just announce damnit

Obama Appears To Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist

IT'S JACK KEMPAs we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO – Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too.

Barack Obama will absolutely pick one of these people, given what he said today:

  • Michael Bloomberg: Because when Obama said “independent,” he must have surely 100% meant “registered as an independent.” And Michael Bloomberg is just that! And he’s also a billionaire businessman, meaning (a) he knows how to “strengthen the economy” — by getting “Bloomberg Asia” in more American cable packages and (b) HE CAN PAY FOR THE REST OF THE CAMPAIGN. And he’ll “challenge” Obama by telling him to bomb every country that surrounds Israel.
  • Chuck Hagel: Not registered as an independent but is considered an independent because, uh, he broke with the Republican party over one issue in his entire life. But he probably knows nothing about the economy. He was in wars though, just like Walnuts.
  • Hillary Clinton: Will “challenge” Obama by shooting him in the fucking skull.
  • Joe Lieberman: Imagine, it’s Saturday, Obama’s introducing his new vice president. And then from behind the mysterious velvet curtain it’s, HOLY SHIT, IT’S JOE LIEBERMAN. Joe then tells us that he’s been a double agent these last few years, pretending to “make good” with the neocons and Republicans to learn their secrets. Putting his life at risk. But now he’s back and he’s got a gameplan. The crowd goes nuts. Seriously. They’ve done this in movies and shit and it’s always great.
  • Those are the only people who can possibly be vice president now. Other dark horses include Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, Kathleen Sebelius, Intern Juli, Dick Cheney, and Walter Mondale.

Obama says he’s decided on a running mate [AP/Yahoo]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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80 comments

  1. NotNotLickingToads

    I’m wondering what kind of music would play to the bust out of Joe Lieberman. Like movies that use said device, he would be dressed up much cooler than in his earlier appearances in the film, to confirm his actual good-guy-ness.

  2. mookworthjwilson

    I hear he picked prominent NAMBLA member and publisher of Chicken Hawk magazine, Leland Stevenson.

  3. Dramatist

    He picked freakishly long-waisted Michael Phelps, who will help him by melting down his gold medals and investing in America’s energy future by carbo-loading.

  4. ReverendGreen

    This is why politicians needs WWF-like theme music, for dramatic entrances. Tim Kaine could always grab a mask, pay for some pyros, and steal Kane’s entrance though.

  5. edgydrifter

    If it’s any of the above, I’m jumping “Blues Clues” style into that American Apparel ad to live out the rest of my life with the purple hot-pants quintuplets.

  6. NotNotLickingToads

    [re=65443]Doglessliberal[/re]: You can take your “reality” and get right out of here!

    That said, I watched the Daily Show’s Indecision 2004 coverage of the conventions last night…including Zell Miller’s meltdown…and who was on the Daily Show to make fun of the convention? Why, John McCain, of course!

  7. Spence

    Instead of a Vice President, Barack Obama will just pick a “posse”, who will be responsible for “gettin’ ho’s” and “carrying the weight”. for him.
    I know, because I read it in a forwarded e-mail.

  8. NotNotLickingToads

    [re=65444]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Except mixed by Isaac Hayes…yeah, I can picture that…

  9. NotNotLickingToads

    [re=65449]ReverendGreen[/re]: Have you seen Idiocracy? All of our presidents should subscribe to the theory you’ve just described…President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho!

  10. SuperRounder

    On a stage this big, it won’t matter who Hopey picks. Someone will shit themselves over it. What are the odds of Hillz storming the stage a la Jennifer Hudson and singing “And I Am Telling You”?

  11. loquaciousmusic

    He didn’t have to pick AngryBlakGuy because, according to TEH BITTERZ, he already is one.

    I hope he picked Hector Elizondo.

  12. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=65444]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Very nice! I was going to suggest the Loony Tunes theme.

  13. Doglessliberal

    Wouldn’t it be great if it were Richard Cohen (SecDef not columnist) or Colin Powell? (though that would be too much for a lot of people–HELL, no! Two negras?)

  14. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=65461]Doglessliberal[/re]: Dies iræ! dies illa
    Solvet sæclum in favilla
    Teste David cum Sibylla!

  15. OuterBoroughPrincess

    [re=65460]SuperRounder[/re]: That would be beyond awesome . . . and then Bill and Carville could do a cover of “Steppin’ to the Bad Side (Woo Woo Woo)”

  16. irisheyes

    [re=65437]NotNotLickingToads[/re]: I gotta go with the Benny Hill chase music. Picture them all running in little random circles around the dais, patting bald guys on the head and honking hooters wherever they can.

  17. Guppy06

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we need to repeat the Twelfth Amendment. Loser gets bitch seat! Obama/McCain ’08!

  18. rockstarjoe

    It’s totally gonna be Caroline Kennedy or Eric Holder. Who could resist pulling a Cheney?

  19. Hooray For Anything

    [re=65453]Spence[/re]: Maybe it’ll be that dude who’s main job was to hold umbrellas over the heads of rappers so they didn’t get too much sun.

    [re=65474]Doglessliberal[/re]: Colin Powell would be awesome just for the revenge factor and because it’ll be the first time people will notice he’s black.

  20. Jobbotch

    [re=65505]Guppy06[/re]: Or perhaps the loser should be the winner’s butler for a year. Which would be OK, because the losing ticket’s VP would be HIS butler.

  21. dmac

    I’m going to go with the return of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Cue the music, and all you hear is a “hooooooooooo!” and then Duggan comes out with his 2×4. Oh, man, Obama would win the election in no time.

  22. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=65512]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, like a train of dirty sanchez’s on a mattress made of dead babies.

  23. Supernatural_Delegate

    I knew it!

    Roberta McCain

    Intro Song: Hot for Teacher.

    If that doesn’t help lock down the fence-sitting 92 year-old lady demographic, then no amount of pandering will.

    Florida is in our sights…

  24. problemwithcaring

    Whenever I hear “independent,” I just get terrified it will be some loon from Vermont.

  25. Kingbee

    Can I see a photo of Intern Juli before I make the final decision?
    Yours truly,
    Barack

    (Damn — just blew my cover!)

  26. Not_So_Much

    I vote Intern Juli over any of those fuckheadz.

    Or, Harrison Ford. He seems like a bitchin’ president those movies.

  27. PrairiePossum

    Cynthia McKinney for VP! She like to challenge people. And if Barry tries to mouth off, she’ll beat him like an ugly stepchild.

  28. Makeithurt

    Someone independent : I’ll go Hagel
    Someone to challenge him in the WH: I’ll go with one of his smart assed chill’ren.

  29. lawrenceofthedesert

    I was hoping for the Dalai Lama, so the ticket would be Obama/Lama and we could sell specially marked packages of Ding Dongs.

  30. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=65464]capitol-hillbilly[/re]: intern juli is not ready to lead. go with SKS!

    [cue ominous music]“WHEN THE TEXT MESSAGE (FINALLY) COMES IN AT 3AM, WHO DO YOU WANT ANSWERING THE CELL?”

  31. BobLoblawLawBlog

    Alright, I’ve had it with all the rumors and wild speculation. It’s me. Vote Obama/BobLobLawLawBlog!

  32. WINGNUT

    Maybe we are all reaching to far and wide. Think about this he can trump everyone shock the hell out of us all and pick the lest expected person in this whole guess the VP game it’s his darling,lovely American hating wife the perfect ticket the dream team. Bill and Hill will then have nothing on them
    the MESSIAH PICK’S A MATE.Well maybe not…….

  33. american mutt

    [re=65479]Dramatist[/re]: His new campaign slogan: Where all da’ White Women at? Oh. Right here, yezzir.

  34. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=65657]WINGNUT[/re]: Who would have thought a lame jackass like you would come up with an idea we could all back? Bravo, douchy WINGNUT, bravo.

  35. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    [re=65480]Boo_Boo_Hoff[/re]: So it is Joe, after all! I win the pool – ka-ching! – and I’m goin’ to….the big Denver pajama and pot partay!!

    As for Lieberman on a Saturday, if you watched Joe Biden handing out big steaming logs and giant cups of hot chocolate to the press camed in his driveway, then you know that Lieberman, too, ain’t just a maverick, an independent, a wuss and a Jew…he’s a hypocrite! If Barack says, “Let’s get high on the Sabbath”, then Joe will BE there.

    I’m looking forward to the McExxon-Lieberwurst debates.

  36. HollowBrain

    Fuck yes! It’s Bernie Sanders!!!!1!!!

    I’m completely wasted, but YES!!! BERNIE SANDERS GO GO GO GO

    I just got teh text message!!!

    Wait, who’s Bernie Sanders?

  37. jagorev

    Hillary Clinton: Will “challenge” Obama by shooting him in the fucking skull.

    Okay, this made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my broccoli.

  38. RoyalpAiNinA$$

    Obama has decided to name PARIS HILTON as his VP. This way he will look
    Super smart and won’t have to worry about being over shadowed by someone
    like Jesse Jackson.

  39. RoyalpAiNinA$$

    Obama has decided to name PARIS HILTON as his VP. This way he will look
    Super smart and won’t have to worry about being over shadowed by someone
    like Warren Buffet.

  40. RoyalpAiNinA$$

    I got a text message from Barack at 3:00 a.m. and it said that he has picked RON PAUL as his VP.
    Now the Democrats will have an ELISTIST and an Independant NUT JOB, just the ticket to LOSE to McCAIN/ROMNEY in November. :)))) GO McCAIN!!!!!

  41. RoyalpAiNinA$$

    [re=65597]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]:
    Even if he doesn’t pick the Dalai Lama as his running mate, we can still
    sell specially marked packages of DING DONGS!!!!!

  42. RoyalpAiNinA$$

    I hear that O. J. Simpson has been added to the short list for Obama’s
    possible VP running mates. If anyone tries to harm Obama… he will have
    the BRENTWOOD BUTCHER to protect him. I hear that O.J. can Slice and Dice
    better than Joe Biden or Birch Baye…. GO JUICE!!!!!

Comments are closed.