EXCITING GIVEAWAYS  11:01 pm August 12, 2008

Hey Rascals, Time Is Running Out On Your Chance To Win An ‘American Wife’

by Sara K. Smith

Trust us, you do not want to mess with Jane WymanIn a mere twelve-ish hours or so, Wonkette’s one-time-only “name your favorite First Lady” contest will close. So check out the Official Rules here and send in your wonderful 25-word Idears (that is what famous First Lady Howard Dean calls them) to tips@wonkette.com by noon tomorrow with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE. You might just win yourself a copy of that book, American Wife! Meanwhile, if you do not participate in this contest, you will be forced to chant “Nancy Reagan” into a mirror five times until the ghost of Jane Wyman shows up and murders you with a rusty eyelash curler.

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Hola wonkerados.

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SayItWithWookies August 12, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Tony Blair. Because he was first lady to two presidents.

Perot le fou August 12, 2008 at 11:17 pm

She may have been a strumpet but at least she wasn’t a secret papist like Jessie Benton Frémont.

Larry McAwful August 12, 2008 at 11:17 pm

I have totally won this contest already. Go ahead and enter, though. It’ll just be a cute formality.

pattycake August 12, 2008 at 11:24 pm

Second prize is two copies.

I hope John deLancie does the audio book.

shortsshortsshorts August 12, 2008 at 11:37 pm


tunamelt August 12, 2008 at 11:51 pm

Yeah, whoo! Woman’s synchronized diving!

[re=58289]Larry McAwful[/re]: This is one of those contests where if you win, you lose.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 13, 2008 at 12:13 am

[re=58301]tunamelt[/re]: The Kobayashi Maru, eh?

Mahousu August 13, 2008 at 12:18 am

Florence Harding, because she’s the only one who may actually have murdered her husband over his affairs. Plus she would spank newsboys at the paper they ran.

tunamelt August 13, 2008 at 12:22 am

[re=58310]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Nerd! But yes.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 13, 2008 at 12:29 am

[re=58312]tunamelt[/re]: If I win, i’m going to have them send it to someone I hate.

tunamelt August 13, 2008 at 12:34 am

[re=58313]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Yeah, I’ve been considering who I’d gift it, too. It has to be the right combination of passive-aggressive resentment.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 13, 2008 at 12:45 am

[re=58316]tunamelt[/re]: Apt description. I’m considering my mother… it’s her birthday in about six weeks.

Guppy06 August 13, 2008 at 12:49 am

Since it’s coming directly from the publisher, I guess the Beloved Wonkette Editors won’t be signing it.

tunamelt August 13, 2008 at 12:51 am

Safety first!

[re=58321]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: I would feel uncomfortable knowing my mother read that, after reading clips. I feel uncomfortable knowing I’ve read it.

Johnny Zhivago August 13, 2008 at 12:52 am

Maybe I should enter. I really need something to prop this door open behind me.

BTW, the greatest First Lady was Mrs. Millard Filmore for putting up with the development of “soap on a roap”, which occured during her husband’s administration.

spencer August 13, 2008 at 1:10 am

Whenever I get mad at Jonah Goldberg existing, I take solace in the fact that he married a horse.


NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 13, 2008 at 1:15 am

[re=58325]tunamelt[/re]: I thrive on raising levels of discomfort, especially for family members.

Tyrone Slothrop August 13, 2008 at 1:16 am

I already won an American Wife once. Never again, thanks.

melving August 13, 2008 at 1:24 am

Does James Buchanan’s boyfriend count?

PeteJayhawk v2.0 August 13, 2008 at 1:46 am

Hey. Smith.

Have you considered that nobody gives a flying fuck about this crappy book, and perhaps Blogads should re-evaluate that fucking survey you made us fill out to find some fucking incentive we fucking care about?

Have you considered that?

That, or that we’re all Abigail Fillmore fans?

Wee Mousie August 13, 2008 at 1:53 am

I would vote for Dolley Madison.

She may have been an early First Lady, but the house warming Dolley held when that Limey, General Ross, called, back in 1814, has never been equalled.

tunamelt August 13, 2008 at 2:10 am

[re=58342]Wee Mousie[/re]: …just ask McCain?

/drum lick and cymbal

Serolf Divad August 13, 2008 at 6:44 am

My favorite first lady was Sally Hemmings. Jefferson actually married Martha Wayles Skelton, but she was a lesbian and the marriage was a sham meant only to allow Jefferson to keep up appearances while continuing to enjoy Hemmings in a carnal way. Jefferson had a round bed like the rotating bed in that Austin Powers movie, and Jefferson used to refer to it as his stack of pancakes and Hemmings as his sweet, sticky, dark molasses. Paradoxically, the sham marriage also allowed Skelton to also have her way with Hemmings who was bisexual and insatiable and had three nipples.

I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere… maybe Wikipedia… or Conservapedia or something.

Sara K. Smith August 13, 2008 at 7:51 am

[re=58341]PeteJayhawk v2.0[/re]: This has nothing to do with BlogAds. And fuck Abigail Fillmore.

Anita Cocktail August 13, 2008 at 8:55 am

No thanks. Having lived thru the real deal, I just don’t have the stomach for the fictionalized version…

National Fried Boloney League August 13, 2008 at 9:03 am

Frances Folsom Cleveland, only because of the creepiness factor of having good ol’ Grover practically being her step-father, then tying the knot as soon as she hit 21.

Jackie O, for spawning Mrs.Dr.Girlfriend-The Monarch.

Anna Harrison…..10 kids. ’nuff said.

Mary Todd Lincoln, just cause she was bat-shit crazy.

loquaciousmusic August 13, 2008 at 10:58 am

My favorite first lady is Cindy McCain.

S.Luggo August 13, 2008 at 11:17 am

Patty Lupone.

I’d enter if the prize were a photo of John Edwards’ mewling little bastard (the one that he had with Rielle ‘Druggie McOld Slut-slut’ Hunter, that is). Or a roll of Mentos.

adjudicate August 13, 2008 at 11:56 am

I hate to say it, but I am really enjoying this book. I work at a (DC) bookstore, and I got an advanced reading copy. Besides my requisite current affairs books and literary fiction, I definitely dabble in crappy fiction, and this is the best crappy fiction I’ve read in a long time. It’s ridiculously engaging, to my dismay. I keep forgetting “Charlie” is George Bush, though, so maybe that’s why I’m still interested.

I’m only at the part where he buys the baseball team (spoiler alert? whatever), so maybe it gets horrible once they talk about the White House, etc.

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