russian restoration

John McCain Says Putin Wants Alaska Back

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Put on your fur hats and danceOh, this is perfect. Now that America is almost free of its bellicose twat of a president who thinks it’s fun to holler at random countries sitting on large oil supplies, we have another bellicose twat in the ranks making lots of noise at, let’s see, RUSSIA.

Here is what “our friend” John McCain said recently, about Putin always invading things: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” As Wonkette Cartography Operative “Leigh” helpfully points out, Imperial Russia once included Alaska, which now belongs to America. Ted Stevens is not going to like this one bit. [Political Ticker]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • tunamelt

    Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!

  • Doglessliberal

    Ted Stevens will be fine with it as long as the Russians remodel his kitchen.

  • TGY

    They can have Alaska if only they have to take Ted Stevens, too.

  • masterdebater

    There’s only one thing to do, and I’m sure it will make all of the republicans very happy. Invade Canada.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    “bellicose twat”

    Thank you, SKS. I love this description so very much.

  • 4tehlulz

    Let them have it; we pumped most of the good oil out of it already, and we won’t have to worry about North Korea accidentally hitting it while trying to blow up Tokyo.

  • tsunami

    john wayne won’t like this one bit.

  • Serolf Divad

    Come now, McCain is just waxing nostalgic for the days of his youth, when he used to hobnob with the Romanov daughters.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    What do you mean Ted won’t like it one bit? He would totally make tons of the $$$$$ if he gave into the Russians!

  • Monkey

    Ah figger we kin let them Ruskies have Alaska no probl’m. Long as theys willin ta give us China.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Next thing McCain will be telling us that there are 57 Rooshin Sympathizers in the State Dept.

  • V572625694

    [re=57707]4tehlulz[/re]: Don’t forget ANWR! If we could drill in ANWR, gas would be 50 cents a gallon, they’d pump it for you, and you could leave your thermostat at 75 all winter and all summer!

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Why can’t Johnny Mac look into Putin’s soul like Bushie did? Oh, that’s right, Johnny Mac probably has cataracts & he would probably get frustrated because he couldn’t find Waldo.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=57721]V572625694[/re]: and 72 naked virgins would dance around your house! And angels would sing!

  • madirishman

    Walnuts to Putin: “You want a PIECE of me, you skinny, vodka-snorting homo? Come and get it!”

    (Cue the nuclear-armed B-2 bombers heading for Moscow.)

  • 2goats

    My friends, I do not believe the Russians want anything to do with a territory like Alaska where the vast majority of the population is content to live off a government dole. Things are working much better since the name change back to Russia and the decision to let free markets decide who eats and who starves. Is great! Same guys in charge. Same foreign policy (outlet to warm water ports). No cumbersome bureaucracy sending checks to unproductive citizens. Guy like Stevens might prosper in the New Russian economy, but if Russia is taking Alaska back, they’ll be running it a little more efficiently. .

  • SuperRounder

    Stevens may not like it, but I bet they’ll get that fuckin’ bridge.

  • CivicHoliday

    Can we trade it for exclusive rights to the Northern Passage? In a few years all that ice will be gone, and then we can build a new sea-kingdom!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …dont worry everyone, Canada will protect us!

  • WhatTheHeck

    McCain also wants to rename the Russian River in California to the Freedom Fry River.

    We need another cold war with Russia because its what made America great.

  • lazyman

    So there actually will be a bear in the woods.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=57721]V572625694[/re]: No, no, we’ll just build a big tunnel in Canada and drill Alaska sideways. Putin will never know what happened until it’s too late.

  • angryhippopotamus

    Here’s the audio it’s about 2 minutes in. Former empire also included Finland and was the second largest continuous land empire ever. Second only to John McCain’s estranged half brother, Genghis Khan.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Mark my words – any Russian invasion of Alaska will be met with VERY HARSH LANGUAGE.

  • Larry Fine

    McCain will send more harpoons up North, so the Eskimo’s have a fighting chance against the invading Russians.

  • Hooray For Anything

    McCain must be ecstatic because if he wins, he has the chance to not only bomb Iran, but Russia too.

  • Cookie Guggelman

    What would Rasputin do?

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    John McCain is out on his front porch, standing in his boxers and shaking his fist at Putan yelling “Get off my lawn!”.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=57742]Larry Fine[/re]: Or he will simply drop Senior citizens out of the sky in some sort of barrage to display his devotion to tax cuts.

  • AngryBlakGuy
  • SayItWithWookies

    Well McCain knows how to win wars, so…we’re fuckin’ doomed.

  • BadNewsJack

    Let them have Alaska, its not as if we’re using it.

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    McCain is one of those damned “foreign interventionists” that Strelnikov always warned us about.

  • tsunami

    off to the gulog, ted.

  • Gopherit v2.0


  • V572625694

    All this nostalgia for an enemy worthy of our weapons systems is sickening. If Iraq’s taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t aspire to overthrowing anyone more threatening than Hugo Chavez. Iran? Russia? Fuggedaboutit!

  • populucious

    Also in JMcC’s new foreign policy plan: France just called. They want Louisiana back, and Spain is coming for Florida. The Messikins are stealing California one cubic square at a time, and the British are angling to trick us out of our Eastern Seaboard.

  • V572625694

    [re=57756]BadNewsJack[/re]: Exactly. They have to pay people to live there. Or rather, “we” have to pay people to live there, since their hopefully-named Permanent Fund is replenished by a tax on oil. Maybe McCain would like to get rid of that gas tax.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=57728]2goats[/re]: The great thing about the “new Russia” is that it combines the thuggery and corruption of Putin’s beloved Communist police state with the thuggery and corruption of the Russian mob. You get two kinds of thuggery and corruption for the price of one! I think Ted would be down with the corruption aspect, and he’d fit right into the some-of-us-are-more-equal-than-others ethos, but he’d run into trouble because he wouldn’t be able to control things as his own fiefdom. He’d knock heads with the party leaders and end up dead in an alleyway.

  • TGY

    [re=57777]Doglessliberal[/re]: ‘kleptocracy’ or ‘rule by thieves’.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=57765]V572625694[/re]: …I don’t get the NeoCons obsession with submerging themselves in UN-WINNABLE CONFLICTS.


    -War on Drugs
    -War on Terror
    -Korean Conflict
    -Invasion of Iraq

    am I forgetting anything?

  • Doglessliberal


    War on free thinking?
    War on my reproductive system?

    Though they might win the latter if McCain gets in and appoints a Justice.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=57777]Doglessliberal[/re]: …your description = Fascism. And China is well ahead of them on that path.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=57780]TGY[/re]: indeed.

  • WhatTheHeck

    McCain will deal with Russia using the plot from “Red Dawn.”

  • Godot

    I don’t blame Putin for wanting to invade Alaska. I mean, have you SEEN Gov. Palin?

    No one would object to four years of that, no matter how bellicose.

  • Servo

    And they say that Islam is wrong for having sectarian rule.

  • itgetter

    [re=57786]Doglessliberal[/re]: That reminds me of this

  • Cicada

    Does this mean we’ll get a new slew of cold war movies? ‘Cuz “War Games” and “Red Dawn” were fantastic.

    [re=57764]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Yeah!

  • Not_So_Much

    Ted would get a giant chubby thinking about all the pork dollars he could get from the oil oligarchs.

    But, losing Alaska would totally fuck up season four of ‘Deadliest Catch’ and that’s just going too far…commie bastards.

  • V572625694

    [re=57781]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: War on the Bill of Rights and the Constitution?

    Oh, that’s right. The Neocons won that one.

  • Quacker

    What is wrong with these Pubtards? Isn’t there a Wikipedia entry that explains why giving back Alaska is a poor idea? That’s where the rest of McNuts’ foriegn policy comes from.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Yeah? I say bring it on. Sig Hansen and Captain Phil will take care of business.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=57809]V572625694[/re]: yeah, I had halfway typed that one and then remembered the “that they cannot win” stricture.

  • S.Luggo

    War on federal civil service hiring rules (or, dare I say, ‘guidelines’)
    War on Evolution
    War on Buttsecks
    War on flashing some cute titty during the Super Bowl.

  • sezme

    “Well they can have Hawaii!”
    -Cokie Roberts

  • itgetter

    [re=57847]S.Luggo[/re]: That was not cute titty. That was weird bondage titty. But how dare they go after buttsecks!

  • perfesser33

    While we’re at it, give them back California. That would put us 2 up on them.

  • freppish

    WTB WW3

  • kudzu

    Let’s give Putin some Truck Nutz. That should keep him happy.

  • btwbfdimho

    If the war continues, on Nov. this country goes with the presumptive PAN-AM
    candidate Mcweiser. I am moving out with the Lakotas.

  • Komando

    The Russian Empire? I knew always suspected. John McCain actually is Teddy Roosevelt, sans the mustache and sex appeal.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Here’s a solution to this mess. The Russians were handing out Russian passports to citizens of South Ossettia. I say we hand out iPhones to all of them. Then we invoke a hidden clause in the AT&T service agreement to invade the country and force everyone onto a really expensive plan that’s locked in for several years.

    Absolutely no one would be able communicate, much less control, to own a country of disgruntled AT&T Wireless users.

  • schvitzatura

    America’s Monroe Doctrine + Roosevelt Corollary/”Good Neighbor” Policy = Russia’s “Near Abroad”

    In short, Putin/Medvedev can tell Bush/Cheney to get bent…