Wonkette
Let’s review the list of people who will not be Barack Obama’s running mate: Hillary Clinton, because she would poison him; Jack Reed, because he isn’t interested; Tim Kaine, because of the eyebrows; and Joan Allen, because of her rumored college sex orgy. Now there is only one human left on the planet who meets Barack Obama’s stringent requirements of gravitas, foreign policy chops, and hair plugs…
It’s Joe Biden!
Biden has been in office for 400 zillion years serving the pirate state of Delaware. He ran fairly convincingly for president once before he was felled by a plagiarism scandal that people would probably just yawn at today and be like, “Get back to us when you have a half dozen illegitimate children, a couple felony convictions, and an underage boyfriend in Cuba.” Yes, his hairline has grown suspiciously more lush with age, and yes, he does have a tendency to run on sometimes, but he also has a decent sense of humor and seems like an OK dude.
We mention this because when Barack Obama sends you a sexy text message this week saying, “I LOLZ JOE BIDEN,” you will not be so shocked.
Obama VP buzz squarely on Biden [Political Ticker]
Plus he can counter the Bradley effect with a speech on how clean and articulate Obama is.
Abigail Fillmore! That’s a slutty tramp we can believe in.
Meh, I think it’s Jack Reed. Though I’d love Joe Biden, up until the moment he says something idiotic, which will probably be approximately three days after the convention. I find his gaffes kind of endearing now; I won’t when they lose the election.
Fuck Delaware. It is the single most loathsome state in the union.
Also, if Biden is picked, McCain should SO pick Jindal so he can get all offended when someone brings up Biden’s Dunkin’ Donuts joke.
I like Biden. This is good.
And also, didn’t Biden have a wife & child that died? (I think so but am too lazy to Wikipedia him.) So anytime, Noun/Verb/POW pops up, Biden can bitch slap him with ‘dead family members trump broken arms’. Morbid, yes, but so is politics.
Harvey Birdman:
My irony meter just went RED.
It could be that Joe Biden is VEEP because he is clean (unlike Johnny Mill or PUMA One) and articulate.
All Obama needs to say is that Joe’s also a credit to his race and then the Gordion Loop of Irony would be complete.
Where’s our NotUrEvryDayWEzl to weigh in on the eyebrow declaration?
Ah, Biden. Where was that special farm for foot-in-mouth disease? I don’t see it tagged up there.
He should totally pick McCain. That way if McCain gets more votes he can say, “Well, those were, like, vice president votes, so I win and get to order him to get my dry-cleaning.”
Joe has too many credentials.
This country does not ever want a person with that experience as v.p.
jagorev: Spoken like someone who has never been to Alabama.
jagorev: No way, I can think of at least 16 more loathsome states. Especially Florida. Not even for any political reasons (although God knows it sucks in that respect). Just because it’s Florida.
Texan Bulldoggette: Wife and infant daughter died in car crash in 1972. Yesh.
More interestingly, he was born in Scranton, PA, and proud of his Irish-Catholic-DrunkenHobo-Steelworking heritage. Also, he had secret buttsecs with Hillary, which gets the bitter vote.
Damn, I was hoping Sam Eagle would get the nod. There’s some postmodernist beauty of electing an actual puppet as VP after 8 years of a metaphorical puppet in power.
I can live with this.
eatsshootsleaves: Read the Chait article SKS linked above:
http://faculty.msb.edu/murphydd/CRIC/Readings/Delaware-TNR02.htm
Did Hopey clear this with Neil Kinnock first? Because Jumpin’ Joe Biden-my-time can’t do anything that Neil ain’t already done first….
As for me, I’d love to see Hopey pick Max Cleland.
“Senator McCain, I see your POW experience and raise you a multiple amputee war hero.”
WALNUTS!’s head explodes in 3…2…
eatsshootsleaves: Arkansas is also really terrible. Everybody’s morbidly obese and butt-ugly, plus they’re all related, and the place is overrun with tour buses on their way to Branson. And don’t even get me started on Oklahoma. Delaware is like one big giant 24/7 orgasm compared to Oklahoma.
Sean O: Hopefully, he’d take to inspecting our Navy’s liferafts, and determine which ones were safe and unsafe.
and biden can give a great national security speech that says, “we have nothing to fear but fear itself” or some other original line he totally wrote himself.
[i]Now there is only one human left on the planet who meets Barack Obama’s stringent requirements of gravitas, foreign policy chops, and hair plugs…[/i]
i thought you were going to say andrea mitchell
guerilla-nation: Yeah, except remember when Obama and McCain totally plagiarized and everyone just kind of went “meh?”
eatsshootsleaves: Oklahoma is basically a thin crust of pus and jism floating on a sea of vomit mixed with wet diarrhea. The state motto is: “48th Biggest Piece of Shit in the Nation,” and the state song is “At Least We’re Not Arkansas or Alabama.” The state flower is the Turd-Blossom, and the state animal is the maggot.
Obama/Biden. It does have a handy alliterative ring to it. It actually sounds like one word. Not a ‘Murekin sounding word, but you can’t have everything.
I totally had Biden booked for S.O.S.
Though he could provide some comic relief over the next few months.
According to Wikipedia, Biden’s middle name is “Robinette”. Do we really want a VP named after a third-tier 60s girl group? Wake up, America.
Biden Dem VP candidate + Mittens GOP VP candidate = unending stream of hilarity that will make Wonkette rich.
jagorev: Nah, Mississippi is the most loathsome state, followed closely by all of the square states in the middle of the map.
I dunno, I like Biden, but think he’s sometimes a little too loose-cannon-y with his pie hole.
I’m still holding out for Edwards, just as a final “Suck my balls!”, to the fading religious Right…
yellowdogdem: Screw you, Colorado is awesome!
weirdiowasculpture: Alaska is filled with illiterate lumberjacks as insecure about their own Americanness as they are about their sexuality. South Carolina has the smallest average penis size of any state in the country. Massachusetts somehow elected Mitt Romney. Etc. etc. the list goes on. Really, there’s only about five good states, and that’s only if you count D.C.
jagorev: Colorado’s off center. He was talking about Kansas and Nebraska and all that shit.
I like Biden, but Team Hope better keep a muzzle on him, he’s prone to saying some hilarious stuff that will most likely hinder their chances of success rather than facilitate them.
But he sure makes for great Teevee!
Shhhhh, don’t tell anyone, but Biden’s actually the guy I secretly most wanted to win the nomination, even though I knew he didn’t stand a chance in Hell. Not that I don’t love Hopey. I love Hopey. Love him a lot. But Biden just seems to know his shit better than almost anyone in DC.
Biden vs. Huckabee in the VP debate would be the best thing to happen this entire fucking election cycle.
Do it Hopey and WALNUTS. DO IT
weirdiowasculpture: and you wonder why slim slack wont converse with you.
Madeline: “Robinette?” OMG, that’s French! Not to mention feminine! Hopey might as well pick Carla Bruni.
Serolf Divad: Biden just seems to know his shit better than almost anyone in DC.
And he gives great talkshow. I’ve always liked Biden and Richardson for their brains, despite the slight hubris problems. Biden is the kind of guy who won’t get penalized for being smart; unlike Gore and maybe to a lesser degree, Kerry.
Delaware sucks, but I will say this about the place: It was very easy for me and my 16-year-old friends to drive someone’s 1984 Datsun across the state line to buy nitrous oxide tanks. To this day, I just assume half the residents there are hardcore huffers.
weirdiowasculpture:
South Carolina is hellish in every way. Racist, fat, fake Christian, war-mongering, violent, backward idiots. Just a state full of complete dickwads, save for the fairly cool city of Charleston and some less-developed sea islands.
Finally, I live to see the day the Veep is a ‘Token white man’
Serolf Divad: Biden or Richardson was my second choice. I always have liked Biden, but he’s just not as good at being a politician as Obama is. Of course, that will be true of anyone Obama picks.
I’d like Biden a lot better if he hadn’t sided with the credit card companies on the Bankruptcy Bill a couple years ago.
Biden steals from British PMs. Obama steals from MLK. Get them together and every speech will sound like it was written by the love child of Jack Kennedy and Winston Churchill. Dream ticket material.
Joe Biden is more fun than a dozen superballs in a room full of kittens. He’d be willing to drag McCain’s running mate in the alley behind the stage at the vice presidential debate and sucker punch him.
He’s also a fellow Pennsylvania expatriate, so we’re like soul mates, me and Joe.
lilblackcorvette: I only became bitter and cynical after she dumped me.
choinski: So true. And Biden is so clean and articulate. Good for him.
weirdiowasculpture:
True, and Delaware does have awesome fresh chicken on the menu of every restaurant. It’s a law there, that or they’re trying to get rid of some of the chickens as they are more numerous than people in Delaware.
I don’t know. Two guys who can articulate a nuanced thought on the same ticket sounds risky.
God I hope this happens. This election needs someone with a sense of humor.
Hart88: yeah, same here. However, a few months ago someone (Ezra Klein or Spence Ackerman) put up a great video of Biden demolishing someone’s foreign policy pronouncements (maybe Rudy, but I think someone else). He did this in some off-the-cuff remarks delivered as he was walking to his car. He can say goofy things, but seems to know more than most about foreign policy; after the bungling of this administration, he and Hopey will be a welcome relief. I had him figured for SoS, but this would work too.
So, biden your time does work after all?
Obama/Biden…Obaden…Obiden..Obamen..Bobama? Name Game!
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: “I don’t know. Two guys who can articulate a nuanced thought on the same ticket sounds risky.” …. cripes, you’re right. We need someone who can serve up perfect little bumper stickers as needed (yes, he did do a job on Rudy, but it was a bit too long to fit onto a bumper sticker).
Terry: The chicken in Delaware… is PEOPLE
Hair plugs and plagiarism….don’t forget plagiarism….and WHITE fucking teeth — Jesus, blinding W H I T E teeth.
TGY: BO and Joe!
It’s “Joebama”
and in the immortal words of Stephen King’s - Stand By Me
is kind of like Obama saying…
“Chopper … …sick balls!”
as the entire McCain campaign covers their crotches.
or “Bojo”
Hart88: I’d like him a lot better if he hadn’t written the RAVE Act.
Joan Allen? WTF? I’m going to need a translation.
dl: The kids can call you Bojo.
american mutt - “huh?”
dl: BoJo is too similar to “BloJo”, which is what Liebermann texts to McCain every other Tuesday night. (”Daddy is lonely…needs some sexyfuntime”)
dl: Hmmm. How about ‘Obojo’? Three syllables seem to give it some gravity.
Ought to give Biden a Wonkette profile. So, he can get the funny out his system. Unless, he has one already…which one of you is Joe Biden? Oh, probably none of you as the comments are succinct.
yummy hours and hours of:
‘if that’s his baby, he needs help’.
DelDupont means little electorically (so did all of the votes cast in 2000)…..and has no allig to states like PA, NJ, MD, VA and the Distric anyway……….B-leave-ing HRC for the lady votez and southern now carpet bagger strat or Chuckie Hegel for an interesting crossover R and being a war vet that said No.
do not B-LEAVE stepp-o-lup-o-gous as he continues to be paidz madz $ by the couple from chap-it-qua- hez b paidz to toss curvez ballz.
Texas is by far the biggest craphole in the Union (’cepting Arlen, of course!) After The Shrub relocates back to Crawford, I say we annex it back to Mexico and be done with it once and for all!
AbeServer: She was in The Contender - up for V.P. with a slutty past and Gary Oldman played the evil neocon exposing her during confirmation hearings.
Larry McAwful: I always liked Biden. And with the image of him dragging Bobby Jindal out back and beating the shit out of him, I like him even better!
Sean O: Oh… I think I hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud in the office…you bastard!
Bill Richardson’s goatee for VP!
weirdiowasculpture: Did I just hear a chainsaw fly by?
Serolf Divad: I dunno. Russ Feingold is still my first choice. And unlike Joe Biden, he doesn’t have a current subscription to Modern Jackass magazine.
SoS = Sam Nunn
Game. Set. Match.
american mutt: simpsons reference… nevermind.
jobama vice
http://i38.tinypic.com/2n024ya.jpg
dl: “Joebama’s sooooooo fat…”
Serolf Divad:
I liked Biden too. For me it was either him, or Gravel.
jagorev: No, the most loathsome state in the Union is on the other side of the Delaware River. You’re close, though.
I too want Biden as Secretary of State. Richardson is a skirt hound and is radiactive. I say Wes Clark for Veep.
Obama ‘n’ Biden. Hmmm. Sounds familiar somehow…
re: the meme that Biden is a loose cannon, can’t shut up, will cost the election, yada yada yada — Norbert says: it’s about fuckin’ time. that mincing phony triangulation nonsense didnt’ work too well for Hilary or Kerry or Gore etc. etc. did it? I say take Biden off the chain and let him peel a strip off of Mittens in the debate. Oh, that would be juicy TV.
Madeline: And wasn’t that the name of the fey flat-topped black Asst DA on the original Law and Order? You know, the clean and articulate one?
It’s either going to be Ross Perot or Lyndon Larouche, according to well-informed sources in Denver and Iowa.
V2peaceAllOver: Christ, man, lay off the PCPs.
Russ is too outspoken, too given to profanity, and far far too jewish to be a VP.
nietzscheprojectile: Thanks. I gotta get out more.
Personally, I find Joe Biden’s virile and hegemonistic hair verrry sexy…
http://www.thebushidoway.net/2007/08/joe-biden-and-hair-plugs-question.html
but you leave out - in terms of Hopey’s “stringent requirements of gravitas, foreign policy chops, and hair plugs” - one very important possibility: Nevada senator Pat McCarran!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pat_McCarran
Serolf Divad: Me too, Biden is awesome! I knew that he didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination, but that didn’t make me any less of a fan.
I agree with the loose-cannonness that he has a knack for, but it’s often refreshing… At least I think so. He’s the guy who says all of the stuff that you were afraid to say (internal conversations only) AND presents it in a way that *gasp* makes sense (sense and practicality ftw)
dl:
No, It’s Obama Bin Biden!
HomoPolitico: Oh, right. Feingold’s too smart, too.
Harvey Birdman: My first thought. Joe knowz him some shit on foreign policy, but he’s also an out and out nut job. But if you close your eyes while he talks he does sound a bit like Spiro Agnew.
jagorev says at 3:41 pm
Yup chrizt is my stylEEEEEEe.
ba ha ha jarhead
Hart88: He represents Delaware-theres a reason damn near every credit card company is based there.
jagorev: Great story about the Blue Hen State hosting America’s last sanctioned (i.e. non-consentual) whipping. [I live near San Fran so I have to maje that distinction.] Wilmington is really underrated as a ghastly hell hole of urban horror.
As was said tonight, Biden will be counted on to say something that will require at least one news cycle of commentary and to be off message due to it. Anyone as to whether it happens in the month of August? He might be on his best/better behavior as November is right around the corner.