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Bachmann: Nancy Pelosi Is Not Jesus, At All

Your favorite crazy Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, today: “[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she’s just trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet — we didn’t need Nancy Pelosi to do that.” Al Gore saved the planet 2,000 years ago, too? Well he obviously didn’t do a very good job then; why should we trust him now? Oh and Michele Bachmann, she’s nuts, just completely gone. [OneNewsNow via TPM Election Central]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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66 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    “We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet — we didn’t need Nancy Pelosi to do that.”
    Yes, and thank you Julius Caesar — if it hadn’t been for you, we’d all be speaking Pictish.

  2. AngryBlakGuy

    …”they saved the planet”, who the hell is “they”?! Does this mean we can have more than one X-mas? And if so may I suggest we name them “Y-mas” and “Z-mas”!

  3. Dave J.

    I’ll use that logic the next time some Republican tells me we need to defeat Al Qaeda to save the planet.

    “Sorry, Jesus did that already—2,000 years ago!”

  4. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “Oh the loons. The loons!”

    What? You mean Katherine Hepburn wasn’t talking about Bachmann?

  5. american mutt

    [re=58015]Dave J.[/re]: Mukasey: “Sorry, Jesus violated that law—2,000 years ago!”

  6. shortsshortsshorts

    Man Nancy’s getting a lot of shit today. I was chilling over on Malkin’s blog (because I love her so much) and they were slaughtering her left and right.

  7. Larry McAwful

    Since the planet’s already been saved, we don’t need to do any maintenance? Who knew?

    Somewhere I had the notion that Jesus was just saving souls, not the environment. What Bible is Rep. Bachmann using?

  8. Borat

    she’s really cute in a vampiress kind of way. but the fact she’s 2000 years old is pretty scary, and i think that’s even older than mccain

  9. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=58035]RuperttheBear[/re]: HA! Don’t worry KevoTron managed to get a UN, and we trolled the SHIT out of it. I wish I could do the same to Bachman.

  10. Political Addict

    If Jesus’ father didn’t want us to burn petroleum, why did he put it in the ground 6,000 years ago?

  11. Scooter

    If you took Michelle Bachmann, pushed her into a limo with Tina Turner and then shifted that effer into Overdrive, well then you’d be Takin’ Care of Business!!

  12. Mr. Herpes

    Somebody should remind Church Lady that the Big Guy who saved the planet 2,000 years ago also drowned every man, woman and child on the planet just a few centuries before that, except for Noah and his daddy-lovin’ daughters. And two of every animal. All according to the Good Book, of course. Hey, what’s PETA doing about God, by the way? He must be right at the top of their Shit List.

  13. masterofzen

    Doctors are committed to their medical fanaticism to the point where they have said that they’re just trying to heal the sick. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they healed the sick — we didn’t need doctors to do that.

    Hey, that’s actually what Christian Scientists believe, I think!

  14. KevoTron

    Yes, I must admit… I’ve been wanting to troll that site for MONTHS. I tried to be civil yesterday but reasoning with those idiots is like…. well… it’s just fucking horrible. Please go read the threads about Pelosi needing to bring the House back in session and the Rick Warren post. Comic gems.

    Of course there was the standard Big Sale on Truck Nutz post that ought to keep them wondering. Or buying Truck Nutz.

  15. Political Addict

    Deuteronomy 32:13 (King James Version)

    13He made him ride on the high places of the earth, that he might eat the increase of the fields; and he made him to suck honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock;

    does that mean we should pulverize all that oil shale in the West?

  16. JeffGoldblum

    So, if I’m s’posin’ this rightly, the Jews are responsible for global warming? I’m confused.

  17. The Station Manager

    Oh shit, I was just talking about the “Bring-Jebus-Up-Whenever-Possible” phenomenon! Mentioned in said conversation was “That looks like a good book. You know what else is a good book? THE GOOD BOOK.”

  18. LittlePig

    [re=58060]Political Addict[/re]: I bet ol’ Michelle has sucked some honey out of a few hard rocks in her day.

  19. angryhippopotamus

    “over 2,000 years ago” not to be picky but didn’t he die in 33ad? just askin’.

  20. Not_So_Much

    With those eyes, she’d look way more sane if she were brandishing a hatchet.

    You can by looking at her that she believes that HE speaks through her! It’s through her ass, but still…

  21. Hooray For Anything

    I must have missed the part in the Bible about Jesus saving polar bears from melting snow caps.

  22. pdiddycornchips

    If Michelle really studied the bible instead of just watched evangelical preachers on TV, she’d soon realize what a uppity twit he can be sometimes. Genesis 22:1-18. Abraham brings his only son, Isaac to some far off mountain god directs him to. God says, “kill him!” Abraham grabs a knife, god says “ha!!! Just kidding you stupid jew bastard.” What kind of deity does that shit?

  23. hockeymom

    OK, so I was invited to some sort of big shindig at the Republican convention which I was planning on turning down, but I am strongly reconsidering based on the chance that I can get a picture of myself with the lovely Ms. Bachmann. THAT alone would probably be worth the pain of the event.

  24. Not_So_Much

    [re=58106]hockeymom[/re]: Be sure to ram your tongue down her throat — cuz that’s how she rolls…

  25. weirdiowasculpture

    OH! She was talking about Jeebus! I though she was talking about McCain! Thanks for ‘splainin’

  26. randomsausage

    I think Republicans like Bachmann have a right old laugh at the shit the fundies are prepared to believe….and say stuff like this as a sort of inside joke. Bachmann’s probably on the phone with McCain now….”you wouldn’t believe the crap I came out with today, and the yokels fuckin’ loved it.”

  27. WhatTheHeck

    [re=58090]Not_So_Much[/re]:
    Right on two counts.

    1. Plucking her eyebrows that much eventually damages her frontal lobes.
    2. God once spoke to some guy or the other, through his ass. It’s there in the leather-bound book.
    So it’s quite possible Bachmann’s been hearing voices.

  28. madirishman

    [re=58021]RuperttheBear[/re]: And I’m sick of athiestic trolls like you setting yourselves up as god.

    [re=58104]pdiddycornchips[/re]: The same Deity who said, “…because you acted as you did in not withholding from Me your beloved son, I will bless you abundantly and make your descendants as countless as the stars of the sky and the sands of the seashore…” (Genesis 22:15) One of those descendants happens to be…you! I think Abraham came out ahead on that deal. Read the whole Bible, not just the stuff you want to make fun of.

    Is Bachmann looney tunes? Hell, yeah. But don’t tar all Christians with the same brush.

  29. Not_So_Much

    [re=58134]hockeymom[/re]: I understand — even with a gallon of chloroseptic, I wouldn’t be able to do it myself.

    But, it would make an awesome picture!!

  30. Political_Muse

    Words cannot describe how proud I am that this woman represents me! Ok, some words can describe it and in no particular order they are: F*ck, the, & What.

  31. grevillea

    [re=58133]madirishman[/re]: Yes, it’s very important to obey the voices in your head telling you to murder people. I mean, sure, it may not be God this time, but best to be on the safe side…

  32. Political_Muse

    We here in the 6th District of Minnesota are more than willing to make a trade for another representative. Now, I understand that ours shows considerable damage but to sweeten the deal we can throw in a couple first round draft picks. Any takers? PLEASE!

  33. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=58133]madirishman[/re]: No. All “Christians” believe in a “god” that exists and acts
    in the world in ways manifestly at odds with modern principles of logic and evidence.
    Such laws and evidence have improved markedly in recent centuries, and anyone still clinging
    to this irrational view today is indeed loony. Bachman is more comical and
    potentially dangerous than many Christians, but not fundamentally any loonier. Cheer
    up though. You wouldn’t have been thought loony 200 years ago. Perhaps if you pray hard,
    God will make you a time machine.

    BTW: If you claim the word “Christian” for any of a long list of untestable metaphysical
    assertions, (e.g. “God is Love”, “The Fundamental Mover”) you’re simply not using the term accurately. See instead the new age movement, Spinoza, Deism, etc.

  34. KTHXBAI

    Every time I see good ol’ Pearl Necklace Bachman I think of Gladys Leeman from Drop Dead Gorgeous. You know the batshit one who wore her wife apron and mom hat and accidentally killed her daughter on the giant swan made in Mexico.

  35. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    Whenever I see a woman standing in front of an oil well holding a sign reading “drill here, drill now” I just assume she’s a prostitute. Wouldn’t you?

  36. Political_Muse

    [re=58217]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: In that case, you would think that David Vitter and Eliot Spitzer would be all over this “drill here, drill now” campaign.

    Well, at least it is American energy she wants to tap and not foreign energy.

  37. AnnieGetYourFun

    [tries to decide if this Bachman lady should be added to her list of RILFs... cannot decide... goes back to drinking]

  38. madirishman

    [re=58196]grevillea[/re] and [re=58210]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Pascal’s Wager, kids. Belief in God is the smart bet. If I believe in God, and if God exists, when I die and stand before God, I gain eternal life. If you DON’T believe in God, and if God exists, when you die…well, good luck with that.

    Beyond that, your level of intolerance is amazing. You have a constitutional right to your non-belief. I have a constitutional right to my belief. RuperttheBear made a sweeping generalization about Christians. I wrote in opposition to that generalization. Why jump all over me?

    The “modern principles of logic and evidence” that you refer to were invented by man to explain the world around us. You assert that religion was also invented by mAn. If both those statements are true, then how can one (logic or religion)be more valid than the other? Logic and evidence cannot prove the existence of love, loyalty, friendship, mercy, forgiveness, charity, patience, etc., and yet we all believe in these things.

    Logic and evidence can only prove the existence of finite things that can be measured. Since God is an infinite value, He cannot be measured, and His existence can neither be proved or disproved. That’s why it’s called BELIEF. “There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

  39. SayItWithWookies

    [re=58257]madirishman[/re]: Pascal’s Wager — really?! Ah yes, I remember in Romans, where Saul of Tarsus says you’ll be saved by faith, not works. And if you can’t muster faith, then play the odds. It’s transcendent, really.

  40. WonkaBee

    Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
    Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
    God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
    God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
    The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
    Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
    God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

    Dylan was great….

  41. WonkaBee

    Well, there’s a lot of revoltin’ stuff in the Bible…

    Psa 137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy [shall he be], that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
    Psa 137:9 Happy [shall he be], that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

    C’mon, Get Happy!!

  42. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=58257]madirishman[/re]: Lighten up. That’s not the worst a Christian can face (see Christian Martyrs, et al). A little guff is nothing. McCain remembers when Xians had to face lions, of just a pyre. And, I think I remember some doctrine that says you should embrace suffering your lot in this world and be good, you’ll get yours up in heaven. (Cuz of course *we*’re all good enough.)

    And the problem with proving “love, loyalty, friendship, mercy, forgiveness, charity, patience, etc.” is that instead of anthropomorphizing those concepts, we should understand them as the response to our conditioning and environments.

    Salve, salve Sophia.

  43. WonkaBee

    Then there’s this New Testament gem:

    Rom 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

    Which was Paul’s rehash of something from Proverbs:

    Pro 25:21 If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:
    Pro 25:22 For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.

    That’s all the Bible lessons from me for tonight! :-)

  44. sati demise

    [re=58286]WonkaBee[/re]: And then some religious wonk will come out and say the heaping of coals is an orientalism,
    that it means something like he would get to sleep in the best place by the fire, blah, blah, blah.
    They have a story for every story.
    Layers of stories. Myth upon myth. psychedelic.

  45. regisgoat

    [re=58257]madirishman[/re]: OK, I’ll bite, even though I know I shouldn’t. Pascal’s wager isn’t about some transcendent cosmic muffin of love that loves us all (even the incredibly unlovable W.). Pascal was a French Catholic of the 1500s (I believe, could have been 1600s, but same difference). His wager makes no sense unless you consider life after death as a situation of standing in the presence of an angry Catholic God who’ll sentence you to Hell for not believing in him. Pascal’s Wager says you believe or you burn, so its better to believe.
    Here’s Regisgoat’s wager: I conduct my life as if there is no God–it’s been working for me for the past 40 years. I die, and there is a God, and he says “I am the Personification of Unlimited Love, and you shall spend eternity with me.” I go, “sure, why not.”
    Or else I die, and that’s that. I win either way.
    I’d love to have lived long enough to see humanity take credit for their capacity to love and endure, just like they take credit for their weaknesses, instead of blaming the latter on themselves, and saying that the former was the result of an invisible sky god. But that’s not going to happen.

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