love'll get you like a case of anthrax

‘Illegals’ Leave Terrorist Piss Jugs On D.C. Sidewalk, Everybody Freaks

Oh no, some sort of 9/11 is happening in downtown D.C. today: “Authorities have closed portions of two downtown Washington streets as they investigate the discovery of several containers carrying an unknown substance. D.C. fire department spokesman Alan Etter says the containers were found on a sidewalk midday Thursday at the corner of 15th and I streets. Hazmat crews are working to determine what is inside the containers and who put them there.” The “air around the containers tested negative,” so it’s probably just urine. As far as who put them there, well: “A Spanish-language bible appears to be resting on top one of the containers.” The Bush Administration is expected to bomb a random brown country by nightfall. [WJLA]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. Noodle Salad

    “7/NewsChannel 8 iWitness Sara Diaz sent photos of the investigation.”

    Diaz, eh? Sounds like she just booked herself a one-way to Gitmo. Say hello to Senor P

    PS – I’m sure they’ll find a way to delay the red line because of this.

  2. WhatTheHeck

    That’s the result of drinking too much Bud Lite.
    As for the spanish bible, it references the piss and vinegar found therein.

  3. PoliticalGraffiti

    well, if it’s a piss jug, we know no chicks were involved. it’s really hard to piss in a small hole standing up if you have a vag

  4. Doglessliberal

    [re=59976]dcgrrl[/re]: somehow, this will affect the Blue line at Rosslyn because everything causes a delay on the Blue line at Rosslyn.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    [re=59963]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: They would’ve said, “Sorry Senator Craig — carry on.”

  6. Gopherit v2.0

    Wow, you Beltway types are effete, aren’t ya? You know what we call finding 30 gallons of pee on the sidewalk in Tucson?


  7. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Any truth to the rumor that McCain has come out in favor of air strikes on Washington DC to solve the urine bottle problem?

    We are all Hobos now.

  8. NotAnEvilLobbyist

    [re=59981]Doglessliberal[/re]: You know that it is inevitable that the blue line will be delayed at Rosslyn on the commute home because of the morning fires on the red line. Somehow, someway, it will happen.

    Speaking of this though, just saw on the local NBC site that the jugs were harmless and they reopened it. I work at 14th and K, so I spent much of the day watching this unfold rather than working.

  9. Godot

    Good thing these jugs didn’t have any LEDs on them depicting a cartoon character or the National Guard would have been called in already.

  10. dcgrrl

    [re=59981]Doglessliberal[/re]: Oh yeah, this is only today’s excuse for the delay on the Orange/Blue lines (which will spill over to the Red line no doubt). As a matter of fact, I think WMATA officials should be #1 Suspects in this case. They’re just looking for someone to blame.

  11. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=59989]Godot[/re]: That was one of the scariest moments in American history. I really did think the mooninites were finally attacking.

  12. WadISay

    If it tests positive for Gerber’s baby food, it’s a urine specimen from Chinese girls’ gymnastics team.

  13. cynbot

    Man, I knew the traffic in DC was bad, but couldn’t you at least keep your recycled coffee in the cupholder until you get to the office?

  14. CrunchyKnee

    Damnit! I thought we were fighting jugs-o-piss over there so we don’t have to over here?

  15. cynbot

    [re=59980]PoliticalGraffiti[/re]: I dunno … have you ever witnessed the engineering marvel that is the Stadium Gal?

  16. rickmv

    Maybe the mexicans were just trying to bring some more of their culture over here to “enrich” us all. Since their culture is worth about as much as a jar of piss I don’t see what the surprise is.

  17. In a Jar

    nice Gang of Four reference, Jim.

    [re=59985]Gopherit v2.0[/re], [re=59997]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re], [re=59989]Godot[/re]: awesome!

  18. BadNewsJack

    Boooyaahh Biotches!! See how my people fight. Surrender and hail us Mexican overlords.

    Shit, I gotta take a piss.

  19. BadNewsJack

    [re=60031]rickmv[/re]: Thats not true. We’ve brought plenty of significant things over to this country. Lets see, we gave you guys California, Tacos, Burritos…….ummmm, Texas….. umm, Montezuma’s revenge…. ummmm, Oh yeah, Selma Hayek, ummm, George Lopez…….

  20. CivicHoliday

    Donde estas la casa de Pepe?!? Ah skrew it, I’ll just take a piss and read my bible right here.

  21. thefrontpage

    Coincidentally, the wires are reporting that the Vice President’s Office is reporting that five gallons of Dick Cheney’s urine samples were reported missing today, Thursday, August 14th, 2008.

  22. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    Now that he’s back from his near-total collapse due to booze and blow in Pekin, Shrub is jettisoning all of his contraband….and who else to help him out but Juan’s Veep, Tom Ridge? Tommy Boy has his boyz distributing the white powder throughout the, ah, darker sections of D.C.

    Later, the police will be tipped off and the 34% of Washington’s black male population who aren’t already in jail or otherwise locked up in the “justice” system will be rounded up and blamed for this.

    Wait, FOX News is reporting the story now….

  23. Lazy Media

    [re=59993]dcgrrl[/re]: Ha Ha, I ride the yellow line “home” and it’s never delayed (so far).

  24. Lazy Media

    [re=60046]BadNewsJack[/re]: Bullshit. “George Lopez” is from Honduras, and of German ancestry. No, wait, that’s “Carlos Mencia.” George Lopez is American.

  25. llyn

    [re=60031]rickmv[/re]: [re=60046]BadNewsJack[/re]: For Americans to be looking down on Mexican culture is rich!

  26. Mongo

    The package I sent to Lou contained a dildo and a Spanish dictionary.
    No, this one is similar, but not the same one.

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