RUSSIAN RESTORATION  2:05 pm August 12, 2008

John McCain Says Putin Wants Alaska Back

by Sara K. Smith

Put on your fur hats and danceOh, this is perfect. Now that America is almost free of its bellicose twat of a president who thinks it’s fun to holler at random countries sitting on large oil supplies, we have another bellicose twat in the ranks making lots of noise at, let’s see, RUSSIA.

Here is what “our friend” John McCain said recently, about Putin always invading things: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” As Wonkette Cartography Operative “Leigh” helpfully points out, Imperial Russia once included Alaska, which now belongs to America. Ted Stevens is not going to like this one bit. [Political Ticker]

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tunamelt August 12, 2008 at 2:08 pm

Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 2:09 pm

Ted Stevens will be fine with it as long as the Russians remodel his kitchen.

TGY August 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm

They can have Alaska if only they have to take Ted Stevens, too.

masterdebater August 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm

There’s only one thing to do, and I’m sure it will make all of the republicans very happy. Invade Canada.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm

“bellicose twat”

Thank you, SKS. I love this description so very much.

4tehlulz August 12, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Let them have it; we pumped most of the good oil out of it already, and we won’t have to worry about North Korea accidentally hitting it while trying to blow up Tokyo.

tsunami August 12, 2008 at 2:15 pm

john wayne won’t like this one bit.

Serolf Divad August 12, 2008 at 2:15 pm

Come now, McCain is just waxing nostalgic for the days of his youth, when he used to hobnob with the Romanov daughters.

shortsshortsshorts August 12, 2008 at 2:15 pm

What do you mean Ted won’t like it one bit? He would totally make tons of the $$$$$ if he gave into the Russians!

Monkey August 12, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Ah figger we kin let them Ruskies have Alaska no probl’m. Long as theys willin ta give us China.

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Next thing McCain will be telling us that there are 57 Rooshin Sympathizers in the State Dept.

V572625694 August 12, 2008 at 2:17 pm

[re=57707]4tehlulz[/re]: Don’t forget ANWR! If we could drill in ANWR, gas would be 50 cents a gallon, they’d pump it for you, and you could leave your thermostat at 75 all winter and all summer!

Texan Bulldoggette August 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Why can’t Johnny Mac look into Putin’s soul like Bushie did? Oh, that’s right, Johnny Mac probably has cataracts & he would probably get frustrated because he couldn’t find Waldo.

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm

[re=57721]V572625694[/re]: and 72 naked virgins would dance around your house! And angels would sing!

madirishman August 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Walnuts to Putin: “You want a PIECE of me, you skinny, vodka-snorting homo? Come and get it!”

(Cue the nuclear-armed B-2 bombers heading for Moscow.)

2goats August 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm

My friends, I do not believe the Russians want anything to do with a territory like Alaska where the vast majority of the population is content to live off a government dole. Things are working much better since the name change back to Russia and the decision to let free markets decide who eats and who starves. Is great! Same guys in charge. Same foreign policy (outlet to warm water ports). No cumbersome bureaucracy sending checks to unproductive citizens. Guy like Stevens might prosper in the New Russian economy, but if Russia is taking Alaska back, they’ll be running it a little more efficiently. .

SuperRounder August 12, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Stevens may not like it, but I bet they’ll get that fuckin’ bridge.

CivicHoliday August 12, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Can we trade it for exclusive rights to the Northern Passage? In a few years all that ice will be gone, and then we can build a new sea-kingdom!

AngryBlakGuy August 12, 2008 at 2:23 pm

…dont worry everyone, Canada will protect us!

WhatTheHeck August 12, 2008 at 2:23 pm

McCain also wants to rename the Russian River in California to the Freedom Fry River.

We need another cold war with Russia because its what made America great.

lazyman August 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

So there actually will be a bear in the woods.

4tehlulz August 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

[re=57721]V572625694[/re]: No, no, we’ll just build a big tunnel in Canada and drill Alaska sideways. Putin will never know what happened until it’s too late.

angryhippopotamus August 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Here’s the audio it’s about 2 minutes in. Former empire also included Finland and was the second largest continuous land empire ever. Second only to John McCain’s estranged half brother, Genghis Khan.

Johnny Zhivago August 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Mark my words – any Russian invasion of Alaska will be met with VERY HARSH LANGUAGE.

Larry Fine August 12, 2008 at 2:25 pm

McCain will send more harpoons up North, so the Eskimo’s have a fighting chance against the invading Russians.

Hooray For Anything August 12, 2008 at 2:27 pm

McCain must be ecstatic because if he wins, he has the chance to not only bomb Iran, but Russia too.

Cookie Guggelman August 12, 2008 at 2:27 pm

What would Rasputin do?

Monsieur Grumpe August 12, 2008 at 2:28 pm

John McCain is out on his front porch, standing in his boxers and shaking his fist at Putan yelling “Get off my lawn!”.

shortsshortsshorts August 12, 2008 at 2:29 pm

[re=57742]Larry Fine[/re]: Or he will simply drop Senior citizens out of the sky in some sort of barrage to display his devotion to tax cuts.

AngryBlakGuy August 12, 2008 at 2:31 pm
SayItWithWookies August 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Well McCain knows how to win wars, so…we’re fuckin’ doomed.

BadNewsJack August 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Let them have Alaska, its not as if we’re using it.

Botswana Meat Commission FC August 12, 2008 at 2:36 pm

McCain is one of those damned “foreign interventionists” that Strelnikov always warned us about.

tsunami August 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm

off to the gulog, ted.

Gopherit v2.0 August 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm


V572625694 August 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm

All this nostalgia for an enemy worthy of our weapons systems is sickening. If Iraq’s taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t aspire to overthrowing anyone more threatening than Hugo Chavez. Iran? Russia? Fuggedaboutit!

populucious August 12, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Also in JMcC’s new foreign policy plan: France just called. They want Louisiana back, and Spain is coming for Florida. The Messikins are stealing California one cubic square at a time, and the British are angling to trick us out of our Eastern Seaboard.

V572625694 August 12, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=57756]BadNewsJack[/re]: Exactly. They have to pay people to live there. Or rather, “we” have to pay people to live there, since their hopefully-named Permanent Fund is replenished by a tax on oil. Maybe McCain would like to get rid of that gas tax.

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 2:42 pm

[re=57728]2goats[/re]: The great thing about the “new Russia” is that it combines the thuggery and corruption of Putin’s beloved Communist police state with the thuggery and corruption of the Russian mob. You get two kinds of thuggery and corruption for the price of one! I think Ted would be down with the corruption aspect, and he’d fit right into the some-of-us-are-more-equal-than-others ethos, but he’d run into trouble because he wouldn’t be able to control things as his own fiefdom. He’d knock heads with the party leaders and end up dead in an alleyway.

TGY August 12, 2008 at 2:44 pm

[re=57777]Doglessliberal[/re]: ‘kleptocracy’ or ‘rule by thieves’.

AngryBlakGuy August 12, 2008 at 2:44 pm

[re=57765]V572625694[/re]: …I don’t get the NeoCons obsession with submerging themselves in UN-WINNABLE CONFLICTS.


-War on Drugs
-War on Terror
-Korean Conflict
-Invasion of Iraq

am I forgetting anything?

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm


War on free thinking?
War on my reproductive system?

Though they might win the latter if McCain gets in and appoints a Justice.

AngryBlakGuy August 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm

[re=57777]Doglessliberal[/re]: …your description = Fascism. And China is well ahead of them on that path.

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm

[re=57780]TGY[/re]: indeed.

WhatTheHeck August 12, 2008 at 2:49 pm

McCain will deal with Russia using the plot from “Red Dawn.”

Godot August 12, 2008 at 2:50 pm

I don’t blame Putin for wanting to invade Alaska. I mean, have you SEEN Gov. Palin?

No one would object to four years of that, no matter how bellicose.

Servo August 12, 2008 at 2:50 pm

And they say that Islam is wrong for having sectarian rule.

itgetter August 12, 2008 at 2:51 pm

[re=57786]Doglessliberal[/re]: That reminds me of this

Cicada August 12, 2008 at 2:54 pm

Does this mean we’ll get a new slew of cold war movies? ‘Cuz “War Games” and “Red Dawn” were fantastic.

[re=57764]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Yeah!

Not_So_Much August 12, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Ted would get a giant chubby thinking about all the pork dollars he could get from the oil oligarchs.

But, losing Alaska would totally fuck up season four of ‘Deadliest Catch’ and that’s just going too far…commie bastards.

V572625694 August 12, 2008 at 2:57 pm

[re=57781]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: War on the Bill of Rights and the Constitution?

Oh, that’s right. The Neocons won that one.

Quacker August 12, 2008 at 3:02 pm

What is wrong with these Pubtards? Isn’t there a Wikipedia entry that explains why giving back Alaska is a poor idea? That’s where the rest of McNuts’ foriegn policy comes from.

pdiddycornchips August 12, 2008 at 3:04 pm

Yeah? I say bring it on. Sig Hansen and Captain Phil will take care of business.

Doglessliberal August 12, 2008 at 3:05 pm

[re=57809]V572625694[/re]: yeah, I had halfway typed that one and then remembered the “that they cannot win” stricture.

S.Luggo August 12, 2008 at 3:16 pm

War on federal civil service hiring rules (or, dare I say, ‘guidelines’)
War on Evolution
War on Buttsecks
War on flashing some cute titty during the Super Bowl.

sezme August 12, 2008 at 3:24 pm

“Well they can have Hawaii!”
-Cokie Roberts

itgetter August 12, 2008 at 3:31 pm

[re=57847]S.Luggo[/re]: That was not cute titty. That was weird bondage titty. But how dare they go after buttsecks!

perfesser33 August 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm

While we’re at it, give them back California. That would put us 2 up on them.

freppish August 12, 2008 at 3:37 pm


kudzu August 12, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Let’s give Putin some Truck Nutz. That should keep him happy.

btwbfdimho August 12, 2008 at 3:54 pm

If the war continues, on Nov. this country goes with the presumptive PAN-AM
candidate Mcweiser. I am moving out with the Lakotas.

Komando August 12, 2008 at 4:39 pm

The Russian Empire? I knew always suspected. John McCain actually is Teddy Roosevelt, sans the mustache and sex appeal.

Johnny Zhivago August 12, 2008 at 5:36 pm

Here’s a solution to this mess. The Russians were handing out Russian passports to citizens of South Ossettia. I say we hand out iPhones to all of them. Then we invoke a hidden clause in the AT&T service agreement to invade the country and force everyone onto a really expensive plan that’s locked in for several years.

Absolutely no one would be able communicate, much less control, to own a country of disgruntled AT&T Wireless users.

schvitzatura August 12, 2008 at 11:59 pm

America’s Monroe Doctrine + Roosevelt Corollary/”Good Neighbor” Policy = Russia’s “Near Abroad”

In short, Putin/Medvedev can tell Bush/Cheney to get bent…

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