]: Discrete packaging. Like the plain brown bags you get from the “novelty shops.”

  47. capitol hillbilly

    [re=70401]Plant[/re]: think they’ll be handing out the 2-for-1 coupons tonight after Ms. Thang speaks.

  48. thefrontpage

    Damn, what a bunch of crap.

    We’ve seen better promo giveaways at kids birthday parties. Really.

    Geez, that’s just pathetic.

  49. dougbob

    [re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: you forget the invitation to join the MLM marketing group for Acai Juice/Generic Red Bull/Viagra

  50. tocute2btrue

    Nancy brought large bags of those studed Condoms,that drunk Bitch never wears panties.
    Joe said you won’t need Ky Jelly with Nancy.
    Do youall think my youngest daughter is really mine, I have always wondered about her.

  51. Shmucky DeFukhed

    No condoms for the Joint Juice? What do they get instead? A “Get One (1) Free Abortion” pass?

  52. themightysea

    [re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Seriously, can someone put this together for the repubcon? What would one have to do to offer one’s wares (or the wares of one’s choice) to the lucky delegates?

  53. dugshop

    Oh, for crap’s sake. They could’ve done better than that. I sent all kinds of folks our Obama Hope on a Rope soap, you’d think one of ‘em would’ve thought about adding that to the gift bag. At least it’s USEFUL, and better for you than Purell.

    Wonkette, if you want a soap, I’d be happy to send one to ya, gratis, just for the pain of having to lug that great big bag o’ nuthin’ around all day.

  54. Myrna the Minx

    Okay, we didn’t get a notebook at the Big Tent, but we did get that plant a card things and some books and magazines. We also did NOT get condoms.

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