DNC Schwag Bag: Bunch 'o Crap
What's inside the great bag of stuff given to America's Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let's examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.
From left to right:
The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
Brochure for something called "Joint Juice."
Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren't allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
Can of "Joint Juice." It's liquid dope!
Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
Little plastic boxes of ... mints? We can't get them to open. Let's say they're mints.
Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, "Dale Carnegie's Golden Book," which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
More goddamned "Joint Juice." It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a "garbage plant."
Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
(There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got "Jack U Off.")
Flier for solar something or other.
$10 coupon at Macy's, to buy some more hand sanitizer.