Wonkette
NASA, which means FAIL in the Moon Man language, has announced the doomed zillion-dollar replacement for the rust-bucket death-trap space shuttles that haven’t yet blown up won’t be ready until at least September of 2014, which means “never” in the Moon Man language.
Four decades ago, when Lyndon Johnson was president, NASA began work on the American space shuttle — basically a World War II glider covered in shoddily-attached ceramic bathroom tiles and bits of packaging foam. The first functional shuttle, Columbia, finally got to Low Earth Orbit in 1981, and other than occassionally explode, that’s all the space shuttles ever did. This was the bold follow-up to the Apollo program, which put people on the Moon. We were supposed to have mining colonies in the asteroid belt by now, and Four Seasons resorts on Mars.
But no, America had another destiny in the 1970s: to suck forever. So we got the Space Shuttle, with the first one named for a gay ’60s teevee show about an America that actually explored the universe on spaceships. Ha ha, but our Enterprise was basically a large, dumb carry-on strapped to a regular old 747. It couldn’t even go into Low Earth Orbit, let alone go where no man has gone before or whatever. (The Columbia, as we said, was the first one to actually get out of the atmosphere. Later, it blew up too.)
So, in the magical era of space exploration known as the 1960s, when a basic computer would fill a warehouse and could only count to nine, we went from manned space capsules spinning around the world to manned spaceships flying to the Moon and back to manned spaceships landing on the Moon and exploring and collecting shit and driving a Dune Buggy around and playing motherfucking golf on the Moon, like men, to a 30+ year program of flying dumb space shuttles in circles around the Earth while “astronauts” do science experiments for 2nd graders.
Now, with the kind of five-decades-ago policy style that has defined his presidency, George W. Bush is pushing something called the “Orion,” which is basically the Apollo program again, but now the capsule has a “camping toilet” so the crew doesn’t have to wear shitty diapers for a week, like the babies of meth addicts. Otherwise, it’s Apollo, with more seats. Probably bigger seats, too, for America’s new fat astronauts.
And what is this dumb half-century-old technology supposed to do? Initially, nothing more than what the useless space shuttles did: Maybe manage to get into Low Earth Orbit and drop off some stuff from CostCo to whatever lonesome drunken Russian is aboard our brave flying double-wide, the International Space Station. And today, NASA sadly announced it wouldn’t be able to get this simple space capsule into space, on a common rocket, like we used to do all the goddamned time, any sooner than September of 2014.
And then, eleven years from now, the Orion is supposed to do what Apollo did in 1969: land on the moon, with people, and bring those people home. Here are some things that didn’t even exist yet, in July 1969, when we first went to the Moon using the same technology Orion will supposedly use in 2019:
- Computer floppy drives, which have been obsolete for a decade now.
- The VCR, which has been obsolete for a decade now.
- The video game PONG, which has been obsolete for a quarter-century now.
- The Walkman portable cassette-tape player, which has been obsolete for twenty years now.
- The dot-matrix printer, which has been obsolete for 15 years now.
- Etc.
Meanwhile, over at the Mojave Spaceport and at a half-dozen other private spacecraft test sites, they’re building space planes today that will be selling tourist seats next year and going to other planets before the next NASA tinker toy is ever rolled out for its first aborted launch, the end.
Space shuttle replacement delayed until 2014 [The Register]
NASA Worries About Design Flaws [Red Orbit]
Don’t forget Tang(TM)!
And they’ll need lots of duct tape, as if this thing is anything like the others, they’ll have lots of “oh, everything is fine, America, that part wasn’t needed” moments, when they are actually desperately trying to figure out how to fit part A into slot B in a zero gravity vaccuum.
I swear, astronauts have to be suicidal.
Yup. I’ve got a tip for you folks.
In November a new series documenting all the efforts to go to Mars will be coming on. Guess what? NASA isn’t part of it, at all.
It’s good they can still get the shuttles into orbit still, though… sometimes.
If those astronauts can’t get off their damn space station, that’s a problem of local government. Sheesh — why do these crybabies want the feds to do everything for them?
This is disappointing. We are totally not on track to fulfill our Star Trek:TNG or BSG destinies.
It’s time to build the “Space Elevator” and forget about rocket ships!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_elevator
Imagine if something went wrong with that baby, and a 20,000 ton counterweight was dragged repeatedly around the world at the end of an unbreakable, nuclear bomb resistant cable moored in outer space!
Well, that’s because obviously the lunar landing was fake.
And how come we don’t have flying cars yet, dammit! It’s 200andfrickin’8, for the love of Christ, and I want a goddamn flying car!
I’m still very bitter about all the broken promises of the space age. I was expecting at least one trip to the moon before I kicked the bucket. No jet pack, no flying cars, not even robot cars that drive themselves, not even cars that talk to you but you still have to steer them. Just stupid little plastic things with telephones and the internet on them - this is our brave new world.
Soma me, please.
…NASA is experiencing what happens when politics is introduced into any branch of the government. It turns into a great big bag of what the fukk! During the Apollo program everyone’s focus was on achieving a single goal, now NASA is nothing more than another means of funneling pork.
The Orion project has serious underfunding problems, and even though Bush acted like he was rah, rah, let’s go to Mars, he sabotaged the agency by implanting the same kinds of moronic political appointees that have ruined so many other government projects, like the DOJ.
NASA would rock if it had the right support.
NASA (under Nixon) decided to destroy five warehouses worth of blueprints and specs for the Saturn V rocket. Why? Didn’t want a cheaper (turns out) competitor to the new Space Shuttle.
Problem hasn’t been private vs public.
Raygun. Blew about $1 Trillion dollars on tax cuts for the Rich. (Some might argue for cuts in the huge military spending, too.)
Bush 1 wanted a Mars Landing Program. Instead spent some $500 billion (in 1992 dollars) on bailing out his buddies and his retarded son from the Savings and Loan Debacle. Cost of a manned Mars shot? Approx $200-300 billion.
W wants to go to the moon. Instead went charging off to Iraq to recover some Yellowcake Uranium and cleaning supplies aka WMD. Cost $2 TRILLION and counting. Tax cuts for his base of rich white people. Cost $3-4 TRILLION.
Instead NASA’s been reduced to getting space supplies from Home Depot and Walmart.
It’s kind of like curing a disease. If you actually do it right, then you’re out of a job. (See Jonas Salk, polio, complete destruction of polio-related gizmo industry, and related entries). Incompetence = job security! Yay! (Oops, that should have said “incmsotpnce = mdsue ssudcrity!”)
walnuts4brkfst: …I always envisioned “Babylon 5″ like space station, needless to say I’m very disappointed in the ISS.
Johnny Zhivago: …you are so trying to bate me into rant, you bastard!
Worry Free Sex - Obsolete since 1981
HeyHey: Ha ha. NASA’s leadership is obviously just a bunch of religious assholes that don’t want to go into space anyway. They’re afraid the rockets will disturb Jeebus on his cloud.
I think that it must get sorted out by John Titor’s time.
This article is the greatest history of the American space program ever written. I smell Pulitzer.
I also want Obama to adopt “We used to play motherfucking golf on the Moon, like men” as his new campaign slogan.
This entry sounds like somebody didn’t get to go to Space Camp.
ManchuCandidate: …add all those wastes of taxpayer money together and we have our first Dreadnought class Super Star Destroyer.
Noodle Salad: No jetpacks, maybe, but have you seen the Roomba?! No way that could have happened without the space program.
Wow. There’s some almost Paultard-level dorkiness and tin foil hattery going on here. I love it.
Personally, I think that if Nasa weren’t run by a race of Florida sex offenders, they’d be spending their time and money on unmanned shit that can go to Mars and back for $50.
jagorev: and we all know that the Roomba + small household pets = God’s gift to YouTubers. Yay, American Dream!
ManchuCandidate:
Actually, NASA has been buying stuff on eBay, seriously!
Some of the shuttles computers were so old that they needed 286 & 386 chips. The only place they could buy them was eBay.
tunamelt: jagorev: sorry - even with laser pointers now available over the counter, I’m still a flying-car bitter.
Mr. Herpes: That’s got to be it!
If the moon were made of barbeque spare ribs, would ya eat it?
Unindicted Co-Conspirator: …why dont they just plug in their TI-85 calculators, its about the same amount of computing power(ironically).
I’ve got an Apple IIgs I can probably fork over if it means helping my ‘merica.
Here’s a Chinese conundrum. They were amongst the most vocal to refute the moon landings, claiming they were faked.
And now we find they faked some of the Olympics’ opening ceremony with computers.
Next I’m gonna find out Ken layne is in Nigeria, running Wonkette out of servers in Uzbekistan.
Oh, this post was so great I bet it made “Buzz” Aldrin cry.
Wow, trips to Mars! Just imagine if the government invested $500 billion into something useful! We’d have in 5-10 years:
An effective sustainable alternative to the internal combustion engine
An educated, physically fit populace
A cure for AIDS
An explanation for the Montauk Monster
The mind reels.
No sure what the problem is here…
In the 60’s we had borderline insane test pilots flying these things because they weren’t afraid to die.
You know who else is just fine with dying? The terrorists.
And as I recall, we seem to have a good sized ‘pool of candidates’ just waiting for incredibly dangerous missions in Cuba.
Just tell them that they must defend the honor of allah from the infidel martians and I can guarantee that rocket will find its mark.
Too soon?
According to the report, any added safety feature in the Orion Project would have to “earn its way in” to the design by justifying that the increased safety was worth the extra cost and weight.
Awesome! We’re building the Orion like we build vehicles for the Marines. I don’t know if they’ll be able to fly more than one astronaut on the maiden flight, with all the weight from the big brass one’s they’ll be carrying with them. They’ll either have to be brave or stupid to get onboard.
The above is why manned spaced flight might never be worth it. The fight between the people who want risk of spaceflight zeroed out and the practical engineers will never end, and will ultimately sink most missions under costs and wasted time. Spaceflight is an inherently risky proposition, not a trip to Aruba.
sezme: Even better, we could by the phattest Beverly Hills mansion around, with fountains and tennis courts and a gold-plated swimming pool and an entertainment system with JBL speakers and a blu ray player and a Hummer limousine with diamond-encrusted rims.
The mind reels.
At a glance, I misread “The Orion” as “The Onion”, which I actually take more seriously.
hey you know what else is obsolete mr. ken layne? georges melies! have you ever heard of jerry bruckheimer? that guy knows how to do special fucking effects!
Well now you have my gander up! I love NASA. Live for it, am nourished by it. These astronauts are crazy batshit dreamers. The engineers that send them up are even worse- BUT they are wonderful. Anything stupid done at NASA is from the stoopid edicts from the Off-white House or those butt-fuckers in congress. Don’t blame these pure Knights of the Round Table of Science. Go NASA!
Astronauts are cowards and liars.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOo6aHSY8hU
JeffGoldblum: OH! I call you out Sir! If I where wherever the hell you are I would CLOCK you too!
sezme: Yes, as Iraq has shown, whenever the government invests $500 billion into anything, it is bound to succeed.
AngryBlakGuy: Yeah, that might be true. It also has to damn many middle managers who are invested in protecting their careers more than putting ships, amnned and unmanned, in space.
This piece was so hilariously written, I laughed out loud more than I have for as long as I can remember (from reading a blog post).
Best lines:
“NASA, which means FAIL in the Moon Man language,” something about all caps FAIL just looks so hilarious. Like the big red stamp type getting pressed down on people on Conan…
“But no, America had another destiny in the 1970s: to suck forever.”
“and driving a Dune Buggy around and playing motherfucking golf on the Moon, like men, ” ! LOL! hilarious!
“drop off some stuff from CostCo”
I would like to compliment Ken and say that in this piece he was “in rare form,” but thankfully, this level of awesome is not rare at all.
BruceLee5000: coughcoughkissasscough
Don’t compliment our editor too much, he’ll just end up on the Daily Show. As I understand it that is every political bloggers dream.
“That Jon Stewart is a real charmer.” - Everyone’s Mom
Way to go, Kenny!
The bastards shouldn’t be allowed to co-opt the name “Orion.” “Project Orion” was a 1950’s idea of zooming around between the planets, not with some pansy-ass rocket engine, but by dropping nuclear fucking bombs, motherfuckers out the back and riding the shockwave. This was back when men were even manlier than they were in the 1960’s and it was everybody’s Second Amendment to have plutonium lying about the house.
But, alas, bombing the fuck out of Hanoi costs money, so the cuts had to come from somewhere. Imagine of 10 % of what we’ve pissed away in Iraq was spent on “Mars, bitches!”
I don’t blame them for trying to get off this planet.
Peenemünde, Bitches!
Werner Von Braun wept…
Send Hopey up with it - that way, when he returns in 2040, he’ll be mature enough to be an old white guy president, like the rest of them on the 47 cent US dollar bills.
Barry could bring along one of the Angelina Jolie kids with him; by the time they return, the youngster will be old (and qualified enough, as a National Hero) enough to be his mixed race Veep.
This way the Hillarmaniacs can have their cake, eat it and puke it on it for decades to come.
Chelsea for Veep, 2012!
I thought we weren’t going back to the moon because we learned pretty much everything we needed to know about it. There’s a buttload of stuff to clean up on this planet before anyone gets out of here for a jaunt to Mars.