Wonkette
Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump.
• Outside food and beverage of any kind, including alcoholic beverages, coolers and bottled water
• Umbrellas (in case of inclement weather, the public is encouraged to bring raincoats or ponchos)
• Large bags, suitcases or backpacks
• Noisemakers, air horns, whistles, cowbells, horns, bull horns or other voice enhancement devices.
• Signs, banners, flags or any other items that would either obstruct the view of a patron or serve as a security risk
• Any and all unauthorized merchandise, including unapproved pamphlets, handouts, advertisements, etc.
• Knives of any size, razor blades or sharp and/or pointed objects like scissors, knitting needles, etc.
• Mace/pepper spray or aerosol containers
• Fireworks
• Weapons of any kind, including toy weapons, or any article that might be used as a weapon and/or compromise public safety as well as canes, chains, sticks of any length (non-medical use canes
• Screwdrivers or Leatherman brand or similar tools
• Dangerous or hazardous items or materials including chemical, biological, radiological, etc.
• Animals (except service dogs & guide dogs)
• Folding chairs
• Laser devices
• Tripods
• Bikes, inline skates, skateboards, scooters, shoes with wheels
• Illegal drugs and any other illegal substances
• Frisbees or inflated balls of any kind
Goddamn. And Wonkette just shelled out a LOT of money so that your editors could have “shoes with wheels.” Also, how will St. Barack of Obama heal our farm animals if we have to leave them back at the hotel, watching porn in the bathtub?
Oh and WTF why does Barack hate white children? “INVESCO Field at Mile High policy for this event prohibits strollers or baby seats from being taken into the stands or left in section entrances.”
…WoW, no liquor inside the venue?! Well I hope you guys have a little bit of mileage left on your livers because “Binge Drinking” will be the phrase of the day!
How about a precision disassembled sniper concealed in a crutch? Are they okay? I didn’t see them on the list.
also, no fun.
also, no hope.
oh and also, you may not look directly at senator obama. the light from his presence alone is enough to destroy you.
but be sure to have a good time at camps, kids!
the real question: can we tailgate?
Geesh, no knitting? What’s a granny to do?
Oh, and More Cowbell!
AW, shit. (unpacks jackalope)
Did they hire TSA to do the security?
Is FEMA trying to replicate or avoid the good times had at the New Orleans Superdome? It sounds kind of like hell, but you never know.
At least they don’t have to worry about it raining.
When leathermen are outlawed, only outlaws will have leathermen.
…if “tripods” aren’t allowed then how the hell will Barry get in?!
Ok, seriously, who the fuck brings this kind of shit to an event…other than the drugs and inflatable balls. I’ve been to a Buffett concert.
PEOPLE.
He is the first ever black Presidential nominee.
I would feel safe if they brought him out in a giant, bulletproof, clear egg.
oh, and also also, any children left alone for more than 5 minutes become property of Invesco field and its subsidiaries.
AngryBlakGuy: Ah, beat me to it!
can i bring a chocolate knife? i wanted to run up and give it to barryo during some of the down time.
thwanger: To be manufactured into canned food stuffs for the homeless.
The Real JR Revisted: Maybe John Travolta can loan him his bubble.
Looks like bitches and hoes are still a go!
…they left the part out where they say “kool-aid will be provided for all attendees”
Don’t worry, we’ll all just have to get intoxicated off of his Hopey-ness.
AngryBlakGuy: I had to read that three times.. haha.
Yes! They didn’t say anything about no Truck-Nutz.
Hope isn’t nearly as drunk as I’d hoped it would be.
What the fuck are “Leatherman brand tools”?
Ball gags and cat ‘o’ nine tails?
magic titty: You know, like multitools? Has a knife, pliers, magnifying glass, bottle opener, screwdriver, and G36 sniper-modded assault rifle all in the same unit?
“Noisemakers, air horns, whistles, cowbells, horns, bull horns or other voice enhancement devices.”
does this include my hilarious fart machine?
magic titty: …sounds like something that you would find a airport bathroom.
No guarantees on inflated balls.
graceless: AnnieGetYourFun: …low hanging fruits my friends, low hanging fruits!
Texan Bulldoggette: I hear that bubble also repels thetans and I t hink Barry needs all the protection he can get.
The Real JR Revisted: Good point. Attendees should feel grateful that any actual people will be allowed to attend the speech, given their great propensity for screwing up a good thing.
If anything happens to Obama, there is going to be one angry mob with alot of Leatherman tools in pursuit of the assailant…
Will they provide the drugs inside or what?
Oh, magic titty: you need to get out more. Every Truck-Nutz owning, snuff-dipping, wife-beater-wearing, ballhat-backward dude in Colorado has one of hese: http://www.leatherman.com/ If you weren’t such an elitist you’d have a pair too.
Are they pairs? Or is it one thing?
no leggings. no keffiyeh scarves. no thick-framed glasses. no bug-eyed sunglasses. no fauxhawks. AND NO PUKA-SHELL NECKLACES.
V572625694: You’re obviously not from Colorado. It’s one thing. Yes, I have one. No, I’m not from Colorado either.
Strictly for the Tardcore: Well, how the hell are the bitters going to assassinate Obama if they can’t smuggle in the good shit?
V572625694: The Leatherman are actually for the poor, hardworking blue collar, Budweiser-swilling real American folks. The elite, arugula eaters brandish Swiss Army knives.
qwerty42: except I think they handed out drugs and weapons at the Superdome, along with “Brownie” bobbleheads to the first 10,000 refugees.
AngryBlakGuy: legumes?
Damn libtards, I can’t bring my anthrax-alpaca sweater?
I had to reread a couple of times to let it sink in…
No alcohol?
Goddamn, America.
Jobbotch: Also low hanging fruits…
What about Snukes? Will Hillz be able to bring her snuke in her snizz?
So much for the security, the backstage concert rider should then be a simple thing beginning with “only brown M&M’s.”
Hot DAmn! I can bring my accordion!
Lessee: No Bottled Water + One Billion Overexcited Hope-fulls standing underneath the hot August sun for an unspecified length of time?
Nope, no recipe for disaster here folks. Let’s just move along shall we?
The Real JR Revisted: I think it might seem a trifle undignified if the candidate ended up rolling around on the stage like a gerbil in an exercise ball, but then security concerns top all others.
Texan Bulldoggette: I thought the Leathermen were a white folk-singing trio from about 1960, unless they were a chaps-wearing gay singing group from the 70s. I’m a little confused because I haven’t had any alcohol yet today.
Not a single restriction on public sex. I think that could still work without alcohol.
The alcohol rules are still the worst. Politics is fucking boring sober. Following the presidental race without booze is enough to make anyone turn to drugs- oh wait, the crowd can’t even do that. Guess everyone can sit in a circle (NOT ON FOLDING CHAIRS) and play telephone while they wait instead. Maybe they can throw in some truth or dare- minus the fireworks, Leathermen, and biohazards- if they’re feeling like a party.
Oh what a treat it is to see Barry up close and behind bullet proof glass.
Seems like a remote control vibrating panty is also permitted. Not that you’d really need it with O-bama there.
http://www.nawtythings.com/remote.html
The Real JR Revisted: Would a descent from the Mother Ship feed into some sort of stereotype? Just asking. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/48/185472927_c41d705c6f.jpg?v=0
One needs copious amounts of alcoholic beverages to make exposure any politician less worse. Seems like an epic fail.
Well, duh. Actually, it would be cool if they banned clothing and had everybody come naked. Or maybe just the good-looking people. This will be televised, yes?
Also, it might put Hopey at ease for his talk, since he wouldn’t have to ‘imagine the audience naked’ ’cause they would be.
StripesAndPlaids: You weren’t paying attention: [No] Weapons of any kind
StripesAndPlaids: Sorry, but I think that clearly qualifies as a weapon.
No mention of tanks, stealth bombers or motorcycles. Whew.
TGY: since 995 of all Hopeyvoters are under the age of 25, they’d probably look pretty good naked. I say yes.
trophy(forparticipation)wife: I like the “15-20 foot range”. I could watch the game and would never have to leave my couch.
S.Luggo: Damn you, S.Luggo! My keyboard’s too f.ing slow . . .
pondscum: Mine has titanium bolsters. Just because.
weirdiowasculpture: That was supposed to be 99%, not 995.
So, you can’t bring in dope or booze. So the only course left open is to drop acid before you come, so you’ll be able to maintain a buzz through the event.
Why does Barack Obama want to addict our children to LSD?
weirdiowasculpture: No, that’s the Weathermen. Ooops, no those are those 1960s American terrorists that teach in Chicago now & teach Obama how to make IEDs and plot to take over the world. Hmmm…now I’m just confused.
S.Luggo: weirdiowasculpture: Clearly you have heard me play “Lady of Spain”
S.Luggo: The Mothership could work, but wearing a diaper would probably be too much plus he could be accused of biting McPlasticpant’s style.
How great would that be? Mother Earf is pregnant for the third time. . .
trophy(forparticipation)wife: Save money by sitting on top of one of the stadium speakers while he talks.
I am starting to think Barry should have opted to give the acceptance speech in Conference Room B at the Denver Marriott, before an audience of selected supporters and family members. But then, I ended up twice in the bummer tent at Woodstock.
Wait, there’s only a ban on ILLEGAL drugs. One bitter’s handbag and we’re good.
wheelie: Hopey’s voice alone does the trick.
I don’t see anything about trollops or cunts…?
So my cock ring is still okay?
Well, the DNC is gonna have the food and drink concession. they are gonna serve either Hopey Berry Honest Tea or MotherFuc*in’ Ice Tea. They can’t decide which one.
The Real JR Revisted: Hopey needs his own Popemobile. A Hopemobile, if you will.
Strictly for the Tardcore: If there is a ban on mulattos how will the candidate himself get in?
Knitting needles are okay on aircraft now, but not at Invesco? I see folding chairs aren’t allowed. What about a nice solid oak barstool?
Why anyone would want to see any event in a large arena when the visibility is better at home and bathrooms are within walking distance —- not to mention the fun substances one can indulge in within the confines of one’s castle.
Another nice thing about seeing things on TV is that one can throw objects at the screen. Well, soft ones anyway.
Political Addict: im with you dude..
historic events are for amateurs……
This is a Challenge, Democratic convention-goers. I want to see a half a million small inflatable beach balls smuggled in, inflated, and batted about with random, wild abandon! Also, bring in as much refer as can fit in your shoes. (It’ll be just enough, I think.)
Lascauxcaveman: …or smuggle Irish Cream in, using a baby bottle(don’t forget to bring an infant with you or you may just look psycho)
But I just polished my laser device! And “any article that might be used as a weapon”? Doesn’t that include…ball-point pens? And, uh, hands? And killer good looks? Looks like Obama won’t be allowed in either.
pickleandcake: There are thousands of disappointed ninjas in Colorado tonight.
“Animals (except service dogs & guide dogs)”
If you start training a dog to bring you beer now, it might just be ready to qualify. It’d certainly be a hell of a service.
News today is that they plan to shut down effin I-25 during the speech because it’s like within a mile of Invesco!! Yeah, you never know when a terrorist in a flying car and armed with a leatherman tool might levitate above the Mousetrap, do a barrel roll over Mile High and dump its payload of unauthorized pamphlets!! WTF is wrong with this these people?
http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_10214946
The list has exceptions for service dogs and guide dogs, but how about my helper wolverine?
I predict about 1200 people will show up for this thing. I’ve been to Denver(&liked it), frankly if they enforce these rules, very few people will be allowed in- certainly not me.
I’m praying it rains.
I’ll vote for Obama over McCain, no matter what.
Please remind me why.
joe twelve pack: They might like you better in Denver if you changed your profile pic to Coors, surely…
AngryBlakGuy says at 5:20 pm, August 15th, 2008
…if “tripods” aren’t allowed then how the hell will Barry get in?!
Simple physics…………..
Special high output air conditioning units will be working for 3 days
before the event to pre-chill the place.
You know, shrinkage happens….
Jerry w
boskolives.wordpress.com
iwillsavethispatient: I used to be able to feign patriotism with my choice of bevys but ever since those elitist South Africans bought up the Millers my moral high ground has eroded. At least they don’t sponsor all the anti-gay shit like Pete Coors. Do not dare speak his name in JR’s Denver (randomly also located on 17th Street?!?), you’ll totally get banned!
I hope the network camera crews explore the greater Denver area and film the many Hillary effigies burning on the front lawns.
Free 8-balls for Obama supporters. Do yer worst.
Maybe Barack remembers what has happened to other national figures that threatened the small group of people at the top? You’re right. He’s an idiot and you’re not a douchebag blogger! What if security wasn’t super tight and he was killed? What would you’re clever snippet be then? Obamatard gets his Obama brains blown out! Smart girl!
Mr. Herpes: Report to Lanny Davis for inspection.
pickleandcake: My tongue is registered as a lethal weapon, can I bring my tongue? Oh wait no. It’s registered as a sexual instrument. Sorry, never mind.
librat: Someone needs a Xanax.
Calm down. McCain has pretty much the same restrictions for his acceptance speech. The only difference is the RNC also restricts geritol, depends and ben-gay. Theirs is the party of business opportunity and the concession stands gotta make a buck.
All I know is I’m bringing a big ass box of condoms. When he goes off on the hope thang, the ladies can barely contain themselves. I’m hoping to cash in on that wave of spontaneous, simultaneous sexual release.
Mr Blifil: in your pants..
I’d keep an eye on those “service” animals and the “blind” people. They will fuck you up.
weirdiowasculpture: Your tongue is registered as a sexual instrument? Are you single?
librat: Uh …
Obama hates black people.
librat: …I love IP adresses! They make turning people into the FBI so easy!
Ey lyk tootlz!
Invesco Field, for one night, will be America’s largest airport.
librat: Well, they already tried once with the whole airplane thing.
Anyway, the obvious problem I see: How is Saint Hopeymus going to arrive on his unicorn if they don’t let in animals except service and guide dogs? Barry the magnificent will not be reduced to riding a Great Dane with a horn strapped to its head.
(Or are unicorns not mere ‘animals’?)
(totally unrelated -> no animals = no PUMAs)
A long and biliously rough patch at work has kept me from my Wonkette for some time. Does Obama still have a chance? Throw me a bone, people.
Dangerous or hazardous items or materials including chemical, biological, radiological, etc.
Looks like we are going to have to smuggle the nuke in on the blimp.
What does this story have to do with the Montauk Monster?
What about Pantsuits?
iwillsavethispatient: Try this: http://www.liquorsnob.com/archives/2005/12/the_beerbelly_sexy_and_functional.php … it’s the best (male) way I’ve seen for booze smuggling. For women there’s the “Wine Rack” http://www.liquorsnob.com/archives/2007/11/welcome_the_winerack.php
Not afraid to be servicey!
This makes me glad that I was waitlisted for those damned tickets. I have already made some plans with other waitlisted losers to get wasted and watch the speech from a bar across town. It all works out in the end.
Banning frisbees? Barack, have you forgot who brung you to the dance to begin with? I am now a bitters hippy.
Change I can believe in is being able to bring a flask wherever I go. You know, the way Texans get to bring handguns everywhere.
There’s jist too many rules nowdays…excaliber….libre…roll the goddam dice…git over yerself…cowboy up…emancimation…more later, maybe.
Wow. No alcohol? I propose an airdrop to the poor unfortunates. They’re called airplane bottles for a reason, people.
Enjoying your comments!