Neocons Getting All Hot Over Imaginary New Cold War

  just let me put my warring pants on

Be warned: America’s class of neoconservatives have suddenly grown a POWERFUL NEW BONER. Russia and Georgia’s conflict 20 billion miles away has opened the door for the New Cold World War III, this time with SURROUND SOUND AND TEMPERATURE CONTROLLING CUP HOLDERS AND DIGITAL FIRE STEAMFUCK LIBERTY NUKES. Have no fear, because whenever a former Commie aggressor threatens God’s Democracy somewhere in the world, there’ll always be a Kagan somewhere just stone cold writin’ killer op-eds denouncing those fuckers.

This time it’s Robert Kagan. Which one is he? The father of the other Kagans? Or the mother of Fred Kagan and adopted grandchild of Donald Kagan? Or is he married to the neocon lady Kagan? Are there any Kagans who are also Klingons? Whatever, they all love bombing the Soviet Union forever, and sometimes they even land coveted guest columns in the Sacramento Bee. Let’s start at the ending:

Historians will come to view Aug. 8, 2008, as a turning point no less significant than Nov. 9, 1989, when the Berlin Wall fell.

Russia’s attack on sovereign Georgian territory marked the official return of history, indeed to an almost 19th-century style of great-power competition, complete with virulent nationalisms, battles for resources, struggles over spheres of influence and territory, and even — though it shocks our 21st-century sensibilities — the use of military power to obtain geopolitical objectives. Yes, we will continue to have globalization, economic interdependence, the European Union and other efforts to build a more perfect international order.

But these will compete with and at times be overwhelmed by the harsh realities of international life that have endured since time immemorial. The next president had better be ready.

Why we were just thinking how ready John McCain is! He’s been wanting to bomb the damn thing, what was it again, Japan, forever. Or was it Sumer and its terrible war capital, Ur? Well we’ll bomb all of it, because who else will stop Putin from gassing the Jews if not the United States, Jesus H….

Back to the beginning of the article. Can this particular Kagan make a Hitler reference in the first paragraph? UM, IS THE POPE A CATHOLIC NAZI?

The details of who did what to precipitate Russia’s war against Georgia are not very important. Do you recall the precise details of the Sudeten Crisis that led to Nazi Germany’s invasion of Czechoslovakia? Of course not, because that morally ambiguous dispute is rightly remembered as a minor part of a much bigger drama.

The events of the past week will be remembered that way, too. This war did not begin because of a miscalculation by Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili. It is a war that Moscow has been attempting to provoke for some time. The man who once called the collapse of the Soviet Union “the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the (20th) century” has re-established a virtual czarist rule in Russia and is trying to restore the country to its once-dominant role in Eurasia and the world. Armed with wealth from oil and gas; holding a near-monopoly over the energy supply to Europe; with a million soldiers, thousands of nuclear warheads and the world’s third-largest military budget, Vladimir Putin believes that now is the time to make his move.

______’s leader is consolidating executive power and selectively exercising ______’s authority to keep people scared of ______’s awesome force? ______ is trying to control the world’s oil supply, ______ has an intimidatingly large army and thousands of nuclear warheads, because ______ spends all of its fucking money on the military budget. ______ could very well declare war on an non-threatening country!

Kagan is right: this ______ is an evil nation and must be stopped.

Robert Kagan: War in Georgia is just Putin’s first step [Sacramento Bee]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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66 comments

  1. TGY

    I thought nobody invaded other countries, these days, especially to further their political ends. That was completely forbidden by international law.

    Oh, wait…

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    Holy mother fucking shit! What the hell is “war?” This is a totally fucking new term for the world. DUCK AND COVER.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    “Russia’s attack on sovereign Georgian territory marked the official return of history, indeed to an almost 19th-century style of great-power competition, complete with virulent nationalisms, battles for resources, struggles over spheres of influence and territory, and even — though it shocks our 21st-century sensibilities — the use of military power to obtain geopolitical objectives.”

    I thought the invasion of Iraq by the US based on bullshit was the return of 19th century Imperialism. One that was advocated fiercely by one Robert Kagan.

  4. MoodProcessor

    “…great-power competition, complete with virulent nationalisms, battles for resources, struggles over spheres of influence and territory, and even — though it shocks our 21st-century sensibilities — the use of military power to obtain geopolitical objectives.”

    Something about this sounds oddly fucking familiar. Just…can’t…place…it.

    I rack….you break…..

  5. nyhfrog

    If only all those people in Georgia were Black, African, Muslims we wouldn’t be having this problem because the Neo-Cons wouldn’t care.

  6. weirdiowasculpture

    At last we can get rid of all these damn 18 to 25 year old males we’ve been stockpiling, so us old guys can go after all the 18 to 25 year old females without unseemly competition from people who can actually get erections without pills.

  7. Vewol Mevemont

    But if Russia is the same old meanie USSR, doesn’t that mean that Nov. 9, 1989 wasn’t that significant after all, which implies that Aug. 8, 2008 wasn’t that significant either, which makes Nov. 9 more significant, which makes Aug. 8 more significant, which makes Nov. 9 less significant… Tear down this paradox, Mr. Kagan!

  8. MoodProcessor

    Is it possible that this is a satirical piece? I mean really…this is the most ridiculous piece of shit I have ever read. This beats Kristol by a c*ntry mile.

  9. qwerty42

    the nazis. it’s always the gd nazis. at least once couldn’t it be someone else? hell, i’d settle for the illinois nazis (and i hate the illinois nazis).

  10. lumpenprole

    …even — though it shocks our 21st-century sensibilities — the use of military power to obtain geopolitical objectives.

    I see Putin’s enjoying reading NATO the Kosovo script, but what’s the punchline to this joke?

  11. EnBuenOra

    Soon there will be enough Kagans in position of influence throughout the USA that they will rule the world! And yet they laughed at me at the Institute! Ha!

  12. AngryBlakGuy

    …the average American yokel has absolutely NO interest in Georgian conflict. If this is their knew cause celeb then they are highly over estimating the American people. No matter how much they try and blow this up to look like Armageddon it wont work. The Iraq invasion only worked because they convinced Americans that Iraq took part in 9-11 and was DEVELOPING nuclear weapons. Well Russia had nothing to do with 9-11 and has thousands of nuclear weapons aimed at American cities. I dont think the citizenry of the U.S. is itching to get involved into a shooting war with a country that actually has weapons of mass destruction and a leader crazy enough to use them. If anything this will reinforce the view of John McCain as warmongering, crotchety, senile old man!

  13. AfghanVet

    It is SOOOOO much easier to fight a war against other white people who aren’t all sneaky and shit.

    I’ll say it again…the new red staters simply will not get fired up about Russians reasserting themselves. They are white and supply unbelievably hot wives via mail order and totally buy into the Westernized pop culture. The Russians aren’t Godless anymore. In fact, they worship our God now…money.

  14. WhatTheHeck

    “… or how I learned to love the bomb and hate the gays.”
    - the Neocon Pledge of Allegiance

  15. KevoTron

    [re=58824]nyhfrog[/re]: No shit. The only time they care about Black, Muslims are when they run for President.

    I think it’s high time we reintroduce the draft. Specifically for middle-aged NeoCon pundits. More specifically Michelle Malkin because she kicked me off her blog for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

  16. nietzscheprojectile

    [re=58821]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, not when we’re heading towards winter. Oh wait, global warming is totally helping us out with that. Yay.

  17. WadISay

    Somewhere on a planet circling a star in Orion, a democratic colony of small, white, Christian ant-like creatures is being menaced by a colony of atheist cockroaches. Beat your plowshares into swords, American, this outrage cannot stand in Orion year 78×10 to the 23rd power. War = neocon V1agra.

  18. Johnny Zhivago

    Third largest military budget? I think ours is actually like twice as big as the rest of the world combined.

    They have an ugly paint scheme on their tanks which look like they are made of bricks since they are covered in the dumbest looking reactive armor applique in history. Their “precision guided munitions” are a guy hanging out the window and pissing. I mean, the Russians can’t even afford nice uniforms, and you know the side with the best uniforms ALWAYS wins!

  19. GlennBecksTaint

    [re=58848]AfghanVet[/re]: Its true, Putin and Bush even vacation together. I’m sure Bushie signed off on this war months ago.

  20. Cookie Guggelman

    After 7+ years of George W Bush my “21st-century sensibilities” are beyond shock–though, perhaps, not awe.

  21. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=58846]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: This is why Miss South Carolina’s idea to give out maps was such a good idea. There are lot of people who are going to think this war is between Tennessee and Florida.

  22. AngryBlakGuy

    …and once again I must ask, “why in the fukk do they always pick a fight that they cant win”? For all the “strong military” hot air that Neo-Cons blow up everyone’s ass, have they ACTUALLY EVER WON A WAR!?!?!?

  23. AfghanVet

    [re=58859]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: That is not paint. That is reactive armor that keeps many of our smaller AT weapons from being useful unless they have Armor Piercing capabilities like a depleted uranium rod in the warhead. RPGs and the like actually use kinetic energy combined with chemical heat to penetrate armor and that shit is totally defeated by reactive armor.

  24. user-of-owls

    [re=58859]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: you know the side with the best uniforms ALWAYS wins!

    If that was the case, the Ethiopians would still be speaking Italian.

  25. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=58871]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Go watch “The Military Channel” for a few hours. These people have themselves convinced they’ve WON EVERY WAR!

  26. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=58873]AfghanVet[/re]: Yeah, I know, but they are still fucking ugly tanks compared to ours! Go USA!

  27. Servo

    These Crisco-brained imbeciles don’t have the mental capacity to fathom thermonuclear warfare. That’s what Russia’s Defense Minister threatened if Russia or her allies were attacked.

  28. Junior

    What is it about living in a place called Georgia that makes the people who live there so fucking stupid, regardless of where it is?

  29. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=58859]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: …well the Russian military hasn’t been been ran ragged and spread thin by a drunkard and his puppet master. At this point I wouldn’t bet on the U.S. military in fight against Canada(dont get any Ideas moose fukkers!).

  30. Mr. Herpes

    Didn’t I read somewhere that Secretary Gates went down to the Pentagon’s basement playroom where the Defense Working Group used to have slumber parties and tossed all their Avalon-Hill war games into the trash. Looks like Kagan fished out the “Stalingrad” box and has been playing Paul Wolfowitz again. I wonder which one gets to be the Germans?

  31. NotNotLickingToads

    [re=58846]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Crazy? Crazy like a fox!

    Well, I guess that beats “stupid like a fox,” which is what we got here in the U.S.

  32. Mr. Herpes

    Another interesting factoid about these Laz-E-Boy generals is they all think they were Churchill in an earlier life.

  33. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=58864]user-of-owls[/re]: Now we know where Cindy’s money-filled hands have been going.

  34. qwerty42

    fwiw, Sullivan provided this linkfor a view of how the neighboring states in the Black Sea view the conflict.
    And at TPM, Josh Marshall provides this disturbing link; in fairness, this is probably intended only for Georgian consumption (too crazy otherwise), but probably not a good idea.

  35. populucious

    Thank you for the awesome Neocon Madlib Wonkette. Just fill in every blank with Hitler and we’re good to go!

  36. Hooray For Anything

    [re=58928]dano[/re]: I think it’s more like they love playing Risk. But definitely not Diplomacy.

  37. jagorev

    Matt Yglesias nailed it:

    “It seems to me that rather than specifically informing us of each and every time something happens in the world that reminds neocons of the Sudetenland crisis, maybe they should let us know on those rare occasions when a world event doesn’t spark a Munich analogy.”

  38. WadISay

    If this is available as a podcast, it will have a pounding bass drum and a deep voice going DOOM da DOOM DOOM.

  39. V572625694

    [re=58871]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Oh ABG, surely you can see it isn’t about “victory.” That’s some elitist, lefty concept like “liberty” or “privacy.”

    It’s about perpetual war. This allows tax revenues like a mighty river to stream towards KBR and Lockheed Martin, and all the dissenters to be scared of a sojourn at Gitmo.

    The neocons have got themselves convinced that Iraq is now just a minor annoyance (to be quieted by the ongoing presence of 190,000 contractor personnel), so new threats are needed. And we loved, loved, LOVED Russia and the Soviet Union as an enemy. They had nukes, we had nukes. They had ballistic missile subs, so we had to have them too, they had Bear bombers so we needed B-52s. The symmetry is so satisfying.

  40. econdave

    Send this fat f*** to the frontline and then see how much he supports the war. And is it just me, or does it seem like all of the neocons get a woody just thinking about a war with Russia and/or China and/or Iran?

  41. StrangelyBrown

    I put this article through the Neocon Babelfish, and here’s what I got:

    “GODDAMMIT, ROOSKIES, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN INVADE AN INSIGNIFICANT COUNTRY AND OVERTHROW ITS GOVERNMENT WHENEVER WE WANT!!1!!11″

    So basically we’re threatening to go to war with Russia because they’re trying to horn in on our racket. George Carlin was right again.

    Also, lots of people remember the details about the crisis in the Sudetenland. I think he’s counting on no one remembering for his analogy to work.

  42. Anon124816

    I wouldn’t say that it’s all that delusional to see a return of the Cold War. It was actually rather bizarre that Russia went so quietly from Superpower to nothingness. Now they are getting strong again, as USA is getting weak. They also have as much oil as Saudi Arabia. So I wouldn’t take the Russian resurgence all that lightly.

    The Russians are also master chess players, and they know that we have all our pieces in Iraq and Afghanistan, so they can do whatever they want. Not to mention that we were dumb enough to get embroiled in Afganistan, which was Russia’s Vietnam. And might become ours. Let ‘em grow their opiium in piece and maybe they won’t be terrorists.

  43. loquaciousmusic

    Do you recall the precise details of the Sudeten Crisis that led to Nazi Germany’s invasion of Czechoslovakia?

    I recall that it had something to do with “yo momma” jokes. At least, that’s what I learned in SHUT THE FUCK UP NEO-CONS!

  44. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    You know, this Klingon is pretty smart. First of all, the Sacramento Bee is a fine newspaper, founded in the Cali gold rush by itinerant sheep herders and currently run by a retired almond grower from Modesto. Excellent journalistic standards, so when they run a piece by a known Klingon – even a Joo from outer space – it’s got to be good.

    Secondly, chubby little Bobby Klingon, born in the U.S. territory of Greece – which shares borders with Georgia and Greenland – is a real smartypants. Yale, Harvard and, according to McCainapedia, “co-founder of the Project for the New American Century and one of the signers of the January 1998 letter sent to President Clinton, promoting regime change in Iraq.”

    You remember PNAC – they sponsored the fireworks of 9/11 that launched our current drive for worldwide democracy and economic collapse. Good folks, simple hard-working white Bitters. Not a truck nut amongst ‘em.

    Anyhow, Klingon is right when he says, “The details of who did what to precipitate Russia’s war against Georgia are not very important.” Everyone, even little Miss Meghan McSame, knows that life isn’t about details or facts or science – it’s about ideology!

  45. Canuckledragger

    OK, so if this is WW2 all over again, this means y’all will be sitting out the first 2+ years and wait to get attacked before y’all do anything? While virtually everybody else does the fightin’ and dyin’? But when it’s apparent who will prevail, you’ll side with them and then claim all the credit, right? So the US and the Russkies will be allies once again, and together will kick the shit out of Georgia, huh?

    Did I get this right, Mr. Kangaroo? ‘Coz you sure didn’t.

  46. schvitzatura

    What goodies exactly were the Iraq-deployed Georgians allowed to transport back into Georgia on their deadhead flight back to Tbilisi?

    C17 Globemaster: 170,900 lb (77,519 kg) of cargo distributed at max over 18 463L master pallets or a mix of palletized cargo and vehicles

    ‘Murican “lend-leasing” to Georgians…shades of Kondor Legion proving ground for new weapon systems?

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