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'Indians are putting tiny springs in my brain'With over 130 submissions to the highly exclusive and prestigious “Tell us which first lady you like, as long as it wasn’t trampy Mrs. Fillmore” contest and only 10 copies of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife to give, your chances of winning this thing were roughly equivalent to your chances of getting into Harvard last year. Ah, but the special privileges that society accords the Wonkette book contest winner!

Many of you wrote that you liked Eleanor Roosevelt, because she was a pleasant lesbian with an overbite; Senator William Rufus King, also known as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” for being bachelor president James Buchanan’s secret first lady; and Betty Ford, on account of the drugs.

Submissions were all brilliant and amazing, so don’t bitch about how your thing was better than these things. Your judge did tend to favor the kooks.

Ok here we go:

Mary Todd Lincoln believed in herself when America would not. She alone had the courage to say: Indians are putting tiny springs in my brain. — Annie S.

Anna Harrison, wife of William Henry Harrison, because she was all “wear your coat, dear” and he was all “hell with you, bitch, I’m a macho Injun-killin’ man” and then he died. — CJM

I’d vote for Pat Nixon because unlike all the other recent First Ladies she didn’t want to be one. Yet she handled the position with grace and dignity and additionally she was the one who gave the Chinese the idea to give us the first pandas for the National Zoo. — Jim P. [What’s that? Something about word counts? Whatever, he wrote about PANDAS. — Ed.]

My favorite first lady is Mrs. James Buchanan because she understood a first lady’s proper role that a women should be neither seen or heard. — Wonkette Operative Elizabeth “I should really ban viagra” Dole


It has to be Frances Cleveland, because she was totally HOT!!! She made Jackie O look like Bess Truman. — “messy”

Rachel Jackson, technically a dead bigamist, nevertheless arranged for her cousin-marrying niece Emily to serve as First Hostess, until she also died. Thoughtful and fun! — Wonkette Literary Operative Lazy Media

my favorite first lady is laura linney because she puts whining paul giamanti in his place and doesnt care about her teeth — Brian M.

My favorite First Lady is Carla Bruni of France. She has a fabulous wardrobe, but she is also an inspiring mother, humanitarian and nude model. — Karen

Lou Henry Hoover, coined the phrase “Hoover maneuver” after she planted her face in a rug and was pushed vacuum-style, while engaging in sexual congress. — Brian C.

It’s Lucretia Rudolph Garfield, because nutty juris doc Chuck Guiteau was considerate enough of her nervous exhaustion not to shwack her hubby in her presence. — schvitzatura

Thank you all for playing! We have forwarded your relevant information to the FBI. Extraditions should commence in 6 to 8 weeks.

Previously on Wonkette:
Win A Free Copy Of ‘American Wife’!
Sizzling Fictional Laura Bush Potboiler Coming Soon!

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