Bloggin' is rad!The fattest people in the world got even fatter this year, as the obesity rate kept rising in 37 states and didn’t decline in the other 13 states. Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama won the triple crown of fat-assery, surprising nobody, while Michigan was the only state in the Top Ten of Fat that’s not in the South, which also surprised nobody. Now let’s see how the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama’s vacation birthplace rate!

Colorado, home of the DNCC ’08, is the fittest state in America! “Only” 18.4% of the Rocky Mountain People are obese — compared to more than 30% in Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama. And elitist foreign country Hawaii has “only” 20.7% fat people, which is kind of amazing to think about, if you’ve ever been to Hawaii, which seems like an offshore Fat Farm.

According to this new survey, two-thirds of Americans are officially Overweight or Obese. Two-thirds! The fatness has been rapidly increasing since 1980, when Reagan turned everybody into stupid flag-waving lard-asses.

Report: Americans Fatter in 37 States [Fox News]

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  1. Be assured that obesity will be on the ledger for the next Olympic Games, and we are gonna fucking PWN those Euro heart-healthy bastards.

    I’m going to eat 5 pounds of pig fat in celebration.

  2. Actually, I’m glad the photo stops where it does. You can tell he lives in a southern state as he has his shirt off AND a fan blowing on him.

    Can I also say I’m glad not to be in that room?

  3. …what a surprise! Who would have known that sitting on the porch of your double wide, eating corn-nuts while drinking homemade moonshine only getting up to beat your wife/sister or skin a possum would lead to morbid obesity?!

  4. What the fuck are those Mississippi people eating, anyway? Straight Lard? Or do they heat it, melt it, and sip it like a tasty winter beverage?

  5. how walnuts can win the presidency… offer free gastric bypasses for everybody! ohhh and have huckabilly as vp. fatties relate to the other fatties.

  6. we saw “Tell No One” recently (yes, it was French and subtitled and that makes us elitist pigs who want the terrorist to win, but it was an excellent movie based on an American book. So there). About halfway through, during a chase scene where cops were running after someone through the streets of Paris, I realized what was wrong: NO ONE WAS FAT. Even the background extras. I know this was not “real life”, but in American movies you see chubby people in crowd scenes (hell, you see them in commercials) because that makes it somewhat more realistic. Almost everyone in this picture looked healthy, not anorexic or obese. (and not everyone smokes anymore, since Paris banned it in bars/restaurants) It was amazing. Then we left the theater, and the difference was even more striking.

    But a great movie. And some female full frontal nudity for you boob fans. (male, too, but you don’t see much)

  7. Hawaii seems like a fat farm for the same reason that Disneyland is the Fattest Place on Earth. It’s a safe place for those obese families to go on vacation, unlike France, where Carla Bruni-Sarkozy will personally flick a lit cigarette at their pudgy little piglets and laugh sexily from deep within her bony ribcage.

  8. I just want to go on the record to say that I am doing my part to keep our nation thin. I weigh 5 pounds less than I did in high school 20 years ago. I eat dessert every day, sometimes twice, and I have a desk job and do not exercise that regularly. Not to brag or anything. Actually, yes, I am bragging.

    Which leads me to the question… WTF are fat people eating to make themselves so fat?!!!! It’s called portion control people!

  9. In celebration of this news, I will now think scandalous thoughts about the healthy looking woman modeling the American Apparel unisex pinpoint oxford shirt, immediately to the left of this space.

  10. Yee-haw! We Southerners RUUUL again! The South gon’ rise again, soon as we finish these takeout leftovers and sit a spell on the couch for a minute before watching that shoppin’ network.

  11. [re=64107]pinko-commie[/re]: sodas and frappuccinos and chips–things that don’t fill you up (no fiber) and pack a billion calories and tons of bad fats. Plus, no one walks anymore. We are going to evolve into a boneless species that rolls everywhere (to date myself, that reminds me of the Gary Larsen cartoon that shows a drawing of the “boneless chicken farm”)

  12. [re=64109]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: My wife I have the unique misfortune to live in Charleston, West Virginia (don’t ask), but have a blast counting the rising numbers of “Rascal gangs” that motor around town with cans of Milwaukee’s Best and cartons of off-brand cigarettes sitting in the scooter baskets.

  13. [re=64131]Doglessliberal[/re]: “to date myself” – I believe self-dating is also the wave of the future, as more and more Americans become neither attractive enough to get dates nor ambulatory enough to actually go anywhere…

  14. That guy in the pic is like channeling Orson Welles!! BTW, always love those lardo-America stories that start off: “New statistics suggest that 50% of Americans are fatter than average.” Ya think?? And what percentage are taller than average, Einstein??

  15. [re=64166]Sweetie[/re]: But there are nice places in WVA. I can’t speak to Charleston, but I know Shepherdstown is a great place. And Harper’s Ferry. (And what is up with that name? Do they do that just to confuse directionally-challenged people like me who mix up Charles Town, WVA and Charleston, SC, and Charleston, WVA? If you put me in a car and told me to come to your house, I would probably end up in SC)

  16. I am 5’11” and 160 so I, along with [re=64107]pinko-commie[/re], am doing my part to offset the statistics. A little. Portion control, indeed. Bite me. :p

  17. No shit. If you take the train, and have a minute to spare, take a minute and look out the window as people huff it through the station.
    God…seriously….7 out of 10 people are straight up fat-asses. While portion control and exercise (or lack thereof) are certainly contributing factors to American lardlyness, there are a ton of diet programs available on the market that do not work.
    And when people eventually quit them, they get even fatter.
    Yo-Yo dieting leads to Michelin Man syndrome.
    It’s gonna cost the American economy billions and billions of dollars more than the billions and billions of dollars it already costs us.
    We got 9 year olds on cholesterol meds. No shit.

  18. [re=64131]Doglessliberal[/re]: sweetjebus I love that cartoon! That and the big eye in the review mirror that says “Objects are closer than they appear”

  19. [re=64174]VomitComit[/re]: Eh, I’ve lived in Portland, Ore., D.C., and NYC so I feel like I’ve seen enough of the fun stuff. Besides, my job is too much fun to pass up.

    [re=64186]Doglessliberal[/re]: West Virginia isn’t as bad as most people think. There are five or six really, REALLY bad counties in the south of the state, but the rest is actually rather nice, if a bit poor.

  20. [re=64200]pondscum[/re]: and the open dryer with the sign taped to it that says “Cat fud” with an arrow pointing in, and the dog hiding behind the door waiting for the cat?

    Sigh. Larsen and Watterson were geniuses.

  21. [re=64193]MoodProcessor[/re]: I love that you think that there are millions of Americans that try to diet (and THAT’S why they are fat). I have a sneaky suspicion that there are millions of Americans that down their HoHos and six-packs without thinking twice about dieting, and then – during commerical breaks when they actually may form a thought or two — blame their fatness on genetics.

    Aren’t you proud to be an American? The nation that brought the world DIET DOG FOOD!!

  22. Did they put one Huckabee in each state? Or did one of the boys straddle a border and get counted in two states? That’s not representative sampling I can believe in!

  23. [re=64215]Doglessliberal[/re]: I laughed, and then vurped a little…although I do take joy in watching the South turn red first, like a flushed fat guy walking 10 feet.

  24. Thirding the portion control idea. Just because burgers, fries, and a soda are suggested doesn’t mean you need all 3. Plus, I think that only 15% (hyperbole?) of Americans can understand nutrition labeling. We are fat because we are dumb. To lift from Doug Stanhope, “They can have universal healthcare in Europe because they have bicycles and they use them.”

    [re=64203]Sweetie[/re]: I grew up in West Virginia and, while I can attest that it’s gorgeous there, It’s just such a deeply ignorant place that I can’t imagine going back for more than a few days at a time. It’s like Texas in that it has a few bright spots (Eastern Panhandle, some of the stuff around the New River Gorge) but that’s not the same thing as actually being a good place to live. I feel way safer wandering sketchy parts of LA at night than I do going to a mall in West Virginia because I feel like LA is at least an honest, logical monster while West Virginia might just drag you to death for “talkin’ like a fag.” or whatever. Maybe that’s tinted by growing up in a relativeley small town (17k) in one of those godawful southern counties… they need more hoosane!

  25. [re=64240]pinko-commie[/re]: if you haven’t, you should rent Super Size Me. It is a great demonstration of how eating a “normal” American diet makes you rotund.

    [re=64245]loudmouthredhead[/re]: my Georgian great aunt’s cheese grits, served with fried chicken, involved 1 lb cheddar, 1 lb some other kind of blander cheese, 1 quart half and half, 8 eggs, and 2 sticks butter. There were some grits involved, too, maybe. The dessert was her peach cobbler, which involved 4 sticks of melted butter and was served with whipped cream. Salad was served, but it had thick sour cream and bacon dressing. Any one of them would have been good in a small portion served with something light and acidic to cut the richness, but they were all served in huge portion and together. Oh, and with sweet tea. Just too much for the taste buds. After a few bites, the fat % overwhelms, and you lose a lot of flavor. Balance is a good thing.

  26. I grew up in WV and fat in all its glorious varieties is a food group; very similar to the Mexican food I now experience in LA. Beans are suppose to be healthy, right??

    I love the genetics excuse. Being in academic research I have worked with several internationals. Typically they arrive all fresh faced and skinny but after a few months they invariably adopt our habits, begin binging on our best cuisine and pack on the pounds. Then get ridiculed when they visit their families.

  27. Forget October surprise, the real suprise will come on Electio Day, when half the South will realize it can’t be assed to drive to the polls because fuck it, it’s to much work to get out of the damn armchair.

  28. It’s not just the fatty foods, though they certainly don’t help. France basically lives on carbs and fat. As a plannerd (see what I did there!), I must also blame the way our post-automobile cities are laid out. Like someone up there said, in Europe they walk and bike and stuff. In many poor areas, the corner stores have fried processed crap, but no produce, and there’s no grocery store in walking distance.

    And it isn’t only because we’re dumb, a lot of people have shitty work schedules because we don’t have the awesome labor stuff other countries do. Dudes in France are working like 35 hour weeks. That leaves lots of time to cook delicious whole meals and walk to and fro, rather than gulping down a happy meal and booking it in the Rover from your 10 hour day to your kid’s soccer/oboe/UFC practice. This leads not only to fatness but also a lack of civic participation, methinks.

  29. [re=64203]Sweetie[/re]: A few bad counties? Are you sure you don’t have that reversed? I grew up in Charleston, the ‘big civilized city’ in the state, and the place bored me to tears. The only people who stay in WV after high school are those who didn’t get a good enough education to afford to leave the state. Government jobs might pay semi-decently, but seriously, it’s in West Virginia. The elderly population dwarfs any youth that might be remaining in the state, so the entire place feels like a retirement home. This state economy is non-existent at this point. They *cannot* keep their education workforce instate. It’s too easy to walk outside the border and get paid double for the same job.

    Also, you can’t count the Eastern Panhandle, as that is just WV on the map. In reality, it’s where people in Maryland and Virginia move when they want cheap land that’s not-too-far from DC.

  30. As my southern brethren can tell you, it’s our right to be as fat as we want. How else can we compete with them there Mexicans coming over the border and having all them babies. I figure 1 in 3 babies concepted through inbreeding are born normal, so the only way we can keep up is by sheer body mass. We may not be the majority come 2042, but we whites are determined to remain the largest segment of the population no matter what. Ain’t nothing more American than Mom and Frito Pie.

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