What’s inside the great bag of stuff given to America’s Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let’s examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.
From left to right:
- The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
- Brochure for something called “Joint Juice.”
- Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren’t allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
- Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
- Can of “Joint Juice.” It’s liquid dope!
- Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
- Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
- Little plastic boxes of … mints? We can’t get them to open. Let’s say they’re mints.
- Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, “Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book,” which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
- Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
- More goddamned “Joint Juice.” It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
- Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a “garbage plant.”
- Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
- Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
- Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
- Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
- (There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
- Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got “Jack U Off.”)
- Flier for solar something or other.
- $10 coupon at Macy’s, to buy some more hand sanitizer.
GIVE US MONEY! -