You know how World War III (the real one) is pretty much starting, between Russia and the ex-Soviet country of Georgia, because the pro U.S. regime in Georgia thought, “Oh hey we are allies of the United States and we like NATO, so we will just go kick a little bit of ass over in this breakaway chunk that wants to be with their pals in Russia across the border,” and then Russia was all, “YOU FAIL WE KILL YOU ALL,” and Bush was playing grab-ass in China at the Olympics, and this is probably going to get uglier. But did you know George W. did his famous dancing in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, just last year?

Here’s a much longer thing, apparently from Georgian television. There’s some crazy Bush clappin’ and just plain goin’ nuts, and then a boring part we skipped through, then the dancing and plus Bush is yelling about the food, which he loves. So hungry, this president. He likes everything!

Eight years ago, did any of us plausibly expect to eventually have easy access to video clips of George W. Bush comically dancing in like every shithole on Earth? YouTube didn’t even exist in 2001! (This is why John Edwards was still a Faithful Husband then.)

But the food does look so tasty.

So how’s that whole Georgian war working out, anyway? BADLY. We keep trying to think about something else, like funny squirrels or house prices, but of all the places on the map where we’d rather not see a regional war, right fucking there between Russia, Turkey, Iraq, Ukraine and Iran is really high on the list. In fact, that’s the whole entire list, right there.

Have you looked at a globe recently? Georgia is a tiny-ass little country, and its southern border is about a hundred miles from Iran, and maybe 250 miles to Mosul! (We can’t say with authority how long it might take to make that drive, as Georgia doesn’t seem to have any roads.) As for the Ukraine, which may or may not be letting Russian warships back to the docks, it stretches right into Central Europe. How completely terrible can this get? Well, think of something that’s already extremely terrible — oil, say — and then imagine that being much worse.

So, what else goes down in Georgia?

Ah, yes. Muslim Jesus, the hippie, offers “free hugs” to the hot Georgian gals, to a cloying soundtrack of American christian rock. As you will also note, from the graffiti, PUNK’S NOT DEAD.

And what of the breakaway province No. 1, South Ossetia? Why do they have so many problems? No one knows, but it might due to this:

Also, do Ossetians follow the comical stereotypes of Black Sea peoples, with their crappy native hip hop, German cars, gangsta-Adidas guys, sea vacation shots, outrageously smokin’ hot girls and tiny children dressed as knife-wielding Santa Klauses? Hell yeah!

And what of the men who proudly bake the local fried twinkies, can they play the native drums on a teevee variety show with great patriotic gusto? It is an insult to even ask the question!

Enough about these breakaway people, and the things they do. What of the sad supra you sing after a tasty Georgian supper, while mournfully drinking like six gallons of the local homemade vodka, which is made of grape husks, and actually called ChaCha?

But there’s another breakaway province, called Abkhazia:

Hooray for small, obscure Black Sea/Caucasus countries causing World War III!

Why You Should Be Concerned About This Georgia Thing [Gawker]
Roots of Georgia-Russia clash run deep [Christian Science Monitor]

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  1. Luckily, between the Olympics, John Edwards’ affair, and the Brett Favre saga, not many people will notice that there’s a war going on or that John McCain looks so excited about blowing shit up that he can barely contain himself. Also, other than Russia, the rest of the people involved come from small countries with funny names who’ve all hated each other for hundreds of years so, whatever.

  2. I just want to know who I should be demanding gets thrown to the wolves so I can get hammered and watch “Mad Men” in peace. Can it be China? They’ve been opulent lateley…

  3. Um, I completely trust the Bush administration to do the right thing here–because haven’t they everywhere else? So totes trust these guys.

  4. …and yeah Russia is pretty much beating Georgia bloody right now. In the first couple of days it actually seemed like they were holding their own and then Russia decided not to shit around. The sad thing is that not only does the U.S. look like bitches because Putin pretty much told us to go fukk ourselves, but also all of our allies are gonna have second thoughts about whether not we will back them up when the shit hits the fan.

  5. [re=57116]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: …the U.S. is the biggest joke right now. Every leader knows that we are stretched way to thin, except our own leaders. The Russians, Chinese, Iranians and Pakistanis pretty much do whatever they want while we sit around trying to figure out how to extricate ourselves from Iraq. Frankly Im surprised that it took this long and that Russia is the only country acting up right now. I figured that China would have stormed Taiwan a long time ago!

  6. Oh, and the huggy video at 2:35 — is that Mahmound Ahmedinejad?!

    Alright, I just sat through as much of that awful PowerPoint/light rap travelogue thing that I could bear. About half of it. So am I to understand that the Georgians hate the South Ossetians because of their awful music? Because that sorta makes sense now.

  7. [re=57129]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Don’t be silly — we can negotiate from a position of strength. We could free up our troops in Iraq, but it would only embolden our enemies if we weren’t tied down doing some pointless mission among people who want us gone, at the behest of people who can’t explain why they sent us there in the first place.
    Now, because we have so few free troops and so little leverage because we’ve waved a six-shooter at every little problem for the last eight years and have run our economy into the ground and even NATO is pissed off at us because we told them it’s their duty to fight our war in Afghanistan, and now we’re all sitting idly by while a future NATO member and a fuckin’ democracy gets plowed under by a guy so devious he makes Dick Cheney look like Dick Van Dyke, we’re able to deal firmly with the situation. Except, of course, we haven’t even recalled the Russian ambassador, and Condi’s on a vacation that’s too important to interrupt. So — um — in conclusion, Georgia is a land of contrasts.

  8. That montage of South Ossetia was truly inspiring — although I’m pretty sure that the photo of two guys standing in front of St. Basil’s Cathedral was not taking in Ossetia. Or, if it was, then I don’t blame the Russians for invading.

  9. Hmm, dancing. Isn’t that how Nero got famous?

    Nothing will come of this except dead Georgians and American political bluster. Russia has us by the balls. McCain is going around like a dufus saying we need to include Georgia and Ukraine in NATO. Russia would go to war with all of Europe if that happened. But it ain’t gonna happen because we’re gonna talk tough and then do nothing as we watch Georgia become a puppet state. At best, if Georgians are truly up to it, we’ll fuel their insurgency. Otherwise, are you up for some nuclear war?

    Putin has personally killed people. Bush did cocaine.

  10. [re=57136]SayItWithWookies[/re]: …you never do see Dick Cheney and Vladimir Putin in the same place at the same time do you? Im just saying!

    …[i]because we’ve waved a six-shooter at every little problem for the last eight years[i/]

    I think that is putting it lightly, “W” turned every issue domestically and internationally into a matter of who has a bigger penis. His view on diplomacy was equally inept; “if doesnt fit force it” where as anyone with half a brain know sometimes you need a little lube.

  11. [re=57136]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I love it when you talk nuance and strategy.

    God, Russia makes me mad. Not because they invade other countries, but because they are Russian. Worse than Canadians, even.

    AND FJCoaPS, I mean, REALLY. My vacations get interrupted if my company needs some fucking release notes for a new build of our software. Condi has a habit of always being out and about shopping when it comes time to do something important. Why?

  12. Do some Googling of “Neil Bush” and “Georgia” and find out that the wacky Bush Brothers are hip deep in some sort of shit with Georgian oligarchs in business deals with Kuwaiti princes.

    I swear the Bushes are like the Osmond Family of International Crime!

  13. [re=57147]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: It IS rather painful to hear him criticize other countries’ actions, isn’t it. Like “We are so angry that Russia invaded a sovereign nation. That’s just so wrong.” Of course, it’s a very different type of situation, but… why are Russians so evil?

  14. [re=57152]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: You know, with the Post Office, I would sort of understand their frustration. With Russia, I’m always like “Can’t you people just lay low? Good god, it’s OK not to be number 1. Just rake in the oil profits and bide your time.” But Russia can never WAIT. They are so damn impatient.

    I should know. I’m half Russian and I can’t wait in the drive-through for a Big Mac without freaking out after about 2 minutes.

  15. [re=57151]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Not to mention that we were dutifully quiet when the Israelis bombed all of Lebanon in order to stop Hezbollah in the south, and now Dubya’s criticizing the Russians for bombing all of Georgia blah blah blah. Next we’ll jump all over them for killing innocent civilians, or torture, or jailing people for no reason. Lordy I’ve got to stop.

  16. Can you imagine if these spear throwers were allowed into Nato? Sorry, but they started it :(. Therefore, they can taste their just desserts. KILL them all Russia. KILL.

    Or Russia can just give them back territory that should be Georgias and call it a day, but this of course will never happen because of pinko-commi terrorist John McCain and his plans to destroy us all. He may not know what the situation is, but he sure as hell can fuck it up if it means his 90 year old base will mobilize.

    It must be doubly-hard for WALNUTS because Georgia is like the Florida of Russia, and there is no way in hell a regime like Russia (or the U.S. for that matter), a state on the brink of authoritarianism is giving up Florida. There’s fucking oil at stake here. Many, many gallons of oil.

  17. [re=57157]SayItWithWookies[/re]: …yeah it is eerily similar. The second I heard that they opened up a second front in western Georgia that is what I began to suspect. At this point they are just trying to completely neuter Georgia.

  18. Y’all, don’t be so hard on Russia. Everybody gets to invade a country now without UN resolution, it is only fair. Plus Tbilisi has George W. Bush Avenue – main highway that leads to the airport. Now who could resist bombing that?

  19. Putin just called our bluff, all that crap about NATO and the Coalition of the Willing and the League of Democracies turned out to be pure hot air. When the shit hits the fan, the United States will not expend blood or treasure to defend its allies, even those who expended their own blood and treasure to support our Mesopotamian adventures.

    We need to elect a President who’s a good poker player, for a change, so he won’t make stupid bets on weak hands. Barack is actually really good at poker, as it happens.

  20. [re=57162]Edward Bulwer-Lytton[/re]: BWAH! Who knew that there were any left?

    [re=57157]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, don’t stop. Just a little more. Yeah, like that. HARDER.

    I’ve been trying to think of a similar situation that the US could find itself in. Like, what if Puerto Rico broke away and wanted nothing to do with us… but then they had a small subset of people in a part of Puerto Rico wanted to stick with us… would we supply them with weapons and wait for the rest of Puerto Rico to begin a war with us?

    And then I think, Puerto Rico doesn’t have a natural gas pipeline running right across is. Who cares about Puerto Rico? I mean, gorgeous place and all, but really….

  21. [re=57167]jagorev[/re]: And again, thank Gawd they’re not an official “NATO” member. Absolutely no sense can be made of this event at this time, other then a “would-shoulda-coulda” on the part of ________. I don’t know about this thing, but if Mother Russia is showing its muskels by reason of western-ex-soviet-bloc instability, this is probably the way to go. Absolutely a critical move for a struggling sack of shit enjoying its newfound GDP. Azerbaijan is probably crying right now.

  22. [re=57170]ladymacbeth[/re]: HA! The other half of my blood IS Canadian. So, vodka and beer. Do you ever get upset when people discuss things like healthcare and independence, for no apparent reason?

  23. [re=57171]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Azerbaijan will probably launch an offensive into the Iranian-controlled province of Azerbaijan, and therefore be obliterated by Iran. Meanwhile, now that Turkey’s EU dreams have been dashed, they’re going to turn to the religious right and maybe take out a few million Kurds and Armenians just out of habit.

  24. [re=57154]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: That was good, although some of it’s already outdated. For instance: The result of what many see as his miscalculation is that President Saakashvili might well lose any hope of reasserting Georgian power in the enclave.

    That’s actually looking like it’ll be the most Saakashvili could hope for now.

    Bush also might be responsible for Georgia and Ukraine’s nonadmission to the NATO action plan earlier this year. He came to the NATO summit announcing that it was going to happen without consulting any other members or Russia, who of course was firmly opposed. Had he actually worked out a plan that mollified the Russians and discussed the possibilities with his allies, they might’ve been put on track to membership, and this never would have happened.

    So thanks for sending us those 2,000 troops for Iraq, Georgia. Hope neither that nor our lofty promises about fostering democracy led you to expect anything from us.

    [re=57168]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Just tell me if it hurts, honey, and I’ll ease up.

  25. “What of the sad supra you sing after a tasty Georgian supper, while mournfully drinking like six gallons of the local homemade vodka, which is made of grape husks, and actually called ChaCha?”

    Or as I like to call it, “breakfast”.

  26. [re=57176]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If Georgia had been on path to NATO membership at this point, that would have meant the effective dissolution of NATO (because no one is stupid enough to start a war with Russia for the sake of honoring a treaty). Keeping Georgia and Ukraine out is the best thing they could have done.

  27. [re=57176]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The current situation in Georgia is not one where you can blame its hippie government with its hippie ways entirely on destroying the Democracy that never was in Georgia. It’s such an amazingly hostile assfucking, and one should probably salt themselves and declare torture humane before going through it.

  28. [re=57176]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, it is awfully big… but it’s a good hurt, really. And from that angle, it’s even better.

    [re=57177]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Is there any way that we can remove Turkey physically from the Earth? Whenever I hear someone say “And in Ankara today”, I cringe so hard that my face gets stuck like that.

    Mind you, I’m sure that pretty much everyone else in the world feels the same way when they hear “And American President George W. Bush today announced that….”

  29. Anyone else notice that the intarwebs is all “Georgia hit first, Georgia fucked up, Russia stomps their faces.” But on the TV all I see is “Big bad scary Russians kill puppy loving democracy.”

  30. [re=57186]Manchowder[/re]: Absolutely. This is where the sympathy stops. It’s almost a situation of Dicks Fucking Assholes. South Ossetia made the move. Russia responds. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE HOSTILITY SO MUCH?

  31. [re=57182]jagorev[/re]: You’re right, there’s almost no way Russia or NATO would agree to it. But if a real president had wanted it to happen, he could’ve spent time beforehand — probably a couple of years — paving the way by brokering agreements between Georgia and Russia that would deal with South Ossetia and other points of contention. The main reason NATO didn’t even want them to be on the road map (much less full members) was the territory dispute.

    So yeah, it was never gonna happen in reality. Not with a president who thinks a two-day get-together in Annapolis should be enough to solve the Palestinian statehood problem.

  32. [re=57189]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Russia has spent a long time being fucked in the ass. Why take it from Georgia? Everyone knows they only have peaches, anyways.

    If Russia overthrows the Georgian government, I will give you $5.

  33. [re=57190]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Thank Gawd they weren’t allowed into Naughty Advantageous Treacherous Octavians, it would result in teh U.S. branding itself to an incredibly awesome WAR, forever (um never happened b4 correct?)

  34. [re=57192]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oh, I’m leaning towards Putin calculatedly fomenting/ignoring uprisings in South Ossetia to the point where Saakashvili felt he had to respond. Yes there’s no excuse for Georgia’s actions, especially when there were already Russian peacekeepers there — but I’ll be damned if Putin had nothing to do with it. That’s just too above-board for him.

  35. [re=57193]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oooh, we might have had to declare a state of emergency and suspend the elections. In the name of democracy, of course.

  36. Here’s the good part (and who’d have ever thought you could say this?) about Iraq and Afghanistan: we’ve committed all the deployable military forces we have, so that the only thing Chimpy can do is issue stern warnings to Putin. Get back Vlad! Come on, please?

  37. [re=57202]V572625694[/re]: Conscription. State of Emergency. Coalition of the Willing. Coup d’état. Dolittle Raid. Cloaking Device. Star Wars. My friends, there are ways.

  38. [re=57211]Darehead[/re]: Yeah, if the lord tells him to fight the Russians armed only with the jawbone of an ass, he will. In fact, he has.

  39. [re=57258]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Vlads of Russia never recovered from being dismembered so now they want to re-member. Kind of like how Paul wants to get the Panama Canal back. Cuz it’s not really intervention when you are just claiming what was yours to begin with.

    So, we’ll be getting our British and French passports in the mail soon…

  40. Much as I would like to blame this on the Tsar of All the Putins, it seems as if Russia is reacting to Georgian aggression, admittedly in their own break-away province. But, uh, I think Russian peacekeepers were there originally. This is *so* murky.

    I don’t think WWIII is imminent, ’cause we can’t play just yet. Army stuck in Iraq and Afghanistan, you know. Perhaps we could reschedule WWIII for a later date? Oh, fuck it. John McCain can have the presidency if people are going to just ruin the world without us getting any of the action.

  41. [re=57151]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: OK for NATO to decide to split off Kosovo from Serbia (because the Kosovars want to govern themselves). Not OK for Russia to support S. Ossetia to split off from Georgia, ’cause the Georgians are dicks. It’s all about oil pipelines.

  42. I haven’t bought a new world map since the late eighties, so I’m hoping Russia reconstitutes the Soviet Union and my worldview is right again for the first time in 20 years.

  43. There really isn’t any equivalence between the two. Who did what first is a pointless thing to argue. Russia’s OMG HUGE and Georgia is just some postage stamp that’s willing to host NATO stuff that’ll be used against Russia. The funny thing about all the righteous crap Putin is spouting is that it’s straight out of the Kosovo playbook.

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