FREEBIES  1:16 pm August 26, 2008

DNC Schwag Bag: Bunch ‘o Crap

by Ken Layne


What’s inside the great bag of stuff given to America’s Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let’s examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.

From left to right:

  • The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
  • Brochure for something called “Joint Juice.”
  • Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren’t allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
  • Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
  • Can of “Joint Juice.” It’s liquid dope!
  • Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
  • Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
  • Little plastic boxes of … mints? We can’t get them to open. Let’s say they’re mints.
  • Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, “Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book,” which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
  • Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
  • More goddamned “Joint Juice.” It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
  • Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a “garbage plant.”
  • Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
  • Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
  • Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
  • Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
  • (There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
  • Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got “Jack U Off.”)
  • Flier for solar something or other.
  • $10 coupon at Macy’s, to buy some more hand sanitizer.
 
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{ 99 comments }

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:19 pm

No condoms?

AxmxZ August 26, 2008 at 1:19 pm

What, no Afro wig? No toy AK-47? No prayer rug?

SuperRounder August 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Not one condom? That’s just irresponsible.

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm

And with all the dancing those tubby bitters did yesterday, that Joint Juice won’t last past noon today.

4tehlulz August 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm

No condoms? No lube? No Molotov cocktails? WTF kind of Democratic convention is this?

ohiogal August 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Belt clips are for republicans.

RooseveltFranklin August 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm

No lube to hate-fuck the bitters?

AnnieGetYourFun August 26, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Seriously? A brochure for joint juice? Did AARP get a say in this or something?

ReelectTilden August 26, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Where do they haul the garbage from Denver’s airport? Cause that’s where all this shit is going to end up.

Obamaton August 26, 2008 at 1:21 pm

No Hello Kitty plastic shiv?

No wooden access key?

Cogito Ergo Bibo August 26, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Isn’t that a Nalgene reusable water bottle, famous for leeching the dreaded and toxic BPA’s? Did they only give those to the bloggers? Run! They’re trying to kill you!

blader August 26, 2008 at 1:22 pm

insert condom comment here

AnnieGetYourFun August 26, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Wow, I missed the boat on the condom-ments. Get it? That’s comments about condoms. I know, I know. I’ll be here all week.

SuperRounder August 26, 2008 at 1:23 pm

[re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: [re=70065]SuperRounder[/re]: Did you guys order the low hanging fruit, too?

edgydrifter August 26, 2008 at 1:23 pm

What–no Ensure or Astroglide? I guess the press doesn’t get the same schwag as the PUMAs.

AxmxZ August 26, 2008 at 1:23 pm

[re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70065]SuperRounder[/re]: [re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: [re=70070]RooseveltFranklin[/re]: Wow. Something on your mind today, guys?

KittyKatMan August 26, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Where’s the granola bar?

TGY August 26, 2008 at 1:24 pm

What, no pack of condoms for a ‘safe, happy convention’? Ribbed for her and/or his pleasure. Maybe that’s what’s in the package of so-called ‘mints’. It’s a condom, it’s a mint, it’s a condomint.

Also, pack of hangover helper stuff!

Like anyone uses actual paper anymore. Geebus, Dems are cheap.

TGY August 26, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=70061]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70077]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Y’all beat me, but only cause I’m wordy. :p

grendel August 26, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Nary a dildo or vibrator to placate the bitters?

mr.november August 26, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Too bad, you aren’t covering the Green party’s convention. Instead of joint juice, you would be getting a joint. I hear it’ll be in Philly.

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=70062]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, and what about the Arabic to English dictionary to help you understand Hopey’s speech?

edgydrifter August 26, 2008 at 1:26 pm

So in summation here are the items that should have been included:

condoms
lube
Koran
mint-flavored condoms

Monsieur Grumpe August 26, 2008 at 1:26 pm

What? No lamp shade with adjustable head strap?

SuperRounder August 26, 2008 at 1:26 pm

[re=70081]AxmxZ[/re]: If by “today” you mean “all the time” then yes.

WhatTheHeck August 26, 2008 at 1:26 pm

At their convention, the Republicans will be giving away depends for all their supporters.
Something practical.

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:27 pm

[re=70081]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, all that talk from the President of NARAL yesterday was so hawt, I thought for certain they were going to pass the love on to the conventioneers.

S.Luggo August 26, 2008 at 1:27 pm

The penis pump in the upper right is to be used with something else in the freebie kit. Can’t figure out what, tho. Thinking …

Blue Myself August 26, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Dammit everyone mentioned condoms.
uhh, no dental dam?

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:28 pm

[re=70092]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Don’t forget the ensure.

AnnieGetYourFun August 26, 2008 at 1:28 pm

[re=70076]blader[/re]: Ha! You said ‘insert’.

ManchuCandidate August 26, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Pretty useless but typical swag.

Tech swag of the late 90s was the best.

populucious August 26, 2008 at 1:29 pm

The surplus of Joint Juice is just depressing. It does not make me HOPE(tm)full that the DNC grasps how quickly the sun be setting on the Baby Boomer empire.

smellyal8r August 26, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Obviously these were handstuffed by bitterz with too much time on their hands (to sanitize). Grim. Did the MSM get something better in their knapsacks, perhaps? Hair pomade? Teeth whitening gel? Loofas? Mo Dowd’s latest screeds? Interesting to see that ATT is trying to get in good with the next administration (knowing them, they are probably underwriting the stage in St. Paul).

4tehlulz August 26, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=70081]AxmxZ[/re]: I blame Bob Scheiffer.

RuperttheBear August 26, 2008 at 1:32 pm

[re=70070]RooseveltFranklin[/re]: Don’t hate fuck the bitters. They’ve all got THESE.

Monsieur Grumpe August 26, 2008 at 1:33 pm

You would think, being Democrats, that they would include enough rope to hang yourself.

shortsshortsshorts August 26, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Fuck this. No hemp condoms.

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Anyone have any theories about the content of the schwag bag at the Paultard convention? Other than Kugerands and little model blimps, I’ve got nothing.

We should totally find a way of slipping some right guard in with the Green Party schwag.

edgydrifter August 26, 2008 at 1:37 pm

[re=70100]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No shit–where’s the iPod Touch preloaded with a couple gigs of tasteful pr0n?

Monsieur Grumpe August 26, 2008 at 1:37 pm

[re=70110]Gopherit v2.0[/re]:
Cheetos.

AnnieGetYourFun August 26, 2008 at 1:39 pm

[re=70107]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: NICE. Win.

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: Wow….just, wow.

What motivated you to look that up? Never mind…..I really don’t want to know. Lalalalalalalala!

Delicious August 26, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Larry King rubs Joint Juice on his penis.

CrunchyKnee August 26, 2008 at 1:42 pm

@#$%! I rode over 20 of those damn bags on my bicycle going to work this morning. They are all over the streets.

Jukesgrrl August 26, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=70092]WhatTheHeck[/re]: And something to read while they’re waiting in line to use Larry’s bathroom.

echoman2000 August 26, 2008 at 1:43 pm

i’d be very grateful if i were you that they didn’t include a CD of THE GREATEST HITS FROM THE DNC – 2008, because you’d be forced to stab your eardrums out with an ice pick.

Doglessliberal August 26, 2008 at 1:44 pm

Joint juice sounds like a euphemism for used bong water. Ew.

And we will know you don’t really love windmills and bicycles unless you wear your lapel pins all the time, after the convention.

problemwithcaring August 26, 2008 at 1:45 pm

[re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: Makes sense. I personally would rather be severly mentally and physically traumatized by wearing one of those at all times than by the rape itself.

RooseveltFranklin August 26, 2008 at 1:46 pm

[re=70106]RuperttheBear[/re]: WOW. Harriet Christiansen should be their celebrity spokesmodel.

HomoPolitico August 26, 2008 at 1:47 pm

The republican swag bag includes two rubber wet suits, non abrasive nylon cord, a face mask with small breathing slit, and small dildo for inserting into the anus.

Cogito Ergo Bibo August 26, 2008 at 1:49 pm

A windmill lapel pin? Super! I’m sure no one at the RNC will come up with the obvious “tilting at windmills” metaphor, if you wear those. After all, they’re stoopid poopy heads.

Doglessliberal August 26, 2008 at 1:50 pm

[re=70136]HomoPolitico[/re]: and a flag lapel pin.

RuperttheBear August 26, 2008 at 1:51 pm

[re=70122]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=70130]problemwithcaring[/re]: Semper paratus. These were developed for South Africa, which has a bad problem with rape. I think the UN should be dropping them by the millions in places where rape is a weapon of intimidation.

[re=70133]RooseveltFranklin[/re]: Do you really want to see Harriet’s coochie? I think that’d put an end to rape all by its own bad self.

HomoPolitico August 26, 2008 at 1:53 pm

[re=70140]Doglessliberal[/re]: and one of Larry Craig’s Idaho Super Tubers.

AngryBlakGuy August 26, 2008 at 1:54 pm

…well I think you will be much more satisfied with the goody-bag you will get and the Republican Convention:

-A map of St. Paul Minnesota that identifies all the gay bars

-A pack of “Ruff Rider” condoms

-A district schedule for all the local high schools

-A 50% off coupon for “Fister” Ball Gag & Butt Plug Imporium

-A 20% off coupon for back alley abortion

-A 32oz bottle of Big Bear anal lube

-A business card for the local Meth dealer

-A 12inch ribbed black dildo with vibrating scrotal tickler.

-A set of weighted nipple clamps

Doglessliberal August 26, 2008 at 1:57 pm

[re=70145]HomoPolitico[/re]: mmmm, and a Senator’s Sausage
http://wonkette.com/tag/senators-sausage

AngryBlakGuy August 26, 2008 at 1:57 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: …oh yeah and I forgot one thing, a can of “Booty Juice”!

Doglessliberal August 26, 2008 at 1:58 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: and an Ann Coulter inflatable sex doll

chascates August 26, 2008 at 1:58 pm

The Rebuplican swag bag will include lapel flag pins to show their whatever.

liquiddaddy August 26, 2008 at 2:06 pm

It’s great they have a plastic bottle for hobos to piss in and throw at conventioneers.

edgydrifter August 26, 2008 at 2:06 pm

[re=70150]Doglessliberal[/re]: The pre-op transsexual model, or the limited edition hermaphrodite model?

shortsshortsshorts August 26, 2008 at 2:07 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I don’t see a flag pin on that list. NO FLAG PIN?

Servo August 26, 2008 at 2:09 pm

[re=70148]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
You forgot the “Busta Nut Bar”. Shame on you.

capitol hillbilly August 26, 2008 at 2:11 pm

No TRUCK NUTZ? WTF?

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 2:11 pm

One thing the VIPs got that you poor schlubs didn’t: The only palatable Coors beer, ever

PrairiePossum August 26, 2008 at 2:12 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:

And a “Get out of jail free card” in case you’re caught in the airport restroom assuming a wide stance.

And a bible complete with highlighted verses and dog-eared pages.

ManchuCandidate August 26, 2008 at 2:12 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
No crotchless wetsuit and rope for auto asphyxiation?

Golden shower cap?

StripesAndPlaids August 26, 2008 at 2:12 pm

[re=70077]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: If you are of a certain age, you may remember Condom-mints: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/archives/1987/8702020961.asp

Godot August 26, 2008 at 2:16 pm

[re=70071]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Liberal drug hippies probably drew the wrong conclusions based on the name.

Tybalt August 26, 2008 at 2:19 pm

For all of you pointing out that there are no condoms, I’d remind you that this is the goodie bag FOR THE MEDIA. There is no McCain schlong to blow at the DNC, and therefore we can be assured no sex of any kind will be had by any member of the Fourth Estate this week.

Servo August 26, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Ear plugs for Hillary’s squawkfest tonight, or at least Ju-Ju-Bees to try for the 3-pointer into her gaping mouth.

Redhead August 26, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Yeah, because this pile of randomness won’t just get thrown in the first dumpster you pass, since how much of it is actually recyclable (or, better yet, worth using?)
Then again, these were the same people who thought chopping down trees was a better option than recycling resources they already had…

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=70242]Servo[/re]: That’s exactly the emergency the little radio was meant for….

Doglessliberal August 26, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=70172]edgydrifter[/re]: both?

chascates August 26, 2008 at 2:41 pm

GOP grab gob includes Jesus & children light switch plate:
http://gizmodo.com/359540/jesus-switch-turns-on-off

JamesMichaelCurley August 26, 2008 at 2:47 pm

[re=70077]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: That’s condomint; a breath freshner for after oral secks.

Aurelio August 26, 2008 at 2:49 pm

“Joint Juice is a ready-to-drink, juice-based dietary supplement with glucosamine to hydrate and lubricate healthy joints to help improve cushioning and function.* (* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Copyright ©2007 Joint Juice, Inc. All rights reserved.)” — http://www.jointjuice.com/jointjuice.php

They should distribute this stuff at the Republican Convention. If John McCain drank some, maybe he could lift his arms above his penis.

Cogito Ergo Bibo August 26, 2008 at 3:10 pm

[re=70287]Aurelio[/re]: Why would he ever want to do that?

Gopherit v2.0 August 26, 2008 at 3:14 pm

[re=70287]Aurelio[/re]: Why would he want to?

qwerty42 August 26, 2008 at 3:15 pm

[re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: Condoms were being given away at the Planned Parenthood party. Story and pic included here.

freppish August 26, 2008 at 3:21 pm

i bet the republicans will have all sorts of goodies for them to use when hanging out in a hotel room full of gay men and meth or even bathroom stalls

Guppy06 August 26, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=70068]4tehlulz[/re]: Bottom center, small bottle on the stupid wanna-be rock-climber loop thingie. Not much, but it’s enough for a quick fix until you can get to the 2 qt (excuse me, 2 L) bottle you have back in the hotel room.

4tehlulz August 26, 2008 at 3:35 pm

[re=70327]Guppy06[/re]: You use hand sanitizer as lube? You’re hardcore.

Plant August 26, 2008 at 4:00 pm

I think they missed a golden opportunity with these swag bags. They should have put in
a solar panel key chain,
pick up artist handbook for young activists, by Kucinich
buy one get one free abortion coupons
rainbow colored “I love me some gay lovin’” bumper sticker
grey “I hate the troops and god” magnetic car ribbon
“DNC 2008: Best donkey show north of the border” t-shirt
Bruce Springsteen’s patriotic hits cd
and for the young’ens an “Is Edwards my daddy” home DNA kit.

Guppy06 August 26, 2008 at 4:00 pm

[re=70344]4tehlulz[/re]: Discrete packaging. Like the plain brown bags you get from the “novelty shops.”

capitol hillbilly August 26, 2008 at 4:21 pm

[re=70401]Plant[/re]: think they’ll be handing out the 2-for-1 coupons tonight after Ms. Thang speaks.

Plant August 26, 2008 at 4:35 pm

[re=70437]capitol hillbilly[/re]: Good news. I am almost out.

BruceLee5000 August 26, 2008 at 4:38 pm

[re=70180]Servo[/re]: Damnit Servo!!! I got called away to a meeting but I was just about to link a Joint Juice / Bust-a-Nut Bar joke!!! EPIC FOILED.

larz August 26, 2008 at 5:01 pm

No bug repellant?

thefrontpage August 26, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Damn, what a bunch of crap.

We’ve seen better promo giveaways at kids birthday parties. Really.

Geez, that’s just pathetic.

dougbob August 26, 2008 at 5:39 pm

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: you forget the invitation to join the MLM marketing group for Acai Juice/Generic Red Bull/Viagra

Maus August 26, 2008 at 6:08 pm

[re=70085]grendel[/re]: They cure hysteria, you know.

tocute2btrue August 26, 2008 at 8:18 pm

Nancy brought large bags of those studed Condoms,that drunk Bitch never wears panties.
Joe said you won’t need Ky Jelly with Nancy.
Do youall think my youngest daughter is really mine, I have always wondered about her.

Shmucky DeFukhed August 26, 2008 at 9:09 pm

No condoms for the Joint Juice? What do they get instead? A “Get One (1) Free Abortion” pass?

themightysea August 27, 2008 at 1:58 am

[re=70146]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Seriously, can someone put this together for the repubcon? What would one have to do to offer one’s wares (or the wares of one’s choice) to the lucky delegates?

dugshop August 28, 2008 at 6:21 am

Oh, for crap’s sake. They could’ve done better than that. I sent all kinds of folks our Obama Hope on a Rope soap, you’d think one of ‘em would’ve thought about adding that to the gift bag. At least it’s USEFUL, and better for you than Purell.

Wonkette, if you want a soap, I’d be happy to send one to ya, gratis, just for the pain of having to lug that great big bag o’ nuthin’ around all day.

jerryw August 31, 2008 at 1:49 am

[re=70150]Doglessliberal[/re]:

I read Ann Coulter and inflatable sex doll in the same sentence, now I’m
sitting here, deflated. Crap, her doll has a bigger penis than I do.
That’s if it’s to scale with the real one.

Jerry w
http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com

Myrna the Minx September 2, 2008 at 12:20 am

Okay, we didn’t get a notebook at the Big Tent, but we did get that plant a card things and some books and magazines. We also did NOT get condoms.

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