Wonkette
Just when you think the Department of Defense is too busy with actually physically bombing things to worry about nutty mind-control schemes or mosquito assassins, they come out with another freaky report that gives a dark and terrifying glimpse into a future of warfare featuring insanity-inducing drugs, brain-scanning, and “distributed human-machine systems.” In other words, just a day in the life of Cindy McCain, wife of the world’s oldest cyborg…
Here are some of the bizarre new techmologies our friends at the Defense Intelligence Agency are cooking up:
- “Sophisticated drugs, designed for dementia patients but also allowing troops to stay awake and alert for several days.”
- “Scanners able to read the intentions or memories of soldiers.”
- “Pharmacological landmines.”
- “The delivery of electrical pulses into a suspect’s brain [which delays] their ability to lie by interfering with its neurons.”
- “Research into ‘distributed human-machine systems’, including robots and military hardware controlled by an operator’s mind, is another particular area for optimism among researchers.”
What happened to the Cuddle Party? It’s so cold in here … So cold and dark…
Future wars ‘to be fought with mind drugs’ [Telegraph]
Look on the bright side: Most if not all these experiment are doomed to failure. At massive taxpayer expense!
WALNUTS! will be first in line for the demntia drugs. I can see that becoming sort of a hot commodity. Hm. Portfolio adjustment.
Well, the first 4 already exist - it’s called crystal methamphetamine. The last one exists too - it’s called T.V.
Man, I’d love to see the movie theatre at the Penatgon, they probably eat hot buttered babies…
“Future wars could see opponents attacking each other’s minds”
And a mind is a terrible thing to lose.
“Sophisticated drugs, designed for dementia patients but also allowing troops to stay awake and alert for several days.”
In Vietnam we had a natural, non-synthetic method for this. It was called, ‘Incredibly stupid platoon leader.’
freakishlystrong: Win!
Pharmacological landmine is the Secret Service nickname for Cindy McCain’s Miami Beach crash-pad.
“Scanners able to read the intentions or memories of soldiers.”
It’s going to be really useful having hundreds of scans resulting in “I cant wait to go home and see my wife and kids” and “god damn it, it’s hot”.
How about sending sound waves over long distances through some device, so you can communicate with someone that is not physically near you.
Pharmacological landmines? Sounds like most of the parties I went to in college. Certainly all that acid and dope blunted whatever threat I might have posed to the establishment.
The last time they said shit about “truth serums” and what not it all ended up being LSD and prostitutes.
“The delivery of electrical pulses into a suspect’s brain [which delays] their ability to lie…”
The final nail in the coffin of the permanent Republican majority.
Also, pharmacological landmines?! Can’t we just give our enemies Chinese toys, Big Macs and Twinkies?
Now can we just get someone from the Defense Intelligence Agency to clean up the “mouse droppings, belly-up cockroaches, stained carpets, cheap mattresses” etc. at Walter Reed Army Medical Center? Please? Thank you.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/17/AR2007021701172.html
>>”How can we disrupt the enemy’s motivation to fight?”
The same way we lost ours: TV, Twinkies, and the Internet.
Weren’t troops able to stay awake for long periods of time a plot for an X-Files episode? Glad to see our military is more inspired by sci-fi than NASA is and has plans less plausible than putting a person on Mars.
Larry Fine: Through itsy-bitsy wires? But that’s impossible!
What about the sharks with lasors on their heads?
Was it here that I heard about the gay bomb?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,281217,00.html
>>“Pharmacological landmines.”
Apparently, the DIA is planning to fight the next war in Ibeza.
How about targeting enemy troops with microwaves to their testicles.
Is that too 20th century?
CivicHoliday: As long as they’re not gay sharks, that sounds like a plan.
it’s only a matter of time before robots replace blue collar workers resulting in massive uprising and chaos. Have a great day!
“The delivery of electrical pulses into a suspect’s brain [which delays] their ability to lie by interfering with its neurons.”
This should be a required install for all politicians.
And all of this is easily *cough* foiled by a tin-foil hat. Stands to reason. Also, being totally insane is a good counter, too, so there’s hope.
YES. We’re gonna free THE SHIT out of you.
SayItWithWookies: I was gonna say: wouldn’t it have been nice to give Alberto Gonzales a shot of a drug that would delay his ability lie just before he testified in Congress?
Larry Fine: “How about sending sound waves over long distances through some device…” like for instance, the tongue and the ear? I’m sure Lockheed Martin is working on it now, through a cost-plus contract.
Darehead: “clean up… at Walter Reed…” No money for KBR in that. Who cares?
“Sophisticated drugs, designed for dementia patients but also allowing troops to stay awake and alert for several days.”
Why are we wasting taxpayer money on something that’s being manufactured in trailers across the country and is readily available for purchase right on my block in Seattle? Tell the Defense Department I can hook it up way cheaper than what they’re paying. Our shit will have you awake, alert and (with a certain other little pill) ready to bone for days on end. Wear a condom though.
when are they going to develop those suicide booths and holophoners?
demtard:
Shhhh! It’s called Operation Wide Stance.
KevoTron: So Meth + X + Viagra = that gay bomb they were working on?
Deepthroat:
I’d much rather have Bachelor Chow.
But can they make me speak 20 languages without an accent, like Matt Damon? If not, can I fuck Matt Damon? Please, sir? Thank you.
Noodle Salad: I think that’s Walnuts! code phrase for a subject you do NOT want to bring up with Cindy while she’s trippin. She claws, I tells ya!
KevoTron: Exactly! Think of the savings! Think of the jobs for Amur’cans! I would much rather have our troops taking something whipped up in back rooms and trailers in America out of cleaner and cough medicine, than something made in similar places out of pig intestines in China.
Sure, we laugh now, but 50 years ago they would have laughed at the concept of telephone signals traveling through the air and television signals traveling over wires.
demtard: gay bomb = any and all Project Runway spinoffs.
ManchuCandidate: Caution: Side effects include uncontrollable toe-tapping, breaking into perfectly choreographed song and dance from West Side story, a profound interest in teh buttsecs, and total loss of wrist muscle tone. Gay Bomb is not recommended if you are nursing or pregnant, or if…
sanantonerose: Do you want to cause a brownout of the entire nation? That’s not an energy policy I can believe in, Rose.
Hunter S. Thompson would consider this just a normal Tuesday night.
JeffGoldblum: You see, a pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.
…but we’ll keep wasting money on the War on Drugs so little Johnny can never fire up a spliff.
…not one mention of mechanized sex slaves?!
Jonathan Moreno, a bioethicist and the author of ‘Mind Wars: Brain Research and National Defense’, said “It’s too early to know which, if any, of these technologies is going to be practical until we try them on day-old kittens, the limp-wrist hippie beatnik protesters in St. Paul, Burmese monks and the surviving cast members of the Partridge Family. But it’s important for us to get ahead of the curve.
It’s sad day for America when bullets, cluster bombs, and satchel explosives are considered non-PC. — Dick Cheney
“Sophisticated drugs, designed for dementia patients but also allowing troops to stay awake and alert for several days.”
“Scanners able to read the intentions or memories of soldiers.”
“Pharmacological landmines.”
These initiatives should really help enlistment numbers.
Can we also have Tleilaxu Face Dancers? They could double as sex slaves.
Of course this kind of technology will be used by the military first. The real question is, when will it hit the world of porn?
“Pharmacological landmines.” ===> otherwise known as the Rite-Aid Prescription Auto Re-Fill Service
When the fuck am I gonna get one of those government issued Real Dolls?! Government spends all my money on missiles, liberty and bridges in Alaska, seems only fair I should screw them over by not marrying and spending my entire day humping an inanimate object while I grow the diabetes from eating too much Chinese food.
We’ll need new slogans…
Army of One Operator’s Mind
The Screwed, the Pharmed, the Maroons
Sleepless in Schofield
Cape Clod: No need to shell out big bucks to the Bene Tleilax for sex slaves when there’s female Halliburton employees around.
SayItWithWookies: *kaff-kaff* Cigarettes! Death by Marlborough Man! That’s what John McCain believes in.
(singing): Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songdetails/The%20Future%20Soon
Don’t forget the tactical aerosol sprays for ddddisspennssing g good ole LSD.
And it’s one two three what are we fighting for?
Darehead:
Blackwater to the Future
Be all that you can Be….In the Phaaaaarmacy!
Oh Say Can You See My Eyes if …. Oh, Me Neither
erymanthian bore:
Purple Haze. Now available without a prescription.
Voyou Charmant: “Scanners able to read the intentions or memories of soldiers.”
If heads don’t explode, they aren’t real Scanners.
Actually, I just got back from the future, or “fyoochurr” as they call it there. Eventually the U.S. Government starts distributing those “Sophisticated drugs, designed for dementia patients but also allowing troops to stay awake and alert for several days.” to their citizens. True story.
Welcome to the 21st century, earthlings, where humans learned to control their military with drugs!