Wonkette
JOHN EDWARDS WAS GROSS TO MAUREEN DOWD, TOO: “Back in 2002, Edwards sent me a Ken doll dressed in bathing trunks, Rio de Janeiro Ken, with a teasing note, because he didn’t like my reference to him as a Ken doll in a column. In retrospect, the comparison was not fair — to Ken.” [New York Times]
Ahhhh, just when you think you can’t take it any more, there’s still more John Edwards! Meat loaf again!?!
So, speaking of swim trunks, Barry took a walk along Kailua beach this morning. And speaking of trunks, Georgia is packing up and moving out of South Ossetia,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65I0HNvTDH4
tunamelt: 1. That’s an amazing amount of work. 2. I sincerely believe that Barack will never tell a lie and hurt me.
Did the Ken doll with swim trunks have a beard and a lab, by any chance?
tunamelt: Yes, genius! There is someone who will never run around and (Mojave) desert us on weekends with nothing but taxman turtles and the two-timing two-American has-been.
Pfff — that Ken Doll’s a ho. Fortunately Barbie’s too obsessed with her Malibu dream house to notice that he’s usually off with Raggedy Ann or some other floozy. Hell, he’s been in more toyboxes than Legos have.
SayItWithWookies: Ken doll doesn’t have a penis.
Darehead: Exactly why Mattel makes that little tiny strap-on. Just sayin’.
SayItWithWookies: I thought he just did oral, like Edwards. Oh look, there’s already a musical made about his affair, called “Eating Rielle.”
Darehead: If I made a musical about this utter non-news, I’d call it “Has-Been with a Side of Loopy.” And it would be about four minutes long, because that would be about as long as I could stand to think about it.
Speaking of less significant things going on, has anyone seen a local newscaster who’s been able to pronounce Ossetia correctly? I think everyone in Dixie has acquired their entire lifetime of pronounciations by age twelve, and any new word that enters their vocabulary (okay we’re getting into the hypothetical here) is just matched up with something they already know how to pronounce. Anyway, we’re 0 for 3 in my viewing area.
SayItWithWookies: I only listen to BBC which says oh-SETT-ee-ah but they say BEAR-ick Obama, too.
According to my sources it should be o-see-shuh or Russ. uh-sye-tyi-yuh. Which do you prefer and is the ‘o’ more like ‘oh’ or ‘uh’ or ‘ah’?
I’ll be Ken Doll can’t pronounce it either (see, we’re dancing on the pinhead topic!)
@SayItWithWookies: Your local news talks about South Ossetia?
Darehead: Either one would be better than the slop I heard this evening. One newscaster just threw a bunch of syllables at it in the hopes that something would sound right.
Perot le fou: Let’s see, they started off with the Olympics, moved on to the bus crash in Texas, a missing three-year-old girl, Some guy who shot at police and was still on the loose, John Edwards and then South Ossetia. It did beat out a blurb about tomorrow’s Watermelon Festival and a restaurant that was cited for storing cooked shrimp next to raw chicken, however.
Ken-doll’s erstwhile opponent, Barry, played golf in Hawaii! I thought he only did basketball, bowing, surfing, running and dancing. But golf?
Howzit? Here’s a Barefoot Barry on the Beach. Take that, Rio de Janeiro Ken Doll with no penis who can’t pronounce South Ossetia!
http://starbulletin.com/2008/08/09/news/story13.html
Yeah, MoDo only likes her subjects verifiably anatomically correct. Nudge nudge wink wink…
Ken was at first saying “I AM KEN.” It was uniquely disgusting. The entire world remained for this Ken. There was nothing else. A streaming pile of Ken made its way through the universe. Soon all recognized the Ken. Every intergalactic government effort, albeit strong and very governmental-like, could not stop the spread of Ken. I was as if every person was empowered and taken to new life by the Ken.
And Edwards still remains the world’s best dad.
I am Ryu! HADOKEN!
SayItWithWookies: How tiny is it?
Ossetia is a type of caviar. Coincidence? I think not.
The only thing that’s hard to understand is why some people are so surprised to learn that their political saviour of choice is no less depraved and morally bankrupt that the rest of us schlubs…
Family Values - Bah humbug!
And while we are on the topic of power, privilege, and megalomaniac egoism, all of which might be associated with men who may or may not be Kens or Johns or Barrys, or wear shorts or have penises, a skirmish broke out in the wee hours of the morning between the Hells Angels and the Iron Pigs in the good family-values entertainment venue of Sturgis, and one of the Hells Angels members was shot by a cop from Seattle. I hope they weren’t fighting over Miss Buffalo Chip.
Darehead: Well duh. That’s why he’s so sure he isn’t the father of Rielle’s baby.
Anita Cocktail: But he’s still capable of “deviate sexual intercourse” under the Missouri criminal code.
Darehead:
Kung Fu grip?
ManchuCandidate: Come to think of it, with a pair of glasses Kung Fu Grip does resemble a certain Ken Doll ’round these parts.
he met her in a bar. it goes downhill from there.
Oooh, look! I just compared Maureen Dowd to Cruella de Vil!
ManchuCandidate: WTF, Is there a war in Toronto now, too?
loquaciousmusic: How very unfair-to Cruella de Vil!
MoDo better try to patch things up with the Ken doll, because I don’t see too many live organisms putting up with her weird, weird, really disturbing issues which she airs regularly in the NYT.
Maureen Dowd seems to hold on to grudges for too long. I think she’s still mad that Bill Clinton refused to have an affair with her and Al Gore wouldn’t do the robot with her and Hillary refuses to share tips on buying pantsuits with her and with both John Edwards and Ken Doll rejecting her, it just kills her. Maureen Dowd can’t get a break. I recommend that she has an affair with Bob Novak to spice things up.
The Dowd column reeks with penis envy.
Mrs. Edwards should have tried this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w&feature=related
OK, so let me get this straight. We’ve had an endless parade of pussy-o-philic pols doing the perp walk when caught, dragging the poor Mrs. behind them, on their way to the podium so they can come clean. And, despite admitting their sins, there’s always some kind of caveat attached as they ask us to understand their human failings. And we wretch, wondering why they feel compelled to share that awkward moment with the poor sedated wives, and why they think they’re entitled to our empathy.
Now we have a pussy-pounding pol who actually owns up in a manly fashion, saying “Yeah, I’m a douchebag and you couldn’t possibly make me feel any worse than I already do, because I had to admit to my wife that I’m a world-class douchebag - which was rather unpleasant - and I’m NOT gonna drag that poor woman through any more shit by having her appear by my side as I ‘fess up to the entire world that I’m a world-class Olympian calibre douchebag;” and MooDo mocks this because admitting his narcissism only illustrates his narcissism? WTF would this woman find acceptable under the circumstances? Self-administered horsewhipping in the public square?
Shit like this doesn’t even get reported when it happens in Canuckistan. And if it did, the collective national reaction would be a stifled yawn and a resounding, Cheney-eque “So?” Our equivalent to the US Secretary of State gets caught banging a biker chick with a sordid background - who was also banging other Tories all while in the employ of a company seeking contracts from the Tory government - and he steps down from his post.
Why? Because he’s ashamed of the sex with the biker chick? Fuck no! Who cares? Didn’t you see photos of the cleavage queen in question? What red-blooded Canuckistani lumberjack woudn’t hit that collection of soft shoulders and dangerous curves? Goes without saying…
No. He left some Top Secret briefing papers behind in her shag-pad. That’s worthy of a demotion. But if he’d helped her cheat on her taxes, he’d be on his way to prison.
BTW: No Bernie Mac story here only illstrates that Ken Layne doesn’t care about black people. Whereas Mike Myers and I only don’t care about Kanye West.
Thank you. Can we please talk about something that matters rather than John Edwards’ sex life? We’re all grossed out, we hate him, his political career is over or at least hindered, blah blah blah.
Hasn’t John McCain said something stupid lately? Hasn’t Dick Cheney done something evil lately? What about Ron Suskind’s book?
Anita Cocktail: Well, I tried to introduce Barry in shorts on the beach up there, and, uh, McCain is blaming Barry for the war, and oh, there is a war after all, and even explosions in Toronto….there’s always ‘pin the veep on the donkey, or elephant’….
Anita Cocktail: You mean Ron says Bush and Cheney lied about the war? No shit.
I thought, under the terms of their divorce settlement, that MoDo was legally barred from ever mentioning Ken’s name again, in any context?
BTW: That’s why Ken doesn’t have a penis: MoDo got it as part of the community property settlement.
And - Boy Howdy! - does she put that plastic puppy to good use!
Anita Cocktail: When McCain says something stupid and Dick does something evil, that’s not news…
We should be talking about how China managed to fuck up the U.S. National Anthem during the medal ceremony for Michael Phelps. In front of Chimpy, no less.
Way to go! (Someone’s family will be getting a bill for one shiny bullet soon.)
McCain says something stupid all the time so its not special and Dick is evil by nature. We aren’t surprised by these things.
To be fair, didn’t she send him Cate’s pet rabbit in a stewpot in the late 90s?
Anita Cocktail:
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that Toronto was bombed while George Bush was watching sand volleyball and Dick Cheney was left alone in the White House.
Anita Cocktail: And the plot thickens. Suskind posts the transcript that says WH ordered the CIA to forge Iraq-9/11(guiliani copyright pending) letter: http://rawstory.com/news/2008/Tape_Top_CIA_officer_confesses_order_0808.html
I’m willing to bend my liberal values and waterboard Doug Feith’s fat,pastey ass.
I’m in Toronto, and I felt the shockwave hit my house like something was slamming into all my windows at once. Look at the goddamn thing, how could your first thought not be “turrists!”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsm7yQLW3Fo
What an insane few days for news.
Sleazy Rio de Janeiro Ken! Interfering in the Murkin way of life, no doubt a Jihadist Husseinite out to bungle Barry’s last chance for redemption! This news is going to rock Cuayahoga County and send Ohio into the red column…and I don’t mean Republocrat. With the Russians at the gates of Atlanta, Cuayahoga is just a day’s march away. Damn Ken in his fake bikini!
Darehead: The cyrillic being displayed in clips from Russia TV show the pronounciation oh-SET-ee-yah.
Anita Cocktail: Can we talk about why SWIM girl has been replaced by a pasty, mustachioed-hipster sandwich? WAKE UP PEOPLE!
mattbolt: …ok, who gave the go-ahead to nuke Canada? I thought that was the *last* ditch plan.
Oh. Propane gas plant. You could’ve said.
Canuckledragger: Biker chick cleavage queen? Pics! We demand pics!
A Ken doll in swim trunks won’t get me into MoDo’s pants? Fuck.
KittyKatMan: Geebus. It is my hope that one day everything about this damned Iraq fiasco will see the light of day in history publications. And, being written by historians, most likely nobody will read them. Except me.
She should have called her column “When Keeping It Rielle Goes Wrong.” Damn do I ever want Maureen’s job. I am just as cheesy and petty as she is and would never have written an entire column retardedly comparing Barack Obama to Mr. Darcy. That column was a far worse crime against humanity than John Edwards’ having an affair with a hippie while his wife had cancer, paying her campaign money to shut her up, becoming her baby daddy, letting a married coworker take the fall for said baby fathering, coming clean but not really on the opening night of the Olympics, and trying to excuse himself because he never loved his mistress and because Liz’s cancer was in remission anyway.
PS: Am I the only one here who cares about the John Edwards story? Come on, y’all, I thought we were all about sex scandals on Wonkette. (I bet Rielle let him put it in her ass too.) If you care about how Georgia’s seceding from the U.S. or whatever, go read one of those serious news sources for smart people. Jeez.
Our Puritan forefathers are very proud of us this week.
Since when getting some pussy it’s a crime, huh? It was a deal between two consenting adults. His wife’s cool with it and, besides, Edwards was not caught blowing young boys like the Repugs do. Give him a break.
He had an affair with his videomaker. When we’re gonna be able to watch their clips?
Finally, a celebrity sex tape with high production values!
kudzu: Nobody cares about the pussy. Probably wasn’t getting it polished at home anyway. What IS a crime is that he had a shot at being the Presidential or VP nominee back when this was happening … and what a sweet place we’d be now if it happened with the convention just a couple weeks away.
What a prick.
A lot of people die with Republicans in charge.
Destonio: I agree with you completely–a phony prick. Also, thanks for the Smell Yo Dick clip. It elevated my consciousness immeasurably.
So now John Edwards path is clear.
Like Newt Gingrich before him, he needs to divorce his cancer stricken wife, marry a bimbo at least twenty years his junior, and get hisself a cushy job over at FOX ‘news’ where he can then tell everybody he doesn’t want to be president, because he can do more for America [and himself] in the private $ector.
Darehead:
Naw. A propane pumping station blew up. Don’t know how. Probably won’t know.
What cracks me up is the people are wondering how a propane pumping station was built so close to residential neighborhoods. Sad to say it’s usually the other way around.
Tiny Valdez:
I’m here to serve, my friend. McCain’s wives should have had a sniff now and then as well.
Anybody else notice that Edwards’ paramour’s first name is pronounced “Riley”? And is that worse or better?
RobPetrified: “private $ector” would be a great alias for Wonkette.
kudzu: You think Elizabeth Edwards is “cool with” her husband’s infidelity? Obviously, you are NOT a married man. I’d be willing to bet that when Elizabeth heard about the dirty deed, she was caught up in a berserker rage that would have made Navy SEALs run for cover. Threats of death. Small appliances were thrown. I’m sure the word “bastard” was repeated several times. And John Edwards will spend the rest of his life sleeping with one eye open, because sooner or later…it may be days, it may be years, but sometime before cancer finally claims Elizabeth…John is gonna let down his guard, and Elizabeth will go all Lorena Bobbett on his lying, cheating dick. Hell hath no fury, y’all.
bago:HADORYU!
Isaac Hayes is dead!?
Ok so edwards is a liar douche now within the ranks of this guy (http://msnbcmedia1.msn.com/j/msnbc/Sections/Newsweek/Components/Photos/051227_060102/051228_DailyKosMarkos_vm.standard.jpg) as well as Modo. gotttttta givez somez props to the Natl Enq while modo (upon her P’Tuit) merely cherry picks.
Da CONdensed chain of eventz:
a. News comes to a legit head- b. Edwards stalls—for a few days–c. makes confess/statement/ d. now the headlinz readz how ms hunter refusez the DNA paternity test.
the DNA paternity test was done between points b. and c. along with the delivery of a big stack of ca$$$h to ms. hunter—donz B f00lzed!
a visual dyPICTi0n of the guiltz thatz edwards is nowz towing:
http://www.spirit-of-metal.com/les%20goupes/B/Black%20Flag/Family%20Man/Family%20Man.jpg
who’d she fucking blow to work at the NYT?
ronaldpagan: But 3 three threads in 24 hours is too much; I’d say the snarking lot is full. There’s lots of snarkable angles on see-wee-us topics too and hey we haven’t bid good mourning to Bernie or Isaac. Sigh. Thanks for the memories, Isaac.
Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAFT!
Ya damn right!
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
SHAFT!
Can you dig it?
Darehead: What do Scientologists do in the afterlife?
tunamelt: Hard to say. There might be two scenerios, keeping in mind that unlike Ken Doll, Isaac in the Afterlife has all his equipment:
Suck on my Chocolate Salty balls
they’re packed full of goodness, high in Fiber
Suck on My balls!
[sniff sniff] Hey, wait a minute, what’s that smell?
Smells like something burning
Well, that don’t confront me none
…
Someone help me, my balls are on fire!
Get some ice baby! My balls are Burning!
Give some water, pour some water on me!
My Balls are burning!
Oh my goodness, Blow on em, Blow on em, do something!
madirishman: You, on the other hand, sound like a married man who might’ve thrown it where it shouldn’t be and felt the wrath of your wifey…
i hate sundays on wonkette.
is that modo in the picture?
if it is, i’d do her.
tsunami: Better check the slight-less glamorized but still highly refined image in the NYT. You might re-think that.
tsunami: I like Modo most days. Modo taking on Wolfie and Rummy and all the neocons in the early Bush days was always the best.
First Bo Diddley, now Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes. It’s been a tough year for Adequate Black Males. R.I.P., all.
V572625694:
well, yeah…that’s the picture i’m used to seeing, but maybe the
light wasn’t so good that day. maybe the above pic is a truer likeness.
on the other hand…maybe not eh.
Muthafuckas. Where have they gone? Just keep our Barry safe. That’s all they akst.
tsunami: Yup. I’d like to see pics of her in her 20s. Just wondering if she was a hot young thang or she learned to put herself together later in life.
Anybody got photos of her from her Washington Star days?
Hasn’t MoDo the Magnificent banged like a zillion guys atop her Ikea pedestal? I’ve heard it’s like throwing a pencil down a hallway! Or a hot dog down a mineshaft!
g’ nite, y’all.
TGY: Yeah, we’ve all have “battered bushco syndrome” and I don’t expect much of anything. The entire bush crime family will be Fox News contributers. scooter libby will be widdlin with fatass cavuto , mark my werds.
I think the problem with the Edwards “scandal” is the lack of schadenfreude. I mean, when the Republicans do it, it’s always with the greatest amount of hypocrisy possible, but I can’t think of anything rabidly “family values” Edwards did recently.
However, there may be an opportunity for the ol’ Nelson laugh if he really did get her knocked up. One of the higher ups of the party of “safe sex education” and “reproductive rights” can’t be bothered to wrap it? Couldn’t he have learned from those across the aisle that teh buttsecks wouldn’t make her preggers? What kind of example does this send to the nation’s teenagers that a person in power doesn’t practice safe sex?
… no, wait, still don’t care. I’ll have to try harder.
irisheyes: Nope. Never stepped out on the wife. When we were dating, she told me point-blank that if I ever cheated on her, she would slit my throat while I slept. And the look in her eyes told me she was NOT kidding. I still get chills thinking about that moment. So I walk the straight-and-narrow. Hell hath no fury, baby. Edwards should have learned that lesson.
Guppy06: Not only that, but the Republicans spent the better part of the last part of a year trying to intimate that he was somehow gay because he had shiny hair. Turns out he was living large in the style most Republicans aspire to when they enter the political arena. And he didn’t even have to pay money (at least not directly in exchange for sex, which is the only way the wrinkled willies on the other side of the aisle are ever able to get any consideration).
Also it’s pretty obvious from her tone that MoDo totally fucked Edwards’ brains out, and is about to become a rabbit-boiling harridan, now that she realizes that she was being played when he turned down her offer to have his kid. So it’s Rielle Hunter in a jello pit cage match with the formerly-hot MoDo. Only instead of jello they will use chilled cooze.
rocktonsammy: Pretty much everybody.
I stalked Dowd on one of her This Week appearances and she is shorter and bustier than I expected. She’s working on that sexy granny cougar look. I bet the Ken doll Edwards gave her is still one of her favorite sex toys.
And since I’m blogwhoring on a Sunday night, I embedded the video Rielle made of Edwards on his private jet. He was so totally eye-fucking her the entire time. And he sits in a creepy wide stance that would make Larry Craig cringe.
The only thing that would be at all mitigating for John Ed is that Maureen thinks he’s nasty. Is there a more self-satisfied unreadable smarmy gas bag than Maureen Dowd? John Ed can’t really do much about his appearance, except work it to death which is what he did. And lookit how MoDo has to get on the L’Oreal train and vogue for the camera. Where does she get off complaining when she’s such an obvious Bloomingdales refuge herself. Shut it.
Mo MoDo: That video is real? I thought someone photshopped that picture of him with the compact. He looks like a sitcom newscaster.Do men really play with their hair like that? Ithought that was the woman’s job and they played with other parts of their anatomy!
valobama: Sure makes the Breck Girl nickname tough to refute.
I once dated a guy that was vain like that. I thought the mirror over the bed was to see my ass, now I know different!
Who knew there were Edwardtards, too? And they’re all on Wonkette. I’m banning them all tomorrow, for being dull hypocrites.
Man I would not want to cross Ms. Dowd. But then again, I have always thought she was kind of hot.
I like these feisty, opinionated, acerbic, left leaning, well read, dark streak writers with a taste for good wine,
spicy food and Irish whiskey.
Of course in the spirit of fairness I plan to tell my wife, critique myself publicly, repent and sin no more….
tweak:
Damn , you made my nipples hard. Maureen has been upgraded to CILF.
Could someone arrange to have details of MoDo’s sex life splashed across the front page of the NY Post? The, to add to the party, Fox could spend hours analyzing her choices to determine if the activities influenced her writing. Why do we only worry about what men are poking?
Canuckledragger: Hey, late to the party and no one will ever read this, but that was a good fucking rant, and pretty much exactly what I wanted to say about Dowd’s column. Like, seriously, what COULD he have done to make her happy? Douse himself with gasoline and self-immolate in front of the Senate building while being flogged with thorny branches by Rielle and his non-child? Honestly, I think Edwards is a douchenozzle, and I always have, but he certainly handled this better than others have. If anyone has illustrated narcissism here, it’s Ms. Dowd and her “he sent me a Ken doll because I made fun of him and he totally liked me but I was mean to him and I still am because the Ken doll is better than he is, and he is a great big fag and everyone notice me because Edwards did and he sent me a Ken doll I’M STILL HERE.”
Jukesgrrl: I will seduce her if you guys promise to keep me supplied with a lifetime of Wonkettinis. And I mean, GOOD strong Wonkettinis. Not that Maureen isn’t doable, just that y’all know I have an odd attraction to conservative doughebags (next on my list: John Yoo).
mattbolt: Mattbolt, those pyrotechnics beat the hell out of the Olympic opening ceremonies in Beijing. We were all scratching our heads, wondering how we were going to top that opener here in Van for the 2010 Winter Games. You’re hired.
The Breck Girl label was used on Kay Bailey Hutchinson by the late Molly Ivins a long, long time ago.