KIRBYJON'S DREAM LAND  2:16 pm August 15, 2008

Jenna Bush’s Wedding Pastor Hates John McCain Very, Very Much

by Jim Newell

Ahh, so that's whyThe pastor who presided over the Texas-trash nuptials between Jenna Bush and her husband Mister Butthole is a long-time friend of George W. Bush, but man oh man, he hates the crap out of John McCain. This pastor — a Reverend Kirbyjon(!) Caldwell — supports Barack Obama, weird, and told a bunch of reporters yesterday that John McCain is the worst person in the world — mostly because of that time he suggested his wife join the Miss Bison Shit contest before a crowd of gangbanging bikers, as well as all the crippled wives he’s cheated on in his life.

This kind of terrorist chatter just throws the whole legitimacy of Jenna’s marriage in flux:

“Well, I don’t know a lot about John McCain’s family history, I do know, however, that as recently as last week I think it was, the Senator made a comment in South Dakota regarding his wife entering some Buffalo Chips contest which is this topless deal and if she were to enter she would probably win it and my personal opinion and based on my understanding of the Christian faith, that’s not not, N-O-T, not the type of expression that a presidential candidate, or anyone for that matter who is a follower of the Christian faith, ought to make,” said the Rev. Kirbyjon Caldwell. “I don’t know if that is a perfect case in point, but it surely does help to juxtapose the DNA of Senator Obama, if you would, versus the DNA of Senator McCain.”

“Kirbyjon” is being modest. He does, in fact, know a lot about John McCain’s family history:

“His marital history has been duly recorded,” said Caldwell, referring to McCain, “and as recently as yesterday I think it is, our pastor from Saddleback, Rick Warren indicated that he would not feel comfortable voting for an adulterer and I don’t know exactly to whom he was referring but I think the data speaks for itself, and again, at the end of the day, and I really appreciate you raising this because, at the end of the day again I think the American public deserves full revelation of the candidate’s character and competency. Character and competency. So, whatever questions that should be asked that would give the voting public an indication as to who they are and what they’ve done should be fair game.”

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!

WE’LL BEAT KIRBYJON UP FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AND SEE HOW HE LIKES IT.

Jenna Bush Wedding Pastor Rips McCain [ABC News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 78 comments }

Tybalt August 15, 2008 at 2:19 pm

MY FRIENDS,

WE ARE ALL ASSHOLES NOW.

ReelectTilden August 15, 2008 at 2:21 pm

More Jenna pics plz.

Jobbotch August 15, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Best alt-text yet.

shortsshortsshorts August 15, 2008 at 2:22 pm

What right does this trollop have to be judging WALNUTS, you cunts?

Noodle Salad August 15, 2008 at 2:23 pm

“Because if you can’t keep your faith to your most sacred vow – ‘’til death do us part’ — how in the world can I trust you to lead my family? My government? My nation?”

Clearly John McCain will cheat on our old and broken constitution with some younger, floozier Constitution.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Why does Christ hate boobies? Well, not boobies per se, but people who love boobies. Or perhaps the ‘love of boobies’ itself is what Christ hates. ‘Thou shalt have no other boobie before me,’ as God expressly states. And frankly, if you had a boobie before God, it’d be an ENORMOUS one.

Um. What?

erymanthian bore August 15, 2008 at 2:25 pm

trollop — bison chip — cunt face — hyunnh hyunnh hunh — got a big boy pooply plop inna mah diaper — drool — where dat nurse?

roundofapplause August 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm

thats really only 99% true

Godot August 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm

I preferred Kirbyjon’s Pinball Land, myself.

Mumble Softly August 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm

How in the world did the Bush clan end up hiring a black pastor, and an Obama supporter at that, to marry off their drunk party girl Jenna ? It is the bride’s parents that make all the arrangements and pay for them. Just goes to show, everything that Dubya ends up fucked up.

Lazy Media August 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm

Wait, Jenna got married in Texas by a colored preacher? Is that even legal?

obfuscator August 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm

“So… ‘Jenna’, is it? Is there a Mister Butthole??”

jagorev August 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm

Kirbyjon (WTF?) for Veep! Obama-Caldwell ’08!!!

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 15, 2008 at 2:29 pm

What is it with these black preachers, always spouting off with the sass?

jagorev August 15, 2008 at 2:30 pm

[re=60781]Mumble Softly[/re]: I’m like 80% sure at this point that Jenna will also be voting for Obama.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Also (from Hamlet),

Whether ’tis nobler in mind to cheat
Upon one’s loving wife and divorce her in her hour of need
Or to bomb a multitude in an unnecessary war
And by snuffing end them?

weirdiowasculpture August 15, 2008 at 2:35 pm

You just know when she was in high school, Jenna scrawled in the margins of all her books: “Jenna Butthole,” “Jenna Bush Butthole,” “Mrs. Robert Butthole,” “Mrs. Jenna Butthole,” “Dr. and Mrs. Butthole,” etc.

Mumble Softly August 15, 2008 at 2:35 pm

[re=60788]jagorev[/re]: It would be really sweet if the Bush twins start appearing in playboy and writing critical books about Dubya, like Ron Reagan did when he came out as a gay and told the sordid tales of his terrible parents Ronnie and Nancy. GOOD TIMES.

The Real JR Revisted August 15, 2008 at 2:36 pm

[re=60772]Noodle Salad[/re]: With the Georgian Constitution? Absolutely.

NebraskashireGentry August 15, 2008 at 2:36 pm

yes, but how does he feel about ‘merica?

oh, John McCain IS America, you say?

then: how. dare. he.

freakishlystrong August 15, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Is Kirbyjon Wonkette’s beloved AngryBlakGuy??

BadNewsJack August 15, 2008 at 2:37 pm

[re=60788]jagorev[/re]: what a way to say “fuck you, dad.”

edgydrifter August 15, 2008 at 2:37 pm

[re=60794]TGY[/re]: To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to uh… zzzzzzzzz.

erymanthian bore August 15, 2008 at 2:39 pm

A spokesman for the McCain campaign responded to a query about the Senator’s movements:

“Monday — nothing.

“Tuesday — nothing.

“Wednesday — a good one. Some blood.

“Thursday — bison chips.

Serolf Divad August 15, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Asked if McCain was unaware that the Buffalo Chips contest often features contestants topless, a McCain aide told ABC News that he believes the senator was aware but emphasized that the presumptive GOP nominee was joking and would not want his wife to participate in such a contest.

OMFG, I almost like McCain now! Can’t wait ’till it gets out that John and Cindy are Swingers… bet they spend weekends in a Vermont cabin with John and Teresa Kerry.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=60805]edgydrifter[/re]: Aye, there’s the rug.

Mumble Softly August 15, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=60802]freakishlystrong[/re]: I strongly suspect that angryblakguy isnt really black
(and I have evidence to prove it)

Johnny Zhivago August 15, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Why do Methodists hate America?

sezme August 15, 2008 at 2:42 pm

A quick google search (no, not for man boobs) reveals that apparently pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback(!) is so gosh darn popular with the jebus lubbin set that whichever candidate he picks will automatically win. Rev. Kirbyjon, though epic fails in his moral calculations by ignoring McCain’s 5-1/2 YEARS! So in conclusion, Jenna Bush is now drunk.

Tybalt August 15, 2008 at 2:43 pm

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: He was in the pool! He was in the pool!

sezme August 15, 2008 at 2:44 pm

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: He didn’t finish his 40 ouncer that one time?

tunamelt August 15, 2008 at 2:44 pm

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: The hell you say.

freakishlystrong August 15, 2008 at 2:45 pm

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: Oh man! You’ve seen the schlong then?

The Real JR Revisted August 15, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: I would think he would describe himself as “blak”. See, the “c” is for “colored”. There is no “c” therefore he is not colored.

This is my attempt at internet investigation.

Meanwhile, it’s still under question as to whether I’m actually “Real” or at least “visited more than once”.

obfuscator August 15, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=60808]Serolf Divad[/re]:

“F-f-f-friends, who among you would like to see my old lady’s tits? Those sweater puppies we can believe in!”

Is this really any different than the time Barry offered to loan out Michelle for a Ludacris video shoot?

freakishlystrong August 15, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=60813]sezme[/re]: Along with dear old Dad…

Cogito Ergo Bibo August 15, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Caldwell said that McCain’s Buffalo Chips comment stood in stark contrast with Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., whom Caldwell sees as a good family man supporting pro-family policies.

Manboobs! Well, and a puppy for the kids, when he’s elected.

Mumble Softly August 15, 2008 at 2:51 pm

REPLY TO TYBALT, SEZME, TUNAMELT, FREAKISHLY STRONG

I am not at liberty to divulge the evidence at this juncture. Rather I shall wait and bide my time until the appropriatte moment. All I can tell you, is that he is no more black than Kevin Federline.

The Real JR Revisted August 15, 2008 at 2:54 pm

LOL McCain’s camp’s response to this is the Hannity FIVE AND A HALF YEARS defense:

He went on to say that Americans “know that John McCain’s faith and character were tested and forged in ways few can fathom.”

http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/08/15/christian-pac-to-air-pro-obama-ad/

V572625694 August 15, 2008 at 2:56 pm

What’s he talkin’ about, juxtapose the DNA of Obama and Juan McCain? Is he implying that McCain’s not white? Or Obama not black?

Kinda humorous that he thinks religious people and presidents don’t cheat on their wives, though. I wonder what color the sun is in his world.

[re=60810]Mumble Softly[/re]: Please produce said evidence!

The Real JR Revisted August 15, 2008 at 2:56 pm

[re=60831]The Real JR Revisted[/re]: lol and the comments are choice. Are these you guys?

I want to campaign in Strip Clubs, Horehouses and Frat Parties. Cindy can be part of the action. I want an all Nude White House so visitors can Ogle all the girls and pinch their bottoms.
Comment by Old McAdulterer – August 15, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Obama’s finally making some progress with his vaunted evangelical strategy. Hard to think this has real impact, though.

http://www.political-buzz.com/
Comment by matt – August 15, 2008 at 1:36 pm

I never talk about my faith, because I am a Killer War Criminal I bombed innocent women and children, Viets never attacked America either. I also committed multiple counts of adultery on Cindy and Carol. I am not a real Christion neither is the Born Again White House War Criminal Terrorist.
Comment by John McAntiChrist – August 15, 2008 at 1:36 pm

I am a family man, too, I have two families, two wives, and multiple children.
Comment by Old McSenile – August 15, 2008 at 1:39 pm

I will never support John McCain, but I might flip flop because I hate the other races more.
Comment by James Demonic Dobson – August 15, 2008 at 1:41 pm

You are all Agents of Intolerance. I don’t need your support. All my racists supporters will win the White House for me.
Comment by John McCain – August 15, 2008 at 1:42 pm

I am a family man, too, just like John McSatan, I only hired the Gay Hooker and bought Meth because I was going to confess my Sins later after having some fun just like John McSatan. I am a Christian like John McSatan.
Comment by Ted Haggard – August 15, 2008 at 1:50 pm

SayItWithWookies August 15, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Frankly I don’t see the problem. If Lot could offer his daughters to a mob of Sodomites, then why can’t McCain offer up Cindy to a bunch of gay bikers? It’s a biblical tradition of long standing.

rmontcal August 15, 2008 at 3:02 pm

As recently as today, I think it was, this guy is teh awesome!

Noodle Salad August 15, 2008 at 3:03 pm

[re=60800]The Real JR Revisted[/re]: McCain’s Georgian Constitution is a total trophy wife.

freakishlystrong August 15, 2008 at 3:08 pm

[re=60830]Mumble Softly[/re]: I see, revenge is a dish best served cold…

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 15, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Wow, so Dick Cheney was right, there are secret Muslims everywhere!

I swear it was easier to keep track of them when we simply referred to them as Uppity Negros.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm

[re=60831]The Real JR Revisted[/re]:

“John McCain’s faith and character were tested and forged in ways few can fathom”

That means Cindy must be a complete tiger in the sack.

sezme August 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm

[re=60830]Mumble Softly[/re]: “All I can tell you, is that he is no more black than Kevin Federline.”

But, but, but … that’s not very black at all!

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 15, 2008 at 3:23 pm

Snap, snap, snap, snap, SNAP. Oh, and SNAP.

Mumble Softly August 15, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=60845]freakishlystrong[/re]: Au contraire mon frere, I maintain some respect for angryblakguy, and do find that his comments on this board are often amusing. Therefore, I would not relish to destroy his carefully crafted online persona without good cause.

His repeated comments about his penis size are however juvenile and should be discouraged.

NebraskashireGentry August 15, 2008 at 3:29 pm

[re=60846]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: and easier to prove too.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 3:33 pm

[re=60834]V572625694[/re]: He means moral DNA. That’s kinda like Rorschach inkblot responses only with ’0′s and ’1′s.

magic titty August 15, 2008 at 3:49 pm

Ahh, those wacky Negro preachers. I guess he’ll be voting for Barack “Fruit of Islam” Obama just like the rest of the coloreds.

But anyway, seriously, Sean Hannity’s excuse-making for John McCain’s whore-courting actions are fucking absurd – why hasnt anyone called him on this shit? If getting tortured for years gives one the right to seek tail elsewhere, we should all be knee deep in questionable pussy once this Bush Administration is over. Guys and girls!
the end.

TGY August 15, 2008 at 3:52 pm

[re=60864]magic titty[/re]: “If getting tortured for years gives one the right to seek tail elsewhere, we should all be knee deep in questionable pussy once this Bush Administration is over.”

My God! I’ve just had a vision!

Street Organizer August 15, 2008 at 4:04 pm

[re=60855]Mumble Softly[/re]: cyber-thuggin’ in the comments section. Hi Haterrr!

rikitikitavi August 15, 2008 at 4:06 pm

[re=60864]magic titty[/re]: I would love some questionable pussy right about now.

canuckistani August 15, 2008 at 4:24 pm

EXCUSE ME, But I think your arguments are BULLSHIT.

canuckistani August 15, 2008 at 4:26 pm

Excuse me, but I think your arguments are BS

sezme August 15, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=60921]canuckistani[/re]: Ha ha, you thought wonkette had a filter!??!? Bullshit it is!

rikitikitavi August 15, 2008 at 4:35 pm

[re=60921]canuckistani[/re]: Whose arguments? I forgot what we were talking about.

Cape Clod August 15, 2008 at 4:36 pm

‘If getting tortured for years gives one the right to seek tail elsewhere, we should all be knee deep in questionable pussy once this Bush Administration is over.’

I can’t wait that long. I plan on being knee deep in questionable pussy this weekend.

canuckistani August 15, 2008 at 4:37 pm

lol..the delay led me to believe there was..I should have known better after reading comments here for over a year

Tybalt August 15, 2008 at 4:39 pm

[re=60943]Cape Clod[/re]: Do her a favour, start by just going in up to the ankle.

Godot August 15, 2008 at 4:51 pm

[re=60797]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Jenna Bush-Butthole is what they called her back in college.

Sometimes Jenna Oral-Bush-Butthole, but only after she’d had a few.

pickleandcake August 15, 2008 at 5:09 pm

The update on this “news” is super lame:
“These people are Obama campaign surrogates. These kinds of personal attacks are disgraceful. This absolutely exposes the hypocrisy of Obama’s claim to represent a ‘new kind of politics.’”

Yeah! Stop saying truths and stuff, old black preacher! Stop politely describing your reservations about McCain’s adultery!

“A Republican strategist speaking on the condition of anonymity reacted to the Caldwell comments by telling ABC News: “My advice to the Obama people: ‘proceed with extreme caution.’ They don’t want to get into a discussion of character and background. They are opening a door that they will not be able to close.”

Is he threatening to push Obama out of some kind of un-closeable door?

Rev. Juan MessyCan August 15, 2008 at 5:24 pm

I’ve been elbow-deep before, but I was done with the questions re: Haggard’s manpussy.

However, even I would be impressed to watch someone knee-deep in pussy. Questionable or confirmed.

Rev. Juan MessyCan August 15, 2008 at 5:26 pm

[re=60956]Tybalt[/re]: Haggard couldn’t take much of the foot. Hence the meth.

sezme August 15, 2008 at 5:28 pm

[re=60855]Mumble Softly[/re]: So basically you’re saying he’s Joe Klein?

Guppy06 August 15, 2008 at 7:04 pm

“DNA?” Pfft, the guy’s a Democrat, anyway. Every God-fearing Republican knows that DNA is a slap to the face of Genesis and is often used by dirty libruls to get convicted murderers off Death Row, where God intended them to be.

Mr. Herpes August 15, 2008 at 7:16 pm

Okay, children, get out yer Bibles and follow along with me. When the Big Guy gave the Promised Land to the wandering tribes, many is the time He told them to slay the men and women they encountered, but they could all keep the tight young virgins (I presume girls, given the Great and Powerful Oz’s rather harsh views of mano-a-mano butt sex). Seems the Lord had a thing for the First Timers. So for Rev. Caldwell to napalm Sen. John for offering up Miss Cindy to the Sturgis bikers….Hell, Lot offered his virgin daughter to mob at the door in Sodom and God saved him because “he was a righteous man.” You can look it up.

llyn August 15, 2008 at 8:35 pm

[re=60824]The Real JR Revisted[/re]: Why have you never spelled Revisted with a second i?

The 3-Legged Man August 15, 2008 at 9:17 pm

Jenna’s legs are so perfect.

Lascauxcaveman August 15, 2008 at 9:54 pm

[re=60786]jagorev[/re]: Don’t be WTFing the name “Kirbyjon.” Compound first names are a time-honored Southern tradition for both the tinted and pale races. C’mon, you never heard the name “BillyBob,” for example?

Here’s how it works: a man and wife conceive a child; commence to argue under what moniker it shall be christened. Wife has selected the name “Jon,” after her late brother, who was a fine upstanding man. Husband insists on “Kirby,” after his first dog, who was, uh … a fine upstanding dog. The date of arrival has approached, and no accord has been reached. So they flip a coin to see which legacy name goes first. Heads: Kirbyjon, Tails: Jonkirby.

That’s how my good friend Kingrupert got named, anyway.

jilly August 15, 2008 at 10:13 pm

People please keep in mind that that particular wife got so . . . flawed from that auto accident she got in while WALNUTS was holed up in that hotel for bad pilots in Hanoi. No wonder he switched to a cyborg trollop.

zhubajie August 16, 2008 at 9:53 am

[re=60798]Mumble Softly[/re]: Do you really want to see Jenna and Barb II naked? I suspect it’d put me off naked woman photos for a long time.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie August 16, 2008 at 10:03 am

Re McCainiac’s adulteries, remember, he was a Westpac sailor in the days when Subic Bay was the playground of the 7th Fleet. Somehow, I doubt he was going to Bible Studies when his shipmates were out on Rizal Street seeking strange flesh. Probably some of those bar girls would be willing to talk if the National Enquirer were to do some checkbook journalism in Luzon.

Zhubajie

The Real JR Revisted August 16, 2008 at 9:19 pm

Skin cells > Stem cells.

Because John McCain knows skin cells.

The 3-Legged Man August 17, 2008 at 1:07 am

[re=61269]zhubajie[/re]: The “plain” twin is actually kind of hot. Jenna has the sorority girl gone wild face. I’d dig either nude. I’ve seen worse: Hillary and Chelsea, for instance.

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