Wonkette
Hey Wonkette readers, are some of you “into” actual books? Here is your chance to win one, for free: a galley copy of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife, which tackles the difficult question of why a tasteful librarian with all the apparent trappings of a human soul would end up married to a snickering idiot jock who likes bombing things. Just write to tips@wonkette.com by noon o’clock Eastern on Wednesday with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE and tell us, in 25 words or less, who your favorite first lady is. The ten lucky winners will be announced Friday. More rulez ‘n stuff after the jump.
- 1. Please let us know how you would like to be referred to, should you be lucky enough to win: your actual first name and last name, your username, “Wonkette Literary Operative Gertrude Stein,” or whatever.
- 2. Because this is a contest sponsored by the nice people at Random House, it would be lovely if you could keep your responses sort of clean. Ha ha, now back to our regularly scheduled task of sweeping the world’s beaches.
- 3. By sending us your 25-word essay, you are allowing us to pass along your email address to Random House so they can get in touch with you directly and mail you your FREE BOOK.
- 4. Responses longer than 25 words will be taken out back and shot.
- 5. Ditto all responses naming Abigail Fillmore, because she was a strumpet.
Good luck!
American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld [Random House]
Are Furriners eligible?
ManchuCandidate: Yes, except for the French.
…is there any mention of Batman or Heath Ledger, because I haven’t had enough of that yet?
I was going to enter, saying Rosalynn Carter was my favorite “because she wore her truck nutz on the outside,” but figured it was just better to post that bit of whimsy here and not clog up Wonkette’s inbox.
Are the books pages soft enough to use as toilet paper?
ManchuCandidate: You mean “Furries”?–I heard Nancy Reagan was a “Furry”–no wait…that’s not what I heard.
“Cocksucker!” that’s it.
would the winner please read the book so we don’t have to and post some of the most salacious bits?
Crow T. Robot: thank you: I will never achieve an erection again.
I’d like to see entries from Kathy Reichs or Nevada Barr.
Sara K. Smith:
Merci.
Crow T. Robot:
The original Deep Throat? I heard Sinatra was hung like a horse…
Norbert:
Yeah, my peepee just died on me too.
…tips@wonkette.com has been added to the mass emailing list of every PUMA and NOBAMA site in 3…2…1!!!
Hannah Hoes Van Buren, obviously. Can I haz books now?
Sara, exactly what did you say to Random House to get them to participate in this, and what little lies of yours are we going to have to facilitate in our replies? ‘Cause it sounds like you are trying to pass this site off as some sort of literary/philosophical/historian gathering place. I insist you tell them about the pandas, assfucking and whore diamonds at once, so we can put this relationship on an honest basis.
P.S., what do you tell your mother you do?
if i win, do i HAVE to take the book?
Sara K. Smith:
please allow me to participate. although i have previously claimed to be
from france, i am actually from Remulak.
It’s got to be Frances Folsom Cleveland, as she is the only First Lady whose husband (Grover) bought her two baby carriages - one for her personal use, when she was a baby, and a second twenty years later when they had the children.
Crow T. Robot: …15 minutes before lunch! Thanks a lot!
I heard Oliver Stone optioned the movie rights.
Crow T. Robot:
…dressed like a baby doll.
Mahousu: thank you: problem solved.
Man, why the hate for poor Abigail? Back in college (I was a history major, which explains a lot) Fillmore was my favorite president mainly because no one, even other history majors, knew anything about him.
My favorite actually IS that strumpet Abigail Fillmore.
rev_matt_y: he was our Bird Shit President.
If I win the book, do I have to actually read it? Can I just wait for the film?
Since Wonkette came into my life, my reading skills have centered on truck nutz, whore diamonds and the Wonkers fave: buttseks.
WhatTheHeck:
republican buttseks is #1
Abigail Fillmore was NOT a strumpet. She was genuinely in love with John McCain before he dumped her.
Rosalyn Carter: Classy woman, loyal to her man, easy on the eyes, intelligent, compassionate, commanded her husband’s fidelity, knew her place was in the kitch-….
Shit! So close….
weirdiowasculpture: Was she crippled? She clearly did not plaster on the makeup like a trollop.
Since when is W a Jock? I believe he was a male cheerleader…
itgetter: Actually she was sort of crippled. She had a bad ankle that made it hard for her to stand up for long periods of time during formal receptions. But I hear John dumped her because she wasn’t rich enough.
Barbara Bush was always my favorite first lady because she managed to get her picture on the $1 bill.
I remember looking forward to a Kitty Dukakis First Ladyship.
Sara K. Smith: Damn. Just cripple my choices.
WadISay: This is clearly a synergistic, cross-promo tie-in between the publisher Random House, and Wonkette, home of Random Words.
WhatTheHeck: No, you don’t have to “read” the book if you win. But all will be compelled to “read” Cokie Roberts’ exceptional literary waltz down First Lady Lane, or she will fix you with the evil googley-eyed stare that made Jim Garrison so scary.
SKS: If I win, can I please be referred [reefered?] to as “Secret Wonkette JFK Assassination Bore?” Thank you. That is all.
Sara, are you the only one working today? Don’t let them exploit you like this!
My favorite is Hannah Hoes, who went on to marry Martin Van Buren.
I heard she wrestled a pig.
weirdiowasculpture: What a cunt.
Sara K. Smith:
Yeah. Fuck the French. A lot.
If we define wife as “being known by the man in the biblcal manner” I say Sally Hemmings. But i’ve always had the hots for Thomas Jefferson anyway. I might be biased. When I start to ramble on and on that means I’m tingling just thinkin’ about that tall red head, Declaration of Independence writin’, sensitive, intelligent,conflicted slave owner.BUTTBUTTERBALNEKKID……………
Didn’t Abigail dump McCain in favor of the younger and better looking Filmore?
My vote is for Joshua Speed. I mean, c’mon, Mary Todd was just f’ing nuts, and Honest Abe had to get his freak on somewhere.
Give my email to a publisher? Why yes! I need more spam!
Seriously though, I care less about Laura’s motivations than I care about the Olympics.
mookworthjwilson: Exactly. Pansy.
Plus I vote for Tipper. Because the rock music is too nasty. And she’s a tranny. So that’s cool.
My favorite First Lady is Monica Lewinsky.
Lynne Cheney. Not only is she the first lady of the baddassest dictator of the United States, but she was so great in all of those horror movies.
SayItWithWookies: fuuunnnnnny.
Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.
weirdiowasculpture: Let me. http://www.thewashingtonnote.com/archives/john%20edwards%20100.jpg Be spreadin’ the l-o-v-e.
Tipper.
But in all seriousness, my favorite would have to be Mrs. Hitler: she could tell when the good times were over and she knew how to exit.
Does it HAVE to be 25 words?
Deepthroat: I think the proper term is “ladyboy,” not “lady, man.” Behind every ladboy is a great man. Or something like that.
Speaking of wives of idiots who like bombing things:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024927/The-wife-John-McCain-callously-left-behind.html
Monsieur Grumpe: I’d like to, but Carla Bruni doesn’t respond to my emails.
My favorite First Lady was Eleanor Roosevelt. I would totally hit that.
My favorite First Lady is Sara K. Smith. Hey, somebody had to say it.
Though somehow I doubt she’d be misguided enough to marry anyone who would ever be a presidential candidate.
tsunami: Hey! What part? Do you know Ybbth Gink?
Does Marilyn Monroe count?
It has to be Barbara Bush, who knew how to put teh poorz and teh colouredz in their place.
I’d love to get Mrs. Sittenfeld’s book, but, sadly, I am illiterate. Maybe next time?
Mamie Geneva Doud. Married Ike, lived all over the world. Drank a lot, serving as role model for future FL’s Betty Ford and Cindi McTrollop.
Love,
info@randomhouse.com
MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE….it’s going to be Cindy McCain. I can just feel it. I just know that within hours of her re-animated husbands inauguration, she gonna be popping pills, snorting vodka and giving handjobs to White House houseboy Manuel and his underage cousin Jesus in the White House tool shed.
Julia Dent Grant never looked at the camera because she was cross-eyed. Bet she went down like a U-boat. Of course, she also thought Grant had two cocks.