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Put on your fur hats and danceOh, this is perfect. Now that America is almost free of its bellicose twat of a president who thinks it’s fun to holler at random countries sitting on large oil supplies, we have another bellicose twat in the ranks making lots of noise at, let’s see, RUSSIA.

Here is what “our friend” John McCain said recently, about Putin always invading things: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” As Wonkette Cartography Operative “Leigh” helpfully points out, Imperial Russia once included Alaska, which now belongs to America. Ted Stevens is not going to like this one bit. [Political Ticker]

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64 COMMENTS

  1. Let them have it; we pumped most of the good oil out of it already, and we won’t have to worry about North Korea accidentally hitting it while trying to blow up Tokyo.

  2. [re=57707]4tehlulz[/re]: Don’t forget ANWR! If we could drill in ANWR, gas would be 50 cents a gallon, they’d pump it for you, and you could leave your thermostat at 75 all winter and all summer!

  3. Why can’t Johnny Mac look into Putin’s soul like Bushie did? Oh, that’s right, Johnny Mac probably has cataracts & he would probably get frustrated because he couldn’t find Waldo.

  4. Walnuts to Putin: “You want a PIECE of me, you skinny, vodka-snorting homo? Come and get it!”

    (Cue the nuclear-armed B-2 bombers heading for Moscow.)

  5. My friends, I do not believe the Russians want anything to do with a territory like Alaska where the vast majority of the population is content to live off a government dole. Things are working much better since the name change back to Russia and the decision to let free markets decide who eats and who starves. Is great! Same guys in charge. Same foreign policy (outlet to warm water ports). No cumbersome bureaucracy sending checks to unproductive citizens. Guy like Stevens might prosper in the New Russian economy, but if Russia is taking Alaska back, they’ll be running it a little more efficiently. .

  6. Can we trade it for exclusive rights to the Northern Passage? In a few years all that ice will be gone, and then we can build a new sea-kingdom!

  7. McCain also wants to rename the Russian River in California to the Freedom Fry River.

    We need another cold war with Russia because its what made America great.

  8. [re=57721]V572625694[/re]: No, no, we’ll just build a big tunnel in Canada and drill Alaska sideways. Putin will never know what happened until it’s too late.

  9. [re=57742]Larry Fine[/re]: Or he will simply drop Senior citizens out of the sky in some sort of barrage to display his devotion to tax cuts.

  10. All this nostalgia for an enemy worthy of our weapons systems is sickening. If Iraq’s taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t aspire to overthrowing anyone more threatening than Hugo Chavez. Iran? Russia? Fuggedaboutit!

  11. Also in JMcC’s new foreign policy plan: France just called. They want Louisiana back, and Spain is coming for Florida. The Messikins are stealing California one cubic square at a time, and the British are angling to trick us out of our Eastern Seaboard.

  12. [re=57756]BadNewsJack[/re]: Exactly. They have to pay people to live there. Or rather, “we” have to pay people to live there, since their hopefully-named Permanent Fund is replenished by a tax on oil. Maybe McCain would like to get rid of that gas tax.

  13. [re=57728]2goats[/re]: The great thing about the “new Russia” is that it combines the thuggery and corruption of Putin’s beloved Communist police state with the thuggery and corruption of the Russian mob. You get two kinds of thuggery and corruption for the price of one! I think Ted would be down with the corruption aspect, and he’d fit right into the some-of-us-are-more-equal-than-others ethos, but he’d run into trouble because he wouldn’t be able to control things as his own fiefdom. He’d knock heads with the party leaders and end up dead in an alleyway.

  14. [re=57765]V572625694[/re]: …I don’t get the NeoCons obsession with submerging themselves in UN-WINNABLE CONFLICTS.

    Example:

    -War on Drugs
    -War on Terror
    -Vietnam
    -Korean Conflict
    -Invasion of Iraq

    am I forgetting anything?

  15. [re=57781]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:

    War on free thinking?
    War on my reproductive system?

    Though they might win the latter if McCain gets in and appoints a Justice.

  16. I don’t blame Putin for wanting to invade Alaska. I mean, have you SEEN Gov. Palin?

    No one would object to four years of that, no matter how bellicose.

  17. Does this mean we’ll get a new slew of cold war movies? ‘Cuz “War Games” and “Red Dawn” were fantastic.

    [re=57764]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Yeah!

  18. Ted would get a giant chubby thinking about all the pork dollars he could get from the oil oligarchs.

    But, losing Alaska would totally fuck up season four of ‘Deadliest Catch’ and that’s just going too far…commie bastards.

  19. What is wrong with these Pubtards? Isn’t there a Wikipedia entry that explains why giving back Alaska is a poor idea? That’s where the rest of McNuts’ foriegn policy comes from.

  20. War on federal civil service hiring rules (or, dare I say, ‘guidelines’)
    War on Evolution
    War on Buttsecks
    War on flashing some cute titty during the Super Bowl.

  21. Here’s a solution to this mess. The Russians were handing out Russian passports to citizens of South Ossettia. I say we hand out iPhones to all of them. Then we invoke a hidden clause in the AT&T service agreement to invade the country and force everyone onto a really expensive plan that’s locked in for several years.

    Absolutely no one would be able communicate, much less control, to own a country of disgruntled AT&T Wireless users.

  22. America’s Monroe Doctrine + Roosevelt Corollary/”Good Neighbor” Policy = Russia’s “Near Abroad”

    In short, Putin/Medvedev can tell Bush/Cheney to get bent…

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