NERD WAR  10:56 am August 20, 2008

Begun This Political Blog War Over Dungeons & Dragons Has

by Jim Newell

Michael Goldfarb is starting a war, on the Internet! Do you know who Michael Goldfarb is? He’s this cocksucker who recently took a leave of absence from Bill Kristol’s Weekly Standard, where he was online editor, in order to serve on the McCain communications team. He writes a blog on JohnMcCain.com called the McCain Report. It is awful. And a couple of days ago — for the second time this month! — he referred to people at Daily Kos and other liberal outlets as Dungeons & Dragons nerds. And now everyone is freaking and making tee shirts because why not.

Here’s what Goldfarb wrote on August 1 in response to a hilarious New York Times editorial board mid-afternoon blog freakout about how John McCain is an asshole:

But in their new role as bloggers, the paper’s editors seem to have all the intelligence and reason of the average Daily Kos diarist sitting at home in his mother’s basement and ranting into the ether between games of dungeons and dragons.

Again, this is a full-time blogger for the McCain campaign accusing part-time bloggers — editorial board members of a major American newspaper, no less — of being losers.

And a couple of days ago, Goldfarb wrote this in response to the Daily Kos-promoted rumor that John McCain stole his Cross In The Dirt story from dead Alexander Solzhenitsyn:

It may be typical of the pro-Obama Dungeons & Dragons crowd to disparage a fellow countryman’s memory of war from the comfort of mom’s basement, but most Americans have the humility and gratitude to respect and learn from the memories of men who suffered on behalf of others.

TIME TO MAKE TEE SHIRTS.

“Amateurs,” the Paultards shout from a distance.

Smears The Left Can Fight For [McCain Report]
McCain’s blogger rips bloggers ‘sitting in mother’s basement, ranting into the ether.’ [Think Progress]
Pro-Obama Dungeons and Dragons Crowd [Red Bubble]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 58 comments }

mbprice August 20, 2008 at 11:01 am

You’ve got to hand it to the Republicans, they know how to find a talking point and stick to it, no matter how inane.

Now I’m wondering if they’re the source of all internet memes? Did they invent LOLcats just to piss everyone off? Was Star Wars Kid just a Bush administration diversionary tactic? Et tu, All Your Base??

Gopherit v2.0 August 20, 2008 at 11:02 am

You know, you’re really going to piss off the D&D nerds by using a nerdy Star Wars-esque quote to make fun of them. Those guys rumble all the time.

4tehlulz August 20, 2008 at 11:02 am

Ironically, Mr. Goldfarb was typing this in his mother’s basement.

shortsshortsshorts August 20, 2008 at 11:03 am

Oh fuck… my mom just came downstairs… shit I will be in trouble! Maybe I’ll go get some more Doritos and 7-up.
Fuck this guy. If there is a blog, it needs to be destroyed. GATHER SOLDIERS of Dungeons and Dragons!

Sussemilch August 20, 2008 at 11:05 am

Warcraft nerd – guilty. And two of my guild members (including my main tank) are being redeployed to Iraq this month.

SayItWithWookies August 20, 2008 at 11:06 am

“Between games of Dungeons and Dragons?” Obviously Goldiefarb has no idea what he’s talking about. Just to clarify, Mr. Goldfarb, D&D games can last for weeks or months. We blog between sessions. And someone’s gonna get whacked upside the head with a bag of 12-sided dice.

4tehlulz August 20, 2008 at 11:07 am

[re=63769]Sussemilch[/re]: Their mothers’ basements are in Iraq?

Hart88 August 20, 2008 at 11:07 am

Must be related to Dan Gerstein.

MoodProcessor August 20, 2008 at 11:11 am

Hey, wait a second.
This is just straight up fucking plagiarism.
He obvs stalked Wonketteers throughout the entire War on Paultards.
Wait till next week, when he mentions Obamatons and their various Cheeto Stained Appendages.

Michael Goldfarb prefers Cheeto flavoured cocks. In his mouth.

V572625694 August 20, 2008 at 11:11 am

Is this the same honey-voiced Michael Goldfarb who was an NPR superstar “reporting” from England for years and years? Or is it that other Michael Goldfarb who was the subject of a bore-ass story on NPR about how he was constantly getting mixed up with the “real” Michael Goldfarb?

Who cares? Subject them both to a DOS pingstorm immediately!

grendel August 20, 2008 at 11:11 am

This guy’s a level 12 douche with keyboard +2 for ad hominem

ManchuCandidate August 20, 2008 at 11:11 am

I just rolled two D8 dice and got a 14. No saving hit roll for you! That means my snark monster just whipped Goldfarb’s paladin and threw him into the pit of irrelevance.

I may have played DnD as a geeky teenager, but I don’t base my entire foreign policy or political views on it. From what I’ve read on the NRO, it seems you guys haven’t gotten over getting whipped at Risk by Johnny’s halfwitted brother. One day, you might to get to hold EurAsia and get 7 free Armies next turn.

freakishlystrong August 20, 2008 at 11:12 am

Somebody has been listening to Morning Joe..although it’s “Cheetos” in his scenario…

grendel August 20, 2008 at 11:12 am

I want a T-Shirt that says “Five and a half years, Allan!”

4tehlulz August 20, 2008 at 11:17 am

[re=63776]MoodProcessor[/re]: I’m glad you clarified that at the end, because I was thinking he liked his cocks with fava beans and a nice chianti.

superfecta August 20, 2008 at 11:19 am

Don’t they know all the cool kids are playing things like Kobolds Ate My Baby? How else can we tell who is a secret abortionist?

BillyClubb August 20, 2008 at 11:21 am

Thankfully, I have no experience whatsoever with Dungeons & Dragons.
Being out of style never felt so good…

Voyou Charmant August 20, 2008 at 11:21 am

Rap Music, I’ll bet.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 20, 2008 at 11:21 am

Given how many D&D nerds are middle aged now, this just shows again how terribly, terribly old McCain is.

Strictly for the Tardcore August 20, 2008 at 11:22 am

[re=63782]grendel[/re]: Seconded.

Servo August 20, 2008 at 11:23 am

It seems that the grand scheme of the GOP Dungeon Masters is that we will ALL live in our parents’ basement and not be able to finance a Big Mac.

Crow T. Robot August 20, 2008 at 11:25 am

Wait a minute…I know this Goldfarb guy…we were sitting in a limo out in front of some club, just doin’ a little blow, ya know…and we got kinda excited. &, well, he kinda asked me if I could DM for him for a little while, ya know?

& I didn’t have anything ready so I just started running him through this dungeon from memory that I remember from the night I drank 19 sodas–boy was he pissed when the sturges fell on his head and drained him dry. That was after he “accidentally” stuck his hand in the gelatinous cube.

What a maroon.

Really stupid too–second level magic user running around a dungeon by himself, I mean, c’mon?

edgydrifter August 20, 2008 at 11:27 am

Like Allan Zinyk said, “Well, hey, I didn’t spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.”

FIVE AND A HALF LEVELS, GOLDFARB! FIVE AND A HALF LEVELS!

LBOtomist August 20, 2008 at 11:29 am

Dammit, Jim. Why did you post this nonsense? Now I am tempted to respond to some dumb fucking thing some dumb fucking nobody named “Michael Goldfarb” said. Guy’s resume, as far as I can tell, is 1) history major at Princeton (with “a concentration in war, revolution and the state”) and 2) sucking Bill Kristol’s flaccid cock in a series of make work positions. Why the fuck are we supposed to give a shit about his inane and horribly dated insults?

columnv August 20, 2008 at 11:32 am

five and a half douches.

dano August 20, 2008 at 11:32 am

Leave it to someone in the McCain campaign to reference a game that peaked 25 years ago. What did Goldfarb say next? Was it “up your nose with a rubber hose” ?

Strangefellow August 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

What!

Oooh, as soon as I get my paragon tier powers, it’s on.

Anonymous Office Zombie August 20, 2008 at 11:35 am

Ummmm… D&D nerds usually are intelligent and have above average reasoning skills. Their problem isn’t low intelligence, it’s their low charisma.

Also, what’s up with slams at least 20 years out-of-date? Is Goldfarb’s next post going to rip on liberal bloggers for playing Atari and solving their Rubik’s Cubes?

jon August 20, 2008 at 11:37 am

i went to high school with that dude!

dano August 20, 2008 at 11:39 am

[re=63820]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Yeah. Next Goldfarb will say the the bloggers in question are using TRS-80 Model II computers and drinking TAB.

Servo August 20, 2008 at 11:42 am

I expected it to be done with Klingon font.

kinginyellow August 20, 2008 at 11:43 am

Would you believe, the dragon art Jim Newell picked is from right-wing D&D artist Larry Elmore, who also drew a comic about “an underground group of bio-mechanically enhanced conservatives led by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North to thwart Ambassador Usama Bin Laden’s plans to nuke New York City …And wake the world from an Orwellian nightmare of United Nations- dominated ultra-liberalism.”

JadedDIssonance August 20, 2008 at 11:44 am

[re=63782]grendel[/re]: I would pay for one…just one.

regisgoat August 20, 2008 at 11:46 am

So, shilling for McCain means his career as a journalist is over, yes? Ha, just kidding, that was an old media question.

Doglessliberal August 20, 2008 at 11:48 am

[re=63779]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I was just saying the other day to my husband that the entire foreign policy of this Admin seems to be a game of Risk, which made sense, as the government is run by morans whose mental and emotional lives seemed to be arrested at age 14, maybe 17 on a good day.

jagorev August 20, 2008 at 11:50 am

I have never played D&D, and I am totally gay for Obama. HOW DO YOU LABEL ME NOW, GOLDFARB??

KittyKatMan August 20, 2008 at 11:50 am

The rightwingers will have to pry my Fiend Folio from my cold dead hands.

Hooray For Anything August 20, 2008 at 11:58 am

Wait, I thought Obama supporters were a bunch of arugula eating, late sipping, gay loving elitists. Now we’re D&D geeks? Make up your minds, people.

GlennBecksTaint August 20, 2008 at 11:59 am

KILL THE ORCS! SLAY THE ORCS! DESTROY THE ORCS!!!!!

ManchuCandidate August 20, 2008 at 12:00 pm

[re=63837]Doglessliberal[/re]:
It’s not seems. It is. The whole admin seems to think that military affairs is a matter of getting enough counters and rolling dice not getting the whole human psychology, leadership, transportation, logistics and economic cost thing. I used to play wargames with guys like Mikey Goldfarb (geek geek geek, I know) but I stopped because they were assholes who loved slaughter and playing pompous general than actually studying conflict. It was funny because a lot of them believed without a doubt that they were strategic geniuzes and that most of them were out of shape, less charisma than myself and couldn’t lead a pack of horny boy scouts to a free whorehouse.

WhatTheHeck August 20, 2008 at 12:06 pm

So the neocon take-over of the McCain campaign is now complete.
These jerks are so predictable.

KevoTron August 20, 2008 at 12:06 pm

[re=63820]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Yes, when GOP hacks start parroting internet memes from five years ago it’s time to move on.

I decree that “drives his Dad’s ’88 Tercel” is the new “lives in his Mom’s basement.” Agreed?

toastandlove August 20, 2008 at 12:19 pm

YOU HAVE ANGERED PRO-OBAMA DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CROWD
CROWD RUSHES TO FURIOUSLY BLOG ABOUT YOU
-5 CHARISMA
+3 AGGRESSIVENESS
ROLL FOR DAMAGE

Doglessliberal August 20, 2008 at 12:29 pm

[re=63852]ManchuCandidate[/re]: And they miss the fact that the US is a country that started with a blank slate and the same type of people (white, landowning males) in charge, with generally the same goals, who then created a system from whole cloth. Despite being a pretty good system, we still had a Civil war and oppression and crushed civil rights, etc for years afterwards (and still do to some extent). But we had a brand new canvass where you could create a democracy. You cannot, however, impose a democracy on countries where Shi’a and Sunni have been at each other’s throats since 650 AD, and people weep in the streets for fallen martyrs who died 1400 years ago. You cannot impose our system on anyone else, really. But despite that, we keep trying. And people die, and our budget for things like, say building bridges here or conserving land via the National Park Service dries up.

But hey, I heard on NPR this a.m. that the trains are running in Baghdad, so all is good. Right?

OK, enough serious stuff. Are the half-elves for Obama?

snig August 20, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Someone’s been sucking too many lead figurines. Out of touch. WOW has subsumed the would be D&D players of my youth. Half of whom were Republicans anyway. ChickenHawks playing war games with real lives shouldn’t go pointing any figures. When my party lost the initiative and blew saves, no one REALLY died…

Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location? His mothers basement, playing D&D.

LittlePig August 20, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Given that all McCain’s supporters are either sociopaths or people old enough to remember Moses bringing the tablets down Mount Sinai, I gotta ask: Who the hell is writing the blog for?

McCain supporters have just recently mastered the telephone. You’re telling me now they read blogs? On a computer?

Sorry, that’s not ch-ch-change I can believe in.

Smackdown August 20, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Boy, that’s a crappy t-shirt design. Clearly not actually designed by pro-Obama Dungeons and Dragons nerds.

Everyone knows that you would have a picture of a 20 sided dice with a HOPE critical hit.

Miller August 20, 2008 at 1:18 pm

If those D&D SOB’s rolled a 20 on response or vindictiveness, McCain could have been in real trouble.

Though out of all the groups McCain offended and insulted, what make the D&D crowd so great that he stops shaking his fist at clouds long enough to apologize instead of forcefully insisting they misunderstood a clear statement?

http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/2008/08/mccain-campaign-shamed-by-wizards-and.html

snig August 20, 2008 at 1:26 pm

I have this image of Brokaw anchoring the election returns:

“And we’re seeing an overwhelming turnout of D&D players who were riled up by Michael Goldfarb’s cruel comments. They’re definitely helping Obama in the Geek states…”

The Brothman Prophecy August 20, 2008 at 1:38 pm

barry’s alignment: chaotic sexy

Michael Bauser August 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm

I saw a Super Obama t-shirt at Gen Con Indy last week.

Which is my way of confessing that I’m totally the guy Goldfarb is talking about, and I want a t-shirt of Obama dressed as Aragorn (although the ladies would probably prefer to see him as Conan, I guess).

Doglessliberal August 20, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=64225]Michael Bauser[/re]: I want to see him as the sexysex Batman that Wonkette keeps posting pics of.

Dr. Spaceman August 21, 2008 at 12:01 am

[re=63826]dano[/re]: They sell TAB at Vons.

freppish August 21, 2008 at 4:55 am

i hope all the D&D playing republicans get insulted and vote obama

Sabre_Justice August 21, 2008 at 5:15 am

Everybody, to the conventions.

Bring your axes.

Sabre_Justice August 21, 2008 at 5:17 am

Someone rolled a natural 1 on their Blog check.

tender August 21, 2008 at 5:30 am

Critical miss, Johnny-boy.

I really need to make one of those D20 HOPE t-shirts.

Godot August 21, 2008 at 9:59 am

I would pay for a “Tieflings for Obama” T-shirt.

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