Wonkette
Hey, everybody! Did you miss me? Of course you did! Your Cartoon Violence had to take a little vacation because the cartoons were hurting my brain, again and again, until I had lost the ability to think or feel joy. But now I’m tan, rested, and ready to take on the political cartooning establishment! Join me after the jump to find out how bad it’s gotten.
So, where were we, three weeks ago, when last I looked at the funny pictures? Oh, that’s right! Hopey was riding into the promised land on a donkey in stone-faced triumph, sharing a terrorist fist-bump with his lovely seraph of a wife, crowned in celestial glory by the Holy Oprah herself! He was followed by thousands of cheering, glassy-eyed minions who would do anything for him, hold up any sign, no matter how large, while his internal enemies had been cast out into the outer darkness, stripped of their finery and forced to use their bare hands to protect their genitals.
Obviously he couldn’t keep that up that level of popularity. In fact, maybe it’s turning out that Barry’s Democratic critics were right, that we didn’t know enough about him, and that the bad stuff would eventually come out. And obviously it did — in cartoon form! Let’s see what the cartoonists have discovered about Obama’s proclivities, shall we?
Well, the first thing is that he likes little boys, obviously. That’s why he’s mastered the hip texting thing — the better to interact with his favorite sexual prey, the freckle-faced twelve-year-old. He’s always sending them rude and inappropriate messages, like “what r u wearing” and “hey u want 2 hear about my economic plan” and “joe biden is going to be the best veep EVAH!!!!1!1″
Now, we’re not saying that Obama feels good about this or anything. He’s actually rather tortured by it, so he deals with his forbidden lust the only way he can: by actively trying to prevent the birth of new children. That’s why he’s here in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic, beating fetuses to death with a bat. They’ll just grow up to be little temptations!
But even when Obama’s sexual appetites are legal, they’re certainly not … normal. Not the kind that ordinary, non-arugula-eating middle Americans can relate to. I mean, sure, every red-blooded American male’s fantasy is to have a three-way. But not with a lady and another dude, that’s totally gay. And not out in public — gross. And certainly not with the Clintons.
Even his hobbies are coming under fire! Sure, in certain circles, dressing up in foppish Musketeer-like garb and challenging enemies to a fencing match might be considered good clean fun, but Barry’s not running for president of the SCA. Even Paultards prefer manlier broadsword-and-chainmail antics to Richelieu-era cosplay. When John McCain does it, though, it’s all on the up and up, because this is the style of clothing that was popular when he was a youth.
McCain, by contrast, has had a pretty good couple of weeks. He’s really showing the American people that he’s someone they can relate to, not a weirdo like his dorkwad opponent! Here you can see him taking part in the sort of pastime ordinary patriotic men do every night across this great land of ours: coming back to one of his eleventy jillion houses and angrily demanding sex from his unwilling wife. That’s leadership we can believe in, my friends!
…you were gone?! I kid, I kid.
Wait — the little boy is named Jenny?
Not only am I nauseated by the bathtub cartoon, I’m confused by it.
How can you draw a naked-Obama cartoon and not show off those killer abs? Wonkette has spoiled me.
You know, I always thought the classic cartoon accessory for beating fetuses to death in a dumpster would be the board with a nail through it. I guess that’s why I’m not a big-time cartoonist. Or a small-time cartoonist, for that matter.
…(3rd photo) is that before or after he skull fukks them?
I’m pretty sure that Obama’s sending sexy texts to the little girl
Seriously, what the hell is going on in the tire gauge cartoon?
Aww, Cindy has had a hard month entertaining Belgians and their entire staffs.
If there’s anyone on earth I could do an MMF with, it’s Bill Clinton.
But otherwise, yeah. You should put a book out, jfruh, to warn people about this cartoon Obam-Animation.
Wow, Josh, you must be commissioning these grotesque cartoons. What the hell is the one about babies in the dumpster supposed to be alluding to? Or the Clintons and Obama in bathtubs? WTF?
Ha ha! Redheads can’t tan.
Is this a good time to link to my Cafe Press shop? In honor of Cindy?
http://www.cafepress.com/SmartTassle
See, Josh? I too can get rich off of American Apparel merchandise with funny slogans.
I’m glad you didn’t feature any cartoons of a bear with Russia written on it, because there have been 100000+ Russia-captioned bear doodles published across the world in the last few weeks, and I haven’t seen one yet that was any good.
SayItWithWookies: I actually feel slightly nauseated at that cartoon. You have not helped matters.
SayItWithWookies: Well, no one said he wasn’t asking for it.
I think I’ll use the term “Holy Oprah!” with great frequency from now on.
Don’t lie. Ginger kids such as yourself cannot tan, you instead burn into an ashen grey substance when exposed to sunlight.
V572625694: This: http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2008/08/bornalive.html
Don’t you read Andrew Sullivan???!?!!!!?!!
I’m glad to see that political cartooning offers the retarded a career alternative to sweatshop piecework.
“Because the cartoons were hurting my brain, again and again, until I had lost the ability to think or feel joy.”
That’s exactly how I feel about this election cycle…
medievalist: Obviously, Hillary has recently ingested a handful of Cialis and, as soon as it kicks in, she is going to fuck both Barack and Bill ’til next Tuesday.
What will happen first?
1. Russia pulls out of Georgia.
2. Pastor Rick gets raptured.
3. Condi gets laid.
4. Barry at last finds the right time to text us his veep.
5. Ron Paul declares his divinity.
Damn. I was starting to think that the text would go out at noon. Shit.
AnnieGetYourFun: If it’s any consolation, I was exercising some restraint. But hey, the college here has the abortion protesters once a month with the giant fetus pictures, so I’m a little inured to that level of grossitude.
So Wally’s having an affair?
It’s pretty obs:
Cheap Charlie Brown Lamp
Shadowed, filthy wall
And whoever is in that bed if definitely not our fave Cougar.
Is this cartoonist implying something more than Wally’s impending wank-sesh?
eatsshootsleaves: Yes I do read Sully, but missed that one. Well that tears it for me: if Obama kills babies I’m for PSJM.
Who did the fetus dumpster cartoon? Kelly from the Onion? I couldn’t read the caption. I feel that this artist must be a great source of equally horrendous panels that I need to see at once.
SayItWithWookies: However, if I knew that Obama was going to be outside to personally bludgeon MY aborted fetuses in a dumpster, I’d be sure to produce a few more of them. Let’s get started, Wonketters! We owe it to our future leader!
Off topic, but TPM is reporting the McCains paid $273,000 last year for household help. Pass it on. I think the MSM is starting to get a kick out of this stuff, so we need to keep feeding them.
regisgoat: McCoy did that one. He pretty awful. You can find his daily brain fart on the post’s website though.
regisgoat: http://townhall.com/funnies/cartoonist/GlennMcCoy/2008/08/2
Glenn McCoy. He’s niiice.
medievalist: I guess it’s a reference to that goofy cialis ad with the couple sitting in separate bathtubs in a field. (Which I’ve always thought rather odd.)
irisheyes: Don’t forget there’s multiple time zones. Maybe he’ll wait until noon Elitist Hawaiian Time.
i’m also a little baffled and creeped out by the abortion clinic dumpster cartoon. what’s its relevance? what’s the audience for this kind of gross-out sadism by proxy? what publication is going to pick that up and print it? and is there any kind of political commentary buried in there?
wingnuts are sick.
That McCain of the dueling tire gauges is awesome. I’m not sure it looks at all like Walnuts, but it’s just neat in a George Grosz kinda way. It totally captures that not-so-solid fleshiness thing McCain’s got going on.
Iggy Plop: Obviously its a reference to how there need to be more of them. TONS of them. In time, and with enough of them, the world will become a better place.
____________________________
Dear Government:
Please commence pre-birth I.Q. screening and litmus tests. If fetus fails, please abort mission.
Sincerely,
The Virgin Mary
The Obama in the dumpster one is missing McCain in a POW bamboo cell with an American flag with a cross on it.
The boy named Jenny isn’t exchanging texts with Obama. He is pulling his dick under the table–although it woul have the same affect on any healthy 12 year old.
Holy Papal Inquisition, Batman. Richelieu. How have I not seen it before? Barry is Richelieu. Except in this story, the Queen is the one desperate for *his* attention, whereas he’d much rather really just focus on running the country, thank you.
You know the rumor that Obama waded into an abortion clinic alley dumpster to kill babies with a bat is only a half-truth. The baby dumpster was inside and he used a sledgehammer and blender. Are there no standards for political cartooning anymore?
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Which one of the three in the bathtubs is supposed to take the Viagra, and why didn’t they invite Bob Dole?
Barry only beat those fetuses because they were not as beautiful as his own gorgeous children. And Barry is serious about making a world full of beauty. And if he goes to war he will only draft ugly people.
wow. that depiction of nude golden boy edwards in the first cartoon was rather prescient.