oh my lord what the hell is that thing?

EXCLUSIVE Barack Obama Hawaiian Beach Photo (With Phallic Thing)

Click, for christ's sake!All those press pool photographers from the Big Media didn’t exactly bring home any tremendous Barack Obama beach pictures from Hawaii. But Wonkette is proud to announce THE MOST AWESOME SHIRTLESS OBAMA photo in the history of politics, plus oh jesus what is that thing hanging out of his swim trunks?

First, the shocking email from somebody who was in Hawaii last week:

From: Johnny Utah
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Aug 20, 2008 at 6:01 PM
Subject: Obama’s Penis

While I was vacationing last week in Hawaii, me and my dad decided to go snorkeling in a Famous bay. Obama decided to snorkel that exact same day. I took this picture while Obama was about to enter the water, and if you look it looks like the black snorkel that he is holding is his penis. My friend loves your site and said that you would love to have this picture.

Nick D.

Thank you, Nick and your friend. Thank you thank you.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. accidental_tourist

    Um, why is his head his only “black” feature? Is that guy behind him also “black” ? Nothing has been so confusing as this election.

  2. randomsausage

    [re=64456]Tawmn[/re]: man you beat me to the Blazing Saddles reference that must accompany any Obama penis story. Shame on you, Sir!

  3. Landstander

    August 20, 2008: A record number of office workers we’re fired today for masturbating to newly released photos of Democratic Presidential Cand….

  4. OneSarcasticMexican

    [re=64470]Godless Liberal *[/re]: I believe I speak for the rest of us when I say We are all so gay right now.

  5. AngryBlakGuy

    …FAKE!!! First of all Barry’s penis would not fit in one frame and secondly everyone knows his penis has a flexible “knee like” joint that allows it to fold away harmlessly into his pants!

  6. sweetits

    that is AMAZING. I would like to see it put on a lawn sign. It may not win Hilz supporters. (they are too busy bitching about their heros defeat to have time for secks)But it will help with the closeted repub sector.

  7. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    I dated Nick D. when I was stationed at Hickam. He’s rrrrealllllyy into black rubber hose toys with big knobs that squirt warm liquids; I can understand how he was hopin’ Hopey would wink at him or something.


    But seriously, who’s da chunky malihini givin’ stink eye, lookin’ all Secret Service??

  8. shortsshortsshorts

    You all swoon over his gigantic man-stick when he was really snorkling for the sake of exploring Pearl Harbor for places to bomb. If you thought the U.S.S. Cole incident JUST YOU WAIT OBAMA IS GOING TO CAUSE A TERRORIZ ATTACK AND YOU WILL DIE.

  9. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    OMFG! After a fortnight of ogling Michael Phelps nekkid torso, this provided an actual bump. Michelle be one lucky lady.

  10. Spence

    Good lord, Wonkette. I was 90% down the road to straight-by-the-grace-of-Jesus, and you set me back like this…

  11. LysergicAsset

    Truly hysterical picture, but what about the other guy? Do they do male breast augmentation in Hawaii or something?

  12. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    And I love the way the Secret Service guys (background) strip down to mirror the boss.

  13. WhatTheHeck

    If you think that’s big, wait until after the election (spoken with a Chinese accent).

  14. pinko-commie

    He looks good, particularly for his age. But is anyone else besides me bothered by his farmer’s and watch-strap tan lines?

  15. VomitComit

    <3 <3 <3 the tan lines from the watch and from having his sleeves rolled up while he helps fix america

  16. thefrontpage

    Please get back immediately to running pictures of Paris Hilton in a bikini, Jenna Bush in skimpy clothes and Redskins cheerleaders and Hooter’s girls, just to make us happy and make us forget today’s picture. Thank you.

  17. OneSarcasticMexican

    [re=64494]WhatTheHeck[/re]: OMG, I barely got it after 5 minutes. I guess i was a lil distracted

  18. shortsshortsshorts

    I have been checking teh Google News thing and have seen about 8,000 top stories with polls ranging from Obama 99.9%/ WALNUTS .1% to WALNUTS 99.9%/ Barry .1%.

    This photo will surely make the former more accurate.

  19. Lazy Media

    Motherfucker! That’s what my body looked like 18 months ago (I’m almost exactly Hopey’s age), before I resumed drinking and sitting around on my ass, and gained 25 pounds. That’s it, bitch, it’s on. I got my Wii Fit today, and I WILL be taking Michelle away in January.

  20. smashtheduck

    Just hope he remembered to take the smokes outta that handy pocket in the surf shorts before diving in. I hate it when I forget.

  21. grevillea

    [re=64487]LysergicAsset[/re]: And why is he wearing matching shorts? Uh-oh, it’s his man-mistress!

  22. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=64530]grevillea[/re]: YAY YOU SAID shorts!
    /sorry things are slowing down at work… and I am lame.

  23. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    When, in American history, did anyone ever before discuss presidential peen? Oh, right. Bill. It was discussed in the NY Times, right?

  24. loudmouthredhead


    I guess we can see where all of the blackness was concentrated eh? That, or its some kind of crazy, new-fangled cyborg penis, and his mandated national healthcare will make all of us get plastic phalli. Someone protect Bobba Booey!

  25. loudmouthredhead

    [re=64515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But remember, Walnuts!’ is ribbed AND pre-lubricated with sweet, sweet crude.

  26. loudmouthredhead

    For too long, this country has been lead by gut instinct. Now, at last, it will be lead by a phallic snorkel of hope.

  27. loudmouthredhead

    [re=64549]Delicious[/re]: I’m sorry, but that baby looks like it has the ‘tards. Plus, the imperfect hair is a dead giveaway it’s no Edwards love-spawn.

  28. wheelie

    [re=64515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: WIN!

    The British tabloids should definitely be tipped off about this exclusive pic. The only question is whether to retouch it a little first . . .

  29. Whiskeybaby

    I love that every topless Barry post gets a gazillion page views. ALL OF WONKETTE IS HOMO. Including me.

  30. Scooter

    While Doktor Frankenstein assembled the monster, Inga mused that: “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker!! Voof!!”

  31. TJBeck

    BTW, is the guy in the background sporting official Secret Service swimtrunks? I guarantee that guy’s “packing”.

  32. hrhkingfriday

    HAHA, the CNN special just said his HS basketball nickname was “Barry O’Bomber”. Big lolz!

  33. S. Cullen Bonz

    Notice there are two tracks of footprints, then only one set behind Obama. That’s because he’s carrying God.

  34. WonkaBee

    [re=64525]Not_So_Much[/re]: a brand new MONZA!! God, I have to hear that again….

    But really, what’s with the black head mounted on the white torso? I thought he was half-white, but this looks more like 80%.

  35. itgetter

    [re=64575]WonkaBee[/re]: If it was the other way around, Barry might’ve had an easier time of things.

  36. Jingo

    To keep up with Obama, McCain was going to release a photo of his own manhood. Fortunately, his publicist intervened when staffers mistook the photo for that of a stale marshmallow sitting atop a mound of cottage cheese.

    As for it being a snorkel… are you telling me Obama can breathe through his penis?

  37. loquaciousmusic

    This exclusive picture will TOTALLY give us, like, a million zillion more hits a day than that stupid “CuteOverload.com” site.


  38. Darehead

    Phelpsian, pre-shrunk.
    And Barry could show his support for our great Olympians by getting into a Speedo LZR RACER (TM) a la “Mission Accomplished.”

  39. itgetter

    [re=64585]WonkaBee[/re]: She would still have more testicular fortitude than that inadequate black man!!11!


  40. gilbot

    NEAT. I recently ordered that attachment from ToysinBabeland also.. the “cervix smasher”.. Good taste, Barry!

  41. TexasCowGirl

    Perhaps Barry should walk around in swim trunks all of the time. Then the Bitters could see just how white he really is. He’ll of course have to make sure that his big, black penis is kept well hidden as Bitters fear nothing more than a big, black penis coming after the white womens. But the general paleness of his body is a good thing overall. I think coming back from the Middle East all toasty hurt his poll numbers. Come on Barry, hide that big, black penis and show those Bitters your white!

  42. TexasCowGirl

    AnnieGetYourFun: Had he not married that Negress and had those two colored babies he could have passed. Barry is what us other Negroes call “High Yella”. I still think Barry is hotter than a cat’s pussy on a hot tin roof, but I though he was a more caramel tone. His mother’s genes just about knocked out all of that African. Execpt of course where it really matters as you can clearly see.

  43. AxmxZ

    [re=64624]Outstando[/re]: Schwartz or Schwantz? I guess it’s same difference here.

    [re=64657]TexasCowGirl[/re]: He really does look a lot like his mom and her father.

  44. Schadenfried

    [re=64657]TexasCowGirl[/re]: I guess we’re looking at two different Barrys, not counting that picture, one couldn’t tell he was half white walking down the street. Believe it or not there’s alot of bi-racial people who fully pass for black. In fact, I didn’t know he was bi-racial until the media pointed it out. I wouldn’t put him in the high yellow category either. My mom’s lighter than he is and she’s not bi-racial.

    I agree that he does look more like his mother.

  45. AxmxZ

    [re=64694]Schadenfried[/re]: He looks different depending on how brightly one illuminates him. He’s highly reflective.

  46. Outstando

    [re=64684]AxmxZ[/re]: What I meant to say was Schwarz, as in, the German word for black. Senator Schwarzendicker has a good ring, no?

  47. ProgHead777

    Isn’t being completely repulsive when half naked a prerequisite for the presidency? It’s in the constitution:

    “…neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years, and possess a jiggly set of man-boobs.”

  48. problemwithcaring

    Those are some pasty white ass legs… never was a Hawaiian vacay more needed. Dem shits uglay.

  49. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=64694]Schadenfried[/re]: Yeah, he doesn’t strike me as overtly white-looking, either – I just assumed that his chest and shoulders would match his face. And if you are wondering if I spend much time pondering the color of his skin on various parts of his body, then you don’t know me at all.


  50. Schadenfried

    [re=65354]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Well as long as pondering doesn’t hurt teh puppehs and the teh babehs, meh.

    Actually, a person gets that way from under exposure to the sun. I’m the same way, I have a brown face, but my legs are a shade away from high yella. That’s from years of not wearing shorts or skirt in the warmer months (fat/self-esteem issues). When lost some weight and starting wearing more shorts and skirts while in college, my friends were like “DAMN, what’s wrong with your legs!?”

  51. dave

    Only amongst a bunch of nerdy wonks and newshead could such an awesome picture of Barry’s huge plastic wong devolve into a serious discussion of skin-tone and race. I am seriously disappointed

  52. tocute2btrue

    Children > children cut the clamor there is enough big stick for you all.
    I will raise TAXES on the underfed middle class 40% the first year.
    Joe said “Obama lets run down the hill and screw one of those Interns”
    I said hell Joe lets walk down and screw them all!

  53. Mr-Clark

    Ken Layne,

    Well, the Secret Service Agent couldn’t be more obvious if he tried. They are wearing matching outfits! Pardon my ignorance, but how did Barack Obama get a “Farmer’s Tan”? It appears he is taking a piss in that “phallic” thing you mention.

    Sincerely and respectfully,


  54. wallythepug

    [re=64465]accidental_tourist[/re]: Farmer tan, from wearing those dorky golf shirts. You can see his watch mark too. That being said, ROWRRRRR.

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