Obama Appears To Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist

  just announce damnit

IT'S JACK KEMPAs we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO – Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too.

Barack Obama will absolutely pick one of these people, given what he said today:

  • Michael Bloomberg: Because when Obama said “independent,” he must have surely 100% meant “registered as an independent.” And Michael Bloomberg is just that! And he’s also a billionaire businessman, meaning (a) he knows how to “strengthen the economy” — by getting “Bloomberg Asia” in more American cable packages and (b) HE CAN PAY FOR THE REST OF THE CAMPAIGN. And he’ll “challenge” Obama by telling him to bomb every country that surrounds Israel.
  • Chuck Hagel: Not registered as an independent but is considered an independent because, uh, he broke with the Republican party over one issue in his entire life. But he probably knows nothing about the economy. He was in wars though, just like Walnuts.
  • Hillary Clinton: Will “challenge” Obama by shooting him in the fucking skull.
  • Joe Lieberman: Imagine, it’s Saturday, Obama’s introducing his new vice president. And then from behind the mysterious velvet curtain it’s, HOLY SHIT, IT’S JOE LIEBERMAN. Joe then tells us that he’s been a double agent these last few years, pretending to “make good” with the neocons and Republicans to learn their secrets. Putting his life at risk. But now he’s back and he’s got a gameplan. The crowd goes nuts. Seriously. They’ve done this in movies and shit and it’s always great.
  • Those are the only people who can possibly be vice president now. Other dark horses include Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, Kathleen Sebelius, Intern Juli, Dick Cheney, and Walter Mondale.

Obama says he’s decided on a running mate [AP/Yahoo]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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