You know how World War III (the real one) is pretty much starting, between Russia and the ex-Soviet country of Georgia, because the pro U.S. regime in Georgia thought, “Oh hey we are allies of the United States and we like NATO, so we will just go kick a little bit of ass over in this breakaway chunk that wants to be with their pals in Russia across the border,” and then Russia was all, “YOU FAIL WE KILL YOU ALL,” and Bush was playing grab-ass in China at the Olympics, and this is probably going to get uglier. But did you know George W. did his famous dancing in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, just last year?
Here’s a much longer thing, apparently from Georgian television. There’s some crazy Bush clappin’ and just plain goin’ nuts, and then a boring part we skipped through, then the dancing and plus Bush is yelling about the food, which he loves. So hungry, this president. He likes everything!
Eight years ago, did any of us plausibly expect to eventually have easy access to video clips of George W. Bush comically dancing in like every shithole on Earth? YouTube didn’t even exist in 2001! (This is why John Edwards was still a Faithful Husband then.)
But the food does look so tasty.
So how’s that whole Georgian war working out, anyway? BADLY. We keep trying to think about something else, like funny squirrels or house prices, but of all the places on the map where we’d rather not see a regional war, right fucking there between Russia, Turkey, Iraq, Ukraine and Iran is really high on the list. In fact, that’s the whole entire list, right there.
Have you looked at a globe recently? Georgia is a tiny-ass little country, and its southern border is about a hundred miles from Iran, and maybe 250 miles to Mosul! (We can’t say with authority how long it might take to make that drive, as Georgia doesn’t seem to have any roads.) As for the Ukraine, which may or may not be letting Russian warships back to the docks, it stretches right into Central Europe. How completely terrible can this get? Well, think of something that’s already extremely terrible — oil, say — and then imagine that being much worse.
So, what else goes down in Georgia?
Ah, yes. Muslim Jesus, the hippie, offers “free hugs” to the hot Georgian gals, to a cloying soundtrack of American christian rock. As you will also note, from the graffiti, PUNK’S NOT DEAD.
And what of the breakaway province No. 1, South Ossetia? Why do they have so many problems? No one knows, but it might due to this:
Also, do Ossetians follow the comical stereotypes of Black Sea peoples, with their crappy native hip hop, German cars, gangsta-Adidas guys, sea vacation shots, outrageously smokin’ hot girls and tiny children dressed as knife-wielding Santa Klauses? Hell yeah!
And what of the men who proudly bake the local fried twinkies, can they play the native drums on a teevee variety show with great patriotic gusto? It is an insult to even ask the question!
Enough about these breakaway people, and the things they do. What of the sad supra you sing after a tasty Georgian supper, while mournfully drinking like six gallons of the local homemade vodka, which is made of grape husks, and actually called ChaCha?
But there’s another breakaway province, called Abkhazia:
Hooray for small, obscure Black Sea/Caucasus countries causing World War III!
Why You Should Be Concerned About This Georgia Thing [Gawker]
Roots of Georgia-Russia clash run deep [Christian Science Monitor]
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