number twos

Obama Calls Failed VP Candidates To Officially Neg Them

Meet your new vice presidentThat Barack Obama, he’s such a gentleman! Not only does he carry his own luggage when he gets off a plane, he also personally calls the people who will not be his running mates to say, “Sorry bro you are not the one.” (He says “bro” every time because his running mate will be Hillary Clinton.) So uh who did he call last night with this tragic news?

Nobody is saying, of course.

Sen. Barack Obama called some people on his shortlist for the vice presidential slot Thursday night to tell them he had not selected them as a running mate, a highly placed Democratic Party source said.

Sen. Barack Obama says he has decided on his running mate but is not yet ready to reveal the name.

The source did not say which people got the call.

Obama has told some other potential running mates over the last few weeks that he would not be choosing them.

So basically he has been prank calling Joe Biden every night for two horrible weeks and chortling over what a loser he is. Barack Obama is
monster.

Obama notifies candidates on shortlist [CNN]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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107 comments

  1. DoctorCulturae

    Hopey learned the intricacies of relationship torture at Hahvahd Yahd.

    We’re all school girls waiting for the guy with the letter sweater to call us. (Will the Dems ever be able to stop this ongoing feminization?)

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Bigfoot is personally disappointed since some goobers caught and killed his cousin last week in Georgia (the one that Russia hasn’t invaded, yet.)

  3. ForTheTurnstiles

    This is the most constipated process since graduate school. Come on, pass the thing already…

  4. loquaciousmusic

    So if AngryBlakGuy didn’t get a phone call, that means he’s the one!

    Which is it? Or did Barry tell you not to share?

  5. snig

    This has reality show parody written all over it. Cue annoying theme music, amazingly frequent commercial breaks and tearful interviews from the back of a limousine.

  6. ReelectTilden

    Does anyone really think he’ll pick Kaine? I think it would be a smart choice, but I’m concerned how the Repubs will spin a Harvard Law – Harvard Law ticket (with both candidates’ wives also having gone to Harvard Law). Too l33t?

  7. norbizness

    Maybe the media should go back to the Mystery of Chandra Levy if they consider this ‘reporting.’

  8. Doglessliberal

    Send the damn text already, Barry!! Man, he has already missed this morning’s papers and news, so now what is he going to do? Release it Friday afternoon when everyone has gone out to play early from work?

  9. regisgoat

    I still want him to pick Debbie Schussell, the Bigfoot ILF. Plus, she gave Henry Poole is Here a coveted four Reagan heads!

  10. DoctorCulturae

    One wonders if our current VP Darth will “politely” ask the phone companies to deny their mass texting. You know, just to keep an eye on things. And btw, I love my mom, apple pie, the flag, Toby Keith, Sam Walton, and Exxxon.

  11. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=65974]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’ll be an interesting time when half the cubicles light up in the office with text from the Obama people. We’re all outed.

  12. ForTheTurnstiles

    Incidentally, this has Boring White Guy from Indiana written all over it which is fucking irritating. Bayh was personally fellating the Clintonistas all through the primaries and this is his reward? Fuck him, fuck Indiana, fuck the Indiana 500 and its habit of turning left, and fuck that irritating John “Cougar” Mellencamp. Nobody fucking likes Indiana. We named the dog Indiana.

  13. Doglessliberal

    [re=65980]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: seriously. I noted a lot of people with their cellphones with them in the gym last night despite the gym’s prohibition….

  14. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    The announcement is going to be subliminally woven into today’s episode of One Life to Live. You’ll just have to watch.

  15. DoctorCulturae

    [re=65983]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: If it’s Bye-Bayh I propose we all immediately start emergency cocktails.

  16. mothermaven

    Actually, I already know who the running mate is, because Barack says I am his biggest BFF — more than all the rest of you. So he calls me as soon as he told the lucky person. I was like going, “Like Barry, OMG!”
    So like, I asked him, “So… like… were they totally freaking when they heard? What did they say?”
    I totally pinkie swore I wouldn’t tell anyone. So like don’t EVEN ask.

  17. Doglessliberal

    [re=65986]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: so it is going to be a dead person suddenly not really dead? Or his or her previously-unknown twin?

  18. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=65990]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Just the suggestion makes me want to stiffen my coffee.

  19. JadedDIssonance

    [re=65981]Darehead[/re]: Hahaha, pity the picture is actually the famed Terrorist Fist Jab…Ann Coulturd would NEVER do anything that mooslim, or black.

  20. Doglessliberal

    [re=65985]loquaciousmusic[/re]: I normally want summary execution for people who use cell phones during movies, but this, I understand.

  21. freakishlystrong

    Sara, great pic!!…We are all squirmy, but keep in mind, he’s probably going to work the HOUSE GAFFE a little more as long as the attention is on him..

  22. Donkey Sauce

    This is a missed opportunity to do the whole thing live on TeeVee.

    Maury Povitch: “Tim Kaine … concerning the matter of Obama’s candidacy …. you are NOT the partner!”

    Audience: “OMGWTFBBQ!”

  23. Crow T. Robot

    Jesus, it’s gotta be Kum Bayh, right? I mean, NO PERSONALITY–therefor, no offense. ‘Cause there might be a democrat somewhere who thinks Biden needs more hair or less boringness.

  24. DoctorCulturae

    [re=65998]magic titty[/re]: And don’t forget the meme: 18 million angry bitters. Perhaps we could persuade them to move to WV or maybe work on TX. It needs work.

  25. JamesMichaelCurley

    I’m checking Wonkette several time an hour to find out if Obama named his VP pick. I need therapy.

  26. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    So I’m still in the running! I’d be perfect! I’m small and adorable and have a cute, fuzzy ass. Just like Obama’s!

  27. jagorev

    I can’t believe Obama didn’t do his veep-selection as a teevee reality contest. That would have had ratings going through the driven, and driven turnout to record levels. If there is one thing that Americans care about, it’s reality teevee.

  28. confusionanddelay<

    [re=65990]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Blech. If it’s Bayh I will prepare a mayonnaise sandwich and drink some pisswater American beer.

    If on the other hand it is Biden I will get drunk on delicious gin martinis and run my mouth inappropriately. Hooray!

    For Hillary, a champagne cocktail with LOTS of bitters.

  29. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=65985]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Was Tropic Thunder worth a shit?

    [re=65998]magic titty[/re]: Fair enough, but the Obama thing is to make us think we might be what we want to think we are. Boring White Guy reminds me that I am, in fact, a boring white guy. I’d rather be AngryBlakGuy. Better one-liners.

  30. loquaciousmusic

    [re=65996]Doglessliberal[/re]: I usually feel the same way too. But this was AN EMERGENCY.

    Also, one of the teenage boys sitting behind us slapped my lady friend’s ass as we were walking out. So I kind of wish I had used my cellphone more. And also done a terrorist fist jab in his fucking face.

  31. grendel

    It’s Stephen Colbert, and they’re going to announce it on the Colbert Report on a special live edition on Monday.

  32. Darehead

    Is tuff-guy cold war experience the new vogue now? Seems to be doing wonders for John boy. How ’bout Barry with his current foreign affairs adviser for the campaign ….

    Obama-Brzezinski 2008

  33. magic titty

    [re=65983]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: You also forgot “Fuck Hillary Clinton”. She has little to do with Indiana, but it’s still appropriate.

  34. DoctorCulturae

    [re=66010]jagorev[/re]: Am I missing something? We already have a reality teevee show, it’s called the election process.

  35. grendel

    [re=66006]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Let’s send them all to Germany… They have a woman Chancellor the bitters can believe in

  36. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=66020]Darehead[/re]: Hello, Sen. Jack Reed. If it’s a boring white guy, at least it’s someone not named Evan.

  37. The Real JR Revisted

    I would think he would do a John Mayer when he broke up with Jennifer Aniston by breaking up by text message.

  38. DoctorCulturae

    [re=66026]medievalist[/re]: A Mittens-Biden debate would be delicious, but methinks Joey B.’s head would explode from exasperation.

  39. jagorev

    [re=66022]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Sersleh? Do the contestants visit weird, out-of-the-way places to try gross local foods? Are there regular revelations of drug addictions and sexual perversion? Does the audience get to vote on which one they like the best? Damnit, I have got to tune in next season.

  40. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=66028]Darehead[/re]: No, it won’t happen, which is why I’m pissed about all this. Obama is overthinking this one, getting constipated, looking a bit Clintonesque actually. It sucks.

  41. kudzu

    In addition to calling them personally, Barry should have sent them Truck Nutz as well. It’s common courtesy.

  42. Doglessliberal

    [re=66016]loquaciousmusic[/re]: no WAY! That little piece of crud deserves a …I don’t know. Something that would publicly humiliate him to the utmost degree. What a little pig.

    And yes, it was an emergency. I agree.

  43. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=66021]magic titty[/re]: Right, thanks. Here goes: Fuck Hillary Clinton. Please, someone, be nice and mercy fuck Hillary Clinton.

  44. Darehead

    [re=66027]freakishlystrong[/re]: Ah, I had to wiki that cuz I never heard of Mika. Was thinking of pappy-Z. Dang. That was a bitch to spell, too.

  45. hockeymom

    How many homes do you think McCain and Mittens own between them? Double Digits?

    Get off their lawn(s), peoples!

  46. loquaciousmusic

    [re=66040]Doglessliberal[/re]: That’s all right. I teach middle school, so I let him know what’s what.

  47. Darehead

    [re=66035]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: He’ll probably say he didn’t want to announce while everyone was mourning Stephanie.

    But I wonder if he was all ready until…the neo-Cold War….and then changed his mind to get a good, tuff cold warrior. (Biden)

    And then after “losing” the “debate” in fundie-land, maybe he changed his mind again to get a good God-person (Kaine).

  48. Larry McAwful

    I hope it’s Joe Biden, and that the man with the debonair phony hair from Delaware pulls up in his SUV full of logs and dumps them right there in front of the state house Springfield. Then Biden could say, “Heh heh… hey, Barack. I just took a dump on the lawn.” And Barack could reply, “Huh huh… yeah. That was cool.” Then they could air guitar “Iron Man.” Yes!

  49. DoctorCulturae

    [re=66035]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: It is beginning to smell like overwrought cheeze. Why do I think a lot of what is going on has to do with the leaden feet of the DNC, not Hopey’s streamlined Chicago machine?

  50. Doglessliberal

    [re=66050]loquaciousmusic[/re]: You good and brave soul. When I rule the world, teachers will get law firm first-year associate salaries (and associates will not, because no one, I don’t care if you are God, is good and experienced enough fresh out of law school to merit $175K per year with a $120K bonus)

  51. irisheyes

    [re=66007]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: I, too, have developed a compulsion. Kids are being ignored, my lesson plans are going half assed, and I haven’t eaten a prper meal since Tuesday. SEND THE DAMN TEXT.

  52. Larry McAwful

    [re=66063]irisheyes[/re]: Tell me about it. If we don’t get this announcement soon, I think this will be able to be legitimately called a syndrome.

  53. Darehead

    Even on Wonkette, there’s hardly any comments on the non-veep threads. We’re all getting carpal tunnel from checking our technology devices! McCain has it so much easier with Pony Express!

  54. loquaciousmusic

    Well, here’s a fun graf from the AP article that Drudge linked to:

    The Arizona Republican is expected to announce his choice between the Democratic National Convention that begins Monday and his own GOP coming out party in St. Paul, Minn., that begins Sept. 1.

    Good lord, “coming out party”? Couldn’t they use a phrase that was a little less, um, LOADED? I mean, McCain remembers debutante balls (he attended one in the late 1800s), but for the rest of us, a Republican “coming out” means one thing and one thing only.

  55. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=66057]DoctorCulturae[/re]: You’re onto something there I think.

    [re=66063]irisheyes[/re]: My lesson plans are always half assed. Fuck it, it’s only the start of the semester or whatever, and I’m never getting tenure anyway.

  56. DoctorCulturae

    [re=66072]Darehead[/re]: Someone better wake McStutter to tell him. But his staff may not be able because they forgot which house he stayed in last night.

  57. kmarie08wj

    I kinda feel like Obama is making a bigger deal out of this whole VP thing than it needs to be. He acts like he is Donald Trump or something and Biden and Byah are duking it out to be his Apprentice. Just give someone the f’ing rose (or clock) already!!

  58. confusionanddelay<

    [re=66063]irisheyes[/re]: My kids are developing very bad habits because of all the tv and snacks I’ve been feeding them to keep them occupied while I check on the stupid vp news. So yes, Barry, tell us who it fucking is already. For the children. Or else they’ll be fat and stupid and it’ll be all your fault.

  59. MoodProcessor

    I think OB was just waiting for the Mittens leak. Soon enough, we’ll see Biden go all Sinead O’Connor on live TV, ripping up a picture of Mittens.

    Then he’ll call Wally a trollopy cunt.

  60. Larry McAwful

    [re=66074]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Come to think of it, between the natural GOP hatred of Teh Gayz and the current class warfare crossfire the McCain camp has found itself in, I don’t think they’d want to associate themselves with either meaning of the term “coming out.” John McCain is what you get when you cross a tin ear with a lead baloon.

  61. medievalist

    [re=66074]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Wow, the GOP convention is going to be interesting. Rudy will probably be giving the keynote address in drag, and McCain will announce “I am a gay American.”

  62. Larry McAwful

    [re=66084]MoodProcessor[/re]: I hope so. I tear up pictures of Mittens all the time, so this would make me feel that Joe Biden cares about people like me.

  63. loquaciousmusic

    [re=66086]Larry McAwful[/re]: So I guess that kind of blows my idea of playing both Diana Ross’s “I’m Coming Out” and Biggie’s “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” as McCain takes the stage during the convention, huh?

  64. DoctorCulturae

    [re=66086]Larry McAwful[/re]: “…what you get when you cross a tin ear with lead balloon.”

    And that’s why the red state bitters are loving him: he’s playing their song.

  65. Doglessliberal

    [re=66075]loquaciousmusic[/re]: hahahahahahahahahaha

    My cat does not wear a flag pin, thus he is a terrorist, and that disqualifies me.

  66. popsicle schitk

    Oh my, aren’t we all up and at ‘em early today! On a Friday no less. Oh, wait, is something important happening today?

    Maybe this is part of Barry’s secret plan to increase worker productivity.

    Ok, show of hands, who is actually doing *work* while waiting for Bary’s secret love letter?

  67. loquaciousmusic

    [re=66097]popsicle schitk[/re]: The AT&T U-Verse guy is here installing my new FrankenFIOS. I can’t do ANYTHING until he gets that shit DONE!

    But it will be funny if he gets an Obamamessage at the same time I get mine.

  68. Darehead

    How many schmaltzy love songs have been written about people like us, sitting around waiting for our lover to call? to send us a letter? a text? Just take a dump on our porch, or do something!

  69. irisheyes

    [re=66080]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Well, I’m at the other end of the spectrum- PreK. So i guess I’ll just toss a couple of Barney videos in the old bag and call it September. I’ve already planned a movie/quiet activity/playground day for November 5th!

  70. loquaciousmusic

    [re=66102]grendel[/re]: Franken, like -stein. It’s part fiber part copper. Bleh. But at least it’s not freakin’ Cablevision!

  71. ReelectTilden

    [re=66017]KittyKatMan[/re]: It’s bullshit too call either Hopey or Kaine elite, but I can definitely see that playing out. The campaign wouldn’t be able to go within five miles of a Whole Foods.

  72. loquaciousmusic

    [re=66110]irisheyes[/re]: My kids come back the day after Labor Day…and then I go on a three-day whalewatch trip to Provincetown with the whole seventh grade and a bunch of elitist gay whales.

    Go, field trips, go!

  73. Gopherit v2.0

    He had to make the calls. Hillary was sending out those fake text messages to EVERYONE. He wanted toset the record straight.

  74. thefrontpage

    The National Reporter is reporting that Obama has settled on his finalists, and they are Ted Nugent, Ross Perot, Robert Byrd, Chelsea Clinton and Denise Richards.

  75. Mr Blifil

    I JUST GOT A TEXT MESSAGE!! The only problem was that it wasn’t about Obama’s veep. It was an announcment about new developments in the science of male enhancement. Funny thing is that I was so excited that it might be about Obama’s veep, that my dick actually grew a full 3 inches in length and obtained the circumference of a can of Foster’s.

  76. CivicHoliday

    Is that picture supposed to be Barry terrorist fist-bumping his secret chosen VP? I didn’t even know Larry King was interested in running for office, but if he shows up to campaign with Hopey, I guess he’s serious.

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