nation of cheaters

Mention Of McCain’s Affairs Causes Nuclear Explosion On Fox News

This is so great. It’s from Hannity & Colmes, probably last night but definitely sometime recently, and the panel of guests is saying how John Edwards “getting away” with his affair (really?) reveals a double standard — because when Republicans get caught fucking something that isn’t a wife, it taints the whole party, but with Democrats, it just ruins the individual. In other words, we should not trust liberals because John Edwards banged his fake videographer. Anyway, around 2:50, Alan Colmes for the first time in his life starts crushing everyone.

Who knew Alan Colmes, the eternal in-house bitch of Fox News, had it in him? And what’s funnier — the guy muttering about Bill Clinton for no reason, or Sean Hannity shouting repeatedly, “FIVE AND A HALF YEARS ALAN.” This is really what it comes down to this year, isn’t it? Any argument that deals with “facts” regarding the two candidates, if it lasts long enough, will ultimately boil down to the McCain supporter screaming about either John McCain’s beatings 40 years ago or Bill Clinton getting a blowjob from a fat gal.

Firestorm Erupts Over Comparing McCain Cheating To Edwards [YouTube via Andrew Sullivan]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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96 comments

  1. Serolf Divad

    Ha, I was waiting for a good thread to come up to post this link in!

    This is one of those very rare, but very welcome “thank God for Alan Colmes” moments.

    So I’ll say it: Thank God for Alan Colmes! You’re all right in my book, Alan….

  2. TGY

    Hah. “John McCain is running for president. John Edwards isn’t.”

    That about sums it up. That was fucking hysterical. I knoew Rupert has the hots for Barry-the-Rockstar, so maybe it’s slipping through subtly. Somehow.

  3. SuperRounder

    Sean Hannity’s prison bitch finally steps up. Awesome.

    I think we all know what happened before they locked ol’ Al into his cell for the night. I can only hope it was worth it.

  4. Anita Cocktail

    All right, we can now forgive Alan Colmes for continuing to accept a paycheck signed by Ruport Murdoch.

    At least for this week.

    He needs to use those cojones a little more often, though, if you ask me. I mean, christ, it’s not like there isn’t any other hypocrisy to work with . . .

  5. HollowBrain

    Oh my god…

    I guess AC finally bought himself a pair of TRUCK NUTZZ!!!!111!

    Good investment Alan.

  6. Hooray For Anything

    I always knew that at some point Colmes was going to finally snap and maybe this is like the tremor before the big explosion. I sometimes watch just so I can catch the exact moment Colmes goes postal and cold-cock’s Hannity but, sadly, that hasn’t happened yet.

  7. No Mommy!! IT BURNS!!!

    The fact that this was a news piece makes me hate America. And every time I see Hannity’s face I just want to sin all over it. I bet his closet is full of skeleton’s…big, gay, patriotic skeletons.

  8. KittyKatMan

    Sounds like Hannity and Bildo are going to have a “little discussion” with Token in the FoxNews alley.

  9. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=59869]HollowBrain[/re]: He’s been speaking up a little more recently. I think Sean stopped buying him flowers.

    Oh I know this is not funny to say but SEAN HANNITY SHOULD FUCKING DIE.
    There.

  10. floraway

    Okay, so now being a POW is an excuse for cheating on his wife. It “changed” him. He came back a different man. But if someone said that his being a POW makes him unstable– not the same man he was prior to being a POW– watch out. You’ll get a tongue lashing you’ll never forget.

    Nice.

    Oh, remember the good ol’ days when Hannity would have used McCain’s affair against him, because Romney has never cheated on his wife (cyborgs don’t know how to cheat)…

  11. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    So now FOX can say that John McCain doesn’t know how to act because he was beaten for five and a half years.

  12. Jobbotch

    My favorite part was the derisive “Mr. Haircut” references to Edwards coming from a rep-tied closet case with two pounds of TV makeup on

  13. SayItWithWookies

    This is beautiful — and I hope Assity has to get used to this.

    [re=59858]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Don’t tell Dubya — but if we see Condi walking funny in the next few days it won’t be because she’s breaking in a new pair of Manolo Blahniks.

  14. NYNYNY

    Alan: President John McCain has been traveling around the country murdering gas station attendants, completely ignoring the serious economic…

    Sean: Excuse me, he was tortured for 5 and a half years Allan. 5 and a half! Imagine what that does to a man.

    Alan: Well, it doesn’t seem very presidential…

    Sean: Five and a half years. Beaten every day. I’d like to see what you would be like after that.

  15. WadISay

    The Faux News tech who left Colmes’ microphone on at roughly the same level as Hannity’s, though, is going to be taken behind the woodshed and waterboarded.

  16. rev_matt_y

    I knew that Colmes was a vertebrate, but now he’s finally proved it. Hannity makes Limbaugh look honest and impartial.

  17. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    Holy shit, who is that guy? I love the way Hannity tries to excuse McCain’s whorism because of Vietnam. Give me a break. I like this new guy a lot.

  18. Advocatus_Diaboli

    So now crashing your plane earns you a “get out of cheating on your wife” card.

    When I was in country I didn’t crash a plane but I did get shot at – does that at least get me a “get out of flirting with the cute waitress” card?

  19. KevoTron

    LOUD NOISES!!!!! SHOUTING!!!!! ANGRY!!!!!

    Gawd, that totally reminded me why I don’t have cable. Hannity’s such a fucking tool it makes me sick. To reiterate what I said yesterday I strongly believe we need a special platoon for all those assholes. They can hold the targets during artillery practice or something.

    I laugh whenever these GOP dickheads start talking about how rich and elite Dem politicians are. Yeah, McCain is SOOO grounded.

  20. ReverendGreen

    Uhhh, actually, Sean, Larry “traditional values no marriage with gayness no its for straights only old america yay nooooooooo” Craig being found out for love toilet sex with guys IS a microcosm of the 100% complete indictment of conservative values. Is it just me?

  21. EnBuenOra

    I like Hannity’s last comment that “well, you should” conflate McCain’s status as a war hero and ‘cheating on his wife’. Colmes said “I don’t think you should conflate the two,” and Hannity says, “Well, you should.”

    Okay, so, do, like, all war heroes get a ‘cheat on your wife’ pass? All POW’s? Just Republicans? What?

  22. natoslug

    We’ve all been tortured by the rhetoric, stupidity and just plain evil of the current administration for seven years now . . . surely we all deserve a guilt-free affair. Or is 5.5 the only magic number?

  23. Monsieur Grumpe

    It’s just like that crappy celebrity game show Hollywood Squares only less squares and more retards. Who watches this shit?

  24. V572625694

    This clears up so many things: McCain was like Lt Orr in Catch-22, practicing wrecking those planes so when the time came, he could splash one in North Vietnam, get captured, spend five years in prison, andthen, and only then, have permission to cheat on and then dump his wife. that must’ve been one damn difficult marriage.

    But who knew about that rule? It’s not in the Geneva Convention, is it?

  25. Gopherit v2.0

    So, if I go to a Vienamese Dom whore, and she beats the shit out of me, that cancels out the sex afterward? I’ll have to run this past the wife.

  26. bearbait

    I like Sean Hannity. I’m also into chewing on old razor blades and washing with 80 grit sandpaper in the shower.

  27. Dave J.

    So being beaten FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN! causes you to go just crazy enough to bang all kinds of women who are not your wife but you stay sane enough to be in charge of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal.

    Okaaaaaaaaay.

  28. dano

    Wow, Colmes actually called Hannity on his bullshit. My guess is that he’ll lose his job over this. FoxNews pays Colmes to be Hannity’s punching bag and there will be hell to pay for this.

  29. Hooray For Anything

    [re=59919]ReverendGreen[/re]: Not to mention a congressional delegation made up of people who support those conservative values turning a blind eye to one of their member’s fondness for underage page boys.

  30. Redhead

    This is AWESOME. Right up there with the cop that called 911 cause he thought his pot brownies were killing him and he needed to know the score n the redwings game.

    I love how they keep going on about the double standard between liberals cheating and conservatives cheating. We were actually talking about that double standard at work the other night – well, actually, we were talking about how when democrats cheat, they have heterosexual affairs, while promoting gay rights, but when republicans cheat, they have gay affairs while saying that gay people are immoral, going to hell and should be criminalized.

  31. freakishlystrong

    Asshannity is an oily, pompus, corpulent fuck, in my new parlance, thanks to Jim Newell, he’s a twat…
    “Twat” is the new Republican.

  32. Beef Supreme

    My favorite part was the douchesack that said: “Yeah, but what about Robert Byrd? He was in the KKK!”

  33. slavojzizek

    I like Hannity’s counter argument. 5 and a half years in a Vietnamese prison camp gives you the right to cheat on your wife. How long do you get held in a prison camp before your allowed to have some fun with congressional pages?

  34. Not_So_Much

    That is HIGH-fucking-LARIOUS! No idea that colmes had access to balls — glad he borrowed them for this. The friggin’ repub moutpieces just sat there stuttering anything, to not directly answer his question.

    Since he’s so adamant, I’d be cool with having Sean tortured and beaten for the next 5.5 years. It will make his current behavior easier to forgive…

  35. jimh

    My favorite part is the ability of the “guests” to ignore Alan and stay on message, repeating the double standard bullshit over and over while Hannity screams “five and a half years”! McCain’s affair happened six years after he returned to the states btw. The Edwards witch hunt makes McCain look pretty bad if it keeps coming up.

  36. Hooray For Anything

    And, hey, wasn’t Hannity all gay for Giuliani and held a fund raiser for him? I don’t seem to remember Rudy surviving a Viet Cong prison camp or did Rudy’s ability to be the Mayor of a city that got hit by a terrorist attack also allow him to get the free ass free pass too?

  37. JadedDIssonance

    FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!

    This was more than cheating on a wife. This was divorcing a disabled spouse under spurious pretenses and marrying a BILLIONAIRE.

    Five.five years of torture seems to have turned out alright for him…(especially with all those propaganda film creds).

  38. Terry85

    The best part is when Hannity says to Colmes: “let’s see how you act after you get beaten for five years.” Ooooooh threats!!

  39. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Little known fact: Sean Hannity has been seeing his Vietnamese Dominatrix for over five and a half years now.

  40. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I would have liked to see the conversation when McCain got home: “Hi honey…, shame you got ugly in that car crash. Well I’m off to fuck someone half my age who is far richer than you. Prisoner of War you know. Morals don’t apply to me.”

    Dick Cheney would weep at such morals.

  41. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=59858]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Clinton is killing himself for not thinking of this one.

  42. pdiddycornchips

    Truth is, only in this f*cked up country is porking outside the marraige verboten. Take any other western Democracy and find me a powerful male without a little something on the side. Who cares if Edwards or McCain or even Obama gets a little action now and then. It’s the reason men strive to be powerful is it not? I know it is for me.

  43. Godot

    [re=60004]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Not only did it give Rudy a free ass-pass, it let him get away with using city resources for his affairs, AND it was applied retroactively! Remember, he was mayor for [s]FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN[/s] EIGHT YEARS! 9/11 happen in the closing days of his administration.

  44. Godot

    Dang, that particular bit of strikethru humor didn’t come off as planned. Make a mental note, it’s angle brackets up in here!

    …there needs to be a “Preview” button…

  45. melving

    That Chris Wilson guy is a retard. He might be the only person in the country stupider than Sean Hannity. Amanda Carpenter is pretty hot though. I’d totally hit that!

  46. Street Organizer

    [re=60099]pdiddycornchips[/re]: I have sex with Barack Obama ALLLLLLL THHHHHEE TIMMMMMEE. And trust me, my name is NOT “Michelle”.

  47. jimh

    [re=60099]pdiddycornchips[/re]: I love the logic, it reminds me of Bart Simpson’s evil twin.
    “Me? Crazy? Aren’t we ALL a little crazy? I know I am. Look, I made a pigeon rat.”

  48. Anon124816

    Colmes was definitely very good in the video, and a welcome relief. First of all, I had not known that McCain had an affair on his first wife. Nor do I really give a shirt, but it IS important since if I didn’t know about it, then a lot of other people do not know about it either. Nor do I think that Hannity’s protestations about McCain having been in the prison camp really justify his cheating. His having been away for 5 years should have brought him closer to his wife, not farther away. Also, having been in a prison camp is essentially logically irrelevant, UNLESS he was cheating while in the prison camp. That would indeed be justifiable. But I don’t get the connection about afterwards.

    I’m also getting tired of people bashing Edwards so much. He is no longer really a public figure. He is not a senator, he is not a presidential candidate, and he has not been seriously discussed as a VP candidate. So he is essentially a “civilian”. It is not really justifiable to go all balistic over this scandal. It would be different if he were still a presidential candidate, but he is not.

    I’m also sick and tired of these RETARDED radio talk show hosts saying that every single thing that Edwards said was totally false and hypocritical. How so? His having an affair has nothing whatsover to do with the sincerity or the correctness of his political beliefs. It merely reveals that he has difficulty keeping his ding-dong in his pants. How does that make him a hypocrite? Maybe a pervo, but not a hypocrite.

    John Edwards has sacrificed a huge amount of time and money to run for the presidency, and it has all come to naught. His wife has cancer, and even tho he cheated on her, that does not mean that he has not been terribly saddened and burdened by this disease. The fact that Edwards had sex with a (relatively) young blonde does not mean that he doesn’t love and care for his wife. A lot of middle aged women have a tolerant attitude toward their husbands playing around, because it really does NOT mean very much. John Edwards was not deserting his wife, nor divorcing her (as McCain had done), he was merely getting his rocks off.

    As far as his being rich and greedy and having expensive haircuts, the fact is that Edwards has sacrificed HUGE amounts of money in order to run for President. If he were really so greedy, he would simply have REMAINED a trial lawyer. He hasn’t made 2 cents in many, many years. He could have been VASTLY wealthier if he had remained a trial lawyer.

    So I say to the Righties: Give it a rest. Edwards is just a civilian. There is no justification for this to be such a big “scandal”, any more than if your neighbor was cheating on his wife. And yes, John McCain is at least as bad, or even more so, because he IS running for President.

  49. Honor and Dignity

    Five years getting beaten every day is totally worth it to be allowed to get me some strange. Where do I sign up?

  50. ReverendGreen

    [re=59921]EnBuenOra[/re]: Hannity’s argument, unless I misunderstand it, is that as a result of constant torture for 5 1/2 years, he changed.

    Exactly. He became a bad person. And a violent crazy person. Please don’t make him President.

  51. dano

    OK, here’s Hannity’s thinking on the John McCain cheating thing. McCain was entitled to “some strange” when he got back from ‘Nam because he was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton…oh, and ***his first wife had been in a horrible disfiguring accident that had robbed her of her beauty.

    ***this is a true story

  52. slowhansolo

    If you’re beaten up [i]emotionally[/i] for 66 months, you get to steal your co-workers’ lunches.

  53. dano

    [re=60179]slowhansolo[/re]: You’re not a retard. You just can’t tell the difference between a [ and a <

  54. Speed Ball

    I remember when I met my girlfriend’s great grandfather for the first time. He is a jewish man of czech roots and was imprisoned by the nazi regime from 1941-44.

    After being tortured, starved, experimented upon, and beaten, the first thing he did when the allies liberated Auschwitz was crush a ton of ass. We all understood, because of the beatings. I remember when her grandfather told me “FIVE YEARS, ALAN”, and immediately understood.

    Still to this day, he just splits thighs constantly. We just smile and shake our heads, for his heroism inspires us all to nail chicks constantly.

    *nothing in this comment is true

  55. pdiddycornchips

    [re=60126]valobama[/re]:

    I’m not making a political statement, just an observation. Like Chris Rock says, a man is as faithful as his options. This does not mean Hannity isn’t a twit, he definitely is. It was fun to watch Colmes finally land a few punches for a change. McCain hasn’t uttered a word about Edwards as far as I know. That’s probably ’cause he knows his own history better than we do and figured the less said the better.

  56. Scooter

    Poor Alan Colmes. Logic and Faux News are like oil and water!

    McGrampy’s romance with Cyndzilla, [though pretty old news], is every bit as tawdry as this Edwards deal. Plus McCain apparently lied about the timeline in various books, conveniently hiding the fact that he and his new trophy beerfraulein had announced their engagement and were planning their wedding well before his own divorce was final. So underneath the mud there’s more mud!

  57. John McClain

    John McCain has at least 8 homes, and I’m guessing most of them count as mansions. But don’t let that stop you, Sean, defending that war hero you despised 5 minutes ago!! Oh, and the only reason John McCain might not be cheating on his current wife is because his penis has rotted off.

    But I still think he has cheated on her using his corroded, certified WAR HERO® stump…

  58. Garyosu

    I love this exchange. The best part of it is that McCain’s own statements belie InHannity’s argument. From an Arizona Republic article, McCain said “But my marriage’s collapse was attributable to my own selfishness and immaturity more than it was to Vietnam, and I cannot escape blame by pointing a finger at the war. The blame was entirely mine.” So even though McCain won’t point his finger at the war, Hannity is happy to blame it on the FIVE AND A HALF YEARS ALAN!

  59. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=60177]dano[/re]: And she had a shit-load of money. And, as Rush Limbaugh taught us, she isn’t so bright so she would use her mouth for something other than talking.

    Sort of like Nancy Reagan.

  60. sati demise

    [re=60162]Anon124816[/re]: You did not know John McCain had an affair?

    Did you know he drove a convertable red mustang,
    and dated a certified stripper before he was married?

    Ahh yes, McNasty has the Napoleon Psychosis of the small man.

  61. gliberal

    How long until Sean Hannity gets caught in the Port Authority men’s room with a twelve year old boy? Sean, there’s something gooey on your chin…

  62. UnreliableNarrator

    COLMES: So why is there this double–

    HANNITY: He was imprisoned for five and half years!

    COLMES: –this double standard–

    HANNITY: Five and a half years, ALAN.

    COLMES: –that you’re not applying to McCain.

    HANNITY: FIVE

    COLMES: Because McCain–

    HANNITY: AND A HALF

    COLMES: –also had an–

    HANNITY: YEARS! FIVE AND A HALF!

    COLMES: –extramarital–

    HANNITY: ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

  63. DP

    I’ve got to get one of those moral equivalency decoder rings that Sean Hannity obviously has, because I want to see if I’ve endured enough shit in my life to excuse me for punching him in his huge apish skull.

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