Wonkette
Guess who still needs your money, for her campaign debt? That’s right, it’s America’s First Lady Hillary Clinton, and the latest stunt comes in the form of an email from Bill, in which he mentions that Reverend Jackson also won South Carolina. Let’s all give Hillary more money and then maybe we’ll win a trip to Denver to see her, in person, and then Bill will come over and ruin it somehow, possibly by having sex with you.
Here’s the thrilling email in its entirety:
Dear Sandy,
I have played so many roles at so many Democratic National Conventions. I’ve been there as a campaign worker, a governor, a keynote speaker, a nominee, a president, and a former president.
But no convention is quite like your first. There is nothing like seeing for the first time so many people in one place working toward one common purpose: electing the next Democratic president.
It’s an inspiration, and you don’t want to miss it if you have a chance. So I hope you’ll take Hillary up on her offer and contribute by midnight tonight for a chance to attend the Denver convention in person. You’ll get to see Hillary speak on Tuesday, and Barack Obama — the next president of the United States — on Thursday.
And I hear Hillary and you will have a chat — I’ll make sure to stop by.
Enter before midnight tonight for a chance to see me, Hillary, and Barack Obama at the convention in Denver next week!
Join Hillary in Denver. Contribute today.
I know you’ve always been there for Hillary, and she needs you now as she works to pay the small vendors who helped us during the campaign. Hillary’s not going to stop fighting for the issues we all care so much about, and she’s going to need you all the way.
And if you contribute before the midnight deadline, you might have the chance to join Hillary and me in Denver next week for a truly exciting and historic convention. You’re going to get to see an amazing display of Democratic unity in person — you don’t want to miss it.
Contribute before midnight tonight for a chance to join me and Hillary in Denver next week.
Thanks for all the support and help you’ve shown to Hillary. I can tell you that it means the world to her.
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
I’ve canceled the Clinton emails three times now, and I still get them.
A much more effective fund-raising pitch would have been: “Give Hillary $100 or I swear we’re both going to come up and talk to you at the convention, and I might just stick my cigar down your pants, then shove it in my disgusting maw of a mouth and mumble, “Mmmmm, tastes good!”
How much does she still need, anyway? This is getting ridiculous.
The trip comes complete with a 3 hour hypnotherapy session and a high powered sniper rifle with laser sight.
So I hope you’ll take Hillary up on her offer and contribute by midnight tonight…
Please tell me this e-mail was sent out weeks ago.
The Clinton’s never passed by a buffet line or a free sandwich in the bar they did not like. Note to Hillary spend your own money to pay your debt.
I once registered at Hillary’s site so I could say something nasty, and now they spam me all the time for money. Don’t they still have 80 mil left over?
“And I hear Hillary and you will have a chat”
What kind of vague non-promise is that? I’d trust an emailing Nigerian banker more than that.
InsidiousTuna: Me too. They all go into the “spam” box though, which saves from having to look at them.
I’m all about the McCain e-mails now:
Subject: Join McCain in ____________.
To: Sad sap.
MESSAGE:
“John Mccain es cuming 2 yer toun! U shuud b der 2 help an’d wee luv u!”
She’s the political Tanya Harding, for chrissakes!
“And I hear Hillary and you will have a chat — I’ll make sure to stop by. Also, I promise not to finger you or anything like that… unless you want me to… or whatever, it’s totally cool either way.” *bites lip, nods head knowingly, points with thumb*
And I hear Hillary and you will have a chat — I’ll make sure to stop by.
Why does this sound like a threat, rather than a reward? I can think of no scenario more awkward that does not involve drunk relatives.
“Enter before midnight tonight for a chance to see me, Hillary, and Barack Obama at the convention in Denver next week!”
Look at that placement, very telling; ME, Hillary and then poor lil’ Barack, how arrogant!
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez:
They don’t want to have to explain that money’s origin.
Hey Bill, if the Do Not Disturb sign is on the door, maybe we’ll just see ya at breakfast.
What’s with all the “midnight tonight” stuff? Is there some sort of ticking bomb, ransom deadline, or werewolf issue I need worry about?
Liberty: Could you please try to be more succinct?
Liberty: I agree.
About the only thing more frightening than being trapped in a public policy conversation with both Clintons at once would be being the middle person in an American Apparel Essentials x3 cuddle sandwich with both Clintons at once. Just trying to imagine them both in pastel undies and stripy-top socks is enough to make me run screaming into the night.
Discarded first drafts:
Send $100 by midnight, or Chelsea gets it.
Actually, we need the hundred by 10 p.m., because Hils may have to beg for it at shift-change on the night shift.
Sorry, we need the hundred right now so Hillary won’t have to sell her body on the street. I can tell you from long experience, you don’t want to see that.
It’s an interesting marketing strategy: ‘come for the loser, stay for the winner, but don’t forget which one set you up with a room at the Econo Suite’. Oh, and by the way, could you bring back the little soaps for Bill?
Also, I don’t get the emphasis on the midnight deadline. If it’s so important, you should refer to it as the ‘witching hour’. That’s how you create urgency!
No mention of Chels. Bummer.
…the irony the whole situation is her miscalculation that her voters would remain loyal to her beyond her losing the nomination. Not only have the majority of them coalesced around Barack Obama but they have also rejected the political divisiveness of the primary. This is the reason why so few people are donating to her decomposing campaign. She decided to gamble by taking this whole debacle as far as she had, figuring that her personal aspirations are bigger than the party itself. Now she is forced to eat crow and prostrate just to get her campaign debt paid. I know I have said this before but she put herself in this situation and she should get herself out of it.
In all seriousness, doesn’t “pay us money and you might have a chance to win something” equal gambling? It would be pretty awesome to see Bill and Hill hauled away for a numbers racket, except I think that Hopey did the same thing when he offered donors a chance to be backstage at the big Denver superrally.
Terrific. The Clintons coming to my room to empty my mini-bar. Too depressing to think about.
Must Bill’s emails be so super creepy? He’s like an old boyfriend who you’re kind of ashamed to have ever dated who still sidles up to you at parties and whispers suggestive things in your ear. Shudder.
How is it possible for an ex-president to come off like such a smarmy piece of pandering shit?
AngryBlakGuy: Excuse me, ABG, but there was nothing funny or snarky in your post. Are we having a bad day? Does someone need a hug?
weirdiowasculpture: …yeah, Im down here in Miami and I just came from putting my hurricane shutters up in a down pour. Dont worry, when the alcohol kicks in the snark level will increase.
AngryBlakGuy: In that case, all is forgiven. Stay indoors and have many mixed drinks. When the hurricane gets there, we expect lots of blow job jokes.
This email was distributed by The Department Of Redundancy Department.
“no convention is quite like your first”
eeeeewwwwwwwwww
Bill, your thinly veiled references to taking the virginity of minors is just too much for me. I don’t want to hear about what you do in your spare time. Or about how many 16 year old campaign volunteers you fingered back back in 1993
Who wants to cover my bar tab? Send me $100 and you might win round-trip tickets to spend three days in beautiful Erie, Pennsylvania.
Enter as often as you like. Winners will be announced somewhere.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: How is it not?
“I’m Gerald Ford, and boy, these old golf balls need a polishin’. In yer vag.”
Maybe it she’d promise to go away forever, I could cough up a $20.
jfruh: True, but there is a link to enter without contributing, which means of course that Mr. Truck Nutz is about to enter 10,000 times in a row.
darbyogill: from the Secretary of Failure himself.
You’re going to get to see an amazing display of Democratic unity in person — you don’t want to miss it.
Ah, the sweet taste of ironic foreboding is in the air.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: I would argue that our current president comes off like a smarmy piece of pandering shit.
Statistically speaking, if you really wanted to go to Denver, since there will only be three people donating, that crazy cat lady from New York from the DNC Credential Meeting, Lady Fancypants British Aristocracy who called Obama ungracious, and my 68 yr. old lesbian neighbors, you probably have a really good change of winning this one
Ahh but like all great giveaways, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY!! From the official rules:
Making a contribution will not improve your chances of winning. To enter without making a contribution, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope with name, address and phone number to: Convention with Hillary Contest, 4420 North Fairfax Drive, Arlington, VA 22203, e-mail convention@hillaryclinton.com or go to http://www.hillaryclinton.com/action/dnccontest/.
“I have played so many roles at so many Democratic National Conventions. I’ve been there as a campaign worker, a governor, a keynote speaker, a nominee, a president, and a former president.”
That’s Bill, a playa. And Barry is a playa hater! Shame on him for making Bill address the convention alongside his good friend (and former college roommate) Jesse Jackson, simultaneously.
How much would you pay for a ride in the back seat with my old lady? Don’t tell me yet because for a limited time only, I’ll throw in this set of Ginsu knives. These amazing blades can cut through solid steel and never need sharpening. Like a Ginsu knife, Hillary is ready from day one, and she will cut you. Bitches.
When she had to put in her own money because people were unwilling to donate enough, wasn’t it a sign that she was going to lose?
obfuscator: +9,000 Whore Diamods to you for that one.
Don’t the words “sincerely” and “Bill Clinton” look unnatural next to each other?
Dear Sandy,
My wife blew 10 million of my dollars and I want it back. She said she would get Obama to pay for it by threatening him with an angry army of post menopausal supporters. But many of those women have warmed to the taboo idea of a young, fit black man and started supporting him anyway. Now Obama has snubbed Hillary just like Jesse Jackson did with his staffer/mistress after he knocked her up.
Now if I don’t get my money, I’m going to tell everyone at the convention how cheap you are and that you and Barack Obama don’t care about the Democratic Party… by Democratic Party I mean me and Hillary.
So please send your check today… made out to cash.
P.S. Feel free to include your measurements and a photo of yourself. Unless you’re a dude like Sandy Berger.
“You’re going to get to see an amazing display of Democratic unity in person.” Does that mean a threesome? With Obama?