oh my lord what the hell is that thing?

EXCLUSIVE Barack Obama Hawaiian Beach Photo (With Phallic Thing)

Click, for christ's sake!All those press pool photographers from the Big Media didn’t exactly bring home any tremendous Barack Obama beach pictures from Hawaii. But Wonkette is proud to announce THE MOST AWESOME SHIRTLESS OBAMA photo in the history of politics, plus oh jesus what is that thing hanging out of his swim trunks?

First, the shocking email from somebody who was in Hawaii last week:

From: Johnny Utah
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Aug 20, 2008 at 6:01 PM
Subject: Obama’s Penis

While I was vacationing last week in Hawaii, me and my dad decided to go snorkeling in a Famous bay. Obama decided to snorkel that exact same day. I took this picture while Obama was about to enter the water, and if you look it looks like the black snorkel that he is holding is his penis. My friend loves your site and said that you would love to have this picture.

Sincerely,
Nick D.


Thank you, Nick and your friend. Thank you thank you.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • OneSarcasticMexican

    Just how I’d imagine. *swoon*

  • Tawmn

    it’s twuuuu it’s twuuuuuuuu

  • Dernyul

    Yes, Dernyul, there is a Santa Claus.

  • randomsausage

    Lilly Von Schtupp would approve

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    Barry’s into toys too!?!?!?! OMGZ OMGZ OMGZ

  • accidental_tourist

    Um, why is his head his only “black” feature? Is that guy behind him also “black” ? Nothing has been so confusing as this election.

  • johnbpt

    That thang looks dangerous!

  • Canuckledragger

    That’s not his peewee. It’s a marital aid. My Mrs. has one just like it.

  • carerer

    Johnny’s right. Wonkette is the perfect forum for this picture.

  • Godless Liberal *

    Oh I am SO gay right now.

  • KittyKatMan

    I think this will help the swing vote. Hahahah..ha..uh…ok. um.

  • randomsausage

    [re=64456]Tawmn[/re]: man you beat me to the Blazing Saddles reference that must accompany any Obama penis story. Shame on you, Sir!

  • Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    Wrong.

    There are some nice shots of Barry on da beach, thanks to Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s UPI:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tSpUbC35Y7M/SKeVhVrM8kI/AAAAAAAAJsA/zg8J-ybrNPg/s1600-h/vm03.jpg

  • Landstander

    August 20, 2008: A record number of office workers we’re fired today for masturbating to newly released photos of Democratic Presidential Cand….

  • OneSarcasticMexican

    [re=64470]Godless Liberal *[/re]: I believe I speak for the rest of us when I say We are all so gay right now.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …FAKE!!! First of all Barry’s penis would not fit in one frame and secondly everyone knows his penis has a flexible “knee like” joint that allows it to fold away harmlessly into his pants!

  • sweetits

    that is AMAZING. I would like to see it put on a lawn sign. It may not win Hilz supporters. (they are too busy bitching about their heros defeat to have time for secks)But it will help with the closeted repub sector.

  • Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    I dated Nick D. when I was stationed at Hickam. He’s rrrrealllllyy into black rubber hose toys with big knobs that squirt warm liquids; I can understand how he was hopin’ Hopey would wink at him or something.

    Whew.

    But seriously, who’s da chunky malihini givin’ stink eye, lookin’ all Secret Service??

  • shortsshortsshorts

    You all swoon over his gigantic man-stick when he was really snorkling for the sake of exploring Pearl Harbor for places to bomb. If you thought the U.S.S. Cole incident JUST YOU WAIT OBAMA IS GOING TO CAUSE A TERRORIZ ATTACK AND YOU WILL DIE.

  • Imagine42

    [re=64465]accidental_tourist[/re]: Well, not his ONLY black feature…

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    OMFG! After a fortnight of ogling Michael Phelps nekkid torso, this provided an actual bump. Michelle be one lucky lady.

  • Spence

    Good lord, Wonkette. I was 90% down the road to straight-by-the-grace-of-Jesus, and you set me back like this…

  • LysergicAsset

    Truly hysterical picture, but what about the other guy? Do they do male breast augmentation in Hawaii or something?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=64481]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: U.S.S. Cole incident *was bad*.

    hack.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    And I love the way the Secret Service guys (background) strip down to mirror the boss.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    Look at that palm rotated back. What a fucking p-i-m-p.

  • WhatTheHeck

    If you think that’s big, wait until after the election (spoken with a Chinese accent).
    Ha.

  • moonbat%

    is that a secret service member in the background? boner.

  • mr.november

    checks out the shadow! could it be a two-headed…

  • pinko-commie

    He looks good, particularly for his age. But is anyone else besides me bothered by his farmer’s and watch-strap tan lines?

  • VomitComit

    <3 <3 <3 the tan lines from the watch and from having his sleeves rolled up while he helps fix america

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    He is more light skinnededed than I thought.

  • thefrontpage

    Please get back immediately to running pictures of Paris Hilton in a bikini, Jenna Bush in skimpy clothes and Redskins cheerleaders and Hooter’s girls, just to make us happy and make us forget today’s picture. Thank you.

  • OneSarcasticMexican

    [re=64494]WhatTheHeck[/re]: OMG, I barely got it after 5 minutes. I guess i was a lil distracted

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Hmmm….black man with a tire iron. Better hold on to your purses, ladies.

  • Spence

    [re=64497]pinko-commie[/re]: No. No we are not.

  • NoWireHangers

    You know he’s a Democrat because it curves to the left.

  • AxmxZ

    *attempts to say something but decides to have a fit of hysterical giggles instead*

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I have been checking teh Google News thing and have seen about 8,000 top stories with polls ranging from Obama 99.9%/ WALNUTS .1% to WALNUTS 99.9%/ Barry .1%.

    This photo will surely make the former more accurate.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Pffff — look at how long and nuanced it is. John McCain’s is decisive and pithy.

  • Lazy Media

    Motherfucker! That’s what my body looked like 18 months ago (I’m almost exactly Hopey’s age), before I resumed drinking and sitting around on my ass, and gained 25 pounds. That’s it, bitch, it’s on. I got my Wii Fit today, and I WILL be taking Michelle away in January.

  • jagorev

    My God. Barack is the whitest man alive.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    [re=64497]pinko-commie[/re]: No.

  • Harmless

    Even the tree is swooning!

  • AxmxZ

    [re=64465]accidental_tourist[/re]: Could be because he’s not actually black.

  • Not_So_Much

    “A baby’s arm, holding an apple.”

  • smashtheduck

    Just hope he remembered to take the smokes outta that handy pocket in the surf shorts before diving in. I hate it when I forget.

  • grevillea

    [re=64487]LysergicAsset[/re]: And why is he wearing matching shorts? Uh-oh, it’s his man-mistress!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=64530]grevillea[/re]: YAY YOU SAID shorts!
    /sorry things are slowing down at work… and I am lame.

  • accidental_tourist

    AxmxZ: He’s not really black? Stop the presses, that changes everything.

  • somelegalbitch

    Oh come on people, that is not nearly big enough to be Barry’s peen.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    When, in American history, did anyone ever before discuss presidential peen? Oh, right. Bill. It was discussed in the NY Times, right?

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=64515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: OMGFTW.

  • InsidiousTuna

    Oh Jesus.

  • loudmouthredhead

    ZOMG!!1! I WANNA HAVE HIS BABIES!

    I guess we can see where all of the blackness was concentrated eh? That, or its some kind of crazy, new-fangled cyborg penis, and his mandated national healthcare will make all of us get plastic phalli. Someone protect Bobba Booey!

  • CivicHoliday

    I’d do a jello shot off that dude ANY DAY (foreground not background, mind you)

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=64515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But remember, Walnuts!’ is ribbed AND pre-lubricated with sweet, sweet crude.

  • Delicious

    Okay, nobody cares anymore, but:

    http://www.nationalenquirer.com/john_edwards_blockbuster_new_expose/celebrity/65316

    She’s looking very MILF-like there, and recalling those pics of her tight ass…

    I’d hit that.

    Oh, and we’ll be together when my cancer wife is gone. Ha Ha.

  • loudmouthredhead

    For too long, this country has been lead by gut instinct. Now, at last, it will be lead by a phallic snorkel of hope.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=64549]Delicious[/re]: I’m sorry, but that baby looks like it has the ‘tards. Plus, the imperfect hair is a dead giveaway it’s no Edwards love-spawn.

  • wheelie

    [re=64515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: WIN!

    The British tabloids should definitely be tipped off about this exclusive pic. The only question is whether to retouch it a little first . . .

  • Whiskeybaby

    I love that every topless Barry post gets a gazillion page views. ALL OF WONKETTE IS HOMO. Including me.

  • Scooter

    While Doktor Frankenstein assembled the monster, Inga mused that: “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker!! Voof!!”

  • Deserve Neither

    “Excuse me while I whip this out…”

  • CrunchyKnee

    There is hope yet!

  • TJBeck

    This is the single greatest photo in the history of American politics.

  • Delicious

    [re=64552]loudmouthredhead[/re]: But John John is adorable!

  • TJBeck

    BTW, is the guy in the background sporting official Secret Service swimtrunks? I guarantee that guy’s “packing”.

  • hrhkingfriday

    HAHA, the CNN special just said his HS basketball nickname was “Barry O’Bomber”. Big lolz!

  • S. Cullen Bonz

    Notice there are two tracks of footprints, then only one set behind Obama. That’s because he’s carrying God.

  • InsidiousTuna

    [re=64558]Scooter[/re]: Fronkensteen.

  • itgetter

    [re=64568]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]: Awesome.

  • WonkaBee

    [re=64525]Not_So_Much[/re]: a brand new MONZA!! God, I have to hear that again….

    But really, what’s with the black head mounted on the white torso? I thought he was half-white, but this looks more like 80%.

  • AxmxZ

    [re=64575]WonkaBee[/re]: Also, why is it a black Gen X-er’s head on a white Millenial’s body?

  • Advn2rgirl

    http://wonkette.com/402067/hot-exclusive-barack-beach-photo-with-phallic-thing#comment-64570: Senataw, you gave the monstah your tweemendous bwain. What did he give you?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    It must be said:

    “Exclusive Barack Obama Photo, with Phallic thing! Only $19.99!”

  • itgetter

    [re=64575]WonkaBee[/re]: If it was the other way around, Barry might’ve had an easier time of things.

  • Advn2rgirl

    Yeah, I know. Sorry. Bad cursor pointage. I was sloppy. ::slinks away in shame::

  • WonkaBee

    OK, a mediocre video mash, but at least the original music. Whaddya want from U-Tubes?

  • Jingo

    To keep up with Obama, McCain was going to release a photo of his own manhood. Fortunately, his publicist intervened when staffers mistook the photo for that of a stale marshmallow sitting atop a mound of cottage cheese.

    As for it being a snorkel… are you telling me Obama can breathe through his penis?

  • WonkaBee

    [re=64581]itgetter[/re]: And if Geraldine Ferraro had had a man’s head on a woman’s body…?

  • loquaciousmusic

    This exclusive picture will TOTALLY give us, like, a million zillion more hits a day than that stupid “CuteOverload.com” site.

    Right?

  • Darehead

    Phelpsian, pre-shrunk.
    And Barry could show his support for our great Olympians by getting into a Speedo LZR RACER (TM) a la “Mission Accomplished.”

  • InsidiousTuna

    Ok, I just got a boner from the end of that CNN thing. Yes We Can.

  • MartyMuffins

    mmm sexy barack is almost as good as john mccain talking about equal pay for women.. mmm equal pay

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKrqzyKw0gk

  • itgetter

    [re=64585]WonkaBee[/re]: She would still have more testicular fortitude than that inadequate black man!!11!

    /hilltard

  • CivicHoliday

    Gotta git some some…some uh that cinnibun…

  • donner_froh

    [re=64487]LysergicAsset[/re]: He has what steroid abusers call “bitch tits”.

  • S.Luggo

    The first photo, Saint Sebastian before Mark Penn’s arrows hit:
    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2358/2132536910_fb9177dbfd.jpg?v=1198466569

    The second: Cindy McCain’s last wet dream. Pleasure me, Dembama.

  • gilbot

    NEAT. I recently ordered that attachment from ToysinBabeland also.. the “cervix smasher”.. Good taste, Barry!

  • Outstando

    May the Schwartz Be With You!

  • sanantonerose

    I love quick time harch.

    /Empress Nympho

  • TexasCowGirl

    Perhaps Barry should walk around in swim trunks all of the time. Then the Bitters could see just how white he really is. He’ll of course have to make sure that his big, black penis is kept well hidden as Bitters fear nothing more than a big, black penis coming after the white womens. But the general paleness of his body is a good thing overall. I think coming back from the Middle East all toasty hurt his poll numbers. Come on Barry, hide that big, black penis and show those Bitters your white!

  • Darehead

    [re=64632]sanantonerose[/re]: no, no, no, no.
    (……) YES!

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=64641]TexasCowGirl[/re]: Seriously. Dude is PALE.

  • TexasCowGirl

    AnnieGetYourFun: Had he not married that Negress and had those two colored babies he could have passed. Barry is what us other Negroes call “High Yella”. I still think Barry is hotter than a cat’s pussy on a hot tin roof, but I though he was a more caramel tone. His mother’s genes just about knocked out all of that African. Execpt of course where it really matters as you can clearly see.

  • AxmxZ

    [re=64624]Outstando[/re]: Schwartz or Schwantz? I guess it’s same difference here.

    [re=64657]TexasCowGirl[/re]: He really does look a lot like his mom and her father.

  • Schadenfried

    [re=64657]TexasCowGirl[/re]: I guess we’re looking at two different Barrys, not counting that picture, one couldn’t tell he was half white walking down the street. Believe it or not there’s alot of bi-racial people who fully pass for black. In fact, I didn’t know he was bi-racial until the media pointed it out. I wouldn’t put him in the high yellow category either. My mom’s lighter than he is and she’s not bi-racial.

    I agree that he does look more like his mother.

  • Hart88

    Bob Dole approves

  • AxmxZ

    [re=64694]Schadenfried[/re]: He looks different depending on how brightly one illuminates him. He’s highly reflective.

  • charles demar

    He gotta Kama`aina bodyguard! Penis gags=always funny.

  • dezeinstein

    Wonkette, you have totally CROSSED THE LINE with this post.

    And I thank you for it.

  • Outstando

    [re=64684]AxmxZ[/re]: What I meant to say was Schwarz, as in, the German word for black. Senator Schwarzendicker has a good ring, no?

  • ProgHead777

    Isn’t being completely repulsive when half naked a prerequisite for the presidency? It’s in the constitution:

    “…neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years, and possess a jiggly set of man-boobs.”

  • problemwithcaring

    Those are some pasty white ass legs… never was a Hawaiian vacay more needed. Dem shits uglay.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=64694]Schadenfried[/re]: Yeah, he doesn’t strike me as overtly white-looking, either – I just assumed that his chest and shoulders would match his face. And if you are wondering if I spend much time pondering the color of his skin on various parts of his body, then you don’t know me at all.

    [yes]

  • josereyes.theroof

    Nick D. = former Wonkette sole proprietor Nick Denton?

  • Schadenfried

    [re=65354]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Well as long as pondering doesn’t hurt teh puppehs and the teh babehs, meh.

    Actually, a person gets that way from under exposure to the sun. I’m the same way, I have a brown face, but my legs are a shade away from high yella. That’s from years of not wearing shorts or skirt in the warmer months (fat/self-esteem issues). When lost some weight and starting wearing more shorts and skirts while in college, my friends were like “DAMN, what’s wrong with your legs!?”

  • dave

    Only amongst a bunch of nerdy wonks and newshead could such an awesome picture of Barry’s huge plastic wong devolve into a serious discussion of skin-tone and race. I am seriously disappointed

  • AxmxZ

    [re=64874]Outstando[/re]: *sigh* I know… Schwanz is the German idiom for “cock”.

  • tocute2btrue

    Children > children cut the clamor there is enough big stick for you all.
    I will raise TAXES on the underfed middle class 40% the first year.
    Joe said “Obama lets run down the hill and screw one of those Interns”
    I said hell Joe lets walk down and screw them all!

  • Mr-Clark

    Ken Layne,

    Well, the Secret Service Agent couldn’t be more obvious if he tried. They are wearing matching outfits! Pardon my ignorance, but how did Barack Obama get a “Farmer’s Tan”? It appears he is taking a piss in that “phallic” thing you mention.

    Sincerely and respectfully,

    Mr-Clark

  • wallythepug

    [re=64465]accidental_tourist[/re]: Farmer tan, from wearing those dorky golf shirts. You can see his watch mark too. That being said, ROWRRRRR.