exciting contest

Lucky ‘American Wife’ Contest Winners Announced

'Indians are putting tiny springs in my brain'With over 130 submissions to the highly exclusive and prestigious “Tell us which first lady you like, as long as it wasn’t trampy Mrs. Fillmore” contest and only 10 copies of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife to give, your chances of winning this thing were roughly equivalent to your chances of getting into Harvard last year. Ah, but the special privileges that society accords the Wonkette book contest winner!

Many of you wrote that you liked Eleanor Roosevelt, because she was a pleasant lesbian with an overbite; Senator William Rufus King, also known as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” for being bachelor president James Buchanan’s secret first lady; and Betty Ford, on account of the drugs.

Submissions were all brilliant and amazing, so don’t bitch about how your thing was better than these things. Your judge did tend to favor the kooks.

Ok here we go:

Mary Todd Lincoln believed in herself when America would not. She alone had the courage to say: Indians are putting tiny springs in my brain. — Annie S.

Anna Harrison, wife of William Henry Harrison, because she was all “wear your coat, dear” and he was all “hell with you, bitch, I’m a macho Injun-killin’ man” and then he died. — CJM

I’d vote for Pat Nixon because unlike all the other recent First Ladies she didn’t want to be one. Yet she handled the position with grace and dignity and additionally she was the one who gave the Chinese the idea to give us the first pandas for the National Zoo. — Jim P. [What’s that? Something about word counts? Whatever, he wrote about PANDAS. — Ed.]

My favorite first lady is Mrs. James Buchanan because she understood a first lady’s proper role that a women should be neither seen or heard. — Wonkette Operative Elizabeth “I should really ban viagra” Dole

It has to be Frances Cleveland, because she was totally HOT!!! She made Jackie O look like Bess Truman. — “messy”

Rachel Jackson, technically a dead bigamist, nevertheless arranged for her cousin-marrying niece Emily to serve as First Hostess, until she also died. Thoughtful and fun! — Wonkette Literary Operative Lazy Media

my favorite first lady is laura linney because she puts whining paul giamanti in his place and doesnt care about her teeth — Brian M.

My favorite First Lady is Carla Bruni of France. She has a fabulous wardrobe, but she is also an inspiring mother, humanitarian and nude model. — Karen

Lou Henry Hoover, coined the phrase “Hoover maneuver” after she planted her face in a rug and was pushed vacuum-style, while engaging in sexual congress. — Brian C.

It’s Lucretia Rudolph Garfield, because nutty juris doc Chuck Guiteau was considerate enough of her nervous exhaustion not to shwack her hubby in her presence. — schvitzatura

Thank you all for playing! We have forwarded your relevant information to the FBI. Extraditions should commence in 6 to 8 weeks.

Previously on Wonkette:
Win A Free Copy Of ‘American Wife’!
Sizzling Fictional Laura Bush Potboiler Coming Soon!

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • cal

    Aunt Fancy? Now I’m interested.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well — the horrible pain of not winning is somewhat ameliorated by the news that Wonkette is once again pro-panda. But no winning entries for Mrs. Harding, The Dutchess, who assaulted one of Mr. H’s mistresses while she was hiding in the closet and was rumored to have offed him, thereby setting a standard for integrity that Laura Bush has yet to maintain? For shame.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=60558]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Console yourself with the fact that not winning meant not getting a galley proof copy of American Wife. There’s always an up-side.

  • Destonio

    Nothing can top that Hoover Maneuver. Coffee shot out of my nose. Brilliant.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    First Ladies? I thought you said fist ladies. Boy, am I embarrassed.

  • 4everjung

    Is Mary Todd sporting a baby bump there? Or just bloated from a big lunch?

  • TGY

    The phrase ‘sexual congress’ always gets me.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Fuck all of you. Bill Clinton was the best first lady.

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Laura Bush should have merited a mention for standing up to the powerful illiteracy lobby.

  • StripesAndPlaids

    [re=60584]4everjung[/re]: Neither. She is hiding John Wilkes Booth.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=60584]4everjung[/re]: She’s got enough petticoat going on there to hide the entire Union Army.

  • thefrontpage

    My favorite first lady is Betty Ford because she inspired a drug and alochol rehab center, and she hated the Nixons.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    Someone should do an exhaustive study on first ladies and substance abuse. They seem to go hand in hand.

  • boredatwork

    My losing submission: “My favorite First Lady is Betty Ford for her ability to fix both her life and Liza Minnelli’s, the First Lady of Razzmatazz.”

    So there.

  • Destonio

    [re=60607]thefrontpage[/re]: It sure didn’t help W when he lost that wrestling match with that pretzel.

  • BadNewsJack

    Oh, Lou Henry Hoover, What a minks. rawr.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=60625]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: If that’s the criteria, then the McCain’s have a surefire lock on the White House. Boo.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=60594]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Well if literacy begins at home, then she’s she’s up to her ears in failure.

  • Elitist Republican Tard

    Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Maybe a post or something would have been helpful.

  • queerbubbles

    [re=60545]cal[/re]: For context’s sake… I will shamelessly post my submission. It was a haiku, after all… Ahem!:

    William Rufus King – A Haiku

    Not a first lady
    “Friend” of one James Buchanan
    Known as “Aunt Fancy”

  • Jewdishoowary Square

    Doctor First Lady Abby Bartlet could kick Eleanor Roosevelt’s ass around the block, treat her injuries, then kick her ass around the block again. That lady was dynamite.

  • rev_matt_y

    I said Buchanans wife, because he didn’t have one. Might have been to subtle…

  • Tybalt

    My own non-entry was Margaret Trudeau, who ditched her bodyguards, got high with Mick Jagger, and gangbanged the Rolling Stones in a single night. She also fucked Ted Kennedy, which is going way above and beyond the call of duty.

  • Elitist Republican Tard

    OK, I love unanswered questions on sites like these. Once, I spend three paragraphs ripping the questions for being a moron and not being able to spell, then answered the question.

    So, here is a blank slate:

  • Lazy Media

    Woot! This means I got into Harvard, right?

  • Anita Cocktail

    I’m sensing that by midnight tonight, there will be ten new listings on Ebay for Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife.

  • Mo MoDo

    [re=60594]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Women marry losers they hope to change. She got him to quit drinking, but teaching him to pick up a book was a bridge too far.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=60756]Mo MoDo[/re]: Laura deserves more credit. She got Shrubbie to pick up a book, turn it rightside up, look at the words and not move his lips — real progress! Koko is still ahead of George in English and especially Art, but he’s catching up.

  • jerryw

    I’m in the same boat with Monsieur Grumpe.
    I thought you were looking for First Laddies,
    you know, those little Scottish pages that the
    Republicans just plain love.


  • james_cambridge

    So other people beside me submitted the “It’s Eleanor Roosevelt ’cause she was a Lesbian before Hillary made it cool. Plus, she rocked that overbite like nobody’s business y’all!” Man, it sucks when you find out you’re not as funny as your mom tells you you are.

  • josereyes.theroof

    [re=60588]TGY[/re]: Also the title of the Singing Senators “lost” dirty album.